Roy O'Bannon
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Quotes for
Roy O'Bannon (Character)
from Shanghai Noon (2000)

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Shanghai Knights (2003)
Roy: [as it starts raining] Oh, this country blows.

Doyle: I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard.
[Cut to Roy and Chon in a cell at Scotland Yard]
Roy: This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!

Roy: Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.
Fagin #1: Well, there's a load of us, and only two of you, so piss off!
Roy: Easy fellas, you lost one war this way, don't make the same mistake twice.

[why Chon should sleep with the woman for money]
Roy: Think about your sister in London.
Chon Wang: What?

Roy: That's a terrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes?

Chon Wang: It's a puzzle box. I don't know how to open it.
Roy: What do you mean, you don't know how to open it? You just get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says.
Chon Wang: No. I must have patience. By the time I'm able to open it, I will be ready to read the message.
Roy: Oh, come on, Confucius, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard!

Roy: Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"

Roy: I call that my kung pow chicken.

Roy: [in London] Hey, I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs, these people don't get it!

Roy: I'm gettin' ready to launch a little thing called operation sweep her off her feet.

Roy: [to Chon Lin] You have a GREAT body. There! I said it! It's out in the open!

Roy: Ooooh... You think you're so cool with your karate... and your child-like reflexes!

Roy: Look at you!
Chon Wang: Look at you!
Roy: What brings you to New York?
Chon Wang: My share of the gold.
Roy: Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?

Chon Wang: We are wasting time.
Roy: What do you think I've been doing? Sittin' here and drinking expensive hooch?
[to Charlie]
Roy: Boy, refill.

Chon Wang: I look like a fool.
Roy: What? You're a Maharajah! That's Indian royalty!
Chon Wang: But I'm Chinese.
Roy: It's the same thing.

Roy: So what did your dad do? Was he an imperial guard?
Chon Wang: No, much more important. He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.
Roy: That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!

Roy: And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.

Roy: I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.

Chon Wang: Wu Chow!
Roy: Wu who?

Roy: I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?

Chon Wang: For father.
Chon Lin: For father.
Roy: For Old Man Wang.

Roy: Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.

Chon Wang: If you break her heart, I break your legs.
Roy: That's fair.

Roy: There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.
Chon Wang: Chon Wang...
[sounds like "John Wayne"]
Chon Wang: star? It could work.

Roy: [about Lin] Put her down! Put her down!
Lord Rathbone: Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?
[American accent]
Lord Rathbone: Are you gonna kick my ass?
[normal voice]
Lord Rathbone: I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just, how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel.
Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me...
[Wu Chow whacks him on the side of the head with a cane]
Roy: AH! Why is it always the head with you people?

Roy: You decadent Philistine!

Roy: I'm guessing by your hasty retreat, that you're still 20th in line for the throne.
Lord Rathbone: [irritated] 10th!

Roy: [after waking up to a sheep licking his face] I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!

Chon Lin: [after kissing Roy] Be careful.
Roy: Tell Rathbone to be careful!

Server: Spotted dick, sir?
Roy: What?
Server: Spotted dick?
Roy: Can you believe this guy? I'm trying to get something to eat and he's asking me if I got the clap.

Chon Wang: What do you see?
Roy: He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk.
Chon Wang: That was my father's! I must avenge his honor.
Roy: Slow down, Tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me.

Roy: Damnit, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience!

Chon Wang: Roy! The painting! It's looking at me!
Roy: Oh yeah, it looks like it's looking at me too. That's great.

[Roy sees the eyes in the painting move]
Roy: Ah! Chon! Demons!

Roy: She's gonna fight my battles for me.

Roy: Wait, there's something different about this room.

Chon Wang: Slow down, slow down!
Roy: I'm a bat out of hell! Besides, I don't know where the brake is.

Roy: Can I tell you something?
Chon Wang: What?
Roy: This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on and I'm having an absolute ball with you.

Chon Wang: Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy?
Roy: A whole lot of "leave me alone."

Roy: You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message.

Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make.
Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister?
Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.
Chon Wang: No?
Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.
Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them.
Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.
Chon Wang: You wrote those lies?
Roy: I've always had low self-esteem.
Chon Wang: How many books did you print?
Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.

Doyle: You look ridiculous.
Roy: I think we look good.

[to Charlie]
Roy: I am gonna break your neck.

Roy: So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.

Doyle: It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards.
Roy: Well, not with that attitude, we won't.

