Gomez Addams
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Quotes for
Gomez Addams (Character)
from "The Addams Family" (1964)

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The Addams Family (1991)
Gomez: We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled, we danced the Mamushka at Waterloo. We danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper, and now, Fester Addams, this Mamushka is for you.

Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!

Gomez: [playing with his trains and furiously contemplating things] "How do you take it off"? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!

Gomez: [playing with his trains and furiously contemplating things] He wore that finger trap for two years. Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet. And the combination, and the password, and my cigar, and he slept so well!

Gomez: [he has thrown a sword and pierced the wall not but two inches from Tully's head] Ah, missed!

Gomez: Think of it, Thing. For twenty-five years we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond, and for twenty-five years, nothing. I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.

Gomez: [about Morticia] I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.

Gomez: How long has it been since we've waltzed?
Morticia: Oh, Gomez... hours.

Morticia: Gomez.
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again!

Dr. Pinderschloss: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for mama, no?
Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!

Margaret: Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume.
Gomez: It is a wonderful hat.

Sally Jessy Raphael: So, you claim that your son was brainwashed by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others? Let's take a call.
Gomez: Hello, Sally?
Sally Jessy Raphael: Mr. Addams, *please* stop calling! We do not know where they meet!

Morticia: Gomez, why don't we go for a drive? The whole family.
Gomez: A drive? And miss Gilligan?

Gomez: [watching home movies] Remember that fateful night?
Uncle Fester: Of course... Your first cigar!
Gomez: What? Come on, Old Man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.

Judge: [after a golf ball is hit through his window] Damn you, Addams!
Gomez: Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball, I have a whole bucket full.
Judge: You moron!

Gomez: To live without you, only that would be torture.
Morticia: A day alone, only that would be death.

Gomez: [after landing on a dock] Smell that air, Fester! Like a tomb.

Gomez: [as he helps Morticia out of a trap] Leather straps, red-hot pokers!
Morticia: Later, my dearest.

[Thing is gesturing wildly]
Gomez: Mor... Morticia... Morticia? Morticia what? Slow down! It's terrible when you stutter!
[Thing gropes around, finds a pen, and starts to write, but it's out of ink. Groping around again, Thing overturns a bowl of cereal, grabs the spoon, and starts tapping in Morse Code]
Gomez: Morticia... in... danger... stop. Send... help... at once... STOP!
[Gomez stands and runs out. Thing collapses]

Gomez: [to Morticia] You bewitched me. I proposed that very night.

[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo!
Morticia: Bravo!
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!

Gomez: [sees Flora and Fauna] I'm blinded by such beauty.

Gomez: [playing with his trains and praying to God] Spirits above me, give me a sign. Shall I be joyous... or shall I be damned?

Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and fifteen emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.
[Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
Judge: I'll open the bidding at five thousand dollars.
Gomez: Five - , hah! Not good enough. Twenty thousand!
Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
Judge: I have twenty.
Gomez: Twenty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Cara mia?
Judge: Twenty-five.
Morticia: Thirty.
[to Gomez]
Morticia: Mon sauvage.
Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
[to Morticia]
Gomez: Eres divina.
Morticia: Mm, fifty!
Judge: I have fifty thousand dollars.
Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
[looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene]

Morticia: Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door.
Gomez: I would speak with Fester if that *were* Fester. But that is *not*! That is an *impostor*! An *impostor*!

Dr. Pinderschloss: Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]

Uncle Fester: What is this?
Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
Gomez: Oh, Tish.
Grandmama: [to Fester] Start with the eyes.

Gomez: [to Fester] A-ha! Showtime!

Morticia: When we first met years ago, it was an evening much like this. Magic in the air. A boy.
Gomez: A girl.
Morticia: An open grave. It was my first funeral.
Gomez: You were so beautiful. Pale and mysterious. No one even looked at the corpse.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon sauvage.

Pugsley: ...Because we're Addams'.
Gomez: We're Addams'.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon cher.

Gomez: Is it painful?
Morticia: Extremely.

Gomez: Cara mia, is it true?
Morticia: Oui, mon amour.

Gomez: [to Fester] Good show, old man.

Gomez: [to his family] They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool!

Gomez: [to Fester] Two, ten, eleven. Eyes, fingers, toes!

Grandmama: Aah! Aaaaaaah!
Morticia: Mama?
Grandmama: [lifting something from her cooking pot] Who put this in here?
Grandmama: [Pugsley and Fester laugh] That's for company.
Gomez: Little rascals.

Gomez: Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
[Gomez sits]
Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
Morticia: Oui.
Gomez: Cara mia.
[kisses Morticia's hand]
Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
Morticia: Gomez...
Gomez: Querida?
Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me. Do it again.

Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] How do you take it off? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!
Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
[as the trains approach each other]
Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]

Addams Family Values (1993)
Debbie Jellinsky: [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady killer!
Gomez: Acquitted.

[about Pubert]
Gomez: He has my father's eyes.
Morticia: Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.

Gomez: [to Fester] You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges.

Debbie Jellinsky: I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides.
[Showing slide pictures]
Debbie Jellinsky: My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or *were they*? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday.
[the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift]
Debbie Jellinsky: I was 10, and do you know what they got me? *Malibu* Barbie.
Morticia: Malibu Barbie.
Gomez: The nightmare.
Morticia: The nerve.
Debbie Jellinsky: [flicks to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum] That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a *ballerina*, graceful, delicate! They had to go.
[the next slide shot shows a burning house]

[the dancer in the cake doesn't pop out]
Gomez: That poor girl. Lurch, was she in there before you baked?
[Lurch hangs his head]
Gomez: C'est la vie!

Gomez: [visibly disgusted] Fresh air. The scent of pine.
[hands Pugsley a cigar]
Morticia: Wednesday, look at all of the other children, their freckles, their bright little eyes, their eager, friendly smiles. Help them.

Morticia: So... you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I'll get them!

[driving to Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means "orphan."

Gomez: At his request, I would rip out my eyes. At his command, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.
Morticia: Why wait?

[at the police station after asking to arrest Debbie]
Gomez: [shouting] Has the planet gone mad? My brother, passion's hostage. I seek justice - denied! I shall not submit! I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!
[Grandma waves Pubert in the air]
Gomez: I have seen horror!
[Lurch waves]
Gomez: I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!
Morticia: They're at camp.
Gomez: I have seen all this, officer. But until today, I had never seen... *you*!
Desk sergeant: Hook him, book him, cook him. *Now*!

Gomez: [shouting] I demand justice! Someone has married my brother!
Desk sergeant: [sarcastically] No!
Gomez: She took him to Hawaii!
Desk sergeant: [cynically] Get outta here!
Gomez: They have moved into a large, expensive home, where they make love *constantly*!
Desk sergeant: I hate when that happens.
Gomez: Arrest her at once, without delay!
Desk sergeant: Who?
Gomez: Debbie. My brother's wife, the temptress of Waikiki!
Desk sergeant: Who are you? What are you? Who moved the rock?
Gomez: Officer, you must issue a subpoena. I believe they own...
Morticia: Gomez, NO!
Gomez: [shouting] A Buick!

Don Buckman: Our Amanda's already skipped two grades. How 'bout your boy?
Gomez: [beaming] Probation!

Gomez: [to Fester] I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children, and of paying someone else to raise them.

Morticia: Gomez.
Gomez: Cara mia?
Morticia: Marvelous news. I'm going to have a baby. Right now.

Pugsley: It's a boy.
Wednesday: It's a girl.
Uncle Fester: Gomez!
Grandma: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!

Gomez: [to his family] To mirth, to merriment... to manslaughter.

Uncle Fester: It's me, Gomez! I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame... and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! You're Debbie's love toy! You are *Mr. Debbie*!
Uncle Fester: I am an Addams!
Gomez: Fester!
[they embrace]

Uncle Fester: Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
Gomez: I despised you!
Uncle Fester: I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester: When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez: You did?
Uncle Fester: [laughs hysterically] Ah, brother!
Gomez: Brother!
[Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Uncle Fester: Children, you see?

Debbie Jellinsky: My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.
Uncle Fester: The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky: The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
Gomez: Hands!
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]

Gomez: [to Thing] Good show, old man.

Delivery Room Doctor: Nurse, how close are the contractions?
Delivery Nurse: Every fifteen seconds, doctor.
Gomez: Are you in unbearable pain? Is it inhuman? My darling, is it torture?
Morticia: Oui.

Gomez: Cara mia.
Morticia: Mon cher.

Morticia: [walking into Pubert's nursery] Oh, Gomez. It's dark, it's depressing, it's desolate.
Gomez: It says, "Toddler".
Morticia: It's a dream.
Gomez: Come, cara mia.

Morticia: [Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder] Thing, stop that.
Gomez: He likes you.
Debbie Jellinsky: [Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger; he shudders and falls off] I'm good with my hands.

Morticia, Gomez: [to each other] Summer camp?

Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: It's gone?
Uncle Fester: I'm engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]

Grandma: Unless Fester comes back, we're talking *dimples*.
Gomez: Not in this house!
Grandma: He could stay this way for years! Forever! He could become... a lawyer.
Gomez: I won't listen!
Grandma: An orthodontist!
Morticia: Mama! Stop!
Grandma: President!
Gomez: [looking up above] Please! I beg you! Take me!
[sobs openly]

Morticia: Adieu, mon cher.
Gomez: Adios, cara mia.

Gomez: [opens the window to enjoy the night air, and catches Pubert as he falls from the roof] Cara mia!
Morticia: Oh, dear.

Uncle Fester: [talking to Gomez about wanting a relationship with a woman] I... I have *needs*!
Gomez: ...There's Thing!
[Thing shudders]

Uncle Fester: [Referring to Thing relieving Fester's "desires"] It's not the same thing, I want legs, a body... a head.
Gomez: TWO legs?

Uncle Fester: [about Debbie] She makes me think of... volatile chemicals.
Gomez: Truly Fester, has it finally happened at long last?
Uncle Fester: I don't know! I think so!

Uncle Fester: I'm making such a mess of things. Gomez! How do you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be... suave?
Gomez: Woo her. Admire her. Make her feel like she's the most sublime creature on Earth.

Gomez: Perfection achieved. We are the luckiest brothers on Earth. We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such radiance.
Uncle Fester: Uh... that's right! We should have... ugly girls!

"The Addams Family: The Day Gomez Failed (#1.3)" (1992)
Gomez Addams: Sombre news, Thing: I made fifteen million dollars today!

Wednesday Addams: Hey, Dad, want to make the Mona Lisa frown?
Gomez Addams: Nope. Done that too.
Wednesday Addams: Don't worry, Father. We understand.
[Wednesday and Pugsley leave]
Pugsley Addams: Hey, Mona...
[a scream is heard]

Morticia Addams: Darling, this must be really bothering you. The last time you shook Uncle Fester like that you were trying to get the termites out of his sinuses.
Gomez Addams: Tish, I just feel like there's nothing left for me to do! I've done EVERYTHING! I need a challenge!
Morticia Addams: Well, dear, I understand Uncle Fester needs his back shaved...
Uncle Fester: [appearing with a broken barbershop pole and a lawnmower] Oh, come on, Gomez, I'm getting kind of itchy!
Gomez Addams: I'm sorry, old boy, it'll have to wait. I need a NEW challenge!
Uncle Fester: Oh, darn... hey, Lurch! You got a sec?

Morticia Addams: Of all the challenges you've tried, darling, how many have you succeeded in?
Gomez Addams: All of them!
Morticia Addams: Hmmm... maybe that's your answer...
Gomez Addams: What? What?
Morticia Addams: The one thing you've never done is fail!
Gomez Addams: Eureka! Cara mia, you're a genius! Failure, that's my new challenge! Next time you look at me, Tish, you'll be looking at a failure!

Morticia Addams: Remember darling, you don't know anything about failing!
Gomez Addams: You're right, Tish! What I need is a role model: a loser, a dud, a washout, a flop! A worthless wretch of a human being!
Uncle Fester: Oh, Gomez, you're making me all misty-eyed! That man is ME!
Gomez Addams: Would you...?
Uncle Fester: It would be an honour, oh brother of mine!

[Gomez and Fester search for worthless stock]
Uncle Fester: [looking in the paper] Here's a good one!
Gomez Addams: Which one?
Uncle Fester: [cackling] Oh, I was talking about the obituaries in the paper! They re... they really crack me up!
Gomez Addams: [taking the paper] Please, Fester! This is no time to... they are funnier than usual!
Uncle Fester: I told you!

Morticia Addams: I've finished welding your helmet, and notified the press about your stunt.
Gomez Addams: But this helmet is about two sizes too small for me. It'll squeeze my head like a vise!
Morticia Addams: Just the way you like it!
Gomez Addams: Picture this, Tish: I'll be shot from a cannon, soar across the city and ricochet wildly off the buildings in downtown Happdale Heights, before flying home and landing in a cup of tea in the foyer. Thanks, Thing...
[takes the teacup from Thing]
Morticia Addams: But darling, that's the same thing you do every Thursday.
Gomez Addams: [suiting up] Ah, yes! This time, I'll be knitting a sweater!
[gets in the cannon]
Gomez Addams: And everyone knows I can't knit.
Morticia Addams: A brilliant idea, bubbele.
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! That's French!
Morticia Addams: No, darling, it's not.
Gomez Addams: Well, it's close enough for me!

[Gomez crash-lands home]
Morticia Addams: Are you all right, darling?
Gomez Addams: [depressed] Want a sweater?
[holds it out]
Uncle Fester: I'll take it! I think I've got some of that chocolate left!

Pugsley Addams: Bad news from the chocolate diet centre, Dad!
Wednesday Addams: People became sick from eating Uncle Fester's chocolate and started losing weight.
[the Addams home is flooded with money]
Wednesday Addams: That means your diet centre is...
Gomez Addams: Let me guess: a booming success.

Uncle Fester: I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how could one man make this much money in just six hours?
Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Maybe you're cursed!
Gomez Addams: Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up! It's hopeless!, I'm nothing more than a pathetic success of an Addams!

Gomez Addams: Hello, Normanmeyer! I haven't seen you around here since the time our stuffed lion chased you home!
Mr. Normanmeyer: YIPE! It's not around here, is it?

Mr. Normanmeyer: Addams, I understand that you've been trying to fail...
Gomez Addams: Tish! It's all over town! What will the children do when the other kids tease them about their father who just can't fail?
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear, I'm sure they won't love their father any less. Will you, Pugsley?
Pugsley Addams: [brandishing a spiked flail] 'Course not, Mom! Oh, Wednesday... Olly olly oxen free! Come on, girl! Big brother's got a present for you...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, as a concerned underwear-coveting member of the community, I'm here to help. It's the neighborly thing to do. And I've got your ticket to failure, Addams!
Gomez Addams: [overjoyed] What a neighbor! Normanmeyer, old man, what is it? What is it?
Mr. Normanmeyer: [bringing out a map] The City needs a small piece of land to finish building its new freeway.
Gomez Addams: Please, say that it's one of MY pieces of land!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Bingo! And you can sell it to us really cheap!
Gomez Addams: At a major loss?
Mr. Normanmeyer: Generally speaking. You'll be a laughingstock of the neighborhood!
Gomez Addams: Did you hear that, Tish? I'll be a laughingstock! Scorned by the very community in which I live!
Morticia Addams: Mother and Father Addams would be so proud of you!
Gomez Addams: Hurry, Normanmeyer, let's make this official!

Morticia Addams: Why, what's wrong, darling?
Gomez Addams: [sobbing] I'm the luckiest man on earth... I've got a family that supported me even BEFORE I became a failure!
[Thing gives Gomez a handkerchief]
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Thing...
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear. That's what families are for.

Gomez Addams: Bulldoze our house? They can't build a freeway on this land!
Uncle Fester: How come? You know how much I like to hang from exit signs and wave at passing cars!

Gomez Addams: Normanmeyer, I see what you were trying to do, and let me tell you one thing... I really appreciate it.
Mr. Normanmeyer: Come again?
Gomez Addams: Even though it would mean certain failure for me, I can't let you go through with it!

Gomez Addams: [producing a title deed] My great-great-grandfathter Goober Addams built our house here to enjoy the swamp.
[an alligator slithers by and frightens Normanmeyer]

Gomez Addams: What a trooper, that Normanmeyer is. Not only does he try to help me fail, but gets to enjoy the benefits of a freeway running through his house, and here I sit a miserable success...

Morticia Addams: You know, darling, I've been thinking... maybe you HAVE failed.
Gomez Addams: Querida... Stop trying to cheer me up!
Morticia Addams: No, dear. Think about it, didn't you fail at failing?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but that's not... Eureka! You're right, Tish! I've failed at FAILING! Yes!
[runs around the house in euphoria]
Gomez Addams: Fester, do you realize what that makes me?
Uncle Fester: [who was trying to chop a rodent] Ah, a gardener?
Gomez Addams: No, brother! A bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool Addams failure!

