Brian Griffin
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Quotes for
Brian Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Odo: I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.
Quark Griffin: Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.
Odo: I mean it! You'll have me to deal with!
Quark Griffin: Ohhhh, I'm really scared.
Odo: I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.
Quark Griffin: Hey, here's an idea: why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

Peter Griffin: We all know that no women anywhere wants to have sex with anyone and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Lois Griffin: Ah, he is so right on. Women are such teases. That's why I went back to men.

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

[repeated line]
Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears?

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. Why don't they get with the freakin program? It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse!

Peter Griffin: [Hosting Family Feud] How are you Betsy, welcome to the show you are a lovely young woman,
[kisses her cheek]
Peter Griffin: and I'll just get my hand up there and feel that one and that one
[squeezes her breasts, she looks at him horrifically]
Peter Griffin: and we're looking for something you shop for at the mall, three seconds.

Peter Griffin: [Dressed up as Spiderman climbing on a clothesline singing to the tune of the Batman theme] Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Spiderman, Spiderman/ Here comes Peter on a clothesline but his name's not Peter it is Spiderman, Spiderman/ Come on Lois let's get busy maybe right here in the garden Spiderman, Spiderman.

Stewie Griffin: Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person
Brian Griffin: You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.
Stewie Griffin: oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight!

Brian Griffin: You're drunk!
Stewie Griffin: [slurred] You're sexy!

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something *Nessa,* a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Peter Griffin: Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm looking for.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, me too. What gives with that?

Stew Griffin: [after having sex with Fran] Um... that's never happened before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
Stew Griffin: Uh, I guess both.
[pause]
Stew Griffin: Do I give you money now?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Brandon Walsh: Good luck, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: [mocking] Good luck, Stewie! That's *you*. That's what *you* sound like.

Stewie Griffin: Ewwww, a band-aid.

Horace: Hey, is he 18?
Brian Griffin: Horace, the drinking age is 21.
Horace: Oh.

Peter Griffin: And you know what else grinds my gears? You America!
[shouts]
Peter Griffin: Fuck you! Diane?

[Brian has died and gone to heaven where he sits in a booth having drinks with some new friends]
Brian Griffin: Wow, look at me! Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
Ernest Hemingway: Yeah, well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh: I could not reconcile my passion with the way people around me were living so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain: I hated the thought of my music become part of some bland corporate mechanism so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin: [sheepish] Yeah I, uh... I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.

Brian Griffin: [Quagmire is planning a cross-country sex trip and has put up a sign on the side of his Winebego] Hey Quagmire, isn't there an "o" in "country"?

Peter Griffin: For more about flatulence, you can visit my ass!
[Peter Farts]

Stewie Griffin: I'm going to go pump the chemical toilet. Apparently you're about to do the same.

Stewie Griffin: Hey Brian! Brian!
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Knock-knock!
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on!
Stewie Griffin: Knock-knock!
Brian Griffin: [sigh] Who's there?
Stewie Griffin: Your friend, Stewie. And he's always gonna be there for you!

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this but... would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Brian Griffin: This is the perfectly destroyed spider web.
Stewie Griffin: Where's the spider?
Brian Griffin: Knock, knock!
Stewie Griffin: Who's there?
Brian Griffin: I ate him!

Peter Griffin: Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? Nobody's come up with a new priest and a rabbi joke in like thirty years. Ya know? I mean, okay, ah, umm. Priest and a rabbi go, go onto the supermarket, and, uh, the priest wants to buy a ham. And the rabbi says, "Ah, I can't eat it. It's forbidden." Couldn't eat it. Not allowed, pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No, but I, I don't see you coming up with anything. And that people is what grinds my gears. Tom?

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Stu visit his family in the future. Lois greets them at the front door] She's still ALIVE? What the hell, man?

Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you heard Captain Syphillis, we're going to California!
Brian Griffin: Oh come on, you can't go alone with Quagmire. Look, I tell you what. If you're serious about this
[sighs]
Brian Griffin: I'll go with you. Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone.
[Stewie presses a button. Robotic duplicates of Brian and Stewie come out of a closet]
"Stewie Griffin" robot: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce?
"Brian Griffin" robot: I am a tool. Stewie is better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Stewie Griffin: Let's see... umm... I think it would have to be... fuck.
TV Presenter: What's your favorite curse word?

Stewie Griffin: [Future Stewie talking about vacations] In fact, just last summer I went back to visit Jesus Christ. Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.

Stewie Griffin: You know what, give me your keys.
Brian Griffin: No, no, I'm fine.
Stewie Griffin: No, no, give me your keys.
Brian Griffin: I'm fine. I'm driving
Stewie Griffin: You're too drunk. Give me your keys.
Brian Griffin: I'm fine. I'm driving.
Stewie Griffin: Peter, Meg, Brian, you're too drunk give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
Brian Griffin: I, I'm, uhhh, you're right. Here here you go.

Stewie Griffin: [Stew is about to have sex with Fran] Yes now go! Put your
[reading from book]
Stewie Griffin: penis in her vagina

Lois Griffin: [Stewie and Lois are at the Community Pool. Lois is trying to teach Stewie- who is pettrified of the water- how to swim] Aw, now don't worry Stewie, there's no need to be afraid, it won't bite you!
Stewie Griffin: SHUT UP! Stupid! What a stupid thing to say! You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Pock shows his recipe for apple strudel.
Peter Griffin: Katie!
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [picks up a post box and throws it through the glass] Katie!
Katie Couric: [turns and shouts angrily] What?
Peter Griffin: Oh, well never mind then.
[walks away]

Stewie Griffin: [looking at Rupert, whose leg has been sewn back on] I say, what happened to his leg? Oh wait, now I remember.
[flashback to Brian and Stewie at the kitchen table]
Brian Griffin: You are really gonna sit there with a straight face and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy.
Stewie Griffin: Not one bit. And it saves millions of man hours that the complexity of the current tax code wastes, which you would realize if you weren't retarded.
[Brian takes Rupert, cuts off his leg, and eats it]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, give him back - stop that - what are you doing? Give me back his leg!
Brian Griffin: [smirking] Oh, you'll get it back.

Brian Griffin: Hey, do you see what I see?
Stewie Griffin: A Dr. Pepper machine!
Brian Griffin: [they get closer to the machine] Damn it! It was mirage!
Stewie Griffin: Ugh, an RC Cola machine.

Katie Couric: Coming up on Today, Tom Cruise has a new movie and we're gonna be talking to him.
Peter Griffin: [Knocking on the window] Katie.
Katie Couric: Funny man Al Frankin will be stopping by for a visit.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 2nd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: And Wolfgang Puck shows his recipe for Apple Strudel.
Peter Griffin: [Knocks on the window a 3rd time] Katie.
Katie Couric: So stay tuned because we got all of this and more coming up on the next hour.
Peter Griffin: [Peter grabs a P.O box and breaks the window] KATIE!
Katie Couric: WHAT?
Peter Griffin: [while walking away] Oh well, never mind.


"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"?
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?
Stormtrooper: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do need business cards for?
Stormtrooper: Well, they're for my cookie business.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I don't want... Oh, my God. That chocolate cookie looks like the Death Star.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: And who are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: ...get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [Leia runs up to Han while he's reading a book] Han! I think there's something...
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Han puts his finger up to quiet Leia and finishes with his current paragraph. Once done he turns to her] Hrmm?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Where?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Out there in the cave!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Ha! Crazy women always hearing things.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: There's something out there!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Let's go check it out.

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Wait a minute.
[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hang on a second.
[Shoots the ground again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What's going on here?
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Just a minute.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Time out.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: This ain't quite right.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Upon seeing Boba Fett for the first time] Ha, ha! The Giant Chicken's Boba Fett!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [to Leia] I'm going to kiss you so hard, the scene is going to change to something different.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [to Lando] Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
[turns to the camera]
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Come on Luke, join the Dark Side - it's really cool!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too quickly.
Imperial Officer: I had that problem with a chick the other night!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, gross!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [On Lando] He's a black guy - in fact he's probably the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Let's hope, right!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Whoa!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet! You're getting there, you're getting there though!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I was trying to call Luke Adams - his name is right next to yours in my helmet!


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Brian Griffin: And remember you had an Irish Coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"?
Peter Griffin: [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Peter Griffin: Not a word to your mother about my getting canned.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing. Ooh, the lost-my-job smells great.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, honey, could you please pass the fired-my-ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you feeling okay?
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about, Lois? I feel great. I haven't got a job in the world!

Brian Griffin: Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you're allowed to fly a blimp?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, America's great, isn't it? 'Cept for the South.

Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Mr. Weed: You're fired!
Peter Griffin: Aw, jeez. For how long?

Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

Stewie Griffin: You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what you're going to get. You're life however is a box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
[pulls out grenades]
Stewie Griffin: Now, I shall give you one last chance at deliverance. Return my mind control device or be destroyed!
Lois Griffin: Oh, you just want you're toy back. Here you go.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[runs out of room]
Stewie Griffin: [grenades explode] AH! DAMN YOU ALL!

Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

Jan Brady: Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike Brady: Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg Brady: No dad.
Mike Brady: Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
Jan Brady: That will teach him.
Mike Brady: And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Lois Griffin: Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
Black Woman: [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No, thank you.
[to his family]
Peter Griffin: See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: And what did you do?
Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.

Mr. Weed: Griffin! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter Griffin: No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.

Glenn Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[chugs a can]
Glenn Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter Griffin: All right! What do I win?
Glenn Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: Alright, I'm goin' for the high score!
Glenn Quagmire: Well, actually *Charlie's* got the high score.
[pan right to a man with his pants down standing in front of a grandfather clock]
Charlie: Hey, man, your clock won't flush!

Peter Griffin: Now, look, kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Brian Griffin: Hey, how's your job search going?
Peter Griffin: Aw, it sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got fired off that commercial.
[cutaway to Peter in a studio dressed as a bird holding a bowl of cereal]
Director: Try it again.
Peter Griffin: I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs.
Director: No! Dammit, take 26.
[cut back to Peter and Brian]
Peter Griffin: And then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restuarant.
[cutaway to a restaurant, Peter is dressed as a policeman standing next to an old lady at a salad bar]
Old Lady: Ah-ah-ah...
Peter Griffin: [brandishing a gun] Take it outside, lady.
[cut back to Peter and Brian]
Peter Griffin: And then I thought I could win some money in that talent show.
[cutaway to a scene from The Sound of Music]
Max Detweiler: And the grand prize goes to: The Von Trapp Family Singers.
[Peter is seen wearing leiderhosen and carrying a sousaphone]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that is bull...
[the last part of the word is drowned out by applause]

[Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas.
Brian Griffin: And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?

Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer.
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score.
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie: Hey man, your clock won't flush.

[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.

[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!

Chris Griffin: All right, Dad! Way to fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How do YOU know about the machine?

Brian Griffin: [to Peter] Ass, ahoy!


"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: Ah... Sorry Doc. I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kinda stuff.
Lady: Wait a minute... Brian you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter Griffin: A degenerate am I? Well you, are a vestiggio! See? I can make up words too sister!

Peter Griffin: Hey what do you think they put in the bug juice?
Brian Griffin: ...Bugs?
Peter Griffin: No way!... No they don't!... shut up!... come on!

Brian Griffin: So I see you got a new receptionist. Nice little body on her, huh?
Therapist: That's my daughter.
Brian Griffin: Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?

Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: [on drugs] My day? Un-freaking-believable! First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll for god's sake!
[draws heavily on his cigarette then exhales]
Brian Griffin: Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... It's, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone honey, BAM! It freaking evaporated like a dingy, stinky mud puddle! One day you... you see your reflection in it, and the next day it's a... it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway staring back at you, mocking you... Blah Blah Blah! Knowing the perverted truth will rot in the pit of your soul! That's how my freaking day was!
[everyone at the Table stares at him, then... ]
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.

[the family is sitting in the kitchen]
Lois Griffin: So, Peter, where shall we go for your week off?
Peter Griffin: Well, I... I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory like we did last year!
[it switches to the Griffins floating in front of a plain white background]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad... it's not that good, but y'know... it's not that bad.
Brian Griffin: It's so-so.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... more or less...

Brian Griffin: Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP?

[Brian has discovered Peter at the clinic]
Brian Griffin: What are you doing here?
Peter Griffin: I'm on vacation. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack.

Rehab Counselor: I don't think you're an addict, I think you're an idiot.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, well I don't pay you to think, hot lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!

Stewie Griffin: [Brian walks in] Oh, splendid! Fido McCoke-fiend is home.

Peter Griffin: I'm NOT being insensitive, Lois. I just don't see why we have to cancel our vacation, just because the dog's a coke-fiend.

Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
[sniff]
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!

Stewie Griffin: [Coked-out Brian comes home with a hooker] Oh, good, Fido McCoke-fiend is home.
Brian Griffin: Everybody, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: Hey, how 'bout a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!

Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving.
Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave.
Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all.
[Everybody was sad]
Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something!
Stewie Griffin: [running] Brian wait!
[He runs up to Brian]
Brian Griffin: Hold on a second.
[Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves]
Brian Griffin: Airport please.
[Car runs]

[Brian is addicted to cocaine]
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!

[Brian's been hired as a drug-sniffing cop dog]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?
[he laughs]
Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?
Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.

Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?

Brian Griffin: [to Meg] Take down your fork... FACE!

Stewie Griffin: [Peter runs off to join the competition] Look at him! He runs like a Welshman! Doesn't he run like a Welshman?

Peter Griffin: [Full of tranquiliser darts] But I don't want to feed Grandma bacon in the bathtub!


"Family Guy: Road to Rhode Island (#2.13)" (2000)
Woman In Bar: I think you've had enough to drink
Brian Griffin: [Obviously drunk] I, I think you're wrong you increasingly attractive looking woman.
Woman In Bar: [smiles obviously flattered]
Brian Griffin: You could be in magazines. You could. And not just Jugs or Creamsicle.
Woman In Bar: [Walks away in disgust]

Brian Griffin: [singing] We're a perfect pair of partners/Just like Thelma and Louise/Except your not six feet tall
Stewie Griffin: [singing] And your breasts don't reach your knees
Brian Griffin: [Speaks] Give it time

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie finds Brian drinking in a bar] Oh here's a pleasant sight; Cirrhosis the wonderdog.

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are burying Brian's mother who has been stuffed] Say something.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Just say something, please!
Stewie Griffin: Oh for god's sake. Uhm... yea and God said to Abraham; "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear You, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "I'm sorry, is this better? Check check... check. Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Brian Griffin: Say something about my mother!
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Uh... I never knew Biscuit as a dog, but I did know her as a table. She was sturdy, all four legs the same length...
Brian Griffin: Thanks, thanks that's enough.
Stewie Griffin: Ah yes. Requiem and tarapax and so forth, amen.

Brian Griffin: Listen kid there's something I've been meaning to tell you. It's no easy for me to say.
Stewie Griffin: Oh god, you're not coming out of the closet are you? Ugh, why does everyone always come out to me?

[Brian and Stewie are catching a ride with Hispanic workers in Texas]
Brian Griffin: Hola! Um... me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um... Let's see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.
Migrant Worker: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es", just "me llamo Brian".
Brian Griffin: Oh! So you speak English!
Migrant Worker: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian Griffin: You... you're kidding, right?
Migrant Worker: Que?

Brian Griffin: [Slurred speech] I'm not drunk, I have a speech impediment.
[Vomits on the bar]
Brian Griffin: ... and a stomach virus.
[Falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin: ... and an inner-ear infection.

Brian Griffin: [to Stewie] I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment...
[vomits]
Brian Griffin: And a stomach virus...
[falls off bar stool]
Brian Griffin: And an inner ear infection.

Dr. Amanda Rebecca: We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
[rewinds]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
[rewinds]

Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing] We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/
Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.

Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.

Betty: Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.
Stewie Griffin: And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!

Stewie Griffin: [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother] Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.

Stewie Griffin: [looking at a picture of Jesus] Look at Jesus over there all by himself!
[referring to another picture]
Stewie Griffin: You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.

Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass.
[takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]

Brian: Luke, my name is Brian. I was born here.
Luke: Lots of dogs been born here, son. Remind me again, which one were you?
Brian: [flatly] I was the one who could talk.
Luke: Brian!


"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: [after Luke is injured during the lightsaber duel] We'll be lucky to come out of this without a lawsuit!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

Stewie Griffin: [after the power goes of] Oh god, we're going to do Jedi, aren't we?

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, check it out, it's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy!
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: I don't like her.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown in the Sarlacc pit. There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over 1,000 years.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week. Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about.
Sy Snoodles: Ha! Fiber!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose."
Stormtrooper: We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What the hell? Your head is so small.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.
[shoots Stormtrooper in the head]

Peter Griffin: The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
Meg Griffin: What about the prequels?
Peter Griffin: I think the Cleveland Show is gonna do those.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
[mockingly]
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going. You hate me now? Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I've seen a lot of ships get blown up. It's no big deal.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, I guess that wouldn't get under my skin, either. Not the way Seth Green gets under my skin.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Huh?
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way. I mean, has he ever made anything successful? Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was successful.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody watched that show.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Yeah, I never caught it.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Power movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, looks go see that new Austin Powers, Seth's Green's in it"?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show he was playing himself, an asshole.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: No.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.


"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Riff: Uh, okay, man, you are really throwing me off. It's step-kick-step-twirl. Got it?
Peter Griffin: I thought we were going gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.
Riff: Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?
[Peter looks disappointed]

Meg Griffin: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter Griffin: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?

Peter Griffin: [riding a circus elephant] Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt, isn't she?
[Lois gasps]
Brian Griffin: I said *runt*.

[Stewie is taken by an airport security guard]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?

Stewie Griffin: What do you want?
Cult Leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is *untimely death*!

Cheesy Charlie's Manager: We have many flavors of ice cream - vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and people.
Peter Griffin: What was that last one?
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Chocolate.

Brian Griffin: Well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you may wanna stand up.

Jolene: Well hey there little boy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me...
[Reads name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight happy meal - and no pickles! Oh God help you if I find pickles!

Stewie Griffin: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]

Peter Griffin: [doing the laundry] Hey, where's my sock? Hey!
[crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia]
Goat Man: Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr. Tumnus.
Peter Griffin: Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!

[Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes]
Brian Griffin: Hey you, hit me!
[the clown squirts soda water into Brian's Martini glass]
Brian Griffin: Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.

Brian: [after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story about failing to secure Cheesy Charlie's for Stewie's birthday] Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.


"Family Guy: Chick Cancer (#5.7)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: [wearing Brian's hair on his chest and diaper] Hey, baby!
Jillian: Hi, Stewie!
Brian Griffin: What the hell are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Eeh, not much really. Just me and my pubes, haaaaangin' out.
Brian Griffin: Oh, dear God.
Stewie Griffin: Boy, I am so beat from doing adult stuff all day.
Jillian: So am I.
Stewie Griffin: [stretches, revealing Brian's hair in his armpits] I just feel like kickin' it tonight.
[fuzzy dice fall out of his diaper]
Stewie Griffin: Oh! Look at that, I'm growing all the time.
Brian Griffin: Hey, uh, Jillian, can you give me a minute?
Stewie Griffin: You ever just let your balls hang out, B-Ri? You ever do that, B-roni? "drove my Chevy to the levy, but the levy was Bri?"
Brian Griffin: Give me my hair back
[takes hair off Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Ow! What the hell, man?

Brian Griffin: There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed head, yeah. Hey, look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

Stewie Griffin: Hey, babe. What do you say, we going out Saturday night?
Olivia: Stewie, what are doing you here? I told you, I'm just into a different type of guy.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? I'll tell you what you're into. Being ugly.
Olivia: Stewie, you're being mean.
Stewie Griffin: No, if I was being mean, when you opened the door, I would've said, "Oh, hey, Ray Liotta, is Olivia home?" You see, I thought you were Ray Liotta because your skin has the texture of a decorative autumn squash.
[Olivia starts crying]
Stewie Griffin: So, I'll pick you up at 7:00?
Olivia: [still sobbing] That sounds wonderful.

Stewie Griffin: I mean, what kind of man would I be if I ran off now?
Brian Griffin: Well, you would be a black man.
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my father talking.
Stewie Griffin: You, uh, gotta work on that man. Bad dog.

Peter Griffin: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Stewie Griffin: Uh, what's for dinner
Olivia: [grabs the Play-Doh Fun Factory Machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie Griffin: [pauses] Oh.
Olivia: [stops making the Play-Doh spaghetti] What?
Stewie Griffin: No, no, it's nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night
[under breath]
Stewie Griffin: and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?

Brian Griffin: So what happened?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like why can't you just hang out with guys, you know, just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you do with women, but with your buddy. You know wha, why don't guys just do that?
Brian Griffin: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, is that what gay is? Oh, yeah. I could totally get into that.

Stewie Griffin: Sorry, we're late, everyone, but JonBenet here took forever with her makeup.
Olivia: Ah, yes, and we probably would've shaved a few minutes off our trip, but Mr. Cheapo here refused to let the valet touch his Big Wheel, so we had to drive around the block six times 'til we could find a spot. But to his credit, it's a great place to get mugged.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, wouldn't that be a shame if they took all MY money in both OUR wallets.

Brian Griffin: Stewie?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: I know.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [annoyed tone] I know.
Brian Griffin: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Don't do this to me, man. Not you, man.
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: Screw you. Cut it out, man!
Brian Griffin: It's not your fault.
Stewie Griffin: [cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard.
[cries]

Stewie Griffin: She said yes! My God, I'm cooler than that cheetah from the commercials!

Olivia: Do you even know what sex IS?
Stewie Griffin: Now really I- don't change the- is it a kind of cake?

Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm going to start bringing gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys. I mean those big, "Oh, my God, here they come, floating around, making noise" gay guys, not the "fix up your house" gay guys.

Stewie Griffin: [to Olivia] Hey, listen, maybe you want to come over on Friday, it's my "Bernie Mac" night. Um, i-it's a fun show if you haven't seen it. I can't understand what the devil he's saying, but you know, there's a lot of movement, and it's bright and colorful, it keeps my attention.

Olivia: [to Stewie] What the hell is wrong with you? You're acting like a jerk.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm acting like a jerk? What about Phony Curtis over there?
Olivia: He happens to be a very intelligent, successful actor. And you know, he's done three national diaper commercials.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, let's put a diaper on his face. That's where the crap is coming out.

Olivia: [to the waiter] Do you have Hi-C Tropical Punch?
Stewie Griffin: And it begins...
Olivia: What, I can't have a drink with dinner?
Stewie Griffin: So dinner started at 2:00 this afternoon, did it?
Olivia: Yes, about the same time you decided to hole up in the bathroom for three hours waxing your eyebrows.
Stewie Griffin: You swore you would never... I have a prominent brow and I do what I can to get by.


"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.

Peter Griffin: Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
[cut to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
[Peter clicks the mouse; a fist flies out of the monitor and punches Peter in the face]

Brian Griffin: I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
Charles Foster Kane: [on TV screen] Rosebud.
Peter Griffin: [video cuts to Peter] It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There I just saved you two long boobless hours

Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.

Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, think about what you are doing.
Peter Griffin: I am. Your honor, Brian will be a great dad. Hell, if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
[Meg doesn't hear this because she's listening to a personal stereo]

Peter Griffin: Crap, there's a toll booth. Anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates: What's a quarter?

Barbara Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie Griffin: I smell death on you!

Brian Griffin: [Seabreeze is about to give birth to puppies] You're almost there, Seabreeze. Oh, and also, uh, I didn't bring this up before but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them.

Carter Pewterschmidt: You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!
Peter Griffin: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt...
Carter Pewterschmidt: [to Lois] Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the Premier of China and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"

Lois Griffin: Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax.
Stewie Griffin: Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
[cutaway to Stewie in a gay disco full of muscular men dancing shirtless]
Stewie Griffin: [shouting over the music] I know the guy that owns this place!
Man: What?
Stewie Griffin: I said, I know the guy that... oh, I'll you later, I love this song!
[Stewie grooves to the music]

Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

Country Club Member: [at a wine tasting session] Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
Peter Griffin: [very drunk and stark naked] Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off!
[Carter Pewterschmidt groans angrily]

Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, everyone.
Lois Griffin: Hi, Daddy.
Peter Griffin: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois Griffin: No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?
[he lights a cigarette and stubs it out on Peter's chest]
Peter Griffin: That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.

Joe Swanson: You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm going to start right now.
[turns to Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol working at his desk in the corner]
Peter Griffin: Cratchit! You're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit: But sir, what of Tiny Tim?
Peter Griffin: Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.


"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Chris, whatever happened to Geena Davis? She used to be in movies, but she's not in movies anymore. She's attractive enough but when she smiles you see too much gum. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio... Chris? Ah, I'll tell you in the morning.

Peter Griffin: Cloris Leachman, I've bought you legally. Now juggle these bean bags.
Cloris Leachman: I don't know how to juggle...
Peter Griffin: GOD HELP YOU, CLORIS! JUGGLE THE BEAN BAGS!

Peter Griffin: [reads game card] For whistling at a white woman, go directly to jail. Aw, man! Doesn't anyone ever win at this game?
Cleveland Brown: You don't win. You just do a little better this time.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Lois Griffin: Peter, mental retardation usually happens before you're born. It isn't something you can catch. Don't you think you're overreacting?
Peter Griffin: Well, excuse me for being retarded!

[Peter kicks open stall door in women's restroom; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, retarded.
Woman#1: Oh, it's okay.
[Peter kicks open second stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Sorry, don't know any better.
Woman#2: Oh, bless you then.
[Peter kicks open third stall door; occupant screams]
Peter Griffin: Geez, didn't you hear me a second ago? I'm retarded!
Woman#3: Oh, you're just curious. Well, let me show you how everything works down there.

Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, what's up?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it?
Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.

Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but... EEEYEAH! IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, FUCKWAD!... I'm... I'm sorry about that.

Peter Griffin: Well, here they are, Brian, my test results! Read 'em and weep!
Brian Griffin: Um, Peter, according to this, you're not a genius. In fact... you're mentally retarded.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, would a mentally-retarded guy have hired a bulldozer with a drunk driver to level half of his house in celebration of his fantastic test results?
Brian Griffin: Um... maybe.
Peter Griffin: ...Uh oh.
[a bulldozer with a drunk driver levels half of the house]
Drunk Driver: Congratulations!

Brian Griffin: You ever stop and think "Wow, I'm married to that guy"?
Lois Griffin: Yeah, but I usually just suppress it.
Brian Griffin: Is that healthy?
Lois Griffin: What's the worst that could happen?
Peter Griffin: [to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"] I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor. I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh-oh, I'm a tumor!

Peter Griffin: Attention restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.

Stewie Griffin: [to a prostitute sat on a couch next to him] So, tell me... is there any tread left on the tyres at all? Or, at this point, would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Peter Griffin: Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Timer: [cut scene] I hanker for a hunk of/a slab, a slice, a chunk of/I hanker for a hunk of cheese! When your get up and go has got up and went...
Timer: [answers a knock at the door] Howdy partner!
Peter Griffin: Uh, yeah, pardon me sir, I live next door. It is three-thirty in the morning, I am very tired.
Timer: [holding up an object] Look, a wagon wheel!
Peter Griffin: What the hell is your problem?
Timer: I just smoked a whole bunch of crack!


"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?

Stewie Griffin: Heavens, it appears my wee-wee has been stricken with rigor mortis.

Peter Griffin: [laughs]
Brian Griffin: [reading Nate Griffin's diary] See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"

Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: Time to be hitting the old dusty trail.

Stewie Griffin: My, nice ones Jeanine, and look at Lisa in all of her glory.

Peter Griffin: I want an apology and some Rice Krispie Treats!

[Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Carter Pewterschmit: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.

Peter Griffin: [throwing holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you!

Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.

Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
[imitates Pee-Wee]
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!

[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Cop: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Cop: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Cop: Suspect becoming beligerent.
Peter Griffin: Wha...
Cop: Officer down.
[Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]

Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin: Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Peter Griffin: [Trying to explain himself] Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there for you!
[the crowd heckles him]
Peter Griffin: I was there for the good times! When George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side, I was there! Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times! But, but, I was also there for the bad ones! When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident, I was there. And when Tootie got those painfully terrible braces! I was there! And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there! So, before you decide that I don't belong here, remember this: I was there!
[the crowd cheers]


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Mom (#13.10)" (2015)
Stewie Griffin: [whispering] Dairy Queen closes in 10 minutes.
[He and Brian leaves the courtroom]

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] Your heartbeat is weird. It is not consistent at all.

