Lois Griffin
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Quotes for
Lois Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: May I have everyone's attention, please? We're evacuating into outer space, with literally infinite directions in which to flee. However, we have decided that our transports will travel directly toward the fleet of Star Destroyers. Any questions?
Rebel Pilot: Yeah, um, is there someone from the military we can talk to? A man, perhaps?

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [Leia runs up to Han while he's reading a book] Han! I think there's something...
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Han puts his finger up to quiet Leia and finishes with his current paragraph. Once done he turns to her] Hrmm?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Where?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Out there in the cave!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Ha! Crazy women always hearing things.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Let's go check it out.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [On Lando] He's a black guy - in fact he's probably the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Let's hope, right!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Whoa!


Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Chris Griffin: Mom! Look at me!
[jumps in pool]
Chris Griffin: How was that?
Lois Griffin: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.
Chris Griffin: You were in the Olympics?
Lois Griffin: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Lois Griffin: [drunkenly] When I heard... when I heard... that we were going to be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck yeah!"

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy! Giggidy!

Lois Griffin: [after falling on her hands and knees on the red carpet and visibly intoxicated] Peter... Get on!

Lois Griffin: OK Chris. Now that we have practiced kissing and cuddling, we'll practice eating out... at a fancy restaurant.

Chris Griffin: Mom, Meg reckons Omar Sharif is dead but I think she thinking of Anthony Quinn.
Lois Griffin: Chris, your father and I are in the tub! And Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.

Stewie Griffin: [on top of a shelf; drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I'm gonna jump! Gonna jump from... Gonna jump... to my high chair!
Peter Griffin: Stewie can you not interrupt? It grinds my gears when you do that.
Lois Griffin: Oh! He said it!
Stewie Griffin: You ready? Can you... Can you see me... gonna jump... gonna ju... jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you?
[jumps and misses highchair]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! You see me?

Lois Griffin: [Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!
Stewie Griffin: SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: It seems today, that all you see, is violence in movies, and sex on tv.
Peter Griffin: But where are those old fashioned values, on which we used to rely.
Lois Griffin: Lucky there's a family guy.
Peter Griffin: Lucky there's a man who, positively can do, all the things that make us.
Stewie Griffin: Laugh and cry.

Peter Griffin: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world!

Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

Stewie Griffin: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get. You're life however is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Stewie Griffin: Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want you're toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!

Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg Brady: No dad.
Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
Jan Brady: That will teach him.
Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
[to his family]
Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: Oh, the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.
Peter Griffin: Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [Drunken Clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plowing your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?

Lois Griffin: Give us the pills!
[takes the pills]

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.
[the next morning]
Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!

Lois Griffin: You can't hit me! I'm a girl!
Peter Griffin: Sometimes I wonder.

Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.


"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Oh my, tomatoes are 3.99 a pound that's so high! Isn't that high? It seems so high!

Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.

Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here!
[pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.

Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.

Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!


"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Nite lineup.
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.

Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.

Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
Chris Griffin: Yep.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
[short scene with Santa Claus]
Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.

Lois Griffin: Do you think I'm fat?
Waiter in restaurant: Only if you think I'm a serial killer.
Lois Griffin: What?
Waiter in restaurant: Nothing.

Dr. Elmer Hartman: Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.
Lois Griffin: Thank you, doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg Griffin: For your information, mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?

[after a night of sex]
Lois Griffin: Last night was amazing.
Peter Griffin: It was, wasn't? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.

Peter Griffin: Now come here, my fat concubine.
[shoves a slice of cake in Lois's mouth]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not even hungry.
Peter Griffin: I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me.


"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.

Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.

Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!

Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.

Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.


"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Peter, one of these days I'm gonna need to use the mirror.
Peter Griffin: Oh beans, I can't get this spit curl to... Wait a minute. Lois, what day is it?
Lois Griffin: Thursday.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Oh God, I am late!
Lois Griffin: Well, if you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter Griffin: No, I mean I am 'late' late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois Griffin: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't have a lot of options, I'm Catholic! God, I thought you would be happy for me!

Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.

Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Gloria Ironbox: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be.
Lois Griffin: You... bitch!

Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.


"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!

Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.

Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!

Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
[They Hug]

Lois Griffin: [during foreplay, Lois has discovered a lump on her breast] Peter, we're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump.
Peter Griffin: I have a lump, too, and mine's easier to get rid of.

Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
[seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
[Peter fires another shot, which misses]
Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
[another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!


"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.

[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?

Lois Griffin: Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry, honey, I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top... uhh, Sean Hayes, oh, you get the picture.
Lois Griffin: Please?
Carter Pewterschmidt: No!
Lois Griffin: OK. You know, maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
Carter Pewterschmidt: Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us?
Lois Griffin: He'd love to, Daddy.
Carter Pewterschmidt: That sounds dynamite.

Lois Griffin: Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax.
Stewie Griffin: Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
[cutaway to Stewie in a gay disco full of muscular men dancing shirtless]
Stewie Griffin: [shouting over the music] I know the guy that owns this place!
Man: What?
Stewie Griffin: I said, I know the guy that... oh, I'll you later, I love this song!
[Stewie grooves to the music]

Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, everyone.
Lois Griffin: Hi, Daddy.
Peter Griffin: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois Griffin: No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?
[he lights a cigarette and stubs it out on Peter's chest]
Peter Griffin: That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.


