Joe Swanson
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Quotes for
Joe Swanson (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: Ocean's Three and a Half (#7.7)" (2009)
Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there.
Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind?
Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron.
Megatron: Do as I command!
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.

Dr. Hibbert: [Bonnie Swanson is in labor] Okay, Mrs. Swanson, you're almost there. Push! Push!
Joe Swanson: Get outta there! Get the hell outta my wife, you little bastard!

Joe Swanson: Guys! Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital! Quick, Peter, get the car!
Peter Griffin: No way! I don't want pregnant mess in my back seat.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test driving that sports car.

Joe Swanson: I don't know, Peter. We've been out here all day and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlor.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, here comes somebody. Excuse me, stressed-out lady. May I interest you in a full-release relaxation massage?
Woman on street: Oh, yeah. Just what I need: To be rubbed down by a big fatty, an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.
Cleveland Brown: Now we don't have any money, AND our feelings are hurt.

"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
[Joe is hanging from a ledge and Lois is trying to pull him back up]
Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois!
[Lois starts to loosen her grip]
Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!

Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God!
Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?

Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child
[her grip starts to slip]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!

Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!

"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
[the cops are congratulating Brian]
Joe Swanson: Nice work, rookie!
Cop #1: You're a credit to the force!
Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!

Joe Swanson: [to Brian, who just joined the police force] Great job, rookie!
Cop #1: You're a real credit to the force!
Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Joe Swanson: [meeting Quagmire's dad] I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.
[he leans back in his wheelchair, akin to standing up straight, and salutes]
Dan Quagmire: I'll take it. And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.

Joe Swanson: [listening to one of Dan's stories, texting to Peter] How gay is this guy?
Peter Griffin: [texting back] So ducking gay.
[seeing the typo]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct. But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.

"Family Guy: Encyclopedia Griffin (#13.11)" (2015)
Joe Swanson: I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name
Peter Griffin: Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. There's only one name that makes sense
Glenn Quagmire: Dicks for Kids?
Peter Griffin: Dicks for Kids.
Glenn Quagmire: But wait, we want people to know we're grown-ups.
Peter Griffin: Okay. Big Dicks for Kids.
Joe Swanson: Oh, we don't want to sound too old. They're gonna think we're a bunch of old bald geezers.
Peter Griffin: Big Hairy Dicks for Kids.
Cleveland Brown: How are we going to let them know we're veiny?

Cleveland Brown: You think other guys hang out and watch their friend's naked gyrating butt?
Joe Swanson: It's been so long, I don't know what other friends do.

"Family Guy: Extra Large Medium (#8.12)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.
[Peter goes into a trance]
Peter Griffin: Hi everybody it's me Lou Costello! Alright, what's the name of the guy we're looking for?
Joe Swanson: Well, he's an Asian fellow, Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: That's what I want to find out.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: The name of the guy.
Joe Swanson: Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: Are you a cop?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: You handling this case?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: Then what's the name of the guy?
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy we're looking for.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy who's buried.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy with the bomb.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: What street does he live on?
Joe Swanson: First.
Peter Griffin: [Explosion in the background. Melvin Hu's severed leg and rubble fall in front of Joe and Peter] Yeah, I'm not psychic.

[Joe has enlisted the "Psychic" Peter to help in an investigation]
Joe Swanson: All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb...
Peter Griffin: [shushes Joe] Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. Does he have a wife?
Joe Swanson: Uh, yeah.
[an attractive woman walks up and Peter begins fondling her breasts and hips]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[She walks away]
Peter Griffin: It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter?
[the daughter, a fat, unattractive teenager walks up]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe Swanson: Well, yes, but she's only twelve.
Peter Griffin: Okay. Like a young twelve or, like a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" twelve? Which is a real thing, by the way.

"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [in reference to the fish Joe's son caught that broke the line] Heh heh! Looks like that's the one that got away!
Joe Swanson: The hell it is!
[hands a gun to Kevin]
Joe Swanson: You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!
[pause, softer]
Joe Swanson: God, I love him.

Joe Swanson: Nice going, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: Thanks!

"Family Guy: Brokeback Swanson (#14.8)" (2015)
Mental Patient: YOUR MOTHER'S A WHORE!
Joe Swanson: I told you that in confidence, Gary.

Joe Swanson: I'm just glad to be back on my feet. Well, you know what I mean.