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] Oh, hey, Mama. Hey, you seen my copy of "Into the Wild"? I like to have it on my person at all times in case I need a quick "inspo sesh." Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna be doing a lot of abbreve's?

Lois Griffin: [When Peter throws a party] Peter, what the hell is going on?
Teenager: [to Peter] Oh, dude, is that your mom?
Lois Griffin: No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.
Peter Griffin: That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.

Lois Griffin: Glenn, what the hell's going on?
Glenn Quagmire: It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?

Glenn Quagmire: Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge.
Peter Griffin: Really? Number one or number two? Our judicial system is so broken.

Glenn Quagmire: And there's not even a defense for statutory rape. Once the girl proves her age, that's it: you're guilty.
Peter Griffin: You know what I tried today? A fig.

Peter Griffin: [In a cutaway that shows Peter in a commercial for General Car Insurance]
[chanting]
Peter Griffin: White-trash rates from an army guy. Here is a penguin, don't know why.
Announcer: The General Car Insurance. It'll worry whoever you hit.

Judge: [to Peter] Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're here to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.
Peter Griffin: That's right, Your Honor. And as we know, according to "Game of Thrones", if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go. Has the girl had her blood? Answer the question!
Judge: Mr. Griffin, she was underage.
Peter Griffin: Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire was born on February 29th. Ergo, he's only twelve. Ergo, the girl raped him. "Argo", Ben Affleck.
[Chris stands up and claps]

Judge: I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but my sentence stands. Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours to get your affairs in order.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, my God.
Peter Griffin: Ah, don't think of it as 20 years. Think of it as two ten-year-olds, you sick freak.

Crystal Quagmire: [to Quagmire] I know this is a hard time for you, but you need to seek forgiveness. You need to kneel before Jesus.
Peter Griffin: Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot of guys, but I doubt he'll catch their names. It's usually somebody pushing your skull in the dark. There are really no introductions.
Crystal Quagmire: Remember, He is inside you all the time.
Peter Griffin: Oh, n-now she's just setting me up.

Brian Griffin: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Stewie Griffin: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Glenn Quagmire: [to Brian] Why are you of all people defending a religious nut? Aren't you an atheist?
Brian Griffin: [chuckling] Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.

Peter Griffin: Aw, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing. That's great.


"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: This is it, pal. We're goners.
Brian Griffin: Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway...
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Peter, that's it!
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Hey, pull my finger.
Brian Griffin: My pleasure.
[Peter farts]
Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
[Brian farts]
Peter Griffin: Silent but lifesaving.

Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is... flaming.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter Griffin: You...

Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.

Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.

Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.

Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.

Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic rule. Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than... Oksana Baiul. Go on buds, drink my suds, 'til you've reached that pure inebriation. Though the beer, may be free... you're just renting it from me.
Peter Griffin: It's like I died and went to heaven. But, but then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.

Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!

Peter Griffin: Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
Peter Griffin: [flashback to when he was a kid] Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter hangs his head in shame]

Peter Griffin: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.

Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.

Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[Flashback]
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.


"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Brian: [as the Griffins watch "Happy Days" on television] You have anything on that remote lower than "mute"?

Lois Griffin: Stewie, I've got something special for you.
Stewie Griffin: Jell-o, how exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the Q.E. 2!

Carrot Top: [Using a bow as a prop] Look! A bow tie! Now I'm David Bowie! Now I'm Bo Derek!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie throws several tomahawks which narrowly miss Carrot Top] Oh, very funny! Now tell the one that doesn't suck!

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says, "Ooooo".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter Griffin: I never knew anyone in this family had any talent, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris Griffin: You mean play the piano?
Peter Griffin: No, no, n... umm, yeah!

Peter Griffin: [refusing to accept he's lost] You know I can't ask another human being for directions.
Lois Griffin: Why not?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm a man. Haven't you ever seen a stand-up comedian, Lois?

Peter Griffin: Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple!
Speed Racer: Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha!
Man: This is not affecting us all! Haha!
Speed Racer: Haha!

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

Ann Romano: [Brian is laughing while watching "One Day at a Time"] Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend.
Schneider: Yeah! All, the a-way!
Brian Griffin: Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?

Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em.
[he backs into a parked car]
Peter Griffin: And, um, neither will that guy.

Brian Griffin: I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.

Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.

[Peter is watching "Happy Days". Someone tries to talk to him]
Peter Griffin: Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!"
Fonzi: Aaay!
Peter Griffin: YES! Take that, 1950's society!


"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up!

Brian: You're really gonna take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yep! Now here's the plan: you'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now, there's an invisible laser grid three inches above the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird, amphibious dolphin.
Brian: [pause] Can I buy some pot from you?

Peter Griffin: [as a salesman unplugs a display TV, showing Peter's favorite holiday movie] Hey! I was watching that.
TV Shop Owner: It'll be on next Christmas.
Peter Griffin: Who the hell knows when that's gonna be?

Lois Griffin: Uh, uh, uh, before you sit down, we're due at Joe and Bonnie's for egg nog.
Peter Griffin: Lois, can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not going to lie about something like that.
Peter Griffin: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother. God, when did Christmas become so complicated?

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian Griffin: Uh, we-well, it's a little warm in here, you know?
Lois Griffin: "Don we now our gay apparel."
Brian Griffin: [Brian puts on his vibrantly colored Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Mall Santa: Ho ho ho! And what can I bring you?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a peace offering, is it? Very well... What say you trim those gin-soaked whiskers and bring me some plutonium?
Mall Santa: Well, can you be a good boy, hmmm?
Stewie Griffin: Your inquiry intrigues me. Can any of us be a 'good boy?' Are our primal urges innate or the result of the choices we make?
Mall Santa: OK, wrap it up, kid.
Stewie Griffin: All right, Kringle, if the reward is plutonium, then your wager is accepted. I will be... "nice."

Brian: Sorry Peter, the VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Cut to Peter in the living room with a videotape with the FBI coming in]
FBI guy: Do you have the expressed written permission of the NFL and ABC?
Peter Griffin: [showing a form] Just ABC.
[the FBI destroys Peter's VCR]

Peter Griffin: Where's my VCR?
Redneck Kid 1: Dang it Buck. It's my turn to use the sex box.
Redneck Kid 2: It's my sex box, and her name is Sony.

Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.

Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve?
Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?

Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.

Peter Griffin: Brian, tape this for me.
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape]
FBI Agent: Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin: Just ABC.
[FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits]

Peter Griffin: As we all know, Christmas is that mystical time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feed on the flesh of the living, so we all sing Christmas carols to lull Him back to sleep.
Bob: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Bob's Friend: Bob, there's... nothing you can do.
Bob: [sighs, defeated] Well, I... guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.


"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Max Weinstein: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works.
Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?

Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.

Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.

Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.

Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!

Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?

Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.

Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.

Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table.
Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not!
Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house!
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house!

Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
[They Hug]

Lois Griffin: [during foreplay, Lois has discovered a lump on her breast] Peter, we're not having sex. I just told you I have a lump.
Peter Griffin: I have a lump, too, and mine's easier to get rid of.

Lois Griffin: [checking the mail, she jumps when the mailbox explodes] AHH! What the hell?
[seeing Peter up in the house with a sniper rifle]
Lois Griffin: Are you out of your fucking mind?
Peter Griffin: Relax, Lois. I was aiming for the mailbox. I'm just trying to make a point.
Mort Goldman: [approaching] Good morning, Lois.
[Peter fires another shot, which misses]
Mort Goldman: [ducking] Ahh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, for god's sake! I am so sorry, Mort.
Mort Goldman: No problem, Lois. That's just how people say hello to me.
[another fired shot whizzes past, and Mort ducks again]
Mort Goldman: Hey, Joe!
Joe Swanson: [off-screen] Hey, Mort!


"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: [in an office in Stewie's Bedroom] Uh, Brian, that coffee mug that you have that says, "Life's a beach"... that's dangerously close to the word "bitch", isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's the joke.
Stewie Griffin: Yes - and believe me. no one appreciates a good joke like Stewie - but, someof the other employees have found it offensive.
Brian Griffin: Other employees? Who else works here?
Stewie Griffin: [bleep] you! That's who else works here!

Stewie Griffin: Oh, and tell Cookie Monster not to phone me until he finishes rehab.

Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?

Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]

Carter Pewterschmidt: [while in a Rigatta, Carter has a yaght, and the Griffans have a tub with a sail]
[shouts]
Carter Pewterschmidt: LOSER!
Peter Griffin: What did he say?
Carter Pewterschmidt: [throws a cell phone at the Griffins]
[Cell phone rings, and Peter picks it up]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I said you're a loser!
Peter Griffin: Who is this?

Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?

Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay?
Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don't want more sea men on your poop deck?

Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie, let's go.
Stewie Griffin: [going through envelopes] Yes, yes, I'm just checking the mail. I say, here's one from the vet.
Brian Griffin: [trying in vain to catch the letter from Stewie's hands] Give me that!
Stewie Griffin: [after reading the letter] Good Lord! Worms? You have worms?
Brian Griffin: I don't have worms, allright? I just got checked for worms.
[reading himself the letter]
Brian Griffin: Oh, wait, no, I do have worms. Oh God! Oh, wh - - what am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this.
Stewie Griffin: Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one.
Brian Griffin: No! No! No... you... you cannot tell them about this, please. Peter is not very discreet for private matters.
[... ]
Brian Griffin: Just please, don't tell them
Stewie Griffin: You know? Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride and little more about the creepy-crawlies Shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot

Peter Griffin: Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter! I see you're still fatter than holy hell.
Peter Griffin: Aw, you can read me like a book.
[laughs]

Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry.
Serf: What you got there, m'lord?
Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!


"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: [drunk, to Connie] Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12, but now, you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky skin, burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ball park?

Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

Stewie Griffin: ooh, you've got some pie. Can I have a piece?
Brian Griffin: Uh, ok
Stewie Griffin: Hey, pass over some of that Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you put Cool wHip on pie.
Brian Griffin: It's Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: That's what I said, Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm just saying Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Say whip
Stewie Griffin: Whip
Brian Griffin: Now say Cool Whip
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: Cool Whip!
Stewie Griffin: Cool wHip
Brian Griffin: You're eating HAIR!

[Brian just confessed to Lois he and Meg made out at the prom]
Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage.
[cutaway to Lois in the kitchen, standing in front of the knock over trashcan; garbage is scattered all over the floor, Brian enters]
Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night?
Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why?
Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
[Brian farts accidentally and he blows a huge pink bubble of gum from straight-out of his butt until it bursts into a quick, loud pop; Brian turns wide-eyed in shock and embarrassment]

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile.
[uses the H in "while"]
Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say?
Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!

Peter Griffin: Holy crap! What the hell!
Joe Swanson: Brian, she's a teenager!
Peter Griffin: Yeah Brian, your doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus!
Lois Griffin: Peter, hold on to that thought, because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement

Meg Griffin: Hey Brian!
Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.
Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.
Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?

Brian Griffin: [after kissing Meg, Brian throws up] Don't worry, that was the booze, not you.
[pause]
Brian Griffin: Are you gonna eat that?

Peter Griffin: [to Joe] Come on, we'll be great cops. Besides, it's bound to go better than my deep-sea training.
[cutaway to Peter and three other men sitting in a decompression chamber]
Peter Griffin: Well, we got a long time in this decompression chamber. Uh, you guys mind if I turn on the radio?
[Peter starts turning a knob that releases the pressure in the chamber]
Man #1: Peter, don't!
[the pressure changes so drastically to the point that all of their eyes pop out and are now hanging by their optic nerves]
Man #2: Oh, nice going, jackass!
Man #1: Oh, look what you did!
Man #3: Aw, come on, you jerk!
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey. Excuse the hell out of me for trying to brighten your day with music, all right?
Man #1: You idiot, use your brain.
Peter Griffin: You're an idiot.
[All four start a slap fight until Peter and Man #2's eyes become tangled together]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Oh, man, we're going to need some butter or something.

Stewie Griffin: [referring to Meg] Here she is! Brian, I present to you, you're polished turd for the evening.

Brian Griffin: The thing is, Meg is becoming a little enamored with me and I'm kind of losing control of the situation.
Lois Griffin: Oh, she's just grateful you took her to the dance.
Brian Griffin: Well, uh, I think it's more than that. Uh... so, here's the thing, and don't get mad. And that part I can't stress enough. That's a great shirt, by the way. Um, I may have made out with Meg.
[pause, then Lois punches Brian]
Brian Griffin: Okay, I had the coming.
Lois Griffin: What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?
Brian Griffin: Look, I was drinking...
Lois Griffin: Oh, what a shock!
Brian Griffin: [sarcastically laughs] Look, the short version is, this morning, she made me eat her hair pie...
[Lois punches him again]
Brian Griffin: No, It's not what you think. Stewie had some, too.
[Lois punches him again]
Brian Griffin: Stop punching me!


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey, excuse me, is your refrigerator running, because if it is, it probably runs like you... *very* homosexually.

Peter Griffin: I have an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Lois Griffin: Oh, the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.
Peter Griffin: Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you crazy?
Man: [Drunken Clam guy] What did you say?
Peter Griffin: Oh, about the seat or my plowing your father's wife?
Lois Griffin: [Lois punches him] What the hell are you doing?

[after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher]
Peter Griffin: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...
Lois Griffin: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

[Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in]
Peter Griffin: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?
Lois Griffin: The underpants, lose 'em!
Peter Griffin: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...
Lois Griffin: Take 'em off!
Peter Griffin: [with a frightened voice] Yeah. Okay, honey.
[the next morning]
Brian Griffin: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: Last night, Lois was the man!
Brian Griffin: Good Lord!
Peter Griffin: I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.
Brian Griffin: It's okay.

Psychologist: Does Stewart have a history of aggression?
Lois Griffin: No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.
Stewie Griffin: Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

Stewie Griffin: [imitating Brian] I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio! But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!

[Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters]
Peter Griffin: Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.

Lois Griffin: You can't hit me! I'm a girl!
Peter Griffin: Sometimes I wonder.

Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.


"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: There's only one thing to do - learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.

Stewie Griffin: [while checking out motel room with a blacklight] Let's see... Oatmeal! Spittle! Semen! This must be where Wilford Brimley was strangled by Bob Crane.

Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense!
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful!

[Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him]
Peter Griffin: [looks down] I see you. Eh, eh, eh!

Stewie Griffin: Damn you ice cream! Come to my mouth! How dare you disobey me! What are you looking at you... you infantile... stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can... burn in hell...
[falls asleep]

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks?
Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.

[Peter has had plastic surgery]
Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head?
Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks.
Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.

Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!

Peter Griffin: Trust me, Chris, sometimes it's better not to fit in.
[Cut away to Peter, dressed as a clown, walking with a troop soldiers in a jungle]
Peter Griffin: You're all stupid, They're gonna be *lookin'* for army guys.

Brian Griffin: [after Stewie's high chair collapses under his weight] Aw... Orson fall down?

Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder.
Stewie Griffin: Help me up.
Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.

Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin: [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.


"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...
Peter Griffin: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant. We can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...
Brian Griffin: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Nite lineup.
Peter Griffin: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...
Brian Griffin: That's Street Fighter.
Peter Griffin: Red, blue, green.
Brian Griffin: Those are colors.

Lois Griffin: [Lois and Peter wait for a pregnancy test] God, I can't believe we weren't more careful. This probably happened that night we tried role playing.
Lois Griffin: [flashback] Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl.
Peter Griffin: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger.
Lois Griffin: Paladin's can't use the helm of disintegration.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Then, I'm a black guuuuy.

Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.

Peter Griffin: Lois, you're getting your tubes tied.
Peter Griffin: Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy.
Peter Griffin: First of all, I don't know what that is. And second, no freakin' way!

Peter Griffin: Lois, men aren't fat, only fat women are fat.

[last lines]
Chris Griffin: Hey, Doc, what did you with my mom's fat?
Dr. Elmer Hartman: Oh, it's right here in the storage closet.
[Dr. Hartman opens the storage closet door; inside, Peter has his pants around his ankles, his leg wrapped around the bag of fat and is making out with it]
Peter Griffin: Uh... it's exactly what it looks like.

Stewie Griffin: [Lois is worried she's pregnant] Hmm, Lois pregnant. I didn't think the fat man still had that kind of marksmanship.

Peter Griffin: [at the sperm bank] Hi, there. Peter Griffin. I've, uh, got an appointment to, uh, banish a White Russian from my Kremlin.

Nurse at Sperm Bank: [Peter exits the storage freezer] Mr. Griffin, you were in there an awfully long time. Are you all right?
Peter Griffin: Yup, yup. Fine, fine. And, uh, just so you know, everything in there is exactly the way it was when I went in. There is absolutely zero chance that I spilled all the jars and had to refill them with my own sperm. Zero chance.

[after a night of sex]
Lois Griffin: Last night was amazing.
Peter Griffin: It was, wasn't? Fat sex is the hottest sex we've ever had. There were so many boobs, I didn't know whose boobs I was grabbing, your boobs or my boobs.

Peter Griffin: Now come here, my fat concubine.
[shoves a slice of cake in Lois's mouth]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not even hungry.
Peter Griffin: I want you bigger! I want you fatter! It will please me.


"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade?
Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter!
[Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]

Peter Griffin: There is no Peter, there is only Zuul!

Brian Griffin: [after carjacking someone in Aspen, Colorado] Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie Griffin: We sure did, Brian. We sure did.

Brian Griffin: [Brian singing] Take to the highway, won't you lend me your name.
Stewie Griffin: Who sings that song?
Brian Griffin: James Taylor.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah let's keep it that way.

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Brian have just crashed their plane into a mountainside] Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.

Stewie Griffin: What are we doing at the toy store?
Brian Griffin: I'm going to buy you another Rupert.
[takes a stuffed gorilla off the shelf]
Brian Griffin: This is cute and if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild.
[looks closer at the tag]
Brian Griffin: And if we don't, they kill one. Boy, these guys are really playing hardball.

Stewie Griffin: And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.
[Brian slaps him]
Stewie Griffin: Ah, bitch

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for the ride, Bandit. And good luck tapping that
[with disgust]
Stewie Griffin: ... hot... hot... Sally Field tail.
The Bandit: Knock it off! I don't like it any more than you do.

Peter Griffin: Aw, you should've seen what our amazing freakin' daughter did to that guy, Lois. She kicked his ass! It was like what life did to Dana Plato.

Brian Griffin: You are getting a little old for a teddy bear.
Stewie Griffin: Brian I'm one.
Brian Griffin: Still?

Stewie Griffin: [To an African American] You're welcome
Guy: Excuse me?
Stewie Griffin: I'm just saying make it worth our while, we wrote a pretty big cheque for you folks.
Guy: I'd say the events that preceded it, the hundred years or so, we're even
Stewie Griffin: Yeah we gave more.


Family Guy (2006) (VG)
Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's destroyed satellite dish] God, it looks like an Iraqi trailer park.

[Carter and some cops bust into the Griffin House]
Carter Pewterschmidt: I knew it! Arrest that dog! He violated my restraining order and inpregnanted Seabreeze!
Brian Griffin: What? No I didn't!
Carter Pewterschmidt: [Carter pulls out money and bribes both cops] He's lying! And he's not caucasian!
[the cops proceed to beat up Brian]

[the PTV satellite gets blown up]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Keep it down up there! If that's Meg or some kind of squirrel, I'm gonna get my shotgun!

Brian Griffin: I'm not the father, Joe!
Joe Swanson: Unless you can prove that Brian, we gotta lock you up.
[Brian and Joe stop at a speedbump]
Joe Swanson: Dammit a speed bump. Who's the wise guy that put this speed bump here? It's not funny! Horowitz I'm looking at you! Yeah! Oh, laugh it up guys! This is in poor taste!

Peter Griffin: Nice try, Belvedere! Thinks he can just take me out with one of his brainwashed henchman disguised as a nurse! Well it's going to take a lot more then that to keep me from getting back Lois and Brian and Chris and Stewie and... and um... damn. Um... I wanna say... I wanna say Russ?

Peter Griffin: [while Bertram and Stewie are fighting on the roof] What the hell is that? If that's some kind of squirrel or Meg, I'm getting my shotgun.

Stewie Griffin: Bertram's obviously been planning this attack for sometime, but what's his master plan? I must find out! Therefore I have no choice, but to shrink myself down, and infiltrate his lair within the fat man's testicles. Gross.

Brian Griffin: [reading a video game magazine] Huh... hidden pornographic scene viewable by pressing up, up, down, down, left.
[pauses, then continues reading]
Brian Griffin: Horny gamers believe anything.

Brian Griffin: [upon seeing the interrogation room flooded, chuckles] Looks like someone needs to clean out the aquarium.

Brian Griffin: Still at it here, huh?
Peter Griffin: I have a responsibility to my PTV viewers, Brian. And nothing says viewers, like a five day, non-stop Mr. Belvedere marathon!
Brian Griffin: I gotta say, I never really cared for that show, kind of put out a weird vibe.
Peter Griffin: Shh, shh! I think this is the one where Mr. Belvedere sits on his own nuts!
Brian Griffin: And there's the weird vibe.

Stewie Griffin: I'll go Black Hawk Down on the helicopter.


"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in

Stewie Griffin: What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!

Peter Griffin: I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Stewie Griffin: What are these? Pancakes? Oh oh, these are delectable. Good news Flappy, I've decided not to kill you!

Peter Griffin: Lois, "Who's the Boss" is not a food.
Brian Griffin: Swing and a miss.

Stewie Griffin: I want pancakes! God, do you people understand every language except English? Yo quiero pancakes! Donnez-moi pancakes! Click, click, bloody click PANCAKES!

Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along.
Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.

[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.

Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?

Stewie Griffin: [tips over a bookcase and stares sinisterly at the foster family] Pancakes.


"Family Guy: Road to Europe (#3.20)" (2002)
Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Stewie Griffin: Do you wanna go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis De Sade.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk. You got a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad.
Brian Griffin: [holding a metal plate in front of him] Oh, one time.
[ding]
Stewie Griffin: I have a style, flair. Just look at my hip hair.
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that's quite a nice 'do there.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks.
Brian Griffin: [as Triumph] For me to poop on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: [normal voice] Oh, come on. You look like Charlie Brown.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy.
Stewie Griffin: There's not a whole lot that we got to agree on...
Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strains of a classical score...
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore...
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him.

Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing continued] We're too different to ever be pals... You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
Brian Griffin: Your head's as massive as a meteorite.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, very funny... You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light.
Brian Griffin: I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be Ted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, a gay joke.
Brian Griffin: I just work with what you give me.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: You might think we're 'N Sync but we stink, as a duo.
Brian Griffin: 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts.
Stewie Griffin: And you get a kick out of stroking your...
Brian Griffin: Whoa whoa whoa, you can't say that on TV!
Stewie Griffin: What, ego?
Brian Griffin: Never mind.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals!

Stewie Griffin: Hey... shut up!

Peter Griffin: No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois. Not even Peter Criss!

Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it okay first.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone!
[Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
Stewie Griffin: I don't know.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: Tom!
[quickly hides his head down beneath his newspaper, he then looks up]
Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!
[looks down]
Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.

Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.

Brian Griffin: Want to go get an ice cream? Will that make you feel better?
[Stewie shakes his head]
Brian Griffin: Want to get some McDonald's?
[Stewie shakes his head]
Brian Griffin: Want to go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
[Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: All right, let's take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
German Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
German Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
German Tour Guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!
[You will sit down. You will be calm. You will not insult Germany!]
German Tour Guide: [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
German Tour Guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.

[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on "Jolly Farm". Goodbye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm... I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm... It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll... Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm... Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Brian Griffin: Oh My God!


"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Lois, this is the best job I've ever had! Hey, since I've become President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Hahahahahha.
Alyssa Milano: What kind of cheap shot? Joel!
Milano's Lawyer: I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it, I'm on it.

Stewie Griffin: Baby needs to suck ash! BABY NEEDS TO SUCK ASH! Not "ass" you pervert save it for the interns.

Parking Director: Oh, No need to park here, Mr. Griffin, you have an executive parking space now.
Peter Griffin: Well... that looks exactly like my old space.
Parking Director: Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck up!
Company Suck Up: Morning, Mr. Griffin! Nice Day!
Peter Griffin: Ehhh, It's a little cloudy.
Company Suck Up: Exactly! It's one of the worst days I've seen in years! So, good news about the Yankees!
Peter Griffin: I hate the Yankees.
Company Suck Up: Pack of cheaters! That's what they are! I Love your tie!
Peter Griffin: I hate this tie.
Company Suck Up: It's awful, it's scotty, it's gotta go.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] And I hate myself.
Company Suck Up: I hate you, too! You make me sick, you fat sack o' crap!
Peter Griffin: But I'm the President.
Company Suck Up: The Best There Is!
Peter Griffin: [Right Away]
[Points]
Peter Griffin: But you just said you hated me!
Company Suck Up: [Begins to jiggle] But. Not. You. The President. That you. Said hated you. Who loved. Hate Yankees. Clouds.
[Head explodes, sending gadgets and wires everywhere]
Parking Director: I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.

Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
[Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'

Peter Griffin: [laughing at Dick Armey's name] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name? Vagina Coast Guard?

[Peter calls in sick to work]
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow.
[Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.

Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
[makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

Brian Griffin: [to get out of work to go to a Red Sox game, Peter lies to his boss] Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[Peter, Chris, and Meg all gasp]
Brian Griffin: Too soon?

Lois Griffin: I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.
Peter Griffin: [lifting up Lois's shirt, exposing her bra] There, now they're old news.
Lois Griffin: [embarrassed, pulling her shirt back down] Peter!

[on being President of the tobacco company]
Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!

Peter Griffin: [while buttoning his Red Sox jersey] Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street.
[Cutaway to two guys on the street]
Street Guy #1: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Street Guy #2: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?
Street Guy #1: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Street Guy #2: [Tussling the other guy's hair] That's what we call a variable.


"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [in reference to the fish Joe's son caught that broke the line] Heh heh! Looks like that's the one that got away!
Joe Swanson: The hell it is!
[hands a gun to Kevin]
Joe Swanson: You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!
[pause, softer]
Joe Swanson: God, I love him.

Joe Swanson: Nice going, Peter!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, up yours, Joe.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: Thanks!

Peter Griffin: [to Cleveland, Jr] Uh,
[close up on the two]
Peter Griffin: just once, uh, for me, would, would you call me Mr. Drummond?

Peter Griffin: Ah, great shot, Cleveland Junior.
Cleveland Jr.: Thanks Mr Drummond.
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, for today, can you call me Mr. Popadopolis?
Cleveland Jr.: You got it.
Peter Griffin: And would ya hate me if I called you Webster?
Cleveland Jr.: That's the line!

Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
[flashback]
John Robinson: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.

Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
[cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
Christof: No, he's an idiot.

Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Spokesperon: That's...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse] Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]

[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.

Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.
Brian Griffin: 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.
[shudders]

Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.
Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.


"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Asian Santa Claus: [talking fast] What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?
Stewie Griffin: Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...
Asian Santa Claus: Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!
[throws Stewie off his lap]
Asian Santa Claus: What do you want?
Asian Kid: Fire Truck!
Asian Santa Claus: What color?
Asian Kid: Red!
Asian Santa Claus: Next!
[throws Asian kid off his lap, Asian kid goes aghh for a second while being thrown]

Peter Griffin: All I know is, that somewhere in great land of Ireland, there is a fat bastard just like me.

Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.

[Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong]
Brian Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Crack.
Brian Griffin: What the...
[beeping noise cuts off his last word]
Peter Griffin: Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
Peter Griffin: From Black's
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it

Peter Griffin: Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I-I don't know if you can hear me right now, but... I hope you know... I love you, Dad.
Francis Griffin: Peter... come closer. There's something... I need to say to you.
Peter Griffin: I'm here, Dad. What is it?
Francis Griffin: Peter... you're a fat, stinking drunk!
[dies]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, he's dead! He can't be dead! There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.
[cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming]
Peter Griffin: [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops] Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

Brian Griffin: Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.
Peter Griffin: [about Mickey] There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.
Francis Griffin: Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!
Peter Griffin: [looks up] What?
Francis Griffin: [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi] You're a fat, stinking drunk!
Obiwan Kenobi: Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.
Yoda: Challenge him you must.
Anikin Skywalker: [walks over as a ghost] And I'm Hayden Christensen.