Roy: Lord, help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're up there.
Roy: Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow.

Roy: Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.

[after opening the puzzle box]
Roy: It's just a rock with some gibberish on it!
Chon Wang: It's Chinese!

Roy: Well, what's in it for you?
Lord Rathbone: Your looking at the future king of England.
Roy: You're, like, 20th line to the throne.
Lord Rathbone: 10th. But my friend here is about to change all that.

Charlie Chaplin: Did you just take the last Chocolate?
Roy: Of course I did. You gotta look out for number one, kid.

Roy: [Seeing the Imperial Seal] That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.
Chon Wang: Roy, don't even think about it.
Roy: Just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.

Roy: You got any ideas?
[looks down]
Chon Wang: We jump.
Roy: Jump?
Roy: You mean fall?

Chon Wang: Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field?
Roy: I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.

Roy: Hold it right there, Rathboner!

Roy: Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!

Roy: I thought the food here was supposed to suck!

Roy: Why did you let us out?
Charlie Chaplin: Why did you give up the seal?
Roy: Because I'm a fool.
Charlie Chaplin: I guess I'm a fool, too.

Roy: Just go ahead and drown me! I don't care anymore!

[Wang is trying to save Roy who is tied up under water. All we can hear are their garbled voices. Subtitles appear on screen]
Roy: Where have you been?
Chon Wang: I was busy.
Roy: Unbelievable!
Chon Wang: Patience, Roy.
Roy: Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass!

Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.
Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

Roy: [to Charlie] Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan

Roy: [to a palace guard] The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!

Roy: [line in outtakes] And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.

Roy: We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.

Roy: Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.

Roy: Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.

Charlie Chaplin: [reading an invitation] "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."
Chon Wang: Sounds good.
Roy: Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.
Charlie Chaplin: All you need is a proper disguise.
Roy: I do like a good disguise...

Chon Wang: The English are not very friendly.
Roy: They're just sore losers.
Chon Wang: What did they lose?
Roy: A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.
Chon Wang: Never heard of it.
Roy: I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.

Shanghai Noon (2000)
Chon Wang: I got an idea: why don't I pretend I'm sick, and then you can attack the guard when they come in?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh, you mean the sick prisoner routine? Does that still work in China? 'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.

Chon Wang: See! I told you so!
Roy O'Bannon: No, you said "wet shirt don't break," not "piss shirt bend bar"!

Roy O'Bannon: Ooooh... who's the pretty lady?
Chon Wang: That's my wife!
Roy O'Bannon: How long you been in this country?
Chon Wang: Four days.
Roy O'Bannon: Nice work.

Roy O'Bannon: [adjusting Chon's cowboy hat] There, sort of a rakish angle.
Chon Wang: How do I look?
Roy O'Bannon: I think you look great! I think you look like a real cowboy. Very dapper - red bandana.
[holding out his hand]
Roy O'Bannon: Roy O'Bannon.
Chon Wang: [shaking his hand] My name is Chon Wang.
Roy O'Bannon: John Wayne?
Chon Wang: Chon Wang.
Roy O'Bannon: That's a terrible cowboy name!
Chon Wang: Why?
Roy O'Bannon: No, come on. That's not gonna work. That's horrible; that's so bad! And so's the ponytail!

Chon Wang: He took the gold.
Roy O'Bannon: Is that all you care about, the gold? Shame on you.

[Roy is watching Chon attempt to saddle his horse. The horse keeps pulling the saddle blanket off before Chon can get the saddle on]
Roy O'Bannon: Well, best of luck to you. Guess this is what your people call "sayanora." Looks like Fido's giving you some problems there. You want me to, uh, give you a hand?
Chon Wang: No, I can do it.
Roy O'Bannon: *Sure* you can. H-How is a greenhorn like you gonna make it to Carson City and rescue this princess?
["Fido" pulls the saddle blanket off again. Roy sighs]
Roy O'Bannon: Stop, stop, stop, stop. I can't take it any more. Watch me do it.
[He takes the saddle blanket]
Roy O'Bannon: You get it like this and you put it up high
Roy O'Bannon: . See, it'll drift back when you're riding.
Roy O'Bannon: All right, I'll do it.
Chon Wang: Do what?
Roy O'Bannon: Take you to Carson City, help you rescue Princess Pee Pee.
Chon Wang: Pei Pei! You do not care about the princess.
Roy O'Bannon: You don't know me very well, do you? Tell you one thing: I hate to think of an innocent member of Chinese nobility suffering, I'll tell you that.
Roy O'Bannon: You people believe in Karma over there, right? Well I've been thinking... there must be a reason why we keep running into each other. Now I've ridden with some terrible men, just people I couldn't trust, but when I look at you, there's something different about you. And I can see it, I can see it in your eyes. It's what the Indians call... chipichawa.
Chon Wang: What's that?
Roy O'Bannon: Chipichawa is nobility. And you have it, in spades. You got yourself a partner, and this has nothing to do with gold, okay?
[Spits in his hand and offers it to Chon]
Roy O'Bannon: Shake on it.
Chon Wang: Why are you spitting in your hand?
Roy O'Bannon: Well, it's, uh, customary to seal the deal. Come on, let's go
[Chon spits into Roy's hand]
Roy O'Bannon: . No, you -
[wipes of his hand on his shirt]
Roy O'Bannon: this is going to be a long journey.