"Family Guy: Space Cadet (#11.9)" (2013)
Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.

Lois Griffin: Y'know Chris, it's not too late to change your mind about Space Camp, sometimes it could be tough to fit in with a new group of people
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I sure had my troubles when I got involved with the boy scouts.
Peters lawyer: [Flashback to peter at a public hearing with his lawyer] At no time were the campers in Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously, they merely engaged in horseplay.
Newsman: Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys?
Peters lawyer: [Peter nods to him excitedly] Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations.

Lois Griffin: [to Chris] We weren't talking about you.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know.
Meg Griffin: [off screen] Fuck you!
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Chris!

Lois Griffin: Hey, Chris! There's my big, smart son. My special guy. My Chrissy.
Stewie Griffin: Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again.

Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

Meg Griffin: I never got to go to college!
Brian Griffin: My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I wanted to grow old with you!
Peter Griffin: Well, you kind of did.


"Family Guy: Seahorse Seashell Party (#10.2)" (2011)
Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
[Brian's lapping stops]
Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.

Lois Griffin: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois Griffin: [scoffs] So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences
Meg Griffin: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois Griffin: What's your point, Meg?
Meg Griffin: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois Griffin: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg Griffin: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again!
[Lois' lips quiver, then she cries]
Stewie Griffin: [looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".
Lois Griffin: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!
[Lois sits down in a chair crying as Peter whispers something in Meg's ear]
Meg Griffin: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means.
Peter Griffin: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Meg Griffin: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter Griffin: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg Griffin: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
[Peter giggles]
Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]
Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.
Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Lois Griffin: Meg, watch it.
Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!
[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!
[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]
Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him.
[picks up Stewie]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.
[Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/]
Peter Griffin: Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!


"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]

[Peter has just eaten all the dehydrated food rations]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter Griffin: Huh. What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water, then immediately balloons to several times his size]
Peter Griffin: Everybody leave. I have to poop. *NOW!*
[the family runs away]

Randy Newman: [singing about what he sees] Fat man with his kids and dog... Drove in through the morning fog... Hey there, rover, come on over.
Lois Griffin: Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
Randy Newman: Red headed lady reaching for an apple... gonna take a bite... uhh, nope nope... she gonna breath on it first... wipes it on her blouse...
Randy Newman: [pauses] She takes a bite... chews it once... twice... three times... four times... stops...
Randy Newman: [Lois glares at him] Saliva working... takes a long hard look at Randy... Five times... Fat ol' husband walkin' over.
Lois Griffin: Let's get the hell out of here.
Randy Newman: They walkin' down the road... left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, lef...
[Lois throws the apple at him]

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead Lois!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, okay, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Lois look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Lois back away slowly]

Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.


"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror] Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian Griffin: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie Griffin: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

Chris Griffin: [Looking at the Griffin family album] And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!
Lois Griffin: And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.
Chris Griffin: You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!

[Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I love you Peter!
Peter Griffin: And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!

Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: See, Meg?
Chris Griffin: [shouts] I'm the favorite!

[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.

[during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.


"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi!
[Peter laughs, and Lois walks away]
Peter Griffin: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.

Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut". That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster". And they're all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster".

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.


"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing, eh?
Glen Quagmire: [From a distance] GIGGITY!

Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!

Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm off.
Lois Griffin: Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck where you wind up.
Peter Griffin: Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
Brian Griffin: I'm just going away for a few days.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Okay.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? It would be that easy for you?
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck"? What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin: Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?
Brian Griffin: You know what? Never mind.
Lois Griffin: Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.
Lois Griffin: And we're prepared for that.

Brian Griffin: So, there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.
Lois Griffin: Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?
Brian Griffin: [pause] Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said?

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay.
Lois Griffin: What? Quagmire never said anything about that.
Peter Griffin: I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it.
Lois Griffin: Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?
Peter Griffin: Well, a lot of little things; the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the entire DVD set of "Sex and the City" between his butt cheeks.
Lois Griffin: Peter, no he didn't!
Peter Griffin: No, he didn't. He had the DVD set; I was just being colorful with the rest of it.

Glenn Quagmire: [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
Peter Griffin: Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
Glenn Quagmire: No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gay.
Glenn Quagmire: It's totally different!
Lois Griffin: Sounds the same.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, it's not!
Peter Griffin: Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
Glenn Quagmire: No, he'd date men.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: Gay.

Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.


"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [on the telephone] So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
[laughs]
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.

Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Lois Griffin: It's just my noodle kaboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.
Brian Griffin: Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you
Lois Griffin: Its just noodle kaboodle.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what are these hard things?
Lois Griffin: M & M's. I ran out of paprika.

Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?

Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you Diane.Sex. Some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person would do that?" you might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now. Possibly doing drugs.Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover .
Glen Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole'!
Lois Griffin: Oh. It's so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.


"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch!

Lois (Princess Leia): Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Um, actually that's me. I made a Darth Doody. I sithed my pants. My diaper's gone over to the darkside. I got pages of these, I could go on.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): I can't believe he's gone.
Lois (Princess Leia): I know, Luke. But it's true. He's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading. But to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Princess Leia): No!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): [to Vader] She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): ...Yeah.

Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, who are you?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah! Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?


