Uncle Fester
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Quotes for
Uncle Fester (Character)
from "The Addams Family" (1964)

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Addams Family Values (1993)
Debbie Jellinsky: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky: Promise?

Uncle Fester: Dementia! What a beautiful name!
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."

Debbie Jellinsky: You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.
Uncle Fester: You did?
Debbie Jellinsky: It's true.
Uncle Fester: But, I took a bath.

Debbie Jellinsky: FREEZE!
Uncle Fester: Pookie?
Debbie Jellinsky: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie Jellinsky: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester: But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie Jellinsky: AH HA HA HA!
Uncle Fester: Is that a no?

Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky: Gimme a twenty.

Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday: Physical pleasure.
Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"

Pugsley: It's a boy.
Wednesday: It's a girl.
Uncle Fester: Gomez!
Grandma: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!

Debbie Jellinsky: And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Uncle Fester: A goat?

Debbie Jellinsky: But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester: Store detectives.

Uncle Fester: [as they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows] I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my un-ending love.
Uncle Fester: I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone.
[openly sobbing]
Uncle Fester: Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.
Debbie Jellinsky: [near indifferent] Nice.
[to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister]
Debbie Jellinsky: Ditto.

Uncle Fester: It's me, Gomez! I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame... and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! You're Debbie's love toy! You are *Mr. Debbie*!
Uncle Fester: I am an Addams!
Gomez: Fester!
[they embrace]

[after Fester walks off the plane, with leis around his neck, he approaches Debbie]
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester?
Uncle Fester: Uh-huh?
Debbie Jellinsky: We may be together for a while.
Uncle Fester: All our lives, cara mia!
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Uncle Fester: Mon cher.
Debbie Jellinsky: Speak English!
Uncle Fester: Pumpkin?
Debbie Jellinsky: And if I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes.
Uncle Fester: Changes?

Uncle Fester: Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
Gomez: I despised you!
Uncle Fester: I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester: When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez: You did?
Uncle Fester: [laughs hysterically] Ah, brother!
Gomez: Brother!
[Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Uncle Fester: Children, you see?

Debbie Jellinsky: My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.
Uncle Fester: The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky: The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
Gomez: Hands!
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]

Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: It's gone?
Uncle Fester: I'm engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]

Uncle Fester: [talking to Gomez about wanting a relationship with a woman] I... I have *needs*!
Gomez: ...There's Thing!
[Thing shudders]

Uncle Fester: [Referring to Thing relieving Fester's "desires"] It's not the same thing, I want legs, a body... a head.
Gomez: TWO legs?

Uncle Fester: [about Debbie] She makes me think of... volatile chemicals.
Gomez: Truly Fester, has it finally happened at long last?
Uncle Fester: I don't know! I think so!

Uncle Fester: I'm making such a mess of things. Gomez! How do you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be... suave?
Gomez: Woo her. Admire her. Make her feel like she's the most sublime creature on Earth.

Gomez: Perfection achieved. We are the luckiest brothers on Earth. We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such radiance.
Uncle Fester: Uh... that's right! We should have... ugly girls!

"The Addams Family: F.T.V. (#1.9)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: Wanna relive our safari days and shrink my head?
Gomez Addams: Always, brother! But I promised my pet I'd read her the next two chapters of Uncle Spore's "Fungi of the World."
Morticia Addams: Ah, the way Gomez reads each page it's as if Uncle Spore was with us in the room.
Gomez Addams: Well, he was, until Lurch hosed down the underside of the bed...

Uncle Fester: Enjoy my time alone... enjoy my time alone...
Morticia Addams: [behind a closed door] Oh Gomez...

[In the Normanmeyer's bedroom... ]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [waking from a nightmare] I'll have those mediums to you by Tuesday! Huh?... Fester!
Mrs. Normanmeyer: Eek!
Mr. Normanmeyer: How did you get in here?
Uncle Fester: Oh, through the hole in the middle of your living room floor!
Mrs. Normanmeyer: But we don't have a hole in our floor!
Uncle Fester: [holding a shovel] You do now!

Uncle Fester: Well, actually, Norm old pal, I came over for a little advice.
Mr. Normanmeyer: How about DROP DEAD?
Uncle Fester: [sighs] I wish it were that easy...

Uncle Fester: Morticia says I need to learn how to enjoy my time alone and...
[looks at a bandage on Normanmeyer's arm]
Uncle Fester: What are you going to do with that bandage when you're done with it?
Mr. Normanmeyer: GET AWAY!

Mr. Normanmeyer: Why don't you read a book or watch TV, by yourself? On another continent, FOREVER!
Uncle Fester: TV? Yeah! Now you're cooking with gas! Oh, thanks, pal-o-rama! Wow! TV! I knew I could count on you when I'm down! This is just great...

Uncle Fester: [strapped in an electric chair, nursing a black eye] Oh, that Norm, what a rough-and-tumble kind of guy! Have to love him...

Uncle Fester: [channel surfing] What's with this city? They don't even have a decent TV show! Why, I could do a better job!... Yeah.

Wednesday Addams: Dear Uncle, what mischief have you devised this morning?
Uncle Fester: Behold, my own satellite TV station!
Gomez Addams: YES!

Mr. Normanmeyer: Wait a minute, a hopeless pinhead like you run a TV station?
Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Why, never in my whole life have I heard of anything more ridiculous, more idiotic and... and bizarre!
Uncle Fester: [tears of joy] I knew you'd approve, but WOW! Your enthusiasm overwhelms me!

Mr. Normanmeyer: [answering the phone] Normanmeyer's.
Uncle Fester: Hey, Normster, I think I've finally found my hitch TV stationers!
Mr. Normanmeyer: Wrong number!
[hangs up. the phone rings]
Uncle Fester: But with all this new pressure, I'll be needing your advice more than ever! We'll be talking all the time! Won't that be great?
Mr. Normanmeyer: NO!
[hangs up. the phone rings]
Mr. Normanmeyer: WHAT?
Uncle Fester: I was wondering... should my meteorologist be one of those scientific types, or one of those wacky obnoxious ones?
Mr. Normanmeyer: [dialing his phone] I got to go, Fester, I got another call! Hello?
Uncle Fester: Sorry to interrupt me, but I have another question...
Mr. Normanmeyer: AARRGHH! Tell him I'm not here!
[throws the phone into his wife's hands and runs, smack into Fester]
Uncle Fester: I know how you feel, sometimes I'm not where I am either...

Mr. Normanmeyer: How would you like it if I took over your station?
Uncle Fester: You, president of FTV? Oh, pinch me, I must be dreaming!
Mr. Normanmeyer: It's no dream, Fester! I'm dead serious!
Uncle Fester: Pinch me anyway, please.

Mr. Normanmeyer: [points out the window] Say, isn't that a six-car pile-up?
Pugsley Addams: Cool!
[the Addamses rush over to the window to check it out]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [deactivating the satellite] Come on, baby, come on down...
[the Addams return from the window depressed]
Wednesday Addams: Darn the luck!
Uncle Fester: Oh, buck it!
Gomez Addams: Just another Johnson barbecue...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, I guess my eyes aren't what they used to be...

[Thanks to Normanmeyer, the city is in a mass panic]
Uncle Fester: WOW!
Gomez Addams: About ten seconds on the job, and the man's already making his mark!

[the F.T.V. satellite is going to crash into town]
Pugsley Addams: [running outside] I want to be first!
Wednesday Addams: [following Pugsley] No, ME!
Uncle Fester: Way to go, Normster!

Uncle Fester: [picking a beetle off the Mayor's shoe] Can I have this?
Mr. Normanmeyer: FESTER! Ewww!

Uncle Fester: [receiving money] Thanks! It all goes into my Norm fund, you know!
Morticia Addams: Only four more months, and you'll have enough to build that nice Mr. Normanmeyer a new home!
Gomez Addams: Wait until he sees the underwater bowling alley!

Uncle Fester: Hiya, Norm! Looking good!
[Normanmeyer screams]

[last lines]
Mr. Normanmeyer: Good night, puff cake.
Mrs. Normanmeyer: Good night, beef chop.
Uncle Fester: Nighty-night, buckwheat!
Mr. Normanmeyer: SHUT UP!
Uncle Fester: Oh, have to love him...

"The Addams Family: Itt's Over (#1.10)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: They won't let you chew on the bars, they won't let you stick your tongue in the keyhole... this really is prison!

Uncle Fester: [a train on his head] Am I too late to obliterate mine?
Wednesday Addams: Of course not, Uncle Fester!
[Fester blows up the train]
Uncle Fester: Do I know how to blow up a train or what?