Stewie Griffin: Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

Peter Griffin: But there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my Mom and never called her again.
Mickey: Yeah, so what?
Peter Griffin: So what? So let's dance!

Stewie Griffin: [pulls up in front of the hospital] Push the bitch out!


"Family Guy: Space Cadet (#11.9)" (2013)
Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.

Lois Griffin: Y'know Chris, it's not too late to change your mind about Space Camp, sometimes it could be tough to fit in with a new group of people
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I sure had my troubles when I got involved with the boy scouts.
Peters lawyer: [Flashback to peter at a public hearing with his lawyer] At no time were the campers in Mr. Griffin naked simultaneously, they merely engaged in horseplay.
Newsman: Did Mr. Griffin sodomize the boys?
Peters lawyer: [Peter nods to him excitedly] Mr. Griffin vehemently denies all allegations.

Brian Griffin: [pointing to a monitor on the shuttle console] Look! It says 'autopilot engaged'!
Peter Griffin: I'm so glad he found someone.

Lois Griffin: [to Chris] We weren't talking about you.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we were talking about Meg. We call her Chris so she doesn't know.
Meg Griffin: [off screen] Fuck you!
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Chris!

Lois Griffin: Hey, Chris! There's my big, smart son. My special guy. My Chrissy.
Stewie Griffin: Sounds like someone got her vibrator working again.

Peter Griffin: [while visiting Europe] Oh, my God, it's beautiful. My TV isn't here. Let's go home.

Lois Griffin: Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie Griffin: No, thank you, I prefer to die giving you the finger.

Brian Griffin: You know what? You only live once. I am sticking my head out the window.
[sticks his head out the window]
Brian Griffin: Yes! This is the best version of whatever's so enjoyable about this!

Meg Griffin: I never got to go to college!
Brian Griffin: My book wasn't all I wanted it to be in spots!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I wanted to grow old with you!
Peter Griffin: Well, you kind of did.

Stewie Griffin: I can't believe I got to go to space before Derek Watson.
Brian Griffin: Who's Derek Watson?
Stewie Griffin: Nobody now.


"Family Guy: Not All Dogs Go to Heaven (#7.11)" (2009)
Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?
Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.
Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye.
[teleports them away]
Stewie Griffin: [Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor] Fuck!

Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set?
Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.
Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!

Brian Griffin: [to Meg] If there was a God would He give you a smokin' hot mom like Lois and then have you grow up looking like Peter?

Marina Sirtis: [as they pull up to a fast food drive-thru] Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!

Stewie Griffin: Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."
Brian Griffin: Are you queer?
Stewie Griffin: Probably.

Stewie Griffin: Uh, hello?
Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's can I help you?
Stewie Griffin: Ah, hailing frequencies open huh? Ah, yeah we're gonna get uh two McChicken sandwiches and a Diet coke and... what do you want Michael?
Michael Dorn: A McDLT?
Stewie Griffin: No, I already told you they don't make those anymore.
Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.
Stewie Griffin: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.
Jonathan Frakes: I want a Shamrock Shake if they've got any of those.
Stewie Griffin: It's September Jonathan!
LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this fuckin' headband off?
Stewie Griffin: No, LeVar you're blind. That's the only way you can see!
Michael Dorn: I'm just saying they have *all* the ingredients for a McDL...
[someone honks their horn]
Stewie Griffin: Just hang on alright? There's a lot of us. There's a lot... It's a big order!
Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?
Stewie Griffin: It's three o'clock!
Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.
Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast-food eater.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking shut up and get a salad!
Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!
Stewie Griffin: We'll get to you Brent.
Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, I want a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake!
Patrick Stewart: [backhands Wil Wheaton] You'll get nothing and like it!

Brian Griffin: Ah, the Annual Quahog Science Fiction Festival. Where Science Fiction Fans take their mouths off the barrel of a loaded shotgun and spend the day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

Peter Griffin: Erm, in the episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?

Brian Griffin: [after his car comes crashing through the window] I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
Peter Griffin: Ha!


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Stewie Griffin: [doing a prank phone call] Hey, Moe. Your sister is being raped!

Peter Griffin: [Homer strangles Peter] Ow, what the hell? That really hurts.
Homer Simpson: No, it doesn't. I do it to my son all the time.
Peter Griffin: You strangle your son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time.
Homer Simpson: That's *your* son!

Peter Griffin: [soaring across Springfield Gorge in a UFO] We're gonna make it!
Homer Simpson: Trust me, we're not.

Meg Griffin: I MATTER!
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!

Brian Griffin: Ah, I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie Griffin: Springfield, eh, wich state?
Brian Griffin: I can't imagine we are allowed to say.

Peter Griffin: [after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale] That's pretty good, right?
Homer Simpson: No. It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff.
Peter Griffin: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I... I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer Simpson: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse.
Peter Griffin: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talkin' about. Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood.
Moe Szyslak: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud.
Moe Szyslak: Look at this.
[tears the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label revealing a Duff label]
Homer Simpson: Huh? It is Duff. Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!

Lois Griffin: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian Griffin: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Homer Simpson: If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
[a few moments later, they're both woozy from drinking gasoline]
Peter Griffin: I feel sick.
Homer Simpson: Keep drinking. I prepaid forty bucks.

Brian Griffin: Peter, you should see this. Your dishwasher cartoon has really outraged the online community.
Peter Griffin: What? Gosh, it's not like the internet to go crazy about something small and stupid.

Chris Griffin: Dad, how long until we can go back home?
Peter Griffin: Um, I don't know. How long do women hold grudges? Not very long, I'm guessing.


"Family Guy: He's Bla-ack! (#12.20)" (2014)
Cleveland Brown: Wassup?
[the theme music to "The Cleveland Song" plays as Cleveland approaches the guys at the Clam]
Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Cleveland Brown: All right. I knew this was coming. Everybody, gimme your best shot.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe Swanson: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
Cleveland Brown: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Glenn Quagmire: That's your bar? Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland Brown: This is good. This is constructive.
Glenn Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season 2.
Cleveland Brown: It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
Glenn Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe Swanson: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Cleveland Brown: Anything else?
Peter Griffin: [hands Cleveland a stack of DVDs] Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed and I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland Brown: I... I don't have a DVD player.

Rallo: [to Stewie] What's up, man?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, yeah, 'sup. Keep walking, ya Boondocks ripoff.

Cleveland Brown: [about the condition of his old house] What the hell happened?
Peter Griffin: Well, a lot of people rented your house. Uh, Ryan Reynolds, Chevy Chase and Dan Aykroyd... for a while, it was an orphanage where the children sang desolate songs.
Orphans: [Cutaway to a group of orphans standing outside of the house]
[singing]
Orphans: We're too old to ever be adopted. No one wants a 9-year-old.
Peter Griffin: [off-screen] Shut up, you bastards!

Lois Griffin: Peter, this is serious! A woman hit our child! What is wrong with her?
Brian Griffin: Whoa, can I get some white bread on that judgmental sandwich?
Lois Griffin: Brian, why are you bringing race into this?
Brian Griffin: Lois, I've spent my life trying to keep race out of things. That's why whenever I walk into Lids, every guy fist-bumps me.
Lois Griffin: Oh, you're full of crap, Brian.
Brian Griffin: I'm just saying, Lois, some of us go through life without seeing color.
Lois Griffin: That's because you're color blind, Brian.

Lois Griffin: [to Donna] I don't spank and my children are very well-behaved.
Donna Tubbs: Oh, yeah? Your baby's on the roof right now.
Lois Griffin: [sees Stewie standing on the roof] Stewie! You get down from there this instant!
Stewie Griffin: Munch me, bitch!
Lois Griffin: Right now, Stewie or you're in time-out!
Stewie Griffin: How many gray pubes you pluck today, you old bag?

Donna Tubbs: [to Lois] Your time-outs are a joke. You're a terrible parent.
Lois Griffin: I'm a terrible parent? You're a child abuser! You know what? From now on, I don't want our families having anything to do with each other!
Peter Griffin: Well, Cleveland, looks like these two little alley cats have scrapped it out. I'll see you tomorrow.
Lois Griffin: That includes you, Peter. I don't want you ever talking to Cleveland again.
Donna Tubbs: And Cleveland, I forbid you from ever talking to Peter again!

Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now!

Cleveland Brown: Peter, what are we doing here?
Peter Griffin: Well, women will always band together to stop an offensive art exhibit from coming to town, so I've arranged for all my photos of baby wieners to be put on display.
Cleveland Brown: [sees the photos] Oh, Peter, I'm gonna have to call the police on this.
Peter Griffin: What? Why? It's to get our wives back together!
Cleveland Brown: Peter, these are hundreds of naked babies in suggestive situations! And they're time-stamped as far back as 1998 which is way before we had this idea!
Peter Griffin: I need help!

Chris Griffin: Mom's making me sleep in the basement.
Peter Griffin: Sleeping lower in the house is a big punishment for her.

Lois Griffin: Peter, let's just give Susie her gift, eat our cake and leave. I don't want to be here with that Brown family.
Stewie Griffin: That sounds even more racist than it is.


"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab] Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."
Peter Griffin: Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?

Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.

[Stewie sits next to a sullen Meg]
Stewie Griffin: So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou...
[burps]
Stewie Griffin: Oops, just burped.

Peter Griffin: What was the point of all that? Al it does it shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Augh!

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?
Mort Goldman: Peter, are you EATING those?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!

Peter Griffin: While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.
Mort Goldman: Kathleen Turner's on page 45.
Peter Griffin: Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.
[glances at the magazine]
Peter Griffin: Aww, that's a shame.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.
Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22.
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.
Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...
Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?
Mort Goldman: Well, not right away...
Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...

Liddane: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
Liddane: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
Liddane: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
[shouts]
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!

Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.


"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo.
Brian Griffin: Yes, yes it is.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

[Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside]
Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter.
[Chris does]
Stewie Griffin: That's it, ring the bell!
[he does]
Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]

[Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry]
Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.

Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.

Peter Griffin: [in Sunday School with several children during story time] And when you die, you go to a wonderful place called heaven.
[children gasp in delight, Peter starts laughing]
Peter Griffin: Nah, I'm just yankin' ya, you'll all rot in the ground.
[children look horrified]

Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!

Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.

Peter Griffin: I tell ya, Dark Side of The Moon totally syncs up with the Wizard of Oz.
Luke Perry: Really? Shannon Daugherty told me that once, but I thought she was just being a bitch.


"Family Guy: Mind Over Murder (#1.4)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: I can't even watch tv anymore All the shows are starting to run together!
Announcer: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [Bert and Ernie are spooning in bed together when the phone rings] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Hangs up, puts on a pair of dirty jeans and takes a swig of liquor]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter Griffin: No, I hit your dad.
Bystander: Whoa, stand back, give her some air.
Peter Griffin: You mean... give him some air.
Woman: Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
Peter Griffin: Y-you mean he's going into labor.
[a baby starts crying offscreen]
Peter Griffin: Whoops.

Cleveland Brown: Oh, that's funny. That's even more humorous than that joke you told us last night.
[Cutaway to the bar]
Peter Griffin: Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right? Oh, oh, wait a second...
[to his right, there are Jewish people, and to his left, Chinese people]
Peter Griffin: Okay, a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, and there's this naked priest sitting there, and he- ooh, sorry, Father.
Naked Priest: No, I've heard 'em all.

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter Griffin: Hey, listen pal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding melons.
[She is shown holding two watermelons in front of her chest]
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
Peter Griffin: Now hang on a second there!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm holding hooters!
[She has two owls perched on her arm, still holding the melons]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem. Your wife's hot!
Peter Griffin: All right that's it!

Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
The Pawtucket Patriot: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?

The Pawtucket Patriot: Come Hither and Give Heed.
Peter Griffin: Woah, woah, woah. I don't swing that way pal!

Man: [ogling Lois] She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she?
Peter Griffin: Are you a woman?
Man: No.
[Peter punches him]

Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[grunts]

Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer!


"Family Guy: Stewie Loves Lois (#5.1)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that was a prostate exam.
Peter Griffin: Shut up! You had your finger in my ass!

Brian Griffin: Stewie loves Lois!
Stewie Griffin: Brian loves Olympia Dukakis!
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, I do.

Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What?
Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What?
[Peter whispers in her ear]
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
Peter Griffin: You sound just like him!
[Runs off, sobbing]
Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.

Stewie Griffin: Oh, it is so hard to find funny women, and you are hilarious. Oh, you're like a female Bonnie Hunt!

Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois Griffin: WHAT!
Stewie Griffin: Hi.
[Runs off giggling]

Stewie Griffin: I'm dying up here! What is this, a Tommy Lee pool party?

Peter Griffin: And to think I actually thought you raped me.
Doctor Hartman: Well, I was going to, but you ran out of the room!
Peter Griffin: What!
Doctor Hartman: [points at Peter and smiles] Ehhhhh!
Peter Griffin: [points at Hartman] Ehhhhh!
[Audience applauds]

Peter Griffin: I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm gonna be real anal about this.
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Sphincter.

Stewie Griffin: Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Lois? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Ma? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mommy? Mommy? Momma? Momma? Momma?
Lois Griffin: WHAT?
Stewie Griffin: Hi...
[runs off giggling]


"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
[Brian is watching "Seinfeld"]
Jerry Seinfeld: So you couldn't date her because she was a tickler.
George Costanza: A tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: And you're not a stickler for a tickler.
George Costanza: Not a stickler for a tickler.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're not a tickler stickler.
George Costanza: Not a tickler stickler.
[absurd babbling]
Brian: Where the hell is the remote?

Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"

Peter Griffin: [singing] Nothing else has worked so far/So I'll wish upon a star/Wondrous, dancing speck of light/I need a Jew/Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our checkbook looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew/Where to find/A Baum or Steen or Stein/To teach me how to whine and do my taxes?

Peter Griffin: They better not be expecting us to give money, because I gave at church last Sunday, and I'm pretty sure it all goes to the same God.

Peter Griffin: Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hey!

Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.

Max Weinstein: What do you want?
Peter Griffin: Financial advice.
Max Weinstein: Financial advice? How the hell did you know I'm an accountant?
Peter Griffin: [stressing his Jewish last name] Hello? "Max *Weinstein*"?


"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at when you're talking to them.

Lois Griffin: Peter, one of these days I'm gonna need to use the mirror.
Peter Griffin: Oh beans, I can't get this spit curl to... Wait a minute. Lois, what day is it?
Lois Griffin: Thursday.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Oh God, I am late!
Lois Griffin: Well, if you spent less time fixing your hair...
Peter Griffin: No, I mean I am 'late' late! Do we still have that pregnancy test?
Lois Griffin: Are you insane? You can't have a baby!
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't have a lot of options, I'm Catholic! God, I thought you would be happy for me!

Gloria Ironbox: Mr. Griffin, I am Gloria Ironbox. I represent Sarah Bennett one of your co-workers who is filing sexual harrassment charges against you.
Peter Griffin: Sarah... Sarah... Oh! Is she one we videotaped taking a dump?

Peter Griffin: [Peter returns from the women's retreat] Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian Griffin: Peter, you're...
Peter Griffin: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories! But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, Dad's a chick!

Gloria Ironbox: I teach a workplace sensitivity training class for the Women's Action Coalition. If Mr Griffin completes my course, we'll drop the lawsuit.
Mr. Jonathan Weed: I assure you, Peter will be there.
Gloria Ironbox: His job depends on it.
Peter Griffin: [to Ms. Ironbox] You know, if I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.

Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.

Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.


"Family Guy: Dammit Janet (#2.15)" (2000)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose you have any Valium on you? Of course not. You're living the clean life now.

Lois Griffin: I'm so bored without Stewie around, I don't know what to do.
Brian Griffin: We could get hammered.

Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin.
[wiggles his tongue like a snake]

Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

Peter Griffin: All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.
[high-pitched voice]
Peter Griffin: I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.

Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
[Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
Agent: Who?
[Courtney Love looks down and grimaces]

Lois Griffin: Uh, Well, this is just great! How the Hell are we supposed to get home?
Peter Griffin: Look, all we got to do is to get some fake passports on the black market.
Lois Griffin: Where are you going? You're never gonna find the black market!
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's what you said about that back-alley-abortionist! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you changed your mind, the point is I *found* the guy.


"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Hey Stewie.
[looking down, seeing Homer Simpson after Stewie ran over him]
Peter Griffin: Who the hell is that?

Peter Griffin: Oh Lois you are so full of
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: . What? Now I can't say
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: in my own
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: house?
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: Great Lois, just
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: great. You know you're lucky you're good at
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: my
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about when
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: you lubed up
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: toothpaste in my
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: while you
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: extension cord
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: wetness
[air horn]
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket? That is the best.

Stewie Griffin: Good Day to you sir. And now prepare to die.

Lois Griffin: [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile] Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!
Stewie Griffin: [cowering in a corner] Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!

Lois Griffin: The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.
[music in]
Peter Griffin: They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.
Brian Griffin: They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.
Stewie Griffin: And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC.
Brian Griffin: They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.
Peter Griffin: Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.
Stewie Griffin: Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing
Peter Griffin: With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.
Brian Griffin: And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.
Stewie Griffin: I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.
Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!

Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.

[Peter is shown working at an Acme store and Wile E. Coyote is his customer]
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah uh, I bought a giant sized sling shot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain.
Peter Griffin: Sorry, no returns.
Wile E. Coyote: I've been a customer here for years!
Peter Griffin: I can probably give you store credit.
Wile E. Coyote: But I... really? Well I guess...
Mrs. Coyote: [walks into the store] What's the hold up in here?
Wile E. Coyote: [to his wife] I'm taking care of it!

Lois Griffin: Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?
Peter Griffin: [half-heartedly] Oh, all right.
[he rolls on top of her, but before they can do anything, an airhorn sounds]
FCC officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.
Lois Griffin: What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?
FCC officer: Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.
Lois Griffin: [after a moment of silence] Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...
Peter Griffin: [his eyes glazing over] I'm done. Night, Lois.
[he falls asleep]


"Family Guy: Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater (#2.1)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: Oh come on Lois. It's time to act like the piece of schmidt you are
Lois Griffin: That's Pewterschmidt

Peter Griffin: I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club. I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket.
Brian Griffin: Face it, Peter, you have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
Peter Griffin: Aw, this sucks. Lois' friend Yacht Boy and his lovely wife Caca invited us to some hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again. You gotta help me, Brian. Teach me how to be a gentleman.
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation. For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having." Now you try.
Peter Griffin: It's a pleasure to see you again. After "Hogan's Heroes", Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Brian Griffin: Wow, perfect. My work is done. But just for the heck of it, let's try again.

Brian Griffin: All right Peter, I've hooked you up to a chair where the right TV is tuned to Frasier and the left TV is tuned to Ricki Lake. If you so much as glance at the left TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.
Peter Griffin: I'll do it!
Niles Crane: Frasier,you're so corpulent that when you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa you sit AROUND the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.
Peter Griffin: Wow, this really is the smartest show on TV!
Guy on Ricki Lake: Yo Ricki, she's my girlfriend, she's not supposed to be havin' no penis!
Peter Griffin: [Brian shocks Peter for looking at left TV] Aaaaaaaaaaagh!

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] Yeah, it just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.
[Flash to Peter at Christmas in front of a fireplace at Lois' parents. "The First Noel" is playing in the background. Carter throws his pocket watch in front of the fireplace]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, I dropped my watch. Peter, would you be a sport and fetch it for me?
Peter Griffin: Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
[Carter kicks Peter into the fire. He screams and runs and is on fire]
Peter Griffin: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh dear, we've got to put that out!
[Carter beats Peter with a log]
Peter Griffin: Ow Ow Ow Ow!

Peter Griffin: [Brian shows him the Star Wars glass] Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass?
Brian Griffin: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father.
Peter Griffin: [tears break out] That's not true! That's impossible!
Brian Griffin: Damn it, Peter, snap out of it.
[glass starts to crack]
Peter Griffin: No!

Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy.
Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get?
[really fast]
Peter Griffin: Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP.

[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.

[during the musical number from when they arrive at the mansion they have inherited]
Peter Griffin: [singing] Used to pass, lots of gas, Lois ran away. Now we've got 30 rooms, hello beans, goodbye spray!


"Family Guy: Holy Crap (#2.2)" (1999)
The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin: Of course, right over there is Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin: Ooh, someone went to Yale.

Francis Griffin: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, its Boston. See look, there's Harvard.
The Pope: That's just a barn.
Peter Griffin: Ooh. Someone went to Yale!

Peter Griffin: My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!

[Peter is trying to figure out how to earn his father's respect when he sees a news report of the Pope visiting Quahog]
Peter Griffin: I just got a crazy idea.
[putting a waffle iron on the table, he sticks his hand into it and closes the lid]
Peter Griffin: AHHHH!

Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a Catholic.
[flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding; a sign on their car reads "Just Married", and spray painted underneath is "To a Protestant whore"]

Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?

Stewie Griffin: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.


"Family Guy: Fresh Heir (#12.14)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: [during his "insanity practice"] Pinwheels! Pinwheels in my head! Voices! Angry fish!

Peter Griffin: I love Mike & Molly! I love Mike and I also love Molly!

Peter Griffin: Hey, hey, Chris, how about you and me do a secret handshake that has way too many steps to remember, all right?
Chris Griffin: Okay.
Peter Griffin: Shake, bump, bump, slap, pinky hook, pretend to slick your hair back, represent, bump, one spin, slap high, slap low, reverse spin, bump, explode, shake, belly rub, fake yawn, finger gun, hitchhiker, hitchhiker, shimmy shimmy sham sham, shake, shake, shake, bump, something smells and shake again. Okay, ready?
[Chris is gone; looks out the window]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, it's night time.

Chris Griffin: [while Peter and Chris are watching "Meatballs"]
[to Peter]
Chris Griffin: Who's the guy?
Peter Griffin: That's not a guy. That's the hot chick!
Chris Griffin: Where are her boobs?
Peter Griffin: Flat with a decent face was the best we could hope for back then.

Peter Griffin: Chris Griffin, will you marry me?
Chris Griffin: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?
Peter Griffin: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there.

Meg Griffin: [while Peter is in Chris' room, Meg walks in, wearing nothing but a towel] Chris, our bath is ready.
Peter Griffin: I... uh, I don't... I don't know what to do now. I... I don't have the parenting skills necessary to deal with this.
Meg Griffin: I say we never speak of this again.
Peter Griffin: I... I might move.

Stewie Griffin: OMG, the photographer is like obsessed with me.

Peter Griffin: [voice-over at the end of the episode] Interestingly, however, I did run into Chris again. It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. He was with another dad. I was with another son, but it was nice reminiscing about old times. For you kids watching, this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie. He also married one of his children.


"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! You and your girlfriend are taking the name James Woods off the high school?
Brian Griffin: Well, yes, for Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: That's crazy. You're gonna name the school after the star of Space 1999?
Brian Griffin: No, that's Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: Oh, the guy who played Sheneneh?
Brian Griffin: That's Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: The drunk crooner?
Brian Griffin: That's Dean Martin.
Peter Griffin: The drink that's best served on the rocks?
Brian Griffin: Martini and Rossi.
Peter Griffin: The guy on West Wing?
Brian Griffin: Martin Sheen.
Peter Griffin: The guy from Platoon?
Brian Griffin: Charlie Sheen.
Peter Griffin: No, the other guy from Platoon.
Brian Griffin: Uh...
Peter Griffin: C'mon...
Brian Griffin: Willem Dafoe?
Peter Griffin: [holds up card] Ooh, sorry. We were looking for Berenger, Tom Berenger. Thanks for playing, Brian, sorry it didn't work out for ya.

Peter Griffin: [looking at the wrong news article] 200 die in train derailment. Oh god, Lois! That is morbidly obese!

Peter Griffin: James, do we really have to watch "Videodrome"?
James Woods: Yeah, I think you're really going to appreciate all the subtle nuances of my performance. See, even though that guy is talking, your eye is drawn to me.
Peter Griffin: [unimpressed] Yeah, is there going to be any nudity?
James Woods: Yes, I get naked.

Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]

Adam West: Want some corn?
Brian Griffin: Sure.
[Brian reaches into the bag, but withdraws when his paw becomes sticky with a viscous substance]
Brian Griffin: What kind of corn is this?
Adam West: Creamed corn, I brought it from home. I don't like the corn they have here, it's too crunchy.

Peter Griffin: Me? Go to a PTA meeting? What, are you high?
Lois Griffin: Nah, not anymore, I crashed hours ago. By the way, we are out of chips, cookies, and funnybones.

Peter Griffin: [sat in the audience of a Miss USA Pageant, trying to pick up contestants as they walk on stage; first girl approaches] Hey! How's it going? I'm Peter. You wanna go out sometime? Maybe you got a Saturday night free?
[first girl walks away]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, you know what? To hell with you, then. Yeah, go to hell. Go to hell.
[second girl approaches]
Peter Griffin: Hey! I'm Peter. What do you say you and me go get a couple of beers? Maybe we could - -
[second girl walks away]
Peter Griffin: Oh, fine! You know what? You got mosquito-bite boobs anyway. I... I don't care. I don't care, I don't need you.
[third girl approaches]
Peter Griffin: Hey! How are you? I'm Peter. I got a coupon for Sizzler with your name on it. You know? Maybe the two of us can - -
[third girl walks away]
Peter Griffin: Ah, you know what? I don't care, you're a bitch.

Brian Griffin: Hey Peter. Where's James Woods?
Peter Griffin: Eh, it turns out he wasn't very good at catching stuff with his mouth. Where's your girlfriend?
Brian Griffin: Eh, same problem.
Brian Griffin, Peter Griffin: Whoa!


"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Lois, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Peter shoves her down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: [Peter is trying to convince Lois that the world is ending and trying to get her to go to the basement, but Lois is refusing] Honey, are you pregnant?
Lois Griffin: No, why?
[Shoves Lois down the stairs]

Peter Griffin: Sorry but I don't take coupons from giant chickens, not after last time.

Peter Griffin: [laughs at Lois] You said "nuclear"! It's "nucular" dummy, the S is silent.

[Peter has just eaten all the dehydrated food rations]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you just ate a year's worth of food!
Peter Griffin: Huh. What a waste of money. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water, then immediately balloons to several times his size]
Peter Griffin: Everybody leave. I have to poop. *NOW!*
[the family runs away]

Cleveland Brown: Guns only lead to trouble.
Peter Griffin: That's right. And when trouble comes, we'll be ready to blow its freakin' head off.

Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead Lois!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, okay, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Lois look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Lois back away slowly]

Guy Handing Out Coupons: [to Peter, he holds a coupon out, dressed as a chicken] Excuse me, sir, would you like a coupon?
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, thank you, I don't trust giant chickens any more.
[goes to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, the nice chicken outside gave me a coupon.
Cashier: [looks at coupon] Oh, I'm sorry but this coupon expired yesterday.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at chicken outside] Son of a...
[jumps out window and tackles the chicken]


"Family Guy: Stew-Roids (#7.13)" (2009)
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!

Stewie Griffin: And now, here's something we hope you really like.

Stewie Griffin: [singing] I got veins. They carry blood all over my baddy.
[He stops singing and turns to Brian]
Stewie Griffin: That's how John Mayer would say it. Baddy. I'm really into him right now. You'd better be okay with it!

[providing commentary on Joe grilling hamburgers]
Peter Griffin: Now pick that one up and put it down in the exact same spot.

Lois Griffin: Now, honey, this won't hurt.
[Dabs Stewie with disinfectant]
Stewie Griffin: Ah, those lying bastards at Johnson and Johnson!
[Cut to sinister Johnson and Johnson HQ]
Scientist #1: We'll put "No more tears" on the bottle.
Scientist #2: But it does make you cry.
Scientist #1: I know. Whoo-ha-ha-ha.
Scientist #2: Whoo-ha-ha-ha.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what exactly are you worried will happen because of this?
Peter Griffin: World War 5!
Lois Griffin: Peter, we've talked about this, there has to be a World War 3 and 4 first.
Peter Griffin: Oh, no, Lois. That's the beauty of World War 5. It's so intense it jumps right over World War 3 and 4.
Lois Griffin: But that's...
Peter Griffin: I have spoken!