"Family Guy: Ready, Willing and Disabled (#3.15)" (2001)
[a slick-looking man drives up to Joe and jumps out of his car]
Slick Guy: Jim Caplin: Sports Agent. You like this car?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Slick Guy: [hands over the keys] It's yours. You like these pants?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Slick Guy: [removes pants and hands them over] They're yours. You know what a merkin is?
Joe Swanson: No.
Slick Guy: [holds his underwear open] Pubic wig. I got one, you want it?
Joe Swanson: No!
Slick Guy: Of course not, you're a classy guy. You want to be rich?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Slick Guy: [takes out a contract] Sign here.

Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.

"Family Guy: He's Bla-ack! (#12.20)" (2014)
Cleveland Brown: Wassup?
[the theme music to "The Cleveland Song" plays as Cleveland approaches the guys at the Clam]
Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Cleveland Brown: All right. I knew this was coming. Everybody, gimme your best shot.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe Swanson: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
Cleveland Brown: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Glenn Quagmire: That's your bar? Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland Brown: This is good. This is constructive.
Glenn Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season 2.
Cleveland Brown: It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
Glenn Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe Swanson: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Cleveland Brown: Anything else?
Peter Griffin: [hands Cleveland a stack of DVDs] Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed and I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland Brown: I... I don't have a DVD player.

Glenn Quagmire: [At Susie Swanson's birthday party] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Great Quagini! Hey-ey, everybody! There's the birthday girl! Oh, oh, what's that behind your ear?
[pulls something from behind Susie's ear]
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, it's a condom!
Joe Swanson: Quagmire, please stop touching my baby with a condom.

"Family Guy: Pilling Them Softly (#14.1)" (2015)
Glenn Quagmire: So I spend like seventy-five dollars on cat toys and what does she play with? A shoelace.
Joe Swanson: [sarcastic] That's crazy.
Glenn Quagmire: Joe, that's been your answer every time I tell a story. It's like you are not even listening...!
Joe Swanson: Well, that's because you were interrupting me when I was telling you about Kevin trying to hang himself with an extension cord.
Glenn Quagmire: I know, that's crazy.

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Mom (#13.10)" (2015)
Joe Swanson: Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape.
Glenn Quagmire: [sighs] All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.
Joe Swanson: [Joe's cell phone buzzes]
[looks at the pictures]
Joe Swanson: Oh, yeah! Boom! You're disgusting. Take him away. We've got all the awesome evidence we need.

"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
Joe Swanson: Listen Brian there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
Cleveland: Brian I want to punch you in the dick right now.

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
[seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
[Peter fires another shot, which misses]
Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
[another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!

"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Joe Swanson: You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm going to start right now.
[turns to Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol working at his desk in the corner]
Peter Griffin: Cratchit! You're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit: But sir, what of Tiny Tim?
Peter Griffin: Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.

"Family Guy: Internal Affairs (#10.23)" (2012)
Joe Swanson: I want a divorce!
Bonnie Swanson: Well you're getting it!

"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it?
Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.

"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Joe Swanson: [after Kevin explains how he faked his death and went AWOL] How could you do that?
Mayor Adam West: Coward!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Traitor!
Chris Griffin: If *you* think I'm gonna masturbate after *this* tonight, you're right!

"Family Guy: The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin (#13.6)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet. All right, so we gotta get you on Facebook. Whoop, lemme just close a couple of these windows... Here we go. Sorry. I was up late last night... had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.
Glenn Quagmire: Lot of POV stuff.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I like to pretend that's mine down there, what's doing all the slapping.
Joe Swanson: [suspicious] Peter, how old is that girl?
Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me. Won't you?
[takes the laptop to his car and drives away]

"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Joe Swanson: [checking his mail] Oh, great. It's here. That mirror I bought on eBay.
[unwrapping and holding the mirror up, he sees Peter's tank behind him]
Joe Swanson: OH, MY GOD!
[rolling away as fast as he can]
Joe Swanson: AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[he bails from his chair, and the tank runs over his legs]
Peter Griffin: Joe, my god. What happened?
Joe Swanson: You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Peter Griffin: [giggling] Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.

"Family Guy: No Meals on Wheels (#5.14)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Joe, I thought you were bringing all your cops buddies here. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe Swanson: Peter, they're paraplegics.