Morticia Addams: [gasps] Uncle Fester, what's that on your head?
Uncle Fester: Oh, I was just standing under the powerlines waving at the vultures!
Morticia Addams: No, it looks like hair!
Uncle Fester: Hair? Hyah! You're kidding me, Morticia! I don't have any... any...
[looks in a mirror]
Uncle Fester: Hair? EWWW! Get it off! GET IT OFF!

Uncle Fester: Hey, Norm! This plunger's not working. Can I borrow your weed- whacker?
Mr. Normanmeyer: How'd you get in here?
Uncle Fester: Oh, I came up through the pipes in the bathroom!
Mrs. Normanmeyer: EEWWW!
Uncle Fester: I know. It's this hideous hair. The only thing you used to see on my head were insects!
N.J. Normanmeyer: And I bet he wants your help, Dad!
Uncle Fester: That's right! My favourite moving companion, you're always there when I need you, like when I was depressed and you went out of your way to push me off that cliff...
[Normanmeyer kicks Fester out of his house]
Uncle Fester: Nice try, Norm, but it's still here!

Morticia Addams: I hope you're successful, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester: [tying his hair to the car] Don't worry, Morticia. Remember how well it worked when I grew that blue arm?
Gomez Addams: Besides, just think how much fun Lurch will have dragging Fester around the neighborhood, you lucky dog!

Uncle Fester: Oh, Cousin Itt, I know I've troubled you many times for the honour of gnawing the birds out of your coiffe...
Gomez Addams: [excited] FESTER! That's French!
Uncle Fester: GET AWAY FROM ME! Go talk to your wife!
Gomez Addams: Oh, right...

Uncle Fester: I tried Velcro, fish scales, and hiring that longshoreman with the peg leg, but NOTHING WORKS!

Uncle Fester: Oh, Lurch, what am I going to do? I miss Cousin Itt already. And I remember how his dandruff came in so handy for those ski jumps down in the basement...

Mr. Normanmeyer: [to Fester, in prison] What? You mean... you like it?
Uncle Fester: I love it! I made these great new friends! And they even let me plait my hair in the license plate machine, too!
Gomez Addams: Aha! A childhood dream come true!
Uncle Fester: That's right! And I owe it all to my pal, NORM!
[hugs Normanmeyer through the bar, who starts banging the bars in frustration and despair]
Mr. Normanmeyer: No! No! No! No! No!

Uncle Fester: Oh, Cousin Itt, even if it means I have to leave the Shangri-La, I'm a smiling fool just because you're back!
[Itt jabbers]
Uncle Fester: What? You can have me thrown in jail whenever I want and I don't even have to commit a crime? Gee, thanks!
Gomez Addams: Just one of the benefits of having a government man in the family!

Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester, your hair...!
Uncle Fester: Oh, no! Is it back?
Morticia Addams: No, dear, it's all gone!
Uncle Fester: Oh... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!
Gomez Addams: That must be a load off your mind.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!

Grandmama Addams: [peering into her crystal ball] I see MORE baldness!
Uncle Fester: Mine?
Grandmama Addams: No, Lurch!
[Lurch moans]

Uncle Fester: [singing] Oh, Iron Maiden, won't you close on me...?

Uncle Fester: Cousin Itt, I throw myself on the mercy of your split ends! Tell me how to get rid of this hair.
[Itt jabbers]
Morticia Addams: Oh, dear, it's classified government information!
Gomez Addams: Cara mia! Another bureaucratic cover-up!
Uncle Fester: You government agents are all alike: three-foot tall balls of unyielding fur! And after all those times I licked your driveway clean!

Uncle Fester: Go away, Cousin Itt! I'm not speaking to you, and neither is Thing - well, even if he had a mouth he wouldn't speak to you!
[Itt jabbers]
Uncle Fester: What? You'll tell me the secret hair-removing formula even though it's classified? Thanks, Cuz!
[hugs Itt]
Uncle Fester: Wait a minute... you could lose many your government perks and privileges, including that 10% discount at the lumberyard! You'd do that, for me?

"The Addams Family: The Day Gomez Failed (#1.3)" (1992)
[Gomez takes Fester's advice on stock markets]
Uncle Fester: Hey, Thing, what's a stock market?

Morticia Addams: Darling, this must be really bothering you. The last time you shook Uncle Fester like that you were trying to get the termites out of his sinuses.
Gomez Addams: Tish, I just feel like there's nothing left for me to do! I've done EVERYTHING! I need a challenge!
Morticia Addams: Well, dear, I understand Uncle Fester needs his back shaved...
Uncle Fester: [appearing with a broken barbershop pole and a lawnmower] Oh, come on, Gomez, I'm getting kind of itchy!
Gomez Addams: I'm sorry, old boy, it'll have to wait. I need a NEW challenge!
Uncle Fester: Oh, darn... hey, Lurch! You got a sec?

Morticia Addams: Remember darling, you don't know anything about failing!
Gomez Addams: You're right, Tish! What I need is a role model: a loser, a dud, a washout, a flop! A worthless wretch of a human being!
Uncle Fester: Oh, Gomez, you're making me all misty-eyed! That man is ME!
Gomez Addams: Would you...?
Uncle Fester: It would be an honour, oh brother of mine!

[Gomez and Fester search for worthless stock]
Uncle Fester: [looking in the paper] Here's a good one!
Gomez Addams: Which one?
Uncle Fester: [cackling] Oh, I was talking about the obituaries in the paper! They re... they really crack me up!
Gomez Addams: [taking the paper] Please, Fester! This is no time to... they are funnier than usual!
Uncle Fester: I told you!

[Gomez crash-lands home]
Morticia Addams: Are you all right, darling?
Gomez Addams: [depressed] Want a sweater?
[holds it out]
Uncle Fester: I'll take it! I think I've got some of that chocolate left!

Uncle Fester: I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how could one man make this much money in just six hours?
Morticia Addams: Oh, darling. Maybe you're cursed!
Gomez Addams: Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up! It's hopeless!, I'm nothing more than a pathetic success of an Addams!

Uncle Fester: [brandishing a new pair of underwear] Hey, Lurch, get the dipping stick! I want you to taste something!

Uncle Fester: Come on, Gomez! Let's go frolic together in an old-fashioned family disaster!

Gomez Addams: Bulldoze our house? They can't build a freeway on this land!
Uncle Fester: How come? You know how much I like to hang from exit signs and wave at passing cars!

Morticia Addams: You know, darling, I've been thinking... maybe you HAVE failed.
Gomez Addams: Querida... Stop trying to cheer me up!
Morticia Addams: No, dear. Think about it, didn't you fail at failing?
Gomez Addams: Yes, but that's not... Eureka! You're right, Tish! I've failed at FAILING! Yes!
[runs around the house in euphoria]
Gomez Addams: Fester, do you realize what that makes me?
Uncle Fester: [who was trying to chop a rodent] Ah, a gardener?
Gomez Addams: No, brother! A bona fide, dyed-in-the-wool Addams failure!

Uncle Fester: Gee, Gomez, how wold you like to put me in a headlock and bang my head against the wall?
Gomez Addams: No. I've done that before too.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, but not lately...

The Addams Family (1991)
Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!

Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.

Gomez: [watching home movies] Remember that fateful night?
Uncle Fester: Of course... Your first cigar!
Gomez: What? Come on, Old Man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.

Uncle Fester: [being apologetic to his "mother"] It was just a party. It's over. It means nothing. The Siamese twins, the hunchback, Cousin It, they're not *you*.

Dr. Pinderschloss: [after the party in Fester's honour] Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear. Have you been having a good time?
Uncle Fester: [jubilant] Yes, I have! It was marvelous. I sang up a storm! And I danced 'till I dropped! The Mamushka!

Dr. Pinderschloss: Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]

Uncle Fester: What is this?
Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
Gomez: Oh, Tish.
Grandmama: [to Fester] Start with the eyes.

Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.
Uncle Fester, Wednesday, Pugsley: "Scabs".

[last lines]
Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yay!

[Gordon, Craven and Tully keep trying to open the Addams Family Vault. For the umpteenth time, the house's booby traps dump them outside the house]
Abigail Craven: You are doing this on purpose!
Uncle Fester: [sarcastic] That's right, Mother, isn't this fun!
Tully Alfford: I'll race you back.

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#2.3)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, Gomez and I are madly in love.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, then, why don't you two get hitched?
Morticia Frump Addams: Ophelia's my sister. I couldn't betray her. Besides, it would break her heart.
Uncle Fester Frump: [understandingly] It's bad for the digestion.

Uncle Fester Frump: Who's the little guy talking to the servant?
Gomez Addams: That's my Cousin Itt. He's the family intellectual - the long-hair of the family!
Uncle Fester Frump: He looks it. Is he married?
Gomez Addams: Free as a tumbleweed!
Uncle Fester Frump: He looks that, too. He'd be a perfect groom for Ophelia. He'd never see what he's gettin' into.