Stranger at the Gym: Ah, your kid just needs a little help. Try some of this
[offers steroids]
Stranger at the Gym: .
Peter Griffin: Well, if there's anyone I can trust it's a stranger at the gym holding a dirty needle!

Brian Griffin: [seeing the new buffed-up Stewie] Stewie, you look gross. You look like Lou Ferrigno's poop.


"Family Guy: Brian: Portrait of a Dog (#1.7)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: God I hate this freaking cat.

Brian: [after kicking another dog in the testicles from behind] I see somebody's been neutered.

Brian: [Brian licks Peter's face in appreciation] If you ever tell anyone about that, I will kill you.

Peter Griffin: Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon buns, and stop being a bad dog.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] How dare you? How dare you?
Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going?
Brian Griffin: Out.
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey you're not going anywhere without your leash.
Brian Griffin: I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. He won't get far without this.
[holds up spark-plug wires from the car]

Brian Griffin: I'm sorry, I don't do dog shows, that's not my thing.

Police Officer: [after he brings Brian home from the streets; to Peter] And the fine is $10.00.
[to Brian]
Police Officer: Now you behave yourself, little guy. Understand?
Brian Griffin: [sarcastically in a Southern voice] Oh Lordy, Lordy I'll never roam again!
[Peter closes the door]
Brian Griffin: Jackass.

[at a dog show]
Peter Griffin: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me.
[aware that the audience is watching]
Peter Griffin: Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.

Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.


"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Life's confusing when we grow up, isn't it, Brian? Hey, can we listen to my mix tape?
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Go ahead.
Stewie Griffin: [singing along to Gary Numan's "Cars"] Brian had sex. With a really dumb girl. Now he's taking his friend Stewie. To get some ice cream. In his car.
Brian Griffin: [turns off radio]
Stewie Griffin: Oh you're a poor sport.

Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Chris Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!

Stewie Griffin: Mmm... Jillian, this is some good lemonade!
Jillian: Yeah.
[sadly]
Jillian: I'm just sad they had to kill so many lemons to make it...

Stewie Griffin: [about Brian's girlfriend Jillian] It's like she's fucking five!

Peter Griffin: You're turning out to be a bigger buzzkill than Buzz Killington.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm gonna come right out with it. I think it would be hot for you and me to have sex in my office.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. There's no way that is going to happen. You know, it's no wonder you're so far behind in your work if this is how you behave at the office...

Peter Griffin: Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you Xerox your penis?
Peter Griffin: 300 times. It's a flip book. Flip through it or you're fired.

Lois Griffin: Oh, God, Peter let's do it. Let's do it right here, right now!
Peter Griffin: Lois, Lois wait. Wait. Opie's right there.
Lois Griffin: I want him to look, Peter.


"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [after looking at himself with make-up on in the mirror] Well! Look at you there! Oh, you're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yees, yees, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after! Oh, you're a dirty flirt. You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it? Aruff!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! Bad boy! That's mommy's make-up. Oh, and you got it all over your father's favourite shirt. Now go to your room!
Brian Griffin: Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Stewie Griffin: Make any joke you want. You know I look good.

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Peter are assembling a bassinet] Now insert tab A into slot B.
Peter Griffin: That's what sh...
Brian Griffin: If you say, "That's what she said" one more time, I'm gonna pop you.

[Stewie is singing "Up Where We Belong" from "An Officer and a Gentleman," Peter and Lois are near tears]
Lois Griffin: Oh, I love you Peter!
Peter Griffin: And I love you Lou Gossett Jr!

Peter Griffin: Oh, geez! My duodenum's acting up!

[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.

Stewie Griffin: Well, it seems you're out of ammunition.
Bertram: As are you, Stewart.
Stewie Griffin: [gasp] You know my name?
Bertram: I know many things.
Stewie Griffin: Indeed.
Bertram: Quite.
Stewie Griffin: Yes.
Bertram: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Well, perhaps we should exchange monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person.
Bertram: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm.
Stewie Griffin: Yes.

Bertram: Go ahead, finish me off! My only regret is that I won't be able to do away with that red-headed woman.
Stewie Griffin: What the-? How the devil do you know about Lois?
Bertram: You seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle? That's me, plotting my escape.
Stewie Griffin: You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate?
Bertram: People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards.
Stewie Griffin: Ooh, ooh, people who use the word "guesstimate".
Bertram: Guys who wear sandals with socks.
Stewie Griffin, Bertram: Jason Patric! Ewwww!

[during a romantic dinner]
Lois Griffin: [seductively] You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.


"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Brian Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's penis] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.

Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?

Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.

Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.

Peter Griffin: [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
[He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin: Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!

Peter Griffin: Hey, camera guy. Check this out.
[holding up an old woman puppet]
Peter Griffin: 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
Peter Griffin: [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
Peter Griffin: Oh! She got me!

Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.


"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.

Meg Griffin: I got a makeover, dad. Don't I look great?
Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you looked beautiful just the way...
[breaks into laughter]
Peter Griffin: Couldn't do that with a straight face! Oh, welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?

Lois Griffin: I'm worried about Meg. She's spiraling out of control, I mean what if she develops a coke problem?
Peter Griffin: No Coke, Pepsi!
[Peter laughs, and Lois walks away]
Peter Griffin: Aww, come on! You set me up for that one!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Fallon! Say goodnight, you bum!
[punches Jimmy Fallon over and over]
Peter Griffin: And this is for laughing and looking at the camera during every comedy sketch you've ever been in! Who do you think you are, Carol Burnett? You think she did it so it's all right for you? You haven't earned what she's earned! All right, now where's the guy who slept with my daughter?

Brian Griffin: Wow, you're Jimmy Iovine, the Chairman of Interscope Records. What are you doing in prison?
Jimmy Iovine: Uh, I stomped a cat to death.


"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Ha, remember your trip to the southwest?
Road Runner: [a scene similar to the Road Runner cartoons appears as well as the Road Runner] Meep, meep!
Peter Griffin: [Road Runner pulls over in the middle of the road, and is then hit by a car being driven by Peter] Aw geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: [Wile E. Coyote in the passenger seat] No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah he's fine, just keep going.

Lois Griffin: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie Griffin: Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

Peter Griffin: You know those Germans. If you don't join the party, they come get you.

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

Brian Griffin: Hey, barkeep. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!

Lois Griffin: [Stewie is refusing to eat his broccoli] My, aren't we fussy tonight? Okay, no broccoli.
Stewie Griffin: Very well, then. Like...
[Lois forcefully sticks a forkful of broccoli into his mouth]
Stewie Griffin: [spitting the broccoli out] Who the hell do you think you are?


"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.

Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.
[listens to conversation over monitor]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.
Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude?
Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?
Dylan: You're weird.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!
Dylan: I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Dylan: Knock-knock.
Brian Griffin: Who's there?
Dylan: You're there.
Brian Griffin: I'll always be there, Dylan.

Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?
Brian Griffin: Those are dog years.
Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense.
Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

Brian Griffin: Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy.
Stewie Griffin: That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

Peter Griffin: Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
Joe Swanson: Listen Brian there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
Cleveland: Brian I want to punch you in the dick right now.


"Family Guy: Underage Peter (#14.14)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: [annoyed] Peter, is there something you want to tell me?
Peter Griffin: Uuuh, YEAH. Every light in the house is on.
Lois Griffin: Did you destroy the library?
Peter Griffin: Did *I* destroy the library? Ha! No, Lois. That was television.

Peter Griffin: [whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!
Brian Griffin: [happily wagging his tail] Hey, what's up? We going for a ride in the car?
Peter Griffin: No, I had a question for ya.
Brian Griffin: Don't EVER fucking do that unless you have a car ride to offer...!

Peter Griffin: I tell you, guys, getting alcohol when you're underage isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look.
Glenn Quagmire: What? Is that true?
Peter Griffin: I don't know.

Brian Griffin: I'm 56 in dog years.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that why you got white pubic hair?
Brian Griffin: I'll thank you not to check out my pubic hair.
Peter Griffin: Well, then don't go flashing it around. Put on some underpants, you crazy old man.

Stewie Griffin: Brian, I think we can get John Mayer to stop tweeting again, but we all got to work together.

Opie: [while on the news looking sober] Well, I do miss drinking, but I have used the time to reconnect with my children and I have been thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. He's just been drunk this whole time?

Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys. I will now do anything for $10. Who's got something for me?
Glenn Quagmire: I got one. I'll give you ten bucks if you wear the same underwear for a month.
Peter Griffin: Pay up.
[Quagmire hands Peter $10]
Peter Griffin: Actually, you owe me 20.
Glenn Quagmire: Eww!
[hands Peter another bill]
Glenn Quagmire: Here's 50. Go change your underwear!
Peter Griffin: [scared] It won't come off!


"Family Guy: Ocean's Three and a Half (#7.7)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: What's it called?
Stewie Griffin: Susie.
Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
Stewie Griffin: Name twenty!
Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block.
Stewie Griffin: Name six more!
Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher.
Stewie Griffin: Name five more!
Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby.
Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!

Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there.
Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind?
Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron.
Megatron: Do as I command!
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.

Cleveland Brown: [Voice Identification]
[In Carter's voice]
Cleveland Brown: It's me Carter, I want my money.
Computer: Voice print verified.
Glenn Quagmire: How the hell'd you do that?
Cleveland Brown: I can do you guys too.
[In Peter's exact voice]
Cleveland Brown: Hey everybody.
Peter Griffin: [Peter brightens up] Oh hey Peter!
Cleveland Brown: No it's still me.

Joe Swanson: Guys! Bonnie's going into labor! We gotta get her to the hospital! Quick, Peter, get the car!
Peter Griffin: No way! I don't want pregnant mess in my back seat.
Cleveland Brown: Oh, come on. You're the guy who soiled his pants while test driving that sports car.

Joe Swanson: I don't know, Peter. We've been out here all day and we haven't managed to interest a single woman in our massage parlor.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, here comes somebody. Excuse me, stressed-out lady. May I interest you in a full-release relaxation massage?
Woman on street: Oh, yeah. Just what I need: To be rubbed down by a big fatty, an old black guy, a cripple and a pervert.
Cleveland Brown: Now we don't have any money, AND our feelings are hurt.

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie has just shown Brian his music video] Don't worry, Brian. Those goosebumps will go away in about twenty minutes.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, that is the worst thing I have ever seen, ever. And I've seen Peter when he's frozen in sex-face.

Peter Griffin: [to Bonnie] Okay, I'm going to turn on "Two and a Half Men." If your baby isn't brain-dead, it'll come running out to change the channel.


"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
[Brian has to take a drug test but has just smoked pot]
Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?

Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]

Cop: I will not put up with this. I'm a Family Guy!
Peter Griffin: Ha! There, he said it!

Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it.

Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that.

Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year old friend?

Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.


"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: [there is a heat wave in Quahog] Brian, spit on me.
Brian Griffin: [spits on Stewie]
Stewie Griffin: Yes, now tell me I'm scum.
Brian Griffin: [pause] How's that going to help cool you off?
Stewie Griffin: Huh?

Peter Griffin: [after receiving news that he's being laid off] Man, this sucks worse than Easter Sunday at Richard Gere's house.
[flashback to Peter and Richard Gere standing outside. An Easter egg is lying on the ground in front of Peter]
Richard Gere: Okay, find the Easter egg.
Peter Griffin: I know where it is. It's in your butt!
Richard Gere: No.
Peter Griffin: Yeah... I know the story. It's in your butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin, if you'd just look on the ground for five seconds, I'm sure you'd find it.
Peter Griffin: Nope, in your butt!
Richard Gere: Look, I'm tired of this stupid rumor!
Peter Griffin: In your butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin...
Peter Griffin: [interrupting] Butt!
Richard Gere: Mr. Griffin...
Peter Griffin: [interrupting] Butt!
Richard Gere: You know what? Just get the hell out of here!
Peter Griffin: Fine! Weirdo!
[a rodent crawls out from Richard Gere's pant legs, grabs the Easter Egg, and runs back into the pant legs]

Peter Griffin: Who's sober enough to drive?
Peter Griffin: OK, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk, that you're a better driver because you know you're drunk. You know the kinda drunk that you probably shouldn't drive but you do anyway, because... come on, you gotta get a car home, right, I mean what do they expect me to do? Take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well screw that! You take a bus!
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.

TV Announcer: We now return to Showgirls...
Peter Griffin: Yeah!
TV Announcer: -on TBS.
Peter Griffin: Aww.

Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]

Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.

Joe Swanson: [checking his mail] Oh, great. It's here. That mirror I bought on eBay.
[unwrapping and holding the mirror up, he sees Peter's tank behind him]
Joe Swanson: OH, MY GOD!
[rolling away as fast as he can]
Joe Swanson: AHHH! AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!
[he bails from his chair, and the tank runs over his legs]
Peter Griffin: Joe, my god. What happened?
Joe Swanson: You just ran over me, you bastard! I don't know where you got that thing, but I'm impounding it!
Peter Griffin: [giggling] Look at you. You look like a half-empty toothpaste.


"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it.
Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!
Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!

Carter Pewterschmidt: Why are you naked in my house?
Peter Griffin: Uh... why aren't you?
Carter Pewterschmidt: [pause] You're all right, Griffin.

Brian Griffin: [Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously] How do you think it works?
Stewie Griffin: I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie Griffin: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian Griffin: What's that big back part?
Stewie Griffin: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian Griffin: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie Griffin: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian Griffin: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.
[the toilet flushes. Terrified, Stewie and Brian flee the room screaming]

Peter Griffin: I haven't felt this great in years! I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger, except without the fruity accent or the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Peter Griffin: I love prank calls.
Bill Clinton: [on the phone] Is this Linda Tripp?
Linda Tripp: Yes?
Bill Clinton: You shouldn't have talked you stupid bitch! I hope you die!
[Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable]
Peter Griffin: Uh Bill that wasn't a prank call. That was just unpleasant.

[Peter and Bill are stoned off their asses]
Peter Griffin: Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.
Bill Clinton: Me, too.

Lois Griffin: Brian, what's this on my shoe?
Brian Griffin: My poop.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm off.
Lois Griffin: Well, we knew this day would come. Good luck where you wind up.
Peter Griffin: Take care, buddy. Call if you want. If not, take care of yourself.
Brian Griffin: I'm just going away for a few days.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Lois Griffin: Oh. Okay.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, there's a seminar on creating... really? It would be that easy for you?
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: You thought I was leaving forever and you just said "good luck"? What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin: Brian, take it easy. You're not leaving forever. You're just leaving for a few days. What do you want, a parade?
Brian Griffin: You know what? Never mind.
Lois Griffin: Look, Brian, face it, you're a dog. The fact that your last name is Griffin is a pleasantry extended from our family, not by any legality.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and someday, when you're ready, you're gonna walk off into the woods and die.
Lois Griffin: And we're prepared for that.

Brian Griffin: So, there's this seminar in New Haven on creating your own web-based Internet series. Sounds like it could be right up my alley.
Lois Griffin: Is this another one of those classes where you make the checks out directly to the teacher's name?
Brian Griffin: [pause] Feel good about that? Feel good about what you just said?

Joe Swanson: [listening to one of Dan's stories, texting to Peter] How gay is this guy?
Peter Griffin: [texting back] So ducking gay.
[seeing the typo]
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry, that's my auto spell correct. But, uh, yeah, he's super gay.

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing home? I thought you'd be out on the town with Quagmire and his dad.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you're not gonna believe this. Quagmire's dad's gay.
Lois Griffin: What? Quagmire never said anything about that.
Peter Griffin: I don't think he knows. It's like he doesn't even notice it.
Lois Griffin: Really? Well, then how do you know he's gay?
Peter Griffin: Well, a lot of little things; the way he talks, his mannerisms, and he had the entire DVD set of "Sex and the City" between his butt cheeks.
Lois Griffin: Peter, no he didn't!
Peter Griffin: No, he didn't. He had the DVD set; I was just being colorful with the rest of it.

Glenn Quagmire: [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
Peter Griffin: Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
Glenn Quagmire: No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gay.
Glenn Quagmire: It's totally different!
Lois Griffin: Sounds the same.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, it's not!
Peter Griffin: Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
Glenn Quagmire: No, he'd date men.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: Gay.

Peter Griffin: What are you gonna name it? Huh? What are you gonna name your he/she father/mother?
Glenn Quagmire: Knock it off!

[last lines]
Brian Griffin: HEY.
[Quagmire turns around]
Brian Griffin: I fucked your dad!


"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: I'll be more convincing than Mel Gibson when he apologized to the Jews.
[cut to Mel Gibson giving a speech]
Mel Gibson: I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all I'm really sorry about you dirty, underhanded, backstabbing ways. Your number one dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

Jillian: [vomits]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Brian, what was that?
Brian Griffin: Oh, that was just Jillian. She's got this eating disorder, she's bulimic.
Stewie Griffin: Woah, really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, her hair's falling out, and yesterday she just lost a tooth.
Stewie Griffin: Really?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, but that purging just makes her look fabulous.
Brian Griffin: I mean, that's what the supermodels do, and let me tell you, some of them just look so good.
Jillian: [vomits again, but this time more violently]
Brian Griffin: Karen Carpenter overdid it, but I think Jillian's found a good balance.

Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.
[gasps]
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH MY GOD! You kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my crotch.

Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees, Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg?
[Lois looks up to find Meg had left and Brian is standing outside the door]
Brian Griffin: I love you!

Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter Griffin: What?

Peter Griffin: I'm abstinent, Lois. It's all in these pamphlets Meg brought home from school. Sex turns straight people gay and turns gays into Mexicans. Everyone goes down a notch.

Peter Griffin: Lois, the Hamburglar steals hamburgers, Grimace is Ronald McDonald's autistic friend.


"Family Guy: Road to Germany (#7.3)" (2008)
Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe?
Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin.
Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses?
Brian Griffin: I don't know
[slowly turns toward the camera]
Brian Griffin: maybe because they don't have any oil?
Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh...
[he applauds]
Stewie Griffin: oh clap clap clap clap clap!

Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws!
Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down.
Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated.
Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say.
[cut to Stewie with a See 'n Say; he pulls the cord]
European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!"
[Stewie pulls the cord again]
European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!"
Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not!
[pulls the cord again]
European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!"
Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that?
[pulls the cord again]
European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not!
[pulls the cord again]
European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!"
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.

RAF Commander: Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world. However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one. Four and a half of every five of you will not return. Half of Jenson there can tell you it gets pretty sticky.
Jenson: But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't.
RAF Commander: So let's get up there, be safe, and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home.
Stewie Griffin: Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to join.
RAF Commander: What are your qualifications?
Stewie Griffin: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly!
RAF Commander: Bombs away!

Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present.
Brian Griffin: Really?
Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.

Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are.
Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are.
Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say.
[a Cow says SHAZOOM]
Stewie Griffin: . Okay we are somewhere in Europe.

Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working!
Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting.
Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.

Brian Griffin: [Brian goes looking for Mort Goldman] Mort? Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey hey hey hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty, walking-on-the-street paws!


"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [about Nigel] He's Charming. All british men are.
Peter Griffin: Sure Lois, that's what they said about that Benjamin Disraeli guy.
Benjamin Disraeli: [Writing at desk after a pause] You don't know who I am!

Peter Griffin: Thank you, God.
God: You're welcome.

Stewie Griffin: Why can't the English teach their children to speak?

Eliza Pinchley: Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!

Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.

Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter!
Stewie Griffin: I was curious!

Peter Griffin: [after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter] Does anyone know what this guy's talking about?
Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette.
Peter Griffin: Then would someone tell this cigarette to shut up!


"Family Guy: A Hero Sits Next Door (#1.5)" (1999)
Brian: [mistaking a police scanner for a normal radio, during a crime report] Is it just me, or is rap music just getting lazier?

Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Bonnie Swanson: The movers tracked grease all over the carpet. I've tried everything to get it out.
Lois Griffin: What about lemon juice?
Fan at ball game: What about club soda?
Stewie Griffin: What about shutting the hell up?

Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hiya, Joe.
Joe Swanson: Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up.
Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean?
[laughs]
Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver.
Peter Griffin: [moans] Are you kidding? You could borrow whatever you want.
Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you?
Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again.
Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose.
Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh?
Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun.
Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement.
[Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse]
Peter Griffin: [in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!

[Brian is panting. In front of him is an attractive woman]
Woman on bleachers: Ugh! Pervert!
Brian: Oh. Oh don't flatter yourself honey. I don't have any sweat glands

[Peter almost foils a bank robbery]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
[leaves]


"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [sees the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What's going on down here?
Stewie Griffin: Uh, we're playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.

[Stewie is riding along on his tricycle, suddenly he comes up against a big, mean kid]
Charlie: Nice bike.
Stewie Griffin: [cheerfully] Oh, if that's not the understatement of the century!
[Stewie dismounts it, thinking he's having a friendly chat. The kid gets on it]
Charlie: It's cool. Too cool for you!
Stewie Griffin: No-no. No-no. I think it's right where I'm at.
Charlie: Out of my way!
Stewie Griffin: [as the kid rides off] Oh I see, oh yes, yes, I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well, then, I'll just wait right here til you get back.
[time passes, it gets darker]
Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Where the devil is he?
Brian Griffin: You've obviously never met a bully.
Stewie Griffin: What the deuce do you mean, "bully"?
Brian Griffin: He wasn't taking it for a test ride, he was just taking it.
Stewie Griffin: [gasp] You... you mean?
Brian Griffin: [nods] Mm-hm.
Stewie Griffin: [starting to cry] He... stole... my... trikey?
[Stewie bawls. Brian comforts him]

Meg Griffin: Oh my God! I'm missing the news!
Peter Griffin: We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, we have to learn to be patient.

[American Beauty spoof - while recording Stewie riding his tricycle, Peter suddenly becomes transfixed by a plastic bag blowing around in the wind]
Peter Griffin: [gasps] Look, it's dancing with me. It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world it makes my heart burst.
God: [shouting down from the clouds] It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
[Peter and Lois don't say anything]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts!
[still Peter and Lois say nothing]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me!
[she runs upstairs]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

Stewie Griffin: [entering a police station] I say, Constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.
Police Officer: [Irish accent] Aww, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!
Man: I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.
Police Officer: [pointing at the man] Aw, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: [walks away in frustration] Gah!

Stewie Griffin: [to the bully who stole his tricycle] You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus-far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. But then it dawned on me, your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of...
[whips out a gun]
Stewie Griffin: - OUTER PAIN!
[he fires the gun - a net shoots out and traps the bully]


"Family Guy: Three Kings (#7.15)" (2009)
[last lines]
Peter Griffin: Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.

[first lines]
Peter Griffin: Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body.

[after the first commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery".

[after the second commercial break]
Peter Griffin: Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption".

Joe Swanson: Mr. Sheldon?
Brian Sheldon: Oh, my God, I'm saved! Let's get out of here before Stewie gets back.
[Two shotgun blasts are heard and Joe's legs are blown off. Joe screams in agony]
Joe Swanson: AHH! My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
[Stewie enters the house and points the shotgun at Joe]
Stewie Wilkes: No, you're not.
[He shoots Joe and blood splatters all over his face]

Brian Sheldon: I taste lipstick. Am I wearing lipstick?
Stewie Wilkes: Not anymore.

Brian Sheldon: You fondled me while I was asleep?
Stewie Wilkes: Yeah.
Brian Sheldon: I don't think I like that.
Stewie Wilkes: Well, it's done.


"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: [talking to Meg] No speakie until the man speakie to you.

Brian Griffin: Do you rent or own?
Pearl Burton: What?
Brian Griffin: Those wings, you angel.

Brian Griffin: [Trying to sell a product at the mall to a passer-by] Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
[Is punched in the face]

Brian Griffin: I don't know. I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like babysitting, only with bigger diapers.
Stewie Griffin: Aha! So they *do* make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain layabout feeding on other people's doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society!
[runs to toilet]
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] You get a job!

Lois Griffin: Brian, you're home early. What happened with your date?
Brian Griffin: Same thing that always happens: she was an idiot.

Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /

Pearl Burton: What is this, spit soup?
Brian: It's tomato bisque.
Pearl Burton: What is this, snot soup?
Brian: It's tomato bisque!
Pearl Burton: What is this, diarrhea soup?


"Family Guy: Seahorse Seashell Party (#10.2)" (2011)
[last lines of the episode, as the Griffins have a group hug when Stewie addresses the viewer]
Stewie Griffin: Hi. I'm Stewie Griffin. Tonight's "Family Guy" was a very special episode about drug use, but the simple fact is it's no laughing matter. To learn more about drugs, visit your local library. There's probably a guy behind there who sells drugs. Good night.

Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
[Brian's lapping stops]
Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.

Meg Griffin: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter Griffin: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg Griffin: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
[Peter giggles]
Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]
Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.
Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Lois Griffin: Meg, watch it.
Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!
[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!
[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]
Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him.
[picks up Stewie]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Brian Griffin: Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.
Meg Griffin: [sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean?
Meg Griffin: They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.
Brian Griffin: Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Meg Griffin: Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?
Brian Griffin: Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.
Meg Griffin: I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.
Brian Griffin: Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.
Meg Griffin: You mean that, Brian?
Brian Griffin: Absolutely.

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.
[Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/]
Peter Griffin: Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!


"Family Guy: If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin' (#2.9)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [about the Golden Idol his followers have built of him] Wow! I look like an Emmy!
Peter Griffin: [pause] Hint, hint.

[the Griffins are being terrorized by the Biblical Plagues]
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter Griffin: Good, 'cause this is really starting to get old.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the firstborn son.
Peter Griffin: Oh no, Stewie!
Brian: The *first* born son.
Peter Griffin: Meg!
Brian: [flatly] Your wife.
Peter Griffin: Chris!

Lois Griffin: [seeing Peter's "followers" building a golden statue of him] Oh, my God!
Peter Griffin: [slyly] Yes?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not funny.

Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?"
[brief pause]
Peter Griffin: You gonna eat that stapler?
Steven C. Callaghan: Mr. Griffin, you can't eat a...
Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?

Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.

[Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: GOD
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: IS
[slaps Peter]
Brian Griffin: PISSED.

[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.


"Family Guy: Brian Does Hollywood (#3.2)" (2001)
Director: [to Lois] You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, huh? A little girl/girl action maybe?
Lois Griffin: [gasps and nudges Peter] Peter!
Peter Griffin: Good luck buddy, I've been barkin' up that tree for 17 years.

Bill Cosby: You like jump rope, don't you?
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie is being hypnotized] I like jump rope.
Bill Cosby: All right, then you are going to sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie Griffin: I'm going to sit here and enjoy it, and I like pudding, and Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Stewie Griffin: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

Brian Griffin: So this is some sort of Shampoo Commercial, right?

Brian Griffin: They bought "Death Spares not the Tiger"? Can you believe he called his protagonist "Joe Everyman"? Oh well, good for him.

Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
[makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!

Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!


"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Well how about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Adam West: No!

Chris Griffin: I was going to school, and this guy won't let me.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
[points to soldiers in street]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a good army.

Joe Swanson: You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.

Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.

[Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.


"Family Guy: Turkey Guys (#13.5)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: I like Train.
Brian Griffin: I fucking LOVE Train!

Brian Griffin: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter Griffin: I swear to God I thought dogs could breathe underwater.

[last lines]
Peter Griffin: Four years later, Lois and I divorced and Stewie died.

Lois Griffin: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
Peter Griffin: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on "Evan Almighty"! Zap!

Peter Griffin: [to Lois] We'll be back with a turkey faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
Lois Griffin: Jack Ro...
[slurs]
Lois Griffin: Jack Ro...
[slurs]
Peter Griffin: She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain that says, "Jack Robinson." We got plenty of time.