[going to blow up the safe]
Roy O'Bannon: Here give me the dynamite.
[Big does and then starts to follow]
Roy O'Bannon: No. No. You stay here! You don't get to do it.

Roy O'Bannon: Now I'm gonna have to get rid of my outlaw name, it just won't work anymore. My real name's Wyatt Earp.

Roy O'Bannon: Come on. We're men, we're not pinatas!

Wallace: I was just winging it!
Roy O'Bannon: What? No! That's not how we wing it! You've lost your 'winging it' privileges!

Roy O'Bannon: I don't know karate, but I know kar-azy, and I will use it!

Chon Wang: What happened?
Roy O'Bannon: Oh nothing I just killed him, how'd you do?

[Reading a reward poster]
Roy O'Bannon: The Shanghai Kid. This is terrible!
Chon Wang: I know. I'm not from Shanghai.

Chon Wang: You gave me bad directions!
Roy O'Bannon: No, I gave you wrong directions.
[Holds up Chon's chopsticks]
Roy O'Bannon: Want your toothpicks back?

Roy O'Bannon: Holy crap, the vultures are eating my head!

Roy O'Bannon: [Looking at the bullet holes in his robe] It's a miracle. I am invincible. Roy! Invincible!

Roy O'Bannon: I feel like there's this gap between us. It's like I'm a cowboy, you're an Indian. You say wampum, I say money. It is so important, I just think that...
Falling Leaves: [kisses Roy] Shut up, Roy. You talk too much.

Imperial Guard: Chon Wang!
Roy O'Bannon: That's right, Johnny Wayne's here.

Roy O'Bannon: Yes, John, I've heard all about the Emperor. Must be one hell of a man.
Chon Wang: He's only twelve.
Roy O'Bannon: Are you kidding me? You're sitting here, waiting to die for someone whose balls haven't even dropped?

Roy O'Bannon: First time you ever see an outlaw?
[Pretty victim nods]
Roy O'Bannon: Scared? Kind of excited, too? All mixed up? Yeah. Last train we robbed we were naked it was so hot out.

[Chon gives Roy a pair of chopsticks to dig with]
Chon Wang: Dig.
Roy O'Bannon: Hey!
Chon Wang: Don't talk. Just dig.

Roy O'Bannon: Just relax.
[Chon glowers menacingly]
Roy O'Bannon: Is that relaxed? You look sort of rigid there.

Roy O'Bannon: Let me put it this way. My horse is definitely not my best friend.

Roy O'Bannon: You gotta be able to laugh at stuff like that. Like me in the desert. I don't hold any grudges; I laugh about it. I'm not angry at you. You just left me there with chopsticks to die. Roy, all by his lonesome, just me and the buzzards, pickin' at my head... You're a very silent man, aren't you?

Roy O'Bannon: You blew it, John! Never interrupt a man in the middle of a duel! I had 'im! That's what gets me: I had 'im! I had 'im!

Roy O'Bannon: I'm so lost, Chon. Ninety percent of the time I don't even know what I'm doing out here in the West.
Chon Wang: No, you're a good outlaw.
Roy O'Bannon: Stop, please. I'm a screw-up.

Roy O'Bannon: You blew it. Whoo, you blew it, man. You did not want to cut his hair off, trust me.

Chon Wang: What happened my horse? Is he dead?
Roy O'Bannon: No, but we are, Chon.

Roy O'Bannon: These guns are really weird.