Ophelia Frump: Uncle Fester! How sweet of you to come to my wedding.
Uncle Fester Frump: Biggest mistake since Uncle Tick married Aunt Phobia.
Ophelia Frump: But they were a perfect match.
Uncle Fester Frump: [scoffs] Heh! He had two left feet and she had two right ones. It was a mere PHYSICAL attraction.

[Uncle Fester searches for Gomez with shotgun in hand]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I thought you were our friend.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I am, but we can't have a jilted Frump. It'd be a stain on our family escutcheon - and our family escutcheon is messy enough.

Uncle Fester Frump: Well, wouldn't you rather be a strong, masterful he-man?
Gomez Addams: Too dangerous!

[Morticia suggests Gomez practice turning down Ophelia]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, you be Ophelia. You're kind, sensitive, quiet and understanding.
Uncle Fester Frump: She certainly has changed.
Morticia Frump Addams: And you're the new Gomez. You're decisive, direct and definite.
Gomez Addams: I'm afraid!
Uncle Fester Frump: That's pretty definite.
Gomez Addams: Thank you.

Gomez Addams: [rehearsing with Fester] Ophelia, I won't marry you.
Uncle Fester Frump: [as Ophelia] WHAT!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester!
Uncle Fester Frump: [grabbing his gun] I'll shoot 'im in the back!

[Another attempt is made to rehearse Gomez turning down Ophelia, this time with Morticia as Ophelia and Uncle Fester as Granny Frump]
Gomez Addams: Ophelia, I'd...
Uncle Fester Frump: All right, son. Speak up! Speak up!
Gomez Addams: Mrs. Frump, I'm afraid I can't marry your daughter.
Uncle Fester Frump: WHAT! I'll shoot 'im...!
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester...
Morticia Frump Addams: [correcting herself] Mother, please!

[Ophelia is not bothered by not marrying Gomez]
Ophelia Frump: Besides, I think I've already found my true love, my d'Artagnan, my Don Quixote, my knight in shining armor.
Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds like me - but I'm her uncle.

Minister: Do you really want to marry this man?
Morticia Frump Addams: I certainly do.
Uncle Fester Frump: But you've only known him a few days.
Morticia Frump Addams: What better way to get acquainted?

"The Addams Family: Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (#1.11)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: I tell yah, Gomez, that palooka's got eyes in the back of his head!... Or was that Cousin Fluent?
Gomez Addams: No, he had ears on his ankles!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Man did he have a hard time buying shoes...

Uncle Fester: We could always hide in my coat.
Gomez Addams: And suffer the same fate as Aunt Sticky when she climbed in?
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. I'm still having her electronically removed...

Pugsley Addams: Dad, Uncle Fester, what's the big deal about an old horn?
Gomez Addams: Only the greatest game ever played, son!
Uncle Fester: Yeah, back when we were little critters like you!
Gomez Addams: First, we blew the horn as loud as we could...
Uncle Fester: Hopefully passing out from hyperventilation...
Gomez Addams: ...then Lurch would have until midnight to find us!
Morticia Addams: And he always did.
Gomez Addams: Ah, that's right, Tish! In all those years, we never once could shake the big fella! Except that one time we tied him to the faultline...

[Gomez and Fester hide in a wardrobe]
Gomez Addams: We're off to a booming start, Fester!
[Lurch moans]
Uncle Fester: Darn!
Gomez Addams: The night's still young, old man!
[Gomez and Fester rush out]

[Gomez and Fester masquerade as an American Gothic portrait]
Lurch: [as a cow disguise] Moooooooooooo.
Gomez Addams: AHA!
Uncle Fester: YIKES!
[Gomez and Fester rush out of the portrait]

[in the middle of a desert]
Gomez Addams: [panting] Fester... the vultures are starting to circle...
Uncle Fester: Well, if you would hold still for a second, one of them would land and start pecking...!
Lurch: Leeeemmmmooonnnaaade?
Uncle Fester: Shoot!

[Fester brews up an invisibility serum]
Uncle Fester: Lurch can't find us if he can't see us...
Gomez Addams: To hiding!
[Gomez and Fester drink the serum and become invisible]
Gomez Addams: Now let's shed our clothes, and our invisibility will be complete!
[Both start to undress, and hand their clothes over to Lurch]
Gomez Addams: Thanks, Lurch...
Uncle Fester: Oh, not again!

Uncle Fester: [brings out a remote] Brother of mine, I hoped it wouldn't come to this, but we do have one last hope: my emergency hiding place! I didn't want to tell you about it, but we are two desperate hombres!
Gomez Addams: Whatever it is, brother, do it.
[Fester presses the remote, and a 1000-ton weight crushes the two]
Lurch: Miisssteerrrrr Adddaaammms? Feesssteeerrr?
[Lurch walks away. The clock strikes midnight, and Gomez and Fester pull themselves out under the weight]
Gomez Addams: [in victorious agony] We did it, after all these years! The genius that is my brother! Not only have we finally outwitted Lurch, but we've gained the extra benefit of walking funny for weeks!
Uncle Fester: Well, I try.

Gomez Addams: Well, Fester, I guess we'll never have to hide from Lurch again...
Uncle Fester: Yeah. No more humiliation, no more dragging our names through the mud...
Gomez Addams: What have we done?
[Fester starts crying and embraces his brother]
Pugsley Addams: Uh-oh! Somebody better do something...

Wednesday Addams: Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
Lurch: Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
Uncle Fester: Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my head!
Gomez Addams: You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
Lurch: Biiiinnnngoooo.
Gomez Addams: [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
Uncle Fester: [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!

"The Addams Family: The Winning of Morticia Addams (#1.34)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [reading a magazine article] This fella says that "married couples who seem ideally mated and perfectly attuned are really miserable, emotional messes underneath."
Morticia Frump Addams: [continuing to gaze lovingly into Gomez's eyes] The poor things.

Uncle Fester Frump: [spotting Gomez' spear piercing a pipe] Ah-ha! You had a fight. Congratulations!
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense, Uncle Fester. We've never been happier.
Uncle Fester Frump: [with deepest sympathies] You poor, misguided soul.

Uncle Fester Frump: How can I have soothed nerves when tragedy is about to strike someone very near and dear to us.
Grandmama Addams: The octopus?
Lurch: The moose?
Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia and Gomez.

[the president of the Zen Yogi Society phones to remind Gomez of his dues, giving Uncle Fester an idea]
Uncle Fester Frump: There aren't going to be any dues. Not this month or any month from now on. Mrs. Addams talked her husband into quittin' your phony society. She says zen yogi is a FAKE! Yeah, she put 'im wise to you, QUACK!
[Fester hangs up]
Grandmama Addams: Gomez will have a fit. He loves zen yogi.
Uncle Fester Frump: Heh, exactly! And if he doesn't give Morticia a whack or two, how else is he gonna prove his undying love?

Uncle Fester Frump: [to Dr. Chalon] Five marriages! You must really understand women.

[Gomez challenges François to a duel; François accepts]
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Gomez] This is all wrong. You were supposed to sock Morticia.

Uncle Fester Frump: [watching François limber up for the duel] He'll enjoy killing Gomez.
Morticia Frump Addams: But Gomez wouldn't enjoy it.

Uncle Fester Frump: I dreamed that you killed Chalon and the police came and took you away. And, Gomez - you're my favorite nephew - I just couldn't bear it. Please, you gotta call off that duel.
Gomez Addams: Don't be absurd. If the police come, I'll face them - with shoulders back, head high - and say, "It was an accident."

Dr. Francis Chalon: Cowards only talk bravely.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, that's true, but Gomez has other good qualities.

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Writer (#2.8)" (1965)
[Lurch lays out hot coals]
Gomez Addams: [to Fester] You said you'd go through fire for me, old man.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, but not in my bare feet.

Uncle Fester Frump: I can see it all now: Morticia Addams, the new literary sensation, traveling all over the world, drinking it up at those literary teas...
Gomez Addams: ...Making speeches, signing autographs, ha-ha, telling off the critics...
Uncle Fester Frump: We might not even see her for six months at a time.
Gomez Addams: [stunned at the thought] Six months?

Uncle Fester Frump: Somebody's got to stay at home and take care of the kids.
Gomez Addams: What about you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I can take care of myself.

Uncle Fester Frump: What's a matter, Gomez?
Gomez Addams: Fester, you've caught me on the horns of a dilemma.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, why don't you hop off of it and just tell me all about it?
Gomez Addams: I'm supposed to mail this manuscript to Morticia's publisher but I don't dare!
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's that bad, huh?
Gomez Addams: It's that good! Once he sees this I've lost her forever. There'll be noting but abject misery for both of us. And the children.
Uncle Fester Frump: Eh, so, just don't mail it.
Gomez Addams: I can't do that! She trusts me!
Uncle Fester Frump: That makes it easier.

