Otis Driftwood
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Quotes for
Otis Driftwood (Character)
from House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

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The Devil's Rejects (2005)
Candy: What you lookin' at?
Otis B. Driftwood: I'm lookin' at you, mama.
Candy: Yeah, you see something you like?
Otis B. Driftwood: Maybe. I set my standards pretty low, so I'm never disappointed.
Candy: Oh, well I don't disappoint.

Adam Banjo: Please, mister. This is insane.
Otis B. Driftwood: Boy, the next word that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fuckin' Mark Twain shit. 'Cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.

Adam Banjo: Please... Stop...
Otis B. Driftwood: Stop? Bitch, I have just started.

Otis B. Driftwood: There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future.

Baby: Just in case anyone's interested, I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.
Otis: [in a mocking tone] "I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles."
Baby: Don't you fucking imitate me, it's fucking rude!
Baby: "I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack... "
Otis: Fuck you.
Baby: Fuck you!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Two fucking seconds for the kid, is that gonna kill you?
Otis: Yes, it is going to kill me! I have calculated the time, and two seconds is the exact amount of time that is a hazard to my fucking health.
Baby: What the fuck is your problem? I'm in and out in two seconds!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: You know? I think I'm gonna get me some tutti fucking fruity.
Baby: Tutti fucking fruity, that sounds good!

Otis: I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack.

Otis B. Driftwood: [to Wendy, mocking her that he killed her husband and Roy] We regret to inform you that the show "Banjo and Sullivan" will be cancelled tonight.

Otis: Consider me fuckin' Willy fuckin' Wonka! This is my fucking chocolate factory! You got it? My factory!

Captain J.T. Spaulding: And you remember happy boy.
Charlie Altamont: Hey You still an asshole?
Otis B. Driftwood: [gives Charlie the finger] Fuck you!

Otis B. Driftwood: I was going to take it easy on you and make it fast, but then you had to go and play the fucking hero!

Otis B. Driftwood: Hurry up and don't take too fucking long.
Baby: Fuck you!
Otis B. Driftwood: Fuck you!
Baby: Fuck you!

Otis B. Driftwood: I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.

Otis B. Driftwood: Gimme some sugar, bitch. Make it sweet.

Otis B. Driftwood: I think I can still smell your wife's pussy stink on my gun... hope it doesn't rust the barrel.

Otis B. Driftwood: You had to come all fuckin' big stick, walkin' tall, like a big fuckin' hero. Got yourself to blame, hero. Look at you now, hero, you're gonna fuckin' bleed to death!

Baby: God dammit look at that jacket.
Otis B. Driftwood: What?
Baby: On TV.
Otis B. Driftwood: What? Fuck the TV!
Baby: Fuck the TV? Fuck you!
Otis B. Driftwood: Hey fuck you! Will you just keep your head in the business at hand here!

Otis B. Driftwood: Are you staring at my sister and thinking bad thoughts?
Roy Sullivan: No.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well why not? You a faggot?
Roy Sullivan: No.
Otis B. Driftwood: Well what are you? I mean, you got this hot piece of ass shaking her shit right in front of you and your'e not getting any ideas? What do you call that?

Otis B. Driftwood: Does she like it when you puke? I mean is that part of your deal?

Adam Banjo: Where are you taking us?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well I guess it wouldn't do no harm to tell you none, let's see ah, we're going to go dig up some guns I buried out here a couple of years ago.
Roy Sullivan: Then what?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well there ain't no what, that's the end of the road.
Roy Sullivan: What?... your'e not gonna kill us are ya?
Otis B. Driftwood: Killing sounds so permanent.

Otis B. Driftwood: That's what they all say "Fuck you", well it ain't gonna save you. It don't scare me none and it don't suddenly make you a fucking hero.

Otis B. Driftwood: I want you to pray to your god. I want you to pray that he comes and saves you. I want lightning to come and crash down upon my fucking head!
Roy Sullivan: I will pray... Jesus...
Otis B. Driftwood: Louder!
Roy Sullivan: Bless the bunnies, bless the little birds, bless the...
Otis B. Driftwood: I don't feel anything!
Roy Sullivan: Bless the springtime morning...
Otis B. Driftwood: ooo aaah I feel it! Oh great god almighty I repent, I repent! Oh I feel the love of the god, god, god almighty! Oh the holy spirit is in my body.

Otis B. Driftwood: I want you to see what happens to heroes...

Baby: [after Charlie Altamont pulls out a gun] What the fuck is this shit?
Otis B. Driftwood: You bring us all the way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us? Nice fuckin' plan, daisy!
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Just do it! He's a crazy, pig-fuckin'...
Charlie Altamont: What you call me?
Captain J.T. Spaulding: Well if you'd give me a chance, I was gonna call you a crazy, pig-fuckin', dumbass, pussy piece of shit!

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
Otis: It's all true. The bogeyman is real and you found him.

[Mary screams]
Otis: Shut your mouth!
[more screams]
Otis: I said, shut your fucking mouth!
Otis: Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood... is forever.

Otis: Boy, I bet you'd stick your head in fire if I told ya you could see Hell. Meanwhile, you're too stupid to realize you got a demon stickin' out your ass singing, "Holy Miss Moley,
[Whole family joins in]
Otis: Got me a live one."