Gomez Addams: Fester, your diet chocolate convinced me to open up a whole line of centres!
Pugsley Addams: And we're glad we get to run them for you, Dad!
Wednesday Addams: That's right. The last thing people on a diet should do is consume mass quantities of chocolate.

Gomez Addams: Aha! Here's a new challenge: flossing my teeth vigorously with red-hot barbed wire!
[Lurch moans]
Gomez Addams: You're right, Lurch. I've already done that...

Uncle Fester: Gee, Gomez, how wold you like to put me in a headlock and bang my head against the wall?
Gomez Addams: No. I've done that before too.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, but not lately...

Gomez Addams: I need a new challenge, and there JUST aren't any left!

"The Addams Family: Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (#1.11)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: I tell yah, Gomez, that palooka's got eyes in the back of his head!... Or was that Cousin Fluent?
Gomez Addams: No, he had ears on his ankles!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Man did he have a hard time buying shoes...

Uncle Fester: We could always hide in my coat.
Gomez Addams: And suffer the same fate as Aunt Sticky when she climbed in?
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. I'm still having her electronically removed...

Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, remember what I wore on our honeymoon?
[holds up a pair of stocks]
Gomez Addams: Ah, Tish! You looked so good in mahogany...

Pugsley Addams: Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?
Gomez Addams: Only the greatest game ever played, son!
Uncle Fester: Yeah, back when we were little critters like you!
Gomez Addams: First, we blew the horn as loud as we could...
Uncle Fester: Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...
Gomez Addams: ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!
Morticia Addams: And he always did.
Gomez Addams: Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...

Wednesday Addams: Break a leg, Father.
Gomez Addams: Ah, I could only wish!

[Gomez and Fester hide in a wardrobe]
Gomez Addams: We're off to a booming start, Fester!
[Lurch moans]
Uncle Fester: Darn!
Gomez Addams: The night's still young, old man!
[Gomez and Fester rush out]

[Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait]
Lurch: [as a cow disguise] Moooooooooooo.
Gomez Addams: AHA!
Uncle Fester: YIKES!
[Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait]

[Gomez and Fester hide in Cousin Itt's hair]
Gomez Addams: Think we lost him, Fester?
Lurch: [popping out from under Itt's hat] Uhhhh-uhhhh.
Gomez Addams: Well, thanks anyway, Itt.
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: By the way, old man, you missing a motorcycle?
Lurch: [producing a helmet] Yooouuur heeellmeeet...

[in the middle of a desert]
Gomez Addams: [panting] Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...
Uncle Fester: Well, if you would hold still for a second, one of them would land and start pecking...!
Lurch: Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?
Uncle Fester: Shoot!

[Fester brews up an invisibility serum]
Uncle Fester: Lurch can't find us if he can't see us...
Gomez Addams: To hiding!
[Gomez and Fester drink the serum and become invisible]
Gomez Addams: Now let's shed our clothes, and our invisibility will be complete!
[Both start to undress, and hand their clothes over to Lurch]
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Lurch...
Uncle Fester: Oh, not again!

Gomez Addams: He found us in quicksand, he found us on the moon, he even found us in Uncle Ben's sundress!

Uncle Fester: [brings out a remote] Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!
Gomez Addams: Whatever it is, brother, do it.
[Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two]
Lurch: Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?
[Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight]
Gomez Addams: [in victorious agony] We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!
Uncle Fester: Well, I try.

Gomez Addams: Well, Fester, I guess we'll never have to hide from Lurch again...
Uncle Fester: Yeah. No more humiliation, no more dragging our names through the mud...
Gomez Addams: What have we done?
[Fester starts crying and embraces his brother]
Pugsley Addams: Uh-oh! Somebody better do something...

Wednesday Addams: Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
Lurch: Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
Uncle Fester: Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my head!
Gomez Addams: You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
Lurch: Biiiinnnngoooo.
Gomez Addams: [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
Uncle Fester: [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!

Morticia Addams: I'm off to the funeral parlour to preview next year's caskets. We do so need to replace the one in the bedroom.
Gomez Addams: Aunt Stiffy will appreciate it! Have fun, cara mia!
Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling.
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! You spoke French!
[goes for Morticia's hand]
Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, you're supposed to be relaxing.
Gomez Addams: Oh... oh, that's right! Have fun, querida!

Gomez Addams: [to Thing] So, you're ready to roughhouse, are you?... Then, catch me you must!

Morticia Addams: Gomez, dear, are you feeling rested yet?
Gomez Addams: [in a spiked bed] Not yet!
Morticia Addams: Well, it certainly doesn't look very comfortable in there.
Gomez Addams: It's not! Before long, my back will be a twisted mass of pain!
Morticia Addams: Good!

[Thing bangs a London drum]
Gomez Addams: Hey, what's that racket? I like it!
[Thing tosses Gomez a sword]
Gomez Addams: Sorry, Thing, old limb. Today is not for playing, today is for relaxing and... Huh?
[Thing chases Gomez]

Gomez Addams: Well, Thing, if it's a fight you want, EN GARDE!
[draws a sword]
Gomez Addams: Oh-oh! Wait, I spoke French!
[kisses his hand]
Gomez Addams: Nah...

Pugsley Addams: Dad, why can't we just trash my old head vice? I'm too big for it now!
Wednesday Addams: Yes, and I've outgrown the comfort of Uncle Fester's pickled tonsils set next to me at night.
Gomez Addams: Because, my little cretins, we Addamses never throw our things away. We cherish them. In here, the attic!

Gomez Addams: Children! Guess what I've found!
Pugsley Addams: Uncle Fester's first head?
Wednesday Addams: Does the third eye still blink?

"The Addams Family: Double O Honeymoon (#2.5)" (1993)
Morticia Addams: Darling, I hope our upcoming honeymoon will be as exciting as one of Cousin Itt's adventures.
Gomez Addams: So do I, Tish. I mean, I still enjoy a good coup, aha, or hanging ten on a tidal wave, but it's not just as exciting as being attacked by a guy with metal hair! Oh, how I envy you, Itt!
[slaps Itt on the back]
Gomez Addams: [mock sword-fighting] Flying across the globe, facing danger while your very life hangs in the balance!
Morticia Addams: And the satisfaction at having your hair clog some of the world's most famous drains.
[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: That's right. You DID set a family record for the most exotic diseases caught in one month.
Gomez Addams: And you're the first Addams since Uncle Elms to catch rootrock! Whatever happened to our old Uncle, anyway?
Morticia Addams: I believe you're leaning on him, dear.
Gomez Addams: I am? I thought that knothole looked familiar...

Morticia Addams: Where are you off to this time?
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: A vacation? Why? You've got the perfect job! Glamorous spies, dangerous missions... not to mention that band of roving lumberjacks that moved into your fur last month!
Uncle Fester: TIMBER!
[falls out of Itt's fur, tied to a log]
Uncle Fester: How dare they call themselves lumberjacks... they couldn't even cut a log without a line!
Morticia Addams: What line, Uncle Fester?
Uncle Fester: This one, right here!
[strips himself bare to reveal a line marked on his torso]

Gomez Addams: [being strangled by an anaconda] Cheer up, old bean! Maybe you can find someone else to jet off and... and... EUREKA! That's it!
[throws off the anaconda]
Morticia Addams: It must be good news if you interrupted Greedo while he was squeezing the life from you.
Gomez Addams: It is, Tish! Cousin Itt can stay home and relax, while WE capture Thundermane for our honeymoon!

[Morticia and Gomez arrive in Spain]
Gomez Addams: Ah, Spain! Espana! One of my favourite countries in the world!
[pays the cab driver]
Gomez Addams: Here you go, senor, and keep the porcupine!

Morticia Addams: Darling, you don't think that driver was upset because Snappy wanted to steer, do you?
Gomez Addams: Upset? Why he slammed on the brakes and threw us out of his cab!... We'll have to call his boss in the morning and thank him!

Morticia Addams: Aren't these spy types thoughtful? They took time out from their mauling just to tell me goodbye.
[a henchman starts kissing up Morticia]
Gomez Addams: WHAT? BEAT IT!

[Thundermane makes a pass at Morticia]
Gomez Addams: [enraged] She's my wife! She's my wife! MINE! Understand? I want you to leave her ALONE!
Morticia Addams: [excited] Gomez, those are savage animal noises! Make some more! Snarl! Grrrr! Howl! Owoooo! Anything, honey, please!
Gomez Addams: Calm yourself, Titch. I'm just getting warmed up!

Morticia Addams: My hero!
[kisses Gomez]
Gomez Addams: Cara mia!

Morticia Addams: Darling, you were acting like some jealous, wild animal! I love it!
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Tish... I don't know what came over me...
Morticia Addams: Remember, dear, I don't always like it when other women look at you, but I just remind myself where your true love lies.
Gomez Addams: Cara mia!
[embraces his wife]
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, you're the only man for me.

Wednesday Addams: [holding a stick] Mother, Father, might I strike the gong and start a family dance?
Pugsley Addams: [tied to the gong] Yeah, let's break it down!
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, my little cremators!
Uncle Fester: [holding a diper] I got it! how about Oopsie Addams' Diper Play?
Uncle Fester: But Fester, you haven't built a picnic table in years!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah...

[last lines]
Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I would be honoured if you'd join me for the Hot Patootie Cha-Cha-Cha!
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, our favourite dance!
Gomez Addams: Lurch, the music!
[the family cheers]
Uncle Fester: Do your thing Gomez!
Gomez Addams: Querida! Cara, cara mia!

Morticia Addams: Darling, you almost sat on that bear trap.
Gomez Addams: I did? How many times have I told Pugsley to make sure he put his toys away?

[Thundermane has taken the Addams and the Normanmeyers hostage]
Mr. Normanmeyer: I gotta say I'm sorry, Addams, I didn't mean for this to happen!
Gomez Addams: You didn't?
Mr. Normanmeyer: No. I wanted YOUR family to get trashed, not MINE!

[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: So, we're off to Spain, eh?
Morticia Addams: On our first espionage mission!
Gomez Addams: [excited] TISH! That's SPY TALK!
Morticia Addams: Now, now, dear, spy talk now, interrogation later!

[a fatigued Itt releases several items from his usually taut hair]
Morticia Addams: So that's why you're exhausted, you've been on seven non-stop spy missions!
Gomez Addams: So? What's the problem?
Morticia Addams: Darling, Cousin Itt needs a vacation, a chance to stop and smell the cesspool!
Gomez Addams: Well, I suppose you would start to miss your old dungeon after a while...

[Cousin Itt has a fit]
Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Cousin Itt's upset because Thundermane's escaped from jail. He'll have to cancel his vacation and leave immediately! And he was so disappointed...
Gomez Addams: [being crushed by an anaconda] I'd better speak to him before his bangs start to droop!

Gomez Addams: I just don't get it, Tish! Dangerous booby-traps, life-threatening situations... and we didn't even get a scratch!
Morticia Addams: There, there, dear. At least Snappy has got to see the world.
Gomez Addams: I know. But this was our honeymoon, and I wanted... WHAT?
[Henchmen are kissing up Morticia]
Gomez Addams: Come on, Tish! This particular spy mission is over!

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Writer (#2.8)" (1965)
[Lurch lays out hot coals]
Gomez Addams: [to Fester] You said you'd go through fire for me, old man.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, but not in my bare feet.

Morticia Frump Addams: Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature.
Gomez Addams: Children, have you protested?
Pugsley Addams: Sure. We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses LIKE giants, goblins and witches.
Wednesday Addams: But she just muttered something about nuts.

Uncle Fester Frump: I can see it all now: Morticia Addams, the new literary sensation, traveling all over the world, drinking it up at those literary teas...
Gomez Addams: ...Making speeches, signing autographs, ha-ha, telling off the critics...
Uncle Fester Frump: We might not even see her for six months at a time.
Gomez Addams: [stunned at the thought] Six months?

Uncle Fester Frump: Somebody's got to stay at home and take care of the kids.
Gomez Addams: What about you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I can take care of myself.

Morticia Frump Addams: My first story: "Cinderella, the Teenage Delinquent."
Gomez Addams: Cinderella - ho ho! - my blood boils at the thought of THAT little minx.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, will you please proofread that and send it off to a publisher?
Gomez Addams: Which one?
Morticia Frump Addams: Uh, try Demon Press. They sound just perfect for children's books.

Uncle Fester Frump: What's a matter, Gomez?
Gomez Addams: Fester, you've caught me on the horns of a dilemma.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, why don't you hop off of it and just tell me all about it?
Gomez Addams: I'm supposed to mail this manuscript to Morticia's publisher but I don't dare!
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's that bad, huh?
Gomez Addams: It's that good! Once he sees this I've lost her forever. There'll be noting but abject misery for both of us. And the children.
Uncle Fester Frump: Eh, so, just don't mail it.
Gomez Addams: I can't do that! She trusts me!
Uncle Fester Frump: That makes it easier.

Uncle Fester Frump: Why don't you just change it a little bit so the publisher won't like it?
Gomez Addams: Tamper with this masterpiece? Fester! That's like asking me to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa, or... or put plastic arms on Venus, or finger-paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, gee, it was just a suggestion.
Gomez Addams: And a great one! I'll do it!

Gomez Addams: Well, better to preserve a marriage than a masterpiece.

Uncle Fester Frump: [reading Morticia's manuscript] "Out of the sweet-scented swamp, Lucifer, the kindly wolf, minced daintily."
Gomez Addams: All right, change that to: "Across a daisy-covered meadow the snarling, sniveling, slathering wolf slunk."

Gomez Addams: I can't go on.
Uncle Fester Frump: You've got to.
Gomez Addams: You convinced me.

Gomez Addams: If Keats had had a ping-pong table he'd have lived longer.

Gomez Addams: Genius often goes unrecogniezed. After all, Dostoyevsky wasn't discovered until he was 56.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, no wonder. With a name like that, the reviewers probably couldn't even spell it.

[Mr. Boswell wants to publish Morticia's book but needs some start-up money]
Gomez Addams: Just as I thought - a bunko artist out for the money.
Uncle Fester Frump: I'll shoot 'im in the back.
Gomez Addams: I've got a better idea.
Uncle Fester Frump: In the front?

Pugsley Addams: Look at these books they gave us to read in school: "A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins & Other Bedtime Stories by Moricia Addams."
Wednesday Addams: Mother, how could you? Yuch!
Gomez Addams: Children, please, watch your language. Besides, your mother didn't write those. I did.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, you?
Gomez Addams: Children, please go play with your spiders. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I... I HAD to do it.
Morticia Frump Addams: And I know why.
Gomez Addams: You do?
Morticia Frump Addams: You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk.

"The Addams Family: Morticia Meets Royalty (#2.4)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: What ARE you composing, Gomez?
Gomez Addams: [at the harpsichord] A sonata for three hands.
Morticia Frump Addams: Three hands?
Gomez Addams: It'll give Lurch a chance to play duets with Thing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Princess Millicent is, in reality, Gomez's Aunt Millie from Marshy Bottom, Iowa.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh. Then the coat of arms and the title is a fake, huh?
Gomez Addams: No, Aunt Millie picked that up years ago when she married a Prince von Schlepp.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, sounds glamorous.
Morticia Frump Addams: Not really. Von Schlepp was a prince but he was also a pauper.
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, the poor man.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's usually what a pauper is.

Princess Millicent von Schlepp: [surveying the Addams living room ] It's NOT what I'm accustomed to, but I suppose it's better than a hotel.
Morticia Frump Addams: You'll love your chamber. It has a beautiful view. On a clear day you can see all the way to the swamp.
Gomez Addams: But, of course, who wants a clear day?

[Lurch and Fester ascend the stairs overburdened with Aunt Millie's luggage]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] I thought she said she was traveling light.
Morticia Frump Addams: She is. Lurch and Uncle Fester are traveling heavy.

[Thing and Lady Fingers are about to get acquainted when Millicent summons Lady Fingers away]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, he missed his chance.
Gomez Addams: Don't worry. He'll have others. He's handy that way.

Morticia Frump Addams: How did you find your chamber?
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: The bed is as hard as nails.
Gomez Addams: KNEW you'd like it!
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: And where on earth did you get those black drapes.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I really had to shop for them.
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: Ghastly.
[Millie exists]
Gomez Addams: When she brought Lady Fingers, I thought she was a true Addams. Obviously there's something wrong with her.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, the poor dear has suffered so, what with her husband dying.
Gomez Addams: Worse than that, he went broke.

Gomez Addams: Couldn't convert THIS place into a castle - the ceilings are too low.

Grandmama Addams: That woman is drivin' me batty. The only thing she'll let me serve is Chicken ala King.
Gomez Addams: Well, that's the royalty business. Besides, Chicken ala King's rather tasty.
Grandmama Addams: Without the feathers?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh... Some people have the dullest tastes.