Family Guy (2006) (VG)
Brian Griffin: I'm not the father, Joe!
Joe Swanson: Unless you can prove that Brian, we gotta lock you up.
[Brian and Joe stop at a speedbump]
Joe Swanson: Dammit a speed bump. Who's the wise guy that put this speed bump here? It's not funny! Horowitz I'm looking at you! Yeah! Oh, laugh it up guys! This is in poor taste!

"Family Guy: The Book of Joe (#13.2)" (2014)
Joe Swanson: [about the book he's writing] It's called "The Hopeful Squirrel". It's about a handicapped squirrel who has to learn to overcome his disability so he can survive in the wild. As you can imagine, it's very personal to me.
Peter Griffin: Were... were you once a squirrel?
Joe Swanson: No, Peter. I'm handicapped.

"Family Guy: Back to the Woods (#6.9)" (2008)
[Peter and his friends have heard about an upcoming Barry Manilow concert]
Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.
[long pause]
Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!

"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!

"Family Guy: A Hero Sits Next Door (#1.5)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hiya, Joe.
Joe Swanson: Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up.
Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin: [moans] Are you kidding? You could borrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose.
Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement.
[Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse]
Peter Griffin: [in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!

"Family Guy: Burning Down the Bayit (#10.15)" (2012)
Joe Swanson: What were you doing last night?
Peter Griffin: Fucking your mother.

"Family Guy: Peternormal Activity (#14.4)" (2015)
Quagmire: Is anybody else getting freaked out by all these scary stories?
Joe Swanson: Yea, even my spine is tingling.

"Family Guy: Three Kings (#7.15)" (2009)
Joe Swanson: Mr. Sheldon?
Brian Sheldon: Oh, my God, I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.
[Two shotgun blasts are heard and Joe's legs are blown off. Joe screams in agony]
Joe Swanson: AHH! My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
[Stewie enters the house and points the shotgun at Joe]
Stewie Wilkes: No, you're not.
[He shoots Joe and blood splatters all over his face]

"Family Guy: Candy, Quahog Marshmallow (#14.10)" (2016)
Joe Swanson: [Holing up a dickie shirt] Your dad doesn't wear this dickie anymore? That's crazy. Why would anyone get rid of a perfectly good dickie?
Glenn Quagmire: I see what you're doing and cut it out.

"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement

"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Joe Swanson: BRING IT ON!

"Family Guy: Save the Clam (#11.19)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam] To the Clam!
Glen Quagmire: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: And to mind-damaging STDs!
Glen Quagmire: I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!

"Family Guy: The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (#4.5)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: To the Hindenpeter!
[Peter runs out of the house; a zeppelin flies by the window, followed by an explosion]
Joe Swanson: Oh, my god!
Peter Griffin: Joe, I am so sorry!
Joe Swanson: How do you afford these things?

"Family Guy: The Heartbreak Dog (#14.16)" (2016)
Bonnie Swanson: I couldn't stand another moment with Joe. It was a torture just watching him do a crossword puzzle.
Joe Swanson: Hey Bonnie, what's the five-letter-word for marriage?
Bonnie Swanson: Fraud.
Joe Swanson: Uuuuh, it's gotta start with a "U". UNION! Boy, you stink at this.

"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Joe Swanson: You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.

"Family Guy: Stewie Is Enceinte (#13.12)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: Okay, let's see. Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?
Joe Swanson: Cats!
Peter Griffin: Yes! Cats, good.
Glenn Quagmire: People reacting to gross stuff.
Peter Griffin: Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS".
Cleveland Brown: Can I get a soda?
Peter Griffin: What? No! This is like the worst time to ask for a soda.
Glenn Quagmire: Unbelievable.

"Family Guy: Blind Ambition (#4.3)" (2005)
Cleveland Brown: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watchin' the black ball topple all those self-righteous white pins.
Joe Swanson: Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited.
Cleveland Brown: The black ball's done nothin' wrong.
Joe Swanson: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothin' to fear.

"Family Guy: The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (#5.11)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe?
Joe Swanson: Don't say it Peter.
Peter Griffin: No I was just wondering...
Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to god.
Peter Griffin: What's your handicap?
Joe Swanson: [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.

"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it.
Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.

"Family Guy: Chick Cancer (#5.7)" (2006)
Joe Swanson: [about Peter's film] Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I ever seen.

"Family Guy: The Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.

"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me...
[starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]