Wednesday Friday Addams
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Quotes for
Wednesday Friday Addams (Character)
from The Addams Family (1991)

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Addams Family Values (1993)
Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday: Is that your overbite?
Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda: I'll be the victim!
Wednesday: All your life.

Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities.
Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

Wednesday: I'm not perky.
Amanda: That's for damn sure.

Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.

Amanda: Hi, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?
Wednesday: Like what?
Amanda: Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?
Wednesday: Wait.

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.

[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday: Wait!
Amanda: What?
Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky: [whispered] Wednesday!
Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, you will play golf, and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday: And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Wednesday: [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent us to camp. They made us sing.

Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?
Wednesday: What?
Joel: I die.

Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday: Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?
Wednesday: Which part?
Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.

Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday: Which do you think?
Pugsley: The cannonball?
Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley: The baby?
Wednesday: There's only one way to find out. Ready? One... two... three.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.
Ellen: Boys?
Wednesday: Homicide.

[driving to Camp Chippewa]
Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?
Gomez: It's an old Indian word.
Wednesday: It means "orphan."

[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]
Becky: It's an American Bald Eagle!
Gary: But, aren't they extinct?
Wednesday: They are now.

Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."
Becky: "Lassie Come Home."
Gary: "The Little Mermaid."
Wednesday: Stop it!
Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's only a child.

Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?
Wednesday: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Wednesday: What are you in for?
Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.
Wednesday: That's all?
Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.
Wednesday: Why not?
Joel: I just wanted to read.
Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Joel: [he is dressed like Gomez] How do I look?
Wednesday: Disturbing.

Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday: Physical pleasure.
Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"

Morticia: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.
Grandma: Well, that's just not true.
[sighs wistfully]
Grandma: Not anymore.

Pugsley: It's a boy.
Wednesday: It's a girl.
Uncle Fester: Gomez!
Grandma: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!

Joel: I'll never forget you.
Wednesday: You won't?
Joel: You're too weird.

[last lines]
Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel: What do you mean?
Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel: How?
Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.
Joel: No, you wouldn't.
[kneels at Debbie's grave]
Joel: We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.
[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]

[Wednesday reads a letter which she is holding in her hand]
Wednesday: "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."
Gary: [impatiently] Glicker, go!
[Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground]
Becky: Good try!
[Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and Wednesday finishes reading]
Wednesday: "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.

Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday: They had sex.

[first lines]
Wednesday: [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.
Grandma: Dearly beloved...
Wednesday: [the cat mews and Wednesday shakes the box] Shh! Quiet!
Grandma: [starts piling dirt on the box]

Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic.
[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half]
Wednesday: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.
[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet]
Wednesday: [to Pubert] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley: [holds up Pubert, speaks in "baby voice"] Guilty!
Wednesday: Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.
[Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine]
Wednesday: 1... 2...
Morticia: [from downstairs] Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday, Pugsley: Playing!
Wednesday: ...3!
[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers]
Wednesday: Woe to the Republic.

Debbie Jellinsky: [to Pubert] Hold still, you little brat!
Wednesday: He's not a brat.
Debbie Jellinsky: [whirls around, caught] Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.
Wednesday: Fine. Rub it in!

Joel: Cara mia.
Wednesday: Mon cher.

Wednesday: [continuing a ghost story] And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
[all of the girls scream]

Joel: Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?
Wednesday: No.
Joel: But what if you met the right man, who worshiped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?
Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Joel: [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.
Wednesday: It's not binding.
Cousin Ophelia: Tramp.

Gary: [opens cabin door] Mail call.
[handing out mail]
Gary: Addams!
Becky: [handing out mail] Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.
Wednesday: Oh, no.
Pugsley: What is it?
Wednesday: This is unspeakable.
Becky: Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?
Wednesday: This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.
Gary: A wedding? But that's great news!
Amanda: To whom?
Wednesday: The nanny.
Amanda: Get out of the cabin. I mean, I'll kill myself. The help?
Becky: I'm sure she's a very nice lady.
Amanda: I think that's disgusting. I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.
Pugsley: [menacingly] What did you say?
Becky: Campers! Group hug!
Gary: Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?
Wednesday: We don't hug.
Becky: Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley: We're not shy.
Wednesday: We're contagious.
Gary: I'm sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.
Camp Children: Mm-hmm.
Gary: But, hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.

