Janis Ian
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Quotes for
Janis Ian (Character)
from Mean Girls (2004)

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Mean Girls (2004)
Janis: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.
Damian: She asked me how to spell orange.
[Cady snickers]
Janis: That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.
Damian: She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.
Janis: Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.
Damian: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.
Janis: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.
Damian: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.

Cady: Oh, god.
Janis: You dirty little liar!
Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain.
Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?
Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.
Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.
Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.
Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM, it is now 1:10.
Janis: Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
Cady: You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!
Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, "Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
Cady: You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!
Janis: What?
Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
Janis: See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Aaron Samuels, for example, he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
[Damian drives away with Janis, yelling out the window]
Damian: And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!

Janis: [reading list the major cliques in high school] You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks Unfriendly black hotties, Girls who eat their feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks,
[a picture of herself and Damian come on screen]
Janis: the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst. Beware of plastics.

Kevin Gnapoor: [after cutting into dance] What's up?
Janis: Can I help you?
Kevin Gnapoor: You Puerto Rican?
Janis: Lebanese.
Kevin Gnapoor: I feel that.

Joan the Secretary: And finally, the nominees for 'Spring Fling Queen'! Regina George...
[class applauds]
Joan the Secretary: Gretchen Weiners.
[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly]
Joan the Secretary: Janis Ian.
[class applauds]
Regina: [confused] What is happening to the world?
Janis: Damien!
[Janis shoves Damien]
Damian: I couldn't help myself!
Joan the Secretary: And finally, Cady Heron!
[class applauds]
Cady: Damien? You put me in there, too? That's not part of the plan!
Damian: I didn't put you in there...
Cady: [surprised] You mean I'm really nominated?

Damian: [reading the entry on himself from the Burn Book] "Too gay to function?"
Janis: That's only okay when *I* say it!

Janis: [to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
[to Regina]
Janis: God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!

Janis: Why didn't they just keep home schooling you?
Cady: They wanted me to get socialized.
Damian: Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.
Cady: What are you talking about?
Janis: You're a regulation hottie.
Cady: What?
Damian: Own it.

Janis: Wow, Damien, you've truly out-gayed yourself.

Damian: She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.
Janis: Who cares?
Damian: I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.
Janis: Wow, Damian, you've truely out-gayed yourself.
[Cady laughs]

Cady: She took him back. Regina took Aaron back.
Janis: Oh, no, Cady...
Cady: Why would she do that?
Janis: 'Cause she's a life ruiner. She ruins people's lives.

Cady: And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all the girls in our grade.
Janis: What does it say about me?
Cady: [lying, because the book describes Janis as a dyke] You're not in it.
Janis: Those bitches!

Cady: And they have this book, this "Burn Book" where they write mean things about girls in our grade.
Janis: Well what does it say about me?
Cady: You're not in it.
Janis: Those bitches.

Cady: [describing Regina] She's not even that good looking if you really look at her.
Janis: I don't know, now that she's getting fatter she's got pretty big jugs.

Janis: Regina George... How do I begin to explain Regina George?
Emma Gerber: Regina George is flawless.
Mathlete Tim Pak: I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.
Amber D'Alessio: I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.
Kristen Hadley: Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.
Short Girl: One time she met John Stamos on a plane...
Jessica Lopez: - And he told her she was pretty.
Bethany Byrd: One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome.

Kevin Gnapoor: [seeing the Jingle Bell Rock dancers] Damn!
Janis: What?
Kevin Gnapoor: I'd rather see you out there shakin' that thang.

Janis: We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history.
Damian: Say crack again.
Janis: Crack.

Student: Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?
Janis: Your mom's chest hair!

Damian: Oh, my God! I love this song!
Janis: I hate this song.
Cady: I *know* this song!

Cady: Hey!... Are we still in a fight?
Janis: You still an asshole?
Cady: No. I don't think so.

[reading a printed page from the Burn Book]
Damian: Janis Ian - Dyke.
Janis: Oh, that's original.
[reading about himself]
Damian: "Too gay to function?"
Janis: Hey, that's only ok when I say it.

Janis: Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

Janis: What is that smell?
Cady: Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.
Janis: You smell like a baby prostitute.
Cady: Thanks.
[Janis sprays deodorant at Cady]

Janis: There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it

Cady: What do we even talk about?
Janis: [shrugs shoulders] Hair products!
Damian: [interrupts] Ashton Kutcher.
Cady: Is that a band?

Cady: Regina seems... sweet!
Janis: Regina George is not sweet! She's a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life!

Janis: Cady, you gotta steal that book
Cady: No Way!
Janis: Come on! We could publish it and then everybody would see what an ax-wound she really is!

Janis: Cold, Shiny, Hard, PLASTIC.