Brian Griffin: Peter, do you not see that we are completely screwed here? And it's all thanks to you! You drove my car into a lake, you almost let me drown, you got us thrown off a bus, you broke our bike and now you've gotten our turkey stolen and Thanksgiving is ruined and we don't have any transportation and we're still miles from home!
Peter Griffin: You're starting to get black gums like an older dog.
Brian Griffin: You know what? You know what? Maybe it's my fault. I forgot, I'm talking to a complete idiot. You are so stupid!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm so stupid, then how did I manage to frame you for eating the turkey?
Brian Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Yeah! Didn't you notice you were passed out in all those photos? You didn't eat any of it. I just posed you like that because I didn't want to take all the blame.
Brian Griffin: You son of a bitch! How could you do that to me?
Peter Griffin: You're a dog, Brian. I can throw you off a bridge and as long as I don't hit a person on a boat, it's okay.

Peter Griffin: Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me and a little more mad at the guys growing mustaches for this month.
Brian Griffin: Hey, don't mock Mo-vember. Last year, I raised eight dollars and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.
Peter Griffin: No! You use real words! Internet stuff is not real words.


"Family Guy: Be Careful What You Fish For (#10.14)" (2012)
Miss Emily: [to Brian] I should probably go back in there, see how everyone's doing, I guess .
Brian Griffin: Ah, they're fine. In fact, I see Stewie reading a book.
Stewie Griffin: Scratch-and-sniff "Lindsay Lohan Goes Jogging."
[looks at the book]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God! That's terrible!
[picks up another book]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, here's a pop-up book: "Tommy Lee Goes Boating."

Brian Griffin: [when he stops by Stewie's daycare] Hey, Stewie. How's it going?
Stewie Griffin: Brian, what are you doing here?
Brian Griffin: Came by to check on my pal. Where's, uh, Miss Emily?
Stewie Griffin: I haven't seen her yet today. She gave me the keys to open up when she left yesterday. I thought you said you were gonna talk to her.
Brian Griffin: I did, a-and she's doing her best, you know? She's got a lot on her plate. She's got school, she's got work...
Stewie Griffin: This is her work!

Stewie Griffin: [when he finds out Brian is interested in Miss Emily] You're disgusting.
Brian Griffin: Hey, I'm sorry, but Miss Emily and I have a connection which is totally unexpected. And by the way, I actually think she's doing a pretty good job. She's teaching you guys independence.
Stewie Griffin: We're one! Independence means we die!

Dolphin: [to Peter] I'm gonna ask one more question and don't take this the wrong way, but have you actually got a penis?
Peter Griffin: Yes.
Dolphin: Where... where is it?
Peter Griffin: Where is it? It's in there.
Dolphin: Are you sure? So it's like Mr. Snuffleupagus, is it?
Peter Griffin: Aw, the hell with this. Lois, get the ruler, we're measuring again.

Brian Griffin: [When Stewie comes home from daycare with one of his arms hanging limply and dragging along the floor] Stewie, what's going on? Aren't you supposed to be at day care?
Stewie Griffin: I escaped.
Brian Griffin: What happened to your arm?
Stewie Griffin: I finally stood up for all of us and told Miss Emily we should be given a proper lunch and not just what's left over from her Baja Fresh, and she said I shouldn't raise my voice and pulled me really hard into the other room, and my arm came out of its socket.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure? Are you sure you didn't just sleep on it funny?
Stewie Griffin: Does this look like I slept on it funny? I'm gonna tell Mom! Mom!
Brian Griffin: [stops Stewie] You are not going anywhere. I finally have a date with Miss Emily tomorrow and I'm not gonna let you or anybody else get in my way until I have seen every inch of her naked.
Stewie Griffin: Do you even hear yourself? And what am I supposed to do about my arm?
Brian Griffin: I'll just pop it back in.
Stewie Griffin: You most certainly will not! I need to go to a hospital.
Lois Griffin: [off-screen] Brian, is Stewie in there with you?
Stewie Griffin: Mom!
[Brian grabs Stewie, putting his hand over his mouth as he rips a page out of his book and stuffs it in his mouth]
Brian Griffin: We're in here, Lois. He's napping.
[to Stewie]
Brian Griffin: Relax. I'm gonna pop it back in.
[grabs Stewie's arm and starts to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place as Stewie screams into the wad of paper. Stewie pulls free from Brian after a few seconds and tries to crawl away, but Brian grabs him again and continues to try to pop Stewie's shoulder back in place]
Brian Griffin: Get in there! C... come on! Hold still, Stewie!
[Brian grabs his book and uses it to pop Stewie's arm back into place, Stewie spits the paper out and coughs as he rubs his arm]
Stewie Griffin: I'm not saying I like pain, but I'm not saying I don't like it either.

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian has Miss Emily arrested] Man, when she gets to jail, she's gonna be major lez-chow.
Brian Griffin: She sure is, Stewie. She sure is.

Dolphin: Ah. Hello, Joanne.
Joanna Finn: Billy? What are you doing here?
Peter Griffin: He's here because he loves you and he wants to patch things up. Hey, how come you ain't got boobs? You like a runner or something?


"Family Guy: The Peanut Butter Kid (#14.11)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Go crappy car, go!

Lois Griffin: This is serious. We need to think about our kids' education. Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college and Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Stewie Griffin: No, Chris. Not yay.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Peter Griffin: Well, that's only half the story. I also hooted at a lady who was breastfeeding.

Peter Griffin: All right, let's go to the food court. I love eating Panda Express while squeezing our purchases between our knees 'cause someone might grab 'em. God, the mall sucks, doesn't it, kids?

Lois Griffin: You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow. Who knows? This could be the beginning of a nice career for him.
Brian Griffin: You sure about this, Lois? I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid. Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Peter Griffin: Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Brian Griffin: Didn't your father hate your guts and die?

Peter Griffin: [to Brian] Why are you winking at our baby, you creep? God, that's weird. I don't want to ever see that happen again.


"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah?
Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good.
[a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]

Peter Griffin: I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.

Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.
Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.
Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.
[He begins to talk like a film noir detective]
Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs]
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.

Peter Griffin: [points to a bartender while singing Surfin' Bird] Hey, guy behind the counter. The bird is the word.
Peter Griffin: [to a young kid in a booth] Frightened little child, the bird is the word.
Peter Griffin: [opening the door to the ladies room] Lady on the toilet
[after she screams]
Peter Griffin: The bird is the word. Hey don't you know about the bird?
Lady On The Toilet: [joining Peter] Sure, everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

Peter Griffin: [bailing Jesus out of jail] Jesus Christ, look at you!


"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Stewie Griffin: I'd like to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

[Stewie and Olivia have just finished their duet]
Simon: Watch this. Are you watching?
[Stewie and Olivia nod]
Simon: [Simon slaps himself] That's for me ever having doubted you. A+!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie slaps Simon] And that's for you wearing purple pants with blue socks! Eeuhw!
[laughs and looks to Olivia]
Stewie Griffin: I totally called him on it.

Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.

[Stewie has just finished his performance]
Simon: Ok, any comments?
Olivia: [Raises her hand] You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye.
[the class laughs]
Stewie Griffin: [laughing sarcastically] Oh, gosh! That's funny! That's really fun - Do you right your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." You know? I've-I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard any one reference-reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? Isn't it? "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." And-and-and you've taken that, and-and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any-any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Because-because I'm here. God, you are so funny!

Simon: Look, it's your first marquee!
[the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie"]
Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.
[pause]
Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?

Meg Griffin: Jeff! What are you doing here? I'm not supposed to see you.
Jeff Campbell: Your parents invited me.
Meg Griffin: My parents? But they wouldn't...
Lois Griffin: [she and Peter stand naked nearby] Yes, we would.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my god! What are you doing?
Lois Griffin: We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.
Chris Griffin: [entering, also naked] Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?


"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
Brian Griffin: What? I have to go!
[starts to hang up the phone]
Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
Jillian: Thank you!
[Brian hangs up the phone]

Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous.
[he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]

Peter Griffin: If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
[pauses then looks to the camera]
Peter Griffin: Yeah.

[Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Jillian: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian Griffin: There you go sport.


"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: You know, it would be fun to write some new songs.
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is fun? Watching "Mr. Belvedere" without people talking so loud.
Lois Griffin: So I was thinking we could...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] STREAKS ON THE CHINA NEVER MATTERED BEFORE! WHO CARED! WHEN YOU DROP-KICKED YOUR JACKET, WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, NO ONE GLARED!

Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL. AND WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET. DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DA-NA-NA-DA!

Stewie Griffin: You're so pretty... You're always pretty.

Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!

Stewie Griffin: I feel more delirious than my cousin Stewie Cruise.
Stewie Griffin: [Jumping up and down on Oprah Winfrey's couch] I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay! Go see my new movie! I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!

Peter Griffin: I can't believe we lost the talent show. I wonder where we went wrong?
Chris Griffin: I think I can shed some light on that. You guys were so baked you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience.
Lois Griffin: And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.
Chris Griffin: Well, that's a common misconception, Mom and Dad, but the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC - a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason they call it "dope".


"Family Guy: Brian Sings & Swings (#4.19)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Hey Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, a lot of hungry deer out at this time of night. Oh, this is where the story gets interesting. You may have noticed I'm missing an ear. I managed to pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-11. So when you're ready to apologize to me just talk into this cup.

Lois Griffin: Oh, Meg, I think you're just trying to fit in by pretending to be something you're not, like the time Peter pretended to be racist to get out of Jury duty.
Peter Griffin: [Cuts to a court room with Peter in the Jury box surrounded by only white people] Awful lotta Honkies in here.

Brian Griffin: Hey, what's the point in waiting? You gotta live life while you can, and live it hard.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, the Chris Farley method, that's good.

Stewie Griffin: Urgh, if he dies, I'm gonna have to start hanging out with The Rock again.
Dan LaFontaine: [Picture of Stewie on screen] One's a baby.
[Picture of The Rock on screen]
Dan LaFontaine: and the other's... black. I think. At least part black. Or... Hispanic, I think. You know, possibly there's some Filipino in there, yeah, possibly some Filipino. I mean if he - if he's black, it's definitely diluted. I mean one of his parents must be white. What the hell is Jessica Alba for that matter? If I were forty years younger I would plow that till next July.

Peter Griffin: Remember what I always tell you, if I come home in the middle of the day and catch you having sex with someone, I'll kill you both!

Brian Griffin: [after surgery, Brian is wearing a cone collar to prevent him from licking his stitches] I really want to chew on my crotch right now.


"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [playing Banjo and Singing] Heard her on my C.B. said her name was Mimi, sounded like an angel come to Earth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Come to Earth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] But when i went to meet her, boy you should have seen her, twice as big as me, three times the girth.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Times the Girth.
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Oh my big baby loves to eat.
Hillbilly Band: [singing] Loves to eat.
Stewie Griffin: A big old Budda belly and breasts way past her feet. Oh my big baby loves to e-e-eat, my big old fat-ass baby loves to eat.
[finishes playing]
Stewie Griffin: I've got blisters on me fingers!

Peter Griffin: Hey uh Lois, I don't get how this works. It's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
[Bird hits the outhouse, knocking it over]
Peter Griffin: Ugh! Oh God! It's everywhere! Ugh! It's in my raccoon wounds! Oh God!

Peter Griffin: I dunno, Brian, maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, too bad you always blow it in the interview.
[Peter is seen at a job interview]
Interviewer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife.
Peter Griffin: [out loud] Doing your...
[sees a picture of the interviewer's son]
Peter Griffin: son?

Meg Griffin: [opening the closet door] Someone's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin: You suck!
[slams the closet door shut]

[Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian Griffin: Enis.
Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
Brian Griffin: Anus.
[Peter laughs hysterically]

Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
[dead silence]


"Family Guy: There's Something About Paulie (#2.16)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, what are you doing lying on the couch at this hour? Have you been drinking?
Lois Griffin: Peter, you know I never drink.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Just like you never dodged the draft?
Lois Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a woman.
Peter Griffin: Sure you are. Now.

Peter's Car: Take left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you!
Peter Griffin: Boy that's getting old.

Stewie Griffin: [Upon learning that Lois is the target of a hitman] Oh dear, there are so many people to thank! God, of course, and umm... who else? Oh, this is so unexpected.
[Discreetly checks a list pulled from his pocket]
Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, SATAN!

Peter Griffin: What do you want me to do, whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.

Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get that thing taken care of.
Peter Griffin: That thing? Oh yeah, I had the doctor look at it.
[Cut to Peter at the doctor's office]
Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, that's not a growth, that's your penis.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well what about the...?
Dr. Hartman: Testicles.

Lois Griffin: Peter, how can we afford this?
Peter Griffin: Let's just say the car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: Say that again.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal.
Lois Griffin: This time without winking.
Peter Griffin: The car was a steal. Wink.


"Family Guy: Hot Shots (#15.6)" (2016)
Stewie Griffin: [when Peter accidentally smacks him] You can hit me, but I am what I am!

Peter Griffin: High-five!
[high-fives a stop light]

Brian Griffin: I can't believe you guys. Don't you realize you're contributing to a potential public health disaster by not vaccinating your child?
Lois Griffin: That's exactly the point. My child. He's my child and nothing matters more than his well-being.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, God. This is gonna be a Lois story, isn't it?
[to the camera]
Stewie Griffin: "Game of Thrones" is on. Just a reminder.

Peter Griffin: We made this mistake before. We got the other kids vaccinated, but Meg still got chicken pox.
Meg Griffin: Dad, this is acne.
Peter Griffin: Girl, you nasty.

Peter Griffin: Who's up for another game of hot breath telephone?
[whispers something in Chris' ear]
Chris Griffin: [yells] We're all gonna die!
Peter Griffin: Chris, you're supposed to whisper that to the next person.

Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, Peter! You've got measles!
Peter Griffin: Now hold on, hold on. Before we all freak out, it might just be full body herpes.
Meg Griffin: Wait, you guys. Dad might not have been vaccinated. Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico?
Peter Griffin: Nobody remembers that, Meg.


"Family Guy: Blind Ambition (#4.3)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, he's just a little mixed up.
[That man sized yellow chicken from Da Boom tackles him out of nowhere and another fight occurs between them]

God: [In the Drunken Clam, God spots a woman trying to light a cigarette] Here, baby. Let me help you with that.
Hot Chick at the Bar: [God summons a lightning bolt to light her cigarette] Wow! Thanks!
God: That's nothing. Watch this!
[God summons another lightning bolt which strikes the woman, exploding her and setting the bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ: [Jesus comes running] What?
God: Get the Escalade, we're outta here!
Tom Tucker: [Outside the burning Drunken Clam where Peter is helping Horace escape the fire] Here comes the blind hero now. Tell me sir, how were you able to summon up the courage to enter that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freakin' place was on fire?
[drops Horace]

Peter Griffin: Hey, Hey, Meg, they got a Happy Days spoof in here, but they call it Crappy Days!

Peter Griffin: [at Quahog Elementary School dressed as Gary the No-Trash Cougar] Brian, This time I think I got just the thing people'll remember me for. I am gonna stop pollution with my new, lovable character, Gary the No-Trash Cougar.
[puts headpiece on]
Peter Griffin: [Dressed as Gary the No-Trash Cougar, cocks gun and points it at kids in cafeteria who are hiding under the tables] Pick up your trash! I wanna know whose cup this is!
[fires a bullet at the ceiling]
Peter Griffin: I said, I wanna know whose cup this is!
[a girl comes out from under the table, raises her hand]
Peter Griffin: [Peter, dressed as Gary the No-Trash Cougar points the gun at the girl as he instructs her to pick up the cup]
[girl throws cop in garbage]
Peter Griffin: Thank you sweetie. See what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says: "Give a larbage, throw out your garbage!" Spread the word!
[fires several more shots at the ceiling before leaving]

Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire?

Peter Griffin: [Peter is dressed as Gary, the No-Trash Cougar] Pick up your trash!
[takes out a gun and waves it around]
Peter Griffin: Pick up your trash!
Peter Griffin: [points to a wayward cup] I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [fires two shots into the ceiling] I said, I wanna know whose cup this is!
Peter Griffin: [little girl raises her hand] Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!
[little girl picks up the cup]
Peter Griffin: Thank you, sweetie! You see what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in?
Peter Griffin: Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, "Give a lobbage - throw out your garbage"
[fires two more shots into the ceiling]


"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows?
Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death!
Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death?
Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat!
Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands!
[crashing sound, gasps and screams are heard]
Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back!
[crashing sound and groans are heard]
Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror!
Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet!
[crashing sound and screams are heard]
Woman: My baby's dead!
Peter Griffin: It's over.

[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!

Lois Griffin: Peter, are you... gay?
Peter Griffin: [in a high-pitched voice] Guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Stewie Griffin: [mumbles something inaudibly]
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: I said homosexuality is wrong.
Brian Griffin: Are you... Are you being serious right now?
Stewie Griffin: Just keep it in the bedroom, you know? I mean I'm not all in your face with my heterosexuality.
Brian Griffin: Ah, no, you are not.

Meg Griffin: So Dad's gonna be gay forever?
Lois Griffin: Possibly, Meg. We're all gonna have to get used to this and learn to accept your father for who he is.
Stewie Griffin: Great plan, Lois. Hey, here's a nutty idea. Ever read the Bible? Leviticus 18:22.
Brian Griffin: Stewie, you're judgmentally quoting Bible verses and you don't even know how to read.
Stewie Griffin: Welcome to America, Brian.

Chris Griffin: [while doing his homework] Darn it!
Peter Griffin: [comes into Chris' room] Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?
Chris Griffin: Why is math so hard?
Peter Griffin: You know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used is turning things into a word problem. For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and 28 guys at the circuit party how many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Nine with a remainder of Brent.
Chris Griffin: Oh.
Peter Griffin: [sings] Because Brent can't fit in the glory hole and that's why we all like Brent.
[raspberries twice]


"Family Guy: Fat Guy Strangler (#4.17)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, don't forget, you have your physical today at 1:00.
Peter Griffin: For the hundreth time, Lois, I won't forget. Nag nag nag. Sometimes, I think I should have married that woman I met the night of my bachelor party.
[cut to Lois helping Peter out of the bar]
Lois Griffin: Peter, I can't believe your friends just left you here. Let's get you home.
Peter Griffin: Wow, strange lady, you're so sexy. I should marry you tomorrow instead of that pain in the ass Lois.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's me.
Peter Griffin: You know what? Screw it! I am SO gonna cheat on Lois right now. I don't care if she finds out.
Lois Griffin: Peter...
Peter Griffin: You got a condom? Never mind, I got this Milky Way wrapper.

[Peter is seen taking his physical alongside Lois]
Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month!
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: What?
[Doctor pulls out the comics]
Doctor: Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[Looks at Peter]
Doctor: Now, onto you.
Peter Griffin: So, What do you think? I'm pretty healthy, huh?
Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[Opens booklet and screams]
Doctor: [Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: There's a spider in here!
[Turns to them]
Doctor: Now, here we go.
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: ...When you watch these Dean Martin celebrity roasts!
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?
Doctor: Uh, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this...
[Peter and Lois boggle their eyes]
Doctor: ... Kim 'Baasenger', 'Baysenger', 'Basenjer', 'Bay-singer'? But now, on to the cancer...
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July? Now, on to these test results... My, they're much worse than I thought.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: [Shows paper] My son got a D minus on his history test. Now, Griffin, that liver has got to come out.
[Peter and Lois gasp]
Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes now; it will get dry!
Lois Griffin: Please... Please, we can't take anymore schtick. Please just tell us: is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine. He's just really fat.

Lois Griffin: [the Doctor is examining Peter] So, Doctor, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: My Goodness! You'll be dead within a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [picks up a comic boook] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up this lifestyle of pillaging and giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month.
[to Peter]
Doctor: Now, on to you.
Peter Griffin: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, hah?
Doctor: Well, Mr.Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results.
[picks up a chart]
Doctor: AH!
[drops it]
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: There's a spider in here.
[shakes the chart, the spider crawls out]
Doctor: Now, here we go. Mr.Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: This is your driver's license, isn't? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: [picks up a video tape] - when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.
Lois Griffin: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is!
Doctor: Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim BAsinger? B-BAEsinger? B-BaesinGer? Basinger? Hm. But now, on to the cancer.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God!
Doctor: You are a cancer, right? You were born in July. Now on to these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: AH!
Doctor: My son got a D-minus on his history test. Now, Mr.Griffin, that liver's got to come out.
Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: WHAT?
Doctor: [takes a plate out of the microwave] It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...
Lois Griffin: Please... Please... We can't take anymore shtick. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?
Doctor: Oh yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Brian Griffin: Look!
[Pictures of dead fat guys on the wall]
Lois Griffin: That doesn't mean anything.
Brian Griffin: What about that dead fat guy under the bed?
Lois Griffin: Coincidence?
Brian Griffin: What about that other half-dead fat guy?
Half-Dead Fat Guy: Patrick did it.
Lois Griffin: It could be any Patrick.

Peter Griffin: Did you just say I was fat?
Doctor: Well, uh, yeah. You... you are pretty fat.
Peter Griffin: Um, okay... this is news to me.

[Peter prances into the living room wearing an outfit about ten sizes too small]
Peter Griffin: Lois, if I'm fat, then Stewie is, too, because we wear the same size onesie.


"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.

Stewie Griffin: Hey New Brian bad news. You gotta leave.
New Brian: What are you talking about? This is my home
Stewie Griffin: Nobody likes you here man
New Brian: Well I disagree I think everyone likes me
Stewie Griffin: No we don't! We don't like your cooking, your stupid karaoke nights and we especially don't like the way you hump that chair in the den
New Brian: Well Rupert seemed to like my humping
Stewie Griffin: What did you say?
New Brian: Rupert. I humped him for two hours yesterday. He just laid there and took it.
Stewie Griffin: Did he?
New Brian: Yeah and now every time you sleep with him he's gonna be thinking of me
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie stares angrily at New Brian for a beat. Cut to outside where Stewie is dragging a large bloody garbage bag to the street]

Peter Griffin: [reading from a note written by Stewie pretending to be New Brian] "And that is why I killed myself, chopped myself up and put myself in the garbage". Wow he must've had some demons.

[last lines]
Stewie Griffin: [He is sitting in the shower washing Rupert] We'll talk about it when you want to talk about it. I don't blame you. I-I don't blame you.

Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!

Peter Griffin: These guys are hilarious. They do so much funny stuff. Hey. You know what. We should try some of that stuff. Here, at home.
Cleveland: I don't know Peter. That scull and crossbones warning before show us pretty clear about not doing that.
Peter Griffin: Cleveland, shut up. I saw something on TV that I want to imitate.


"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders...
Peter Griffin: [Points at Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
[Points at another Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies.
[to Peter]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethan Hawke.
Peter Griffin: Uh,no i'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake.
Jackie Chan: [At Chris]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Ethan Hawke.
Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go get some food?
Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle.
Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy.
Jackie Chan: Yes you are!

[Sees a sumo wrestler]
Peter Griffin: Wow, you put on weight, Jackie Chan.

Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here?
Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Brian Griffin: Lois, you're in an auto parts store stealing mufflers. This is worse than that Winona Ryder thing!
Lois Griffin: Are you saying I'm a klepto?
Brian Griffin: Uh, actually, I was talking about "The Age of Innocence".
[cut to scene from The Age of Innocence]
Daniel Day-Lewis: It is settled, May. Our parents have consented and you and I are to be married on the first warm, sunny day of spring.
Winona Ryder: [woodenly] That would be *most* good, Newland. *Most* good.
Daniel Day-Lewis: [sighs, turns to crew off-camera] I'm sorry, but she is just awful. Is there any way... I mean, can we add, like, a topless scene or something?
Director: [off-screen] Uh, yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really?
Director: Yeah.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We can? Oh great! All right, we got a movie.

Brian Griffin: [dressed-up as a woman, walking up and down Lois and Peter's bedroom] Uh, I have so much to do today. I have to do laundry, then I have a piano lesson, then I have to make dinner. I'm so busy. Better hurry.
Stewie Griffin: [entering the room] Lois, I want my graham crack - -
[realizing he's talking to Brian in drag]
Stewie Griffin: Oh...
Brian Griffin: [stops walking] Hey...
Stewie Griffin: Hey... are you playing a little dress-up?
Brian Griffin: Yeah...
Stewie Griffin: Yeah... Good. It's fun to pretend. Hum... so, listen, if you see Lois, tell her...
Brian Griffin: ...Graham cracker.
Stewie Griffin: Graham cracker, yes, yes, that's... that's it. Hum... all right. So... I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and throw up about something else
[exit backwards]


"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Boys there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do. Like taking out Hitler.

Cleveland: [after falling into Spider-Man's net] Hey thanks Spider-Man.
Spider-Man: Everybody gets one, isn't that right Peter?
Peter Griffin: Yep Cleveland, apparently everybody gets one.

Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.

Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with...
[reads from the clipboard]
Peter Griffin: a hammock of cake.

Lois Griffin: Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard!
Peter Griffin: Why not? Herbert did it.
[pan to Herbert sitting at a wooden booth reading "Quahog Boys' Club: Free Popsicles and Shoulder Rubs"]
Herbert: [singing] It's fun to stay at the YMCA, it's fun to stay at the YMCA! Hmm...


"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: Damn it! You guys are ruining Thanksgiving! And it's my second favorite holiday right after Pretend Not To Notice People's Race Day!
[cut away to Peter walking into an office, approaching the secretary]
Peter Griffin: Hey, you seen Reggie around?
Secretary: Which one is Reggie?
Peter Griffin: Oh, uh, well today, he's wearing yellow pants, uh, yellow shirt, yellow hat, yellow shoes. Uh, he's got a gold tooth, uh, diamond earring, um, he's got that big necklace with the dollar sign on it. Uh, he's always grabbing his crotch whenever he's telling a story, like the one about when he found out his mother is really his grandmother.
Secretary: Could you be more specific?
Peter Griffin: Uh, well, let's see... uh, he always wears cheap cologne. Uh, drives a Mercury Cougar with a crown on the dashboard, uh, never pays his alimony, uh, he's extremely cut for a guy who never works out...
[then a bulky white man walks out wearing completely yellow attire along with diamond earring and a dollar sign necklace]
Peter Griffin: Oh, there he is. Thanks, anyway. Hey, Reggie!

Kevin Swanson: Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do, but I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought six-thousand miles away from our shores.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Better there than here where all my stuff is.
Peter Griffin: So what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with Nine-Eleven?
Kevin Swanson: Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with Nine-Eleven, and the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is, like, two-hundred Nine-Elevens!
Glenn Quagmire: So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you?

Brian Griffin: Look, I-I think you guys are rushing to judge Kevin without knowing what it was like to be in his shoes. He saw horrific things in a horrific war that only one other person here can possibly come close to understanding. Ida. She was in the military, she's seen battle, she's seen innocent people butchered by war machines and I'm sure that Ida, more than anyone else here, can understand and support the choice Kevin made.
Ida Davis: No, Brian. I do not understand Kevin's choice and I do not support it.
Brian Griffin: Okay, well, that's just some dumb drag queen.

The "Real" Kevin Swanson: [last lines, a Kevin Swanson lookalike shows up at the door] Wait! That man's an imposter! *I'm* the real Kevin Swanson!
Peter Griffin: Guys, I don't think we have time for this.

Brian Griffin: How are things?
Ida Davis: Good.
Stewie Griffin: He threw up when he found out you were a monster.


"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Lois, isn't Stewie a little young to be potty trained? You remember what happened to the Lindberg baby.
[Cut to Lindberg bathroom. Charles Jr. is sitting on the toilet]
Anne Morrow Lindbergh: Charles, do you know what you're doing?
Charles Lindberg: Honey, will you relax? I flew across the Atlantic, I'm a national treasure, for God's sake. I think I can handle...
[Charles Jr. flushes himself down the toilet]
Charles Lindberg: Oh God! Oh God!
[Calmly]
Charles Lindberg: Okay... He was kidnapped. You call the police, I'll write the ransom note.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh: [Pointing to Amelia Earhardt] What about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindberg: You leave her to me.

Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Lois Griffin: It's just my noodle kaboodle. I did use a different brand of potato chips for the crust, though.
Brian Griffin: Your culinary prowess is surpassed only by your unfailing grace and the uncommon, sometimes haunting glow of sensuality that surrounds you
Lois Griffin: Its just noodle kaboodle.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what are these hard things?
Lois Griffin: M & M's. I ran out of paprika.

Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?

Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scotsmen: Aye.