Wednesday: Hurry up!
Pugsley: I'm coming.
Joel: Wait!
Wednesday: Who's there?
Joel: Be careful. Tetanus.
[siren sounds]
Amanda: [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.
Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?
Wednesday: We have to see our family. It's very important.
Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?
Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.
Joel: I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.
Becky: [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?
Joel: Yes.
Amanda: I think they should be punished.
[starts chanting]
Amanda: Punish!
Camp Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!
Becky: No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.
Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think are little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?
Joel: What?
Camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.


The Addams Family (1991)
[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]
Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So we can play a game.
Pugsley: What game?
Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

[about to bury two people]
Pugsley: Are they dead?
Wednesday: Does it matter?

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
Wednesday: Yes.
Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
Pugsley: Yes.
Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

Morticia: Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.
Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.
Wednesday: But, Mother...
Morticia: I said no.
Pugsley: Pleeaaaase?
Morticia: Oh, all right.

Wednesday: May I have the salt?
Morticia: What do we say?
Wednesday: [sternly] Now.

Wednesday: Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.
Dr. Pinderschloss: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.

Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.

Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.

[to Pugsley, who is tied up, mumbling urgently around an apple in his mouth]
Wednesday: Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.
[she levels a crossbow]

[Pugsley is strapped in the electric chair]
Wednesday: [Cranking the switches] It has to warm up.
Pugsley: Why?
Wednesday: So it can kill you.
Pugsley: I knew that.

[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
[drops both swords and falls to her knees]
Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
Gomez: Bravo!
Morticia: Bravo!
Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!

Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.
Uncle Fester, Wednesday, Pugsley: "Scabs".

[last lines]
Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yay!

Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] How do you take it off? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!
Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
[as the trains approach each other]
Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]

Margaret: [Questioning the absence of a Halloween costume] What are you, darling? Where's your costume?
Wednesday: This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everybody else.


"The Addams Family: Dead and Breakfast (#1.2)" (1992)
[Wednesday and Pugsley arrive from school]
Wednesday Addams: Ah, home, bitter home, back with my best friend in the world...
[Lurch holds out Wednesday's doll]
Wednesday Addams: Make that my TWO best friends...

Uncle Fester: Hey, what's the matter?
Wednesday Addams: The robins are singing, the sky is azure blue... it's another miserable sunny day, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester: Well, gee, if you two are feeling down, do what I do... blow yourself up!
[Fester pulls out a plunger with wires attached to himself, and pushes it. An explosion occurs]
Uncle Fester: See? I feel better already!
[He falls through a hole]

Pugsley Addams: Come on, let's tell them we don't want to open a hotel!
Wednesday Addams: We can't say that. You saw how excited they were. Look at them!
[points out the window]
Pugsley Addams: [looking out] Yeah, you know it's a big deal when Dad rolls out the barbed wire...
Wednesday Addams: Lurch, I need some advice. What should we do?
[Lurch moans]
Wednesday Addams: Do you really think so?
[Lurch moans]
Wednesday Addams: You're right, Lurch! We're Addamses through and through, and everyone knows what that means!
Pugsley Addams: We eat our young?
Wednesday Addams: No, Brain Zero! We never let each other down! It's the Addams way! Hotel management, here we come!

Wednesday Addams: We have to think of something to keep the Inspector busy or he'll shut us down be4 we finish our project!
Pugsley Addams: I'll get the bazooka!
Wednesday Addams: No, we need something worse.
Pugsley Addams: Worse than a bazooka?
Pugsley Addams, Wednesday Addams: GRANNY!

[Pugsley holds a spitting cobra at Wednesday]
Wednesday Addams: Stop it! We'll play later!
[Later, Wednesday points a cannon at Pugsley]
Pugsley Addams: You said we didn't have time for playing!
Wednesday Addams: Pardon me, I just get swept away sometimes...

[Mrs. Quaint asks for a safe to keep her pearls]
Pugsley Addams: Safe? Did you say safe?
[the children show Mrs. Quaint a vast crypt]
Pugsley Addams: [slapping away a tentacle] Not now, Otto, we're busy!
Wednesday Addams: We hid your box behind the cash bundle. Just go straight past the diamonds, then right at the pearl-studded silverware.

Pugsley Addams: Imagine, somewhere in our house stalks a wine-stealing, dangerous criminal!
Wednesday Addams: Isn't it great!

Uncle Fester: Did somebody say crime? That's my middle name!
Wednesday Addams: I thought plumbing was your middle name.
Uncle Fester: But that was last week. I've always been known as a sleuthist!
Pugsley Addams: Wow! Can you help us solve the mystery?