"Family Guy: He's Bla-ack! (#12.20)" (2014)
Lois Griffin: Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her?
Brian Griffin: Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich?
Lois Griffin: Brian, why are you bringing race into this?
Brian Griffin: Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things. That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.
Lois Griffin: That's because you're color blind, Brian.

Lois Griffin: Donna, what gives you the right to spank my child?
Donna Tubbs: It always smells like the same meal over here.
Donna Tubbs: I hit him for a reason. He broke my vase. And maybe I wouldn't have to discipline your child if you did it yourself!
Lois Griffin: Oh, please! The only thing kids learn from spanking is adults don't have the patience to teach them.
Donna Tubbs: Bull honky.

Lois Griffin: [to Donna] I don't spank and my children are very well-behaved.
Donna Tubbs: Oh, yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now.
Lois Griffin: [sees Stewie standing on the roof] Stewie! You get down from there this instant!
Stewie Griffin: Munch me, bitch!
Lois Griffin: Right now, Stewie or you're in time-out!
Stewie Griffin: How many gray pubes you pluck today, you old bag?

Donna Tubbs: [to Lois] Your time-outs are a joke. You're a terrible parent.
Lois Griffin: I'm a terrible parent? You're a child abuser! You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other!
Peter Griffin: Well, Cleveland, looks like these two little alley cats have scrapped it out. I'll see you tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: That includes you, Peter. I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again.
Donna Tubbs: And Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again!

Lois Griffin: Peter, let's just give Susie her gift, eat our cake and leave. I don't want to be here with that Brown family.
Stewie Griffin: That sounds even more racist than it is.


"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?
Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death!
Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death?
Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat!
Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!
[crashing sound, gasps and screams are heard]
Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back!
[crashing sound and groans are heard]
Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror!
Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet!
[crashing sound and screams are heard]
Woman: My baby's dead!
Peter Griffin: It's over.

[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!

Peter Griffin: [after the horse pees on the carpet] You know what? I don't want that him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee.
Lois Griffin: Peter, we...
Peter Griffin: Everybody pee... Now!
Stewie Griffin: We are an unusual family.

Lois Griffin: Peter, are you... gay?
Peter Griffin: [in a high-pitched voice] Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Meg Griffin: So Dad's gonna be gay forever?
Lois Griffin: Possibly, Meg. We're all gonna have to get used to this and learn to accept your father for who he is.
Stewie Griffin: Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea. Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses and you don't even know how to read.
Stewie Griffin: Welcome to America, Brian.


"Family Guy: Fat Guy Strangler (#4.17)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cut to Lois helping Peter out of the bar]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter is seen taking his physical alongside Lois]
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?
[Doctor pulls out the comics]
Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[Looks at Peter]
Doctor: Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[Opens booklet and screams]
Doctor: [Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: There's a spider in here!
[Turns to them]
Doctor: Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this...
[Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]
Doctor: ... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.

Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[to Peter]
Doctor: Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[picks up a chart]
Doctor: AH!
[drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here.
[shakes the chart, the spider crawls out]
Doctor: Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Brian Griffin: Look!
[Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.

Meg Griffin: I miss Uncle Patrick
Lois Griffin: Don't worry kids, we'll visit him once a month.
Chris Griffin: We'll be his period.


"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
[Joe is hanging from a ledge and Lois is trying to pull him back up]
Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!
[Lois starts to loosen her grip]
Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Uh, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence".
[cut to scene from The Age of Innocence]
Daniel Day-Lewis: It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [woodenly] That would be *most* good, Newland. *Most* good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, turns to crew off-camera] I'm sorry, but she is just awful. Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Director: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Director: Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great! All right, we got a movie.

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child
[her grip starts to slip]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!


"Family Guy: The Peanut Butter Kid (#14.11)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Hey, God. It's the Griffins. Again, we are very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death. But we still want a snowmobile.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin, Meg Griffin, Chris Griffin, Stewie Griffin: Amen.

Lois Griffin: This is serious. We need to think about our kids' education. Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college and Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Stewie Griffin: No, Chris. Not yay.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Peter Griffin: Well, that's only half the story. I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding.

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?


"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.
Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!

Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] Would you sleep with Peter?
Lois' Mom (Barbara): [definitively] Of course dear.

Bill Clinton: [after having sex with Lois] Hey, you up for a little NAFTA?
Lois Griffin: What's that?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon Fuckin' That Ass!
[laughs]

Lois Griffin: Brian, what's this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop.


"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?
[farts, and his eye turns dark red]
Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plow you.


"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.
Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!

Peter Griffin: [refusing to accept he's lost] You know I can't ask another human being for directions.
Lois Griffin: Why not?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm a man. Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?

Stewie Griffin: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! That's a terrible thing to say.
[background fades to black]
Lois Griffin: This one particular tribe has lost their way, but most Native Americans are proud, hard-working people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly NOT savages.
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy, like the dirty Mexicans.
[background fades to black]
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Meg Griffin: Yeah, not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.
[background fades to black]
Meg Griffin: Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, which is more than we ever got from those free-loading Canadians.
[background fades to black]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks!

Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.


"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [fed up with one mishap after another] So you can cook your own damned turkey, wrap your own damned presents - and while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to Hell!

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Lois Griffin: Must... kill... star!


"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?
Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.

Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!


"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: [on drugs] My day? Un-freaking-believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake!
[draws heavily on his cigarette then exhales]
Brian Griffin: Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was!
[everyone at the Table stares at him, then... ]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

[the family is sitting in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[it switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It's so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... more or less...

Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.
[Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait!
[He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin: Hold on a second.
[Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin: Airport please.
[Car runs]

[Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user]
Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?


"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Lois Griffin: [Stewie is refusing to eat his broccoli] My, aren't we fussy tonight? Okay, no broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well, then. Like...
[Lois forcefully sticks a forkful of broccoli into his mouth]
Stewie Griffin: [spitting the broccoli out] Who the hell do you think you are?


"Family Guy: Stewie Loves Lois (#5.1)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him!
[Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi.
[Runs off giggling]

Lois Griffin: Oh my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water.
[gasps]
Lois Griffin: I'm just like Barbara Bush!

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi...
[runs off giggling]


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Mom (#13.10)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it] Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them?
Lois Griffin: Well, Peter...
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man!
Stewie Griffin: [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off] I will NOT see you Monday!

Lois Griffin: [When Peter throws a party] Peter, what the hell is going on?
Teenager: [to Peter] Oh, dude, is that your mom?
Lois Griffin: No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.
Peter Griffin: That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.

Lois Griffin: Glenn, what the hell's going on?
Glenn Quagmire: It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?


"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Bocce balls!

Lois Griffin: Brian, save your hippie B.S. for the winter months.

Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]


"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.
[gasps]
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH MY GOD! You kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my crotch.

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
[Lois looks up to find Meg had left and Brian is standing outside the door]
Brian Griffin: I love you!

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?


"Family Guy: Dammit Janet (#2.15)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.
Brian Griffin: We could get hammered.

Lois Griffin: Uh, Well, this is just great! How the Hell are we supposed to get home?
Peter Griffin: Look, all we got to do is to get some fake passports on the black market.
Lois Griffin: Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market!
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's what you said about that back-alley-abortionist! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you changed your mind, the point is I *found* the guy.

Lois: It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".


"Family Guy: Chap Stewie (#12.21)" (2014)
Lois Griffin: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie.
[Stewie bites her thumb]
Lois Griffin: Ow! Screw you, you little turd!

Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris Griffin: Where?
Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into and breaks the TV]
Stewie Griffin: No!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!

Lois Griffin: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yay!
[blows out both cakes' candles]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Yay, double wishes!
[a meteorite lands on Meg]
Peter Griffin: One.
[the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar]
Peter Griffin: Two.


"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.
[music in]
Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!

Lois Griffin: Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?
Peter Griffin: [half-heartedly] Oh, all right.
[he rolls on top of her, but before they can do anything, an airhorn sounds]
FCC officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois Griffin: What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?
FCC officer: Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
Lois Griffin: [after a moment of silence] Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
Peter Griffin: [his eyes glazing over] I'm done. Night, Lois.
[he falls asleep]


"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't clean - I got stuff to do!
Lois Griffin: Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do.

Lois Griffin: Oh look, Meg, it's your little baby booties, oh and your little bronzed hat, and your tail.
Meg Griffin: My what?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.

Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.
[shudders]


"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!

Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

Peter Griffin: I can't believe we lost the talent show. I wonder where we went wrong?
Chris Griffin: I think I can shed some light on that. You guys were so baked you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience.
Lois Griffin: And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.
Chris Griffin: Well, that's a common misconception, Mom and Dad, but the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC - a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason they call it "dope".


"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, I've made a terrible mistake! I've been brainwashed like Elizabeth Smart.
Elizabeth Smart's father: [talking to reporters while Elizabeth plays music in the background] It's so wonderful having her home again. She's brought music back into the house, playing songs on the Harp... of course most them are about rape, but it's still nice.

Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!

Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
[makes telephone gesture, speaks camply]
Jasper: Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend:
[laughs]
Jasper: Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!


"Family Guy: Brothers & Sisters (#9.15)" (2011)
[Doorbell rings, Lois answers the door]
Lois Griffin: Mayor West? What are you doing here?
Mayor Adam West: I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.
Lois Griffin: Then what are you still doing here?
Mayor Adam West: It's my first house. I'm not very good at this.

Lois Griffin: Carol, I'm really not sure you should be rushing into another marriage right now.
Carol Pewterschmidt: Well Lois, I appreciate your input, but I'm capable of making my own decisions.
Lois Griffin: Are you sure? I mean, look at your track record. Nine divorces! Do you really enjoy being Carol Pewterschmidt-Johnson-Carrington-Stone-O'Craggity-Canseco-Shteinholtz-Washington-Proudfoot-Fong?

[During dinner, Lois is trying to dissuade her sister from marrying once again by having a few of her ex-husbands showing up unannounced]
Carol Pewterschmidt: Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois.
Lois Griffin: And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate.
Peter Griffin: Oh God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.
[Randall enters room]
Randall Carrington: Hey you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago.
Peter Griffin: Ah, all right. You got the food?
Randall Carrington: No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store.
Peter Griffin: It's 9:30 at night!
Randall Carrington: Well, you better get going.
Peter Griffin: Son of a fuck!


"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, check it out, it's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy!
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: I don't like her.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: No.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.


