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: Get in loser, we're going shopping.
: Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up? Saleslady
: Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Sears.
: She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is? Shane Oman
: You're right, hon. Regina George
: I like *invented* her, you know what I mean?
: Hey! Regina
: Why were you talking to Janis Ian? Cady
: I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack. Regina
: She's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're lesbian." I mean I couldn't have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she's on crack.
: I know, right?
: Why are you eating a Kalteen bar? Regina
: I'm starving. Shane Oman
: Man, I hate those things. Coach Carr makes us eat those when we want to move up a weight class. Regina
: What? Shane Oman
: They make you gain weight like crazy. Regina
: Motherf -
[she spits out the bite of the bar that she was chewing, and then she lets out a high-pitched scream
: [after seeing Regina in mirror
] Regina, wow, you look really beautiful. Regina
: I'm wearing a spinal halo. Cady
: Look, I'm really sorry about the bus. I feel like it's all my fault. Regina
: Stopping making this about you. I'm the one that got hit by the bus. Cady
: I'm really sorry about all the other stuff too. Regina
: Okay, I'm going to forgive you because I'm a very Zen person... and I'm on a lot of pain medication right now. Cady
: [Cady smiles
: You know Aaron really does like you. He's always talking about how unusual you are and it really pissed me off. Like this one time, I got this really expensive doll house from Germany, but I never played with it. So my mom wanted to give it to my cousin. But even though I didn't want it... Cady
: You begged your mom to let you keep it? Regina
: No. I threw it down the stairs.
: I didn't want anyone else to have it. But that's just me. Mrs. George
: Regina! There about to announce the queen.
] Mrs. George
: Hello. Regina
: Can you believe my f-ing mom is here? Regina
: [they giggle
: [after humiliating Regina
] Wait Regina, I didn't mean for this to happen! Regina
: To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care! Cady
: Wait Regina, just listen! Regina
: No! Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me! Yeah, so don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology, and shove it right up your hairy c...
[Regina gets hit by a bus
Joan the Secretary
: And finally, the nominees for 'Spring Fling Queen'! Regina George...
] Joan the Secretary
: Gretchen Weiners.
[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly
] Joan the Secretary
: Janis Ian.
] What is happening to the world? Janis
[Janis shoves Damien
: I couldn't help myself! Joan the Secretary
: And finally, Cady Heron!
: Damien? You put me in there, too? That's not part of the plan! Damian
: I didn't put you in there... Cady
] You mean I'm really nominated?
[after learning Cady is home-schooled
: But you're, like, really pretty. Cady
: Thank you. Regina
: So you agree? Cady
: What? Regina
: You think you're really pretty? Cady
: Oh... I don't know
: Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it? Lea Edwards
: It was my mom's in the '80s. Regina
: Vintage, so adorable. Lea Edwards
: Thanks. Regina
: [after girl walks away
] That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen.
: I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you won't make fun of her!
: I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him. Karen
: Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell? Regina
: I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!
[Regina leaves, Gretchen follows
: Wait, Regina! Talk to me! Regina
: No one understands me... Gretchen
: I understand you!
[Regina & Gretchen's voices fade out
: You're not stupid, Karen. Karen
: No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything! Cady
: Well... there must be something you're good at. Karen
: I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see? Cady
: No no no... Anything else? Karen
: Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense. Cady
: What do you mean? Karen
: It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain. Cady
: Really? That's amazing. Karen
: Well... they can tell when it's raining.
: I gave him everything... I was half a virgin when I met him!
: Why don't I know you? Cady
: I'm new. I just moved here from Africa. Regina
: What? Cady
: I used to be home-schooled. Regina
: Wait... what? Cady
: My mom taught me at home... Regina
: No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up! Cady
: I didn't say anything.
: [reading from the Burn Book
] Trang Pak is a grotsky, little byotch. Regina
: Still true. Gretchen
: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin. Regina
: Still half-true. Karen
: Amber D'Alessio . She made out with a hot dog. Gretchen
: Janis Ian-DYKE. Karen
: [pointing to Damien in background of picture
] Hey, who is that? Gretchen
: I think it's that kid, Damien. Cady
: Yeah, he's almost too gay to function.
[Karen & Gretchen chuckle
: That's funny, put that in there.
[trying to avoid plans with Regina
: I can't go out.
[faux coughs softly
: I'm sick. Regina
: Boo, you whore!
: Is your muffin buttered? Cady
: What? Jason
: Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin? Cady
: My what? Regina
: Is he bothering you? Jason, why are you such a skeeze? Jason
: I'm just being friendly. Gretchen
] You were supposed to call me last night! Regina
: Jason, you do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen and then scam on some poor innocent girl right in front of us three days later. She's not interested. Do you want to have sex with him? Cady
: No, thank you. Regina
: Good. So it's settled. So you can go shave your back now. Bye, Jason. Jason
: Cady, do you even know who sings this? Cady
: Um... the Spice Girls? Regina
: I love her. She's like a Martian!
: That is so fetch! Regina
: Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!
: God. My hips are huge! Gretchen
: Oh please. I hate my calves. Regina
: At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders. Cady
] I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there's lots of things that can be wrong on your body. Gretchen
: My hairline is so weird. Regina
: My pores are huge. Karen
: My nail beds suck.