[Lurch's bowing keeps ripping his pants]
Gomez Addams: Well, Lurch, maybe the princess will let your wear a suit of armor instead.
Morticia Frump Addams: Those things wear like iron.

Princess Millicent von Schlepp: I'm moving to a hotel and don't try to stop me! I said "Don't try to stop me."
Gomez Addams: I wouldn't dream of it. One moment, your highness.
[Gomez removes a sign stuck to Millicent's back, which reads "Down With Tyrants."]
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: This whole house is subversive!

[Millicent has left]
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, wonderful! The Addams family is a democracy again.
Gomez Addams: Exactly! From now on, I give the orders around here.
Morticia Frump Addams: [warningly] Gomez!
Gomez Addams: [still as chipper] BUT nobody has to obey them.
Uncle Fester Frump: [now that his career as a court jester is done] I'm sure glad I don't have to be funny, anymore.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all are, dear.

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, come and bow for Princess Millicent.
Gomez Addams: [aside to Morticia] Is he gonna be able make it?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, yes. Mama let out the seat of his trousers with a couple of accordion pleats.
Gomez Addams: Accordion pleats?
[Lurch bows and his movement is matched by accordion scales]
Gomez Addams: Musical pants!
Morticia Frump Addams: You see how glad we are to have you back, Your Highness?
Princess Millicent von Schlepp: [stiffly] Naturally! Now that I'm rich again, you're ALL playing a different tune.
Gomez Addams: Especially Lurch.

[Lady Finger's box returns but the gnarled old claw inside it is definitely not Lady Fingers]
Gomez Addams: She certainly has aged.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, that couldn't be Lady Fingers.
Gomez Addams: Maybe that's what she looks like without make-up.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, you're wallet.
Gomez Addams: My wallet? It's gone! It's a good thing I carry my money in my sock.

Gomez Addams: That music's pretty exciting, too.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I didn't play that.
Gomez Addams: That was Lurch, wasn't it?
Morticia Frump Addams: He's really learned how to play those pants.

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Sculptress (#2.9)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Fun, fun, fun. There's more to life than just fun.
Gomez Addams: There is?

Gomez Addams: Fester, have you got the hammer and chisel?
Uncle Fester Frump: Here they are, but it's only a loan. I need them for my correspondence course.
Gomez Addams: Correspondence course? At what?
Uncle Fester Frump: [as if obvious] Brain surgery!

Uncle Fester Frump: [looking at Morticia's sculpture] When're you gonna start?
Morticia Frump Addams: Gonna start? Uncle Fester, I'm almost finished.
Gomez Addams: Fester, don't be a clod. Don't you know art when you see it?
Uncle Fester Frump: I know a rock when I see it.

Morticia Frump Addams: Well, darling, what do you think?
Gomez Addams: Leonardo da Vinci NEVER did anything like that.

Uncle Fester Frump: Why don't YOU buy it?
Gomez Addams: For a stupid suggestion, Fester, that's positively brilliant.

Sam Picasso: Don't you understand I will not sell my soul?
Gomez Addams: There'll be a $200 fee.
Sam Picasso: At those prices... eh!
Gomez Addams: I like a man with integrity. I wish I knew one.

Sam Picasso: You keep all of your money in the drawer?
Gomez Addams: Just petty cash. Big stuff's upstairs in the mattress.
Morticia Frump Addams: [entering] Ah, Mr. Picasso. My husband's been telling me about you.
Sam Picasso: Oh, that's a lie. I run an honest gallery.

[Morticia reveals plans to open a school to help starving art students with her $50,000]
Uncle Fester Frump: What're you gonna do now, MoneyBags?
Gomez Addams: What any level-headed man would do - shoot myself.

Gomez Addams: I'm being forced to dispose of some of my most valuable assets: my game preserve in Nairobi, bamboo plantation in Bali, and - what hurts most of all - the Savings & Loan in Siberia. Oh, you better call Blooker the broker and have him dispose of my Consolidated Fuzz.
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, if you were smart you'd hold onto your Consolidated Fuzz and sell your AT&T.

Sam Picasso: [to Lurch carrying out Morticia's sculptures] Throw them in the truck with the others.
Gomez Addams: Where're you taking them?
Sam Picasso: At the Tip-Top Quarry. You know, they pay me $30 a ton.
Gomez Addams: The scoundrels! I buy my rocks at Tip-Top and they charge me $100 a ton.
Sam Picasso: Aw, but I return the rocks damaged. Speaking of money, Senior Gomez, you know, I will be needing some if you want me to buy more of the masterpieces.
Gomez Addams: [reaching way back into his nearly empty desk drawer] Can't you bargain a little?
Sam Picasso: You want me insult an artist?
Gomez Addams: That's no artist! She's my wife!
Sam Picasso: It's only money - yours!

Gomez Addams: It's time I put an end to all this!
Uncle Fester Frump: You're going to tell Morticia the truth!
Gomez Addams: Exactly. But first I'm gonna tell her a few more lies.

Gomez Addams: Look at yourself in the mirror. Pale, drawn, sunken-cheeked.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes. Sculpting does agree with me.

Morticia Frump Addams: I still have four hours of night light left.
Gomez Addams: But aren't you coming to bed?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, how can I sleep knowing that somewhere there's a stone uncut?
Gomez Addams: How about a husband un-cuddled?

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#2.3)" (1965)
Ophelia Frump: I do hope your vaporizer won't interfere with our honeymoon.
Gomez Addams: By George, it will! Shall we call it off?
Ophelia Frump: No.

Gomez Addams: [drawn to Morticia] They shouldn't leave us alone like this.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's torture, madness - and very bad judgement on their part.
Gomez Addams: How can't I marry Ophelia when I love you?
Morticia Frump Addams: What does Emily Post say?
Gomez Addams: Not a word.

Uncle Fester Frump: Who's the little guy talking to the servant?
Gomez Addams: That's my Cousin Itt. He's the family intellectual - the long-hair of the family!
Uncle Fester Frump: He looks it. Is he married?
Gomez Addams: Free as a tumbleweed!
Uncle Fester Frump: He looks that, too. He'd be a perfect groom for Ophelia. He'd never see what he's gettin' into.

Morticia Frump Addams: Is Cousin Fungus coming to the wedding?
Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He's doesn't get out much. He's lived in a cave in back of the tunnel for thirty years.
Morticia Frump Addams: What exquisite taste.

Morticia Frump Addams: You must think of Ophelia.
Gomez Addams: I did. That's why I'm here in the tunnel.

Morticia Frump Addams: Now, come along. Poor Ophelia's crying her eyes out.
Gomez Addams: That might be an improvement.

Uncle Fester Frump: Well, wouldn't you rather be a strong, masterful he-man?
Gomez Addams: Too dangerous!

[Morticia suggests Gomez practice turning down Ophelia]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia. You're kind, sensitive, quiet and understanding.
Uncle Fester Frump: She certainly has changed.
Morticia Frump Addams: And you're the new Gomez. You're decisive, direct and definite.
Gomez Addams: I'm afraid!
Uncle Fester Frump: That's pretty definite.
Gomez Addams: Thank you.

Gomez Addams: [rehearsing with Fester] Ophelia, I won't marry you.
Uncle Fester Frump: [as Ophelia] WHAT!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester!
Uncle Fester Frump: [grabbing his gun] I'll shoot 'im in the back!

[Another attempt is made to rehearse Gomez turning down Ophelia, this time with Morticia as Ophelia and Uncle Fester as Granny Frump]
Gomez Addams: Ophelia, I'd...
Uncle Fester Frump: All right, son. Speak up! Speak up!
Gomez Addams: Mrs. Frump, I'm afraid I can't marry your daughter.
Uncle Fester Frump: WHAT! I'll shoot 'im...!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester...
Morticia Frump Addams: [correcting herself] Mother, please!

Minister: [clears throat] I, uh, might remind you that, uh, as the saying goes: I get paid whether the ball game is rained out or not.
Gomez Addams: Fear not! A wedding will be held here this day!
Granny Hester Frump: [aside to Morticia] He's looking this way. Do you think he means me?
Gomez Addams: The woman for me is that graceful, elegant creature standing other there.
Granny Hester Frump: [girlishly, with heart aflutter] He DOES mean me!

Gomez Addams: Querida, will you marry me?
Morticia Frump Addams: I thought you'd never ask.
Gomez Addams: [kisses her hair] Oh, your hair... That dress - drives me wild!
Morticia Frump Addams: I'll never wear another.

"The Addams Family: Progress and the Addams Family (#1.30)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: That ex-insurance man of ours...
Gomez Addams: Commissioner Henson?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. Well, he's ruining our city. He's puttin' fresh paint on all the public buildings.
Morticia Frump Addams: Whatever for?
Uncle Fester Frump: To hide the soot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cover up... But the soot's the only thing that's giving those buildings character.

[a letter arrives]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it's from the city hall. I wonder what they're doing writing to us.
Gomez Addams: Well, this is the time they select the Man of the Year. I suppose I'll have to resign myself to another giddy round of speech-making and chicken ala king.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?
Gomez Addams: Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

Gomez Addams: Ah, that Thing! Always on his toes.

Gomez Addams: Fester, this man may be a trespasser and a saboteur but he is our guest.

Gomez Addams: [dictating a letter] ... and, despite your position as commissioner, I hereby warn you that any further trespass by your hired vandals will be resisted to the utmost.

Gomez Addams: [finishing his letter] P.s. I always knew you were a corrupt, hypocritical old windbag.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope he doesn't take that last part personally.
Gomez Addams: How could he?
Lurch: [announcing from the vestibule] His honor, the Commissioner.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he's come to offer his apologies.
Gomez Addams: I guess the hypocritical old windbag isn't such a bad fellow after all.

Gomez Addams: Well, you can't win 'em all. They're blasting tomorrow whether we're in the house or not.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear. And we're such late sleepers.

[Fester suggests they move their house]
Gomez Addams: I know just the spot. That lot Hornsby has up for sale.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's right next door to the Commissioner's house.
Gomez Addams: My dear, at a time like this we can't afford to be choosy.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's... it's not that, but... That lot doesn't have any caves, and then no quicksand, no swamp...
Gomez Addams: Fester... What's a swamp? A bunch of mud, slime and stench. We'll build our own!

Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Uh, well, Addams, I-I must say you're taking this eviction like a good sport.
Gomez Addams: Well, nobody can say that an Addams stood in the way of progress, although I must admit Uncle Fester is a bit upset.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, you see, there are no caves or swamps on our new property.
Gomez Addams: But we do have plans for building our own - that is, if our neighbors don't object.
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Well, any man who would object to having a swamp right next to his home is a petty individual, indeed.
Gomez Addams: Glad to hear you say that, Commissioner. We love animals and we're planning a mud wallow for our hippopotamus.
Phoebe Henson: Arthur and I just adore animals, too.
Gomez Addams: [warmly and vigorously shakes Henson's hand] Neighbor!
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: No, no... d'I... I mean, you're not gonna move in next to... to... t...
Phoebe Henson: To us?
Gomez Addams: Right smack!
[the Henson's, with apparently nothing to lose, hurriedly guzzle down their cups of silverware-dissolving wolfsbane tea]

[the Addams family prepares to ride along with the mansion on its move to a new location]
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are the children, dear?
Gomez Addams: Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.
Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?
Gomez Addams: Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.

"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt and the Vocational Counselor (#1.32)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [looking down at Itt, who's slept through Morticia's festive hat dance] We've entertained some pretty cold audiences but at least they didn't fall asleep. They had the decency to walk out.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, we MUST think of a way to help Cousin Itt.
Gomez Addams: We'd better. He's threatening to go to the south seas and become a beachcomber.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, we can't let THAT happen. He'd never get the sand out of his hair.

Morticia Frump Addams: Voilá! I have it.
Gomez Addams: Tish, that's French.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please, let me tell you my idea.
Gomez Addams: [leering] Let me tell ya mine.

Morticia Frump Addams: I have the perfect career for Cousin Itt - marriage counselor.
Gomez Addams: Isn't he a bit inexperienced?
Morticia Frump Addams: So is the hangman till his first job.

Morticia Frump Addams: Good afternoon, Dr. Itt, we're a young married couple and we have a problem.
Cousin Itt: D'ya d'yeh dih dium d'oh.
Gomez Addams: Whadda you MEAN you're too busy to see us? We need help.
Morticia Frump Addams: [warningly] Henry...!

Gomez Addams: Tish, when you laugh it drives me wild!
Morticia Frump Addams: [as Gomez kisses his way up her arm] Darling, please, we're two other people.

Morticia Frump Addams: Obviously being a marriage counselor isn't his cup of tea.
Gomez Addams: Perhaps his cup of tea is failure.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's what they used to say about old Cornelius Addams - and they were right - but not about Cousin Itt. He's different.

Morticia Frump Addams: What do we always do when we have an insurmountable problem?
Gomez Addams: Give up.
Morticia Frump Addams: Not always.

Mortimer Phelps: [to Itt] Now I'll say a word and you say whatever pops into your mind. Uh... bird.
Gomez Addams: Vulture.
Morticia Frump Addams: Molting.
Gomez Addams: Mating.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nesting.
Gomez Addams: Billing.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cooing.
Gomez Addams: Lips.
Morticia Frump Addams: Red.
Gomez Addams: Kiss me!
Mortimer Phelps: Please! Now, I will not tolerate any more interruptions.
Gomez Addams: Really, old man, you don't understand true love when you see it.

Gomez Addams: You can't hurry science.
Mortimer Phelps: After all, Madam Curie didn't invent the cotton gin in minutes.

Mortimer Phelps: Now, you may not realize it, but Cousin Itt is no ordinary person.
Gomez Addams: Course not. He's got an I.Q. of 320 - and that's without his shoes on.

"The Addams Family: Itt's Over (#1.10)" (1992)
[first lines]
[a set of model trains are about to crash into each other at a crossroads]
Wednesday Addams: Prepare yourself, Pugsley!
Pugsley Addams: It's time to kick in the turbos! Oh yeah! Do it!
Wednesday Addams: And now for the coup de grace, Pugsley!
[Wednesday, Pugsley and Thing pull out plungers]
Gomez Addams: STOP! What are you two doing?
Wednesday Addams: We're sorry, Father. We didn't think you'd mind.
Gomez Addams: Mind? Of course I mind!
[takes a doll's pram, puts a cute teddy bear in it, and puts the pram on the crossroads... ]
Gomez Addams: Ah, yes...!
Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
Gomez Addams: [grabbing a plunger] Let her rip, my lovely little atrocities!
Wednesday Addams: Oui, mon papa!
[big explosion]
Pugsley Addams: GOTCHA!
Gomez Addams: Now THAT"s the way to enjoy a wreck!

Morticia Addams: I hope you're successful, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester: [tying his hair to the car] Don't worry, Morticia. Remember how well it worked when I grew that blue arm?
Gomez Addams: Besides, just think how much fun Lurch will have dragging Fester around the neighborhood, you lucky dog!

Uncle Fester: Oh, Cousin Itt, I know I've troubled you many times for the honour of gnawing the birds out of your coiffe...
Gomez Addams: [excited] FESTER! That's French!
Uncle Fester: GET AWAY FROM ME! Go talk to your wife!
Gomez Addams: Oh, right...

Gomez Addams: We haven't had a family tragedy like this since Uncle Goner caught the plague!
Morticia Addams: What was tragic about that, dear?
Gomez Addams: I didn't catch it!

Morticia Addams: Dear, the police are here to see Uncle Fester...
Gomez Addams: They probably want to use him as a crash-test dummy again! That should cheer him up!

Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I just realized Fester's about to become a convicted felon! Do you know what that means?
Morticia Addams: A proud Addams tradition lives on!

Mr. Normanmeyer: [to Fester, in prison] What? You mean... you like it?
Uncle Fester: I love it! I made these great new friends! And they even let me plait my hair in the license plate machine, too!
Gomez Addams: Aha! A childhood dream come true!
Uncle Fester: That's right! And I owe it all to my pal, NORM!
[hugs Normanmeyer through the bar, who starts banging the bars in frustration and despair]
Mr. Normanmeyer: No! No! No! No! No!

Uncle Fester: Oh, Cousin Itt, even if it means I have to leave the Shangri-La, I'm a smiling fool just because you're back!
[Itt jabbers]
Uncle Fester: What? You can have me thrown in jail whenever I want and I don't even have to commit a crime? Gee, thanks!
Gomez Addams: Just one of the benefits of having a government man in the family!

Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, there's something so romantic about a train ride!
Gomez Addams: Wind in your hair, the clickety-clack of the tracks... and being robbed and kidnapped by a bunch of cutthroats!

Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester, your hair...!
Uncle Fester: Oh, no! Is it back?
Morticia Addams: No, dear, it's all gone!
Uncle Fester: Oh... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!
Gomez Addams: That must be a load off your mind.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!