Wednesday Addams: [sharpening a blade] Oh, hi, N.J.! I take it your parents still think we're dangerous.

Pugsley Addams: The silverware's gone... and so's everything else!
Wednesday Addams: We've been plundered, pillaged!
Pugsley Addams: And robbed, too!


"The Addams Family: Little Big Thing/Little Bad Riding Hood/Metamorphosister (#1.13)" (1992)
[Wednesday brings a gift for her brother Pugsley]
Pugsley Addams: An ankle-shackle! For me? You shouldn't have!
Wednesday Addams: I know.
Pugsley Addams: [putting it on] And it even fits!
Wednesday Addams: Good.
[fires a cannonball, which was tied to the shackle. This sends Pugsley flying into the air... ]

Pugsley Addams: AHA! Surprise, sis!
[douses Wednesday]
Pugsley Addams: You are now a... porcupine?
Wednesday Addams: This has potential...

Pugsley Addams: [douses Wednesday] Okay! Now you are a dog!
[Out of the mist, a clawed hand holds out a picture of a dog... ]
Wednesday Addams: No, Pugsley, this dog... me GRIZZLY!
[unsheathes claws]

Pugsley Addams: Uh-oh! Now she's a wildebeest! Great... what do they do?
Wednesday Addams: [charging] Allow me!

Pugsley Addams: [being stomped by a rhinoceros Wednesday] Wait! Hold it! Time out!
Wednesday Addams: What ails you, brother?
Pugsley Addams: I wanted to change you into a dog and make you miserable, and look what happened! I got stomped, crushed, trampled... I mean, why should I have all the fun? It's just not fair!
Wednesday Addams: But brother Pugsley, I can think of no greater joy than pummeling you into non-existence.
Pugsley Addams: Do you really mean it?
Wednesday Addams: With all my heart.
Pugsley Addams: Cool! Then don't let me stop you! Let it pour, Thing!
[Thing douses Wednesday with several drops of the chemical]

Wednesday Addams: [shapeshifting between various heavy beasts] Wonderful...


"The Addams Family: Hide and Go Lurch/Hook, Line and Stinkers/A Sword Fightin' Thing (#1.11)" (1992)
Morticia Addams: Wednesday, be a dear and fetch your uncle, please.
Wednesday Addams: 'Tis my pleasure, Mother... Behold, a pile of ants!
[Fester appears with a spoon and a bottle of ketchup]

Wednesday Addams: Break a leg, Father.
Gomez Addams: Ah, I could only wish!

Wednesday Addams: Friend Lurch, confess. You knew they were under that weight all the time, did you not?
[Lurch moans with bashfulness]
Pugsley Addams: Ah, you old softy!

Wednesday Addams: Lurch has something to say - ahem! - does he not?
Lurch: Iiiiii leeeet yoouuuu wiiiinnnn.
Uncle Fester: Well, tie me up and paint bugs on my head!
Gomez Addams: You mean... we were duped, cheated, buffaloed?
Lurch: Biiiinnnngoooo.
Gomez Addams: [shakes Lurch's hand] Glad to hear it, governor! Thank you.
Uncle Fester: [hugs Lurch] Bless your artificial hearts!

Pugsley Addams: Dad, why can't we just trash my old head vice? I'm too big for it now!
Wednesday Addams: Yes, and I've outgrown the comfort of Uncle Fester's pickled tonsils set next to me at night.
Gomez Addams: Because, my little cretins, we Addamses never throw our things away. We cherish them. In here, the attic!

Gomez Addams: Children! Guess what I've found!
Pugsley Addams: Uncle Fester's first head?
Wednesday Addams: Does the third eye still blink?


"The Addams Family: Girlfriendstein/Pugsley by the Numbers/Beware of Thing (#1.4)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: What's wrong, Lurch?
Lurch: Nnnooooo cooommmeeennnnnttt...

Pugsley Addams: Maybe we can look around Lurch's room and find out what's bugging him!
[Wednesday and Pugsley slop into Lurch's room]
Wednesday Addams: Methinks we shouldn't be in here...
Pugsley Addams: Ah, Lurch said we could watch his TV anytime we wanted. So let's rummage!
[starts going through Lurch's belongings]
Wednesday Addams: [grabs] Calm down, Attila!