[pause. All look at Cady
: I have really bad breath in the morning. Karen
] The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me. Regina
: [to Cady
] Okay... you have really good eyebrows. Cady
: Thanks. Regina
: [pushing Gretchen
] Move. Gretchen
: Ooh. Cady
] Same with Gretchen: the meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back. She knew it was better to be in the plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with the plastics was like being famous... people looked at you all the time and everybody just knew stuff about you. Girl
: That knew girl moved here from Africa. Girl
: I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops, so I bought army pants and flip flops. Boy
: That Cady girl is hot... she might even be hotter than Regina George. Mr. Duvall
: I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again. The 2 were seen canoodling at Chris Isen's halloween party... they've been inseparable ever since.
: [referring to Cady's bracelet made in Africa
] I love it! Gretchen
: So Fetch! Regina
: What is fetch? Gretchen
: Oh, it's like slang, from... England.
: I think I'm joining the Mathletes. Regina
: No! No, no! Regina
: You cannot do that. That is social suicide. *Damn*! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.
: Regina, we have to talk to you. Regina
: Is butter a carb? Cady
] YES. Gretchen
: Regina, you're wearing sweatpants. It's Monday. Regina
: So...? Karen
: So that's against the rules, and you can't sit with us. Regina
: Whatever. Those rules aren't real. Karen
: They were real that day I wore a vest! Regina
: Because that vest was disgusting! Gretchen
: You can't sit with us! Regina
] These sweatpants are all that fits me right now. Regina
: [after being ignored
] Fine! You can walk home, bitches.
: Wedell on South Boulevard. Gretchen
: Caller ID Regina George
: Not when you connect from information. Taylor Wedell's Mom
: Hello? Regina George
: Hello, may I please talk to Taylor Wedell? Taylor Wedell's Mom
: She's not home yet who's calling? Regina George
: This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It's urgent, Thank You.
[Taylor Wedell's mom faints
] Regina George
: She's not going out with anyone.
] Oh, no. It was coming up again, word vomit... no, wait a minute... Regina
: What is this? Cady
] Actual vomit.
: So, are you gonna send any candy canes? Regina
: No. I don't send them, I just get them. So you better send me one, byotch.
: I'm a cool mom! Right Regina? Regina
] Please stop talking!
: I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Right, Regina? Regina
: Please stop talking.
: Wow. Your house is really nice. Regina
: I know, right? Gretchen
: Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks.
: 120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that? Gretchen
: Uh, 48 into 120? Regina George
: I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat. Cady
: It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X. Regina George
: Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.
] "Kaitlyn Caussin is a... " Regina
: Fat whore!
: We do not have a clique problem at this school. Gretchen
: But you do have to watch out for "frenemies". Regina
: What are "frenemies"? Gretchen
: Frenemies are enemies who act like friends. We call them "frenemies". Karen
: Or "enemends". Gretchen
: Or friends who secretly hate you, we call them "fraitors". Regina
: [rolls eyes
] That is so gay. Karen
] What if we called them "mean-em-aitors"? Regina
: No, honey, it has to have the word "friend" in it. Karen
: Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back. Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back?
: [after being dumped by Aaron, Regina is crying and holding hands with Gretchen and Karen in her bedroom
] Did he say why? Regina
] Somebody told him about Shane Oman. Karen
: Who? Regina
: He said some guy on the baseball team. Karen
: Baseball team? Regina
: I gave him EVERYTHING. I was half a virgin when I met him! Karen
: You want to do something fun?
: You want to go to Taco Bell? Regina
: I CAN'T GO TO TACO BELL, I'M ON AN ALL-CARB DIET. God, Karen, you are SO stupid!
: Growing up female in this world is not easy. In China, baby girls are routinely put up for adoption. And in parts of Africa, women are still made to live in tents during the time of their menses. Karen
: Ew! Gretchen
: And even in fancy countries like the United States and England, seven out of ten girls have a negative body image. Regina George
: Who cares? Six of those girls are right!
: It's called the South Beach Fat Flush and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours. Aaron Samuels
: Lemme see that... this isn't even cranberry juice, it's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar. Regina George
: I wanna lose three pounds. Karen
: Oh my God, you're so skinny! Regina George
: Shut up.
: Do you know what people say about you? They say you are homeschooled jungle freak who's a less hot version of me. So don't try to act all innocent. You can take that fake apology and shove it straight up your hairy little...
[gets hit by a schoolbus
: [Cady and the Plastics are getting into their start positions for Jingle Bell Rock
] Uh, Gretchen? Switch sides with Cady. Gretchen
: But I'm always on your left! Regina
: Well, that was when we were three of us, and now the tallest go in the middle. Gretchen
: But the whole dance will be backwards! I'm always on your left! Regina
: And right now, you're getting on my last nerve! Switch!
[Gretchen reluctantly swaps sides with Cady in the positions
: [On the phone
] I know your secret. Cady
: [to herself
] Oh god, busted! Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.
: Secret? What are you saying about? Regina
: Gretchen told me you like Aaron Samuels. I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want, but lemme just tell you something about Aaron, all he cares about is school and his mom and his friends. Cady
: Is that bad? Regina
: But if you like him, whatever. I mean I could talk to him for you if you want. Cady
: Really? You would do that? I mean nothing embarassing though, right? Regina
: Oh no, trust me, I know exactly how to play it. But wait, aren't you *so* mad at Gretchen for telling me? Because if you are you can tell me, it was a really bitchy thing for her to do. Cady
: Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad, I mean I guess she just likes the attention. Regina
: See, Gretch? I told you she's not mad at you! Gretchen
: [Suddenly appears in the same phone conversation
] I can't believe you think I like attention! Regina
: [to both Cady and Gretchen
] Ok, love you, see you tomorrow!