Uncle Fester Frump: Why don't you just change it a little bit so the publisher won't like it?
Gomez Addams: Tamper with this masterpiece? Fester! That's like asking me to put a mustache on the Mona Lisa, or... or put plastic arms on Venus, or finger-paint on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, gee, it was just a suggestion.
Gomez Addams: And a great one! I'll do it!

Uncle Fester Frump: [reading Morticia's manuscript] "Out of the sweet-scented swamp, Lucifer, the kindly wolf, minced daintily."
Gomez Addams: All right, change that to: "Across a daisy-covered meadow the snarling, sniveling, slathering wolf slunk."

Gomez Addams: I can't go on.
Uncle Fester Frump: You've got to.
Gomez Addams: You convinced me.

[Mr. Boswell wants to publish Morticia's book but needs some start-up money]
Gomez Addams: Just as I thought - a bunko artist out for the money.
Uncle Fester Frump: I'll shoot 'im in the back.
Gomez Addams: I've got a better idea.
Uncle Fester Frump: In the front?

Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, Gomez, grab your motorcycle. I'll race you to the attic.

"The Addams Family: Happyester Fester (#1.1)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: Do you think Uncle Fester's all right, dear? He's been down in the basement for almost a week now.
Gomez Addams: Well, you know how these geniuses are, always working on something.
Morticia Addams: Yes. But he was so upset for not selling his last invention. And he had such a high hope for his lint wigs.
[an explosion occurs]
Uncle Fester: [appearing from a door] Oh boy! I hit the jack pot! Excuse me a minute.
[ducks back in for another explosion]
Uncle Fester: [laughing] I didn't want to miss the afterblast!

Gomez Addams: Gadzooks and goodnights! Fester has invented a new fabric! It's bulletproof, self-cleaning...
Uncle Fester: And it tastes good with dip, too!
Wednesday Addams: Congratulations, Uncle Fester!
Morticia Addams: Isn't it exciting, Fester? Your first successful invention!
Uncle Fester: I call it Happyester, after Happydale Heights, our fine city!

Gomez Addams: My brother Fester's invented a brand new fabric!
Mr. Normanmeyer: I don't want anything that jerk invents!
Uncle Fester: [close to tears] Did you hear that? He doesn't even know me that well and already he's treating me like family!

Uncle Fester: I just don't get it! I thought Norman was my friend for ever and ever, or at least until the next presidential election!

Morticia Addams: Fester, aren't you the modest one! You didn't tell us Happyester was itchy!
Uncle Fester: Oh, it's just one of those extras I threw in, you know. Just wait until you try to wash 'em. That's when the shrimp eggs kick in!

[Normanmeyer is under attack from a press conference]
Uncle Fester: Oh look at the poor guy, he's so happy he's made America itchy he can't even speak! Norman needs me. Like he was there for me, so will I be there for him!

Morticia Addams: Oh, isn't that sweet! Fester is helping that nice Mr. Normanmeyer with his questions!
Uncle Fester: [at the press conference] You see, nobody wanted Happyester, but not my pal! Uh-Uh! He was determined that every man, woman and child in America have itchy legs, shrimpy shorts and scratchy pants!

Uncle Fester: Did somebody say family dance? How about the Dry White Poke Out?
Gomez Addams: Fester, it's miles to the airport!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah, right. Then how about the Pork Butt?
[the family cheers]

"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt's Problem (#2.6)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Without his hair, what is he?
Uncle Fester Frump: Nothing.
Gomez Addams: Absolutely nothing.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, don't you worry. I'm an old hand at curing baldness.

[Uncle Fester's potion grows hair on a banana]
Uncle Fester Frump: Fester! You've done it! The first non-skid banana peel.

Uncle Fester Frump: You know, this could be the start of a whole new career for me: I can get a job at the zoo growin' hair on bald eagles.

Uncle Fester Frump: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all.
[the mirror shatters]
Uncle Fester Frump: Boy! Am I that hansom?
[the mirror cashes to the floor]
Uncle Fester Frump: Wow!

Uncle Fester Frump: [taking Mrs. Dragwater's hand] Such a delicate little hand.
Uncle Fester Frump: [kissing Mrs. Dragwater's hand] And tasty, too.

Uncle Fester Frump: I know that Emily Post says to wait one week, but how 'bout you and me steppin' out tonight? Skateboarding? Water polo? A drive-in movie that's CLOSED?
Mrs. Dragwater: Well...
Uncle Fester Frump: It's a date! I'll borrow Mama's motor scooter.

Halloween with the New Addams Family (1977) (TV)
Uncle Fester: We get the strangest people in here.

First Cop: Sorry folks, but the neighbors complained about the noise.
Morticia Addams: But this is a holiday, and a very special holiday for the Addams family, everyone here is a relative.
Uncle Fester: [brings in the crooks] I'm sorry you're mistaken, Morticia, these two aren't.
First Cop: Well... Bones Lafferty, and Louie the Lard?
Gomez Addams: You must be mistaken officer, these people are family.
[Fester shakes his head]
Boss Crook: No, we - we just said that... we're not members of this family. They've got a lion, a lion! In the basement, and a lady flew out the window!
Little Bo Peep: That was no lady, it was a pterodactyl.

Fake Gomez: [Fester has him on the rack, mistaking him for Gomez] I'm just a guest here, take off my mask and you'll see.
Uncle Fester: An imposter! That's the first mistake I ever made on the rack, if I stretched you out, I could see about having you shortened. And if your socks are stretched, I'll be very happy to knit you a new pair.

[repeated line]
Uncle Fester: Don't step on Kitty Kat's tail!

Uncle Fester: Don't step on Kitty Kat's tail.
Mikey: Do I look like the kind of guy who'd step on Kitty Kat's tail?
[leaves, Kitty Kat roars and Mikey returns terrified and his clothes torn]
Uncle Fester: You stepped on Kitty Kat's tail.

Uncle Fester: [a plant is choking Mikey] Lois! How can he holler if you keep hugging him like that?

Uncle Fester: [freeing Lafferty from the encircling leafy fronds while irritably scolding the plant] How many times has Gomez told you NOT TO PLAY WITH STRANGERS?

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester, Tycoon (#2.16)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: Gomez, uh, can you see your way clear to advance me a nickel for a postage stamp?
Gomez Addams: No, but I can give you a check.

Morticia Frump Addams: [in the guise of Diana's mother] You owe me a nickel!
Uncle Fester Frump: Ya need it all at once?

Uncle Fester Frump: All right! If that's what it takes, I'll get it! You'll see! I'll be a big success! I'll throw gold, and diamonds, right at your daughter's feet!
Morticia Frump Addams: [in the guise of Diana's mother] I warn you, she 's got... very big feet!

Lurch: Youuuuu Rannnng.
Uncle Fester Frump: No, but, Lurch, you can get the car out. I have a date with a very important oyster.

[Trying to retrieve a phone number for a business deal from memory, Fester ends up telephoning himself on his other extension]
Uncle Fester Frump: [ring] Hello.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hello! I don't like that merger deal.
Uncle Fester Frump: YOU don't like it! Who asked you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Nobody asked me. I'm tellin' YOU, smart guy!
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, so now I'm a smart guy, huh? Well, you listen...
Uncle Fester Frump: No, you listen - the deal's off.
[hangs up]
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, yeah? Well, you can say THAT again!
[hangs up]
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Lurch] You can't let these fellas push you around.
Lurch: [having seen the whole thing] Uggggggh.

Uncle Fester Frump: [explaining why there's a light bulb in his mouth] Oh, the children persuaded me to light up and ride my cycle around, just for old time's sake.
Morticia Frump Addams: We love to watch him ride his motorcycle in the house.
Gomez Addams: And wrestle the alligator.
Thaddeus Logan: Wrestle... the alligator? A LIVE alligator?
Gomez Addams: Not very sporting wrestling a dead one.

"The Addams Family: Girlfriendstein/Pugsley by the Numbers/Beware of Thing (#1.4)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: Look at me! I'm playing Tombstone Pinball!

[Lurch moans louder than usual]
Uncle Fester: What was that? Did the new cow get out of my bedroom?

[Lurch falls into a grave]
Uncle Fester: Oh, my g... Lurch! Old buddy, old pal, speak to me! Are you hurt? Any bones broken? You gonna eat that earthworm?

Uncle Fester: [a la Dr Frankenstein] It's ready! It's ready!
Pugsley Addams: What's ready, Uncle Fester?
Wednesday Addams: Lurch's new girlfriend?
Uncle Fester: Nah! My monkey-hair hoagie!

Uncle Fester: Hey, Lurch, are you a jungle kind of guy?
[Lurch moans]
Uncle Fester: Okay, we'll slip that one...