"Family Guy: Stewie Kills Lois (#6.4)" (2007)
Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!
[Stewie shoots Lois]


"Family Guy: There's Something About Paulie (#2.16)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
[Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.

Lois Griffin: Peter, how can we afford this?
Peter Griffin: Let's just say the car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: Say that again.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: This time without winking.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal. Wink.


"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm gonna come right out with it. I think it would be hot for you and me to have sex in my office.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. There's no way that is going to happen. You know, it's no wonder you're so far behind in your work if this is how you behave at the office...

Peter Griffin: Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you Xerox your penis?
Peter Griffin: 300 times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired.

Lois Griffin: Oh, God, Peter let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now!
Peter Griffin: Lois, Lois wait. Wait. Opie's right there.
Lois Griffin: I want him to look, Peter.


"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home!
[she looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're... that fat guy from _Boogie Nights And you're the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
[nasally laugh]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, I do not sound like that. Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we lost our daughter!

Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin: I quit!

Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.


"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.


"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"

Lois Griffin: [on the phone] Mother, you know how I hate asking for money. But... mother, Peter's an excellent provider. No, mother, I do not think I'd be better off married to a chimp.


"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Peter I wish you'd get rid of this thing; it is an absolute eyesore.
Peter Griffin: What do you care Lois? You girls got the Clam, we've got the Quahog Men's Club. Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
[Shot changes to outside of the second floor of the house, where there's a giant hole in Stewie's room]
Stewie Griffin: What is this? There's something wrong with the house! I don't like change!

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...


"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?

[Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?
[Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.


"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.
Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.
Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
[Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"]


"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.

Meg Griffin: Jeff! What are you doing here? I'm not supposed to see you.
Jeff Campbell: Your parents invited me.
Meg Griffin: My parents? But they wouldn't...
Lois Griffin: [she and Peter stand naked nearby] Yes, we would.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my god! What are you doing?
Lois Griffin: We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.
Chris Griffin: [entering, also naked] Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?


"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!


"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Peter: I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO!
[runs out of the room]
Lois: What?
[Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally]


"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Lois Griffin: Okay, everyone, it's 2:30! Time for dinner! 'Cause on Thanksgiving, 2:30 is dinnertime for some reason!

Ida Davis: Maybe it's time for us girls to hit the powder room.
Lois Griffin: You may use the yard.


"Family Guy: Road to Rhode Island (#2.13)" (2000)
Dr. Amanda Rebecca: We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
[rewinds]

Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass.
[takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]


"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

[Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.


"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Black guys.

[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!


"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.

Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?


"Family Guy: Bigfat (#11.17)" (2013)
[Peter is dreaming about Stan Smith killing him for telling Quagmire about Roger]
Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.
[Hank Hill comes out of the bathroom]
Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?
[Hank wakes up in his own bed with Peggy still sleeping beside him]
Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Lois Griffin: [finds her sequinned top in the garbage] Who threw out my sequinned top?
Stewie Griffin: [off-screen, upstairs in bedroom] You're 43, accept it!


"Family Guy: Encyclopedia Griffin (#13.11)" (2015)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I was at the park with Stewie and someone stole his tricycle. And during like the one second I was looking down at my phone and not at him.

Lois Griffin: Maybe it's our fault Chris has such a screwed-up idea about what a relationship is. I mean, let's be honest, we're not exactly the model of a healthy marriage.
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time I pushed off of you after sex and bruised your boob?


"Family Guy: A Hero Sits Next Door (#1.5)" (1999)
Bonnie Swanson: The movers tracked grease all over the carpet. I've tried everything to get it out.
Lois Griffin: What about lemon juice?
Fan at ball game: What about club soda?
Stewie Griffin: What about shutting the hell up?

[Meg is trying to get Kevin next door to notice her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.


"Family Guy: Road to Europe (#3.20)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.

Donnie: [after Lois reveals she "did" KISS] Lois, you got any tips for the young girls in the audience tonight?
Lois Griffin: Well, the best advice I can give is that you never know who's gonna grow up to be famous, so just make yourself available.


"Family Guy: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (#2.1)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Oh come on Lois. It's time to act like the piece of schmidt you are
Lois Griffin: That's Pewterschmidt

[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.


"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Lois Griffin: I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.
Peter Griffin: [lifting up Lois's shirt, exposing her bra] There, now they're old news.
Lois Griffin: [embarrassed, pulling her shirt back down] Peter!


"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me!
Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my penis.

[last lines of the episode, as the Griffins sit on the couch after Peter apparently fixed the timeline]
Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter Griffin: Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.
[Roger from "American Dad!" walks up to the Griffins]
Roger Smith: Who ate all the pecan sandies?


"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago?
Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her.
Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there.
Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here?
Consuela: I wait for rain to stop.
Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home.
Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay.
Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night.
Consuela: Uh... I stay here?
Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that.
Consuela: I stay here.


"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!

[last lines]
Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
Peter Griffin: We had the abortion.


"Family Guy: FOX-y Lady (#7.10)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Gush, it's an awfully big decision.
Anchorman: Lois please, take the job for Fox' sake.

Anchorman: And this is the kitchen. We've got all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here.
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't see the refrigerator.
Anchorman: Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina.