Uncle Fester: Cousin Itt, I throw myself on the mercy of your split ends! Tell me how to get rid of this hair.
[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: Oh, dear, it's classified government information!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! Another bureaucratic cover-up!
Uncle Fester: You government agents are all alike: three-foot tall balls of unyielding fur! And after all those times I licked your driveway clean!

"The Addams Family: Amnesia in the Addams Family (#1.22)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, this is dreadful. Has your memory been destroyed?
Gomez Addams: I don't know. I don't remember.

Gomez Addams: [gazing around at his home] Looks like a museum that's been condemned.

Gomez Addams: What's that?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's our butler, Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Is it real or do you wind it up?

Morticia Frump Addams: Surely you recognize your own offspring.
Gomez Addams: No, but the girl DOES resemble you.
Morticia Frump Addams: And Pugsley's the image of you.
Gomez Addams: [horrified] He is?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, naturally. Look in the mirror.
Gomez Addams: [shunning away, quickly] I'm afraid.

Gomez Addams: I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."
Wednesday Addams: But what have I done?
Gomez Addams: Nothing.
Wednesday Addams: Then why are you punishing me?

Uncle Fester Frump: Why do you keep staring at me?
Gomez Addams: Doesn't everyone?

Gomez Addams: [spotting Mama in the stocks] This is an interesting old wooden carving.
Grandmama Addams: Me, a wooden carving?
Gomez Addams: It's alive!

[Morticia hopes Gomez' memory will return through routine activities]
Morticia Frump Addams: Let's recapture those mad moments, Gomez. Kiss my arm.
Gomez Addams: Your arm?
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm yours, from shoulder to knuckle.
Gomez Addams: Isn't that rather unsanitary?

Gomez Addams: It's not very easy to relax around here.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, of course it is. Stand on your head.

Gomez Addams: Nothing takes the knots off a man's head like sandpaper.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family in Court (#1.21)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.
Gomez Addams: I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Bailiff: Look, mister, I don't make the laws. Just pay the ten dollar fine and you can have her out in five minutes.
Gomez Addams: Oh, I'm afriad I couldn't do that. It wouldn't give Mama time enough to do her famous mess hall scene. She just loves prison pictures.

Morticia Frump Addams: Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light - Gomez "Loophole" Addams!
[the Addams family applauds as Gomez takes a bow]
Judge Harvey Saunders: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What goes on here?
Uncle Fester Frump: Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
Judge Harvey Saunders: I warn you I'll stand for no nonsense.
Gomez Addams: I object.
Judge Harvey Saunders: You object?
Gomez Addams: Just testing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I don't think he likes us. Maybe you'd better pay him the ten dollars.
Gomez Addams: For a trumped up charge?
Morticia Frump Addams: Offer him five.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. We've got him on the run.

[Gomez has Mama called to the stand]
Judge Harvey Saunders: Swear her in.
Gomez Addams: I object.
Judge Harvey Saunders: You object to your own witness taking the oath?
Gomez Addams: I certainly do. Cramps her style.
Morticia Frump Addams: You avoided that trap very neatly, darling.

Gomez Addams: [to the judge] I shall ignore the prejudice, intimidation and irregularities of this entire farce and caution you that, no matter WHAT the verdict is, I shall appeal!

Judge Harvey Saunders: I'm beginning to doubt your credentials as a lawyer.
Gomez Addams: I resent that!
Judge Harvey Saunders: I think you're a fraud!
Gomez Addams: [placated] That's different.

[Morticia has the Judge's leave to run the court]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Perhaps you can penetrate the wall of bias and ignorance surrounding this travesty of justice.
Morticia Frump Addams: I can only try.

Gomez Addams: [to Judge Saunders] Well, sorry we can't stay for the sentencing. We're double parked.

[Morticia gazes into the crystal ball to see what's become of Judge Saunders since the trial]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, there he is. I can see him now, and he's still a judge.
Gomez Addams: Supreme court?
Morticia Frump Addams: County fair.
Gomez Addams: He deserved the promotion.

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Reluctant Lover (#2.10)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: I'll never forget my first crush. She was a ravishing creature of eight, but it didn't work out. The first time I kissed her we locked braces. Took the dentist two hours to pry us apart.

Isobel Dunbar: I have a... a... Well, there's a letter I simply must read to you.
Gomez Addams: Well, sit right down. Make yourself comfortable. Read away.
Isobel Dunbar: Some of this is embarrassing.
Gomez Addams: Really? My favorite reading.

Isobel Dunbar: [reading Pugsley's letter aloud] "When I first saw you from afar, my heart flamed with a fierce passion. And when you spoke French - Ooo-la-la! Ah, your radiant beauty..."
Isobel Dunbar, Gomez Addams: [together] "... your captivating allure..."
Gomez Addams: "... drew me to you like honey to a suckle." Honey to a suckle?
Isobel Dunbar: Then... YOU wrote this?
Gomez Addams: [taking the letter in fond reminiscence] I certainly did.
Isobel Dunbar: Oh, Mr. Addams. I don't know what to say. I never had an attractive man like you fall in love with me before.
Gomez Addams: Heh-heh-heh... What?

Morticia Frump Addams: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Gomez Addams: Lincoln?
Morticia Frump Addams: Jefferson.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, you're all woman.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, I know.

Isobel Dunbar: Mr. Addams, ah... I've been thinking about us. I'm afraid we're making a mistake.
Gomez Addams: [grabbing her] A mistake?
Isobel Dunbar: Oh...
Gomez Addams: Did Sampson and Delila make a mistake?
Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
Gomez Addams: Did Anthony and Cleopatra make a mistake?
Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
Gomez Addams: Did Romeo and Juliet make a mistake?
Isobel Dunbar: Yes!
Gomez Addams: Well, everyone's entitled to one mistake.

Gomez Addams: We'll fly away together to the Black Forest.
Isobel Dunbar: But what about your wife?
Gomez Addams: She's been there.

Morticia Frump Addams: Just tell Gomez I said "Don't. Stop."
Uncle Fester Frump: "Don't. Stop."
Morticia Frump Addams: He'll understand.
Uncle Fester Frump: You know me - Old Dependable.
Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia says "Don't stop."
Gomez Addams: Don't stop? Thanks.
Gomez Addams: [back to Miss Dunbar] Now what was I saying before we were interrupted? Ah, yes! I was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt.
Uncle Fester Frump: [running out of the room] MORTICIA!

Gomez Addams: Ah, but enough of this small talk! My heart belongs to... what's-her-name!

[Principal Jennings interrupts Gomez's ovations to Miss Dunbar]
Gomez Addams: Sir, if you're a jealous husband or boyfriend, the whole thing was a mistake, an April Fool joke.
J. Laurel Jennings: An April Fool joke - In October?
Gomez Addams: I like to get an early start.

"The Addams Family: F.T.V. (#1.9)" (1992)
[THe FTV satellite is heading for Happydale Heights]
Morticia Addams: Gomez, we can roast marshmallows like we did on Mount Vesuvius!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! The bag is in the pantry...

[Gomez and Morticia are brushing their teeth before bedtime]
Gomez Addams: As my mouth foams with toothpaste, so foams my heart with love!

Uncle Fester: Wanna relive our safari days and shrink my head?
Gomez Addams: Always, brother! But I promised my pet I'd read her the next two chapters of Uncle Spore's "Fungi of the World."
Morticia Addams: Ah, the way Gomez reads each page it's as if Uncle Spore was with us in the room.
Gomez Addams: Well, he was, until Lurch hosed down the underside of the bed...

Wednesday Addams: Dear Uncle, what mischief have you devised this morning?
Uncle Fester: Behold, my own satellite TV station!
Gomez Addams: YES!

Gomez Addams: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, vertebrates and invertebrates, F.T.V is on the air!

Gomez Addams: [narrating amidst tropical scenery] Tired of your regular vacations? Tired of the same old peaceful rift year after year? Then kiss the mundane goodbye! Call Uncle Goner's Travel Agency today for that vacation with a twist!
[a van is seen chugging along]
Gomez Addams: Marvel at the majestic beauty of the Grand Canyon!
[the van drives off a cliff]
Gomez Addams: Behold the titanic wonder of Niagara Falls!
[the van goes over the falls]
Gomez Addams: Relive the elegance of the Orient Express!
[the van goes into a tunnel and comes out impaled on a train engine]
Gomez Addams: Or, if, you dare, discover the behind-the-scenes reality that made Gary Indiana famous!
[the van is pulled into the train]
Gomez Addams: Uncle Goner's Travel Agency! Call now!
Mr. Normanmeyer: [watching the advertisement] Oh, that's rich!

Mr. Normanmeyer: [points out the window] Say, isn't that a six-car pile-up?
Pugsley Addams: Cool!
[the Addamses rush over to the window to check it out]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [deactivating the satellite] Come on, baby, come on down...
[the Addams return from the window depressed]
Wednesday Addams: Darn the luck!
Uncle Fester: Oh, buck it!
Gomez Addams: Just another Johnson barbecue...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, I guess my eyes aren't what they used to be...

[Thanks to Normanmeyer, the city is in a mass panic]
Uncle Fester: WOW!
Gomez Addams: About ten seconds on the job, and the man's already making his mark!

Uncle Fester: [receiving money] Thanks! It all goes into my Norm fund, you know!
Morticia Addams: Only four more months, and you'll have enough to build that nice Mr. Normanmeyer a new home!
Gomez Addams: Wait until he sees the underwater bowling alley!

[brushing their teeth in the bathroom]
Morticia Addams: Darling, please don't rinse.
Gomez Addams: Why not, Tish?
Morticia Addams: It's like you have hoof-and-mouth all over again.

"The Addams Family: Lurch, the Teenage Idol (#1.33)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Lurch! He's been stabbed!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense, darling. That's the way he sings.
Gomez Addams: He'd be better stabbed.

Mizzy Bickle: I'm gonna make this guy the biggest thing in the music business.
Gomez Addams: He's already the biggest thing in the butler business. Show him, Lurch. Stand up.

Mizzy Bickle: This guy's dynamite. He'll be bigger than the Beagles.
Morticia Frump Addams: The Beagles?
Uncle Fester Frump: They're very tasty.
Gomez Addams: Those are bagels.
Mizzy Bickle: The Begals? That's a great group, too.

[Morticia and Gomez play indoor golf, with Gomez's forehead used as the tee]
Gomez Addams: [from the floor] All right, now. Eye on the ball.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, suppose I miss the ball and hit YOU.
Gomez Addams: Counts as a stroke. Helps develops accuracy.

[Fester is cooking; Morticia reads his recipe book]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fillet of fenny snake in a caldron boil and bake. Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and pollywog...
Gomez Addams: Ooo, stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook. That's the witches' scene from MacBeth.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he?

[the foghorn blows]
Gomez Addams: Lurch! The door!
Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch is busy resting.
Gomez Addams: That's ridiculous! How can he expect to rest with me yelling for him every five minutes?

Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm gonna let YOU get us out. You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: You're the head of the family, Gomez. YOU tell him.
Gomez Addams: Am I supposed to do everything?
Morticia Frump Addams: We'll do this the democratic way. We'll vote on it.
Gomez Addams: Capital idea!
Morticia Frump Addams: All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say aye.
Grandmama Addams: Aye.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aye.
Morticia Frump Addams: Aye - it's unanimous.
Gomez Addams: But, I... I... I...
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, three more ayes! It's becoming a landslide.

[the excitement of a proposed concert tour causes Lurch laryngitis; Fester and Gomez try curing him with a tank of spray]
Gomez Addams: Ah, it's no good, Fester. Didn't help a bit.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hmm. That's funny. It cured the rose bushes just like that.
[Fester clicks his fingers]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.

[Lurch hands out autographed pictures of himself]
Gomez Addams: Best picture you ever took, Lurch - doesn't look a thing like you.

"The Addams Family: My Fair Cousin Itt (#2.1)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: By George, this house is a veritable cesspool of talent.

Gomez Addams: [to Itt] You most certainly ARE good for SOMETHING - we just don't know what it is.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm so happy. I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.
Gomez Addams: That isn't easy under all that hair.

Erich von Bissell: [upon hearing Cousin Itt speak] Oh, that's impossble! I will not work with such insanity!
Morticia Frump Addams: Please! Cousin Itt is very sensitive. Where'd he go?
Gomez Addams: Where any sensitive artist would go when his feelings are wounded - up the chimney.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, Mr. Von Bissel may have a point. I do think Itt's voice is a bit too fast for the average listener.
Gomez Addams: We never noticed that.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, I noticed it in that last scene we did. Perhaps we'd best take him down to the playroom and work on his voice, bring out that fine timber.
Gomez Addams: Great idea, but we'll have to watch out for splinters.

Morticia Frump Addams: [about Itt] His voice is much too high. I wish we could lower it.
Gomez Addams: Maybe we should drop him down a well.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it's all my fault, Gomez. When I changed his voice I changed his whole personality.
Gomez Addams: Oh, it's not your fault. It's just, uh... It's just, well... Come to think of it, it IS your fault.

Sam Derrick: [upon meeting Cousin Itt] Amazing! Incredible! We leave for Hollywood tonight.
Gomez Addams: Hollywood?
Morticia Frump Addams: But I thought Broadway was in New York.
Sam Derrick: Madam, I am on my way out to Hollywood to do a picture - The Hairy Beast from the Mars Canals - and he'll be perfect in the title roll!

Gomez Addams: [having written another play] You should hear the big scene: This character, Charlie, can't pay back the twenty dollars he owes; this other fellow, Pete, demands a pound of flesh.
Morticia Frump Addams: Twenty dollars for a pound of flesh?
Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds fine to me.
Morticia Frump Addams: It does?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. You should go in a butcher shop and SEE the prices they're getting.

"The Addams Family: Lurch Learns to Dance (#1.13)" (1964)
Lurch: I'm a wallflower.
Gomez Addams: What?
Lurch: I can't dance.
Gomez Addams: Oh, it's so simple. You can learn in no time.
[snapping his fingers in time]
Gomez Addams: "Come, and trip it as you go, / On the light fantastic toe." Shakespeare!
Morticia Frump Addams: [snaps her fingers] Milton!
Gomez Addams: By Jove, you're right.

Morticia Frump Addams: Look at Mr. Addams. He's always developing outside interests.
Gomez Addams: Right now I have the most enviable collection of coroner reports in the neighborhood.

[Gomez spots Lurch, dragging in the dance instructress who fainted at the door at the sight of him]
Gomez Addams: Great form, Lurch, but you're not keeping time to the music.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear, I can't find Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Ah, he did seem depressed by all that Butlers' Ball talk.
Morticia Frump Addams: You don't suppose he did anything drastic, do you?
Gomez Addams: Of course not, otherwise your little vulture would be circling the area.

Gomez Addams: Little Pugsley has the nose of a bloodhound. As a matter of fact, it's his best feature.

Gomez Addams: Mrs. Addams won the Twist Award at the Funeral Directors' Ball. They awarded her The Silver Urn.

Morticia Frump Addams: Well, should we call another instructress?
Gomez Addams: Waste of smelling salts.

[Gomez tries teaching Lurch to tango]
Gomez Addams: What's wrong, Lurch?
Lurch: You didn't shave.
Gomez Addams: Señoritas never do.

Gomez Addams: I promised him a large contribution to their pet charity.
Morticia Frump Addams: How nice of them to have charities for pets.

"The Addams Family: Lurch and His Harpsichord (#1.25)" (1965)
Mr. Oscar Belmont: This harpsichord, for example - most unusual.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's a genuine 1503 Krumpnik. It was in Cousin Krimp's family for over 400 years.
Gomez Addams: Cousin Krimp used to love playing it. Played 4-handed pieces on it - all by himself.

[Mr. Belmont kisses harpsichord before leaving]
Morticia Frump Addams: He IS a music lover, isn't he?
Gomez Addams: He reminds me of Aunt Trivia.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, was Aunt Trivia a music lover?
Gomez Addams: No, she just liked to go around kissing harpsichords.

Morticia Frump Addams: So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.
Gomez Addams: We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.
Morticia Frump Addams: What do you say to that?
Lurch: I quit.
Gomez Addams: No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.
[Lurch thinks for a moment]
Lurch: I quit.

Morticia Frump Addams: [near tears as Lurch exits dejectedly] Oh, Gomez, I think we've wounded him beyond repair.
Gomez Addams: Cadamia, it's your imagination.
Lurch: [from another part of the house] Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: What's that?
Morticia Frump Addams: My imagination.

Gomez Addams: After all, how long does it take to build a harpsichord?
Morticia Frump Addams: Two days?
Gomez Addams: Oh, we better be on the safe side - make it three.

Morticia Frump Addams: I think we ought to leave Lurch alone with his harpsichord for the rest of the day.
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, Cadamia. We'll spend the afternoon at Lover's Leap.
Uncle Fester Frump: What'll I do there?
Gomez Addams: We'll make love, and you'll leap.

