Colonel Sandurz
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Quotes for
Colonel Sandurz (Character)
from Spaceballs (1987)

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Spaceballs (1987)
[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.

Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!
Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
[laughs "evil"]

[Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet and the Video Operator are watching Spaceballs (1987), the movie]
Colonel Sandurz: That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward!
Video Operator: Preparing to fast-forward!
Colonel Sandurz: Fast-forward!
Video Operator: Fast-forwarding, sir!

Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow.

Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
[They close them again]

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack! On the count of three. One... two...
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.

Dark Helmet: What did you do?
Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.
Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!

Colonel Sandurz: [squeaks] Prepare ship...
[tries again, with booming voice]
Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

Self-Destruct Voice: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and forty-five seconds.
President Skroob: You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
Colonel Sandurz: I can't - it's irreversible.
President Skroob: Like my raincoat!

Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet: [Collapses]

Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*

[first lines]
Radio Operator: Colonel Sandurz!
Colonel Sandurz: What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
Radio Operator: You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: So?
Radio Operator: Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?
Radio Operator: Thanks, sir.

Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] We've passed them. Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!

Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?

Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?

President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]

Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]

Colonel Sandurz: All personnel proceed to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

President Skroob: [They hear a blowing sound] Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid sir, she gone from suck to blow.
President Skroob: Well we've got to stop it.
[to Helmet]
President Skroob: Do something!
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: [Over Intercom] Do something!