Dark Helmet
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Quotes for
Dark Helmet (Character)
from Spaceballs (1987)

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Spaceballs (1987)
[nurse exits]
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.

[upon going into "ludicrous speed"]
Dark Helmet: My brains are going into my feet!

Ape #1: [as the Spaceballs and what is left of Mega Maid land on the Planet of the Apes] Dear me. What are these things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: [One of the apes takes his binoculars out and sees Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob coming out of Mega Maid's nose] Hey, hey, hey. Watch my Helmet.
Ape #2: Spaceballs.
Ape #1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Dark Helmet: WHAT? You went over my helmet?

Dark Helmet: [Dr. Schlotkin is caught making out with his nurse assistant] Schlotkin!
Dr. Schlotkin: [pulls away from the nurse and adjusts his glasses as the nurse nervously zips the top of her dress back up] What?
Dark Helmet: We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on your putz.

[King Roland has given in to Dark Helmet's threats, and is telling him the combination to the "air shield"]
Roland: One.
Dark Helmet: One.
Colonel Sandurz: One.
Roland: Two.
Dark Helmet: Two.
Colonel Sandurz: Two.
Roland: Three.
Dark Helmet: Three.
Colonel Sandurz: Three.
Roland: Four.
Dark Helmet: Four.
Colonel Sandurz: Four.
Roland: Five.
Dark Helmet: Five.
Colonel Sandurz: Five.
Dark Helmet: So the combination is... one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

[Lord Helmet is playing with his dolls in his quarters when Col Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: WHAT?
[Helmet gathers up his dolls in the blink of an eye]
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
Dark Helmet: GOOD!
Colonel Sandurz: [Sandurz slams the door]

Colonel Sandurz: [in reference to not wanting to attack Yogurt's lair] But sir, your ring! Don't you have the schwartz too?
Dark Helmet: Nah, he got the upside, I got the downside. See there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

Dark Helmet: [looking at Mr. Coffee] What's the matter with this thing, what's all that churnning and bubbling, you call that radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir. We call it,
[slaps the machine]
Colonel Sandurz: Mr Coffee. Care for some?
[prepairs a cup for Helmet]
Dark Helmet: Yes. I always have my coffee when I watch radar, you know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course I do, sir.
Dark Helmet: [to everybody] Everybody knows that!
All the henchmen in the room: [covering their crotches] Of course we do, sir.

Dark Helmet: Ah, planet Druidia. And under that air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!
Colonel Sandurz: [Summing up the evil plan of the movie] We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shild, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.
Dark Helmet: [to camera] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: Good. When will the princess be married?
Colonel Sandurz: Within an hour, sir.
Dark Helmet: Well I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonne be a short honeymoon.
[laughs "evil"]

Dark Helmet: Raspberry. There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: Lone Star!
[camera moves in closer and closer during his dialog until it smashes into Dark Helmet and knocks him out]

Dark Helmet: What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? CHICKEN?

Dark Helmet: Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Dark Helmet: No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse!

Colonel Sandurz: Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: No you fool, we're following orders. We were told to comb the desert so we're combing it.

Dark Helmet: Yogurt! Yogurt! I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries.

[Mega-Maid's computer counts down to self-destruct]
Self-Destruct Voice: Ten... nine... eight... six...
President Skroob: Six? What happened to seven?
Self-Destruct Voice: Just kidding!
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [They growl in annoyance]
Self-Destruct Voice: [Skroob, Sandurz, and Helmet are mouthing the numbers alone with the recording] Six... five... four... three... two... one...
[they close their eyes and grimace]
Self-Destruct Voice: Have a nice day.
President Skroob, Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet: [open their eyes] Thank you.
[They close them again]

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

Dark Helmet: Prepare to attack! On the count of three. One... two...
[Eagle 5 suddenly blasts out of sight]
Dark Helmet: WAIT! What happened? Where are they?
Colonel Sandurz: [worried] I don't know sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing.

Dark Helmet: What did you do?
Colonel Sandurz: I turned off the wall.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the whole movie!
Colonel Sandurz: I must have pressed the wrong button.
Dark Helmet: Well, put it back on!

Dark Helmet: [to Col. Sandurz] Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer!

Dark Helmet: You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now let's see how well you handle it.

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!