Uncle Fester: [at a remote] Hey, I forgot what his button's for... let's see...
[presses the button, he blows up]

"The Addams Family: Double O Honeymoon (#2.5)" (1993)
Morticia Addams: Where are you off to this time?
[Itt jabbers]
Gomez Addams: A vacation? Why? You've got the perfect job! Glamorous spies, dangerous missions... not to mention that band of roving lumberjacks that moved into your fur last month!
Uncle Fester: TIMBER!
[falls out of Itt's fur, tied to a log]
Uncle Fester: How dare they call themselves lumberjacks... they couldn't even cut a log without a line!
Morticia Addams: What line, Uncle Fester?
Uncle Fester: This one, right here!
[strips himself bare to reveal a line marked on his torso]

Uncle Fester: See you at the sawmill tonight! Whee!
[gets carried away by Lurch]
Morticia Addams: Dear, dear Fester! He's doing his best to follow in Uncle Elm's proud footsteps!

Uncle Fester: Komodo dragon at three o'clock!

Uncle Fester: [gets blasted by Thundermane] Oh, happy day! Oh, gee! I should have gone into the spy biz a long time ago!

Wednesday Addams: [holding a stick] Mother, Father, might I strike the gong and start a family dance?
Pugsley Addams: [tied to the gong] Yeah, let's break it down!
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, my little cremators!
Uncle Fester: [holding a diper] I got it! how about Oopsie Addams' Diper Play?
Uncle Fester: But Fester, you haven't built a picnic table in years!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah...

[last lines]
Gomez Addams: Cara mia, I would be honoured if you'd join me for the Hot Patootie Cha-Cha-Cha!
Morticia Addams: Oh, Gomez, our favourite dance!
Gomez Addams: Lurch, the music!
[the family cheers]
Uncle Fester: Do your thing Gomez!
Gomez Addams: Querida! Cara, cara mia!

"The Addams Family: My Son, the Chimp (#1.28)" (1965)
[Fester prepares a seance to restore Pugsley]
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, you may as well know, I have been in touch with the spirits.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, well, a little drink now and then never hurt anyone.
Uncle Fester Frump: The spirits of the astral plane I'm talking about.
Gomez Addams: Oh, one of those champaign flights, ay, Fester?
Uncle Fester Frump: [vexed] Very funny.

Uncle Fester Frump: [in a ghostly voice] Oh, spirits of the astral plane, give us a sign. Is Pugsley there? Rap once for yes and twice for no.
Morticia Frump Addams: And ask him if he's all right.
[From inside the secret room, Pugsley hears them]
Uncle Fester Frump: You're mother wants to know if you're all right. Rap three times for yes and four times for no. No, you better make that twice for yes and three times for no.
[Pugsley counts his fingers in trying to figure how to respond, then just gives a loud whistle]

Uncle Fester Frump: Is that you, Pugsley? Whistle once and rap twice for yes; rap once and whistle three times for no.
[Pugsley can't figure out how to respond, so he raps on the brick wall]
Uncle Fester Frump: Five rap? What does THAT mean?
Gomez Addams: That means it's definitely Pugsley. He never COULD count.

Uncle Fester Frump: Well, n-now, take it easy, Pugsley, old boy. Rap once and whistle twice for yes, and rap twice and whistle three times for no.
Pugsley Addams: [confused, he simply calls out] HELP!

[Thing engages the others in a game of charades to try telling them where he's found Pugsley]
Morticia Frump Addams: I think he's trying to tell us something.
Gomez Addams: What is it, Thing? Something we should know?
Grandmama Addams: Is it smaller than a coffin?
Morticia Frump Addams: Larger than a tsetse fly?
Gomez Addams: Is it the title of a song?
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?
Uncle Fester Frump: How many syllables?
Gomez Addams: Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.
[Thing slugs the air]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fight?
Grandmama Addams: Fighting.
Gomez Addams: Fight-ER!
Morticia Frump Addams: Pugilist.
Gomez Addams: Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

[Now Uncle Fester has disappeared. Morticia goes to the crystal ball to communicate]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, we can hear you but faintly? Can you hear us? Scream once for yes and twice for no. Better make that one scream and two raps for no and two screams and one whistle for yes.
Uncle Fester Frump: [to himself] Ah, forget it.

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Sculptress (#2.9)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Fester, have you got the hammer and chisel?
Uncle Fester Frump: Here they are, but it's only a loan. I need them for my correspondence course.
Gomez Addams: Correspondence course? At what?
Uncle Fester Frump: [as if obvious] Brain surgery!

Uncle Fester Frump: [looking at Morticia's sculpture] When're you gonna start?
Morticia Frump Addams: Gonna start? Uncle Fester, I'm almost finished.
Gomez Addams: Fester, don't be a clod. Don't you know art when you see it?
Uncle Fester Frump: I know a rock when I see it.

Uncle Fester Frump: Why don't YOU buy it?
Gomez Addams: For a stupid suggestion, Fester, that's positively brilliant.

[Morticia reveals plans to open a school to help starving art students with her $50,000]
Uncle Fester Frump: What're you gonna do now, MoneyBags?
Gomez Addams: What any level-headed man would do - shoot myself.

Gomez Addams: I'm being forced to dispose of some of my most valuable assets: my game preserve in Nairobi, bamboo plantation in Bali, and - what hurts most of all - the Savings & Loan in Siberia. Oh, you better call Blooker the broker and have him dispose of my Consolidated Fuzz.
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, if you were smart you'd hold onto your Consolidated Fuzz and sell your AT&T.

Gomez Addams: It's time I put an end to all this!
Uncle Fester Frump: You're going to tell Morticia the truth!
Gomez Addams: Exactly. But first I'm gonna tell her a few more lies.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Splurges (#1.19)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [looking at the newspaper] Hey, did you know that Little Orphan Annie's got no eyeballs?
Morticia Frump Addams: That's part of her charm.

Uncle Fester Frump: Hm! There must be SOME way to pick up that kind of money.
Gomez Addams: I've got it! We'll invent something that costs a dime to make, sells for a dollar and is habit-forming.

Ralph J. Hulen: Will you please forget this moon business? I tell you it's impractical, imprudent and absolutely impossible.
Uncle Fester Frump: Mr. Hulen, are you trying to discourage us?
Ralph J. Hulen: I certainly am!
Uncle Fester Frump: Don't beat around the bush! Just answer yes or no!

Ralph J. Hulen: Let's suppose - this is a hypothetical case, of course - but let's suppose that your investment councilor hadn't placed any bets.
Uncle Fester Frump: "Hadn't placed any bets?" Where's my gun? I'd shoot him in the back!

Uncle Fester Frump: We need some new fish for our aquarium. Ours ate each other up.

"The Addams Family: Lurch's Grand Romance (#2.29)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: We thought you were getting married.
Trivia: Oh, I was on the verge but I just couldn't go through with it.
Morticia Frump Addams: Why not?
Trivia: He never asked me.

Uncle Fester Frump: [as Trivia exits singing] With a voice like that she should get life.

[the family decides to make over Lurch]
Uncle Fester Frump: And after a couple hours with me, why he'll know all there is to know about women.
Gomez Addams: Whadda YOU know about women, Fester?
Uncle Fester Frump: [a little affronted] Well, I had a MOTHER, didn't I?

Uncle Fester Frump: Lurch, how do you feel about gas?
Lurch: Gives me heartburn.

Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear, I can't believe it. My best friend, a husband stealer.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, she could get in trouble doing that. That's petty larceny.

"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Breadwinner (#1.26)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: Did you see the paper this morning? The bottom fell out of the stock market again.
Morticia Frump Addams: They really ought to fix that rickety old place. The bottom's ALWAYS falling out of it.

Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia, what're we gonna do for money? I'm too proud to beg and too lazy to work.

Morticia Frump Addams: We MUST think of ways to make money.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know an easy way.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh?
Uncle Fester Frump: Print it.

Morticia Frump Addams: What woman could possibly ask for more than Uncle Fester himself?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, yeah. Well, you got me there.

[Fester's sign hangs upon the Addams mansion fence: "Escort Service. Suave continental types for hire. $50 per hour."]
1st Woman: Oh, look, Gladys. This must be one of those gigolo places.
2nd Woman: Fifty dollars an hour. Ooo, they must be absolutely dreamy.
Uncle Fester Frump: [popping up from behind the sign with Lurch] See for yourselves, girls!
[the women scream and run]
Uncle Fester Frump: What's a matter with them?
Lurch: Flighty.

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Reluctant Lover (#2.10)" (1965)
[Something's ailing Pugsley]
Morticia Frump Addams: The poor dear looks miserable.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, he never WAS too attractive.

Uncle Fester Frump: [to Gomez] I don't know about you, but I come from a long line of stool pigeons. MORTICIA!

Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia, I don't know how to tell you this, but your husband's a fink.
Morticia Frump Addams: My husband Gomez?
Uncle Fester Frump: You got another? He's playin' footsies with another woman. And when I say "footsies" I don't mean "footsies."

