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Lois Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)
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Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Chris Griffin: Mom! Look at me![jumps in pool]
Chris Griffin: How was that?
Lois Griffin: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.
Chris Griffin: You were in the Olympics?
Lois Griffin: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.
Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.
Lois Griffin: [drunkenly] When I heard... when I heard... that we were going to be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck yeah!"
Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.
Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Gigidi Gigidi
Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Gigidi Gigidi?
Lois Griffin: [after falling on her hands and knees on the red carpet and visibly intoxicated] Peter... Get on!
Lois Griffin: OK Chris. Now that we have practiced kissing and cuddling, we'll practice eating out... at a fancy restaurant.
Chris Griffin: Mom, Meg reckons Omar Sharif is dead but I think she thinking of Anthony Quinn.
Lois Griffin: Chris, your father and I are in the tub! And Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.
Stewie Griffin: [on top of a shelf; drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna jump! Gonna jump from... Gonna jump... to my high chair!
Peter Griffin: Stewie can you not interrupt? It grinds my gears when you do that.
Lois Griffin: Oh! He said it!
Stewie Griffin: You ready? Can you... Can you see me... gonna jump... gonna ju... jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you?
[jumps and misses highchair]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! You see me?
Lois Griffin: [Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!
Stewie Griffin: SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!
"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
[from trailer]Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: May I have everyone's attention, please? We're evacuating into outer space, with literally infinite directions in which to flee. However, we have decided that our transports will travel directly toward the fleet of Star Destroyers. Any questions?
Rebel Pilot: Yeah, um, is there someone from the military we can talk to? A man, perhaps?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [Leia runs up to Han while he's reading a book] Han! I think there's something...
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Han puts his finger up to quiet Leia and finishes with his current paragraph. Once done he turns to her] Hrmm?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Where?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Out there in the cave!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Ha! Crazy women always hearing things.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Let's go check it out.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [On Lando] He's a black guy - in fact he's probably the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Let's hope, right!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Whoa!
"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.Peter Griffin: But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
Lois Griffin: Lucky there's a family guy.
Peter Griffin: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
Stewie Griffin: Laugh and cry.
Peter Griffin: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world!
Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
Stewie Griffin: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get. You're life however is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Stewie Griffin: Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want you're toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!
Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!
Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg Brady: No dad.
Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
Jan Brady: That will teach him.
Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
[to his family]
Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
[they are in court]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
[bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
[Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!
[all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]
[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.
"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.
Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.
Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.
Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Oh my, tomatoes are 3.99 a pound that's so high! Isn't that high? It seems so high!Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!
Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.
Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here!
[pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.
Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.
"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: Oh,the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the Breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.Peter Griffin: Hold on,Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker.I think you are in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [drunken clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plow and your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?
Lois Griffin: Give us the pills!
[takes the pills]
[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!
[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.
[the next morning]
Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.
Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!
Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!
"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.
Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi!
[Peter laughs, and Lois walks away]
Peter Griffin: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!
Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!
Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut". That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster". And they're all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster".
Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.
"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]
[Peter has just eaten all the dehydrated food rations]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter Griffin: Huh. What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water, then immediately balloons to several times his size]
Peter Griffin: Everybody leave. I have to poop. *NOW!*
[the family runs away]
Randy Newman: [singing about what he sees] Fat man with his kids and dog... Drove in through the morning fog... Hey there, rover, come on over.
Lois Griffin: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
Randy Newman: Red headed lady reaching for an apple... gonna take a bite... uhh, nope nope... she gonna breath on it first... wipes it on her blouse...
Randy Newman: [pauses] She takes a bite... chews it once... twice... three times... four times... stops...
Randy Newman: [Lois glares at him] Saliva working... takes a long hard look at Randy... Five times... Fat ol' husband walkin' over.
Lois Griffin: Let's get the hell out of here.
Randy Newman: They walkin' down the road... left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, lef...
[Lois throws the apple at him]
Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly]
"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors
Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.
Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
Chris Griffin: Yep.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
[short scene with Santa Claus]
Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.
Lois Griffin: I'm not getting my tubes tied. You should get a vaectomy.
Peter Griffin: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!
Lois Griffin: Do you think I'm fat?
Waiter in restaurant: Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
Lois Griffin: What?
Waiter in restaurant: Nothing.
"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch!
Lois (Princess Leia): Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually that's me. I made a Darth Doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the darkside. I got pages of these, I could go on.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I can't believe he's gone.
Lois (Princess Leia): I know, Luke. But it's true. He's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading. But to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Princess Leia): No!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): [to Vader] She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): ...Yeah.
Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, who are you?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah! Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?
"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror] Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!Lois Griffin: Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian Griffin: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie Griffin: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
Chris Griffin: [Looking at the Griffin family album] And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!
Lois Griffin: And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.
Chris Griffin: You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!
[Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I love you Peter!
Peter Griffin: And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!
Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: See, Meg?
Chris Griffin: [shouts] I'm the favorite!
[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.
"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
[Joe is hanging from a ledge and Lois is trying to pull him back up]Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!
[Lois starts to loosen her grip]
Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Um, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence."
[cut to scene from "The Age of Innocence]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [in character] It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [flat accent] That would be MOST good, Newland. MOST good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, drops accent] I'm sorry, but she is just awful! Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Martin Scorsese: [off-screen] Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great. All right, we got a movie.
Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child
[her grip starts to slip]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!
"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: Thank you!
Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.
Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!
Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
[They Hug]
"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]
Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*
Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing, eh?
Glen Quagmire: [From a distance] GIGGITY!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [fed up with one mishap after another] So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?
Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
Lois Griffin: Must... kill... star!
"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?
[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.
Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!
"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?
Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.
Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.
"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: So how was your day?Brian Griffin: [on drugs] My day? Un-freaking-believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake!
[draws heavily on his cigarette then exhales]
Brian Griffin: Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was!
[everyone at the Table stares at him, then... ]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
[the family is sitting in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[it switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It's so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... more or less...
Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.
[Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait!
[He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin: Hold on a second.
[Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin: Airport please.
[Car runs]
[Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user]
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
"Family Guy: Fat Guy Strangler (#4.17)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cut to Lois helping Peter out of the bar]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.
[Peter is seen taking his physical alongside Lois]
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?
[Doctor pulls out the comics]
Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[Looks at Peter]
Doctor: Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[Opens booklet and screams]
Doctor: [Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: There's a spider in here!
[Turns to them]
Doctor: Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this...
[Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]
Doctor: ... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.
Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[to Peter]
Doctor: Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[picks up a chart]
Doctor: AH!
[drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here.
[shakes the chart, the spider crawls out]
Doctor: Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.
Brian Griffin: Look!
[Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.
"Family Guy: Stewie Loves Lois (#5.1)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him!
[Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.
Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi.
[Runs off giggling]
Lois Griffin: Oh my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water.
[gasps]
Lois Griffin: I'm just like Barbara Bush!
Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi...
[runs off giggling]
"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Peter, one of these days I'm gonna need to use the mirror.Peter Griffin: Oh beans, I can't get this spit curl to... Wait a minute. Lois, what day is it?
Lois Griffin: Thursday.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Oh God, I am late!
Lois Griffin: Well, if you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter Griffin: No, I mean I am 'late' late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois Griffin: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't have a lot of options, I'm Catholic! God, I thought you would be happy for me!
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois Griffin: You... bitch!
"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed like Elizabeth Smart.Elizabeth Smart's father: [talking to reporters while Elizabeth plays music in the background] It's so wonderful having her home again. She's brought music back into the house, playing songs on the Harp... of course most them are about rape, but it's still nice.
Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!
Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
[makes telephone gesture, speaks camply]
Jasper: Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend:
[laughs]
Jasper: Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!