Wednesday Addams: I didn't know Lurch had a girlfriend...
Pugsley Addams: Listen to this letter! "Dear, Lurch... uh..."
Wednesday Addams: Oh, no! She left him!

Uncle Fester: [a la Dr Frankenstein] It's ready! It's ready!
Pugsley Addams: What's ready, Uncle Fester?
Wednesday Addams: Lurch's new girlfriend?
Uncle Fester: Nah! My monkey-hair hoagie!

Wednesday Addams: [at the door] I was hoping you would come back...
[Lurch's girlfriend enters]
Lurch: Uuuhhhh. Yoouuu caaammmmee baaaccckk...
Wednesday Addams: I wrote to her, Lurch, and told her you really cared, but you just have this tiny problem of expressing yourself.


"The Addams Family: Wednesday Leaves Home (#1.10)" (1964)
Uncle Fester Frump: She's been shooting off all of my dynamite caps.
Morticia Frump Addams: [to Wednesday] Darling, you have dynamite caps of your own.
Wednesday Addams: But they're not any fun. They just go "poop."
Gomez Addams: At your age, a little "poop" ought to be enough.

Pugsley Addams: Got any money?
Wednesday Addams: Twelve cents.
Pugsley Addams: Good. I thought you were broke.

Gomez Addams: Well, I guess Wednesday's really gone.
Morticia Frump Addams: Someday, when she's slaving away in a tuna cannery, she may remember the life of ease she had in this lovely home.
Gomez Addams: Raggéd, penniless, her little fingers bleeding from the tuna cans, she may return and say she's sorry.
Morticia Frump Addams: And when that happens, we'll take her back - if we have room.
Wednesday Addams: [hiding and listening] If they have room?
Gomez Addams: Come, my dear, let's go down and remove her pictures from the family album.

Sgt. Haley: Would the nice little lady like a nice big strawberry ice cream cone?
Wednesday Addams: No, sir.
Sgt. Haley: Well, what WOULD you like?
Wednesday Addams: A dead fly.


"The Addams Family: The Day Gomez Failed (#1.3)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: Mother, Father, there be many men with bulldozers outside!
Morticia Addams: Oh how nice, visitors!
Pugsley Addams: Uh-uh, they're not visitors, Mom! They're from the City!
Wednesday Addams: Father, the foreman told us that the land you sold them was our house. They're going to demolish it!

Wednesday Addams: Hey, Dad, want to make the Mona Lisa frown?
Gomez Addams: Nope. Done that too.
Wednesday Addams: Don't worry, Father. We understand.
[Wednesday and Pugsley leave]
Pugsley Addams: Hey, Mona...
[a scream is heard]

Pugsley Addams: Bad news from the chocolate diet centre, Dad!
Wednesday Addams: People became sick from eating Uncle Fester's chocolate and started losing weight.
[the Addams home is flooded with money]
Wednesday Addams: That means your diet centre is...
Gomez Addams: Let me guess: a booming success.

Gomez Addams: Fester, your diet chocolate convinced me to open up a whole line of centres!
Pugsley Addams: And we're glad we get to run them for you, Dad!
Wednesday Addams: That's right. The last thing people on a diet should do is consume mass quantities of chocolate.


"The Addams Family: Happyester Fester (#1.1)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: I haven't seen uncle Fester since he staked himself to the anthill.
Morticia Addams: I know, dear, but something was bothering him even then - those screams were half-hearted and I didn't hear his usual joyous cackle.

Gomez Addams: Gadzooks and goodnights! Fester has invented a new fabric! It's bulletproof, self-cleaning...
Uncle Fester: And it tastes good with dip, too!
Wednesday Addams: Congratulations, Uncle Fester!
Morticia Addams: Isn't it exciting, Fester? Your first successful invention!
Uncle Fester: I call it Happyester, after Happydale Heights, our fine city!

Wednesday Addams: [improvising a formula] Fluorine. Benzene. Margarine. Nitroglycerine.
Pugsley Addams: Yeah!

Wednesday Addams: [to her headless doll] Julia, it is time for you to practice the art of feeding yourself.
[pours her food into the doll's open neck]
Wednesday Addams: Not too fast...
[the doll burps]
Wednesday Addams: That's it. Savour the flavor.


"The Addams Family: F.T.V. (#1.9)" (1992)
Wednesday Addams: Dear Uncle, what mischief have you devised this morning?
Uncle Fester: Behold, my own satellite TV station!
Gomez Addams: YES!

