Glenn Quagmire
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Quotes for
Glenn Quagmire (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Look, we got four or five of the main characters on this ship. I think we'll be fine.

[from trailer]
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: You're gonna attack them?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [mocking voice] "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: That's how you sound.
[mocking voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: "You're gonna attack them?"
[normal voice]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Imagine listening to that all day.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, we need you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, really? "We" or "I"?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What do you mean?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You don't want me to leave because of the way you feel about me. I bet you're afraid I'm gonna leave without giving you a goodbye kiss.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Ugh! I'd rather kiss George Takei.
George Takei: Hello.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Captain Piett, you're in charge now. Don't fail me, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: A promotion? Really? Can I get business cards that say "Admiral"?
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: That's not in the budget. You know, we're trying to catch Rebels here. I don't even have business cards. None of us do. Do you have business cards?
Stormtrooper: Yeah.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: You have business cards? You're a stormtrooper. There's like a million of you. What do need business cards for?
Stormtrooper: Well, they're for my cookie business.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I don't want... Oh, my God. That chocolate cookie looks like the Death Star.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Thank God that hot chick is gone. Now I can let loose my Darth farts.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Sir, the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are two to one.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Never tell me the... Actually, that's not bad.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: What's all this slime on the floor?
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Yeah. It feels like we're in Rod Stewart's stomach.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [watches Slave-1 fly off] Oh, no. We've lost Han. They're taking him to Jabba's palace.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Well, even though we know exactly where he's going, we should rescue him in three years.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: [before Han is lowered into the carbon-freezing pit] I love you.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Fuck off.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: And who are you supposed to be?
Raggedy Andy: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: ...get the fuck out of my bounty hunter meeting.

Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.

Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Why you stuck up, halfwitted, scruffy looking, nerfherder
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [He punches her] You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: How you doing, kid? You look strong enough to pull the ears off Jennifer Garner.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

[Han fires his blaster at a mynock. The ground shakes]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Wait a minute.
[Shoots the ground. It shakes again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hang on a second.
[Shoots the ground again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What's going on here?
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Something doesn't add up.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Just a minute.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Time out.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: This ain't quite right.
[Shoots again]
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Oh, now I get it. We should go.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [Upon seeing Boba Fett for the first time] Ha, ha! The Giant Chicken's Boba Fett!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [to Leia] I'm going to kiss you so hard, the scene is going to change to something different.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [to Lando] Why are you wearing Han's clothes?
[turns to the camera]
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Come on Luke, join the Dark Side - it's really cool!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Admiral Ozzel came out of lightspeed too quickly.
Imperial Officer: I had that problem with a chick the other night!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, gross!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: [On Lando] He's a black guy - in fact he's probably the only black guy in the galaxy.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: Let's hope, right!
Peter Griffin as Han Solo, Lois Griffin as Princess Leia, Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Whoa!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet! You're getting there, you're getting there though!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: I was trying to call Luke Adams - his name is right next to yours in my helmet!


"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: [after Luke is injured during the lightsaber duel] We'll be lucky to come out of this without a lawsuit!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Oh, my God, that was absolute hell! I just... I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I know that laugh. It's the 7Up guy.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, check it out, it's another chick! The only other chick in the galaxy!
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: I don't like her.

Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: The mighty Jabba has decreed that you are to be thrown in the Sarlacc pit. There, you will discover a new meaning of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over 1,000 years.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: No sweat. I'm bringing a box of All-Bran. I'll be sprayed all over the desert in a week. Right? Big lips on a stick knows what I'm talking about.
Sy Snoodles: Ha! Fiber!

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, take your helmet off. I'll do "got your nose."
Stormtrooper: We're not supposed to take these off, but I really want to see that.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: What the hell? Your head is so small.
Stormtrooper: Yeah, that's why we wear these big helmets. It's a lot more intimidating.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: I'll be honest with you. I don't like people who are different.
[shoots Stormtrooper in the head]

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
[mockingly]
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: All right, everybody, hands in the air! All right. Now I want you to take off your helmets, go outside and dig up your own graves with them.
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: Han, that's kind of dark.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up! There's enough cutesy crap in this movie. I think we all need this. Now get outside!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Leia, you got a date for the We Just Killed Thousands of People Dance tonight?
Lois Griffin as Princess Leia: No.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: You do now. Pick you up at 7:00. And save Yub Nub for me. Come to think of it, you can shave your yub nub for me, too! I'll see you at 7:00.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Mom (#13.10)" (2015)
Glenn Quagmire: Keira, that was an amazing night. Sorry I can't drive you to work. I gotta go sit in my den until you leave.
Kira: Oh, that's okay. I'll just take the school bus.
Glenn Quagmire: Wait, what? You... you drive a school bus?
Kira: [giggling] No, silly, I take the bus. I'm in high school.
Glenn Quagmire: What the hell? You said you were 23!
Kira: Yeah, and you said you loved me.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, I guess you got me there.

