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: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself? Miranda
: Yes, I did. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Oh, it reeks of taste!
: [describes the benefits of having Mrs. Doubtfire
] We're all doing so great. Daniel
: Ohh. Sounds like an amazing woman; too good to be true.
: We're his goddamn kids too.
[Miranda gives Daniel a dirty look
] Heh heh, kids say the darnedest things. Miranda
] Thank you. Any other choice phrases you'd like to teach our five year old, Daniel?
: May I see the ad? Miranda, I just want to look at the ad, I have a right as their father. Miranda
: Fine. Here. Anything else you wanna see? Daniel
: Are you offering? Miranda
: Not any more. Daniel
: What's the change?
: Ma'am, are you aware that it's against the law to possess animals of a barnyard nature in a residential area? Miranda
: What if you're married to one?
: I bring home a birthday cake and a few gifts. You bring home the goddamn San Diego Zoo and I have to clean up after it!
: Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire
] What? Miranda
: You're going into the men's room. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses.
: Well, let's take a little vacation together with the kids, and get you away from work. You're a different person. You really are. You're great. Miranda
: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back. Daniel
: Well, we'll move. That way our problems won't follow us. Miranda
: Daniel, please don't joke. We're far apart. We're different. We have nothing in common. Daniel
: Sure we do. We love each other. Come on, Miranda, we love each other... Don't we? Miranda
: I want a divorce.
: I don't do laundry, I don't do windows, I don't do carpets, I don't do bathtubs, I don't do toilets, I don't do diapers... Miranda
: Um, my children have been potty-trained for quite some time. Mrs. Dupree
: Well, I don't do washing, I don't do basements, I don't do dinners, and I don't do reading!
[Miranda shows Mrs. Dupree to the door and gives Lydie the "slitting your throat" gesture as she walks away; Lydie checks Mrs. Dupree's name off the list
: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad? Daniel
: Uh-huh Miranda
: Tell me, who was your previous employer? Daniel
: I was in a band, 'Severe Tire Damage'. Miranda
: In a band? Daniel
: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need like, a few light slams every now and then? Miranda
: Umm, I'll have to get back to you. Daniel
] The whole time? I mean the whole time? Miranda
] The whole time?
: What happened? Mrs. Doubtfire
: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him. Miranda
: How awful. He was an alcoholic? Mrs. Doubtfire
: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
: Are you OK? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Oh, I thought I saw Clint Eastwood, that would make my day! He is such a stud muffin!
: Marriage can be such a blessing. Miranda
: So can divorce.
: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10? Miranda
: Well, that part was always... okay. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston. Miranda
: What was the matter with Winston? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh. Mrs. Doubtfire
: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter. Miranda
: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Why? Miranda
: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep. Mrs. Doubtfire
] Really? Miranda
: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear? Miranda
: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.
: [about Stu
] Isn't he fabulous? Mrs. Doubtfire
: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny. Miranda
: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions. Miranda
: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples. Mrs. Doubtfire
: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright? Miranda
: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Oh, certainly, dear. Miranda
: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Never. Miranda
: Never? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Never again. Miranda
: Never again? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy. Miranda
: Celibacy? Mrs. Doubtfire
: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.
: [talking about his apartment
] I was going kind of a refugee motif. You know, "fleeing my homeland" kind of thing. But look at you. This lovely Dances With Wolves motif. What's your Indian name, Shops With A Fist? Miranda
: Are my children ready yet? Daniel
: No, our children are not ready yet. Because you are an hour early and you were late dropping them off.
: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all. Miranda
: Who needs a husband when I've got you?
: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a German accent
] Yeah, my name is Elsa Emmelman, and I want to know how many children do you have. Miranda
: I have two girls and a boy. Daniel
: Oh, a boy... I don't "werk" with the males, 'cause I used to be one. Miranda
: [hangs up
: [Answering the phone
] Hello? Daniel
: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad, this time with a southern drawl
] ... Aaaaaargh! Laila, get back into your cell! Don't make me get the hose! Hello?
: [Posing as a caller for the housekeeper ad
] I am job. Miranda
: Do you speak English? Daniel
: I am job. Miranda
: I'm sorry, the position has been filled.
: What a nightmare!