[Espying Lurch heading toward the door with his packed carpet bag]
Gomez Addams: Lurch, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: What's that in your hand?
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are you going?
Gomez Addams: Answer the third question first.
Morticia Frump Addams: What? Uh, yes, where are you going?
Lurch: Home, to Mama.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense!
Uncle Fester Frump: Easy, Lurch. You'll lose your pension rights.
Lurch: Nobody cares about me.
Gomez Addams: Of course we care about you, Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all love you, Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, now, let's not get sick'ning. I LIKE ya, Lurch, but I don't LOVE ya.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.
Gomez Addams: That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh? When he lead his men into battle?
Gomez Addams: Off his sinking ship.

Morticia Frump Addams: And what about Mr. Belmont?
Gomez Addams: Oh, his trial comes up in three weeks.
Morticia Frump Addams: He'll get ten years.
Gomez Addams: Why, Cadida? I'm defending him.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm glad.
Gomez Addams: You're glad?
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes. He ought to get life, and with you defending him, he will.

"The Addams Family: Happyester Fester (#1.1)" (1992)
[first lines]
[at dinner]
Gomez Addams: Ah, Lurch old boy, you've outdone yourself! You've charred many tree stumps in your day, but the termite stuffing makes this one outstanding!

Gomez Addams: [looking at an empty seat] You know, Tish, dinner just isn't the same without Fester.
Morticia Addams: He'd sit here after he was one, smiling and dabbing his mouth.
Gomez Addams: And then he'd belch and blow out a window or two!

Morticia Addams: Do you think Uncle Fester's all right, dear? He's been down in the basement for almost a week now.
Gomez Addams: Well, you know how these geniuses are, always working on something.
Morticia Addams: Yes. But he was so upset for not selling his last invention. And he had such a high hope for his lint wigs.
[an explosion occurs]
Uncle Fester: [appearing from a door] Oh boy! I hit the jack pot! Excuse me a minute.
[ducks back in for another explosion]
Uncle Fester: [laughing] I didn't want to miss the afterblast!

Gomez Addams: Gadzooks and goodnights! Fester has invented a new fabric! It's bulletproof, self-cleaning...
Uncle Fester: And it tastes good with dip, too!
Wednesday Addams: Congratulations, Uncle Fester!
Morticia Addams: Isn't it exciting, Fester? Your first successful invention!
Uncle Fester: I call it Happyester, after Happydale Heights, our fine city!

Gomez Addams: Follow me, Fester! I know just who to talk to about your new invention!
Morticia Addams: Au revoir, darling!
Gomez Addams: [excited] Cara Mia! You spoke French!
[picks up both of Morticia's hands]
Gomez Addams: This one. No, no! No, no! This one! No, no! No, no! This one!
Morticia Addams: What's wrong, darling?
Gomez Addams: I can't make up my mind! Both arms are so beautiful!

Gomez Addams: What would you say if I offered you a prime business opportunity, Normanmeyer?
Mr. Normanmeyer: First, I'd laugh in your face. Then I'd be violently ill!
Gomez Addams: See? Told you he'd like it!

Gomez Addams: My brother Fester's invented a brand new fabric!
Mr. Normanmeyer: I don't want anything that jerk invents!
Uncle Fester: [close to tears] Did you hear that? He doesn't even know me that well and already he's treating me like family!

Uncle Fester: Did somebody say family dance? How about the Dry White Poke Out?
Gomez Addams: Fester, it's miles to the airport!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah, right. Then how about the Pork Butt?
[the family cheers]

[Pugsley throws food at his father]
Morticia Addams: Pugsley, where are your manners?
Pugsley Addams: Sorry, Mom.
Morticia Addams: You forgot the gravy!
Pugsley Addams: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad!
[throws gravy at his father]
Gomez Addams: Mmm. Crunchy, just the way I like it!

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the People's Choice (#2.5)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Incompetence in office - the bane of our existence!
Gomez Addams: To think that in the last election I VOTED for that unmitigated scoundrel!
Morticia Frump Addams: Not only that, darling, you voted for him twice.

Gomez Addams: [dictating his speech] ... and rest assured, ladies and gentlemen, that the Addams campaign will remain dignified, on a high level and completely free from the scurrilous tactics of my conniving, double-dealing scoundrel of an opponent.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling.
Gomez Addams: Yes, my dear.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's time for your baby-kissing practice session.

Lurch: [announcing] The press.
Reporter: I'm Brown from The Sun.
Gomez Addams: Ah, you certainly look it!

Reporter: How do you feel about slums?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, preserving our historical landmark is his first consideration.
Gomez Addams: Start out picking on slums, you wind up doing away with swamps!
Morticia Frump Addams: And when you do away with swamps, where are the children going to play?

Gomez Addams: Oh, by the way, the mayor is coming over tomorrow morning to issue a formal challenge. He's bringing along some reporters to make sure I don't weasel out. Ha-ha-ha! ME weasel out. Ha-ha! Hey, it's not a bad idea.

Gomez Addams: [statement to the press] Not only do I accept the challenge of a television debate, but I refuse to sink to the level of this corrupt old windbag and engage in any name-calling.

Uncle Fester Frump: Gomez, I just have to see ya!
Gomez Addams: Yeah, it has been hours, hasn't it? I'm really touched.

Lurch: [introducing the reporter to Gomez and Morticia] The press
Reporter: I'm Brown from The Sun
Gomez Addams: Ah you certainly look it.

"The Addams Family: Lurch's Little Helper (#2.27)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: [building a robot] Wrench!
Uncle Fester Frump: [assisting him] Wrench!
Gomez Addams: Pliers!
Uncle Fester Frump: Pliers!
Gomez Addams: Screwdriver!
Uncle Fester Frump: Screwdriver!
[he gives him a Screwdriver cocktail]
Gomez Addams: [drinks] Delicious!

Morticia Frump Addams: [bowing to Gomez who has come bounding into the living room wielding a samurai sword] Gong ho, my lord and master.
Gomez Addams: [likewise bowing] Yasho, me shukiyaki.
Morticia Frump Addams: Samurai time again, darling?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but it won't be much fun without Lurch. Then, he has to get his rest. I'll teach Smiley. Smiley!
Smiley: [enters] You - rang?
Gomez Addams: No, Smiley, I called. I'm going to make an ancient Japanese warrior out of you, Smiley. First thing I want you to do...
Lurch: [interrupting as he enters] Nooooooooooooo!
Lurch: [to Smiley] Follow me.
Morticia Frump Addams: [after Lurch and Smiley exit] Isn't that sweet! I don't think Lurch is jealous of Smiley anymore. He probably wants to play with him.
Gomez Addams: Well, this house always has bred peace and harmony.
[loud commotion offstage; Lurch re-enters alone]
Gomez Addams: What was that noise all about?
Morticia Frump Addams: And where is Smiley?
Lurch: [holds up large wrench] Resigned.
Lurch: [puts down wrench, picks up samurai sword, faces Gomez] Banzai!
Gomez Addams: [delighted] Banzai!
[Gomez leaps into action, yelling in Japanese]

Morticia Frump Addams: I'm a little worried about Lurch, though, darling.
Gomez Addams: [still recuperating from playing samurai with Lurch] You think I overdid it this time, took too much out of him?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, but I do think we're overworking the poor dear.
Gomez Addams: We just work him day and night. All the rest of the time's his own.

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, dear Lurch. He's so pleased with his new helper.
Gomez Addams: Always was a warm, friendly, sort.

Gomez Addams: Nobody does a back-scratch like Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's those talons of his.

Gomez Addams: [grabbing and kissing Morticia's arm] Tish, that French! Speak some more. Au revoir. Avant-garde. Ooh la la.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, Lurch now; ooh la la later.

Gomez Addams: I've been yanking on this bell for twenty minutes. Why doesn't Lurch answer?
Uncle Fester Frump: Want me to go up to his room and see if he's dead or somethin'?
Morticia Frump Addams: If he's resting we shouldn't want to disturb him, and if he's dead there's no point to it.

Gomez Addams: [admiring Morticia's flower stems] You were born with a green thumb.
Morticia Frump Addams: [looking at her thumb] Really? Must have been very attractive.

Gomez Addams: Can you imagine a roast aardvark without an apple in its mouth. It's like... it's like, uh... a martini without the egg.

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 1 (#2.2)" (1965)
[It's later in the day on the first day that Gomez and Morticia have met]
Gomez: Has anyone ever told you you have the softest brown eyes?
Morticia: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Gomez: No wonder no one ever told you.

Gomez: Thanks a lot, Itt. Underneath all that hair, you really are... what are you underneath all that hair?
Cousin Itt: [Cousin Itt's gibberish]
Gomez: Roots? Makes sense.

Morticia: [recalling the day she first met Gomez] I'll never forget that day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing...
Gomez: I knew we were in for trouble.

Grandmama Addams: Gomez, are you gonna spend your whole life sitting there when romance is on the way?
Gomez: [coughing] How can I think of romance when my bronchial tubes are collapsing?
Grandmama Addams: You're the one that's collapsing. Been sitting at that contraption for twenty-two years. It's time you tried a girl.
Gomez: I don't like girls.
Grandmama Addams: Well, you can't marry a vaporizer.

Grandmama Addams: Gomez, why don't you and Ophelia take a walk in the garden?
Gomez: Oh, it's too chilly out there.
Granny Hester Frump: Ophelia'll warm you up.
Gomez: I better get my coat on.
Ophelia Frump: A coat? In July? Well, it IS more becoming.
Gomez: I just want to keep my bronchial tubes warm.
Grandmama Addams: Yeah, you won't want a son-in-law with cold bronchial tubes, would ya?

Gomez: Would you, uh, like to join us in the garden?
Morticia: Could we dig some graves for my dolls?
Gomez: I'd like to but, uh, afraid it would be too strenuous for me.

Gomez: My favorite person in history is Ivan the Terrible.
Morticia: Oh, he WAS sweet.

Ophelia Frump: Fair Gomez, is there anything you'd like to do?
Gomez: Yes. Go into a coma.
Ophelia Frump: [amused] Ohh... Oh, he does have a delicious sense of humor. And he shall be rewarded.
Gomez: You're going to leave?
Ophelia Frump: Nonsense. I'm going to amuse thee, sire.
[Ophelia thereby saws a violin in half with great vigor]

Gomez: I never eat lunch. It spoils my dinner.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Tree (#1.5)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: I'll bet they've got daisies in their back yard.
Gomez Addams: Please, don't make me ill.

Gomez Addams: Your mother is still the world's best tarantula wrapper.

Gomez Addams: I always did suspect those white plastic ducks out on the lawn.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, some people have a twisted sense of beauty.

Gomez Addams: You'll have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.
Uncle Fester Frump: No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! That is not the honorable way.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know, but it's the safe way.

Cecil B. Pomeroy: I'm Cecil B. Pomeroy. Perhaps you've heard of me. I'm in oil.
Gomez Addams: Ohhh. Boiling?
Cecil B. Pomeroy: [witheringly] Lubricating.

Wednesday Addams: I'm sorry I punched you in the eye, Harold.
Cecil B. Pomeroy: [defending his son's honor] She must have hit him while his back was turned.
Gomez Addams: In the eye?

Cecil B. Pomeroy: Merciful Heavens! What was that?
Gomez Addams: [matter-of-factly] Pugsley's jaguar.
Cecil B. Pomeroy: Pugsley's jag...? You mean that your child is having my son ride a wild animal?
Morticia Frump Addams: Don't worry. When Fang makes THAT noise, nobody rides him.

Morticia Frump Addams: [noticing Professor Simm glasses at the table without Professor Simms behind them] Darling, where's Professor Simms?
[Gomez and Morticia notice their lion, Kitty, lazing out on the living room carpet in high satisfaction]
Morticia Frump Addams: Do you think...?
Gomez Addams: [smiling broadly] You know Kitty can't STAND the taste of people.

"The Addams Family: The Great Treasure Hunt (#2.19)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Zounds! For want of a shingle a lovely moment is lost.

Gomez Addams: [pulling a peg-leg from the sea chest] Ohh. Old Peg-leg's peg-leg.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, the poor thing. How did he lose his leg, dear?
Gomez Addams: He didn't. He just wore this for appearances.
Morticia Frump Addams: How stylish.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, was Grandfather Peg-leg buried at sea?
Gomez Addams: Full military honors: handcuffed, blindfolded, dropped off a plank.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, what flag shall we sail under.
Gomez Addams: The flag we Addamses have always sailed under - a Jolly Roger.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I love adventure, just so there's money involved.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! We're not going for the money.
Uncle Fester Frump: The gold?
Grandmama Addams: Aren't you buccaneers forgetting something?
Uncle Fester Frump: The jewels!
Grandmama Addams: No, the children. They're in school.
Gomez Addams: Well, we'll just take them out of school.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, yes. The principal's always suggesting it, anyway.

Gomez Addams: Ah-ha, four bells. I think I'll go aft and shiver my timbers.

Morticia Frump Addams: All we need is a cozy little vessel with a tight-lipped crew.
Gomez Addams: To ensure top secret, we'll be our own crew.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, with you in command, how can we go wrong?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, I'll tell ya...
Gomez Addams: [loudly and pompously] We'll have no mutinous talk, sir, unless you'd like to be flogged, keel-hauled and thrown into irons!
Uncle Fester Frump: You know somethin', I think I'd like that.

Gomez Addams: Nothing like a safe to give a wine just the right mellowness.

"The Addams Family: Ophelia Finds Romance (#2.20)" (1966)
[an explosion]
Morticia Frump Addams: Pugsley's new chemistry set. He's making a different kind of TNT.
Gomez Addams: Those educational toys certainly keep a boy out of mischief.
Morticia Frump Addams: I wish I could say the same for Uncle Fester. I caught him cheating at checkers.
Gomez Addams: Inexcusable! Unless he was playing for money.

Gomez Addams: Ophelia! We haven't heard from you in nearly two minutes.

Ophelia Frump: My life is ruined
Gomez Addams: Sounds kind of serious.
Morticia Frump Addams: A man.
Ophelia Frump: Brilliant, charming, cultured, rich.
Gomez Addams: Live?
Ophelia Frump: Yes, I... I'm almost sure he was alive. My mother objects.
Gomez Addams: Granny Frump? Egad, she must be sick. Why?
Ophelia Frump: She says if he's in love with me, there must be something wrong with him.
Gomez Addams: That's a point.

Morticia Frump Addams: I must save my poor deluded sister from the clutches of that beast.
Gomez Addams: Right. She's deluded enough without him.

Ophelia Frump: But I love Horatio.
Gomez Addams: The man's a bounder and a cad.
Morticia Frump Addams: And not a very nice one.

Gomez Addams: [playing cards with Horatio for money] Nothing like hard cash on the line to weed out the ribbon clerks.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, you know so much about the world.
Gomez Addams: I've lived in it all my life.

[Horatio and Ophelia break up]
Gomez Addams: Ophelia, he's the second richest man in the world.
Ophelia Frump: My mother taught me never to settle for second-best.

"The Addams Family: Morticia Joins the Ladies League (#1.6)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, being married to you makes me the world's most fortunate woman.
Gomez Addams: You always were so frank.

Gomez Addams: How long have you owned the circus?
Oscar Webber: Oh, I bought it three years ago, but this past season everything's gone wrong. The fat lady fell in love. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost two hundred and forty pounds.
Gomez Addams: That could be noticeable.
Oscar Webber: Then Marvin the midget... He got himself on a vitamin kick. Little punk started growing again.
Gomez Addams: Oh, no.
Oscar Webber: Yeah. I went along with it for awhile, but when he hit five feet eight, I had to fire him.
Gomez Addams: Five feet eight. Had you thought of billing him as the world's tallest midget?

Gomez Addams: Funniest thing happened to me in Springfield. Wish I could remember what it was.

Gomez Addams: That boy - cute as a bat's ear.

Morticia Frump Addams: [observing Gorgo] You know, I've been watching him play with Pugsley. They've been racing to the top of that tree. Pugsley's won every time.
Gomez Addams: A true Addams. Of course, the boy has an advantage: Gorgo can't hang by his teeth like our son can.

Gomez Addams: By all means, forget you were in a cage and just act like one of the family.

Gomez Addams: Well, Lurch, there are some things YOU can do, and some things an ape can do.

Morticia Frump Addams: I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
Gomez Addams: Sometimes it frightens ME.
Morticia Frump Addams: I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
Gomez Addams: Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.

"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family (#1.20)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [Hands Commissioner Fiske a check for a donation to the zoo] Here you are, sir. One hundred fifty thousand dollars and twenty cents.
Park Commissioner Fiske: Twenty cents?
Gomez Addams: I threw in your car fare.
Park Commissioner Fiske: Thank you! Thank you Uncle Fester! Thank you, Mrs. Addams! Thank you, Mr. Addams and thank you
[shaking Thing's outstretched hand]
Park Commissioner Fiske: ... uhhh ewwww ewwwwwhhh
[shakes his head in disbelief and runs out the door]
Morticia Frump Addams: You're quite right, darling. He should slow down.