"Family Guy: Encyclopedia Griffin (#13.11)" (2015)
Mayor Adam West: You were set up too, huh?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Mayor Adam West: You realize that kid is plowing both our wives right now.

Stewie Griffin: Ugh, I can't deal with anything after I've had my after-nap coffee.
Brian Griffin: I don't think guys should have two hands on a coffee mug ever.
Stewie Griffin: What?
[sounds sexually suggestive]
Stewie Griffin: Mmmmm... Oh, yummy.
Brian Griffin: Don't do that either. Just... Just... don't do anything.

Stewie Griffin: His brain may be gone, but he's a lot of fun.

Joe Swanson: I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name
Peter Griffin: Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. There's only one name that makes sense
Glenn Quagmire: Dicks for Kids?
Peter Griffin: Dicks for Kids.
Glenn Quagmire: But wait, we want people to know we're grown-ups.
Peter Griffin: Okay. Big Dicks for Kids.
Joe Swanson: Oh, we don't want to sound too old. They're gonna think we're a bunch of old bald geezers.
Peter Griffin: Big Hairy Dicks for Kids.
Cleveland Brown: How are we going to let them know we're veiny?

Lois Griffin: Maybe it's our fault Chris has such a screwed-up idea about what a relationship is. I mean, let's be honest, we're not exactly the model of a healthy marriage.
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy, is this 'cause of the time I pushed off of you after sex and bruised your boob?


"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.

Brian Griffin: Hey, I like your dress.
Woman: Get lost, jerk. I'm here with my boyfriend.
Brian Griffin: You mean that quintessential '80's guy, with his collar turned all the way up?
Man: [With a ridiculously high collar] Hey, are you hitting on my girlfriend?
Brian Griffin: No, I was just being friendly.
Man: I can kick your ass, anywhere, anytime!
Brian Griffin: Okay, how about on top of the World Trade Center, September 11th, 2001 at 8 am?
Man: I will be there, pal. You think I'll forget, but I won't!

Brian Griffin: [to 18-year-old Lois in 1984] I would eat your poo.

Brian Griffin: Wow. 18 year old Lois. Son of a bitch.

[last lines of the episode, as the Griffins sit on the couch after Peter apparently fixed the timeline]
Lois Griffin: Wow, Peter, that's an amazing story. And I'm touched that you went through so much trouble just to be with me. Obviously, I made the right choice when I married you.
Peter Griffin: Me, too, Lois. And, hey, let's just all be grateful that things are completely back to normal again.
[Roger from "American Dad!" walks up to the Griffins]
Roger Smith: Who ate all the pecan sandies?


"Family Guy: Passenger Fatty-Seven (#15.10)" (2017)
[last lines]
Peter Griffin: Oh, and in case we didn't say it, this was SPIRIT AIRLINES.

Peter Griffin: [after getting his pupil re-drawn] Thank you Korean sweatshop animator. You've earned your nickle this week.

Peter Griffin: Excuse me, I'd just like to ask the mom behind me who told me to stop watching "Game of Thrones" on my laptop if I'm still the worst person on this plane.

Cleveland Brown: Oh, my God! Those guys in first class have guns!
Peter Griffin: Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people.

Glenn Quagmire: That's a military fighter jet! He's here to shoot us down!
Peter Griffin: Or she.


"Family Guy: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks (#2.11)" (2000)
[Peter and Meg are sitting on a bench in Central Park by the ice rink. Meg does a bird call and a pigeon flies over]
[Meanwhile, Brian skates by and executes a perfect triple axel]
Peter Griffin: Wow, that's amazing!
Brian Griffin: Oh, thanks. I roomed with Scott Hamilton in prep school. Nothing happened.

Peter Griffin: Wait a minute! I don't see any strippers handing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!

Peter Griffin: [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.

Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird: bitch.

Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!


"Family Guy: Spies Reminiscent of Us (#8.3)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: Here's my impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims.

Peter Griffin: Wow, I can't believe that we are having dinner with 2 of the 3 Ghost Busters.
Chevy Chase: I wasn't in Ghostbusters.

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Boy, who woulda thought all this trouble could be caused by simply uttering the phrase, "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet."
[Stewie saying "Gosh, that Italian family at the next table sure is quiet." triggers Meg as a "Sleeper Agent" which prompts her to put down the book she was reading on the couch, go to the phone, pick it up/dial it and speak Russian]
Russian Man: Shut up, 2476.

Brian Griffin: What are you guys doing in Quahog?
Dan Aykroyd: We are doing research for our next movie.

Peter Griffin: [Recurring line] Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims!


"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!

[discussing scenarios where abortion is acceptable]
Brian Griffin: What if it's rape?
Peter Griffin: Well she shouldn't have asked me for directions.
Brian Griffin: What?

Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt.
Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to...
[begins sniffing the air]
Brian Griffin: Lois just peed on something.
[Quagmire pops through the window]
Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that?
Brian Griffin: Yep.

Peter Griffin: I'm here to save the unborn Brian. After they're born they can go fuck themselves

[last lines]
Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
Peter Griffin: We had the abortion.


"Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons?
[thug hits him with pool stick and Peter isn't hurt]
Peter Griffin: Hey, aren't you Richard Simmons' friend, Richard Simmons?

Peter Griffin: I can't kill those kids! Then I'll have nothing to watch on Wednesdays...
Peter Griffin: [slowly rolls eyes toward camera] ... except for the fine programming on Fox.
[smiles innocently]

Lois Griffin: Peter, don't you see? As long as he's here, you can't die.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Lois Griffin: That's it.

Death: Wait, don't tell anyone I'm here. For if humanity discovers that I am no longer lurking in the shadows, the consequences will be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Death: That's it, what the hell do you see in him?

Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Death: That's it.
[to Lois]
Death: God, what do you see in him?


"Family Guy: Friends of Peter G. (#9.10)" (2011)
Brian Griffin: This sucks! I can't believe that judge is making us go to a month of AA.
Lois Griffin: You know, if you ask me, this is going to be a good thing for both of you. There's a lesson you need to learn.
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? What lesson? I don't need to go to AA. I'm a social drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stewie Griffin: Pshaw! Yeah, that's like saying rappers are really poets.

Greg: My name is Greg, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic. One fateful night, I, uh, got behind the wheel of my brand new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death on an innocent, 8-year-old girl.
Peter Griffin: What kind?
Greg: What?
Peter Griffin: What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind?
Greg: It was a Miata.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come on! That's not a sports car. H-how does that even kill a kid? What-cha what-cha do, hit her over the head with it?
Greg: That's a legitimate sports car!
Peter Griffin: No. Next!

Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting?
Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was.
Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'"

Brian Griffin: Ah, good. It's starting.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins.
[20th Century Fox logo plays]
Peter Griffin: Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox.
[map pops out from under the water on the screen]
Peter Griffin: Oh, I bet that's a sea monster.
[revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them.
[Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen]
Peter Griffin: Here we go. Movie!
["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption]
Peter Griffin: Well, now that seems intentionally misleading.
[airplane comes up on screen]
Peter Griffin: Alright, someone's coming to town!
[revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, for crying out loud!
[image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"]
Peter Griffin: Alright, a period movie.
[zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions]
Peter Griffin: Oh, not a period movie.
[guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm]
Peter Griffin: Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story.
[flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films]
Peter Griffin: Oh, COME ON!

Death: You members of the human race have the power to send a man to the moon and make Justin Long a movie star. With that kind of willpower, don't you think you can learn how to put the bottle down, just sometimes?
Peter Griffin: We did it with Justin Long, didn't we? America said no but we kept at it!


"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night, keep it down.
Jasper: Sorry, little man. Ricardo and I were playing Clue, and he got me in the bedroom with the lead pipe.

Peter Griffin: I love having visitors. Except for that time Moby Dick came to stay with us.
[Cut to the Griffin kitchen. Peter and Moby Dick are sitting across from each other]
Moby Dick: Do you have any Raisin Bran?
Peter Griffin: Uh, no. Sorry, we don't.
Moby Dick: Oh. Well, could you maybe get me some?
Peter Griffin: Oh, geez, that's kind of a pain in the... You know, we have Total, and we have some raisins. You could mix them together, that would be kind of like...
Moby Dick: Yeah, it would be like Raisin Bran, but it wouldn't really be Raisin Bran...
Peter Griffin: ...Kinda splittin' hairs here...
Moby Dick: ...Not really doing it for me.
Peter Griffin: What time did you say your flight was again?

Jasper: [exiting the terminal into the airport towards the Griffins, speaking effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [introducing his Filipino partner, Ricardo] Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker, sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
Jasper: [campily motions talking on a cellphone]
Jasper: Hello, who's that on the phone?-Temptation!... how does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you over dinner: Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend-Oo-hoh, I'm terrible!

Jasper: Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious: total kitsch, like an Andy Warhol wet-dream. I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous!
Stewie Griffin: You think it's clever talking like that, do you? You think it's funny: talking about earrings and using words like 'fabulous' and 'delicious' and 'wet'? Uch!-what's next: a workout followed by a romp around a crowded room whilst the music goes...
[makes the sound of a heavy bass beat similar to dance music, whilst Jasper and Ricardo dance in the background: they look confused when Stewie stops the beat]
Stewie Griffin: ?
Jasper: Oh, why d'you stop?

Jasper: [entering terminal with Ricardo, calling to Brian effeminately] Hey, cousin!
Brian Griffin: [hugs Jasper] Hey, Jasper!
Jasper: [motions to Ricardo, his Filipino partner] Everyone, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
Lois Griffin: How was your flight?
Jasper: [effeminate] Oh, torture! 5 hours on my moneymaker sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave: here I am in a committed relationship and all I can think about is having a piece of navy cake!
[makes telephone gesture, speaks camply]
Jasper: Hello, whose that on the phone?-Temptation! How does he always get my number?... I don't know. Anyway, I've got big news and I'll tell you all at dinner. Greek, on me, but enough about last weekend:
[laughs]
Jasper: Ooh hoh, I'm terrible!


"Family Guy: The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire (#4.5)" (2005)
[Loretta moaning in the background]
Brian Griffin: Hey do you hear that?
Peter Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Sounds like someone's screaming.
Peter Griffin: Wha... What is it boy? What are you trying to say?
Brian Griffin: It sounds like Loretta is screaming.
Peter Griffin: Trouble at the old mill?
Brian Griffin: What are you insane?
Peter Griffin: Somebody fall through the ice?
Brian Griffin: It's summer.
Peter Griffin: Bobcat?
Brian Griffin: Rarroar Roarrroaarrr
Peter Griffin: Loretta's in trouble? Come on boy!
[Brian looks down at the ground knowing he lost a bit of his dignity]

Bonnie Swanson: Somebody save him! He can't swim!
Peter Griffin: Oh he's not even kicking. Kick, Joe, kick!
Lois Griffin: Peter! He's a paraplegic!
Peter Griffin: That doesn't mean he can't hear! Kick, Joe, kick!

Peter Griffin: To the Hindenpeter!
[Peter runs out of the house; a zeppelin flies by the window, followed by an explosion]
Joe Swanson: Oh, my god!
Peter Griffin: Joe, I am so sorry!
Joe Swanson: How do you afford these things?

John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A 'B'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.

Peter Griffin: [shouts] Rock lobster!


"Family Guy: The Juice Is Loose! (#7.9)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [while on the phone] Yeah, I'm babysitting for Stewie. I babysit now because I'm growing up. I am so getting hair down there.

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter and his friends] Hey, keep it down! It's just two guys making out. Relax.

Peter Griffin: Look, Lois, what do you say we just bury the hatchet, huh? We'll stay in tonight, pop some popcorn, and watch Jimmy Kimmel try.

Brian Griffin: [to Peter about the OJ Simpson trial] Well, Peter, it's generally believed that the jury made a mistake.
Peter Griffin: You're saying all those guys in their powdery wigs and their Pilgrim hats and their big, gross wives were wrong? Man, they'd have to be stupider than you are when you fart yourself awake.
Brian Griffin: [Cutaway to Brian sleeping in the living room, then he farts and wakes up] Hello? What the... wha...? Who's there? What's going on? Whatever's happening in here, just knock it off.

Peter Griffin: [after O.J. kills three people] Oh, I guess he did do it.


"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me, I'm Mel Gibson, here for the key to my specially reserved room.
Guy: You're Mel Gibson?
Peter Griffin: Yes, I've put on a few pounds for my next role. I play Peter Griffin, a heroic warrior who defied the English to free England from the English.
Guy: Holy mackerel! Let me show you to your room, Mr. Gibson!

Chris Griffin: You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian: Ouch.

[first lines]
Peter Griffin: Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that?
Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like "Dark Angel," "Titus," "Undeclared," "Action," "That 80's Show," "Wonderfalls," "Fastlane," "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Skin," "Girls Club," "Cracking Up," "The Pits," "Firefly," "Get Real," "Freaky Links," "Wanda at Large," "Costello," "The Lone Gunmen," "A Minute With Stan Hooper," "Normal, Ohio," "Pasadena," "Harsh Realm," "Keen Eddie," "The Street," "American Embassy," "Cedric the Entertainer," "The Tick," "Louie," and "Greg the Bunny."
Lois Griffin: Is there no hope?
Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.

Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face.
[Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief]
Tom Tucker: It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah!

[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
[stops screaming]
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.


"Family Guy: Brian's Play (#11.10)" (2013)
Brian: [Stewie's given him a homemade "Official Good Dog" Badge] "Good Dog". And it's Official? I wish my Dad was alive to see this...

Brian: [catches a squirrel to take it out on] You suck! And your play sucks too!
Squirrel: This isn't about me, is it?
Brian: [cries] No. And I'm sorry. But no-one can ever know that
[kills the squirrel]

Stewie Griffin: I can't believe we're going to the theater the same day Chris drowned a mouse in a puddle. I mean, don't we need a day to clear our heads?

Stewie Griffin: [to Lois] Close your purse. I can see your tampons. And why do you need six? What happens to you?

Brian: You know, Stewie, I have seen your play and it is exhilarating to me. A child's play is one of the most beautiful things in the world. Continue to play, little one. You are our future.
Stewie Griffin: What the fuck are you talking about?


"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Stewie, if you can hear me, head for Meg's butt!
Stewie Griffin: [From the TV] Have you lost your mind?

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

Stewie Griffin: [speaking from TV] Mommy?
Lois Griffin: Stewie? Where are you?
Stewie Griffin: Look behind you, you stupid cow!

Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, get ready to laugh, get ready to laugh.
[pops head out of Meg's butt]
Peter Griffin: Gee, must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!
[laughs]

Home Supply Employee: Can I help you?
Peter Griffin: yeah, I hate my neighbor and I want to build something crazy out of spite.
Home Supply Employee: well I'll take you to our one up-man-ship aisle


"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: You know, this may not be cool, just throwing it out there, she *was* suicidal.
Death: Really?

Stewie Griffin: You call those cheap implants "boobs"? They're LIES!

Stewie Griffin: By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? They're not boobs! They're LIES!

Brian Griffin: Well, I guess that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen on a gameshow. Remember that time Mayor Adam West appeared on Jeopardy?
Alex Trebek: Alright players, the answer is, "It was the first spacecraft on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response?
[West reveals that he has written "Kebert Xela" as his answer]
Alex Trebek: Kebert Xela.
[There is a flash of light, and Trebek vanishes with a scream. The other contestants look shocked]
Mayor Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the Fifth Dimension, where he belongs.

Lois Griffin: [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk] Tonight we're going to try formula instead.
[Stewie sucks on the bottle, but immediately spits the contents out]
Stewie Griffin: Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.
[cutaway; Brian and Stewie are on the couch, when Peter enters dressed like Daisy Duke]
Peter Griffin: So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.
[Peter bends over and his shorts ride up his butt crack; Brian and Stewie cover their eyes and groan in disgust]
Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing.


"Family Guy: Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q (#10.3)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: Yeah, that guy's scarier than an Iraq Lobster.
[Peter is suddenly in the lounge. He is playing "Rock Lobster" by the B52s on a small guitar. A Lobster wearing a Turban and sporting a large beard is dancing along on the rug]
Peter Griffin: Death to America! And Butter Sauce! Don't boil me! I'm still alive! Iraq Lobster! Iraq Lobster! Iraq Lobster!

Peter Griffin: Gosh, I kinda feel like killing someone else, now. Oh, Mort!

Peter Griffin: Relax, Jeff, that's her brother!
Jeffrey Fecalman: That's how it starts!

Peter Griffin: What the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together, and just go kick his fuckin' ass?

[Two geese are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch]
Peter Griffin: That's what I thought a Portuguese was! Me and my brain! And we're just getting started!


"Family Guy: Viewer Mail #2 (#10.22)" (2012)
Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags
[throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims
[emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?

Stewie Griffin: Ah, the best part of waiting for the Queen to show up is calling Prince Charles a Wanker as he goes past. Oh, Prince Charles? You're a Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, yes, I know, yes.
Various: You're a wanker!
Various: Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, yes, well done.
Various: Wanker!
Prince Charles: Yes, quite right.

Peter Griffin: Robin Williams has a Manic Gift that gladdens the World and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention!
[Calling up to God]
Peter Griffin: How can you allow this? I wish everyone was Robin Williams!
[Struck by lightening]

Brian Griffin: A while ago we did a program called "viewer mail" where we asked for your ideas. It's been ten years and you're still sending them in...

Meg Griffin: Stewie, I want you to have my ring. It's one of my most important possessions and I want you to have it.
Stewie Griffin: RED FLAG! RED FLAG! Is anybody else seeing this?


"Family Guy: The Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: I have a confession to make, I did not like The Godfather.

Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars.
Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God!
Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter.
Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call.
Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness.
Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.

Brian Griffin: [points to Peter's panic room] Peter, what is that?
Peter Griffin: Well, I got the idea to build a panic room after I saw that movie "The Butterfly Effect". I thought, "Wow, this is terrible. I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me."

Meg Griffin: Dad! What is it? What's going on? I heard a noise. Is somebody downstairs?
Peter Griffin: [leveling her with his baseball bat] Oh, god, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.

Meg Griffin: Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck. Everybody spit on Meg!
Meg Griffin: [the family spits on her] Stop! Stop, you guys! Ah! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay. I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there.
Peter Griffin: Come on! They're not gonna touch you. You're covered with spit.
Lois Griffin: Be careful, Meg.
Meg Griffin: [Peter pushes her into the vent, followed by sounds of her falling down] Ahh! Ahh! I hate you all!


"Family Guy: Brian the Bachelor (#4.7)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I know it hurts now Brian, but look at the bright side, you have some new material for that novel you've been writing. You know, the... the novel you've been working on. You know, the... the one, uh, you been working on for three years. You know, the... the novel. Mm, got something new to write about now. You know, maybe... uh, maybe a main character gets into a relationship, suffers a little heart break. Something like uh, what... what you been, you just been through. Draw from the real life experience. Little uh, little heart break. You know... work it into the story. Make those characters a little more three dimensional. Little, uh, richer experience for the reader. Make those second hundred pages really keep the reader guessing, what's going to happen. Some twists and turns. Little epilogue, everybody learns the hero's journey isn't always a happy one.
[voice returns to normal]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I look forward to reading it.

Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.

Peter Griffin: I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago.
Peter Griffin: [laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian]

Lois Griffin: Oh my God. Peter, it looks like there's been a break-in!
Peter Griffin: [sarcastic] DUUUUUUH... Do you think so?


"Family Guy: Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date (#15.5)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: All right, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.

Chris Griffin: Taylor, this is our sister, Meg and our dog, Brian.
Taylor Swift: Nice to meet you both.
Meg Griffin: We're not all so impressed. I've met Dan Aykroyd.
Brian Griffin: I'm sorry, uh, which cast member of "Hee Haw" are you?
Stewie Griffin: [runs up to Meg and Brian and starts beating them with the tape measure] WILL YOU BE NICE?

Taylor Swift: [When Chris, Brian and Stewie appear in Taylor Swift's house] Hi, Taylor.
Taylor Swift: Chris? What are you guys doing here?
Chris Griffin: I wanted to talk to you.
Stewie Griffin: Your house is way nicer than Anne Murray's. We broke in there too.

Stewie Griffin: [to Chris] You've just gotta do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off.
Chris Griffin: Who's Taylor Swift?
Stewie Griffin: [pauses in shock] Oh my God! Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?
Chris Griffin: What is she, a singer?
Stewie Griffin: She's much more than a singer, Chris. She's... she's... she's the queen! A goddess! A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit!


"Family Guy: No Meals on Wheels (#5.14)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: [buried beneath a pile of cripples and Ben Stiller has landed] Ben Stiller, help me.
Ben Stiller: No, Peter. I've heard what you've said about my movies.
Peter Griffin: How did you hear?
Ben Stiller: [pointing at his huge ears, speaking angrily] Uh, hello!
Peter Griffin: Go to hell you mutant offspring of comedy people.

[Brian is sitting on the couch reading a book; Peter sneaks up behind him laughing and shocks him]
Brian Griffin: Ow! Damn it, Peter! Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissing me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate!
[cut to Brian and his roommate watching TV]
Woman: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
Roommate: Yes!
Brian Griffin: What the hell?
Brian Griffin, Roommate: What?
[both take out guns and aim at each other]
Brian Griffin: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

Peter Griffin: [in a cutaway when he swaps voices with Patrick Stewart] Hey, Lois. Sorry about the mess in the upstairs bathroom this morning. My post-sex pee stream forked in half last night and got everywhere.

Peter Griffin: Joe, I thought you were bringing all your cops buddies here. What are all these parallelograms doing here?
Joe Swanson: Peter, they're paraplegics.


"Family Guy: Padre de Familia (#6.6)" (2007)
Brian Griffin: Peter you didn't even know what 9/11 was until 2004.
Peter Griffin: That's not true Brian. I remember 9/11.
[Flashback to Lois watching 9/11 news footage. Peter walks by]
Peter Griffin: 'Eh must have been a woman pilot huh?

Peter Griffin: Now your talking Angela, this country needs more immigrants like my cousin Peter the Pig a new house
[Goes to a straw house, Big Bad Wolf Blows on the house]
Peter the Pig: ah I wouldn't do that if I were you
Big Bad wolf: What?
Peter the Pig: I said I wouldn't do that
[He carries on anyway]
Peter the Pig: I said knock it of.
Big Bad wolf: why?
Peter the Pig: Because I made stool in there & if you blow it down the whole woods is gonna stink. do you understand, do you understand me sir.

Carter: What's going on here?
Peter Griffin: We're taking what's ours! Actually, we're taking what's yours, but we don't think you deserve it, so we're calling it ours and taking it!

Immigration Officer: Complete this sentence: The land of the free and the home of the blank.
Peter Griffin: Home of the Whopper?


"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): [makes a growling noise, then spits] Always gargle before I travel. Wakka Wakka! Ok, let's go.

Brian Griffin (Chewbacca): We could always light some candles and read.
Peter (Han Solo): [everyone laughs] HAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

Peter Griffin: This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons, and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights. This is the story of Star Wars. Let's begin with part four.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.


"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
Lois Griffin: A chair.
Stewie Griffin: My own feces.
Richard Dawson: A popular fruit.
Lois Griffin: Orange.
Stewie Griffin: Clay Aiken.
Richard Dawson: Something in your closet.
Lois Griffin: Shoes.
Stewie Griffin: Scary monsters.
Richard Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
Lois Griffin: Christmas.
Stewie Griffin: 9/11.
Richard Dawson: And something you do on the weekends.
Lois Griffin: Go to church.
Stewie Griffin: Black guys.

Peter Griffin: [Reading blurbs on the box to 'Pretty Woman] This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches. So, I went to the doctor and got myself checked out. I'm currently waiting results- Gene Siskel

[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!

Peter Griffin: We have 3 boys for Family Fued.
Meg Griffin: But I'm not a...
Peter Griffin: Shutup Greg.


"Family Guy: Chap Stewie (#12.21)" (2014)
Brian Griffin: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
Stewie Griffin: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV.
[his face turns red as he starts crying]
Stewie Griffin: I want to watch my show!

Stewie Griffin: [to Peter who wants to play "Unga Bunga" in the living room with Chris] Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at four dollars!

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois] She is cameltoeing the hell out of that leotard.

Nigel: Sir, it's 6 P.M., and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo.
Stewie Griffin: Nigel, yesterday I saw you smile. Is that something I need to bring up with my father?
Nigel: I was just imagining my own death, sir.


"Family Guy: A Lot Going on Upstairs (#14.15)" (2016)
Brian Griffin: Stewie, you look exhausted.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I was up superlate last night beefing your mom.
Brian Griffin: My mom's dead.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, 'cause I *beefed* her to death!

[last lines]
Stewie Griffin: There's a wedding dress out here covered in shit.

Brian Griffin: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna help you get these nightmares under control.
Stewie Griffin: Really? Oh thank you, Brian. And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession with eating pencil erasers.
Brian Griffin: It's not an obsession!
[chews off a pencil eraser]
Brian Griffin: Mmm, mmm, oh yeah... So rubbery. It's like a little steak!
Stewie Griffin: Brian, you really should...
Brian Griffin: THE WORLD IS SMALL AND SAFE WHEN I DO THIS!

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie wants Brian to enter his dreams to help him get rid of his nightmares] Brian, I want you to come inside me.
Brian Griffin: Don't ever say it like that again.


"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Hey! Do you have any idea what time it is? Get in the house, fatty!

Stewie Griffin: Can we stop by the grocery store? I want a granny smith apple.

Lois Griffin: Look, Stewie, a note. You know, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris' pocket. She's more respectful than that.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plow you.


"Family Guy: High School English (#15.7)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: But first, I want to see if we are in the "funny horn" era.
[he presses the horn and is overjoyed]
Peter Griffin: AHA! We are!

[last lines]
Stewie Griffin: All right, so the B & B will have a rack of single gear bikes for every guest, and yes of course next to that is going to be the big giant rabbit hatch. Bye-bye, Lenny.
[shoots Chris]
Stewie Griffin: Good night, kids. Good luck with those book reports.

Chris Griffin: [During Of Mice and Men] While you're gone can I touch myself?
Stewie Griffin: Again, you don't have to schedule that with me.

Peter Griffin: [During The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn] Hey, what if it's spelled with an 'a' at that end of it. Is that ok?


"Family Guy: McStroke (#6.8)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome.
Brian Griffin: I think it's gay.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!
Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.

Stewie Griffin: [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school] Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Brian Griffin: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Stewie Griffin: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point?
Brian Griffin: Ah, I've heard about that place.
Stewie Griffin: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea.
Brian Griffin: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that.
Stewie Griffin: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.

Peter Griffin: [Peter and Brian are inside a slaughterhouse] My God! What is this?
Brian Griffin: This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
The Cow: Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it DaCow.
Peter Griffin: DaCow?
The Cow: DaCow. Except we spell the chau part C-O-W, like cow. So it's kind of, uh... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke. That's, that's really funny.

Peter Griffin: [Looking for a remedy, Peter limps along the street with half his body sagging after a stroke and comes across a stem cell lab with a sign reading "walk-ins welcome". Peter limps inside and some time later, Peter walks out 100% again, asking the guard] How long was I in there?
Guard: About five minutes.
Peter Griffin: [astounded] *Why* are we not *funding* this?


"Family Guy: Jungle Love (#4.13)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Do the women there have exposed clitterati?

Peter Griffin: Hey Pesci, here's a nickel. Say Yugoslavia.
Joe Pesci: Yugoslavia!

Brian Griffin: Cut. Print. Gay.

Paul Reiser: [Peter watches Paul Reiser do stand-up] What's the deal with airline food? I mean, is this stuff bad or what?
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's not nice. Those chefs work really hard.
Paul Reiser: And what's with those Starbucks, huh? They're everywhere!
Peter Griffin: Uh, a lot of people want coffee. It's supply and demand; it's the foundation of our entire economy, Paul.
Paul Reiser: And who do I talk to about those long lines at the ATM? That's what I wanna know!
Peter Griffin: [stands up] Uh, not me, Mr. Reiser - someone who has time to fritter away, but not me.
[walks out]


"Family Guy: Brian & Stewie (#8.17)" (2010)
Stewie Griffin: You even cried after Columbine.
Brian Griffin: Because that was a national tragedy.
Stewie Griffin: Ehh... it was kind of a regional tragedy.

