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: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. Justin
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face
: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
: I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
Peter La Fleur
: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench
] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary? Patches O'Houlihan
: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? Peter La Fleur
: Probably not. Patches O'Houlihan
: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste. Peter La Fleur
[while everyone is doing the shuttle run
] Patches O'Houlihan
: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!
: [giving the pre-match pep talk
] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!
: If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!
: My sweet dick, it's magic!
: [about Gordon getting angry
] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!
: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
[Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her
] Kate Veatch
: What? Eight years of softball. Dwight
: Man, she gotta be a lesbian. Peter La Fleur
: She is *not* a lesbian. Patches O'Houlihan
: All I know is, that dyke can play!
: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!
: I love the smell of queef in the morning.
: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!
: I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat. Peter La Fleur
: No, thanks I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you. Patches O'Houlihan
: Suit yourself, queer.
[Patches turns and drives off
: Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo-Gym bastards!
: [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter LaFleur at the climactic game
] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!
: Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!
: You're about as useful as a poopie flavored lollipop.
Young Patches O'Houlihan
: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.
Young Patches O'Houlihan
: This is Patches O'Houlihan saying "Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you."