Joe Swanson: Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape.
Glenn Quagmire: [sighs] All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.
Joe Swanson: [Joe's cell phone buzzes]
[looks at the pictures]
Joe Swanson: Oh, yeah! Boom! You're disgusting. Take him away. We've got all the awesome evidence we need.

Lois Griffin: Glenn, what the hell's going on?
Glenn Quagmire: It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?

Glenn Quagmire: Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge.
Peter Griffin: Really? Number one or number two? Our judicial system is so broken.

Glenn Quagmire: And there's not even a defense for statutory rape. Once the girl proves her age, that's it: you're guilty.
Peter Griffin: You know what I tried today? A fig.

Judge: Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one, but that doesn't excuse your actions. I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison.
Crystal Quagmire: [comes into the courtroom] Oh, no you don't!
Glenn Quagmire: Mom?
Other men in the courtroom: Crystal?
Mayor Adam West: Ha! She's enjoyed many men.

Judge: I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but my sentence stands. Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours to get your affairs in order.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, my God.
Peter Griffin: Ah, don't think of it as 20 years. Think of it as two ten-year-olds, you sick freak.

Brian Griffin: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.
Stewie Griffin: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.
Glenn Quagmire: [to Brian] Why are you of all people defending a religious nut? Aren't you an atheist?
Brian Griffin: [chuckling] Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Joe Swanson: [meeting Quagmire's dad] I'd stand and salute you, sir, but this is the best I can do.
[he leans back in his wheelchair, akin to standing up straight, and salutes]
Dan Quagmire: I'll take it. And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty back to you, my friend.

Glenn Quagmire: [after hearing several double entendre comments from his father's fellow sailors] Dad... are you gay?
Dan Quagmire: What?
Glenn Quagmire: Are you gay, dad?
Dan Quagmire: No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
Glenn Quagmire: Just... just tell me the truth.
Dan Quagmire: I am telling you the truth. Now calm down. You're ruining this ball. You know how much I love balls.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, come on, now! That's not helping!
Dan Quagmire: Son, you have my word, I am not gay.
Glenn Quagmire: You promise?
Dan Quagmire: I promise.
Glenn Quagmire: All right, I believe you.
Dan Quagmire: But I am a woman trapped in a man's body. And while I'm in Quahog, I plan to have a sex change operation.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, come on. Just be gay.

Glenn Quagmire: [about his father] He wants to have a sex change operation.
Peter Griffin: Whoa! I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was that gay.
Glenn Quagmire: No, no, Peter, he's not gay. He's a woman stuck in a man's body.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, gay.
Glenn Quagmire: It's totally different!
Lois Griffin: Sounds the same.
Glenn Quagmire: Well, it's not!
Peter Griffin: Okay, so he wants to be a woman she he can be a lesbian?
Glenn Quagmire: No, he'd date men.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: Gay.

Dr. Elmer Hartman: [entering from the ER covered in blood] Wow! That thing was on there.
Glenn Quagmire: How is he, doc? Is he all right?
Dr. Elmer Hartman: No, I'm afraid not.
[Quagmire gasps in horror]
Dr. Elmer Hartman: But she's gonna be just fine.
Dan Quagmire: [entering with his new feminine body] What do you think, boys?

Peter Griffin: What are you gonna name it? Huh? What are you gonna name your he/she father/mother?
Glenn Quagmire: Knock it off!

Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.

Meg Griffin: I like the outfit you have on.
Dan Quagmire: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
Meg Griffin: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.

Peter Griffin: [to Ida] So tell me about those knockers. Are we... Are those... Is that just, like, implants or did they reassign some ass fat up there?
Glenn Quagmire: [leaving in disgust] All right, I'm out of here.
Stewie Griffin: I wonder if I could push mine inside.
[reaching into his overalls]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my god. It worked. It's gone! I can't believe it... oh, no, it's back.


