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: I'm a very understanding person, Albert. I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase.
: I was artificially inseminated. James
: Are you a lesbo?
: Mind if I borrow some of this?
[takes Mikey's bottle and pours the milk into his coffee cup
: Thank a lot, man.
: Hey, you know, that's breast milk. James
: [spits out coffee
] Really, now?
[turns to Mikey
: Why didn't you tell me? Mikey
: Hey, man, you're on your own.
: I look like a Russ Meyer movie!
: Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you? Mollie
: This is not my figure! James
: Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back!
: You don't look so hot. Mollie
: Why don't you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look? James
: Ouch! Guess I'd better call my mother more often!
: Don't touch me! I'm going to have this baby without you touching me!
: I know this may be hard to understand, but I'm going through a selfish phase right now. Mollie
: A selfish phase? Albert
: I admit the timing is bad.
: He has my eyes. Mollie
: I know he does. You don't know how confusing it is when someone you love so much looks like someone you hate.
: That's it! You have some exotic baby disease, and I look like I could play the lead in "Night of the Living Dead", and your father deserted us so that he could pork his interior decorator. I think you can safely say that it can't get any worse. Rosie
: [coming through the front door
] Hello-o! Mollie
: I was wrong.
: What? Mollie
: Ma, I thought you'd be happy. Rosie
: How could you do such a thing? Mollie
: It was easy. I went to the clinic and got some frozen sperm. I brought it home, defrosted it, inserted it, and... and I'm pregnant. Rosie
: So that's it? Now you and the frozen pop are having a baby. Mollie
: Ma, it's not a frozen pop. Rosie
: It's not a husband. (Looks at her husband). Louie, you hear this? Mollie
: Ma, you were the one who told me that I could control my life, and I made a decision. I want to have a baby. Rosie
: I don't understand this. This is the kind of thing a girl does if she's very ugly or a lesbian. This is not the act of a beautiful, intelligent girl who can have any man she wants. Mollie
: Ma, you never liked any of my boyfriends anyway. Rosie
: Where did the sperm come from? I mean, who's the supplier? Mollie
: A medical student. Rosie
: And? Mollie
: He goes to Colombia. His parents live on the island. His father's in piece goods, his mother works for a cosmetics firm. Ma, she'd get you a great discount. Rosie
: So you're making fun of me, huh? You'll see. Someday, you'll have children.
: Where are the parachutes? James
: Parachutes? There are no parachutes. Mollie
: No parachutes? Didn't you ever see 'Sweet Dreams'? 'The Buddy Holly Story'? 'La Bamba'? James
: There's a big difference. They're, like, rock legends, and we're not.
: I'm sorry that I made you wear that stupid outfit, and I'm sorry that you had to meet that MEAN MAN. You'll never have to see him again. You know what I don't get? Every time I take you somewhere, everyone says how cute you are, and how crazy they are about you? Mikey
: Naturally. Mollie
: Then, the one person who has the genetic bondage treats you like a jerk. Here, let me dry it now. Everyone loves you. All the kids at the playground love you, Ma loves you, Rona loves you, everybody at work loves you, James loves you... Mikey, do you love James?
[Mikey picks up a toy telephone
: Give him a call. Mollie
: What, honey? You want to play telephone? Mikey
: Call him.
: So you're the one who was kicking me. Mikey
: Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.
: Look at all those daddies down there. They're making goofball faces and taking pictures of their babies.
[Looks at Mikey
: . Well, you won't find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I don't want you to be upset, because I'm going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I'm going to be smart about it. I'm not going to go for some handsome guy just because I'm in love with him. You're the only thing that matters to me, and I'm going to go out there and I'm going to get you the best daddy there is.
[Mikey says Daddy
: He- he said Daddy! Mollie
: I think he called you Daddy. Mikey
] No, I'm talking to hear myself say it!
: I think you should try some of that Nobel Prize winner sperm. Rona
: Get outta here. Nobel Prize winners ejaculating in jars? Mollie
: Well, give it a shot. Don't you want a smart baby? Rona
: That's all I need. A baby telling me what an IDIOT I am. Like I don't get enough of that at work?