[Morticia has spoken French and, because of it, an impassioned Gomez has kissed his way up to her shoulder when the door bell rings]
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please, there's someone at the door.
Gomez Addams: [not stopping] WE'RE married.

Gomez Addams: [watching Cousin Itt shinny up the side of the house and enter through an upper window] Good old Itt! He's comfortably settled in the attic before you can say "Sweep out the cobweb."
Morticia Frump Addams: The perfect houseguest.

[Due to a report of an escaped zoo animal in the neighborhood, the Addamses arm themselves for protection, but after Gomez's hat is shot off, a family meeting is called]
Gomez Addams: GOM
[wearily producing a paper]
Gomez Addams: I'll read this again: "Order of the Day - Shooting will be confined to the escaped beast only, not at just anything that moves."

Morticia Frump Addams: This is rather like being in the jungle again, isn't it, dear?
Gomez Addams: You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, any housewife could do that. YOU were the remarkable one.
Gomez Addams: Well...
Morticia Frump Addams: I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover. He charged our gun-bearer.
Gomez Addams: Ah, yes. Dear Ali-Koshva.
Morticia Frump Addams: Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.
Gomez Addams: Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

Morticia Frump Addams: Let's not have any dueling.
Uncle Fester Frump: That's right. I'll shoot him in the back!
Morticia Frump Addams: No, no, Uncle Fester. There will be no shooting.
Gomez Addams: It DOES disturb the neighbors.

[Morticia tells Fiske she'll not permit Cousin Itt to return with him to the zoo]
Park Commissioner Fiske: [sarcastically] In case you change your mind, I'll reserve a cage for him. In fact, I'll reserve cages for ALL of you!
Gomez Addams: [watching Fiske leave] Cages for all of us? I'm not sure I'd like that.
Morticia Frump Addams: Of course not, darling. We'll insist on one big FAMILY cage.

Announcer: We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's us again.
Lurch: Shall I bolt the windows and doors?
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. It's probably another relative.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family and the Spaceman (#1.27)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, what would we do if a Martian did land right here?
Gomez Addams: We'd do what any red-blooded American would do. Run!
Morticia Frump Addams: True.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Pugsley. He DOES enjoy playing with his missiles.
Gomez Addams: Keeps him out of mischief, too. It's amazing how that little rascal manages to keep one step ahead of the government space program.
Morticia Frump Addams: A true Addams!

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, it's midnight.
Gomez Addams: The perfect time for a little family picnic! We'll surprise the children.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, they have to get up so early to go to school.
Gomez Addams: Well, then, we'll leave them here. That should CERTAINLY surprise them.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, are those men staring at us?
Gomez Addams: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
[Starts kissing her arm]
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please. It's early.
Gomez Addams: Your watch is slow.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!
Uncle Fester Frump: Itt's right. They could be disguised.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope you gentlemen like tongue of yak.
Mr. Hinckley: Yak?
Gomez Addams: Nice and fresh.
Morticia Frump Addams: It costs a little more than the quick-frozen, but it's so much tastier.

Professor Altshuler: But zhey are not Martians!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense. They even speak Martian.
Professor Altshuler: Heh! Zhey learned it from ME!
Gomez Addams: Oh, then, YOU'RE Martian?
Morticia Frump Addams: Funny, you don't look it.

Professor Altshuler: If dey are not Martians and you are not Martians - heh - vot am I doing here?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's an interesting point.
Gomez Addams: [enthusiastically] Why don't we all go outside, look around some more?

"The Addams Family: Green-Eyed Gomez (#1.8)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: I've been yours since that first day you carved my initials in your leg.
Gomez Addams: I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding side-saddle on a buffalo.

Lionel Barker: You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr. Addams.
Gomez Addams: Yes. A man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.

Gomez Addams: This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.
Uncle Fester Frump: You?
Gomez Addams: In my younger days I had women eating out of my hand.
Uncle Fester Frump: Bit messy, wasn't it?

Gomez Addams: The hands that should caress my loving feet now caress the dragon.

Uncle Fester Frump: You mean you're gonna kill yourself?
Gomez Addams: Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let YOU kill me.

Gomez Addams: It's no use, Lurch. Apparently I am doomed to live.
Lurch: Sorry, sir.

[Gomez writes Morticia a love poem]
Gomez Addams: When the blazing sun has turned to mud, And the moon lies dead in a pool of blood, And the tom-tom beat of eternity starts, Whom will I love in my heart of hearts? Mortica.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, that's beautiful.

"The Addams Family: Thing Is Missing (#1.23)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: You know, Tish, there're some times I wish your name were something like Ooo-Ooo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ooo-Ooo?
Gomez Addams: It's almost impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out Morticia.

Wednesday Addams: I won't talk without a lawyer!
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia, while brandishing a hose] She's a shrewd one, but the psychological effect of the hose makes them ALL crack.

[With a flashlight in a darkened room, Gomez interrogates Fester about Thing's disappearance]
Uncle Fester Frump: This what you call a third degree?
Gomez Addams: Is it getting to ya?
Uncle Fester Frump: [relishingly] Oh, yeah. Say, you can take it up the the fourth degree.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! How can you be so callous?
Uncle Fester Frump: I've been practicin'.
Gomez Addams: That does help.

Sam Diamond: Eh, who was it that got snatched?
Morticia Frump Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing? What was his last name?
Gomez Addams: Thing.
Sam Diamond: Thing THING? Kind of a name i' zat?
Morticia Frump Addams: It fits him perfectly.
Gomez Addams: It's true. Signs himself Thing T. Thing.
Sam Diamond: Uh-huh. And... the T stands for...?
Gomez and Morticia: [together] Thing.

[Disheveled and shaken, Sam Diamond returns from the ransom drop at the cemetery]
Gomez Addams: Diamond, old man, back so soon? Thought you'd tarry to enjoy the moonlight. We usually do when we visit the cemetery.

[last lines]
[Going on a outing, the Addamses head for the car]
Gomez Addams: Tish, where will Thing ride?
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, where he always rides - in the glove compartment.

"The Addams Family: My Son, the Chimp (#1.28)" (1965)
[Gomez, doing a bit of indoor fishing, appraises his latest catch]
Gomez Addams: Strangest fish I ever saw!
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, it's Mama's dress shoe!
Gomez Addams: Ah, so it is... Ah, still, it's the biggest thing I ever caught. Two pounds if it's an ounce. An indoor record!

Morticia Frump Addams: [told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.
Gomez Addams: Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.
Chimpanzee: Oo, oo, oo, oo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

[Fester prepares a seance to restore Pugsley]
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, you may as well know, I have been in touch with the spirits.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, well, a little drink now and then never hurt anyone.
Uncle Fester Frump: The spirits of the astral plane I'm talking about.
Gomez Addams: Oh, one of those champaign flights, ay, Fester?
Uncle Fester Frump: [vexed] Very funny.

Uncle Fester Frump: Is that you, Pugsley? Whistle once and rap twice for yes; rap once and whistle three times for no.
[Pugsley can't figure out how to respond, so he raps on the brick wall]
Uncle Fester Frump: Five rap? What does THAT mean?
Gomez Addams: That means it's definitely Pugsley. He never COULD count.

[Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]
Morticia Frump Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
Gomez Addams: What is it, Thing? Something we should know?
Grandmama Addams: Is it smaller than a coffin?
Morticia Frump Addams: Larger than a tsetse fly?
Gomez Addams: Is it the title of a song?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?
Uncle Fester Frump: How many syllables?
Gomez Addams: Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.
[Thing slugs the air]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fight?
Grandmama Addams: Fighting.
Gomez Addams: Fight-ER!
Morticia Frump Addams: Pugilist.
Gomez Addams: Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

Gomez Addams: By George, I WAS right. My Great-Aunt Deleria WAS engaged to a chimpanzee. Here they are.
Morticia Frump Addams: [looking at Gomez's family album] Lovely couple!
Gomez Addams: Too bad he jilted her.

Gomez Addams: Uncle Fester hasn't stopped eating since he clawed his way out of that secret room.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, three days without food DOES tend to sharpen one's appetite.

"The Addams Family: Crisis in the Addams Family (#1.24)" (1965)
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Now get this through your thick head, Addams: We're not paying you one more cent, and that is final!
Gomez Addams: Come come, Henson, you don't really expect me to jump at your first offer.

Gomez Addams: Well, that was a letdown. I merely stated my position with impeccable logic and the poor devil caved in.

Uncle Fester Frump: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
[Fester plods off to his room]
Gomez Addams: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Gomez Addams: All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
Gomez Addams: When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

Gomez Addams: You say "cancel the policy?" But why?
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Well, because the policy doesn't make sense. Things like this: double indemnity for flogging by a carnivorous plant, gunpowder burns, being bitten by an enraged rug.
Gomez Addams: Ha-ha! Good old Fester. He gave me complete coverage.

Mayor Arthur J. Henson: [on the phone] Excelso? Henson. Put me on the hot line - this is a red alert. Hello, chief? I want to report a big swindle. Two million dollars. Addams, Gomez. That's right, two D's. H-how did you know? He is? He does? We do? You are? I am? I see.
[Henson sadly passes the phone to Gomez]
Gomez Addams: Addams here. I do? I am? I can? I will.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I think you made the right decision.
Gomez Addams: The best since I put Winthrope in charge of Addams Motors. Remember? Took a failing company and in three months ran it into bankruptcy.
Morticia Frump Addams: [flatteringly] Dear, you could have done it in ONE month.

"The Addams Family: Halloween - Addams Style (#2.7)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [holding up a sharpened knife before Uncle Fester's face] I wanna get the inner you.
Uncle Fester Frump: Not with that!
Gomez Addams: That's just for carving.
Uncle Fester Frump: That's what I'm afraid of.

Morticia Frump Addams: What's this? Tears on our very own holiday? Why, all those nice witches and goblins flying around...
Wednesday Addams: That's just it. They told us there weren't any witches.
Morticia Frump Addams: WHAT?
Gomez Addams: What fiend uttered that vile canard?

Gomez Addams: Why, that man should be horse-whipped!
Uncle Fester Frump: If I were a horse, I'D whip him.

Gomez Addams: I hope Aunt Singe likes children.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, all witches LOVE children. Remember Hansel and Gretel?
Gomez Addams: Well, they almost wound up in an oven, but until then that old witch couldn't have been nicer.

[Gomez buys a horse]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now let's see, what shall we name him?
Gomez Addams: How 'bout, uh... Fido?
Morticia Frump Addams: Fido? For a horse?
Gomez Addams: Rover?
Morticia Frump Addams: Much better.

Morticia Frump Addams: It's a horse.
Uncle Fester Frump: [dubiously] Are you sure?
Gomez Addams: Not only a beautiful animal but smart, too. He can count to ten.
Uncle Fester Frump: Heh! Big deal. I can count to twenty.
Morticia Frump Addams: But the horse didn't go to school.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, neither did I.

Penelope Sandhurst: You must have mistaken me for someone else.
Morticia Frump Addams: [appraising her features] Oh, no-no-no-no, we didn't. That's an Addams face if I ever saw one. Look at that chin, dear.
Gomez Addams: Flabby, weak, receding.
Morticia Frump Addams: Beautiful!

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Toupee (#1.31)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: By George, Morticia, you've done it again. With a hairpiece, Fester will knock her dead.
Morticia Frump Addams: I don't think we need to go THAT far, darling.

Gomez Addams: Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.
Max: A lion? In THIS house?
Morticia Frump Addams: How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?
Gomez Addams: I can't wait till pet day at school.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, have you noticed how people take to Uncle Fester?
Gomez Addams: Especially the ones who never met him.

Morticia Frump Addams: [pointing to a portrait] Now, who is that?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that's General Ulysses S. Addams.
Gomez Addams: And WHAT did he do at Vicksburg?
Uncle Fester Frump: He surrendered!
Gomez Addams: NOT till they caught up with him!

Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, you know, you're right. I shouldn't let a girl frighten me.
Gomez Addams: Not until you're married.

Gomez Addams: Where were we?
Morticia Frump Addams: On Madeline's five husbands.
Gomez Addams: I checked into them. They all died.
Morticia Frump Addams: Mysteriously?
Gomez Addams: Not at all. Suicide.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm worried.
Gomez Addams: About what?
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester and Madeline. I think those two are in love.
Gomez Addams: With whom?
Morticia Frump Addams: With each other.
Gomez Addams: Impossible.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, it's not at all impossible, darling. According to their horoscopes, it's perfect - she's a Capricorn and he's a bachelor.

"The Addams Family: Fester Goes on a Diet (#2.18)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [watching Fester exercise to Jack LaLanne on TV] What's he doing?
Gomez Addams: He's either dancing to the late late show or exercising to the early early show.

Gomez Addams: Fester's up to something.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, have you ever known Uncle Fester to be sneaky and underhanded?
Gomez Addams: Only when he was up to something shady.

Gomez Addams: Lurch, we know we can count on you. What's troubling Fester?
[Lurch stands motionless and expressionless]
Morticia Frump Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
Gomez Addams: Is he in trouble?
[Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] He's beginning to weaken.
Gomez Addams: [back to Lurch] Is it a money matter?
Morticia Frump Addams: An emotional disturbance?
Gomez Addams: A health problem?
[Lurch remains motionless and expressionless]
Gomez Addams: We're getting warm - a health problem.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, you're right. Uncle Fester's ill.
Gomez Addams: Of course, that's it! It's written all over his face. We just had to keep probing.

Gomez Addams: Just a moment, doctor. Where're you going?
Dr. Motley: I'm going to... nail up a quarantine sign. I can tell just by looking at you there's an epidemic in this house.

Gomez Addams: Fester, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: Up to my room to sharpen my scalpel.
Dr. Motley: Your scalpel?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yes. If my liver count keeps dropping, I may have to operate.

Uncle Fester Frump: You know, Morticia, when she sees me, a great postal romance is goin' right down the drain.
Morticia Frump Addams: Brace up, Uncle Fester. She'll love you for what you are.
Gomez Addams: [indicating his bloated, flabby tummy] All of it.

Morticia Frump Addams: What an interesting couple.
Gomez Addams: They're almost an interesting quartet.

"The Addams Family: Girlfriendstein/Pugsley by the Numbers/Beware of Thing (#1.4)" (1992)
Gomez Addams: Ah, Tish, Sunday wouldn't be the same without our backyard brunches! Hearty meals, family togetherness...
Morticia Addams: And Uncle Fester rolling around in the cemetery!

Morticia Addams: Darling, did you notice? The brownies aren't moving.
Gomez Addams: And there's nothing in my tea except tea! It's not like Lurch to be so slipshod!

Morticia Addams: Family, we need to rally together to help poor heartbroken Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Capital idea, Tish! Let's arrange a date for him with Aunt Ben!
Morticia Addams: But darling, Aunt Ben is a MAN... I think.

[Cousin Itt arrives]
Morticia Addams: Why, Cousin Itt, what brings you out our way?
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: You saw Fester's robot in the spy satellite, and wanted to ask her out?... Go for it, old bean!

[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: Isn't that sweet? Cousin Itt wants a double date with Lurch and his girlfriend.
Gomez Addams: Ah, just think how much fun two lumbering hulks, a robot and a ball of hair can have together...!
Morticia Addams: Darling, we could get Fester to babysit and make it a triple date...
Gomez Addams: Querida! You're a genius!

Morticia Addams: How thoughtful. Itt wants Lurch to enjoy his night off, so HE'll drive.
Gomez Addams: Cousin Itt can't see over the steering wheel! Why, he might drive off a cliff! Cara mia...
Morticia Addams: Are you thinking what I am?
Gomez Addams: Yes! Yes! Yes!

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Illness (#1.18)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Ooo, ooooo, Tish, when you speak French you drive me wild! Speaks some more French, Tish. Anything! Toute allure! La plume de ma tante! Mademoiselle from Armentieres! ANYTHING!
Morticia Frump Addams: [appreciatively] You ARE a devil.

Gomez Addams: Lurch, I'm afraid you're going to have to apologize to Uncle Fester.
Lurch: Ughhhhhhhhh.
Gomez Addams: That's better.
Morticia Frump Addams: DEAR Lurch. He expresses himself so well.

Morticia Frump Addams: [looking through family photos] Oh, Gomez, you were a HANDSOME little boy.
Gomez Addams: Darling, that's our son, Pugsley.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh? You're right! I thought he looked familiar.

[Gomez learns that Dr. Mbogo, the family's African witch doctor, isn't making anymore hose calls]
Gomez Addams: I should have engaged that pygmy doctor when I had the chance. HE was reliable. Besides, he could have traveled for half-fare.

Morticia Frump Addams: [watching Dr. Milford examine Uncle Fester] He does have some unusual methods, doesn't he?
Gomez Addams: Yes, indeed. I... I wish he'd shake his rattles or yell a few times as Dr. Mbogo does. Makes you feel like he's accomplishing something.