Stewie Griffin: I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Brian Griffin: Well I... I love you, too, Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

Stewie Griffin: Brian?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: I just realized something. Tomorrow is Sunday.
Brian Griffin: [looks up] fuck!
[censored]

[having convinced Brian to eat the poop from his diaper, Stewie throws up in disgust watching him]
Stewie Griffin: Got some dessert for you.
Brian Griffin: You gotta be kidding me.
Stewie Griffin: Come on, it's throw up. You like throw up.
Brian Griffin: I do. I do like throw up.


"Family Guy: Road to the Multiverse (#8.1)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it?
Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis.
Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and...
[Brian rings the doorbell]
Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmypalseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything!
[opens the door]
Dog Peter: Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Heh.
Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington.
Stewie Griffin: Aw.
Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?

[they appear in the live-action universe]
Stewie Griffin: Uhh, Brian? This feels weird...
Brian Griffin: Hit the button!

Stewie Griffin: [sighs as human Brian walks off at the end] "Ah, look at him go. Free in a world of his own kind, where he finally reach the full pent-OH MY GOD HE GOT HIT BY A CAR!
[tires screech off-screen, followed by an audible THUD]
Stewie Griffin: "

Stewie Griffin: Oh, God, let's go, quick! Here comes an overweight cat with dollar signs for eyes and a hat that says "Social Security" pouring a bucket that says "Alternative Minimum Tax" over a sad Statue of Liberty holding a "Democracy" umbrella!


"The Cleveland Show: BFFs (#3.1)" (2011)
Cleveland Brown: Peter, why didn't you call me when you were in town last week?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, uh, my phone died of AIDS.
Cleveland Brown: AIDS is no longer a death sentence.

Cleveland Brown: [to Peter] But I thought we were friends.
Peter Griffin: We were neighbors and drinking buddies. We weren't friends.

Cleveland Brown: [when Peter comes to rescue Cleveland and his friends] Thanks, Peter. How did you know we were here?
Peter Griffin: Well, I felt bad after you left Quahog, so I called your house. Your wife said you were doing a friendship thing in the woods and I immediately thought, "Well, this is going to end in hillbilly rape", so I tracked you down and here I am.
Cleveland Brown: But I thought you didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Peter Griffin: Well, as soon as you left, I started really intense psychotherapy with that gay guy in town who has like a thousand jobs.
Cleveland Brown: They once said his name was Bruce.
Peter Griffin: Right. So, apparently, I have abandonment issues stemming from my relationship with my father, blah, blah, blah, ticking time bomb, so I pushed you away before you could do it to me.
Cleveland Brown: But I would never do that. We're BFFs.
[he and Peter show each other their lip tattoos]
Peter Griffin: I'm sorry, Cleveland. You're my friend. You always have been. And I know deep down in my heart, I still love you.
[Cleveland starts crying]

Peter Griffin: See, Cleveland, that's the difference between our two shows. On our show, we would have shown the rape and had a show tune about the rape.
Cleveland Brown: And I would have just been the black guy.


"Family Guy: Baby Not on Board (#7.4)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.

Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS.
Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.
Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq?
Brian Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time?
Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis.
Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

Peter Griffin: Hey there, Crashy. Whatcha doin' down there?

Stewie Griffin: Mummy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!


"Family Guy: Business Guy (#8.9)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you?

Dr. Gregory House: House.
Peter Griffin: Road House.
Dr. Gregory House: That too.

Peter Griffin: That fart that I have for three... can you push that up to now?

Peter Griffin: [in a meeting with the Pewterschmidt Industries executives] You're all fired.
[the execs all gasp in shock]
Peter Griffin: Now that I have your attention, you're all fired.


"Family Guy: Stewie Kills Lois (#6.4)" (2007)
Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise.
Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing?
Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there.
Ship's Captain: You're disgusting!
Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.

Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois?
Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic.
Peter Griffin: What girl?
Lois Griffin: The *lead* in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio.
Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Lois Griffin: No it wasn't!
Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.

Lois Griffin: Stewie? What are you doing here?
Stewie Griffin: [points a gun at Lois] Oh there is a very simple answer to that. You drove me here, with all indignity you force me to suffer for all these years!
Lois Griffin: Wha? What are you doing with a gun?
Stewie Griffin: Something I should have done a very long time ago!
[Stewie shoots Lois]

Stewie Griffin: I got a headache. Do you have any Anacin?
Brian Griffin: Any what? Anacin?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah Anacin.
Brian Griffin: Do they even make Anacin anymore?
Stewie Griffin: Yeah it's still around. Why?
Brian Griffin: No. It just seems like sort of a '70s medication.


"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
[last lines]
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]

Stewie Griffin: [to Brian] Oh come on, plenty of people cheat!
[cut to Ashley Simpson about to sing, deep voiced soul song comes on, Ashley Simpson panics and jigs off the stange]

Lois Griffin: Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
Peter Griffin: Ah, what's the point? You know, I thought I could help people out with this whole A-Team thing, but it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson. It's like, "Yeah, she's naked, but who gives a shit?"

Stewie Griffin: [after making Brian smell his armpit] Tell me that's not Epic!


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Quagmire (#12.3)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: Wow, I can't believe that the guy at the front desk with the facial tattoos and the pony tail would let this go on!

Stewie Griffin: What are you doing?
Brian Griffin: Ah, yes, I've been using Rupert as a chew toy.
Stewie Griffin: Chewing him with your crotch?
Brian Griffin: Dogs hump stuffed animals, what's the big deal? You said I could have Rupert, now.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I've changed my mind. And by the way, Rupert's a Dude you big Gaylord!

Stewie Griffin: Oh Rupert! This time it's forever! I hope Oscar didn't take it too hard, though.
[Cut to attic. Oscar has apparently painted a huge canvas of Stewie's face and then hung himself in front of it]

Ryan: [At "Ryan's Hawaiians"] How about you, Big Island? Want to try one?
[Wraps Peter in a Hawaiian Shirt]
Peter Griffin: Wow! Heart Disease looks beautiful wrapped in a floral pattern!


"Family Guy: The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (#5.11)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe?
Joe Swanson: Don't say it Peter.
Peter Griffin: No I was just wondering...
Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to god.
Peter Griffin: What's your handicap?
Joe Swanson: [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.

Stewie: My tanning days are over, Brian. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.
Brian Griffin: I'm not so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before.
Stewie: What the devil! What is that?
Brian Griffin: I don't know, you were burned pretty badly, it could be the "C" word.
Stewie: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Brian Griffin: I mean cancer.
Stewie: Oh, I thought you meant... its not important. Oh, no, cancer!

[Stewie and Brian are ball room dancing]
Stewie: [whispering] I love you.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie: I said olive juice?
Brian Griffin: Olive juice?
Stewie: [whispering] I olive juice you too.

Chris Griffin: Dad, you can't hit him!
Randy Fulcher: Yeah. I have M.S.
Peter Griffin: You hear that, son? He has monkey scrotum and is bragging about it.


"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
[flashback]
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
[stutters]
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
[flashback]
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]

Peter Griffin: [Spying Lois from outside to the restourant with binoculars] What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore?
[He looks at Peter]
Quagmire: Oh, know you, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dyalipsis? As in my fantasy? Oh, you know what? Let's start over, Hi! I'm Quagmire!
[He reaches his hand to Peter]

Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me...
[starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]

Peter Griffin: Wow, it'll be just like that show "Big Brother", only with someone watching.


"Family Guy: Pilling Them Softly (#14.1)" (2015)
Stewie Griffin: Hey. Guess where I have a crayon.

[last lines]
Glenn Quagmire: You know what? Let's end this for good.
Peter Griffin: How?
Glenn Quagmire: The same way Paula Deen got her cooking show taken off the air. By saying the one word you can't come back from.
Peter Griffin: What? Say the word? RIGHT NOW?
Glenn Quagmire: Yeah. Together. Ready?
Peter Griffin: You bet.
Glenn Quagmire, Peter Griffin: [they open their mouths and is just about to say it]
Cleveland Brown: [irritated] You could have just quit the show.

Stewie Griffin: Excuse me Brian, I'm just going to go ahead and wet my eyes.
[blinks very slowly, making a creaking sound]
Stewie Griffin: Ah, there we go.


"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello?
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right?
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.

Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?

Lois Griffin: Brian tried to have sex with me last night.
Peter Griffin: Was he bigger than me?


"Family Guy: Mr. Saturday Knight (#3.9)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [dressed up like female prostitute] Looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! Peter, get in the car!
Peter Griffin: But it will cost you. What do you want? A Cleveland Steamer?
Lois Griffin: I said get in the car! What's a Cleveland Steamer?
Brian Griffin: It means that he'll...
[gets interrupted]
Peter Griffin: Be cool.

The Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

Black Knight: You see that kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Peter Griffin: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off, he got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it!
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Well actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle.
[pause]
Peter Griffin: But after today, only half the people who've called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!


"Family Guy: The New Adventures of Old Tom (#14.18)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.

Jerome: So, Peter... Where are your boyfriends tonight?
Peter Griffin: I don't know, where are *yours*?
Jerome: What the FUCK did you just say?

Stewie Griffin: I swallowed a dime once - became a manhole cover for like 3 days and suddenly, POW!


"Family Guy: Tea Peter (#10.21)" (2012)
Peter Griffin: Carter? Oh hey. You're involved with the Tea Party? Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about: that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, he kinda is.

Stewie Griffin: Not to alarm anyone but a guy took me into the closet to try me on. I fit by the way.

Glenn Quagmire: Hey you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
Peter Griffin: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.


"Family Guy: A Shot in the Dark (#14.9)" (2015)
Lois Griffin: Peter, where are you? Peter! Okay, I'm starting The Good Wife without you!
Peter Griffin: Whew! Heh, unlike you I just dodged a bullet.

Carter Pewterschmidt: But don't worry. I'm gonna get you out of this! I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and watch them do it to one of my own!
Peter Griffin: What, you mean your family?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Huh? Oh yeah, yeah. Right.

[last lines]
Cleveland Brown, Jr.: Mr. Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Cleveland Brown, Jr.: Just so you know, I'm going to be coming for your ass.
Peter Griffin: What... What's that now?
Cleveland Brown, Jr.: I'm saying it's on! You ever feel the cold steel of a switchblade pressed against your temple?
[laughing]
Cleveland Brown, Jr.: Hey, Mr. Griffin, I'm just kidding! Or am I? You're gonna wonder about THAT, you fat bitch. See ya later!


"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bitch! You got jacked, bitch!

Brian Griffin: I'll be in the basement.
Lois Griffin: Doing what?
Brian Griffin: Whaddaya think?

Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, I've got one. Black or handicapped?


"Family Guy: The Book of Joe (#13.2)" (2014)
Stewie Griffin: Brian, why does everything you touch turn to trash?

Brian Griffin: You know, in case any of you want to, uh, come cheer us on, Chloe and I are doing the Quahog Marathon in a couple weeks.
Lois Griffin: A marathon? Bu-but what if that sexy boy has another bomb?

Joe Swanson: [about the book he's writing] It's called "The Hopeful Squirrel". It's about a handicapped squirrel who has to learn to overcome his disability so he can survive in the wild. As you can imagine, it's very personal to me.
Peter Griffin: Were... were you once a squirrel?
Joe Swanson: No, Peter. I'm handicapped.


"Family Guy: Back to the Woods (#6.9)" (2008)
[Peter and his friends have heard about an upcoming Barry Manilow concert]
Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.
[long pause]
Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!

David Letterman: Welcome back to the program, ladies and gentlemen. Now please welcome out next guest Mr.James Woods.
[Peter shows up in a suit]
David Letterman: Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
Peter Griffin: [shows Dave his cards] Oh I believe I am. Driver's licence. Social Security. American Master Card.
James Woods: What the hell is he doing?
David Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. Now let me understand what are you here to promote James?
Peter Griffin: Well Dave I have a hilarious new comedy coming out on HBO next month. It's all about 9/11. The movie's called September 11 Two thousand Fun.
[Audience gasps]
James Woods: No. No. No. No. No.
David Letterman: James that sounds unbeliveably offensive to Americans.
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard what the movie's all about. I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center and then I turn around to get off the scaffold and what do I see coming, a plane. And I go 'Come on'. You it's real old style comedy. It's like two pies in the face and one in the field of Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James, I don't want to hear anymore about this.
Peter Griffin: And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
James Woods: What, I would never work with David Spade. That dwarf, that skinny chicken shit.

Peter Griffin: [Peter reads in the paper that the guy who rented Garden State ahead of him, like he wanted to, watched it and then lost the will to live] It could have been me!


"Family Guy: Peter, Chris & Brian (#14.5)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: Apologies for being so tardy.
Peter Griffin: Aaw Chris you are not tardy, we tested you twice.

Peter Griffin: Backdoor Sluts 4... Eh I haven't seen the first 3, I wouldn't know what's going on.

Chris Griffin: Why are you hocking tater-tots at a baby panda?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm oddly attracted to him and it frightens me.


"Family Guy: Halloween on Spooner Street (#9.4)" (2010)
Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?

Stewie Griffin: I was bit by a vampire, so I'm a vampire duck. But I'm a modern vampire duck who drives around with Anna Paquin in a black Mercedes.
Brian Griffin: What is that?
Stewie Griffin: It's True Blood.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, no one knows what that is.
Stewie Griffin: Rich gay people do.

Stewie Griffin: Brian, you took me out on my first Halloween tonight, and you showed me an exciting time. And for that, I'm going to let you pick out some candy from my bag.
Brian Griffin: Oh, thanks.
Stewie Griffin: And keep in mind we can't use any brand names, due to advertising concerns.
Brian Griffin: Right, okay, I'll have a Mr. Wiffle bar, a Kooky Nut Pop, some Gyminyms, uh a Zip-Zap, a Choco-Buddy, uh, a $64000 Bar, a Not-A-Finger, and a Dawkins Peanut Butter Disk.
Stewie Griffin: God, I hate television.


"Family Guy: Tales of a Third Grade Nothing (#7.6)" (2008)
Tom Tucker: And now Peter Griffin. Peter, your word is "lesbians". "Lesbians".
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping."
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a dirty sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping for double-sided marital aids."
Peter Griffin: Umm, ah. Oh. Wow.
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Could you use it in a libellous sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians."
Peter Griffin: L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.

Peter Griffin: Oh my god, who the hell cares?

Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm back to repeat the third grade. The first time I was here we had this teacher, Mrs Wilson. But we called her Mrs Killson because she had an abortion. Anyway, I guess I should sit down now Mrs...?
Mrs. Wilson: Wilson. Thank you, Peter, why don't you sit next to Omar.


"Family Guy: Extra Large Medium (#8.12)" (2010)
Stewie Griffin: Hey Chris, did you know your bacne spells 'Citibank' in braille?

Peter Griffin: I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress.
[Peter goes into a trance]
Peter Griffin: Hi everybody it's me Lou Costello! Alright, what's the name of the guy we're looking for?
Joe Swanson: Well, he's an Asian fellow, Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: That's what I want to find out.
Joe Swanson: What?
Peter Griffin: The name of the guy.
Joe Swanson: Melvin Hu.
Peter Griffin: Are you a cop?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: You handling this case?
Joe Swanson: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: Then what's the name of the guy?
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy we're looking for.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy who's buried.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: The guy with the bomb.
Joe Swanson: Hu!
Peter Griffin: What street does he live on?
Joe Swanson: First.
Peter Griffin: [Explosion in the background. Melvin Hu's severed leg and rubble fall in front of Joe and Peter] Yeah, I'm not psychic.

[Joe has enlisted the "Psychic" Peter to help in an investigation]
Joe Swanson: All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb...
Peter Griffin: [shushes Joe] Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. Does he have a wife?
Joe Swanson: Uh, yeah.
[an attractive woman walks up and Peter begins fondling her breasts and hips]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[She walks away]
Peter Griffin: It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter?
[the daughter, a fat, unattractive teenager walks up]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter?
Joe Swanson: Well, yes, but she's only twelve.
Peter Griffin: Okay. Like a young twelve or, like a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" twelve? Which is a real thing, by the way.


"Family Guy: Ratings Guy (#11.2)" (2012)
Peter Griffin: J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possible can understand. What do you got?
J.J. Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern-European town.
Peter Griffin: Totally confused. Do it.

Peter Griffin: Okay. Mark Burnett, you did "Survivor" and "The Apprentice". Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiving things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money?
Mark Burnett: I got some ideas. Here's a nickel. Pull down your pants.
[Peter pulls down his pants]
Mark Burnett: There's a show.
Peter Griffin: Ah-ha! Go!

Peter Griffin: Okay. Dick Wolf, make the same "Law & Order" six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? 'Cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner.
Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner?
Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes.


"Family Guy: Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure (#13.7)" (2015)
Stewie Griffin: And Italians before pasta.
[the Italians make "Ey!" sounds and say some random words]
Stewie Griffin: They were always a ridiculous people.
Tony Sirico: Hey, Family Guy. You're lucky I got a manicotti in the oven, or I'd bash your head into a bolognese! That's two kinds of food. That's how angry I am!

Chris Griffin: Screw you, Stewie. You are a jerk! And I'm gonna win that bowling tournament, with or without you!
Stewie Griffin: What does he... What? He doesn't even know what we're preparing him for!

Stewie Griffin: All right, let's split up. I'll go search in first class, you go down to steerage and wait for the gross angry Italians.
Tony Sirico: [referring back to how they also made fun of Italians earlier in the episode] That's TWO!


"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!

Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago?
Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her.
Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there.
Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here?
Consuela: I wait for rain to stop.
Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home.
Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay.
Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night.
Consuela: Uh... I stay here?
Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that.
Consuela: I stay here.

Brian Griffin: OK, so no leads then?
Consuela: Oh no, no. Doggie out!
Brian Griffin: What?
Consuela: Out. Afuera!
Brian Griffin: What? I live here.
Consuela: No no, afuera!
Brian Griffin: Look, I'm just trying to... owww!
Consuela: Hola?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, could you please put Brian back on?
Consuela: No, noooh. D-doggie afuera.
Stewie Griffin: You're the new housekeeper, aren't you?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh listen, I don't mean to point any fingers. But I'm missing about a thousand dollars in play money.
Consuela: I take.
Stewie Griffin: Wh-what? You took it?
Consuela: Si.
Stewie Griffin: Well, give it back!
Consuela: Come get, bitch!


"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.

Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.

Stewie Griffin: I won't sing.
Dutch Child: You must sing, or else they'll make you do a Christmas movie with Tim Allen.


"Family Guy: Farmer Guy (#11.20)" (2013)
Jodie Sweetin: Hey are you guys in there? Peter I need a taste.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god it's Jodie Sweetin. Quick everyone lie on the floor.
Jodie Sweetin: Peter come on. I've got Maureen McCormick with me. She'll let you finish anywhere.
Peter Griffin: Okay everyone hide upstairs. Daddy is going to take care of this.

Peter Griffin: [Speaking to his family] Well you guys we did it. We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and the rest of the place applauding them.

Stewie Griffin: [while being held by Brian who's pointing a gun at Stewie's head] Ok, I am at full candy corn right now.


"Family Guy: Lois Kills Stewie (#6.5)" (2007)
[Stan Smith and Avery Bullock from "American Dad!" confront Brian and Stewie after Stewie gains control of the world's power grid]
Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe.
Stan Smith: What? It's Stan.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say.
[Realizing they have no choice, Stan and Bullock lower their guns]
Avery Bullock: What are your demands?

[Peter has just killed Stewie]
Peter Griffin: It's just been revoked!
Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I'll have what she's having!
Brian Griffin: That's... better?

[Stewie has just finished singing]
Simon Cowell: Stewie, what the hell was that?
Stewie Griffin: That was, uh, "Lost in Your Eyes" by Debbie Gibson.
Simon Cowell: One of the worst I've ever heard.
Stewie Griffin: Okay.
Simon Cowell: Stewie, you shouldn't actually be alive you sniveling little creep. I hate you so much I want to shoot you in your face.
Stewie Griffin: All right.
Paula Abdul: Honey, I liked you but you're just not right for *this* competition.
Randy Jackson: Yo, dawg I gotta tell you from me man. That was not even half good dude. You can't sing. What are you doing, Stewie?
[cut to Stewie leaving in tears]
Stewie Griffin: I don't even care! They don't know what they's talkin' about! Next time they hears about me they's gonna be like, "We was wrong about Stewie!" Cause I's gonna be huge! I's gonna be bigger than every one of all y'alls!


Family Guy: Back to the Multiverse (2012) (VG)
Brian Griffin: I don't care, I didn't feel it.

Brian Griffin: [after being shot] Ow, right in the sack.

Brian Griffin: [after collecting some ammo] Sweet Mary, Mother of God, jackpot!


"Family Guy: April in Quahog (#8.16)" (2010)
Brian Griffin: Stewie, can you please move? You're blocking the TV.
Stewie Griffin: No! And I'll thank you to quiet down, I'm playing action figures. "Prepare to be bested on the battlefield, Lion-O". "Oh, I don't think so, He-Man... Ow!". "Oh, I'm sorry, did I punch you too hard?". "Yes, I suppose you don't know your own strength; I mean, look at your muscles!". "Oh, stop! You're the one with the sick abs". "God, my mouth is watering just looking at you". Yeah, that's right... you buy your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then asked what happened? Yup. Your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that to your god...

Peter Griffin: So what do we got? Pancakes? Cool. What's on tap for school today, kids?
Meg Griffin: Shut up, dad.
Peter Griffin: Whatever.

Peter Griffin: Morning, assholes!


"Family Guy: Ready, Willing and Disabled (#3.15)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out.

Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief?
Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.
Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?
Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.

Peter Griffin: Tom Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson, and I demand commercial endorsements, and a TV movie based on me staring Valerie BertandErnie.


"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [driving in his new phallic car when he pulls next to someone] Hey! Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage, does your garage say, "Is it, is it in yet?"
[keeps driving, approaches tunnel]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry baby. I'll be gentle.
[after going in and out numerous times, Peter gets hit head-on by a truck, making the car short, and then gets laughed at by supermodels going by on a bus]
Peter Griffin: Ow. My pride.

[Meg is excited about being accepted to the flag girl squad]
Stewie Griffin: Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
[Stewie and Brian snicker with suppressed laughter]

Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am
[inhales cigarette]
Stewie Griffin: and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.
[transparent Stewie clone #1]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!
[Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!


"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian.
Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title.
Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it?
Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love.
Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard.
Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country.
Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle!
Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film?
Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels!
Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father.
Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels!
[she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing]
Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway!
Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!

[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!

Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent.
Jillian: Is that true?
Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true.
Jillian: Why didn't you say anything?
Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to...
Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me?
Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no.
Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid!
Brian Griffin: Really?
Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through!
[Jillian grabs her clothes and leaves]
Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait!
[Door slams]
Brian Griffin: Damn it!
Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning.
[Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see.
[the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]


"Family Guy: Secondhand Spoke (#12.15)" (2014)
Stewie Griffin: [When Brian was texting while driving] You know, that was a stroller, not a speed bump.

Stewie Griffin: [to Chris] You know, the way those kids were picking on you today in school. You really got to stand up for yourself.
Chris Griffin: Stewie, it's not so easy. What would you say if I said, "Hey there, shorty"?
Stewie Griffin: I'd say, "Have another doughnut, you albino gorilla."
Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a sister as well.

Peter Griffin: Well, I finally quit smoking and I'm ready to go back to normal!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's not how it works. The damage you've done is irreversible.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, Lois is right. As bad as you look, the damage you've done to your heart and your lungs is no doubt exponentially worse.
Peter Griffin: What? Well, try cutting to the outside of the house over some music. That usually works.
[Scene cuts away to the outside of house and then back inside with Peter still looking bad]
Peter Griffin: Fuck!


"Family Guy: Peter-assment (#8.14)" (2010)
[Stewie and Brian at home, after the former's stage fright and wetting himself incident during a school play earlier in the day]
Brian Griffin: So, had a little trouble up there on stage, huh?
Stewie Griffin: What do you mean?
Brian Griffin: I mean crying and wetting yourself, you looked ridiculous.
Stewie Griffin: You know what? I'm gonna buy a cake when you're dead.

Reginald New York Knickerbocker [Peter Griffin in disguise]: mmm, what a wonderful dinner.
Angela: Would you like some dessert?
Reginald New York Knickerbocker [Peter Griffin in disguise]: Did you bake a pie?
Angela: [in a sexually aroused tone] Well, there is a pie. It's been baking since I met you.
Reginald New York Knickerbocker [Peter Griffin in disguise]: ermmmmmmm, gross.

[while Peter is video-recording Stewie's school play performance, he notices Richard Dreyfuss in the viewfinder]
Peter Griffin: Oh, no way. Hey Chris look! Is that Richard Dreyfuss?
Richard Dreyfuss: Oh, for crying out loud.
[Richard gets up to leave while Peter continues to record and badger him]
Peter Griffin: Hey Dreyfuss, where you going? Get back here. Dreyfuss, what are you doing here in Quahog?
Richard Dreyfuss: My nephew's in the play. God, can't you go anywhere these days without these damn paparazzi?
Peter Griffin: Where you going? Oh, you going to the bathroom? You going to have a close encounter of the turd kind? Hey, I think you're gonna need a bigger boat!


"Family Guy: Yug Ylimaf (#11.4)" (2012)
Stewie Griffin: Trust me you can do it. You're so talented in so many ways.
Brian Griffin: [Tail wagging] Like what?
Stewie Griffin: Just, well, write down however you think you're talented and I'll sign it.

Peter Griffin: [Speaking to Stewie as he's brought home from the hospital] Well it's up to you buddy. Save this marriage.

Brian Griffin: [Looking at Stewie's notebook] Come on math, you dick.


"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Brian Griffin: [Brian is lying on the floor, after being severely beaten by Chris] OK someone needs to help me here.
[Stewie approaches Brian, as he lays on the floor, and kicks him]

Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?
Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".

Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.


"Family Guy: The Father, the Son and the Holy Fonz (#4.18)" (2005)
Brian Griffin: Oh that's very Christian. Believe what I say or I'll hurt you.
Francis Griffin: Now you're getting it!
[Peter's Dad hits Brian with a Bible]

Peter Griffin: Please rise. Now sit on it.
[everyone sits]
Peter Griffin: May the Fonz be with you.
People In Church: And also with you.
Peter Griffin: Let us ayyy.
People In Church: Ayyyy.
Peter Griffin: And now a reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos.


"Family Guy: Guy, Robot (#14.3)" (2015)
Brian Griffin: [reading off Twitter] "I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex And The City." Was it a rerun on basic cable? Because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you're confused.
Stewie Griffin: Hmm. That's interesting, Brian. A girl named Ioah asked me the same question. You know what I did? I flew her out here and fucked her in the face!

Peter Griffin: We act like we didn't take a lot from the Simpsons. We took a lot from the Simpsons.


"Family Guy: Papa Has a Rollin' Son (#14.2)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: I cry like Snoopy!

Peter Griffin: Come on Joe, don't be so negative. You're like a Boston fortune cookie.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter opening a fortune cookie] "I don't know, numbnuts. Maybe open a garage and fill it with hockey equipment." Huh. Well, let's see what my lucky numbers are. "Screw you, math dick." Well, that wasn't very helpful at all!


"Family Guy: Jerome Is the New Black (#8.7)" (2009)
Glen Quagmire: You wanna maybe just go?
Brian Griffin: Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to try hard?
Brian Griffin: Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!

Peter Griffin: Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty!
Man #1: [cut to a man in his house, holding a York peppermint patty]
Man #1: When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation...
[he bites into the patty. Cut to him standing on a mountain]
Man #1: OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!
[cut to the man, still on the mountain, writing in a diary]
Man #1: It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York peppermint patty, and still I have made no progress in finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York peppermint patty, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.
[another man appears, holding a York peppermint patty]
Man #2: ...OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!
[the first man punches the second and takes a bite out of his leg]


"Family Guy: Take a Letter (#14.17)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: I am already happily... uh, moderately hap- Relative- I'm married.

Peter Griffin: [gasps] BLACKMAIL!
[cut to a black man delivering the mail]
Peter Griffin: Thank you, Cleveland. And I don't know *what* to call the thing *you're* doing to me, lady!


