Artemus Gordon
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Quotes for
Artemus Gordon (Character)
from "The Wild Wild West" (1965)

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Wild Wild West (1999)
Artemus Gordon: She's a breath of fresh ass.
Capt. James West: Pardon me?
Artemus Gordon: What?
Capt. James West: You said "ass."
Artemus Gordon: No, I didn't. I said, "It's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air."
Capt. James West: Let's just get some shut ass.

Capt. James West: Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment?
Artemus Gordon: A bedside heater.
Capt. James West: What?
Artemus Gordon: Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there.

Capt. James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men!

[Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs]
Capt. James West: You know, you could put a gun on that.
Artemus Gordon: Then where would I keep my pencil?

Capt. James West: I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath.
Artemus Gordon: An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize.

[Gordon zaps McGrath with his hypno-belt]
McGrath: What's this?
Artemus Gordon: Why, it's a deep, deep pool. Maybe it's your old swimming hole, General. Are you feeling sleepy?
McGrath: Yes, I'm sleepy.
Artemus Gordon: Good. Now you're going to be my little doggy, and when I say "speak" you're going to tell me everything I want to know. Understand?
McGrath: Woof!
Artemus Gordon: Good boy. Now, which scientist is that in the next room? Is it Dr. Escobar? Speak!
McGrath: [panting] Woof! Woof!
Artemus Gordon: You can speak words, you stupid mutt.

[chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks]
Artemus Gordon: The collars around our necks! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine!
Capt. James West: Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power?
Artemus Gordon: About four hundred years!
Capt. James West: Damn!

Capt. James West: Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
Artemus Gordon: Excuse me?
Capt. James West: Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
Artemus Gordon: [chuckling maniacally] Oh ho ho, I see. *Now* I'm the "master of this mechanical stuff." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
[throws back his head and shouts]
Artemus Gordon: JIM WEST!
["Jim West" echoes through the canyon]
Artemus Gordon: ...decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!
Capt. James West: Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
Artemus Gordon: I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the "Master of the Mechanical Stuff"! And I have to help you! You, the master of the STUPID STUFF! You want to get your collar off? I'll get it off!
[waves his empty hand]
Artemus Gordon: I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd shoot it off!
[grabs a rock]
Artemus Gordon: Here, here's something! In the true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
Capt. James West: Gordon, you don't want to do that...
Artemus Gordon: Oh, but I do!
[does so]

[West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch]
Capt. James West: Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.
Artemus Gordon: Don't worry.

Artemus Gordon: Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
Capt. James West: Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?
Artemus Gordon: That's the first place Loveless would have looked.

[last lines, as Jim and Artemus are riding away on Loveless' spider]
Artemus Gordon: Jim?
Capt. James West: What now, Artie?
Artemus Gordon: Mind if I ask you a question?
Capt. James West: Actually, I do, Artie.

[Artemus is wearing a bulletproof vest]
Artemus Gordon: I only have one request: that you aim for my heart, my heart which has loved this country so much.
Dr. Arliss Loveless: Shoot him in the head.
Artemus Gordon: [quietly] Damn.

Artemus Gordon: We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have?
[they look down into a canyon]
Artemus Gordon: He has his own city.
[Loveless' mechanical spider walks up over the edge of the cliff on which they are standing]
Capt. James West: He has an 80-foot tarantula.
Artemus Gordon: I was just coming to that.

Rita Escobar: He's so impetuous.
Artemus Gordon: Yes, he's an idiot.

[they have gotten stuck back to gether with collar magnets. Trying to free each other, they end up in an even worse fix]
Artemus Gordon: What did you do?
Capt. James West: I didn't do shit!
Artemus Gordon: [accusing] Yes, you did! You've somehow reversed the polarity of your magnet!
Capt. James West: Hey! I-did-not-do-shit!

[Preparing a flying machine]
Artemus Gordon: Although he was considered insane by his peers, Bernoulli's theory states that the air flowing over a bird's wing is at a lower pressure than the air flowing under the wing. That's called "lift," and that is what we're now going to... attempt. Of course, it's only a theory, it's never been tested...
Capt. James West: Stop talking.
Artemus Gordon: Sorry.

Artemus Gordon: I've been trying to place myself in Loveless' shoes.
Capt. James West: Good luck with that one.
Artemus Gordon: What could this demented maniac with no reproductive organs, want with Rita?
Artemus Gordon: [Rita falls through the train's sliding roof, beside West, unseen by Gordon] Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so...
Artemus Gordon: [turns and notices Rita] ... what were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so...
[quietly to West]
Artemus Gordon: How long has she been here?
Capt. James West: Somewhere around Botticelli's buttocks.
Artemus Gordon: I am profoundly sorry.