Dr. Milford: [to Fester] I better take your temperature.
Gomez Addams: I took his pulse just before you got here.
Dr. Milford: And?
Gomez Addams: Well, either my watch has stopped or he's been dead for twenty minutes.

"The Addams Family: Portrait of Gomez (#2.13)" (1965)
[the family enjoys some front yard moonbathing]
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, do be careful. You know how prone you are to moonburn.
Gomez Addams: Never fear, Querida. My skin is so white it won't peel anymore.

Morticia Frump Addams: You were such a distinguished little baby, with such a distinguished little mustache.
Gomez Addams: Yes. Saved Mama the trouble of straining the baby food.

[the search for Gomez's favorite photographer ends]
Morticia Frump Addams: He now works for the Department of Motor Vehicles. He takes the pictures they use on the driver's licenses.
Gomez Addams: What a proud thing it is to live in a state with such high aesthetic requirements.

[Gomez has never been able to drive]
Gomez Addams: True, but there's very little I don't know about the modern horseless carriage.
Uncle Fester Frump: Except how to shift gears.
Morticia Frump Addams: And steer.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, and, uh, put on the breaks.
Gomez Addams: Well, those things DO give me a little trouble.
Uncle Fester Frump: A LITTLE trouble! Remember the Blue Falconberg we had?
Gomez Addams: Heh-heh, Big Blue! Ho-ho, nothing could stop that car. Scorching desert. Snow-covered mountains. She could go anywhere!
Morticia Frump Addams: Except between two streetcars.

[Morticia gives Gomez a driving lesson]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now, darling, listen: You're going through a school zone.
Gomez Addams: School zone.
Morticia Frump Addams: Your speedometer is registering seventy-five miles an hour.
Gomez Addams: Seventy-five per.
Morticia Frump Addams: What are you doing wrong?
Gomez Addams: Blocking traffic?
Morticia Frump Addams: Think, darling. THINK!
Gomez Addams: Of course! I'm not waving to the little nippers as I drive by. "Hi ya, kids! How are ya!"

Gomez Addams: [to the Strife photographer] Strife Magazine has been one of our favorites.
Morticia Frump Addams: We simply devour it from cover to cover.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aw, it's delicious.

"The Addams Family: Morticia and Gomez vs. Fester and Grandmama (#2.17)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm concerned about the children.
Gomez Addams: I know, but every silver lining has its cloud.

Uncle Fester Frump: [coming in out of the sun] Gomez! Is it really you?
Gomez Addams: Maybe not. I haven't been myself, lately.

Gomez Addams: Fester, my parents were rich, but when I was a boy, I sold newspapers, collected bottles, scrimped and saved my kopecks so that I could buy one single stick of 40% nitro. Now THAT'S how you build character.

Gomez Addams: Querida, you're always at your best in a crisis.
Morticia Frump Addams: And you're so inspiring.
Gomez Addams: That's what they said about old Ebenezer Addams.
Morticia Frump Addams: When he led the early settlers across the great plains?
Gomez Addams: When he sold the first guns to the Indians.
Morticia Frump Addams: He really WAS a pioneer.

Motel Proprietor: You're the first customers we've had here since you were last here two years ago.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, look!
[Morticia picks up a mildewed jeweled hair comb]
Gomez Addams: So THAT"S where you left it.
Motel Proprietor: I'm coming to think there's somthin' wrong with this place. Eh, maybe the location?
Gomez Addams: Nonsense! The location's ideal. Why, the vinegar works are over there; glue factory's right behind ya.

[Hurricane Zsa-Zsa blows into the Addams' neighborhood and everyone runs outside to greet it except for Gomez and Morticia]
Gomez Addams: You and I can go up to the attic.
Morticia Frump Addams: The attic?
Gomez Addams: I know how sentimental you are about the Last Chance Motel. I tore a big hole in the roof.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling.

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Favorite Charity (#1.29)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [entering the basement] Oh, I love coming down to this old room - such charming mustiness.
Gomez Addams: In many ways the most attractive room in the house.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, let's forget the bazaar. They haven't even asked us to donate this year anyway.
Morticia Frump Addams: Yes, and I can't understand that. Our old insurance man, Mr. Henson, is in charge this year, and he's been to our home. He knows what lovely things we have.
Gomez Addams: Behaved very strangely the last time he was here. Perhaps he's one of those people with no taste.
Morticia Frump Addams: Last year they auctioned off my stuffed vulture for thirty-five cents.
Gomez Addams: Your live one would've gotten much more.

Gomez Addams: Pugsley! Pugsley! Thank Heaven you were indigestible!

Gomez Addams: Have you seen the clock I'm giving you folks?
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: Does it explode?
Gomez Addams: Certainly not. I wouldn't tamper with a valuable old timepiece like that. Come here. How 'bout that?
Mayor Arthur J. Henson: How 'bout THAT? Well, it looks like... th-the rear end of a moose?
Gomez Addams: You have a very discerning eye, Henson.

Gomez Addams: The lad should learn that, if you give till it hurts, it's fun.

Morticia Frump Addams: [to Gomez, as Pugsley hides up the chimney] Darling, this may be a traumatic experience for him. Perhaps we'd better try and get the clock back.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. Some of the finest men in the Addams family have been shaped by childhood traumas.

"The Addams Family: Ophelia's Career (#2.30)" (1966)
Ophelia Frump: Oh, dear brother-in-law, you behold the most miserable of women.
Gomez Addams: Well, you are that, but what happened?

Uncle Fester Frump: [to Ophelia] What happened?
Gomez Addams: Throckmorton didn't like being judoed.
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Ophelia] You sure do have a weakness for weirdos.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, perhaps Ophelia should devote herself to art.
[the wildcat clock roars the hour]
Gomez Addams: You may be right. Science doesn't seem to be it. Here it is three o'clock, Ophelia's been up there mixing chemicals for two hours, and nothing.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, we must be patient with these new scientists. After all, dear, she hasn't the faintest idea of what she's doing.

Gomez Addams: Ophelia, we found your career! You could be an opera singer!
Ophelia Frump: Me, an opera singer?
Gomez Addams: Oh, you'll have to put on a little weight...
Ophelia Frump: Oh, I will, I will.

Gomez Addams: ...artists are always ready to sacrifice for art - if the price is right.

Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, the mail's in. Ah, thank you, Thing. Gomez, darling, it's from the Canary Islands.
Gomez Addams: Strange, we don't know any canaries.

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Dilemma (#2.14)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: But I'm already married to Morticia!
Don Xavier: You are already married to your sister?
Gomez Addams: Sister?
Don Xavier: Si!
Morticia Frump Addams: Who?
Don Xavier: He!
Gomez Addams: Me?
Morticia Frump Addams: I am not his sister! We're husband and wife!
Don Xavier: Husband and wife? You make insult!
Morticia Frump Addams: Who?
Don Xavier: He!
Gomez Addams: Me?
Don Xavier: Si!
Grandmama Addams: Gee!

Morticia Frump Addams: [with whip in hand] Oh, darling, are you sure I'm ready for this?
Gomez Addams: [sitting in profile, waiting] Querida, I've taught you all my mastery of the bullwhip. Surely flicking the ash off a cigar should be child's play.

[Grandmama and Morticia overhear Gomez talking about having girls all over Spain but miss the early part about them being no more than office employees]
Gomez Addams: And then there's my girl in Barcelona, and of course my girl in Toledo, and then I have two girls in Soria, and then there's good old Sadie in Lisbon.
Grandmama Addams: Do you hear what I hear?
Morticia Frump Addams: Shhh. I'm counting.
Don Xavier: But with so many girls, can you not get rid of a few?
Gomez Addams: I'd be lost without them.
Grandmama Addams: [looking to Morticia] The wife is always the last to know.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, do you know what the penalty is for bigamy?
Gomez Addams: Of course - two wives.

Senior Cardona: She play, I stay. She no play, I no stay.
Morticia Frump Addams: She play. You stay.
Gomez Addams: Okay?
Senior Cardona: Olé!

[Gomez and Morticia happily pay for Consuella's dowery]
Don Xavier: Senior Addams, you are true Bluebeard.
Morticia Frump Addams: Blue-"blood."
Don Xavier: Who?
Morticia Frump Addams: He.
Gomez Addams: Me?
Don Xavier: Oh, si!

"The Addams Family: Addams Cum Laude (#2.25)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: As Old Erasmus Addams said, "You've got to take the bull by the teeth!"

Pugsley Addams: When my octopus gave the teacher a hug, she got so flustered she rang the fire alarm.
Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Aristotle, he's such an affectionate creature.
Gomez Addams: Sometimes I worry about the way he takes up with total strangers.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, why don't you relax. You must be utterly exhausted.
Gomez Addams: The Chancellor of Adams Hall has little time for creature comforts, my dear. Remember, "Tempus Fungus."
Morticia Frump Addams: "Fugits."
Gomez Addams: That, too.

Gomez Addams: Ah, Cousin Itt! And how is our Professor of Speech Therapy?

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, how touching, darling. You wanted to buy me Harvard for my birthday.
Gomez Addams: Well, come to think of it, it is rather a silly gift for a beautiful woman. I SHOULD get you Vasser.

"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt's Problem (#2.6)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Without his hair, what is he?
Uncle Fester Frump: Nothing.
Gomez Addams: Absolutely nothing.

[Cousin Itt checks out his new hair in the mirror]
Gomez Addams: [responding to Cousin Itt's comment] By George, you DO look like a haystack!

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, would you make the cocktails? You do them so well.
Gomez Addams: It's that extra sprig of henbane.

Morticia Frump Addams: [having served tea] It's my husband's pieces de resistance - Creme de la Toadstool.
Gomez Addams: [from elsewhere in the house] QUERIDA!
Gomez Addams: [slides down Fester's firemen's pole and rushes to Morticia's arm] Tish! You spoke French!

Gomez Addams: Whoever heard of a bald dog?

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Matchmaker (#1.12)" (1964)
Melancholia: [explaining the reason for her surprise visit] It's Fred, my intended.
Morticia Frump Addams: He jilted you.
Melancholia: Well, I can't really say. He just took back his ring, sold his farm and joined the Foreign Legion.
Gomez Addams: That IS kind of indefinite.

Morticia Frump Addams: Lurch, we have a lovely girl for you, sweet, soft and soulful.
Gomez Addams: I thought you wanted him for Melancholia.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, I'm TALKING abut Melancholia.

Gomez Addams: Lurch, a drink for our friend.
Charles P. Harvey: Oh, thank you. I'm not thirsty.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. It's something special. The Vat, '68.

Morticia Frump Addams: Mama is cooking up a real surprise.
Gomez Addams: I am so hungry I could eat a wolf.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, you guessed it!

Morticia Frump Addams: Don't they make a handsome couple?
Gomez Addams: He's a man; she's a woman: perfect match.

"The Addams Family: Dead and Breakfast (#1.2)" (1992)
[Wednesday and Pugsley hurl axes at their father]
Gomez Addams: You missed. A little lower next time!

[Gomez and Morticia are trapped in iron cages]
Gomez Addams: And we thought these cages were belated anniversary gifts...

Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, are you thinking what I am?
Gomez Addams: How could I forget, Tish? Dangerous criminals, a desperate scuffle, trapped hopelessly in hanging cages - QUERIDA!
Morticia Addams: It was the most romantic night, our twenty-second date...

Uncle Fester: Did someone mention family dance? Might I recommend the South Idaho Tongue Pull?
Gomez Addams: On a Friday?
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Hey, how about the Face Slide?
[the family cheers]

[last lines]
Gomez Addams: [dancing] Fester, that was a long one!

"The Addams Family: The New Neighbors Meet the Addams Family (#1.9)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: [joining Gomez at the window] Well, what do they look like?
Gomez Addams: Oh, just ordinary moving men. One's tall; one's medium.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, darling, I mean the new neighbors.
Gomez Addams: Oh. I haven't seen THEM yet.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, we've been very selfish. After all, they're newlyweds. I should've been over there a long time ago with a pot of henbane soup, some of my dwarf's hair cobbler, and marital advice.
Gomez Addams: Let's go over right now.
Morticia Frump Addams: No, darling, I have a better idea. Let's invite them over tonight for a game of bridge.
Gomez Addams: You think they'll want to play bridge on their wedding night?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh course. It'll relax them.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, I DO hope the new neighbors will like the house. Do you think they will?
Gomez Addams: How can they help it?
Morticia Frump Addams: It IS nice and dismal, isn't it?
Gomez Addams: Don't be modest, my dear - it's absolutely bleak.

Gomez Addams: In the Amazon, no wedding ceremony is complete without the traditional shower of lizards' teeth.

Hubert Peterson: Don't misunderstand, Mr. Addams. We like our house very much...
Gomez Addams: Then why do you want to move out? The rent too high?
Hubert Peterson: Oh, no... no.
Gomez Addams: Be glad to lower it. What would you like to pay?

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Breadwinner (#1.26)" (1965)
Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: But, Mr. Addams, what do you want with a broken down railroad like Big Swamp & Southern. You'll never make any money with it.
Gomez Addams: MAKE money? I've GOT money. What I'm looking for is excitement, adventure.

Gomez Addams: I haven't seen so much activity since the night I hid the hornets in Aunt Phobia's sleeping bag.

[Gomez explains why he's looking into buying a yacht]
Gomez Addams: Well, I think we could use a change of scenery. The Dead Sea, perhaps. Some FUN place.

Gomez Addams: Whadda you mean you can't find any more stock, Blooker? I need only another hundred shares to control the whole railroad.
Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: Mr. Addams, there isn't another single share for sale. I've got men looking all over the country.
Gomez Addams: Well, have them look in the city, too.

Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: I'll kill myself.
Gomez Addams: Good thinking. Blooker, if you DO get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump stake in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?
Mr. Blooker, Stockbroker: I'll kill myself.
Gomez Addams: Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Politician (#1.4)" (1964)
George Bass: [looking at the Addams mansion] Is all this yours?
Gomez Addams: Well, we go back to the cemetery.
George Bass: Ah-ha-ha. We ALL do, sometime.
[smiles keenly]

Gomez Addams: THAT Sam L. Hilliard. Why, he's an old friend! I hope the L stands for Lucifer.
George Bass: Uh... it does! It does!

Gomez Addams: That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, of course.
Gomez Addams: The L stands for Lucifer.
Morticia Frump Addams: Very appropriate for a politician.

Gomez Addams: We want to get our butler, Lurch, on television.
Morticia Frump Addams: We feel he'll appeal to the women's vote.
Gomez Addams: Camera moves in. It's a close up of Lurch.
Gomez Addams: Lurch expresses himself on the candidacy of Sam L. Hilliard.
Lurch: Ughghghghgh ughghghghghghghgh.
Gomez Addams: Animal magnetism, you can't top that.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez is responsible for putting more criminals behind bars that any other man in the United States.
Sam L. Hilliard: You, a prosecuting attorney?
Gomez Addams: Attorney for the defense.

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Decorator (#2.23)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Morticia, you have impeccable taste.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, of course. I married YOU, didn't I?

[door bell rings]
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, that must be the Digbys.
Gomez Addams: I'm almost afraid to let them see the house. It might discourage them.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, they're just going to have to be realistic. After all, when we first moved in here, this house was bleak and gloomy. Not everyone can start with that advantage.

Gomez Addams: [showing off his artworks] And speaking of originals, feast your eyes on this.
Joe Digby: A Stradivarius?
Gomez Addams: If it isn't, I'm out twelve and a half dollars.

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, I've had a new inspiration for the Digby house.
Gomez Addams: Ah, those lucky devils! What is it this time?
Morticia Frump Addams: I want to bring the garden right into the living room.
Gomez Addams: Glass walls, eh?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, dirt floor.

Morticia Frump Addams: Does it strike you as odd that nobody has been inside my model home? They just glance in the door and walk on.
Gomez Addams: Ah, the house is obviously too far ahead of its time. Frank Lloyd Wright had the same problem.

"The Addams Family: Ophelia Visits Morticia (#2.24)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Let's face it. Ophelia may be your older sister, but in the school of romance I'm afraid she's just a drop-out.

Ophelia Frump: I think I'll end it all.
Gomez Addams: I'll tell Morticia there'll be one less for lunch.
Ophelia Frump: Gomez! Suicide on an empty stomach?

Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] What is the first aid treatment for snake bite?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, that's a cinch. You take the snake and wrap him in a nice warm blanket so he won't go into shock. Right?
Gomez Addams: It certainly is but that's not the answer they have here.

Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] The Peace Corps mission is to make friends. Now, what would you do if you were invited to a feast in a native village and were served such local delicacies as sautéed batwing, brisket of warthog and sweet-and-sour scorpion stew?
Uncle Fester Frump: I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Ich! Whoever heard of mixing sautéed batwings and brisket of warthog?

