Captain Spaulding
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Quotes for
Captain Spaulding (Character)
from House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

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House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Captain Spaulding: Let me ask you something. How come you're asking me so many jackassy questions?
Bill Hudley: My friends and I are on a road trip. We're driving across country and writing a book on off-beat roadside attractions. You know, the crazy shit you see when you're driving across the country.
Captain Spaulding: I don't drive cross country.
Bill Hudley: But if you did...
Captain Spaulding: But I don't.
Bill Hudley: Yeah, but supposing for a second you did.
Captain Spaulding: [laughs] You little dickens, you. I know what your problem is.
Bill Hudley: What's that?
Captain Spaulding: [getting angry] Ya'll think us folk from the country's real funny-like, dontcha?
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, well saddle up the mule, Ma! Slide me some grits! I's got to get me some edu-cation, uh hu hu hu.
Bill Hudley: Jerry...
Captain Spaulding: You asshole!

Lt. George Wydell: [holds a photo of Denise] Have you seen this girl in the past 24 hours?
Captain Spaulding: Yeah, cute kid. Ain't my type though. You know, I like 'em with a little more meat on 'em. Ha ha. The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'.
Deputy Steve Naish: Come on clownie, just answer the damn questions. We ain't interested in your love life.
Lt. George Wydell: Cut the crap Spaulding and get with the facts.

Captain Spaulding: [after shooting Killer Karl] Goddamn, motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.

Captain Spaulding: But MOST of all... fuck YOU!

Stucky: [shows a topless autographed photo of June Wilkinson] Shit, I can't do nothing with this now. I can't get rid of this. It ain't worth nothing. My name's all over it. I was gonna fix it to trade it with Jackie Cobb.
Captain Spaulding: That retard who hangs out at Molly's fruit stand? For the lot of me, I do not understand why you hang out with that asshole.
Stucky: He's one horney retard.
Captain Spaulding: Well hell, arn't they all? All they want to do is eat and fuck.
Stucky: Well, if you knew him better you might understand his urges.
Captain Spaulding: Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.
Stucky: You know what his favorite thing is next to whacking his weasel? He takes a sharpened pencil, sticks it in his eyeball and twists it.
Captain Spaulding: What?
Stucky: He doesn't hurt himself. He kind of twists it next to his eyeball.
Captain Spaulding: Oh, he's been putting that pencil someplace other than his eyeball.
Stucky: Oh no, he don't do anything like that. Although one time, he got caught with a Planet of the Apes doll stuck up his asshole.
Captain Spaulding: [laughing] God damn!
Stucky: They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!

Lt. George Wydell: What did you see? Who was she with? Where was she going?
Captain Spaulding: I don't know. Yeah, that girl was in here last night. She was with three other stupid kids. They was nosing around... asking a bunch of stupid questions.
Deputy Steve Naish: Questions about what?
Captain Spaulding: I don't know. This and that. Mostly a bunch of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.
[sighs]
Captain Spaulding: Look, they caught a gander at the display in the back and they figured they'd run out and solve the great big Deadwood mystery about Dr. Satan.
Lt. George Wydell: And how'd they get that idea?
Captain Spaulding: I wrote 'em a map... out to the old farm road that runs past the Hanging Tree. I figured, what the hell? Can't do no harm. Besides, it's good for my tourist trade. Ha, ha!
Deputy Steve Naish: You can shit ten bricks for all I care.

Captain Spaulding: You miserable motherfucker, I ought to leap over this counter and bash your fuckin' balls in!
Killer Karl: All right, Tippy! Hand over the cash box, and I might leave your brains inside your skull!
Captain Spaulding: Well, I'll tell you what, Ski King. Why don't you just take your Mama home some chicken and then I won't have to stuff my boot all up in your ass!
Killer Karl: I don't like chicken! And I hate clowns!

[two masked holdup men break into Captain Spaudling's place to rob it]
Captain Spaulding: Mary fuckin' Moses! Ya' all get the fuck outa here!
Killer Karl: Hands up! Keep your paws where I can see 'em.
Richard Wick: [stuttering] Yeah... d-don't move or I'll b-blast a hole the size of a k-Kansas City watermelon through... your ugly-ass b-bozo face!
Captain Spaulding: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

[From the DVD menu select screen]
Captain Spaulding: Well, shit the bed! Howdy folks, come on in! Well, I can see by those fancy britches and sassy hairdos that you all ain't from around here. So, where ya from?
[holds hand to ear]
Captain Spaulding: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Ah, I see. All ya all's must be mutes, cause ya wouldn't be fuckin' with me, now would ya?