President Grant: Gentlemen, you'll be happy to know that I'm starting a new agency, whose sole purpose is the protection of the President. Welcome to the Secret Service, Agents Number One, and Number Two.
Artemus Gordon: Thank you, Mr. President.
Artemus Gordon: Sir, if you don't mind my asking, which of us is Number One and which is Number Two?
President Grant: I don't think that really matters, Gordon, do you?
Artemus Gordon: Not if you don't, sir.

[preparing to try their flying machine]
Artemus Gordon: Hold on. Avanti!
[the bicycle speeds forward]
Artemus Gordon: Avanti! Avanti!
Capt. James West: Why isn't this thing avanti-ing?
Artemus Gordon: We're not getting enough lift! We need more speed!
[He turns toward a cliff]
Capt. James West: Artie, that's a cliff!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: That means the ground is gonna end!
Artemus Gordon: Yes, I know!
Capt. James West: Gordon... Gordon... GORDON!
[the machine goes off the edge of the cliff... and sails into the air]
Artemus Gordon: It works! It works!
Capt. James West: If you had to get one right, Artie, I'm sure glad it was this one.

Capt. James West: Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to see that you weren't a woman.
Artemus Gordon: I was propositioned by three men.
Capt. James West: You looked nasty, just butt ugly. Your breasts were hard and stiff, and sticking out like rusty cannons on a sunken ship.
Artemus Gordon: [puts on his costume breasts] These breasts are a work of art. Aesthetically, and scientifically perfect.
Capt. James West: They look like shit.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Big Blackmail (#4.1)" (1968)
Jim West: Artie, when are you going to get rid of that cat?
Artemus Gordon: Listen, he stowed aboard in Denver, I'm going to see to it that he gets home.

Artemus Gordon: [getting an idea] Well, they're expecting a "show"... who are *we* to *disappoint* them?

Hilda: Why should I say it again?
Artemus Gordon: Because when you say "supervisors", your nose crinkles up in the most adorable way, did you know that?

Artemus Gordon: Did it ever occur to you that red might mean danger? For instance, red for fire, fire of explosion?
Jim West: What would they want to explode?
Artemus Gordon: People who fool around with their levers.

[last lines]
Artemus Gordon: It was just a thought.
Jim West: I'm glad it was a "just a thought", Artie.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Glowing Corpse (#1.7)" (1965)
[looking around the hotel room after the explosion]
James T. West: What do we do now?
Artemus Gordon: I think we better call the housekeeper. This place is a mess.

Artemus Gordon: Think of that. Five minutes, underwater, submerged, and you'd still survive. That is, if somebody was trying to drown you.
James T. West: What if doesn't work?
Artemus Gordon: Bring it back. I'll make you a new one.

Artemus Gordon: Jim... you ever wonder what might of happened if Amelie had pointed that gun a little higher when she shot you?
James T. West: I think the box office would have refunded the money.

James T. West: Did she get away?
Artemus Gordon: Free and clear.
Lt. Armand Renard: Monsieur, I am appalled. How could you ley such a thing happen? And with your revolver?
[West taking the revolver back]
James T. West: She didn't have one of her own. Thank you.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Raven (#2.3)" (1966)
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: You, Mr. Gordon. You didn't play fair! You cheated.
Artemus Gordon: A weakness. So sue me!

Artemus Gordon: The damsel in distress is no damsel.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Ah, there you are.
Artemus Gordon: No, you have us confused with somebody else. We're over there.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Mr. Gordon, you're such a wit!

Artemus Gordon: You've said that before, many times.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: And I say it again-now, Mr. Gordon... on the floor!

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Murderous Spring (#1.27)" (1966)
Jim West: Artie... is that really you?
Artemus Gordon: In that badly bruised flesh. Who were you expecting, President Grant?

Jim West: Artie, you look a little pecked. How about a snack?
[showing Artemus a turkey leg]
Artemus Gordon: I appreciate your concern. Right now I'd rather worry about Dr. Loveless.
Jim West: Worry, and eat. We need a weapon, don't we?
Artemus Gordon: What are you going to do, chuck him to death on a bone?
Jim West: Something like that.
Artemus Gordon: Would you mind telling me what you've got in mind?
Jim West: Just an idea. I need a little time to work it out.
Artemus Gordon: You wouldn't have any giblet gravy in your pocket, would you?
Jim West: Ever kill a man with giblet gravy?