"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and, let's just say, you're cleared for landing! Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [in the distance] *giggity!*

Lois Griffin: Hey there, sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing, eh?
Glen Quagmire: [From a distance] GIGGITY!

Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?

Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing!
Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!

Peter Griffin: [shouting out the window] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there?
Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay!
Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.


"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Herbert (Obi-Wan Kenobi): Mos Eisley spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cleveland (R2-D2): My sister Regina-D2 lives here.
Quagmire (C-3PO): Is she single?
Cleveland (R2-D2): She's a lez-bot.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, thanks for the sex, early 90's printer.

Quagmire (C-3PO): Hey, it sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the 'Hey, let's experiment' kind of boarded from the rear.

Quagmire (C-3PO): Who would you rather do: Jabba the Hutt right after a shower, or a service droid?
Cleveland (R2-D2): My father was a service droid!


"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Crystal Quagmire: [Flashback, Baby Quagmire is crying] Here now, have milk.
[shows Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire: All right!
[starts sucking on her breast]

Stripper: How old are you?
Chris Griffin: Old enough to know you're a whore!
[the stripper takes Chris by the hand much to his surprise, The camera cuts to Quagmire who is excited watching another stripper dance]
Glen Quagmire: Whoa! Whoa ho-ho! Whoa ho-ho-ho ho-ho!
[Throws money around]
Stripper: [Bent over] Come on, talk to me, sweetie.
[slaps her bottom]
Stripper: You look a little down.
Chris Griffin: I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad. He doesn't have time for me.
Stripper: Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect
[takes off her top and spins it around]
Stripper: Your dad deserves another chance.
Chris Griffin: Wow! You are smart.

Glen Quagmire, Stripper: All right.
[realising all of his money is gone]
Glen Quagmire, Stripper: Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm outta cash! You take bank cards?
Stripper: Sure.
[Quagmire takes a card out and swipes it down the crack of her buttocks]
Glen Quagmire: Do you take stamps too?
[Stripper slaps him]

UPS Woman: I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.
Quagmire: I'll be right back
[Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked]
Quagmire: And I've got a package for you too! Oh!
[she maces him]
Quagmire: Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Quagmire (#12.3)" (2013)
Ida Quagmire: Are you okay, Glen?
Quagmire: [Bruised and hanging upside-down, tied up with power-cord] No, I'm pretty fucking far from okay right now.

Quagmire: You should never feel ashamed to be different.
[Cut to three Owls on a branch]
Owl 1: Hoo!
Owl 2: Hoo!
Owl 3: Whom!

Quagmire: Sonja, I know "no" doesn't mean "no", but surely some word must mean "no"!

Quagmire: My dad's pregnant with my kid.


"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here?
Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!

Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy, let's have sex!

Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh.
Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me...
Glen Quagmire: Oh God!
Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things...
Glen Quagmire: OH GOD!
Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD!
Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.

Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things...
Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God!
Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole.
Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God!
Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.
Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Glenn Quagmire: Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[chugs a can]
Glenn Quagmire: Heh, you win!
Peter Griffin: All right! What do I win?
Glenn Quagmire: Another beer!
Peter Griffin: Alright, I'm goin' for the high score!
Glenn Quagmire: Well, actually *Charlie's* got the high score.
[pan right to a man with his pants down standing in front of a grandfather clock]
Charlie: Hey, man, your clock won't flush!

Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer?
Peter Griffin: Right here.
[drinks beer]
Peter Griffin: What do I win?
Glen Quagmire: Another beer.
Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score.
Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score.
Charlie: Hey man, your clock won't flush.

[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!


"Family Guy: Ocean's Three and a Half (#7.7)" (2009)
Cleveland Brown: [Voice Identification]
[In Carter's voice]
Cleveland Brown: It's me Carter, I want my money.
Computer: Voice print verified.
Glenn Quagmire: How the hell'd you do that?
Cleveland Brown: I can do you guys too.
[In Peter's exact voice]
Cleveland Brown: Hey everybody.
Peter Griffin: [Peter brightens up] Oh hey Peter!
Cleveland Brown: No it's still me.

Glenn Quagmire: [to Joe] Well, it's your fault for getting her knocked up. That's why I always use a c...
[laughs]
Glenn Quagmire: cond...
[laughs]
Glenn Quagmire: I'm sorry I can't even say that with a straight face.

Carter Pewterschmidt: [after blending up a stack of $20,000 bills and drinks it] In about an hour, I'm going to piss away 20 grand.
Glenn Quagmire: What, are you gonna bet on the Knicks?
[laughs]
Glenn Quagmire: Is that... I'm sorry, I mean how often, I mean... oh man, nobody thinks that's funny?