"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
[Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom]
Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
[cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters]
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
[Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment]

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement


"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]

Peter Griffin: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?
Lois Griffin: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones.


"Family Guy: Friends of Peter G. (#9.10)" (2011)
Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.

Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"


"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!


"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: We'll meet you in the ten-inches-or-less line.
[beat; Lois realizes what she's just said as she walks away]
Lois Griffin: Items!

Meg Griffin: [after getting humiliated by Connie] Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan.
Lois Griffin: Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Connie's front doorbell rings]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie D'Amico: Sixteen.
Glen Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie D'Amico: [calling offscreen] Mom!
Glen Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.


"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Machine: You have 113 new messages.
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Herbert: Uh, yeah, I was just wonderin', uh... where the newspaper boy was.
[beep]
Herbert: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gon' come back.
[beep]
Herbert: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
[beep]
Herbert: Where are ya?
[beep]
Herbert: Ah, you're startin' to piss me off, you little piggly sumbitch. Call me.

[the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.


"Family Guy: The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (#4.5)" (2005)
Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

[Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch]
Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you.
[Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him]
Lois Griffin: You're not helping!


"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love.
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels!
[she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!

[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!


"Family Guy: Fighting Irish (#13.17)" (2015)
Miss Tammy: Oh, Lois, I'm glad you're here. I noticed that you're one of the moms who hasn't yet signed up to be a classroom volunteer.
Lois Griffin: Oh, I-I just assumed after that incident in the parking lot with that bitch in the Lexus, you wouldn't want me to. But, yeah, I'd be happy to help out in the class.
Stewie Griffin: What? I don't want you here. This is my turf. I don't bother you when you're sitting on the washing machine, screaming Aaron Eckhart's name.

Lois Griffin: [after Landon spills a drink on himself and starts crying] Oh, Landon, what's the matter? Aw, did you spill juice on yourself, sweetheart?
Stewie Griffin: Sweetheart? Slow your roll there, Cougar Town.


"Family Guy: Stew-Roids (#7.13)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Now, honey, this won't hurt.
[Dabs Stewie with disinfectant]
Stewie Griffin: Ah, those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!
[Cut to sinister Johnson and Johnson HQ]
Scientist #1: We'll put "No more tears" on the bottle.
Scientist #2: But it does make you cry.
Scientist #1: I know. Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
Scientist #2: Whoo-ha-ha-ha.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what exactly are you worried will happen because of this?
Peter Griffin: World War 5!
Lois Griffin: Peter, we've talked about this, there has to be a World War 3 and 4 first.
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, Lois. That's the beauty of World War 5. It's so intense it jumps right over World War 3 and 4.
Lois Griffin: But that's...
Peter Griffin: I have spoken!


"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
[last lines]
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"


"Family Guy: Hot Shots (#15.6)" (2016)
Brian Griffin: I can't believe you guys. Don't you realize you're contributing to a potential public health disaster by not vaccinating your child?
Lois Griffin: That's exactly the point. My child. He's my child and nothing matters more than his well-being.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. This is gonna be a Lois story, isn't it?
[to the camera]
Stewie Griffin: "Game of Thrones" is on. Just a reminder.

Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, Peter! You've got measles!
Peter Griffin: Now hold on, hold on. Before we all freak out, it might just be full body herpes.
Meg Griffin: Wait, you guys. Dad might not have been vaccinated. Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico?
Peter Griffin: Nobody remembers that, Meg.


"Family Guy: Brian Does Hollywood (#3.2)" (2001)
Director: [to Lois] You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois Griffin: [gasps and nudges Peter] Peter!
Peter Griffin: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years.

Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!


"Family Guy: Mind Over Murder (#1.4)" (1999)
Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
[She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
[She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter Griffin: All right that's it!

Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[grunts]


"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
[Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... was..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... born..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... in..."
Peter Griffin: And this one?
Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?

Lois Griffin: [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk] Tonight we're going to try formula instead.
[Stewie sucks on the bottle, but immediately spits the contents out]
Stewie Griffin: Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.
[cutaway; Brian and Stewie are on the couch, when Peter enters dressed like Daisy Duke]
Peter Griffin: So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.
[Peter bends over and his shorts ride up his butt crack; Brian and Stewie cover their eyes and groan in disgust]
Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing.


"Family Guy: Secondhand Spoke (#12.15)" (2014)
Lois Griffin: Dr. Hartman, we're here for you to help Peter quit smoking.
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, I can't do that. It's an addiction. I can't even get my son to quit being gay.

Peter Griffin: Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not how it works. The damage you've done is irreversible.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and your lungs is no doubt exponentially worse.
Peter Griffin: What? Well, try cutting to the outside of the house over some music. That usually works.
[Scene cuts away to the outside of house and then back inside with Peter still looking bad]
Peter Griffin: Fuck!


"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [about Peter] This is a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.

[watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.


"Family Guy: Turkey Guys (#13.5)" (2014)
Lois Griffin: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
Peter Griffin: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on "Evan Almighty"! Zap!

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] We'll be back with a turkey faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
Lois Griffin: Jack Ro...
[slurs]
Lois Griffin: Jack Ro...
[slurs]
Peter Griffin: She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain that says, "Jack Robinson." We got plenty of time.


"Family Guy: The Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.