[last lines]
Jim West: I'll miss him. That little man with a giant rage against the whole universe.
Artemus Gordon: As Kitty said, who can blame the poor little one?

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Two-Legged Buffalo (#1.23)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: You know something? I got a big mouth.

Artemus Gordon: Can't we play a little roulette or something? I'm wearing my lucky molar.
Jim West: Yeah, but it's got a cavity in it.

Artemus Gordon: These things are ridiculous.
Jim West: Artie, it's very colorful.
Artemus Gordon: Blue, that's the color, blue! I'll die of pneumonia!
Jim West: If you're going to die, blue's a lovely color.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Skulls (#2.13)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: You killed me once this week. Isn't that enough?

Lorelei: James! I've been waiting for you all evening.
Artemus Gordon: Well, I haven't. Where have you been and do you have to stay?

James T. West: Artie you couldn't be quiet, not even at your own funeral, could you?
Artemus Gordon: Well, somebody had to tell the truth.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Big Blast (#2.4)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: [after they kiss] I must say, you're a marvelous actress.
Lily Fortune: Who's acting?

Lily Fortune: That might be mother.
Artemus Gordon: No,no, it's just Henrietta.
Lily Fortune: Who's Henrietta?

Artemus Gordon: You don't look very dead.
Jim West: I'm not even sick.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Howling Light (#1.14)" (1965)
Artemus Gordon: What are they doing?
James T. West: They're trying to break out and get to the doctor. I guess they want to kill him. We'd better go down and stop them.
Artemus Gordon: Ahhh... Why?
James T. West: Must be some reason.
Artemus Gordon: I can't think of any.
James T. West: It is a problem.
Artemus Gordon: Um-hmmm...
[the door burst open. Arcularis begins to cry out and scream]
James T. West: Say... do you suppose that woman could be conditioned so that she'd never nag, never complain, never be anything but sweet and warm and understanding? Kind?
James T. West: You've got a reasonal.
[they race for Arcularis's lab]

Artemus Gordon: Now, where is he?
Sikes: They'll kill me if I tell you.
Artemus Gordon: And I'll kill you if you don't. The only difference is, I'll do it now.

Artemus Gordon: [Offering Ahkeema a drink] Will you join me?
Ahkeema: Don't you realize it's a federal offense to offer "fire water" to an Indian?
Artemus Gordon: Forgive me.
Ahkeema: Four years of college taught me many things: A respect for calculus, Blackstone and Shakespeare. And nothing but contempt for the white man's vices.
Artemus Gordon: There's one thing your four years of college didn't teach you, Ahkeema.
Ahkeema: What is that?
Artemus Gordon: Good manners.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Fugitives (#4.7)" (1968)
Col. James Richmond: And you and Jim plan to grab Plank before Desmond does?
Artemus Gordon: [Donning a disguise] Well, we're sure gonna try.
Col. James Richmond: I have a strange feeling that ridiculous outfit has something to do with the whole thing.
Artemus Gordon: Well, it certainly does.
Col. James Richmond: And just who you going to be this time?
Artemus Gordon: A degenerate character I know named Hallelujah Harry. 'Hallelujah Harry's the name, saving's my game!' And from what I know of Diamond Dave Desmond, he's gonna need a lot of saving.

Monk: Oh, Mr. Desmond!
Diamond Dave Desmond: What is it?
Monk: Your stickpin - it's gone!
Artemus Gordon: [as Hallelujah Harry] That's not all that's missing either, brother.
Diamond Dave Desmond: My watch! And my wallet!
Artemus Gordon: Man should have more than one way for bringin' in the sheaves, I always say.

The Wild Wild West Revisited (1979) (TV)
Dr. Miguelito Loveless, Jr: You killed my father.
James T. West: I don't remember killing Dr. Loveless. Artie, did you...?
Atremus Gordon: No, I didn't...
Dr. Miguelito Loveless, Jr: He died of ulcers!

James T. West: Junior, you're crazier than your father ever was.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless, Jr: Did it ever occur to you that my father was, and I am, completely sane and the two of you and the rest of the world are mentally deficient?
James T. West: No, that never occurred to me... Did it ever occur to you, Artie?
Atremus Gordon: Never.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless, Jr: Did it ever occur to you that my father was normal-sized and the two of you might be throwbacks to cavemen types?
Atremus Gordon: Now *that* occurred to me.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Returning Dead (#2.5)" (1966)
James T. West: Where are you headed for now, Jeremiah?
Jeremiah: Home.
Artemus Gordon: Where's that?
Jeremiah: I don't know where that is yet.