Uncle Fester Frump: He sure convinced me, having that woman laying down in his arms like that, with her hair stragling down all over her shoulders, and her eyes afire, and her cheeks aflame!
Morticia Frump Addams: You saw all that?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah! And I only caught a glance.

Morticia Frump Addams: Just tell Gomez I said "Don't. Stop."
Uncle Fester Frump: "Don't. Stop."
Morticia Frump Addams: He'll understand.
Uncle Fester Frump: You know me - Old Dependable.
Uncle Fester Frump: Morticia says "Don't stop."
Gomez Addams: Don't stop? Thanks.
Gomez Addams: [back to Miss Dunbar] Now what was I saying before we were interrupted? Ah, yes! I was saying that nobody must be allowed to interrupt.
Uncle Fester Frump: [running out of the room] MORTICIA!

"The Addams Family: Lurch, the Teenage Idol (#1.33)" (1965)
Mizzy Bickle: This guy's dynamite. He'll be bigger than the Beagles.
Morticia Frump Addams: The Beagles?
Uncle Fester Frump: They're very tasty.
Gomez Addams: Those are bagels.
Mizzy Bickle: The Begals? That's a great group, too.

[Fester is cooking; Morticia reads his recipe book]
Morticia Frump Addams: Fillet of fenny snake in a caldron boil and bake. Eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and pollywog...
Gomez Addams: Ooo, stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook. That's the witches' scene from MacBeth.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he?

Gomez Addams: [to Morticia] Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm gonna let YOU get us out. You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: You're the head of the family, Gomez. YOU tell him.
Gomez Addams: Am I supposed to do everything?
Morticia Frump Addams: We'll do this the democratic way. We'll vote on it.
Gomez Addams: Capital idea!
Morticia Frump Addams: All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say aye.
Grandmama Addams: Aye.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aye.
Morticia Frump Addams: Aye - it's unanimous.
Gomez Addams: But, I... I... I...
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, three more ayes! It's becoming a landslide.

[the excitement of a proposed concert tour causes Lurch laryngitis; Fester and Gomez try curing him with a tank of spray]
Gomez Addams: Ah, it's no good, Fester. Didn't help a bit.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hmm. That's funny. It cured the rose bushes just like that.
[Fester clicks his fingers]
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.

"The Addams Family: My Fair Cousin Itt (#2.1)" (1965)
[as if he's a circus performer, Gomez balances a chair, an 18" rubber ball, a dinner plate and a vase with flowers midair on his chin]
Uncle Fester Frump: I wish that doctor could see him now.
Morticia Frump Addams: Doctor?
Uncle Fester Frump: You know, the one that said our family was unbalanced. Gomez has got PLENTY of balance.

Uncle Fester Frump: [seeing Itt rehearse the part of Claude] Are you sure this part doesn't call for a taller man, someone like me?
Morticia Frump Addams: No, Cousin Itt is perfection, but, Uncle Fester, you could be the understudy.
Uncle Fester Frump: You mean if, uh, something happens to him, like if he gets clobbered, uh, I could play Claude?
Morticia Frump Addams: Of course.
Uncle Fester Frump: [grinning] Uh-huh...
Uncle Fester Frump: [fetching a mace] Itt, let's go down to the playroom. We can rehearse together.

Morticia Frump Addams: Hello, Wednesday, darling. Welcome home. Did you enjoy school?
Wednesday Addams: Pugsley flunked spelling again.
Uncle Fester Frump: A real Addams!

Gomez Addams: [having written another play] You should hear the big scene: This character, Charlie, can't pay back the twenty dollars he owes; this other fellow, Pete, demands a pound of flesh.
Morticia Frump Addams: Twenty dollars for a pound of flesh?
Uncle Fester Frump: Sounds fine to me.
Morticia Frump Addams: It does?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. You should go in a butcher shop and SEE the prices they're getting.

"The Addams Family: Portrait of Gomez (#2.13)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, how 'bout you? Would you like another little dab of lanolin?
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, no, thanks. I like it but it gives me heartburn.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, the last time we moonbathed you ate the goose grease, this time the lanolin.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, what'd you expect me to do with it, smear it all over my face?

[Gomez has never been able to drive]
Gomez Addams: True, but there's very little I don't know about the modern horseless carriage.
Uncle Fester Frump: Except how to shift gears.
Morticia Frump Addams: And steer.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, and, uh, put on the breaks.
Gomez Addams: Well, those things DO give me a little trouble.
Uncle Fester Frump: A LITTLE trouble! Remember the Blue Falconberg we had?
Gomez Addams: Heh-heh, Big Blue! Ho-ho, nothing could stop that car. Scorching desert. Snow-covered mountains. She could go anywhere!
Morticia Frump Addams: Except between two streetcars.

Morticia Frump Addams: [reporting on Gomez] He's taking his written test.
Uncle Fester Frump: Good. Then he'll never get to the driver's test.

Gomez Addams: [to the Strife photographer] Strife Magazine has been one of our favorites.
Morticia Frump Addams: We simply devour it from cover to cover.
Uncle Fester Frump: Aw, it's delicious.

"The Addams Family: Halloween - Addams Style (#2.7)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: [holding up a sharpened knife before Uncle Fester's face] I wanna get the inner you.
Uncle Fester Frump: Not with that!
Gomez Addams: That's just for carving.
Uncle Fester Frump: That's what I'm afraid of.

Uncle Fester Frump: Why, Gomez, you're the Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins!

Gomez Addams: Why, that man should be horse-whipped!
Uncle Fester Frump: If I were a horse, I'D whip him.

Morticia Frump Addams: It's a horse.
Uncle Fester Frump: [dubiously] Are you sure?
Gomez Addams: Not only a beautiful animal but smart, too. He can count to ten.
Uncle Fester Frump: Heh! Big deal. I can count to twenty.
Morticia Frump Addams: But the horse didn't go to school.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, neither did I.

"The Addams Family: Lurch and His Harpsichord (#1.25)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [watching Lurch play an imaginary harpsichord] He's flipped.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, I do NOT like profanity, but I'm afraid you're right. We've left Lurch in the lurch.

Morticia Frump Addams: I do hope Lurch doesn't find out what you're doing down here. You will work quietly, won't you?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, don't worry, Morticia. I sound-proofed the saw. See? No teeth!

Morticia Frump Addams: I think we ought to leave Lurch alone with his harpsichord for the rest of the day.
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, Cadamia. We'll spend the afternoon at Lover's Leap.
Uncle Fester Frump: What'll I do there?
Gomez Addams: We'll make love, and you'll leap.

[Espying Lurch heading toward the door with his packed carpet bag]
Gomez Addams: Lurch, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: What's that in your hand?
Morticia Frump Addams: Where are you going?
Gomez Addams: Answer the third question first.
Morticia Frump Addams: What? Uh, yes, where are you going?
Lurch: Home, to Mama.
Morticia Frump Addams: Nonsense!
Uncle Fester Frump: Easy, Lurch. You'll lose your pension rights.
Lurch: Nobody cares about me.
Gomez Addams: Of course we care about you, Lurch.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all love you, Lurch.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, now, let's not get sick'ning. I LIKE ya, Lurch, but I don't LOVE ya.

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Toupee (#1.31)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [about his pen pal] She's coming here to visit me.
Morticia Frump Addams: Marvelous. We'll have the guest room unbolted.

Morticia Frump Addams: [pointing to a portrait] Now, who is that?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that's General Ulysses S. Addams.
Gomez Addams: And WHAT did he do at Vicksburg?
Uncle Fester Frump: He surrendered!
Gomez Addams: NOT till they caught up with him!

Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, you know, you're right. I shouldn't let a girl frighten me.
Gomez Addams: Not until you're married.

Madelyn Smith: This is the cutest house.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, we do our best to cute it up.

"The Addams Family: Dead and Breakfast (#1.2)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: Hey, what's the matter?
Wednesday Addams: The robins are singing, the sky is azure blue... it's another miserable sunny day, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester: Well, gee, if you two are feeling down, do what I do... blow yourself up!
[Fester pulls out a plunger with wires attached to himself, and pushes it. An explosion occurs]
Uncle Fester: See? I feel better already!
[He falls through a hole]

Uncle Fester: That mystic stuff is a bunch of hooey!
Grandmama Addams: It is not! I'll show you!
[grabs Fester's foot]
Uncle Fester: HEY!
Grandmama Addams: You know the length of your toenails reveals a lot about your personality...
[analyzes Fester's toenails]
Grandmama Addams: Huh... I don't get it. According to this toe, you're supposed to be bright.
Uncle Fester: That's me! Watch!
[charges a lightbulb]

Uncle Fester: Did somebody say crime? That's my middle name!
Wednesday Addams: I thought plumbing was your middle name.
Uncle Fester: But that was last week. I've always been known as a sleuthist!
Pugsley Addams: Wow! Can you help us solve the mystery?