Roy O'Bannon: Maybe we should let bygones be bygones. You got off some good shots, I got off some good ones. Let's call it a tie.

Roy O'Bannon: Reach for the sky, Baldy!

Wallace: Reach for the sky, O'Bannon, ha ha!
Roy O'Bannon: That's my line. He stole my gang, he's stealing my lines. It's unbelievable!

Roy O'Bannon: There's more to life than money. I hope you learn that one day.

Roy O'Bannon: Is that her? She's pretty! Grab her!

Chon Wang: We stick together. We are partners.
Roy O'Bannon: That's beautiful.

Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: Mighty impressive hardware you packin' there...
Roy O'Bannon: Why don't you get your eyes of my package, you twisted son of a bitch!

Roy O'Bannon: I *am* like a wild horse. You can't tame me. You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every day. But the minute you shut that gate, I'll jump the fence and you'll never see me again.

Roy O'Bannon: The thing about your husband, and this is nothing against him, I mean I really like him, but...
[lowering his voice]
Roy O'Bannon: he comes from a very male dominated society.

Roy O'Bannon: Come on out, Little Roy. Work your magic.

Roy O'Bannon: A 2000-year-old civilization and that's the best you can come up with? Shame on you. Shame on you!

Roy O'Bannon: [referring to the duel] This is serious. You don't come back from this.
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: That's the general idea.

Roy O'Bannon: [to Chon] If people start looking at you funny then just say, "Howdy, partner."
Chon Wang: ...Howdy... partner?
Roy O'Bannon: Say it a little faster than that or people'll think you're slow in the head.

Roy O'Bannon: I am invincible...

[they both hide behind pillars, Roy shoots blindly]
Roy O'Bannon: Did I hit you?
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: [sarcastically] No, but you're getting really close.
Roy O'Bannon: You've almost killed me like seventeen times already!
[Marshall Van Cleef fires three more shots]
Roy O'Bannon: Eighteen, nineteen, twenty! You're on fire today!
[Roy fires another round of shots, way off]
Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: How do you survive out here?
Roy O'Bannon: What's that supposed to mean?

[in his head, trying to psych himself up before a duel]
Roy O'Bannon: C'mon Roy, you can do it! Ah, no you can't, he's gonna kill ya.

Marshal Nathan Van Cleef: Why don't you turn and face me like a man?
Roy O'Bannon: Why don't you do it your way and I'll do it my way?

[Chon Wang pees on a shirt, planning to use it to bend the jail bars]
Roy O'Bannon: Okay, I like your energy but I'm not with you...
Chon Wang: When the shirt gets wet, it doesn't break.
Roy O'Bannon: ...I don't know what that means.

Roy O'Bannon: So who are you?
Chon Wang: I'm an Imperial Guard to the Emperor of China.
Roy O'Bannon: China... what's with the book?
Chon Wang: The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei. She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
Roy O'Bannon: I like that, Forbidden City, a princess, kidnapped! It's so mysterious.

Chon Wang: Let me out! Give me the book back! I have to go to Carson City to rescue the Princess! You've got the wrong person, I don't belong here!
[yells in Chinese]
Roy O'Bannon: [sarcastically] Keep going with the Chinese, I think that's working. I think they're just about to let you out.

Chon Wang: You killed my uncle!
Roy O'Bannon: Bull! That was Wallace! All the way!
Chon Wang: He was one of your bandits.
Roy O'Bannon: He wasn't part of my gang! He was a new guy! And he's crazy as a road lizard!

[about Wallace]
Roy O'Bannon: Where did you get this guy?
Blue: Texas.
Roy O'Bannon: Texas?
[slaps him]
Roy O'Bannon: Are you insane?

Roy O'Bannon: Reach for the sky ladies and gentle...
Wallace: Touch that gun and I'll blow your goddamn head off!
Roy O'Bannon: What are you doing? No, no, I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, alright?
Wallace: Okay, sorry.
Roy O'Bannon: [aside to Blue] Why's the new guy talking? Where did you get this guy? I'm the only one who talks!

Roy O'Bannon: Alright, pay attention because I don't want any mistakes.
[displays a childlike diagram]
Roy O'Bannon: I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses. We meet at this vector; the only variable is the wind. Technically, if you travel...
Blue: Is this the train?
Roy O'Bannon: [crumples up his drawing] Alright, we're just gonna wing it.