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: Emily is terrific. Harry Burns
: Yeah. But of course when I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?" Jess
: Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love and that is wonderful. But you gotta know that sooner or later you're gonna be screaming at each other about who's gonna get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of That's Mine, This Is Yours. Sally
: Harry. Harry Burns
: Please, Jess, Marie. Do me a favor, for your own good, put your name in your books right now before they get mixed up and you won't know whose is whose. 'Cause someday, believe it or not, you'll go 15 rounds over who's gonna get this coffee table. This stupid wagon wheel ROY ROGERS GARAGE SALE COFFEE TABLE! Jess
: I thought you liked it! Harry Burns
: I WAS BEING NICE!
: He just bumped into Helen.
: "Baby talk"? That's not a saying. Harry Burns
: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation? I hear them talking.
: Marriages don't break up on account of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong. Harry Burns
: Oh really? Well, that "symptom" is fucking my wife.
: [about Sally
] I can say anything to her. Jess
: Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me? Harry Burns
: No, it's just different. It's a whole different perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she desires and I can talk to her about the women that I see. Jess
: You tell her about other women? Harry Burns
: Yeah, like the other night, I made love to this woman. It was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human. She actually meowed. Jess
] You made a woman meow? Harry Burns
: Yeah, that's the point. I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie, because I am not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself. Jess
: You made a woman meow?
: Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. Jess
: You will never have to be out there again.
: Restaurants are to people in the 80's what theatres were to people in the 60's. I read that in a magazine. Jess
: I wrote that. Marie
: Get out of here. Jess
: I did, I wrote that. Marie
: Where did I read that? Jess
: New York magazine Harry
: Sally writes for New York magazine
[Unable to guess what Sally is trying to draw during a round of Pictionary
: Draw SOMETHING resembling ANYTHING.
: No one has ever quoted me back to me before.
: So what is she? Harry Burns
: Attractive. Jess
: But not BEAUTIFUL, right?
: When did this happen? Harry Burns
: Friday. Helen comes home from and she said, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about... in a casual way. I'm calm, I say, "Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything." Jess
: Yeah, right. Harry Burns
: Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that may be... she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? "I don't know if I've ever loved you." Jess
: Oooh, that's harsh!
[They do "the wave"
: You don't bounce back from that right away. Harry Burns
: Thanks Jess. Jess
: No, I'm a writer, I know dialogue and that's particularly harsh. Harry Burns
: Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment. I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings, 'I can sub-let his apartment', the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth. Jess
: Like in the cartoon. Harry Burns
: Right. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, "Helen when did you call these movers?", and she doesn't say anything. So I asked the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?" And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't fuck with Mr. Zero." So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?" She says, "A week ago." I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?" And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday."
[They do the wave again
: You're saying Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did? Harry Burns
: Mr. Zero knew.