Uncle Fester: Did someone mention family dance? Might I recommend the South Idaho Tongue Pull?
Gomez Addams: On a Friday?
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah. Hey, how about the Face Slide?
[the family cheers]

"The Addams Family: Feud in the Addams Family (#2.11)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: Abigail's always fancied herself as the head of the Addams family. Besides, she thinks I'm some kind of a nut.
Morticia Frump Addams: You? Impossible!
Gomez Addams: Even tried to prove it in court once before.
Uncle Fester Frump: Good thing the judge fell asleep.

Uncle Fester Frump: Hold it! Abigail's probably got spies all over the place. We'd better look around. Can't be too careful. The walls have ears.
Gomez Addams: Interesting thought.

Gomez Addams: Fester, these are Robespierre's parents.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, hi! Who's Robespierre?
Gomez Addams: He's the little tyke Wednesday's set her cap for.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh. When's the wedding?

Uncle Fester Frump: Have I ever been wrong? Now, don't answer that.

"The Addams Family: Fester Goes on a Diet (#2.18)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: Girls like guys with V figures. The only trouble is mine's upside down.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, Lurch, I'm in terrible shape.
Lurch: So I seeeee.

Gomez Addams: Fester, where are you going?
Uncle Fester Frump: Up to my room to sharpen my scalpel.
Dr. Motley: Your scalpel?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yes. If my liver count keeps dropping, I may have to operate.

Uncle Fester Frump: You know, Morticia, when she sees me, a great postal romance is goin' right down the drain.
Morticia Frump Addams: Brace up, Uncle Fester. She'll love you for what you are.
Gomez Addams: [indicating his bloated, flabby tummy] All of it.

"The Addams Family: Ophelia Visits Morticia (#2.24)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] What is the first aid treatment for snake bite?
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, that's a cinch. You take the snake and wrap him in a nice warm blanket so he won't go into shock. Right?
Gomez Addams: It certainly is but that's not the answer they have here.

Gomez Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] The Peace Corps mission is to make friends. Now, what would you do if you were invited to a feast in a native village and were served such local delicacies as sautéed batwing, brisket of warthog and sweet-and-sour scorpion stew?
Uncle Fester Frump: I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Ich! Whoever heard of mixing sautéed batwings and brisket of warthog?

Wednesday Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] Many of the countries low bele... below the equator, where the average rainfall exceeds 200 inches per year. What would you consider the people's greatest need?
Uncle Fester Frump: Ha-ha. Umbrellas.
Wednesday Addams: Oh, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester Frump: Canoes?

"The Addams Family: The Great Treasure Hunt (#2.19)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, I love adventure, just so there's money involved.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! We're not going for the money.
Uncle Fester Frump: The gold?
Grandmama Addams: Aren't you buccaneers forgetting something?
Uncle Fester Frump: The jewels!
Grandmama Addams: No, the children. They're in school.
Gomez Addams: Well, we'll just take them out of school.
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, yes. The principal's always suggesting it, anyway.

Morticia Frump Addams: All we need is a cozy little vessel with a tight-lipped crew.
Gomez Addams: To ensure top secret, we'll be our own crew.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, with you in command, how can we go wrong?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, I'll tell ya...
Gomez Addams: [loudly and pompously] We'll have no mutinous talk, sir, unless you'd like to be flogged, keel-hauled and thrown into irons!
Uncle Fester Frump: You know somethin', I think I'd like that.

Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, Gomez, lemme crack the safe.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, we have the combination.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know, but it's so much more fun blowin' it.

"The Addams Family: Thing Is Missing (#1.23)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Thing] All right, Mr. Fingers, you asked for it!

[With a flashlight in a darkened room, Gomez interrogates Fester about Thing's disappearance]
Uncle Fester Frump: This what you call a third degree?
Gomez Addams: Is it getting to ya?
Uncle Fester Frump: [relishingly] Oh, yeah. Say, you can take it up the the fourth degree.

Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! How can you be so callous?
Uncle Fester Frump: I've been practicin'.
Gomez Addams: That does help.

"The Addams Family: Progress and the Addams Family (#1.30)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: That ex-insurance man of ours...
Gomez Addams: Commissioner Henson?
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah. Well, he's ruining our city. He's puttin' fresh paint on all the public buildings.
Morticia Frump Addams: Whatever for?
Uncle Fester Frump: To hide the soot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Cover up... But the soot's the only thing that's giving those buildings character.

Uncle Fester Frump: I'll shoot him in the back. Would you mind turning around, please?

[Fester suggests they move their house]
Gomez Addams: I know just the spot. That lot Hornsby has up for sale.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's right next door to the Commissioner's house.
Gomez Addams: My dear, at a time like this we can't afford to be choosy.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, it's... it's not that, but... That lot doesn't have any caves, and then no quicksand, no swamp...
Gomez Addams: Fester... What's a swamp? A bunch of mud, slime and stench. We'll build our own!

"The Addams Family: Ophelia's Career (#2.30)" (1966)
Ophelia Frump: Oh, Uncle Fester, you behold the most wretched of women.
Uncle Fester Frump: Say, you DO look better.

Uncle Fester Frump: [to Ophelia] What happened?
Gomez Addams: Throckmorton didn't like being judoed.
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Ophelia] You sure do have a weakness for weirdos.

Ophelia Frump: [mixing chemicals, she asks for... ] The green bottle.
Uncle Fester Frump: [assisting] The green bottle! Oh, no you don't.
Ophelia Frump: Why not?
Uncle Fester Frump: That's my aftershave lotion.
Ophelia Frump: Uncle Fester, that's sulphuric acid!
Uncle Fester Frump: Yeah, I know. It's real tangy!
Ophelia Frump: [stroking Fester's face] Ahh! There's something about a sulfuric acid man.

"The Addams Family: Halloween with the Addams Family (#1.7)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: Why, Gomez! You're the Michelangelo of Halloween pumpkins!

[Pugsley and Wednesday present themselves in their Halloween outfits - a business man and bespeckled girl in a party dress, respectively]
Grandmama Addams: [pleased at the children's frightful costumes] They'll scare the wits out of people.
Uncle Fester Frump: Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say "Do not be alarmed, we are only little children."

Gomez Addams: [beginning the traditional holiday poem] Twas Halloween evening, and through the abode Not a creature was stirring, not even a toad. Jack-o-lanterns are hung on the gallows with care...
Morticia Frump Addams: ...To guide Sister Witch as she flies through the air.
Gomez Addams: Drawn by eight beautiful bats. And she calls out to them...
Morticia Frump Addams: Come Flitter, come Flutter, come Flapper and Flier...
Uncle Fester Frump: ...Come Chitter, come Chatter, come Vicious Vampire.

"The Addams Family: Fester's Punctured Romance (#1.3)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: [ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?
Morticia Frump Addams: I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?
Gomez Addams: The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.

Miss Carver: [with utmost professional charm] That gentleman behind you is Uncle Fester. I know from the description I received.
Uncle Fester Frump: [dreading a forced marriage] You can't force me!
Miss Carver: I never use force, just gentle persuasion. And sometimes in difficult cases I merely give a free sample and leave the prospect to think it over.
Morticia Frump Addams: Miss Carver! We don't continence such behavior in this house.
Miss Carver: Well, then I'll be happy to accept cash.

Miss Carver: Let me show you something exotic for the boudoir.
Uncle Fester Frump: DON'T you DARE!

"The Addams Family: Morticia Meets Royalty (#2.4)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: What ARE you composing, Gomez?
Gomez Addams: [at the harpsichord] A sonata for three hands.
Morticia Frump Addams: Three hands?
Gomez Addams: It'll give Lurch a chance to play duets with Thing.

Morticia Frump Addams: Princess Millicent is, in reality, Gomez's Aunt Millie from Marshy Bottom, Iowa.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh. Then the coat of arms and the title is a fake, huh?
Gomez Addams: No, Aunt Millie picked that up years ago when she married a Prince von Schlepp.
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, sounds glamorous.
Morticia Frump Addams: Not really. Von Schlepp was a prince but he was also a pauper.
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, the poor man.
Morticia Frump Addams: That's usually what a pauper is.

[Millicent has left]
Morticia Frump Addams: Ah, wonderful! The Addams family is a democracy again.
Gomez Addams: Exactly! From now on, I give the orders around here.
Morticia Frump Addams: [warningly] Gomez!
Gomez Addams: [still as chipper] BUT nobody has to obey them.
Uncle Fester Frump: [now that his career as a court jester is done] I'm sure glad I don't have to be funny, anymore.
Morticia Frump Addams: We all are, dear.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Tree (#1.5)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: I'll bet they've got daisies in their back yard.
Gomez Addams: Please, don't make me ill.