Meg Griffin: Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody spit on Meg!
Meg Griffin: [the family spits on her] Stop! Stop, you guys! Ah! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay. I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there.
Peter Griffin: Come on! They're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit.
Lois Griffin: Be careful, Meg.
Meg Griffin: [Peter pushes her into the vent, followed by sounds of her falling down] Ahh! Ahh! I hate you all!


"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!


"Family Guy: And I'm Joyce Kinney (#9.9)" (2011)
Pastor: [after he finds out Lois was in a pornographic film] You are no longer welcome here, Lois Griffin.
Lois Griffin: But Father, I've been a member of this church for...
Pastor: Leave this house of God!
Lois Griffin: But I love the church. It's an important part of my life.
Pastor: Maybe you should have thought about that before you made a porn.
Lois Griffin: But father, I didn't mea... wait, did you say a porn?
Pastor: Yes.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Well that's kind of weird.
Pastor: What?
Lois Griffin: Well, I mean you gotta say you made porn or you made a porno. You don't say "made a porn", it hits the ear wrong.
Pastor: Oh, God, have I been saying it wrong this whole time?
[the altar boys nod]

Lois Griffin: It was back in a disgusting period known as the early 80s. It was a time when women would stand topless, high on coke, on the edge of hotel balconies while the curtains were billowing around them... I think there was actually more wind then.


"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: Brian tried to have sex with me last night.
Peter Griffin: Was he bigger than me?


"Family Guy: Mr. Saturday Knight (#3.9)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [dressed up like female prostitute] Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car!
Peter Griffin: But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
Lois Griffin: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
Brian Griffin: It means that he'll...
[gets interrupted]
Peter Griffin: Be cool.


"Family Guy: A Shot in the Dark (#14.9)" (2015)
Lois Griffin: Peter, where are you? Peter! Okay, I'm starting The Good Wife without you!
Peter Griffin: Whew! Heh, unlike you I just dodged a bullet.


"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: What?


"Family Guy: Brian the Bachelor (#4.7)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. Peter, it looks like there's been a break-in!
Peter Griffin: [sarcastic] DUUUUUUH... Do you think so?


"Family Guy: Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date (#15.5)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Why would you visit Bonnie's Facebook page?
Meg Griffin: Because she's a fucking smoke show!


"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Brian Griffin: I'll be in the basement.
Lois Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: Whaddaya think?


"Family Guy: Underage Peter (#14.14)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me?
Peter Griffin: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on.
Lois Griffin: Did you destroy the library?
Peter Griffin: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television.


"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]


"Family Guy: Take My Wife (#13.18)" (2015)
Quagmire: So when do we leave?
Lois: Oh. Sorry Glenn, the deal was for couples only. I'm afraid you can't come.
Quagmire: All right, FINE. Since you all will be gone, I will just walk around my yard naked, pee anywhere I want. I don't care.


"Family Guy: The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin (#13.6)" (2014)
Jesus Christ: Lois... Seems like you folks learned... the lesson I intended.
Peter Griffin: *What* lesson?
Jesus Christ: Oh, you know... uuuh... That... this holiest of days is about... appreciating... our loved ones and... uuuuh... resisting... temptation.
Lois Griffin: Oh... So it was a test. Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
Jesus Christ: Yes! *That*! That's exactly right! Uuuuh... well. I can see my work here is done.
Peter Griffin: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Jesus Christ: Yeah I guess, who cares. I'm not even real, Merry Christmas.


"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]


"Family Guy: No Meals on Wheels (#5.14)" (2007)
[Peter, who has taken to giving his family static electricity shocks, is hiding from Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I swear to God, if you shock me, I'm leaving you.


"Family Guy: Padre de Familia (#6.6)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Hello, my American family.
Lois Griffin: Peter, where did you get that suit?
Stewie Griffin: My God, you look like the Statue of Liberty's pimp!


"Family Guy: The Book of Joe (#13.2)" (2014)
Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?


"Family Guy: Halloween on Spooner Street (#9.4)" (2010)
Lois Griffin: Chris you can't walk around in black face, that's racist. Now go put on that Indian Chief costume I bought you.


"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [about Nigel] He's Charming. All british men are.
Peter Griffin: Sure Lois, that's what they said about that Benjamin Disraeli guy.
Benjamin Disraeli: [Writing at desk after a pause] You don't know who I am!


"Family Guy: Gronkowsbees (#15.11)" (2017)
Peter Griffin: Ordering a drone is gonna be a blast! Even more fun than when I had breakfast in bread.
Peter Griffin: [cut to a scene where Peter is baked into a large loaf of bread] Hi, Lois. It's a great morning. No matter how you SLICE it.
Lois Griffin: I don't know what this is Peter, but we are four months behind our mortgage.
Peter Griffin: Well, that's odd. It's not like we're short on DOUGH.
Lois Griffin: I'm taking the kids and staying at my parents' house for a while.
Peter Griffin: That's the YEAST of my concerns!


"Family Guy: McStroke (#6.8)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome.
Brian Griffin: I think it's gay.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!
Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.


"Family Guy: Jungle Love (#4.13)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Oh, Chris, my baby! I'm telling you, Peter, I never should have let him out of my stomach!


"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [sees the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What's going on down here?
Stewie Griffin: Uh, we're playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.