Wednesday Addams: And now, witness if you dare, our first show, starring your favourite eight-foot butler, that perky bundle of fun: Ask Lurch!

Mr. Normanmeyer: [points out the window] Say, isn't that a six-car pile-up?
Pugsley Addams: Cool!
[the Addamses rush over to the window to check it out]
Mr. Normanmeyer: [deactivating the satellite] Come on, baby, come on down...
[the Addams return from the window depressed]
Wednesday Addams: Darn the luck!
Uncle Fester: Oh, buck it!
Gomez Addams: Just another Johnson barbecue...
Mr. Normanmeyer: Well, I guess my eyes aren't what they used to be...

[the F.T.V. satellite is going to crash into town]
Pugsley Addams: [running outside] I want to be first!
Wednesday Addams: [following Pugsley] No, ME!
Uncle Fester: Way to go, Normster!


"The Addams Family: Itt's Over (#1.10)" (1992)
[first lines]
[a set of model trains are about to crash into each other at a crossroads]
Wednesday Addams: Prepare yourself, Pugsley!
Pugsley Addams: It's time to kick in the turbos! Oh yeah! Do it!
Wednesday Addams: And now for the coup de grace, Pugsley!
[Wednesday, Pugsley and Thing pull out plungers]
Gomez Addams: STOP! What are you two doing?
Wednesday Addams: We're sorry, Father. We didn't think you'd mind.
Gomez Addams: Mind? Of course I mind!
[takes a doll's pram, puts a cute teddy bear in it, and puts the pram on the crossroads... ]
Gomez Addams: Ah, yes...!
Pugsley Addams: Yeah!
Gomez Addams: [grabbing a plunger] Let her rip, my lovely little atrocities!
Wednesday Addams: Oui, mon papa!
[big explosion]
Pugsley Addams: GOTCHA!
Gomez Addams: Now THAT"s the way to enjoy a wreck!

Uncle Fester: [a train on his head] Am I too late to obliterate mine?
Wednesday Addams: Of course not, Uncle Fester!
[Fester blows up the train]
Uncle Fester: Do I know how to blow up a train or what?

Pugsley Addams: [in a bakery] Oh, boy! Donuts!
[takes a bite out of one and gags]
Wednesday Addams: What's wrong?
Pugsley Addams: These donuts are fresh!
Wednesday Addams: [shudders] Ewww! 'Tis a mixed world we live in!

Wednesday Addams: Uncle Fester, your hair...!
Uncle Fester: Oh, no! Is it back?
Morticia Addams: No, dear, it's all gone!
Uncle Fester: Oh... I guess I was so worried about Cousin Itt that my hair fell out!
Gomez Addams: That must be a load off your mind.
Uncle Fester: Yeah, and we can deep-fry it at the next family picnic!


"The Addams Family: Uncle Fester's Illness (#1.18)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: Thank you, Thing, but remember, "NOBODY likes a smart Thing."

Wednesday Addams: Hello, Uncle Fester. You still alive?

Wednesday Addams: Are you the Doctor that's going to cure Uncle Fester?
Dr. Milford: Well, I'm certainly going to try my best.
Wednesday Addams: Where's your mask and spear?
Dr. Milford: My what?
Wednesday Addams: The last doctor we had came like that.
Dr. Milford: Yes, well, um... Uh, this was the best I could do on a spur of the moment.


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meets a Beatnik (#1.15)" (1965)
Rockland 'Rocky' Cartwright III: You kids really live in this crumb box?
Wednesday Addams: We like it. It' so nice and eerie.

Rockland 'Rocky' Cartwright III: Dig?
Wednesday Addams: Only graves.
Rockland 'Rocky' Cartwright III: Oh, you break me up, sawed-off.

Wednesday and Pugsley: [together] We know a secret. We know a secret.
Rockland 'Rocky' Cartwright III: Satan's comin' to dinner.
Wednesday Addams: That was last week.


"The Addams Family: Thing Is Missing (#1.23)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: That new cactus brush really makes my head feel nice and tingly.
Morticia Frump Addams: Well, I'm glad, darling. I'll just go upstairs and throw away your old porcupine quill brush.

Wednesday Addams: I won't talk without a lawyer!
Gomez Addams: [to Morticia, while brandishing a hose] She's a shrewd one, but the psychological effect of the hose makes them ALL crack.