James T. West: What happened to you?
Artemus Gordon: Fighting on the Sabbath? Never on a Sunday.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of Fire and Brimstone (#4.9)" (1968)
Artemus Gordon: Which one would you like to take?
James T. West: That one.
Artemus Gordon: Why that one?
James T. West: Why not that one, Artie?
Artemus Gordon: Good, I didn't think you had a reason.

Dooley Sloan: But nobody ever worries about the doctor, do they? I wonder why.
Artemus Gordon: I don't know why. Maybe it goes with the diploma and the black bag.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Inferno (#1.1)" (1965)
Artemus Gordon: Maybe I ought to throw him in the pit, huh? With some of his little friends.
James T. West: He'd probably poison them.

James T. West: See anyone you know?
Artemus Gordon: The one with the blue eyes looks familiar.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Infernal Machine (#2.14)" (1966)
[in a brawl, Jim smashes the judge's face into a large cake]
Artemus Gordon: Did you have to ruin my cake?
Jim West: It was either your cake or my reputation.

Cefalu: [Artie, disguised as a chef, is finishing decorating a cake] A dog would not eat that!
Artemus Gordon: Of course not; it wasn't meant for you.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Avaricious Actuary (#4.11)" (1968)
John Taney: What the devil...?
Artemus Gordon: No, sir. Secret Service.

Artemus Gordon: You know, you gentlemen are all like the young lady from Niger who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
Asa Dempster: What kind of nonsense is that?
Artemus Gordon: They returned from the ride with the lady inside, and a smile on the face of the tiger. Have a pleasant ride, gentleman.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Amnesiac (#3.22)" (1968)
Artemus Gordon: You deliver that vaccine and Jim West, maybe I'll discuss your terms.
Furman Crotty: Gordon, I'm stunned by your sentimentality. Why, you're probably the type who approves of bronze-plating baby shoes. I, of course, approving of bronze-plating the baby, but...

Artemus Gordon: Crotty, this epidemic has already reached monumental proportions. Thousands more are going to die. Don't you care how many people you kill?
Furman Crotty: They're inferior. They're the great unwashed. Plymouth Rock should have landed on the pilgrims.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Pistoleros (#4.19)" (1969)
Artemus Gordon: "Thanks, Arte"? Is that all you can say to me? I've just come back from the grave risen like Lazarus, and that's what you say? "Thanks, Arte"?
Jim West: Thanks, Arte.
Artemus Gordon: It's a pleasure.

Jim West: Did I hear big mouth correctly?
Artemus Gordon: Yup. They're going to hang you and take me with them. No hard feelings, Jim.
Jim West: I resent that.

"The Wild Wild West: Night of the Casual Killer (#1.5)" (1965)
[last lines]
James T. West: Now with all that settled we're on our way to Chicago, right?
Laurie Morgan: Wrong. I'm heading the other way. You see gentlemen like you still confuse me. Oh!
[Laurie kisses Jim]
Laurie Morgan: I guess simple girl like me should just never leave home. Bye.
[Laurie leaves and Jim waves goodbye]
James T. West: Artemus, it's going to be a long trip to Chicago.
[Artemus play "Annie Laurie" on his violin]
Artemus Gordon: James my boy, you just can't win them all.
[Jim turns to leave and Artemus plays a taunting glissando]

Artemus Gordon: Are we your prisoners, Mr. Avery?
John Maxwell Avery: Prisoners sounds so melodramatic. Let's just say that you're my guests.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Lord of Limbo (#2.15)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: By the way, what is your name?
Jim West: James. James West.
Artemus Gordon: How do you do, James? It's an odd thing, but I have this ridiculous feeling that you and I have done all this before. Isn't that ridiculous? Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it, James?
Jim West: It's not over yet. I've gone to too much trouble to find you.
Artemus Gordon: You, have too much trouble to find me.

Jim West: The Colonel is a rather unique travel agent.
Artemus Gordon: And a most unusual magician, too.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of a Thousand Eyes (#1.6)" (1965)
James T. West: I'm sorry, but under the circumstances life imprisonment is almost madatory.
Jennifer Wingate: Surely you must have some influence with the judge.
James T. West: Mmm, mmm, under the circumstances my recommendation might do some good.
Jennifer Wingate: I've already promised I will never again do any of those evil things.
James T. West: Artemus, do you believe her?
Artemus Gordon: I certainly do not.
Jennifer Wingate: How can you say that?
Artemus Gordon: Easily. I can't understand it, Jim. How can you sit there and let yourself be stung by the kiss of death?