Mary Knowles: Why are you doing this?
Otis: Doing what? Messy up your day?
Mary Knowles: Where's Bill? Where's Bill?
Otis: Bill?
Mary Knowles: Is he okay?
Otis: He's a good guy. Oh, he's been a great help to me! A real blessin'. I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better speciman. You don't know what kind of dry spell I've had here. Total block, total block! But Bill... he's okay.
Mary Knowles: Where is he? Where is he? Can I see him? Can I see Bill, please?
Otis: Let's go see. Behold... Fishboy!
[Otis pulls back a curtain to reveal Bill's mutliated corpse]
Mary Knowles: Oh my god! Oh my god, Bill! No, no, this can't be real. This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real.
Otis: Oh, it's real. As real as I want it to be, mama.
[Otis kisses Mary]
Mary Knowles: Fuck you, you fucking freak!

Otis: I'm the one who brings the Christmas candy. Now tell me, who's your daddy? I'm the one who brings the devil's brandy.
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: I'm the one who beats you when you're bad.
Baby: Who's your daddy?
Mother: Who's your daddy?
Otis: [walking to Denise, while wearing her father's skin] Come on, sweetie. Give the old man some sugar.
Denise Willis: Daddy, Daddy.
Otis: [taking off his robe] And I'm the one who loves ya when you're fucking dead!

Otis: Hey, happy boy, step your ass up here.
Baby: Take his gag out. It's more fun with the screaming.
Mother: I like that too. That screaming is much more exciting that way.
[They remove Jerry's gag]
Jerry Goldsmith: Please don't kill us, please don't kill us.
Baby: [imitating Jerry] Please don't kill us... nah... please don't kill us.
Otis: Shut your mouth and get your shit in the box. Get in now.
Mother: Wait, wait, wait... I wanna say goodbye.
[Mama Firefly grabs Jerry by the collar and gives him a big kiss]
Mother: Goodbye, sweetie. We could've been great.
Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Jerry Goldsmith: Just let us go, I swear to God we won't tell anyone. I swear...
Mother: Honey, you know I can't do that.
Otis: Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?
Rufus 'R.J.' Firefly Jr.: Get your fucking ass up, boy.
Otis: Come on, we ain't got all night.
[Rufus grabs Jerry and body slams him into the coffin while Mary breaks free and runs off]
Otis: Where does she think she's gonna run to? She gonna run all the way home?
Baby: No, let me get her.
Otis: All right, go get her.

Otis: Huntin' humans ain't nothin' but nothin'. They all run like scared little rabbits. Run, rabbit, run. Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run rabbit. Run, rabbit, run! RUN, RABBIT, RUN!

Otis: Better you leave here with your head still full of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

Mother: Otis! There's cops outside!
Grandpa Hugo: What? How many?
Otis: Oh, don't worry about it! How many were there?
Mother: I only saw one.
Otis: Fucking pigs always come in packs. Here take this go down stairs and play nice, I'll go around back and take control like I always fuckin' do!
[Grandpa Hugo flips Otis off]

Otis: [ranting to tied up cheerleaders] "Why", you ask? "Why" is not the question. How? Now, that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh... conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your sentimental minds are doing me no good! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!
[sees the girls aren't understanding]
Otis: Oh, Christ. Fuck it!

Otis: Oh it's real, as real as I want it to be mama
[Kisses Mary]

Otis: Now, I'm gonna remove your gap... But! If you make so much as a fuckin' peep! I'm going to cut you like a pig and make you eat your own fucking intestines... you got me?
[Otis takes off the hankerchief on Mary's mouth]
Mary Knowles: Why are you, Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this?
Otis: Doing what? Messy up your day?
Mary Knowles: Where's Bill? Where's Bill?
Otis: Bill... He's a good guy, Ohhh hoo... He's been great help to me. A real blessin'... I mean, I couldn't have asked for a better specimen. You don't know what kinda dry spell I've had here. Total Block, Total Block! But Bill... He's OK.
[scene cuts to Otis and Baby are going to torture Bill while she was laughing maniacally and playing "She's a Brick House" and Otis torturing Bill]

Otis: Look, see the magic in my brush strokes.
[Painted on the canvas is the gruesome scene of Bill as the Fish-Boy]
Mary Knowles: [crying] Fuck you, you fucking freak!
Otis: h, come now... we're all creatures of God and freaks in our own way...
[twitches and shakes]
Otis: ... but if you'll notice...
[points to a blank spot in the painting]
Otis: right here, needs a little something, heh?
Mary Knowles: What are you doing?
Mary Knowles: ... no, stop... please, please.
Otis: You, my dear worm feeder, are about to become immortalized.

Otis: Watch that bitch, she's thinking about that Klugman bangin' Brett Sommers, pick motherfucking Richard Dawson.

The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009) (V)
Varla: You think I wanna talk to you, squirrel?
Otis Driftwood: I ain't here to talk, I'm here for the All American Ass Party.
Varla: Why don't you make yourself useful and go get me some Beer Nuts?
Otis Driftwood: [Grabs crotch] I got your nuts right here. Why don't you give 'em a -
[Door gets slammed on both of the characters]