: Beth has finally agreed to a divorce. Oh, Mollie I'm so glad you waited. Mollie
: [greatly aged
] I knew that if I was patient, this day would come.
: Ma, what would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him? Rosie
: I wouldn't have fallen in love. Mollie
: Well, you can't control who you fall in love with. Rosie
: Why not? Mollie
: You just can't! Rosie
: Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food? Together
: Cheesecake. Rosie
: What did Dr. Slocum tell him? Mollie
: Cut back on cholesterol. Rosie
: So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.
: Aw, I look like a big fat pilgrim.
: I'm so lucky. I can't believe I managed to find a nice, handsome family man. Rona
: Yeah, except it's someone else's family.
: Remember how Albert's shrink said that Beth would never get better as long as he kept seeing me? Rona
: Yeah, a million times. Mollie
: Well, he's decided to leave her. Rona
: Albert's leaving his wife? Mollie
: No, he's leaving his shrink. And that's really a good thing, because she was really starting to become an obstacle with us.
: Look, you gotta use Lamaze. It works. My sister-in-law used it. You don't use drugs, and it's better for the kid. Mollie
: You know, the only people who say stupid things like that are men, because they're idiots!
: Hey, slow down! The first stages of labor can take hours! James
: Yeah, so can the mid-town traffic!
: Rona, if there wasn't such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father? Rona
: Someone with a small mouth and good hair. Broad shoulders... Mollie
: No, no, I'm talking about, what kind of a man would you want to stick around and help raise your child? Rona
: There's a man who'd do that?
: [returning her purse
] You never look through that thing, do you? Mollie
: Why do you say that? James
: 'Cause you're still carrying around your diaphragm.
: Screwing with the mail is a federal offense. James
: Stealing mail's a federal offense, not screwing with it.
: I teach. Mollie
: What do you teach? Taxi Driver's Ed?
: Don't smoke that around my baby! Don't you know there's a sixty-two percent higher rate of getting cancer for non-smokers who live with smokers? James
: What are you trying to say? You don't want me to move in yet, or what?
: All right, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a guy who's not married, not into drugs, not an alcoholic, not a deadbeat, but not somebody that works twenty hours a day. Rona
: And cute. Mollie
: Cute is not a consideration.
: Dr. Spock does not just want to sell a book! Dr. Spock loves us. During the Vietnam War, Dr. Spock was out protesting in the streets! James
: God, I'm sorry I said anything about Dr. Spock, okay.
: I can't believe she's getting that upset about a Vulcan. Big ears, no emotions, right?
: [on phone
] I'd like to report a missing baby. I mean, I don't actually know if he's missing. Maybe he was kidnapped. Or maybe he's just with a person who is a *complete* idiot.
[Molly learns to fly
: Oh, what a good sensation! James
: It's like great sex, isn't it? Mollie
: I personally wouldn't remember.
: If we ever got back together I'm afraid I would have to torture you for the rest of your life. Albert
: Oh, that's okay. I want you to.
: Oh, baby, I have myself a hot date tonight. Mollie
: You better call your hot date, because I don't know how late I'm going to be. James
] Oh, yeah, right. You're going out with an accountant, right? Mollie
: Yes. James
: Nine-thirty, tops. Mollie
: Don't count on it.
: I don't know who I love. And you know something, it doesn't make any difference, because the only thing that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, he's responsible, and he's real good to his *other* kids. James
: I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push other guys away, and now you're doing it to me! That's it! I've had it! Now get out! Mollie
: I live here! James
: I know it!
[pauses, then slams out the door
: You get everything for free. Free long distance phone calls, free lunches. I think you're sort of a scam artist. James
: I know. I got the town wired, don't I? Baby, think about it. If we were poor, we could still live like kings.
: You spent forty years with a man who looked good in a uniform? Ma, you had no idea if he was a mature, responsible person! Rosie
: If I thought like that, we wouldn't have gotten through the first week. And that was some week!
: [sees Mikey making a face
] Is he taking a dump? Mollie
: No, he's thinking real hard!