"The Addams Family: Christmas with the Addams Family (#2.15)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: [dictating while Pugsley writes] Dear Santa: We just wanted you to know that, even though Mr. Thompson said there was no such thing as Santa Claus, we didn't believe him, so please come or else it will make us look like dummies. Signed, Wednesday and Pugsley Addams.

[Confront by a second Santa Claus in their house, Wednesday pulls Pugsley aside]
Wednesday Addams: Either that's Grandmama or Santa Claus is a woman.
Pugsley Addams: Either that or Grandmama's a man.


"The Addams Family: Feud in the Addams Family (#2.11)" (1965)
Pugsley Addams: Yesterday she got so upset for him while waiting for his call that she let the trains run for twenty minutes without one crash.
Morticia Frump Addams: Wednesday, you didn't.
Gomez Addams: Shocking waste of electricity. We could've recharged Uncle Fester TEN TIMES with all that power.
Wednesday Addams: I'm sorry, Father, but you don't measure love with dollars.
Pugsley Addams: That's a woman for ya.

Wednesday Addams: [loaded down with boy-trapping equipment] What advice do YOU have for me, Lurch?
Lurch: [gestures at having nothing] Ugggggh.
Wednesday Addams: [dropping the equipment to embrace Lurch] I LOVE you, Lurch.


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Writer (#2.8)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Imagine, poisoning a child's mind with all this terrible literature.
Gomez Addams: Children, have you protested?
Pugsley Addams: Sure. We told Miss Doubleday that us Addamses LIKE giants, goblins and witches.
Wednesday Addams: But she just muttered something about nuts.

Pugsley Addams: Look at these books they gave us to read in school: "A Treasury of Mean Witches, Evil Giants, Wicked Goblins & Other Bedtime Stories by Moricia Addams."
Wednesday Addams: Mother, how could you? Yuch!
Gomez Addams: Children, please, watch your language. Besides, your mother didn't write those. I did.
Morticia Frump Addams: Gomez, you?
Gomez Addams: Children, please go play with your spiders. Cara, much as it hurt to rewrite those glorious phrases of yours, I... I HAD to do it.
Morticia Frump Addams: And I know why.
Gomez Addams: You do?
Morticia Frump Addams: You wanted to prove that the only thing that publishers will print today is junk.


"The Addams Family: Ophelia Visits Morticia (#2.24)" (1966)
Wednesday Addams: [reading from the Peace Corps manual] Many of the countries low bele... below the equator, where the average rainfall exceeds 200 inches per year. What would you consider the people's greatest need?
Uncle Fester Frump: Ha-ha. Umbrellas.
Wednesday Addams: Oh, Uncle Fester.
Uncle Fester Frump: Canoes?


"The Addams Family: The Addams Family Tree (#1.5)" (1964)
Wednesday Addams: I'm sorry I punched you in the eye, Harold.
Cecil B. Pomeroy: [defending his son's honor] She must have hit him while his back was turned.
Gomez Addams: In the eye?


"The Addams Family: My Fair Cousin Itt (#2.1)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: Hello, Wednesday, darling. Welcome home. Did you enjoy school?
Wednesday Addams: Pugsley flunked spelling again.
Uncle Fester Frump: A real Addams!


"The Addams Family: Art and the Addams Family (#1.14)" (1964)
[Sam looks over Wednesday's little grave markers of famous people and characters who've died by beheading]
Sam Picasso: Little Red Riding Hood - 'she' didn't die.
Wednesday Addams: The way 'we' play it she does.


"The Addams Family: Double O Honeymoon (#2.5)" (1993)
Wednesday Addams: [holding a stick] Mother, Father, might I strike the gong and start a family dance?
Pugsley Addams: [tied to the gong] Yeah, let's break it down!
Gomez Addams: Excellent idea, my little cremators!
Uncle Fester: [holding a diper] I got it! how about Oopsie Addams' Diper Play?
Uncle Fester: But Fester, you haven't built a picnic table in years!
Uncle Fester: Oh, yeah...


"The Addams Family: Lurch Learns to Dance (#1.13)" (1964)
Wednesday Addams: [finding Lurch in hiding] Just because we want you to go to The Butlers' Ball? It'll be fun.
Lurch: I like being miserable.
Wednesday Addams: You might find a nice girl to be miserable with.