"Family Guy: Airport '07 (#5.12)" (2007)
Quagmire: [over the plane's intercom] Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your captain Glenn Quagmire, uhhhhhhh we're lookin' bout a four and a half hour flight time today, uhhhhhhh got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is sixty-four degrees, uhhhhhhhhhh the flight is gonna be a little longer than we've expected, uh we've got some very strong head winds, gigity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.

Quagmire: We know you have your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your vagina may have shifted during coitus.

Quagmire: I don't deserve to be a pilot. I've let everybody down.
Hugh M. Hefner: Did you do the best you could?
Quagmire: Well, I was gonna, but I ended up getting laid instead.
Hugh M. Hefner: You know, that reminds me of what one young man once said: John Holmes, the greatest porn star who ever lived. He said, 'You know, I've got a 13-inch penis, and Glenn Quagmire is the best damn pilot I have ever seen.'
Quagmire: John Holmes said that?
Hugh M. Hefner: You bet he did, right before he died a very painful AIDS-related death from having unprotected sex with so many people.


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
Transvetite: [in deep voice] Sure.
Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?
Transvetite: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!

Glen Quagmire: [standing naked at his window, watching Lois perform jujitsu] That was strangely arousing.
[the window slams shut on his penis]
Glen Quagmire: OW!
[tries to get unstuck, then picks up his phone]
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's in a window this time.

[Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice): Sure.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Woman: Pre-op.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off.


"Family Guy: Save the Clam (#11.19)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam] To the Clam!
Glen Quagmire: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: And to mind-damaging STDs!
Glen Quagmire: I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!

Peter Griffin: Let's face it, there's only one drinking spot for us and it's the clam.
Glen Quagmire: But Peter it's closed, we can't go in there.
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't wanna have sex with you do you take that as an answer?
Glen Quagmire: [a man walks up to Quagmire and whispers in his ear, then leaves] My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Glen Quagmire: [Speaking at the softball game] Hey Goldman's Pharmacy, can you fill out a prescription for diarrhea? Because we're about to get the runs.


"Family Guy: 12 and a Half Angry Men (#11.16)" (2013)
Peter Griffin: Hey Quagmire, you going to write something funny?
Glenn Quagmire: No Peter I'm not. I'm starting to think that all you do is dick around.

Glenn Quagmire: The tern Orgies is outdated. We now call them Genital Jamborees.

Glenn Quagmire: Trust me, you're banging 8 strangers who responded to a flyer. At some point you're going to look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.


"Family Guy: Take My Wife (#13.18)" (2015)
Counselor: Quagmire, what color is Kimmy's eyes?
Quagmire: [not listening] Shaved. So- Sorry. What is it... What's the question?

Quagmire: So when do we leave?
Lois: Oh. Sorry Glenn, the deal was for couples only. I'm afraid you can't come.
Quagmire: All right, FINE. Since you all will be gone, I will just walk around my yard naked, pee anywhere I want. I don't care.


"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody?
Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me.
Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay.
[Gets up on couch]
Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho.
Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover.
Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole!
Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.
[thumping]
Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me.
[thumping stops]
Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop.
Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here.
[takes sweater off, then sighs]
Lois Griffin: That's better.
Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.
[laughs]
Brian Griffin: Smooth.
Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.

Diane Simmons: And now part three of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you Diane.Sex. Some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person would do that?" you might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked up a complete stranger in a hotel bar and he's in the bathroom right now. Possibly doing drugs.Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover .
Glen Quagmire: I've never had a Spanish chick before. Ole'!
Lois Griffin: Oh. It's so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news.


"Family Guy: Candy, Quahog Marshmallow (#14.10)" (2016)
Glenn Quagmire: Wow, this is even more pussy than I can handle!
Cleveland Brown: [thinking] Is he gonna say "giggity"? Should *I* say "giggity"? Are other people allowed to say "giggity"?
[talking]
Cleveland Brown: Giggity.
Peter Griffin: What?
Cleveland Brown: Nothing, it's stupid.

Joe Swanson: [Holing up a dickie shirt] Your dad doesn't wear this dickie anymore? That's crazy. Why would anyone get rid of a perfectly good dickie?
Glenn Quagmire: I see what you're doing and cut it out.