"Family Guy: The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin (#13.6)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet. All right, so we gotta get you on Facebook. Whoop, lemme just close a couple of these windows... Here we go. Sorry. I was up late last night... had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.
Glenn Quagmire: Lot of POV stuff.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I like to pretend that's mine down there, what's doing all the slapping.
Joe Swanson: [suspicious] Peter, how old is that girl?
Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me. Won't you?
[takes the laptop to his car and drives away]

Jesus Christ: Lois... Seems like you folks learned... the lesson I intended.
Peter Griffin: *What* lesson?
Jesus Christ: Oh, you know... uuuh... That... this holiest of days is about... appreciating... our loved ones and... uuuuh... resisting... temptation.
Lois Griffin: Oh... So it was a test. Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
Jesus Christ: Yes! *That*! That's exactly right! Uuuuh... well. I can see my work here is done.
Peter Griffin: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Jesus Christ: Yeah I guess, who cares. I'm not even real, Merry Christmas.


"Family Guy: Tiegs for Two (#9.14)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian... Aw, sweet! Morning drinking! Whoo, yeah! Party!
Brian Griffin: Peter, I'm not getting drunk for fun. I'm, I'm drinking because I'm sad. Because I'm never going to meet the right woman. Because I'm... going to die old and alone.
Peter Griffin: Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.

[Peter picking up clothes at dry cleaners]
Mr. Washee-Washee: That twenty dollar.
Peter Griffin: Hey, I think you forgot my shirt.
Mr. Washee-Washee: There no shirt.
Peter Griffin: No, I know you have my white shirt. Can you check again?
Mr. Washee-Washee: No need check. I no have your shirt.
Peter Griffin: Listen here, Washee-Washee, you do have my shirt.
Mr. Washee-Washee: I no have your shirt.
Peter Griffin: You yes have my shirt!
Mr. Washee-Washee: You get out my store!
Peter Griffin: You get me shirt!
Mr. Washee-Washee: You go or I call police!
Peter Griffin: You no dare call police!
Mr. Washee-Washee: Oh, you want to play game, fatso? You big, big... 911!
Peter Griffin: Fine! I go, but this no over. I take picture of Ang Lee.
Mr. Washee-Washee: Good! He do too many white people movie anyway!


"Family Guy: Bigfat (#11.17)" (2013)
[Peter is dreaming about Stan Smith killing him for telling Quagmire about Roger]
Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream.
[Hank Hill comes out of the bathroom]
Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed?
[Hank wakes up in his own bed with Peggy still sleeping beside him]
Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby.

Lois Griffin: [finds her sequinned top in the garbage] Who threw out my sequinned top?
Stewie Griffin: [off-screen, upstairs in bedroom] You're 43, accept it!


"Family Guy: This Little Piggy (#13.9)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: What the hell? There's an animated version of you and me doing it. Who put THAT up there?

Brian Griffin: Stewie has AIDS.


"Family Guy: JOLO (#13.14)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: [thinking] I want to kiss that cow, but I don't want it to be my idea.
Cleveland Brown: Hey Peter, you should kiss that cow.
Peter Griffin: [thinking] All right Peter, that was for two of us. But play it cool.
[to Cleveland]
Peter Griffin: Oh Cleveland, I couldn't.
Cleveland Brown: Okay. Quagmire, YOU should kiss that cow.
Glenn Quagmire: Sure, why not.
Peter Griffin: [thinking] AAAAAAAH!

Peter Griffin: [after accepting the key to the city] You know some of you out there are calling me a hero. Others are calling me a hoagie. Those of you from Connecticut are calling me a grinder.


"Family Guy: Death Lives (#3.6)" (2001)
Cleveland Brown: That truck's coming up on us awful fast.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks in the rear-view mirror and sees a pickup truck full of Klu Klux Klansmen] Holy crap! Do you see what I see?
Cleveland Brown: I sure do.
Peter Griffin: Were being chased by ghosts!

[Peter has just been offered two million dollars by Carter Pewterschmidt to leave Lois]
Peter Griffin: Lois might be worth a million dollars to you but to me she's worthless.


"Family Guy: Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure (#4.30)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: You will not call them Mommy and Daddy! It's Lois and the Fat Man, do you understand me?

Stewie Griffin: All right, that's it! I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job, but now you're telling me I'm a 35 year-old ''Parade'' magazine reading virgin? Well you sir are pathetic! So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul on this sad thing you call "our life"!


"Family Guy: The Big Bang Theory (#9.16)" (2011)
Brian Griffin: So that means you're must be Italian.
Stewie Griffin: Of course, my love for Spaghetti-O's and smoking on the toilet. It all makes sense.

Brian Griffin: So that means you're Italian?
Stewie Griffin: Of course, my love for Spaghetti-O's and smoking on the toilet. It all makes sense now.


"Family Guy: Gronkowsbees (#15.11)" (2017)
Peter Griffin: Ordering a drone is gonna be a blast! Even more fun than when I had breakfast in bread.
Peter Griffin: [cut to a scene where Peter is baked into a large loaf of bread] Hi, Lois. It's a great morning. No matter how you SLICE it.
Lois Griffin: I don't know what this is Peter, but we are four months behind our mortgage.
Peter Griffin: Well, that's odd. It's not like we're short on DOUGH.
Lois Griffin: I'm taking the kids and staying at my parents' house for a while.
Peter Griffin: That's the YEAST of my concerns!

Rob Gronkowski: What's going on here? Are you guys trying to get rid of me?
Peter Griffin: Yeah we are trying to get rid of you!
Rob Gronkowski: Why?
Peter Griffin: 'Cause you're a pain in the ass to live next to! I mean, what the hell, Gronk? Why you gotta be like this! You're a *millionaire*! You have the sweetest job in the world, you can do whatever you want! Why do you gotta act like such an idiot all the time?
Rob Gronkowski: It's not a choice, Grover. Or rather, an obligation. You see, I'm been groomed for this my entire life. Scoring touchdowns, making people laugh, punishing my body... And in the name, all in the name of entertainment. Don't you understand? I'm a commodity. A product. A modern day gladiator. You ask about the why's and the therefore's behind the boorish fascade. The answer is simple: I play a jester because society deems it neccessary.
[the guys stare at him in awe]
Rob Gronkowski: Also, I'm fucking insane! Eat a butt, fatty! Gronk ain't going nowhere!


"Family Guy: Into Fat Air (#11.1)" (2012)
Stewie Griffin: [while walking around on Everest as it gets colder] And the scarf Brian called "a gay waste" makes a rather important appearance.

Stewie Griffin: Tell me again why we ate a person before we ate the dog.


"Family Guy: We Love You Conrad (#7.14)" (2009)
Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian.
Brian Griffin: How do you know?
Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.

Brian Griffin: Wow Derek, that's pretty good French you speak there.
Jillian Russell: He also speaks orange.
Derek Wilcox: That's Mandarin honey.
Jillian Russell: Mandolin.


"Family Guy: Dial Meg for Murder (#8.11)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: Hold on Lois, this is some serious parenting. I'm going to go put on my Cosby sweater.

Meg Griffin: [Deep gruff voice] You're all my bitches now!
Stewie Griffin: ...ok


"Family Guy: Life of Brian (#12.6)" (2013)
Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all.
[dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead.
[the family hold each others hands and cry]

Peter Griffin: [Seeing a decapitated chicken] Shouldn't you be running around?
Chicken: Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.


"Family Guy: Once Bitten (#13.15)" (2015)
Brian Griffin: [after Peter tries to get him to take the suppository] Peter, get away from my ass!

Brian Griffin: Hey, no, no.
Peter Griffin: No, no, Brian. No, no. You win. You win. I quit. It's your liver; you do whatever you want.
Brian Griffin: Yes, it *is* my liver, and I don't want to take that pill.
Peter Griffin: Fine. We're both in agreement. So let's just both watch TV. And nothing else
Brian Griffin: Sounds good to me.
Peter Griffin: I'm glad you think it sounds good.
[sighs]
Peter Griffin: It's nice to watch TV when you have nothing else to do, isn't it?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Peter Griffin: [forcing Brian to take the suppository] Get over here, you idiot!
[grabs Brian]
Brian Griffin: [struggles to get free] Peter! What the hell?
Peter Griffin: I'm still in charge of you!
Brian Griffin: Get away from me! I'm a human!
Peter Griffin: This is for *your* benefit, so just go limp and take it!
Brian Griffin: You touch my ass, I swear to God I'll kill ya !
[Peter inserts the suppository, Brian screams, growls then bites peter]
Peter Griffin: [screams] Wha... What the hell?
[surveys Bloodied arm]
Peter Griffin: You... you bit me!
Brian Griffin: You're damn right I did! And I'll do it again if you don't stay the hell away from my ass!
Peter Griffin: But, Brian, the vet said...
[growls, Peter gasps and runs away ]
Peter Griffin: Wow, where did that come from? I feel more powerful than a lesbian's crotch.
Valet: [cut away to Lesbian biker outside a building] Ooh, sorry, ma'am, we don't valet motorcycles.
Lesbian Biker: Don't need to!
[carries bike with crotch]


"Family Guy: Peter's Daughter (#6.7)" (2007)
Stewie Griffin: [Through the walkie-talkie] Brian, pick up, over.
Brian Griffin: What?
Stewie Griffin: Brian, please say 'over' when you finish talking, over.
Brian Griffin: What? Over.
Stewie Griffin: Do you see the wire yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: No.
Stewie Griffin: No... What? Over.
Brian Griffin: No... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I'm gonna start feeding it through, over.
Brian Griffin: Wait, if you haven't started feeding it, why you asked me if I can see it?
Stewie Griffin: Didn't copy that, over.
Brian Griffin: I said, why you asked me if I can see it if you haven't started feeding it... Over.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's better, I can hear you now, over, you see it yet? Over.
Brian Griffin: You know? You're a jackass, for the record I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: when this is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: I said, I don't wanna hang out with you anymore when this is over.
Stewie Griffin: When this is what? You have to finish your sentence, over
Brian Griffin: That's it! My sentence is over.
Stewie Griffin: Your sentence is what, Brian? Over.
Brian Griffin: My sentence is... Wait a minute, I have to say 'over' even if the sentence ends with the word 'over'?
Stewie Griffin: Ends with the word what, Brian? Over
Brian Griffin: [wire starts falling down] Oh, I see the wire.
Stewie Griffin: You see the wire what? Over.
Brian Griffin: OVER!
[Brian pulls the wire down and Stewie falls with it]

Brian Griffin: [after explosion] Didn't we have an electrician in there today?
Stewie Griffin: No, uh I uh think he left.
Brian Griffin: Isn't that his truck?
[they look over and the electrical truck]
Stewie Griffin: Well, by god Brian we're murderers. Look's like you'll be going to doggy hell.


"Family Guy: Peternormal Activity (#14.4)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: Hey, what if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average life spans of humans to 65, but there are many exceptions based on genetics and diets.
Cleveland Brown: That's stupid, I've never heard of somebody live to 65.

Peter Griffin: So far this has been a bigger waste of time than an acceptance speech of the Asberger awards.
Man On Podium: I'd like to thank anyone I've ever met, in the order that I met them. Last name first, and if anyone interrupts me I'll have to start over.


"Family Guy: Carter and Tricia (#15.8)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian Griffin: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.

Tricia Takanawa: Mr. Griffin, it sounds like you've brought me an interesting story. What should I do with it, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Make it news!
Peter Griffin: Oh, you've got a standing desk too?
Ollie Williams: Sitting's bad!
Peter Griffin: I know, they don't wanna hear it though.


"Family Guy: How the Griffin Stole Christmas (#15.9)" (2016)
Stewie Griffin: My sled has Dora on it because my parents got it at a yard sale. It... it's still for boys though. She's about language acquisition, not gender.

Chris Griffin: Dad, look! Santa's here!
[gestures to a mall Santa]
Chris Griffin: I wanna sit on his lap.
Peter Griffin: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
Chris Griffin: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!


"Family Guy: Save the Clam (#11.19)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam] To the Clam!
Glen Quagmire: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: And to mind-damaging STDs!
Glen Quagmire: I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!

Peter Griffin: Let's face it, there's only one drinking spot for us and it's the clam.
Glen Quagmire: But Peter it's closed, we can't go in there.
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't wanna have sex with you do you take that as an answer?
Glen Quagmire: [a man walks up to Quagmire and whispers in his ear, then leaves] My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.


"Family Guy: Turban Cowboy (#11.15)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: O.M.A.!

Peter Griffin: Oh, fuck! The cocksucking ground!


"Family Guy: Brothers & Sisters (#9.15)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, I didn't flush. I want you to come see it. Looks like the Starbucks mermaid.

[During dinner, Lois is trying to dissuade her sister from marrying once again by having a few of her ex-husbands showing up unannounced]
Carol Pewterschmidt: Look, I see what you're trying to do, Lois.
Lois Griffin: And then there was your second husband, Randall, who you called your soul mate.
Peter Griffin: Oh God, not that guy. He always comes bearing really inconvenient gifts.
[Randall enters room]
Randall Carrington: Hey you guys. Peter, I brought you some saltwater tropical fish. Now you got to feed them every two hours, and I fed them an hour ago.
Peter Griffin: Ah, all right. You got the food?
Randall Carrington: No, I don't have the food. You get that at a tropical fish store.
Peter Griffin: It's 9:30 at night!
Randall Carrington: Well, you better get going.
Peter Griffin: Son of a fuck!


"Family Guy: A Fish Out of Water (#3.10)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: How am I gonna come up with 50 grand by tomorrow?
Glen Quagmire: Well, you could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks apiece. Or - or - or 50 *really* fat chicks for a thousand bucks.
[Cleveland and Joe stare at him]
Glen Quagmire: What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta pay!

Lois Griffin: See you in a few days.
Meg Griffin: Not if I strangle myself with seaweed wrap and die.
Peter Griffin: Ho, ho, you are dark.


"Family Guy: 12 and a Half Angry Men (#11.16)" (2013)
Judge: Jurors, you have now heard all the facts of this case. I remind you that because we are a small town, many of you may have ties with the defendant or the victim. You must set aside these personal connections and render an impartial and unanimous verdict. Does anyone have any questions?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, is Toblerone the fanciest thing in the world?

Peter Griffin: Hey Quagmire, you going to write something funny?
Glenn Quagmire: No Peter I'm not. I'm starting to think that all you do is dick around.


"Family Guy: The Heartbreak Dog (#14.16)" (2016)
Brian Griffin: [to Bonnie] Hey, you know what would be great? If you could talk with even a little bit of inflection in your voice so it doesn't sound so much like a fucking power sander?

Stewie Griffin: [on Skype] Hey Brian, can you bring me up a snack? I'm supposed to be in bed.
Brian Griffin: Look, the other night was great. But it was a mistake.
Bonnie Swanson: You're right.
Stewie Griffin: Oh man, WHAAAAAAAT?
[Brian shuts down the laptop]


"Family Guy: Inside Family Guy (#15.4)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Please just give me one more chance to redeem myself!
TV writer: All right, go ahead.
Peter Griffin: Fuck you!

Peter Griffin: Ok, there's no way this is real. They'd have to bring in someone to replace me.
TV writer: Uncle Rickey, played by sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters.


"Family Guy: Peter's Def Jam (#15.12)" (2017)
Peter Griffin: Oh my God, I can't hear Garfield! I'm deaf!

Peter Griffin: How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self image.


"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?
Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"

Peter Griffin: [Lois has explained to Peter that he is a producer, not director] Then what am I supposed to do with my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Because that's what soap is for, Lois.


"Family Guy: Stewie Is Enceinte (#13.12)" (2015)
Brian: [punches Stewie] Is it dead?
Stewie: You hit me! What kind of monster hits a pregnant toddler! If you ever lay a finger on me again, I'll burn you in your bed!
[walks off]
Brian: Could... could you do that now, please?

Peter Griffin: Okay, let's see. Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?
Joe Swanson: Cats!
Peter Griffin: Yes! Cats, good.
Glenn Quagmire: People reacting to gross stuff.
Peter Griffin: Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS".
Cleveland Brown: Can I get a soda?
Peter Griffin: What? No! This is like the worst time to ask for a soda.
Glenn Quagmire: Unbelievable.


"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Brian Griffin: What's the matter? Do you miss your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: [laughing] Oh, yeah. That's it. I miss my mommy. I also miss colick and rectal thermometry.
Brian Griffin: Whatever you say... Mama's boy.
Stewie Griffin: Blast!

[watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.


"Family Guy: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! (#11.8)" (2012)
Peter Griffin as Joseph: Now, gather round everybody and hear the awe-inspiring tale that caused millions and millions of deaths.

Peter Griffin: [resuming the tale] Okay, let me just ram the rest of this rhetoric down your throats...


"Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: [to Stewie] You shot me in both legs and set me on fire. Piss off.

Stewie Griffin: Well, all's well that ends well, eh, Brian?
Brian Griffin: You shot me in both legs and lit me on fire. Piss off.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, come on! Well, I guess you're right. Alright, I'll tell you what: you can take one free hit, okay?
Brian Griffin: Okay. But I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to take it.
Stewie Griffin: [scared, after a pause] What?


"Family Guy: American Gigg-olo (#15.3)" (2016)
Brian Griffin: [to Lois as he walks into the kitchen] Wow, what a day!
Stewie Griffin: Please don't comment.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie Griffin: Bitch.

Peter Griffin: [when the "Who Else But Quagmire Guy" appears] Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?"
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Peter Griffin: Are you... are you gay?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife, so I figures, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Peter Griffin: Hey, awesome cameo.


"Family Guy: Let's Go to the Hop (#2.14)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: I had such a crush on her... until I met you, Lois. You're my silver medal.

Peter Griffin: Greg Allman, how did you handle things when life got you down?
Gregg Allman: Me? I took a lot of drugs and married some broad named Cher. I don't recommend either one of 'em.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you

Peter Griffin: Now hold on, Quagmire. We don't know if this kid really is yours yet.
Annaleigh Quagmire: Giggity.
Quagmire: Oh... I say that.


"Family Guy: Roads to Vegas (#11.21)" (2013)
Stewie Griffin: [Speaking to Brian] How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?


"Family Guy: And Then There Were Fewer (#9.1)" (2010)
Stewie Griffin: If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.


"Family Guy: Hannah Banana (#8.5)" (2009)
[Brian and Stewie have discovered that Miley Cyrus is actually an android built by Disney]
Stewie: My God! I can't believe she's an android. Do you think we should tell someone or do something?
Brian: Well, we could do something.
Stewie: Like what?
Brian: Well, look at her: she dances like a real girl, she moves like a real girl.
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: Do you think she does other stuff like a real girl? You know, if you reprogrammed her?
Stewie: Brian, that's sick. She's sixteen!
Brian: I'm eight.
Stewie: I don't know.
Brian: You killed my brother, you owe me.
Stewie: All right, I'll see what I can do.


"Family Guy: Take My Wife (#13.18)" (2015)
Bublé Wrap: I just haven't met you yet.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, cool.
Bublé Wrap: Your mom thinks of me when she's doing your dad.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Bublé Wrap: Seriously, I drive all the women nuts.
Bublé Wrap: I can make your... mom and aunt kiss.
Stewie Griffin: This is a very skeevy packing product.


"Family Guy: Chris Cross (#11.13)" (2013)
Stewie Griffin: [after listening to some Anne Murray music] What a woman. And to think Canada has got her and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town in a Waffle House.


"Family Guy: Peterotica (#4.24)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: [to Carter] I promise, you'll love it here, even more than Julia Roberts loves herself.
[cut to Julia Roberts, standing in front of a display of candles]
Julia Roberts: Hi, I'm Julia Roberts. You know, a lot of people died in the tsunami, but don't worry, I didn't. And I'll be here to entertain you and love my life for many, many years to come. Me! ME! MEEEEEEE!
[hugs herself and laughs uncontrollably]


"Family Guy: Peter's Progress (#7.16)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: We will have equal rights for all. Except Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Jews, Gays, women, Muslims. Uhmm... Everybody who's not a white man. And I mean white-white, so no Italians, no Polish, just people from Ireland, England, and Scotland. But only certain parts of Scotland and Ireland. Just full blooded whites. No, you know what? Not even whites. Nobody gets any rights. Ahhh... America!


"Family Guy: Valentine's Day in Quahog (#11.12)" (2013)
Meg Griffin: I totally hit it off with this great guy on the internet. And we're finally going to meet.
Stewie Griffin: Ok, remember to ask question about him. Seem interested. Listen, giggle, swallow.


"Family Guy: Mother Tucker (#5.2)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: We have a show!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, we have a show.
Denzel Washington: [whistle, then scene from Philadelphia plays] After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners, in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.
Brian Griffin: What is wrong with you?
Stewie Griffin: I swear to god that was supposed to be "Food Fight"


"Family Guy: An App a Day (#14.13)" (2016)
Tennis Judge: OUT.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Tennis Judge: Your ball was long.
Stewie Griffin: Are you
[bleep]
Stewie Griffin: me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind
[bleep]
Stewie Griffin: blue jacket
[bleep]
Stewie Griffin: !
Brian Griffin: Stewie, calm down!
Stewie Griffin: I will drop you to your knees and shove your racket so far down your throat you'll be
[bleep]
Stewie Griffin: my grip for a week!
Tennis Judge: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you are warning ME? I'm warning YOU! I'm gonna go to your house and
[bleep]
Stewie Griffin: your wife!


"Family Guy: No Country Club for Old Men (#11.22)" (2013)
Stewie Griffin: Brian have you seen the remote? I want to watch the Weather Channel. They're some tornadoes in the Midwest and I want to watch poor people scramble to save what little they have.


"Family Guy: Baby, You Knock Me Out (#9.5)" (2010)
Brian Griffin: She's killed 3 people in the ring. Her fists are so dangerous she's not allowed to be a lesbian.


"Family Guy: Trading Places (#9.13)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: I guess we've learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing.


"Family Guy: Burning Down the Bayit (#10.15)" (2012)
Joe Swanson: What were you doing last night?
Peter Griffin: Fucking your mother.


"Family Guy: Mr. & Mrs. Stewie (#10.19)" (2012)
Peter Griffin: Lois if god wanted me to not sleep with my wife he would have made me John Travolta.


"Family Guy: Love Blactually (#7.1)" (2008)
Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!"
Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what?
Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened!
Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that?
Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened.
Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this.
[walks away, then comes back]
Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it?
Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening.
Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened?
Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures?
Stewie Griffin: Ruins.
Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening?
Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened.
Brian Griffin: Say "ruined."
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Ruined.
Stewie Griffin: Rueened.
Brian Griffin: Dumbass.
Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."


"Family Guy: Welcome Back Carter (#9.3)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: Shape up or show me your balls.


"Family Guy: Lois Comes Out of Her Shell (#11.6)" (2012)
Stewie Griffin: [Super Mario has saved Stewie from Sheldon] Super Mario? What are you doing here?
Super Mario: I jump on the turtles, Stewie. It is not much of a life, but it is my life.


"Family Guy: Airport '07 (#5.12)" (2007)
Stewie Griffin: [after Quagmire is offered to stay with them] Great. This is going to be worse than the time I roomed with Marlee Matlin.
Marlee Matlin: [cutaway scene, Marlee walks by Stewie and is farting with every step] Hey Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: Oh come on Marlee. I know you can't hear them, but you have to feel those things slapping out of there.


"Family Guy: Road to the North Pole (#9.7)" (2010)
Stewie Griffin: [the Mall Santa has finished for the day, just as Stewie and Brian reach the front of the line] He turned his back on me! Just like Reality turned its back on Gary Busey!
Gary Busey: [Looking in the mirror] How am I doing, Gary Busey?
Gary Busey's Reflection: [Has snakes for hair, glowing eyes, a forked tongue and is surrounded by Hellfire] You're doing great!
Gary Busey: Thanks Gary Busey, I'll keep it up!


"Family Guy: Cool Hand Peter (#10.8)" (2011)
Warden: Step forward, maggot!
[Peter takes a tentative step forward, and one of the warden's guards sucker-punches Cleveland in the gut with his baton]
Cleveland Brown: [groaning in pain] Ah!
Warden: [to Peter] Next time, that'll be you.
Cleveland Brown: Well, why wasn't it him this time?
Peter Griffin: [sarcastic] Oh, I'm so scared.
Cleveland Brown: [the guard beats on him some more] Ow! Ah! Ow! Ah! Peter, stop it!
Peter Griffin: [sarcastic again] Yeah, you're real big when you got that stick, ain't ya?
[the guard sucker-punches Peter in the gut]
Peter Griffin: Okay, I'll stop now.


"Family Guy: FOX-y Lady (#7.10)" (2009)
[repeated line]
Peter Griffin: Chris, can I talk with you in the kitchen?


"Family Guy: Lottery Fever (#10.1)" (2011)
Stewie Griffin: I've had a giant mobile put in the sky to help me relax. I hope that bear comes round soon, that's my favourite. Oh, look, the bear!


"Family Guy: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (????)
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.


"Family Guy: Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (#3.21)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: I say, Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million dollars.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter Griffin: Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!


"Family Guy: You Can't Do That on Television, Peter (#10.18)" (2012)
Peter Griffin: Cut the camera, cut it. Role a Petey Learn Along Song.
State of Kentucky: Kentucky is a state. Kentucky is a state. All the people there are dicks. Kentucky is a state.


"Family Guy: Scammed Yankees (#14.12)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Have you ever heard of porn? Is that something you are aware of?
Carter Pewterschmidt: You have post cards from France?


"Family Guy: Our Idiot Brian (#13.8)" (2015)
Brian Griffin: Hey, this isn't the Kenny Chesney concert!


"Family Guy: The Giggity Wife (#11.11)" (2013)
Stewie Griffin: [Speaking to a drunk Peter] You should know that mom has emotionally let you go. It won't be long before she takes a lover. She already has 2 cell phones.


"Family Guy: Go, Stewie, Go! (#8.13)" (2010)
Julie: Don't mind Randall. He's just getting into character.
Stewie Griffin: Is he playing a dick?


"Family Guy: Stewie Goes for a Drive (#10.4)" (2011)
Brian Griffin: Sometimes in life, you just have to accept what's coming to you. Like the contestant who gets the lesser showcase on ''The Price is Right''.


"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have?
Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't...
[eyes widen looking toward the window]
Peter Griffin: oh... crap!
[Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]


"Family Guy: Brian's a Bad Father (#12.11)" (2014)
Glenn Quagmire: Ah, this hunting trip is long overdue.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad that all the animals are so spread out, you know? I mean it wouldn't be awesome if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them?


"The Cleveland Show: Pilot (#1.1)" (2009)
[Cleveland and Cleveland, Jr. have left Quahog to mark the beginning of "The Cleveland Show"]
Stewie Griffin: What the hell? He's gettin' his own show?


"Family Guy: Peter's Sister (#14.6)" (2015)
Stewie Griffin: Hey Meg, Thanksgiving's over. Help me with the Christmas decorations.
[no answer]
Stewie Griffin: MEG! HELP ME WITH THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!


"Family Guy: Excellence in Broadcasting (#9.2)" (2010)
[Brian has just finished reading Rush Limbaugh's latest book]
Brian Griffin: My God. Rush Limbaugh was right. Conservative republicanism is the answer.
[We cut to Stan Smith from "American Dad!" watching the episode in his living room]
Stan Smith: Good. Good for Brian.


"Family Guy: Amish Guy (#10.7)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: [the ride is based on "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"] Didn't that movie have like a tall guy in a hat?
Quagmire: Yeah and there was a guy with a mask who wore a mask.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and a guy with an umbrella. And I think he opened it at one point.
Lois Griffin: And it wasn't overly long.
Peter Griffin: No, not overly long.


"Family Guy: And I'm Joyce Kinney (#9.9)" (2011)
Stewie Griffin: Bilf.


"Family Guy: Bookie of the Year (#15.2)" (2016)
Glenn Quagmire: Peter, we could make a lot of money!
Cleveland Brown: Yeah, we could make Tony Braxton money!
Peter Griffin: Is that... Is that a lot?
Cleveland Brown: It's a LOT! And then nothing. And then a record proceeds to go directly to the creditors.