Professor Julius Kelp
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Quotes for
Professor Julius Kelp (Character)
from The Nutty Professor (1996)

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Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)
Sherman Klump: Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond: I.
Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?

[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman: Denise will you...
Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band: [singing] Put his beef in your taco!
Denise: What?
Sherman: [Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
Sherman: That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
Denise: Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
Sherman: Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
Mexican band: [singing] A big ole whopper right now!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're sick!
Sherman: Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
[Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
Sherman: Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!

Grandma Klump: Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?

[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
Papa Klump: Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?

[the chorus just finished singing 'Happy Day']
Ernie Klump: Happy day, happy day, happy day, my ass.

Mama Klump: [Answering door] Oh my, goodness! Is there a fire?
Fireman Stripper: Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
Mama Klump: I don't smell no smoke.
Fireman Stripper: [Walks in and beings playing music from stereo] There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
[begins stripping]
Party Guest, Party Guest, Bridesmaid, Denise: Ooh!
[laugh and clap]
Mama Klump: Ooh! Lord, have mercy! A strip - Oh, my! My mother must've arranged this!

Grandma Klump: Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!

Papa Klump: Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.

Papa Klump: You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.
Papa Klump: Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!
Sherman Klump: Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!
Papa Klump: Yeah! That's right!
Sherman Klump: If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!
Papa Klump: Dynamite! Go and call the girl!
Sherman Klump: No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!
Papa Klump: Say what?
Sherman Klump: If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!
Papa Klump: Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!
Sherman Klump: I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!
Papa Klump: Huh? Say what now?
Sherman Klump: That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!
Papa Klump: What are you gonna eat? Sherman!

Jason: You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!

Jason: Professor? You okay?
Sherman Klump: Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Jason: Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
Sherman Klump: You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.

Denise: Sherman you're very special to me.
Sherman Klump: [laughs, embarrassed and flattered] I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
Denise: Big.
Sherman Klump: Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
Denise: Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
Sherman Klump: Okay, I'll see you soon.
[she leaves]
Sherman Klump: [to himself] My goodness.

Papa Klump: Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You look like a roast chicken!

Sherman Klump: [to Denise] I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
Denise: Sherman...
Sherman Klump: Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...
Denise: Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!
Papa Klump: C'mon, can't you hear, son?
Denise: [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?
Sherman Klump: [without memory] Pretty lady!
Denise: [sobbing] Oh, honey!
[hugs Sherman]
Denise: It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
Sherman Klump: [gleefully, at same time] Oh, that's nice! Nice.
Papa Klump: Come on, let's get the boy home.
Sherman Klump: Nice lady!

Buddy Love: Sherman Klump. Well, you still eat those happy meals, you haven't changed a bit. You remember me, it's Buddy Love, we both used to chase that girl Carla at the same time.
Sherman Klump: Miss Purty and I were just friends.
Buddy Love: Just friends, huh?
[Looks at Denise]
Buddy Love: Well, who's your new friend? Oh you're fine. What's your name?

Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!

Papa Klump: [to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant] Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?

Sherman Klump: Um, sir, if it makes you feel any better, Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine.
Dean Richmond: Oh yeah? D'YOU THINK HE'LL CALL?
Sherman Klump: Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm - I'm sorry...
Dean Richmond: STOP... SPEAKING!
Sherman Klump: I just want to go on record as saying that -
Dean Richmond: Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years. And here it is: You're FAT!
Dean Richmond: And dumb...!
[Denise enters the room]
Dean Richmond: ...and fired.
[Dean Richmond leaves]

Papa Klump: [after Denise finds out about Buddy Love] What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?

The Nutty Professor (1996)
Papa Klump: [When Sherman is 'fighting' Buddy on the stage] Someone had better go and call the exorcist!

Mama Klump: When the good Lord made you, He made you beautiful inside and out.

Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.

[Professor Sherman Klump grunts and groans trying to fit his obese frame into an office chair; he finally gets comfortable and sighs with relief]
Dean Richmond: Comfy?
Sherman Klump: Quite.
Dean Richmond: Anything I can get for you? Juice? Coffee? Rack of lamb?
Sherman Klump: No, sir, I'm fine.

Papa Klump: You can sew up your stomach and your asshole and you will always be fat.

Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus! It aint nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I aint no easy win, nigga!

Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, nevermind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.

Mama Klump: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

Buddy Love: Tank ass!
Sherman Klump: Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love: Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump: Featherweight!

Grandma Klump: I know a good church down there on Main Street, but they won't marry you if you're a lesbian.

[Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I can explain. My research is, um... Well, when I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. Life isn't about being happy with how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
[to Carla]
Sherman Klump: Sorry.

Sherman Klump: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.

Professor Carla Purty: I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
Sherman Klump: Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.

Lance: You're not pathetic! People! Pounds do not lose themselves! You have to work! Work! Work! Everybody up! Get up! You, too, at home. Everybody up and say...
Lance: Yes, I can!
Lance: Say it again.
Lance: Yes, I can!
Sherman Klump: [determined] Yes, I can!
[stomps on the floor]
Sherman Klump: Yes, I can! Yes...!
Mr. Wilson: Quiet down, damn it!
Sherman Klump: Sorry 'bout that down there, Mr. Wilson!
Mr. Wilson: Klump, shut up!
Sherman Klump: [sets to work] I can!

The Nutty Professor (1963)
Professor Julius Kelp: Well, just don't do something, sit there!

Gym Attendant: Are you hurt?
Professor Julius Kelp: Well, if a man with an ulcer and a splinter in his finger and a nail in his foot was then struck by lightning, if you could say that man was not hurt then yes you could say I'm not hurt.

Dr. Hamius R. Warfield: Now try to understand that I understand, that scientists and creators have their little eccentricities. Einstein hated hair cuts, Da Vinci love to paint, and Newton...
Professor Julius Kelp: He had something to do with figs, didn't he?

Professor Julius Kelp: And to me, Carbon Dioxide,
[as Buddy]
Professor Julius Kelp: Has always been a gas.
[Stella looks up shocked]
Professor Julius Kelp: [as Professor Kelp] No I didn't mean that, Yes actually...
[as Buddy]
Professor Julius Kelp: Actually it kinda swings and...
[He faked a cough]

Professor Julius Kelp: And I think that the lesson that I learned came just in time. I don't want to be something that I'm not. I didn't like being someone else. At the same time I'm very glad I was cause I found out something that I never knew. You might as well like yourself. Just think about all the time you're going to have to spend with you. And if you don't think too much of yourself, how do you expect others to?

Professor Julius Kelp: [after being helped off the shelf of a closet] Thank you, Miss Purdy.
Stella Purdy: Are you all right, Professor?
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh yes, I... this is very embarrassing, Miss Purdy.
Stella Purdy: Why don't you call me Stella, Professor.
Professor Julius Kelp: Oh, I thought it was Stella Purdy. Oh, you mean to call you Stella. Yes. How stupid of me. Sorry. All right, I will, stupid. Uh, Stella.

The Nutty Professor (2008) (V)
[repeated line]
Julius Kelp: How's that engine of yours coming along?