"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Bocce balls!Lois Griffin: Brian, save your hippie B.S. for the winter months.
Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]
"Family Guy: There's Something About Paulie (#2.16)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
[Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.
Lois Griffin: Peter, how can we afford this?
Peter Griffin: Let's just say the car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: Say that again.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: This time without winking.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal. Wink.
"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!
Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] Would you sleep with Peter?
Lois' Mom (Barbara): [definitively] Of course dear.
Bill Clinton: [after having sex with Lois] Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass!
[laughs]
"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk[gasps]
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis.
Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
[Lois looks up to find Meg had left and Brian is standing outside the door]
Brian Griffin: I love you!
Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?
"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [on the telephone] So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.[laughs]
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.
Lois Griffin: It's just my noodle kaboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.
Brian Griffin: Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you
Lois Griffin: Its just noodle kaboodle.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what are these hard things?
Lois Griffin: M & M's. I ran out of paprika.
"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
[Meg offers to host the baby]Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!
[last lines]
Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
Peter Griffin: We had the abortion.
"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.
Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.
"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"
Lois Griffin: [on the phone] Mother, you know how I hate asking for money. But... mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.
"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
[Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!
Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...
"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?
[Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?
[Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
"Family Guy: FOX-y Lady (#7.10)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Gush, it's an awfully big decision.Anchorman: Lois please, take the job for Fox' sake.
Anchorman: And this is the kitchen. We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here.
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't see the refrigerator.
Anchorman: Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina.
"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
[Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom]Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
[cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters]
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
[Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement
"Family Guy: Friends of Peter G. (#9.10)" (2011)
Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.
Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"
"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: We'll meet you in the ten-inches-or-less line.[beat; Lois realizes what she's just said as she walks away]
Lois Griffin: Items!
Meg Griffin: [after getting humiliated by Connie] Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan.
Lois Griffin: Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Connie's front doorbell rings]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie D'Amico: Sixteen.
Glen Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie D'Amico: [calling offscreen] Mom!
Glen Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.
"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?
"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Machine: You have 113 new messages.[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh... where the newspaper boy was.
[beep]
Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gon' come back.
[beep]
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
[beep]
Herbert: Where are ya?
[beep]
Herbert: Ah, you're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch. Call me.
[the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.
"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.
Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
[Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"]
"Family Guy: The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (#4.5)" (2005)
Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!
[Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.
[Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!
Peter Griffin: [refusing to accept he's lost] You know I can't ask another human being for directions.
Lois Griffin: Why not?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm a man. Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?
"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love.
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels!
[she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!
[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
Family Guy Presents: It's a Trap (2010) (V)
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: No.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.
"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!
Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!
"Family Guy: Stewie Kills Lois (#6.4)" (2007)
Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.
"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
[last lines]Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"
"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
[first lines]Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
Peter Griffin: [after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air] Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny".
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
[Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Fat guys.
[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!
"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!Stewie Griffin: Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!
Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.
[music in]
Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!
"Family Guy: Road to Europe (#3.20)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
Donnie: [after Lois reveals she "did" KISS] Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois Griffin: Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.
"Family Guy: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (#2.1)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Oh come on Lois. It's time to act like the piece of schmidt you areLois Griffin: It's Pewterschmidt
[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't clean - I got stuff to do!Lois Griffin: Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do.
Lois Griffin: Oh look, Meg, it's your little baby booties, oh and your little bronzed hat, and your tail.
Meg Griffin: My what?!
Lois Griffin: Nothing.
"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death!
Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death?
Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat!
Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!
[crashing sound, gasps and screams are heard]
Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back!
[crashing sound and groans are heard]
Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror!
Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet!
[crashing sound and screams are heard]
Woman: My baby's dead!
Peter Griffin: It's over.
[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me!Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my penis.
[last lines of the episode, as the Griffins sit on the couch after Peter apparently fixed the timeline]
Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter Griffin: Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.
[Roger from "American Dad!" walks up to the Griffins]
Roger Smith: Who ate all the pecan sandies?
"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!
Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!
"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago?
Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her.
Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there.
Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here?
Consuela: I wait for rain to stop.
Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home.
Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay.
Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night.
Consuela: Uh... I stay here?
Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that.
Consuela: I stay here.
"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!
"Family Guy: And I'm Joyce Kinney (#9.9)" (2011)
Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for...
Pastor: Leave this house of God!
Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life.
Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn.
Lois Griffin: But father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say a porn?
Pastor: Yes.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Well that's kind of weird.
Pastor: What?
Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say you made porn or you made a porno. You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong.
Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?
Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then.
"Family Guy: Mr. Saturday Knight (#3.9)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [dressed up like female prostitute] Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car!
Peter Griffin: But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
Lois Griffin: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
Brian Griffin: It means that he'll...
[gets interrupted]
Peter Griffin: Be cool.
"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: What?
"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]
"Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.Peter Griffin: Go on...
Lois Griffin: That's it.
"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: You're completely...Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.
"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Brian Griffin: I'll be in the basement.Lois Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: Whaddaya think?
"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]
"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
"Family Guy: German Guy (#9.11)" (2011)
Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible!Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.
"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?[pause]
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]
"Family Guy: If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (#2.9)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [seeing Peter's "followers" building a golden statue of him] Oh, my God!Peter Griffin: [slyly] Yes?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not funny.
"Family Guy: Brian Does Hollywood (#3.2)" (2001)
Director: [to Lois] You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?Lois Griffin: [gasps and nudges Peter] Peter!
Peter Griffin: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years.
"Family Guy: Padre de Familia (#6.6)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!
"Family Guy: Mind Over Murder (#1.4)" (1999)
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
[She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
[She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter Griffin: All right that's it!
"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't...
[eyes widen looking toward the window]
Peter Griffin: oh... crap!
[Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]
"Family Guy: Dammit Janet (#2.15)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.Brian Griffin: We could get hammered.
"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"
"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
"Family Guy: Bigfat (#11.17)" (2013)
[Peter is dreaming about Stan Smith killing him for telling Quagmire about Roger]Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.
[Hank Hill comes out of the bathroom]
Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?
[Hank wakes up in his own bed with Peggy still sleeping beside him]
Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.
"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [about Nigel] He's Charming. All british men are.Peter Griffin: Sure Lois, that's what they said about that Benjamin Disraeli guy.
Benjamin Disraeli: [Writing at desk after a pause] You don't know who I am!
"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.[Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... was..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... born..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... in..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin, it's a boy. Wait, there's more...Lois Griffin: Oh my god! Is it twins?
Doctor: No, it's a map of Europe.
"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [about Peter] This is a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep."Family Guy: A Hero Sits Next Door (#1.5)" (1999)
Bonnie Swanson: The movers tracked grease all over the carpet. I've tried everything to get it out.Lois Griffin: What about lemon juice?
Fan at ball game: What about club soda?
Stewie Griffin: What about shutting the hell up?
"Family Guy: McStroke (#6.8)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome.Brian Griffin: I think it's gay.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!
Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.
"Family Guy: Jungle Love (#4.13)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Oh, Chris, my baby! I'm telling you, Peter, I never should have let him out of my stomach!"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [See's the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What are you kids doing?Stewie Griffin: Playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: But the kid is tied up in the basement.
Stewie Griffin: ...Roman Polanski's house.
"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home![she looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're... that fat guy from _Boogie Nights And you're the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
[nasally laugh]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, I do not sound like that. Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we lost our daughter!
"Family Guy: Brian Sings & Swings (#4.19)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.
"Family Guy: Excellence in Broadcasting (#9.2)" (2010)
Lois Griffin: Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies."Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!
"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.
"Family Guy: Untitled Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.
"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".
"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you
"Family Guy: The Splendid Source (#8.19)" (2010)
[Extended DVD scene]Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.
"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
[flashback]
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
[stutters]
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
[flashback]
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]
"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.
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