"Family Guy: An App a Day (#14.13)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: [Speaking to Peter] Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?


"Family Guy: Brian Sings & Swings (#4.19)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.


"Family Guy: Call Girl (#11.14)" (2013)
[the romance in Peter and Lois's relationship had been rekindled]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!
Chris Griffin: [running out in disgust] Gross!
Peter Griffin: I'm gonna wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.
Meg Griffin: [also running out in disgust] Oh, my god!
Stewie Griffin: [Peter and Lois kiss on the couch] Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter-way?


"Family Guy: Holy Crap (#2.2)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a Catholic.
[flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and spray painted underneath is "To a Protestant whore"]


"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.


"Family Guy: Life of Brian (#12.6)" (2013)
Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all.
[dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead.
[the family hold each others hands and cry]


"Family Guy: Once Bitten (#13.15)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: Lois, can you pour my juice? I can't lift my arm.
Lois Griffin: I still can't believe Brian bit you. It just doesn't seem like him.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, because you know him so well...! Shut your faaaaaaace.


"Family Guy: The Boys in the Band (#15.1)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's not a horse. Chris, what the hell is that?
Chris Griffin: Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.
Lois Griffin: What is a horse gimp?
Chris Griffin: It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.


"Family Guy: The Splendid Source (#8.19)" (2010)
[Extended DVD scene]
Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.


"Family Guy: Carter and Tricia (#15.8)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian Griffin: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.


"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.


"Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Lois Griffin: That's it.


"Family Guy: A Fish Out of Water (#3.10)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: See you in a few days.
Meg Griffin: Not if I strangle myself with seaweed wrap and die.
Peter Griffin: Ho, ho, you are dark.


"Family Guy: German Guy (#9.11)" (2011)
Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible!
Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way.


"Family Guy: Brian: Portrait of a Dog (#1.7)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.


"Family Guy: If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (#2.9)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [seeing Peter's "followers" building a golden statue of him] Oh, my God!
Peter Griffin: [slyly] Yes?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not funny.


"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
[first lines]
Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.


"Family Guy: Brian's Play (#11.10)" (2013)
Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] I knew my play was good, just like I knew your play was a mediocre patchwork of hackneyed ideas and tired clichés. You have no idea how hard it was to sit in that theater with all those braying hyenas. Couldn't you tell something was up when Chris and the fat man could follow the plot? I mean, it took Peter a year to figure out "Stuart Little."
Peter Griffin: [Cutaway to Peter reading "Stuart Little"] I just figured it out. "Stuart" means mouse.
Lois Griffin: No, Peter.
Peter Griffin: Little means mouse?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I feel so old and in the way.


"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't...
[eyes widen looking toward the window]
Peter Griffin: oh... crap!
[Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]


"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"


"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs. Griffin, it's a boy. Wait, there's more...
Lois Griffin: Oh my god! Is it twins?
Doctor: No, it's a map of Europe.


"Family Guy: Be Careful What You Fish For (#10.14)" (2012)
Brian Griffin: [When Stewie comes home from daycare with one of his arms hanging limply and dragging along the floor] Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at day care?
Stewie Griffin: I escaped.
Brian Griffin: What happened to your arm?
Stewie Griffin: I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh, and she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny?
Stewie Griffin: Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom! Mom!
Brian Griffin: [stops Stewie] You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked.
Stewie Griffin: Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?
Brian Griffin: I'll just pop it back in.
Stewie Griffin: You most certainly will not! I need to go to a hospital.
Lois Griffin: [off-screen] Brian, is Stewie in there with you?
Stewie Griffin: Mom!
[Brian grabs Stewie, putting his hand over his mouth as he rips a page out of his book and stuffs it in his mouth]
Brian Griffin: We're in here, Lois. He's napping.
[to Stewie]
Brian Griffin: Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.
[grabs Stewie's arm and starts to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place as Stewie screams into the wad of paper. Stewie pulls free from Brian after a few seconds and tries to crawl away, but Brian grabs him again and continues to try to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place]
Brian Griffin: Get in there! C... come on! Hold still, Stewie!
[Brian grabs his book and uses it to pop Stewie's arm back into place, Stewie spits the paper out and coughs as he rubs his arm]
Stewie Griffin: I'm not saying I like pain, but I'm not saying I don't like it either.


"Family Guy: Excellence in Broadcasting (#9.2)" (2010)
Lois Griffin: Even true things, once said on Fox News, become lies.


"Family Guy: Viewer Mail #2 (#10.22)" (2012)
Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags
[throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims
[emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?


"Family Guy: Bango Was His Name-O (#4.29)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Chris find yourself a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes.


"Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!


"Family Guy: American Gigg-olo (#15.3)" (2016)
Brian Griffin: [to Lois as he walks into the kitchen] Wow, what a day!
Stewie Griffin: Please don't comment.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie Griffin: Bitch.


"Family Guy: Amish Guy (#10.7)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: [the ride is based on "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"] Didn't that movie have like a tall guy in a hat?
Quagmire: Yeah and there was a guy with a mask who wore a mask.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and a guy with an umbrella. And I think he opened it at one point.
Lois Griffin: And it wasn't overly long.
Peter Griffin: No, not overly long.


"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you


"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
[flashback]
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
[stutters]
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
[flashback]
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]