Captain Spaulding: Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well then, come on down to Captain Spaulding's Museum of Monsters and Mad-Men. See the Alligator Boy, ride my famous Murder Ride. Most of all, don't forget to take home some of my tasty fried chicken! Ha ha! It just tastes so damn good!

Killer Karl: That is it! I'm gonna count to ten and you're gonna hand over all the cash, or I'm gonna splatter your grease paint mug across the state line! One...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo mama!
Killer Karl: Two...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo sister!
Killer Karl: Three...
Captain Spaulding: Fuck yo grandma!

Deputy Steve Naish: What else happened?
Captain Spaulding: [getting angry and agitated] Nothin'. You ask me, those stupid ass kids probably got turned around ass backwards and got themselves lost.
Lt. George Wydell: Is that all? Now, I want you to think really hard.
[Spaulding scratches his head with his forefinger, mocking "thinking hard"]
Captain Spaulding: Well, I don't ridley know. You see, they wasn't in here long enough for me to get up close and personal with 'em like I do with most of the other assholes that come wondering in here!

Captain Spaulding: Buddy, look around. Would I be surprised?

Captain Spaulding: [written in Cap. Spaulding's t-shirt] "If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart."

[last lines]
Captain Spaulding: Sweet baby Jesus, girl. What the hell happened to you?
Denise Willis: [mumbling] I got away.
Captain Spaulding: You... hey, I recognize you. Oh, there's a whole bunch of people been looking for your ass, girl.
Denise Willis: I gotta get to a doctor.
Captain Spaulding: All right, all right. Just sit back and relax. I'll get you to a doctor.
[Denise rests her head on the seat]
Captain Spaulding: That's it. I'll get you there.


The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Captain J.T. Spaulding: [to Sheriff Wydell] If you're gonna start the killing, you best start it right here. Make sure I'm all the way dead, because I'll come back and make you my bitch!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: I'm gonna have to be taking your car today. See I have some top secret clown business that supersedes any plans that you might have for this here vehicle.
[mutual laughter]
Susan: What's that about clown business?
[laughs nervously]
Captain J.T. Spaulding: [pause] Do I stutter, bitch?

Baby: Just in case anyone's interested, I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
Otis: [in a mocking tone] "I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles."
Baby: Don't you fucking imitate me, it's fucking rude!
[mocking]
Baby: "I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack... "
Otis: Fuck you.
Baby: Fuck you!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Two fucking seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?
Otis: Yes, it is going to kill me! I have calculated the time, and two seconds is the exact amount of time that is a hazard to my fucking health.
Baby: What the fuck is your problem? I'm in and out in two seconds!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: You know? I think I'm gonna get me some tutti fucking fruity.
Baby: Tutti fucking fruity, that sounds good!

Baby, Captain J.T. Spaulding: Tutti Fuckin Fruity!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: What's the matter, kid? Don't ya like clowns?
Jamie: [shakes his head, crying] No...
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Why? Don't we make ya laugh? Aren't we fuckin' funny? You best come up with an answer, cos I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your momma and if you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns, I'm gonna kill your whole fucking family.
Jamie: [continues crying] Please...
Captain J.T. Spaulding: All right, now get your fuckin' ass out the car. Go on. Yayayayayaya!
[Spaulding starts laughing]

Captain J.T. Spaulding: And you remember happy boy.
Charlie Altamont: Hey You still an asshole?
Otis B. Driftwood: [gives Charlie the finger] Fuck you!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: You ain't goin' nowhere, Bitch!

Fanny: What? Are you calling me a whore?
Captain Spaulding: I calls 'em like I sees 'em!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: Where the hell you goin'? Damn it. Don't you NEVER turn your back on a fuckin' clown when he's talkin' to you!

Sheriff John Wydell: [walks into a room where the "rejects" are tied to the chairs] You know I got to thank you all... *sniffs*... for helping me understand what my heritage is. You see the Wydells, they always been vigilante justice. Now my grand-daddy, he rode with the likes of Tom Horn killin' scum like you for a livin'. We've always been devil slayers
[kicks Otis]
Sheriff John Wydell: WAKE UP! See, I tried to walk the line but now I realize there is no line. Now we here, we are playin' on a level that most will never see. I know my brother George he didn't see it.
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Maybe he had a divine moment when his brains hit the floor.
Sheriff John Wydell: Yeah well, maybe you will too.

Captain J.T. Spaulding: [referring to Otis] You remember happy boy here!

Baby: [after Charlie Altamont pulls out a gun] What the fuck is this shit?
Otis B. Driftwood: You bring us all the way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us? Nice fuckin' plan, daisy!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Just do it! He's a crazy, pig-fuckin'...
Charlie Altamont: What you call me?
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Well if you'd give me a chance, I was gonna call you a crazy, pig-fuckin', dumbass, pussy piece of shit!