Patches O'Houlihan
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Quotes for
Patches O'Houlihan (Character)
from Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

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Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)
Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.
Justin: What?
[Patches throws a wrench and hits Justin in the face]

Patches O'Houlihan: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.

Patches O'Houlihan: I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.

Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.

[while everyone is doing the shuttle run]
Patches O'Houlihan: Come on! I get better runs in my shorts!

Patches O'Houlihan: [giving the pre-match pep talk] And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!

Patches O'Houlihan: If you're going to become true dodgeballers, then you've got to learn the five d's of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!

Patches O'Houlihan: My sweet dick, it's magic!

Patches O'Houlihan: [about Gordon getting angry] Go you crazy son of a bitch GO!

Patches O'Houlihan: Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.

[Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her]
Kate Veatch: What? Eight years of softball.
Dwight: Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
Peter La Fleur: She is *not* a lesbian.
Patches O'Houlihan: All I know is, that dyke can play!

Patches O'Houlihan: If you want to have dodgeball victory, you have to grab it by its haunches and you gotta hump it into submission!

Patches O'Houlihan: I love the smell of queef in the morning.

Patches O'Houlihan: You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!

Patches O'Houlihan: I've got some hookers in my room. What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
Peter La Fleur: No, thanks I'll just stick with the scarf, but thank you.
Patches O'Houlihan: Suit yourself, queer.
[Patches turns and drives off]

Patches O'Houlihan: Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards!

Patches O'Houlihan: [Giving advice from beyond the grave to Peter LaFleur at the climactic game] Listen up, crotch stain. Remember your training, and trust your instincts. You can do it! I believe in you! Bye-bye!

Patches O'Houlihan: [unrated version] Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!

Patches O'Houlihan: You're about as useful as a poopie-flavored lollipop.

Young Patches O'Houlihan: Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.

Young Patches O'Houlihan: This is Patches O'Houlihan saying "Take care of your balls, and they'll take care of you."