Roger Rabbit
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Quotes for
Roger Rabbit (Character)
from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

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Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Roger Rabbit: Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.
Eddie Valiant: Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!

Eddie Valiant: Anybody know you're here?
Roger Rabbit: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...
Eddie Valiant: Who?
Roger Rabbit: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew.
Eddie Valiant: In other words, the whole town knows you're here! Get out!

Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Eddie! Don't throw me out. Don't you realize you're making a big mistake? I didn't kill anybody. I swear! The whole thing's a set up. A scam, a frame job. Ow! Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Oow! My whole purpose in life is to make... people... laugh!

Eddie Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!
Roger Rabbit: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.
Eddie Valiant: Sit down!
Roger Rabbit: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.
Eddie Valiant: Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.
Roger Rabbit: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.
Eddie Valiant: Why? Because you made him laugh?
Roger Rabbit: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.

Roger Rabbit: Okay, nobody move! All right, you weasels, grab some sky or I let the judge have it. You heard me, I said drop it!
Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling!
Roger Rabbit: That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.
Judge Doom: Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!
Roger Rabbit: That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks.
[a ton of bricks falls on Roger]
Jessica Rabbit: Roger! Roger, say something!
Roger Rabbit: Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.

Eddie Valiant: You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?
Roger Rabbit: No, not at any time, only when it was funny.

Raoul J. Raoul: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT!
Baby Herman: What the hell was wrong with THAT take?
Raoul J. Raoul: Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were BETTER than perfect! It's Roger, he keeps BLOWING HIS LINES! Roger, what is this?
Roger Rabbit: A tweeting bird.
Raoul J. Raoul: "A tweeting bird." Roger, read this script. Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets klunked, rabbit sees STARS." Not birds, STARS!

Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.
[Roger gasps]
Eddie Valiant: Ya see?
Judge Doom: Where?
Angelo: He's right here in the bar.
[puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit]
Angelo: Say hello... Harvey.
[the whole bar erupts in laughter]
Roger Rabbit: I told you so.

Eddie Valiant: I'm through with taking falls / And bouncing off the walls / Without that gun, I'd have some fun / I'd kick you in the...
[bottle falls on his head]
Roger Rabbit: Nose!
Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls."
Eddie Valiant: No, but this does.
[kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip]

Roger Rabbit: Benny, is that you?
Benny the Cab: [sarcastically] No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt! Get me outta here, Roger!

Roger Rabbit: Benny, is that you?
Benny the Cab: [sarcastically] No, it's Shirley Temple!

Roger Rabbit: Jumpin' Jeepers.
Benny the Cab: Hey Roger, what do you call the middle of a song?
Roger Rabbit: Gee, I don't know
[sees that they're heading for... ]
Roger Rabbit: A BRIDGE!

Smart Ass: Don't make us play rough, Valiant. We just want the rabbit.
Roger Rabbit: What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?
Eddie Valiant: What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.

Eddie Valiant: Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man.
Dolores: But I already have a good man.
[they are about to kiss when Roger sighs - they turn to him]
Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, don't mind me.

Roger Rabbit: Hide me Eddie... PLLLEASE. Remember you never saw me.
Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THERE.

Roger Rabbit: Boy, what is this, some kind of secret room?
Dolores: It's a rotgut room, holdover from Prohibition.
Roger Rabbit: Oh, I get it, a speakeasy, a gin mill, a hooch parlor.

Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR!... That's my brother's chair.
Roger Rabbit: [looking at photo on desk] Yeah, where is your brother anyway? He looks like a sensitive and... SOBER fellow.
Eddie Valiant: That's it. I'm calling the cops.
Roger Rabbit: [leaving] Go ahead. Call the cops. I come here for help and what do you do? Yo turn me in. No, don't feel guilty about me. So long, and thanks for nothing.
[slams door]
Eddie Valiant: That's the closet! Stupe!

Benny the Cab: Ah, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk.
Roger Rabbit: Come on, Eddie, get in!
Benny the Cab: It was only a couple of MILES.
Eddie Valiant: I'll drive.
Roger Rabbit: But I wanna drive.
Benny the Cab: No. I'LL drive, I'M the cab! Outta my way, pencil neck!

Roger Rabbit: Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya?
[kisses Eddie, Eddie pulls away]
Eddie Valiant: For starters, don't ever kiss me again.

[Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger]
Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?
Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice.
Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge?
Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution.
Eddie Valiant: Happy trails.
Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.
Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink.
Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink.
Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink.
Eddie Valiant: He does.
Roger Rabbit: I don't.
Eddie Valiant: You do.
Roger Rabbit: I don't.
Eddie Valiant: You do.
Roger Rabbit: I don't.
Eddie Valiant: You do.
Roger Rabbit: I don't.
Eddie Valiant: You don't.
Roger Rabbit: I do.
Eddie Valiant: You don't.
Roger Rabbit: I do.
Eddie Valiant: You don't.
Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do.

Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Raoul. I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time!
Raoul J. Raoul: Roger, I've dropped it on your head 23 times already.
Roger Rabbit: I can take it, don't worry about me.
Raoul J. Raoul: I'm not worried about you, I'm worried about the REFRIDGERATOR!

R.K. Maroon: Roger, I know this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
Eddie Valiant: Good looking guy like that? Dames will be breaking his doors down.
Roger Rabbit: Dames? What dames?
[Angrily grabbing Eddie by the lapels]
Roger Rabbit: Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see. We'll rise above this piddling pecadillo. We're gonna be happy again. You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I.
[Runs through window]
Eddie Valiant: At least he took it well.

[to Eddie]
Roger Rabbit: Is there nothing that can permeate that impervious puss?

Roger Rabbit: Keep it up, Eddie. You're killing 'em. You're slaying 'em! You're knocking 'em DEAD!

Roger Rabbit: Benny, you go to the cops. I'm gonna save my wife.
Benny the Cab: Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know.

Roger Rabbit: What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?
Eddie Valiant: You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.
Roger Rabbit: A toon? No!
Eddie Valiant: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.

Eddie Valiant: I'm glad Teddy isn't here to see me running with my tail between my legs.
Roger Rabbit: It's not so bad, once you get used to it.

Judge Doom: Shave, and a haircut...
[Roger crashes through the wall]
Roger Rabbit: TWO BITS!

Roger Rabbit: No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.
Eddie Valiant: Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.

Jessica Rabbit: Oh, Roger. You were magnificent.
Roger Rabbit: Was I really?
Jessica Rabbit: Better than Goofy.

Eddie Valiant: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter?
Roger Rabbit: That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.
Eddie Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine.
Roger Rabbit: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper.
[reading]
Roger Rabbit: "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five...?

Roger Rabbit: Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing! What finesse! What a genius!

Roger Rabbit: Say, Eddie. That sure was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over?
Eddie Valiant: Only time will tell.
Roger Rabbit: Yeah, well... put 'er there, pal.
[They shake hands; Eddie gets shocked by buzzer on Roger's hand; he glowers at Roger]
Roger Rabbit: Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already?
Eddie Valiant: [Grabbing Roger by the throat] Does this answer your question?
[Eddie kisses Roger in the mouth]

Eddie Valiant: Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now?
Roger Rabbit: Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body...? It's the will!
Eddie Valiant: Keep reading.
Roger Rabbit: "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!

Roger Rabbit: [as he dances on the bar's counter top] Woo-hoo-hoo! Nice shirt. Who's your tailor? Quasimodo? Woo-hoo!

Eddie Valiant: So why come to me? I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife.
Roger Rabbit: Yeah, and you're also the one who helped all these toons. Everyone knows that when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant & Valiant.
Eddie Valiant: Not anymore.

Roger Rabbit: What are we going to do, Eddie? What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
Eddie Valiant: What's all this we stuff? They just want the rabbit.

Roger Rabbit: When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad. He might try to kill you.
Eddie Valiant: I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You stay here and cover my back. And if you see or hear anything, beep the horn twice.
Roger Rabbit: Yeah, beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up. Eyes peeled. Ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit.
[Roger is knocked out with a frying pan and dragged away]

Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, Eddie. You know there's no justice for toons anymore. If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as dipped.

Roger Rabbit: [singing] My buddy's Eddie V. / A sourpuss, you'll see / But when I'm done, he'll need no gun / 'Cause a joker he will be / C-D-E-F-G-H-I / I... love to raise some Cain / Believe me, it's no strain / It feels so great to smash a plate / And look, 'cause there's no pain!
[breaks plate on head]
Roger Rabbit: ...no pain!
[breaks plate]
Roger Rabbit: ...no pain!
[keeps breaking plates until Eddie stops the record]

Benny the Cab: Well, fellas, where can I drop you?
Roger Rabbit: Somewhere we can hide.
Benny the Cab: I've got just the place. And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride, just stick out your thumb. Hey! Share the road, will ya, lady?

Jessica Rabbit: Oh, Honey Bunny!
Roger Rabbit: Oh, Love Cup.
Jessica Rabbit: [kisses Roger] Oh, Roger! You were a pillar of strength.

Eddie Valiant: Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needlenose?
Smart Ass: You got a problem with that, Valiant?
Eddie Valiant: No, I just want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip.
[Pulls a lever on a calliope, which plays "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]
Eddie Valiant: [singing] Now Roger is his name / Laughter is his game / C'mon you dope, untie his rope / And watch him go insane.
[He starts dancing and tumbling around, as the weasels laugh]
Jessica Rabbit: He's lost his mind.
Roger Rabbit: I don't think so.