[Dark Helmet and Lone Starr are fighting. As they are fighting, Dark Helmet takes a swing with his saber at L.S. L.S. ducks and Dark Helmet ends up cutting down a movie crewman. Both D.H and L.S. stare for a moment]
Dark Helmet: Ummmm... He did it.
Lone Starr: What?

Colonel Sandurz: [after Helmet went flying and crashed into the computers after Spaceball 1 stops] Are you alright sir?
Dark Helmet: [in a stupor] Fine. How've you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Fine sir.
Dark Helmet: [softly] Good
Colonel Sandurz: It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: [barely audible] Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What shall we do now, Sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Well why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, Sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got'em.
Dark Helmet: [Collapses]

Dark Helmet: [breathes heavily, Darth Vader-style] I can't breathe in this thing!

Dark Helmet: So, Lone Starr. Yogurt has taught you well. If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must, then I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there.
[Reaches out to shake Lone Starr's hand and instead takes his Schwartz ring]
Dark Helmet: The Ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book! What a goof! What's with you man? Come on! You know what? Here let me give it back to you.
[throws it down the grate]
Dark Helmet: Oh, look, you fell for that too! I can't believe it, man!

Colonel Sandurz: Sir hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Ah, buckle this! LUDICROUS SPEED! *GO!*

Dark Helmet: [as the ship is going into ludicrous speed] We've passed them. Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: BULLSHIT! Just stop this thing! I order you, *STOP*!

Dark Helmet: [after tearing the microphone out of the desk] Now what is it?
Radar Technician: I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps, and I've lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Technician: You know. The bleeps.
[makes bleep sound effect, making a ripple motion with his fingers]
Radar Technician: The sweeps.
[makes sweep sound. Quivers his face while doing it]
Radar Technician: And the creeps.
[makes creep sound, making little movements with his fingers]
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.

[watching himself crash into the ship's console while fast-forwarding through Spaceballs: The Movie video cassette]
Dark Helmet: No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.

[after their Schwartz sabers get twisted]
Dark Helmet: Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

[as Lone Starr dodges laser blasts from Dark Helmet's Schwartz]
Dark Helmet: Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this isn't the Wild World of Sports.

Dark Helmet: [Helmet is going to enter an escape pod when a fat woman reaches it first] Hey hey hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?
Bearded Lady: [in gravelly voice] I'm the bearded lady! Who are you, one of the freaks?
[bumps Helmet away, boards the escape pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: [Helmet up at the window] Wait, wait! No!
Bearded Lady: [escape pod blasts away]
Dark Helmet: Come back you fat bearded bitch!

Radar Technician: [Into raspy-sounding intercom] Sir?
Colonel Sandurz: What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?
Colonel Sandurz: [Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz approach the Radar Technician] Well?
Radar Technician: [Into the intercomm] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Colonel Sandurz: [Putting the intercomm microphone back] You don't need that, private; we're right here. Now, what is it?
Radar Technician: [Raspy-sounding intercomm voice] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
Dark Helmet: [Tears the microphone out of the deck and throws it aside] Now, what is it?

Colonel Sandurz: Try here. Stop.
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?

President Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [aside to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.

President Skroob: Did it work? Where's the king?
Dark Helmet: It worked, sir. We have the combination.
President Skroob: Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia. What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5
President Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes!
President Skroob: That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.
Dark Helmet, Colonel Sandurz: [looks at each other]

Dark Helmet: [appearing in the room, lifting up his visor] I can't breathe in this thing.
Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Radio Operator: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Radio Operator: Well not exactly over, sir... more to the side - I'll always call you first, it will never happen again, never, ever.
[Helmet gets out his Schwartz ring]
Radio Operator: Oh, shit. No, no, no. No, please, please, no.
[covering his neck]
Radio Operator: Not that.
Dark Helmet: [lowers his visor] Yes, that.
[aims the beam at the operator's crotch, as the operator agonizes in pain]

Dark Helmet: [playing with his dolls]
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice]
Dark Helmet: No, no, please leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, you are mine!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Not so fast, Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Lone Starr!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Yes, its me. I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now you are going to die! Pfffsh!
Dark Helmet: [in Lone Starr voice] Oh, oh... OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] Hey, what did you do to my friend?
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy!
Dark Helmet: [in Barf voice] OH! OH!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] And you too!
Dark Helmet: [in Dot voice] Owww! Ah!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Now Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, I hate you I hate you I hate you leave me alone! - yet, I find you strangely attractive.
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have BOTH, and YOU KNOW IT!
Dark Helmet: [in Vespa voice] Oh, oh, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [in Dark Helmet voice] No, kiss me!
[cuts between their voices]
Dark Helmet: Oh, oh, no, yes, no, NO, yes, ah, ah, ah ahhhhh... oh, your helmet is so big...