"The Addams Family: Pugsley's Allowance (#2.21)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Surely you don't object to the lad seeking honest employment.
Dr. Bird: Oh, no, not at all. What I object to is him coming right in in the middle of an appendectomy wielding a scalpel.
Morticia Frump Addams: I'm sure he was only trying to help.
Gomez Addams: Don't you have an apprentice program like the plumbers and carpenters?

Mr. Glenville: Your son's been pestering me for a job.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's hardly cause for violence.
Mr. Glenville: The job he wanted was vice president.
Gomez Addams: What's wrong with that?
Mr. Glenville: I'M vice president!

Gomez Addams: Pugsley, why don't you give up job-hunting and take an allowance?
Pugsley Addams: I wanna work for my money.
[Pugsley leaves]
Gomez Addams: That boy's fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Morticia Frump Addams: [referring to Pugsley and Wednesday] Ah, trust an Addams to finish the job.
Gomez Addams: "Finish" the job? They're the first Addames who've ever had one.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Splurges (#1.19)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Fester] Would you like to take the vulture for a little stroll? She seems to take to humans.
Gomez Addams: Her favorite food.

Gomez Addams: [in determining where to take a family holiday trip] I suppose Death Valley's been overrun with tourists since we discovered it.

Uncle Fester Frump: Hm! There must be SOME way to pick up that kind of money.
Gomez Addams: I've got it! We'll invent something that costs a dime to make, sells for a dollar and is habit-forming.

Gomez Addams: Here we are, Mr. Hulen, two thousand dollars. Not only cold cash but a little moldy, too.

"The Addams Family: Cat Addams (#2.26)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: A picture in domestic tranquility: hemlock on the hearth and my lovely wife feeding the piranha.

Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, why don't I cable the white hunter and tell him to expect us?
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, my dear. Tell him: accommodations for seven people, one lion, one alligator, one octopus and one spider. Better forget the spider. I like to travel light.

[Gomez concludes his call to Dr. Mbogo]
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Refuses to come out and see Kitty-Cat.
Morticia Frump Addams: Refuses to see him?
Gomez Addams: Seems his father ate his father.

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope you can help Kitty-Cat.
Gomez Addams: We couldn't even tempt him with broiled elephant hooves.
Dr. Marvin P. Gunderson: Your cat likes broiled elephant hooves?
Morticia Frump Addams: Doesn't everyone?

"The Addams Family: Feud in the Addams Family (#2.11)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Abigail's always fancied herself as the head of the Addams family. Besides, she thinks I'm some kind of a nut.
Morticia Frump Addams: You? Impossible!
Gomez Addams: Even tried to prove it in court once before.
Uncle Fester Frump: Good thing the judge fell asleep.

Uncle Fester Frump: Hold it! Abigail's probably got spies all over the place. We'd better look around. Can't be too careful. The walls have ears.
Gomez Addams: Interesting thought.

Pugsley Addams: Yesterday she got so upset for him while waiting for his call that she let the trains run for twenty minutes without one crash.
Morticia Frump Addams: Wednesday, you didn't.
Gomez Addams: Shocking waste of electricity. We could've recharged Uncle Fester TEN TIMES with all that power.
Wednesday Addams: I'm sorry, Father, but you don't measure love with dollars.
Pugsley Addams: That's a woman for ya.

Gomez Addams: Fester, these are Robespierre's parents.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, hi! Who's Robespierre?
Gomez Addams: He's the little tyke Wednesday's set her cap for.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh. When's the wedding?

"The Addams Family: Fester's Punctured Romance (#1.3)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: Thank you, Thing. If it weren't for you, this place would be a madhouse.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, Gomez, the most touching thing has happened.
Gomez Addams: [romantically] Your carnivorous plant put his tentacle around you again. Tish, I think you've been feeding them altogether too much hamburger.

Gomez Addams: Morticia, I must tell you: Uncle Fester is not himself.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, is that bad?
Gomez Addams: [thinking] Maybe not.

Uncle Fester Frump: [ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?
Morticia Frump Addams: I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?
Gomez Addams: The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester, Tycoon (#2.16)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Now, if you'll observe, my dear, croquet is a combination of two things - balance, timing, peripheral vision, superb coordination and a killer's instinct.

Uncle Fester Frump: Gomez, uh, can you see your way clear to advance me a nickel for a postage stamp?
Gomez Addams: No, but I can give you a check.

Uncle Fester Frump: [explaining why there's a light bulb in his mouth] Oh, the children persuaded me to light up and ride my cycle around, just for old time's sake.
Morticia Frump Addams: We love to watch him ride his motorcycle in the house.
Gomez Addams: And wrestle the alligator.
Thaddeus Logan: Wrestle... the alligator? A LIVE alligator?
Gomez Addams: Not very sporting wrestling a dead one.

"The Addams Family: Lurch's Grand Romance (#2.29)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: Tish, you spoke French.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, darling, please. There's a time and place for everything.
Gomez Addams: How 'bout here and now?

[the family decides to make over Lurch]
Uncle Fester Frump: And after a couple hours with me, why he'll know all there is to know about women.
Gomez Addams: Whadda YOU know about women, Fester?
Uncle Fester Frump: [a little affronted] Well, I had a MOTHER, didn't I?

Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, this thing with Trivia has gone far enough.
Gomez Addams: You're absolutely right. Heh, jilting me for Fester.

"The Addams Family: Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family (#1.17)" (1965)
[Using a crossbow, Gomez and Morticia are shooting at apples tossed mid-air by Thing]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurches head?
Gomez Addams: Much safer and, uh, less expensive. These poor steel-tipped arrows haven't a chance against Lurch's head.

[the family is brainstorming over how to deal with the impending visit from Lurch's mother]
Uncle Fester Frump: I say let's mine the front porch. I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell. That always discourages those magazine salesmen.
Gomez Addams: Not bad, Fester, but why not just, uh, wire the doorbell with a few thousand volts. No need to damage the porch.

Gomez Addams: You rang?
Mother Lurch: I don't trust you Gomez, you've got shifty eyes! And no good butler wears a mustache!
Gomez Addams: Sorry madam, I was born with it.
Mother Lurch: Where have you been off to, some dark corner with that hussy of a maid?
Gomez Addams: [to Lurch] Sir, I appeal to you!
Mother Lurch: You don't appeal to him and you don't appeal to me! My son is just too sweet and gentle. People take advantage of him. You're sloppy and inefficient!
Gomez Addams: Sir, please tell her...
Lurch: You're sloppy and inefficient!

"The Addams Family: Happy Birthday, Grandma Frump (#2.22)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [having been left out of this year's annual charity bizarre] What reason could they possibly have for not letting us know. We've always donated more than our share.
Gomez Addams: Who else would give them a beautiful stuffed python crushing a water buffalo.
Morticia Frump Addams: Or the chopping block of Ivan the Terrible with original nicks still in it.
Gomez Addams: I even threw in the headman's ax that made those nicks.
Morticia Frump Addams: You didn't!
Gomez Addams: Well, I got carried away.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, you're generous to a fault.
Gomez Addams: That's true. Did you see some of the junk the other people gave?
Morticia Frump Addams: Certainly takes no imagination to donate an original Van Gogh.
Gomez Addams: Right. Now, if someone donated his ear...

Granny Hester Frump: Lemme look at you. You look worst of all.
Gomez Addams: It's this light.
Granny Hester Frump: Nothing wrong with the light.
Gomez Addams: That's the trouble.

Gomez Addams: What's the matter with her?
Morticia Frump Addams: I was just going to ask YOU that.
Gomez Addams: Glad I asked first.

Halloween with the New Addams Family (1977) (TV)
Gomez Addams: To be, or not to be? NOT to be... THAT is the ANSWER!

First Cop: Sorry folks, but the neighbors complained about the noise.
Morticia Addams: But this is a holiday, and a very special holiday for the Addams family, everyone here is a relative.
Uncle Fester: [brings in the crooks] I'm sorry you're mistaken, Morticia, these two aren't.
First Cop: Well... Bones Lafferty, and Louie the Lard?
Gomez Addams: You must be mistaken officer, these people are family.
[Fester shakes his head]
Boss Crook: No, we - we just said that... we're not members of this family. They've got a lion, a lion! In the basement, and a lady flew out the window!
Little Bo Peep: That was no lady, it was a pterodactyl.

Gomez Addams: [opening a present] An umbrella, Tish you know me like a book.
Morticia Addams: I was afraid the weather would be terrible. You know how horrid sunshine is, I shall pray for clouds.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meet the VIPs (#1.11)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: Beautiful wreck, isn't it?

Gomez Addams: Tish, when you speak French you drive me wild.

Morticia Frump Addams: [regarding the Russian dignitaries] Mr. Harris says he's glad their gone. He said he overheard them talking about taking Lurch with them for "scientific purposes."
Gomez Addams: Ha-ha - "Scientific purposes:" The things people will do to get a good servant.
Morticia Frump Addams: Most ungracious.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Policy (#2.28)" (1966)
Morticia Frump Addams: [as Fester aims to light Gomez's cigar with a flame-thrower] Uncle Fester, you have nerves of steel.
Gomez Addams: Now if only his hands would stop shaking.

Mr. Joe Digby: [looking at a pile of ashes] I don't want to quibble but how do I know that was a bear?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, let's use simple logic. Does it look like an antelope?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A zebra?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A giraffe?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: An elephant?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A tiger?
[much later]
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A camel?
Mr. Joe Digby: No.
Morticia Frump Addams: A gorilla?
Mr. Joe Digby: Well, uh... No! No!
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, then it must be a bear.
Gomez Addams: Querida, with your incisive mind you should be on the supreme court.
Morticia Frump Addams: [considering it] I do love those black robes.

Gomez Addams: We don't want money. What we want is another bear.
Morticia Frump Addams: What else could possibly go with our decor?
Mr. Joe Digby: The bear may be a little hard to come by. How about a lion?
Morticia Frump Addams: We already have one.
Mr. Joe Digby: Stuffed?
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, he is after he's had his dinner.

"The Addams Family: Wednesday Leaves Home (#1.10)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: She's been shooting off all of my dynamite caps.
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Wednesday] Darling, you have dynamite caps of your own.
Wednesday Addams: But they're not any fun. They just go "poop."
Gomez Addams: At your age, a little "poop" ought to be enough.

Gomez Addams: Well, I guess Wednesday's really gone.
Morticia Frump Addams: Someday, when she's slaving away in a tuna cannery, she may remember the life of ease she had in this lovely home.
Gomez Addams: Raggéd, penniless, her little fingers bleeding from the tuna cans, she may return and say she's sorry.
Morticia Frump Addams: And when that happens, we'll take her back - if we have room.
Wednesday Addams: [hiding and listening] If they have room?
Gomez Addams: Come, my dear, let's go down and remove her pictures from the family album.

"The Addams Family: The Winning of Morticia Addams (#1.34)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Cocktails, Lurch. Use the GOOD hemlock.

Uncle Fester Frump: I dreamed that you killed Chalon and the police came and took you away. And, Gomez - you're my favorite nephew - I just couldn't bear it. Please, you gotta call off that duel.
Gomez Addams: Don't be absurd. If the police come, I'll face them - with shoulders back, head high - and say, "It was an accident."

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Cat Burglar (#2.12)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Sex and crime, America's favorite breakfast time.

Gomez Addams: Speaking of tracks, I had the most fascinating dream last night. I dreamt I was walking along a dark street and I stepped into a mud puddle with my new shoes.
Morticia Frump Addams: The ones you got for our wedding?
Gomez Addams: The very ones.
[Gomez holds out his foot to show his shoes and they're caked in dried mud]
Gomez Addams: Now that's what I call a realistic dream.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets the Undercover Man (#1.16)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: I'm going to have to have to make a citizens arrest.
Morticia Frump Addams: Wait a minute, darling. What if he isn't a citizen?
Mr. Hollister: Oh, now look here! Of COURSE I'm a citizen.
Gomez Addams: Good! Then it's legal.

Morticia Frump Addams: Dear Mr. Hollister... We should send him something. I have it! Some of Mama's candied porcupine.
Gomez Addams: Ah, the simple things are the best.

"The Addams Family: Halloween with the Addams Family (#1.7)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: [beginning the traditional holiday poem] Twas Halloween evening, and through the abode Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad. Jack-o-lanterns are hung on the gallows with care...
Morticia Frump Addams: ...To guide Sister Witch as she flies through the air.
Gomez Addams: Drawn by eight beautiful bats. And she calls out to them...
Morticia Frump Addams: Come Flitter, come Flutter, come Flapper and Flier...
Uncle Fester Frump: ...Come Chitter, come Chatter, come Vicious Vampire.

Gomez Addams: Care to join us?
Policeman: Ah, no thanks. We're on a manhunt.
Gomez Addams: Nice night for it.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik (#1.15)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Your mother's painting the gravedigger's scene from Hamlet. "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio..." That's one of the most hilarious things old Shakespeare ever wrote. He always tickled me so.

Gomez Addams: No one but no one can capture the wistful expression of a hyena like you, dear.

"The Addams Family: Art and the Addams Family (#1.14)" (1964)
Morticia Frump Addams: The mail's in.
Gomez Addams: [kissing her arm, not wanting to stop] We got all we need.

"The Addams Family: A Girl and a Ghoul/A Little Bit of Pugsley/Ask Granny (#2.8)" (1993)
Gomez Addams: [jumping into a pool filled with predators] First one to be eaten alive wins!

"The New Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#1.16)" (1998)
[Gomez takes Morticia's hands as they look at each other affectionately]
Gomez Addams: I'd climb the highest mountain. I'd swim the deepest ocean.
[glances back at Vlad]
Gomez Addams: I'd go shopping in a mall!
[Vlad is appalled, Morticia is flattered]
Gomez Addams: For Morticia.

"The Addams Family: Christmas with the Addams Family (#2.15)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [after Morticia finishes her Christmas song] Tish, you sing like a robin.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez!
Gomez Addams: Sorry, I meant like a raven.

"The New Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Toupee (#1.17)" (1998)
[discussing how Gomez and Morticia have such a happy relationship]
Uncle Fester: How do you and Morticia do it?
Gomez Addams: Never go to bed angry... or on fire.

"The Addams Family: Camp Addams/Little Doll Lost/King of the Polycotton Blues (#2.7)" (1993)
Mrs. Normanmeyer: [to a bedraggled Gomez] Ewww! You look like something the cat dragged in!
Gomez Addams: Why, Normanmeyer, how did you know we spent the night in the lion pit?
Morticia Addams: He must have been kept awake by the snarls, growls and screams he heard...
Gomez Addams: Sorry, old boy, but Mrs. Addams brings out the beast in me!

"The New Addams Family: Morticia, the Sculptress (#1.35)" (1999)
Morticia Addams: It's so lovely that our status is finally back to quo.
Gomez Addams: Tish, was that French?
Morticia Addams: No. But I won't tell if you don't.

"The New Addams Family: Gomez, the Reluctant Lover (#1.7)" (1998)
Morticia Addams: Gomez, I'm leaving this house and I'm taking the children with me!
Gomez Addams: Take the children! Take the neighbor's children! Take Mama!
Morticia Addams: [frowning slightly] She's your Mama.
Gomez Addams: Fine, we'll share custody. But I get Lurch.

"The Addams Family: Addams Family PTA (#1.12)" (1992)
[a depressed Morticia is painting]
Gomez Addams: Tish, that picture, it's so... happy!
[Concerned, he examines Morticia]
Gomez Addams: Are you all right?

"The Addams Family: Sweetheart of a Brother (#2.4)" (1993)
Morticia Addams: [about Pugsley's love] Darling, she's so pleasant...
Gomez Addams: Well, they say love is blind.

Addams Family Reunion (1998) (TV)
Gomez Addams: [leafing through the mail and reading off the sender's names on the "junk mail"] Let's see here... Publisher's Killing House... Tombs "R" Us... Hearse and Driver...

"The New Addams Family: Deadbeat Relatives (#1.2)" (1998)
[Gomez takes Morticia's hands as they look at each other affectionately]
Gomez Addams: I'd climb the highest mountain. I'd swim the deepest ocean.
[glances back at Cousin Vlad]
Gomez Addams: I'd go shopping in a mall!
[Vlad is appalled, Morticia is flattered]
Gomez Addams: For Morticia.

"The New Addams Family: Morticia's Dilemma (#1.18)" (1998)
Morticia Addams: Cabellero mio.
Gomez Addams: Tish, that's... Spanish. Oh, well just as good.

"The Addams Family: Morticia and the Psychiatrist (#1.2)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: Who'd ever thought WE'D have a problem child.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Goes to School (#1.1)" (1964)
Sam L. Hilliard: Don't you want your kids to learn to read?
Gomez Addams: What is there for a six year old to read?
Sam L. Hilliard: Someday she'll be twenty-six.
Gomez Addams: See you then.