[Mollie has gone into labor, and is trying to get a cab to the hospital
: Excuse me, I'm in labor. Cab Stealer
: I was here first!
: I've raised my kids. Mollie
: Raised them? They're 11 and 9. Don't tell me they've moved out and gotten jobs already!
: Slow down with your breathing FUCK MY BREATHING
: Do you have a picture of Mickey?
[she is impatient at Albert getting their son's name wrong more than once
: Grandpa, did you eat all these candy bars today? Grandpa
: What candy? The bastards STOLE my candy!
: Grandpa, what's going on? Grandpa
: Look, I'm a hostage. Burly Orderly
: He's not a hostage. He's a *mean* old bastard! You see what he did to my arm? And he gave the nurse a black eye!
: [Albert is feeling up Mollie's leg
] Al-Albert, stop. Albert, I can't do this anymore. Albert
: Mollie, I love you, and you love me. I know you do. Mollie
: Of course I love you, Albert. You're a wonderful father. You're great in bed, and you're my biggest account. But you're married. And I will never fall in love with anyone else as long as I'm seeing you, so think you should just work with a different accountant.
: No... oh, no! Dr. Fleisher
: Yes. Mollie
: No! Dr. Fleisher
: I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy. Mollie
: This wasn't even a planned affair.
: My doctor says my breathing's fine. Albert
: You have to do what's best for the baby. When Beth was pregnant... Mollie
: Oh I am so SICK of hearing about Beth! Beth Beth Beth Beth! I'm having a hard time figuring out how you could be in love with her and then in love with someone like me. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to make out a will, when Beth had the girls she got a reading of their past lives!
: Oh Mom, don't talk about sex with daddy.
: Ha ha ha ha.
: Oh God, Mollie, I'm going to burst if you don't kiss me. Mollie
: [comes home to see a mess
] What happened? James
: Who's Albert? Mollie
: Why, was he here? James
: Is he Mikey's father? Mollie
: What? James
: You lied to me about the artificial insemination crap, didn't you? Mollie
: He was married. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. James
: Do you love him? Do you? Mollie
: [James turns Mollie around
] What? James
: Do you love him? Mollie
: I don't know. I don't know who I love. And you know something? It doesn't make any difference because all that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, responsible, and he's real good to his other kids. James
] I don't want him seeing Mikey anymore. Mollie
: Oh no, now don't start pulling this on me! He's his son and he has a right to see him anytime he wants to! James
: Where the hell has he been all year?
: This has nothing to do with you! YOU are not his father! James
: Well I'm the closest thing that he's got to it. Mollie
: Oh please, look at you. You're like a big kid. Oh what, you really think you're responsible enough to be a father? James
: Responsible? You call getting pregnant by a married guy "responsible?" Oh that's good. Mollie
: Stop it! James
: You stop! Mollie
: YOU stop it! James
: No, you stop! I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push guys away and now you're doing it to me! Now that's it, I've had it! NOW GET OUT! Mollie
: I live here! James
: I know it!
[pauses then leaves
: [referring to Albert
] We're gonna go see Daddy today! Mikey
] Oh great, I was just thinking about James. Mollie
: You HAVE to look fantastic.
[holds up two baby outfits
: Which do you think, the blue or the lamb? Mikey
: Well, neither - they both look pretty lame. Mollie
: The lamb, right? Mikey
: Not "lamb." "LAME."
: [Mollie slams Mikey's poopy diaper onto the desk
] Now it's shit!
: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, and she moved to Queens. The end. Julie Ubriacco
: That's not a story! Mollie
: It is tonight. Good night.
: James. James
: What? Mollie
: Don't tell jokes. James
: I'm funny! Mollie
: You *are* funny, honey, in sort of a... James
: Corny. Mollie
: Corny, kind of funny.
: When he gets nervous, he gets completely honest. That is a major business liability.
: Most little girls are obsessed with ponies and mermaids, not big sweaty men making jump shots. Should we be worried? Mike! James
: Well, it's the Suns, honey. If it were the Mavericks, I'd be worried.