Dark Helmet: [after finding that the 'Self Destruct Cancellation' button has yet to be installed] Out of order? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!

Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, hey! That's my escape pod! Who are you?
Bearded Lady: I'm the Bearded Lady. Who are you, one of the freaks?
Dark Helmet: [the Bearded Lady belly bumps Dark Helmet out of the way and takes the escape pod] Dammit! That's my pod! No! Come back you fat, bearded bitch!

President Skroob: [They hear a blowing sound] Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid sir, she gone from suck to blow.
President Skroob: Well we've got to stop it.
[to Helmet]
President Skroob: Do something!
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: [Over Intercom] Do something!

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Revenge of the Sithee (#1.1)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: Now I know why they call them knockers...

Skroob: From now on, you shall be known as... Dark Helmet.
Dark Helmet: [heavy breathing] Thank you master. I will never take this helmet off. Never.

Skroob: [Finding Dark Helmet unconscious] Dark Helmet, get up! We gotta work on the taxes!
Dark Helmet: [dizzy] Texas?
Skroob: Taxes! Taxes!

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Watch Your Assic Park (#1.4)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: [wearing a fez] He took my helmet as a souvenir. Now all I have is this felt helmet.

Princess Vespa: Look, Skroob, why don't you tell us what your evil plan is so we can speed things along here.
President Skroob: Ok, fair enough. Helmet?
Dark Helmet: Hm?
President Skroob: Prepare the expositional film strip.

President Skroob: Helmet, what the hell's Lone Starr doing here?
Dark Helmet: Eh, He's won fan of the day, sir.
President Skroob: Fan of the day? So you're saying it's a coincidence he's here?
Dark Helmet: The episode had to start somehow.

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Mighty Meteor (#1.7)" (2008)
President Skroob: The Mighty Meteor? You gotta be kidding. I can barely see it. Helmet, what the hell is this, a model?
Dark Helmet: I'm afraid it's the real McCoy, sir.
President Skroob: The Real McCoy, why is it so small?
Dark Helmet: Budget cuts, your Scroobness. We've spent all our money fighting unwinnable wars. This meteor is all we can afford.

President Skroob: Helmet, I refuse to work with Indiots. I have my limits, you know.
Dark Helmet: But Sir, any indiot can do this job.

Dark Helmet: The meteor appears to have stopped moving, Sir.
President Skroob: Ah, so it's going about the same speed as your brain now, huh? Parked.

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Deep Ship (#1.11)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: Your ass is our hero.

Dark Helmet: How long can a Mawg hold it's breath?
Lone Starr: As long as the suspence builds.

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Spaceballs of the Caribbean (#1.8)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Lone Starr and... and gypsy girl?
Barf: Not gypsy, pirate!
Dark Helmet: Oh? What's your name, Pirate girl?
Barf: Black Barf.
Dark Helmet: Sound like what happened after I ate too much lickorice.

Dark Helmet: Why are you dressed like that?
President Skroob: Well, it's a matter of budget. It seems we can only afford one costume per episode

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Outbreak (#1.5)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: Somebody better figure out something. Mount St. Barf looks ready to spew!

Lone Starr: It's a long shot, but it might be our only shot.
Dark Helmet: Wow Lone Starr, where did you get that line from? Every movie ever?

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Grand Theft Starship (#1.2)" (2008)
President Skroob: From now on, I want all our evil plans to stop at phase one. We've got an enlarging ray, wonderful, maybe we could do other stuff with it, I could use it late at night, who knows...
Dark Helmet: Eh, I'm sorry, it only works on ants.

Dark Helmet: [Skroob and Helmet are stuck on an empty black grid] Where the smeg are we?

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: Lord of the Onion Rings (#1.3)" (2008)
Dark Helmut: Huh? Yogurt, how did you get in here?
Yogurt: The Tower Isn't Guarded.
Dark Helmut: The tower isn't guarded?
Yogurt: Nope, the Tower Isn't Guarded isn't guarded.

"Spaceballs: The Animated Series: The Skroobinator (#1.10)" (2008)
Dark Helmet: I can see your Schwarz is as firm as ever. But it's no match for mine.