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: [to Debbie
] What do you think? He's funny, right? Ben Stone
: [to Debbie's kids
] Fetch! Debbie
: [to Alison
] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.
: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves. Doorman
: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth. Debbie
: What? Doorman
: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
: You think because you don't yell, you're not mean. This is mean.
: [on subject of husbands
] You criticize them so much, they get down on themselves, and then they're forced to change!
: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis? Pete
: I think it's Matisyahu.
[sobbing and thinking about the babysitter
: She is such a prissy little high school cu... cunt!
: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox. Jason
: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it. Ben Stone
: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes. Jason
: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.
: [to Ben and Pete at dinner
] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other. Pete
: Who needs a time machine?
: [to Alison
] Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?
: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band? Pete
: I went to the movies. Debbie
: With who? Pete
: By myself. Debbie
: What'd you see? Pete
: Spider-Man 3. Debbie
: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go? Pete
: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself. Debbie
: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears
: You're not the only one. Pete
: It's not that big of a deal. Debbie
: I like Spider-Man. Pete
: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week. Debbie
: I don't want to go see it now. Pete
: Well... Debbie
: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own. Pete
: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do? Debbie
: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean. Pete
: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just... Debbie
: No, you're not. You're lying. Pete
: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit. Debbie
: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay? Pete
: Come on.
: Where do babies come from? Debbie
: Where do you think they come from? Sadie
: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby. Debbie
: That's exactly right.
[after looking at Ben's website
: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh that's "cu... Oh that's gross!
: He spelled "coming" wrong. Oh, it's "cummi-"... oh, that's gross!
: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you. Debbie
: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you. Ben Stone
: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
: I don't want a turbo penis. I like your medium soft one.
: We had sex the other night. You should give me some credit for that. Debbie
: It's not about credit.
: All of a sudden we're a magnet of negativity. What did we do?
: So you would do sex with me? Flirty Hockey Player
: 'Do sex'? What are you, Borat?
: I don't want to shop at old lady stores. I don't want to go to J. Jill and Chico's and Ann Taylor.
: Who goes to the bathroom for a half hour? Pete
: John Goodman.