: Mike, what do you think of this suit? Mikey Ubriacco
: You look like my principal. James
: See? Even he thinks it's stupid. Mollie
: *He* is not offering you a dental plan.
: Honey, this isn't me. I wanna be myself. Mollie
: Okay, you're not gonna get this job if you're yourself.
: [opening pay envelope
] Pink! Mine's pink today... how festive!
[reads paper, faints
: No, I'm a Vulcan. Want a death grip?
: [Mollie is calling Mr Conti to locate her husband and Samantha through a noisy office party
] Mr Conti's Secretary
: Mr. Conti's office? WHAT cabin? I'm sorry, there must be some mistake. Mr Conti is in the Bahamas with his family-EEEEEEEE Mr Conti's Secretary
: [gets prodded in a ticklish area by a playful workmate, laughs zealously
: [Mollie is confronting a wolf
] Julie Ubriacco
: [from the car
] Mommy found another doggie!
: [after he and James have brought Rocks home and have seen Daphne for the first time
] I like Rocks better... James
: [putting his hand over Mikey's mouth
] A dog! A dog! Finally a dog! We'll playw ith your Rocks later. Mikey Ubriacco
] Okay, no problem Mollie
: As I was just telling Samantha, there's no way we'd take her precious baby away.
[as Samantha leaves room, she grabs James and gives him a suspicious look
: [citing the 'dog school' Daphne attended
] Radcliffe, honey, Radcliffe!
: [dressed up like an elf
] I need to get these shoes off, my toes are curling.
: [on the phone
] Oh yeah? Well Merry Christmas you bimbo!
: You want to open another one of your presents? Mikey Ubriacco
: It's probably just more stupid clothes. Mollie
: Well you know what? If it weren't for them you'd be freezing your little tushie off right now. Julie Ubriacco
: Mike, this is a potty okay? Now when you wanna take a piss ... Mollie Ubriacco
: Don't say piss. James Ubriacco
: Okay, when you wanna take a whiz ... Mollie Ubriacco
: Ugh! James Ubriacco
: What? "See a man about a horse"? "Drain the snake"? What do you want me to say? Mollie Ubriacco
: Pee-pee. James Ubriacco
: Pee-pee is such a wimp word.
: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis. James Ubriacco
: But she's got some set of balls!
: Why is it that every time drink out of the milk carton, I get a lecture, but Travis Bickle moves in with a semi-automatic weapon, and it's okay? Mollie Ubriacco
: A little unloaded gun makes him feel better. James Ubriacco
: Makes him feel better? Why doesn't he go to the top of the Empire State Building and shoot student nurses? Maybe that'll make him feel better. Mollie Ubriacco
: This is New York. Women carry unloaded guns in their purses.
: Isn't that great, honey! Your brother went pee-pee Julie
: Big deal. I made a doody!
: When you wanna take a pee-pee okay you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out
[Pretends to unzip his fly
] Mollie Ubriacco
: Oh come on James Ubriacco
: What? Mikey
: Dad, who's kidding who huh? James Ubriacco
: And the same token, when you wanna take a dump Mollie Ubriacco
: Poo-poo Mikey
: This is a joke right? James Ubriacco
: I know it sounds disgusting Mike but you know you gotta trust me on this okay Mikey
: Let me get this straight you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?
: [Mikey and Julie come down on the elvator
] How did you get down here? Mikey
: We just walked. Julie
: Technically, I was pushed.
: He has to go to bed early tonight because I'm taking him to baby gym tomorrow. James Ubriacco
: Oh not baby gym! Mollie Ubriacco
: He needs to socialize with other kids. James Ubriacco
: Well take him to the park. Mollie Ubriacco
: I'm not taking him to the park anymore! Do you know what he did today? He picked up a crack pipe! James Ubriacco
: Well throw it out. Mollie Ubriacco
: Do you have any idea how many disease he could get from that?
: Mommy is a girl, so I don't have a penis. James Ubriacco
: But she's got some set of balls. Mollie Ubriacco
: But Daddy is a big... Mikey