Roger Rabbit: I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it.

Benny the Cab: Pull the lever!
Eddie Valiant: Which one?
Roger Rabbit: Which one?
Benny the Cab: "Which one?"
[a sign pops up on the dashboard reading "This one, stupid!"]

Roger Rabbit: Listen, my philosophy is this: If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead.
Eddie Valiant: You might just get your wish if we don't find out what happened to this.
[Tosses a photo at Dolores]
Roger Rabbit: What is it, Eddie?
Eddie Valiant: Just look at it.
[the photo is an enlargement of one of the photos of Acme and Jessica, with a paper in Acme's coat pocket circled]
Roger Rabbit: Mister Acme's will!
Eddie Valiant: Yeah, and I think Acme took the part of sound mind, and your wife of sound body.
Roger Rabbit: Why, I resent that innuendo!

Roger Rabbit: [Crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too.
Eddie Valiant: Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you.
Roger Rabbit: Yes, you do.
Eddie Valiant: No, I don't.
Roger Rabbit: You do hate me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.
Eddie Valiant: Well, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears.
Roger Rabbit: All the times you yanked my ears?
Eddie Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.

Roger Rabbit: P-p-please! Don't worry. Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am. Aye-aye, sir. Okey-dokey. Why, I'll take care of him like he was my own brother. Or my own sister.
[Hits face on door]
Roger Rabbit: Ow! Or my brother's sister. Or my second cousin...

Roger Rabbit: Let's forget it, there's nobody here!
Eddie Valiant: Is that it, or are you scared?
Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please! Me, scared? Don't be ridiculous!
[teeth chatter]

Roger Rabbit: I hate the news!

Roger Rabbit: [to Jessica, after they are almost killed] I wasn't worried, were you?

Roger Rabbit: When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad! He might try to kill ya.
Eddie Valiant: I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You cover my back. If you hear or see anything, beep the horn twice.
[Eddie goes into Maroon's office]
Roger Rabbit: Yeah, that's it, beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready: dukes up, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit!
[a frying pan is held above his head from behind; it slams down on his head, knocking the rabbit out cold, after which the assailant drags Roger around behind the wall]

Eddie Valiant: [to Smart Ass, to the tune of "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"] I'm through with taking falls/I'm bouncing off the walls/Without that gun/I'd have some fun/I'd kick you in the...
Roger Rabbit: Nose!
Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls".
Eddie Valiant: No, but *this* does!
[he gives Smart Ass a good, swift kick in his private parts with such force that it sends him sailing through the air, landing in the dip vat]

Roger Rabbit: [Emerges from the closet and slaps cuffs on Eddie] Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest! Pbbbbbbbbb...
Eddie Valiant: Get outta there! Idiot, I got no keys for these cuffs!


Tummy Trouble (1989)
[a scrub grabs Roger's tail]
Roger Rabbit: Hey! Let go of the cotton, ya swab!
[squeezes the guy's nose - HONK HONK]

Orderly: All right, let's cut him open.
Roger Rabbit: Just get me a bicarb. I'll be fine.

Roger Rabbit: Thank goodness for modern medicine!


Disney Sing-Along-Songs: Disneyland Fun (1990) (V)
White Rabbit: [Mickey is watering the flowers in the shape of his head at the Disneyland entrance] You're late! You're late! For a very important date! It's time to open up the gate. You're late! You're late! You're late!

Roger Rabbit: Hey, not so fast! Yikes! Hang on to your hats! P-p-p-please! Slow down! Slow down!
Children: [everyone is outside the line to the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad] Relax!
Boy: We're not even on the ride yet.

Boy: [after the Matterhorn] Hey, where's Roger?
Chip: I don't know.
Roger Rabbit: [on Autopia with another child] Now, here's a ride that's just my speed.
[laughs]


"Tiny Toon Adventures: New Character Day (#1.61)" (1991)
White Rabbit: P-b-b-b-blease! You have to let me on your show! I've got to keep my wife in glitter paint!
[pulls out a frying pan and starts hitting himself on the head with it]
White Rabbit: Look! I'm wacky! Zany! Toony!
[Trap door opens under Roger, sending him falling]
Buster Bunny: [to the audience] We're auditioning new characters for the show.


Trail Mix-Up (1993)
[last lines]
Adult Baby Herman: Roger, you star-spangled bonehead!
Roger Rabbit: What?
Adult Baby Herman: You ruined a national monument!
Roger Rabbit: P-b-b-b-blease! Don't get bent out of shape! It's not like it's the end of the world!
[Sticks flag pole into the ground, causing the planet Earth to deflate]