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Quotes for
Diane Simmons (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you Diane.Sex. Some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person would do that?" you might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now. Possibly doing drugs.Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover .
Glen Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole'!
Lois Griffin: Oh. It's so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.


"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
[in the waiting room for the intern interviews]
Diane Simmons: [thinking] Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls. They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky.
[notices Meg]
Diane Simmons: [thinking] Perfect!
[to Meg]
Diane Simmons: Congratulations, you got the job.

Tom Tucker: Hey, look who's here, Diane, it's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?
Meg Griffin: I sure did, Mr. Tucker!
Diane Simmons: Great, cos you two are gonna have so much fun!
Tom Tucker: [through the side of his mouth] Don't act any cheerier, Diane, you'll give us all diabetes.
Diane Simmons: [through the side of her mouth] Bite me, Tom.


Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Diane Simmons: ...And that's it for sports. Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.
Ollie Williams: [holding a small puppy] Who wants this dog?
Diane Simmons: [cut back] Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My - "
[Tom Tucker appears]
Diane Simmons: Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I... can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Did you check your TCP/IP settings?
Tom Tucker: Yes I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Enable cookies?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] You want this dog?
Tom Tucker: No thank you, Ollie.


"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]

[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.


"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.


"Family Guy: Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (#3.21)" (2002)
Diane Simmons: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.


"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?


"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons: [sighs] Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.


"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Diane Simmons: Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
Peter: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNCLE TOM?