"The Addams Family: Halloween - Addams Style (#2.7)" (1965)
Morticia Frump Addams: What's this? Tears on our very own holiday? Why, all those nice witches and goblins flying around...
Wednesday Addams: That's just it. They told us there weren't any witches.
Morticia Frump Addams: WHAT?
Gomez Addams: What fiend uttered that vile canard?


"The Addams Family: Amnesia in the Addams Family (#1.22)" (1965)
Gomez Addams: I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."
Wednesday Addams: But what have I done?
Gomez Addams: Nothing.
Wednesday Addams: Then why are you punishing me?


"The Addams Family: Morticia and Gomez vs. Fester and Grandmama (#2.17)" (1966)
Wednesday Addams: My guillotine's busted.
Inez Thudd: "Broken," not "busted."
Pugsley Addams: Well, either way, we can't make it work.
Inez Thudd: You must think positively. Keep repeating firmly to yourself, "My guillotine WILL work. My guillotine WILL work. My guillotine WILL WORK."


"The Addams Family: Morticia, the Breadwinner (#1.26)" (1965)
[Wednesday and Pugsley stand before their sidewalk drink stand sign: "Henbane on the Rocks 25¢."]
Man at Drink Stand: Well, how's business, kids?
Pugsley Addams: Pretty slow, sir.
Man at Drink Stand: Gee, with a cute sign like that, you should be doin' great. "Henbane on the Rocks." Boy, those trade names get wackier every day. Let me have a tall one, son.
Pugsley Addams: Yes, sir.
Man at Drink Stand: Well, always like to help out the small business man. Cheers.
Pugsley Addams: Cheers.
[the customer drinks and chokes. Smoke shoots out of his ears]
Wednesday Addams: Would you like some more?
Man at Drink Stand: [gasping] I'd like some help! I'm gonna tell my lawyer about this.
Pugsley Addams: [turns to Wednesday] See? Satisfied customers ALWAYS tell their friends.


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Favorite Charity (#1.29)" (1965)
Wednesday Addams: [holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scot.
Morticia Frump Addams: Darling, that IS your most precious possession.
Wednesday Addams: I can chop a head off another doll.
Morticia Frump Addams: I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?
Wednesday Addams: Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.


"The Addams Family: Sir Pugsley/Festerman/Art to Art (#1.7)" (1992)
[Fester has created a superhero]
Wednesday Addams: Festerman?
Uncle Fester: Protector of the macabre!


"The Addams Family: Lurch's Little Helper (#2.27)" (1966)
Wednesday Addams: [walking away from a card game] I give up!
Morticia Frump Addams: Now-now, darling, you must learn to be a good loser.
Wednesday Addams: I'm winning.
Morticia Frump Addams: Oh?
Wednesday Addams: But it's no fun. Smiley can't cheat like Lurch.


"The Addams Family: Halloween with the Addams Family (#1.7)" (1964)
Wednesday Addams: Nice knife. Can I play autopsy with it?


"The Addams Family: Fester's Punctured Romance (#1.3)" (1964)
Miss Carver: What kind of powder does your mama use?
Wednesday Addams: Baking powder.
Miss Carver: I mean on her face.
Wednesday Addams: Baking powder. And Uncle Fester uses his spray-on preservative.
Miss Carver: Uh, no, you mean a spray-on deodorant.
Wednesday Addams: No, preservative.
Miss Carver: Oh, to keep young?
Wednesday Addams: Just to keep.


"The Addams Family: Happy Birthday, Grandma Frump (#2.22)" (1966)
Wednesday Addams: [reciting her new poem] "I have a gloomy little spider; I love to sit down close beside her. She never knows where she has been 'cause all she does is spin and spin. My spider's quite a busy roamer, which is why I called her Homer. She loves to work and spin all day, and then at night she likes to play. Her web is like my mother's hair; her eyes have got my father's stare. She may not jump or twist or bend but a spider's a girl's best friend."


"The Addams Family: Sweetheart of a Brother (#2.4)" (1993)
Mortimer: [about the contents of his lunchbox] That thing's your lunch?
Pugsley Addams: Well, actually, I'm HIS lunch...
[jumps in]
Mortimer: Man, you are weird, Addams!
[runs off]
Wednesday Addams: Pugsley, tell your food to stop playing!


"The Addams Family: Morticia's Romance: Part 2 (#2.3)" (1965)
Pugsley Addams: This is the best storm since lightning put the short circuit in Uncle Fester.
Wednesday Addams: You remember all those red, white and blue flashes coming from his head?