Gomez Addams: You'll have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.
Uncle Fester Frump: No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester! That is not the honorable way.
Uncle Fester Frump: I know, but it's the safe way.

"The Addams Family: Green-Eyed Gomez (#1.8)" (1964)
Gomez Addams: This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.
Uncle Fester Frump: You?
Gomez Addams: In my younger days I had women eating out of my hand.
Uncle Fester Frump: Bit messy, wasn't it?

Uncle Fester Frump: You mean you're gonna kill yourself?
Gomez Addams: Of course not. Suicide is the coward's way out. I'm gonna let YOU kill me.

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Cat Burglar (#2.12)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Uncle Fester, Gomez just went out sleepwalking.
Uncle Fester Frump: Nice night for it.

Morticia Frump Addams: Then he came home at four o'clock this morning with mud all over his shoes.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that's better than lipstick all over his shirt.

"The New Scooby-Doo Movies: Wednesday Is Missing (#1.3)" (1972)
Uncle Fester: I invite you to break bread.
Shaggy: [tries the bread] Break bread? He means break your teeth on this bread, this stuff's hard as a rock.

Morticia Frump Addams: [presented with a going away present] It's Thing!
Uncle Fester: I taught him to wave bye-bye.

"The Addams Family: Crisis in the Addams Family (#1.24)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.
[Fester plods off to his room]
Gomez Addams: I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.
Morticia Frump Addams: It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Gomez Addams: All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.
Gomez Addams: When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

"The Addams Family: Mother Lurch Visits the Addams Family (#1.17)" (1965)
[the family is brainstorming over how to deal with the impending visit from Lurch's mother]
Uncle Fester Frump: I say let's mine the front porch. I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell. That always discourages those magazine salesmen.
Gomez Addams: Not bad, Fester, but why not just, uh, wire the doorbell with a few thousand volts. No need to damage the porch.

[Morticia decides they should all play servants under Lurch during his mother's visit]
Morticia Frump Addams: Now, Uncle Fester, you can be the gardener.
Uncle Fester Frump: Forget it.
Morticia Frump Addams: But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like to putter around in the back yard, maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?
Uncle Fester Frump: I like the backyard just the way it is - bare!

"The Addams Family: Amnesia in the Addams Family (#1.22)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: Why do you keep staring at me?
Gomez Addams: Doesn't everyone?

Uncle Fester Frump: I love that boy. I'll clobber him.

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the People's Choice (#2.5)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh, dear, sweet, kind Gomez - I've turned him into a Frankenstein!
Uncle Fester Frump: There IS a resemblance.

Uncle Fester Frump: Gomez, I just have to see ya!
Gomez Addams: Yeah, it has been hours, hasn't it? I'm really touched.

"The Addams Family: Lurch's Little Helper (#2.27)" (1966)
Gomez Addams: [building a robot] Wrench!
Uncle Fester Frump: [assisting him] Wrench!
Gomez Addams: Pliers!
Uncle Fester Frump: Pliers!
Gomez Addams: Screwdriver!
Uncle Fester Frump: Screwdriver!
[he gives him a Screwdriver cocktail]
Gomez Addams: [drinks] Delicious!

Gomez Addams: I've been yanking on this bell for twenty minutes. Why doesn't Lurch answer?
Uncle Fester Frump: Want me to go up to his room and see if he's dead or somethin'?
Morticia Frump Addams: If he's resting we shouldn't want to disturb him, and if he's dead there's no point to it.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family in Court (#1.21)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Permit me to introduce the bar's brightest light - Gomez "Loophole" Addams!
[the Addams family applauds as Gomez takes a bow]
Judge Harvey Saunders: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What goes on here?
Uncle Fester Frump: Just sit tight, Judge, and we'll show you how to run a trial.
Judge Harvey Saunders: I warn you I'll stand for no nonsense.
Gomez Addams: I object.
Judge Harvey Saunders: You object?
Gomez Addams: Just testing.

Judge Harvey Saunders: Order in this court! Order!
Uncle Fester Frump: I object!
Judge Harvey Saunders: YOU object?
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, you don't expect me to sit here like a dummy, do ya?
Judge Harvey Saunders: I hold you in contempt.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, that makes us even.

"The Addams Family: Cousin Itt Visits the Addams Family (#1.20)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: [to Park Commisioner Fiske] When are you gonna get rid of all those awful robins and larks that you have in your parks? They just keep chirping and warbling...

Morticia Frump Addams: Let's not have any dueling.
Uncle Fester Frump: That's right. I'll shoot him in the back!
Morticia Frump Addams: No, no, Uncle Fester. There will be no shooting.
Gomez Addams: It DOES disturb the neighbors.

"The Addams Family: Gomez, the Politician (#1.4)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!
Grandmama Addams: I remember the first time I voted, 1906.
Uncle Fester Frump: Now, Mama, you know there was no women's sufferage in 1906.
Grandmama Addams: That didn't stop me.
Uncle Fester Frump: Ah, a real Addams.

Uncle Fester Frump: [sings his campaign song] "Don't be a hog, help clean up the bog and vote for Sam L. Hilliard. He'll stick to the issue, he may even kiss ya, so vote for Sam L. Hilliard. Honest and fearless, Sam L. is peerless, he's a man for whom we stomp. So don't be a goat 'n' just cast your vote for the pride of our city swaaaamp."

"The Addams Family: Then Came Granny/Pet Show Thing/Fester Sings the Fester Way (#2.6)" (1993)
Grandmama Addams: Didn't I predict the last time you were struck by lightning?
Uncle Fester: Oh, that was only because I had my spine replaced with that TV antenna!
[takes a lightning bolt]
Uncle Fester: See? It happens all the time!

"The Addams Family: Wednesday Leaves Home (#1.10)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: She's been shooting off all of my dynamite caps.
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Wednesday] Darling, you have dynamite caps of your own.
Wednesday Addams: But they're not any fun. They just go "poop."
Gomez Addams: At your age, a little "poop" ought to be enough.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family and the Spaceman (#1.27)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, are those men staring at us?
Gomez Addams: Not us. At you. You're ravishing!
[Starts kissing her arm]
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, please. It's early.
Gomez Addams: Your watch is slow.
Uncle Fester Frump: Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.
Gomez Addams: Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.
Cousin Itt: Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!
Uncle Fester Frump: Itt's right. They could be disguised.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Illness (#1.18)" (1965)
Uncle Fester Frump: If there IS something wrong with me, I hope it's one of those rare tropical diseases. You know, Morticia, something, uh, GLAMOROUS.

"The Addams Family: The New Neighbors Meet the Addams Family (#1.9)" (1964)
Grandmama Addams: Fester's very handy with that gun. He shot a pigeon right through the eye.
Uncle Fester Frump: It wasn't even the one I was aiming at.

"The Addams Family: Morticia and Gomez vs. Fester and Grandmama (#2.17)" (1966)
Uncle Fester Frump: [coming in out of the sun] Gomez! Is it really you?
Gomez Addams: Maybe not. I haven't been myself, lately.

"The New Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Toupee (#1.17)" (1998)
[discussing how Gomez and Morticia have such a happy relationship]
Uncle Fester: How do you and Morticia do it?
Gomez Addams: Never go to bed angry... or on fire.

"The Addams Family: Little Big Thing/Little Bad Riding Hood/Metamorphosister (#1.13)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: Thing says he's grown 20 feet.
Uncle Fester: That's funny, the last time I saw him he only had five fingers.

"The Addams Family: Sir Pugsley/Festerman/Art to Art (#1.7)" (1992)
[Fester has created a superhero]
Wednesday Addams: Festerman?
Uncle Fester: Protector of the macabre!

"The Addams Family: Happy Birthday, Grandma Frump (#2.22)" (1966)
Granny Hester Frump: Fester, I just know I'm right. I just KNOW they're planning to put me out to pasture.
Uncle Fester Frump: Well, you ARE the outdoor type.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meet the VIPs (#1.11)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: I feel so good now, I'm gonna go out and chase automobiles - WONDERFUL hobby!

"The Addams Family: Morticia and the Psychiatrist (#1.2)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: I can't stand these weird things. I'm gonna sit in my treehouse and watch the lightning.

"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik (#1.15)" (1965)
[Fester crashes Rocky's motorcycle while riding it through the house]
Uncle Fester Frump: That's what happens when you have a loose nut!

"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 1 (#2.2)" (1965)
Morticia: Uncle Fester, I'm madly in love with Gomez Addams but he's engaged to marry my sister, Ophelia. What should I do?
Uncle Fester Frump: Forget him. Anybody that'd marry your sister Ophelia must be a nut!

"The Addams Family: A Thing Is Born/Choke and Dagger/Fester's Diary (#1.6)" (1992)
Uncle Fester: And they wonder why I'm such a happy camper!