[last lines]
Artemus Gordon: Jim... I am simply appalled. How can you even consider leniency at a time like this? This woman tried to kill you. She tried to kill both of us.
Jennifer Wingate: I've turned over a new leaf. That must count for something.
Artemus Gordon: Besides, do we know how many other monstrous crimes she may have committed?
[Jennifer kisses Artemus]
Artemus Gordon: W-Well, on the other hand, I mean, there is no need to be vindictive, either, you know. Poor little thing.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Whirring Death (#1.20)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: Come out, I am not going to hurt you.
Voltaire: No, I hurt you.
[Puch Artemus in the face]

Artemus Gordon: I didn't know you liked toys.
Jim West: Toys,no-dolls,yes.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Simian Terror (#3.23)" (1968)
Artemus Gordon: Naomi. "My sweetness". That's what Naomi means in Hebrew, did you know that?
Naomi Buckley: Really? And what does Artemus mean?
Jim West: It means "He who wastes little time".

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of Sudden Death (#1.4)" (1965)
[last lines]
[Artemus taking a bobbypin from Janet's hair]
Artemus Gordon: If I may, please. Thank you. Now, then... I ever tell you about the time I was locked in a hotel in New Orleans with nothing but a small field pack and a, uh bowie knife?
[Artemus opens the lock on the cage]
Artemus Gordon: There we are. Thank you.
Janet Coburn: Why didn't you think of this two hours ago?
Artemus Gordon: I did! Shall we dine, ladies?
[Artemus takes one girl each arm and exits the tent]

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Spanish Curse (#4.14)" (1969)
Artemus Gordon: [Explosions rock the cavern] Those are just some diversionary bombs I set off all over the place.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Surreal McCoy (#2.23)" (1967)
[West and Gordon are holed up behind a wagon, firing at a bunch of Loveless's men]
Jim West: Know where the ambassador is?
Artemus Gordon: Yeah, saloon basement. He's all right.
Jim West: Think you can find him?
Artemus Gordon: What? And leave you here all alone?
Jim West: There's only four of them.
[Artemis shoots]
Artemus Gordon: Three. Hardly seems worth your while.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Death-Maker (#3.24)" (1968)
Artemus Gordon: You know, there's only one thing that's better than California's beautiful wine.
James T. West: Mmm-hmm. It's beautiful women.
Artemus Gordon: Oh, he says everything right.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Tartar (#2.19)" (1967)
James T. West: [Later, Artie is led into the prison cell where Boyer is being kept] Mr. Boyer, I'd like you to meet my partner, Artemus Gordon.
Artemus Gordon: How do you do?
Millard Boyer: Young man, have you come to rescue me too?
Artemus Gordon: [Sheepishly] That was the idea, yes.
Millard Boyer: If President Grant sends enough men we may yet outnumber the Cossacks.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Hangman (#3.7)" (1967)
James T. West: How did you get into the Secret Service with hayfever?
Artemus Gordon: Kept it a secret.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Ready-Made Corpse (#2.11)" (1966)
James T. West: I want to check the missing person file.
Artemus Gordon: All right, Jim, now it's my turn to ask. Why?
James T. West: Because, Artie... things aren't always what they seem to be.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Golden Cobra (#2.2)" (1966)
James T. West: Whatever you do, don't go in there. There's a tiger in there.
[Artemus opens the door and close it]
Artemus Gordon: There's a tiger in there!
James T. West: Nooo...

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Egyptian Queen (#4.8)" (1968)
James T. West: Arte, why didn't you search her?
Artemus Gordon: You told me not to.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Sudden Plague (#1.28)" (1966)
Artemus Gordon: [Artie and West enter a saloon where everyone is frozen solid like statues] I've heard of people being stoned, but this is ridiculous.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Burning Diamond (#1.26)" (1966)
Thaddeus Baines: Oh by the way, where is West today? I was told you two always work together.
Artemus Gordon: Well, we always do work together. Separately.

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Legion of Death (#3.12)" (1967)
Artemus Gordon: Hey! I've got a little bone I want to pick with you.
Jim West: Me?
Artemus Gordon: Yeah, the next time - if there is a next time - do you mind not hanging around till the last minute before letting me know that you're there?
Jim West: Hey, Artie, I showed up as soon as I could!

"The Wild Wild West: The Night of the Cadre (#2.26)" (1967)
Jim West: Where are we roughly?
Artemus Gordon: I'd say about five minutes away from dying of thirst or alkali poisoning.