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: Just don't ask me to lend you any money. Ben Stone
: Can I just - have some?
: Never do what they did. Charlotte
: I'm gonna do it... Pete
: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.
: Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
: Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis? Pete
: I think it's Matisyahu.
: You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
: [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms
] Tastes like a rainbow.
: [quoting Back to the Future
] Where we're going we don't need roads.
: I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88. Ben Stone
: [Mimicks car noise
: You mean like Mr. Skin? Ben Stone
: Who's Mr. Skin? Pete
: You know, Mr. Skin...
: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room. Ben Stone
: That's way too many chairs for one room!
: [to Ben and Pete at dinner
] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other. Pete
: Who needs a time machine?
: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
: Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band? Pete
: I went to the movies. Debbie
: With who? Pete
: By myself. Debbie
: What'd you see? Pete
: Spider-Man 3. Debbie
: Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go? Pete
: Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself. Debbie
: I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears
: You're not the only one. Pete
: It's not that big of a deal. Debbie
: I like Spider-Man. Pete
: Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week. Debbie
: I don't want to go see it now. Pete
: Well... Debbie
: I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own. Pete
: What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do? Debbie
: You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean. Pete
: I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just... Debbie
: No, you're not. You're lying. Pete
: I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit. Debbie
: You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay? Pete
: Come on.
: [high on 'shrooms
] Did you know there's a guy whose sole job is to find chairs for these hotel rooms? Ben Stone
: Please take the chairs away. Pete
: Like this one! It's red with gold stripes and -
: - oh, this one is amazing! Ben Stone
: Please take the chairs away. I don't like them. The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll.
: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles. Ben Stone
: That's sad. Pete
: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.
: [to Ben Stone
] Marriage is like that show Everybody Loves Raymond, but its not funny. All the problems are the same, but
: you know instead of all the funny, pithy dialogue, everybody is really pissed off and tense.
: We got pinkeye. Ben Stone
: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something? Jason
: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities. Jay
: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere. Pete
: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow? Jonah
: Totally! Pete
: That's awesome! Jonah
: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye? Martin
: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
: Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?
: We had sex the other night. You should give me some credit for that. Debbie
: It's not about credit.
: Snitches end up in ditches!
: Got a bit of a problem. Touch of gout. Pete
: Gout? Graham Parker
: Yeah, my whole family, they all had gout. Pete
: Jesus. Ronnie
: That's very unfortunate. Graham Parker
: My auntie Queenie, she had a foot like the size of a small pig. I've got a photo of it. Ronnie
: I'd love to see that photo of that gout foot. Graham Parker
: A couple of bunions as well. Ronnie
: [Referring to Graham Parker video they are viewing
] What are you doing? Cat
: I'm contextualizing him as one of the great figures in rock history. Ronnie
: You can't show him in his prime in '77 and then jump straight to him as he is now. It's terrifying. You have to reverse it. You have got to show him as he is now, very briefly, and then show him in 1977. You have got to Benjamin Button it. Cat
: I don't know what you're talking about. All rock stars are older now. Steven Tyler, David Bowie, Mick Jagger... Pete
: Paul McCartney. Ronnie
: Okay, stop it. Everybody that you are mentioning looks like an old woman now. You're just mentioning a bunch of Jessica Tandys. Keith Richards gets away with it, but that's because Keith Richards looked 70 when he was 40. And now that he's 70 he looks 69. He's regenerating.
: I don't make fun of your stupid Mad Men! Pete
: First of all, I don't get worked up over Mad Men. Sadie
: That's because Mad Men sucks! Pete
: What Don Draper has gone through beats whatever Jack is running from on some fucking island. Sadie
: A bunch of people smoking in an office, it's stupid!
: Who goes to the bathroom for a half hour? Pete
: John Goodman.
: Don't talk to me about responsibilities. I have a life. I have a family. I can't afford to sit in my apartment getting high, jerking off, and then going to Tommy's Chili Burgers at three o'clock in the morning. Ronnie
: That's not even the order that happens in!