"Family Guy: A Fish Out of Water (#3.10)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: So what, were you like, in an accident or something?
Seamus: [Who has two wooden legs and two wooden arms] No, me father was a tree.

Peter Griffin: How am I gonna come up with 50 grand by tomorrow?
Glen Quagmire: Well, you could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks apiece. Or - or - or 50 *really* fat chicks for a thousand bucks.
[Cleveland and Joe stare at him]
Glen Quagmire: What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta pay!


"Family Guy: He's Bla-ack! (#12.20)" (2014)
Cleveland Brown: Wassup?
[the theme music to "The Cleveland Song" plays as Cleveland approaches the guys at the Clam]
Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Cleveland Brown: All right. I knew this was coming. Everybody, gimme your best shot.
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe Swanson: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
Cleveland Brown: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Glenn Quagmire: That's your bar? Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland Brown: This is good. This is constructive.
Glenn Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after season 2.
Cleveland Brown: It's hard to make a talking bear funny.
Glenn Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe Swanson: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Cleveland Brown: Anything else?
Peter Griffin: [hands Cleveland a stack of DVDs] Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed and I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland Brown: I... I don't have a DVD player.

Glenn Quagmire: [At Susie Swanson's birthday party] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Great Quagini! Hey-ey, everybody! There's the birthday girl! Oh, oh, what's that behind your ear?
[pulls something from behind Susie's ear]
Glenn Quagmire: Oh, it's a condom!
Joe Swanson: Quagmire, please stop touching my baby with a condom.


"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Glen Quagmire: I gotta find a way out of this marriage. Cleveland, how did you get out of yours?
Cleveland Brown: You slept with my wife.

Glen Quagmire: [noticing the ring on his finger at his reception] Giggity giggity GOD, I made a terrible mistake!


"Family Guy: American Gigg-olo (#15.3)" (2016)
Glenn Quagmire: Ladies, this is your private speaking...
[strips off pilot attire]

Peter Griffin: [when the "Who Else But Quagmire Guy" appears] Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?"
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Peter Griffin: Are you... are you gay?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife, so I figures, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Peter Griffin: Hey, awesome cameo.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Baby (#8.6)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet?
Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short.
Peter Griffin: That's funny
Quagmire: Thank you

Peter Griffin: Now hold on, Quagmire. We don't know if this kid really is yours yet.
Annaleigh Quagmire: Giggity.
Quagmire: Oh... I say that.


"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: [Spying Lois from outside to the restourant with binoculars] What the hell is Lois doing with another man?
Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore?
[He looks at Peter]
Quagmire: Oh, know you, just on weekends to help pay for her mom's dyalipsis? As in my fantasy? Oh, you know what? Let's start over, Hi! I'm Quagmire!
[He reaches his hand to Peter]

Peter Griffin: [Trying to hear Lois with her old boyfriend in a restourant from the policial van of Joe, turning round the knob] Wait I got to hear more!
Joe Swanson: Peter, the power's not supposed to go that high!
Quagmire: [Guys hear Quagmire's thoughts] Damn, this itches, I wonder who gave it to me, problably that skank that needed a ride in the gas station, it's the last time I do somebody a favor... Oh, they must have heard me, oh God! I can hear me...
[starts singing, watching everywhere while Joe, Peter and Cleveland are watching him]


"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged!
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
[Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from]
Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from?
Jackée Harry: Mary.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with...
[reads from the clipboard]
Peter Griffin: a hammock of cake.


"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?
Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."
Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.


"Family Guy: And Then There Were Fewer (#9.1)" (2010)
Glen Quagmire: Can't we all just be happy she's dead?


"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help.
Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you.
Lois Griffin: What?
Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.


"Family Guy: Tea Peter (#10.21)" (2012)
Glenn Quagmire: Hey you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom?
Peter Griffin: Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down.


"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: Hey Brian what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood.
Glen Quagmire: I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.
Joe Swanson: Listen Brian there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.
Brian Griffin: That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.
Cleveland: Brian I want to punch you in the dick right now.


"Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One (#5.17)" (2007)
Glen Quagmire: ["campaigning" for Lois by seducing female voters] If I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word BANG on it!


"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff.
Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?


"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.


"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Peter Griffin: Well, guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland Brown: You poor bastard. After all, sex is pointless without potency.
Quagmire: That's right. You take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a... a belt.


"Family Guy: Jerome Is the New Black (#8.7)" (2009)
Glen Quagmire: You wanna maybe just go?
Brian Griffin: Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.
Glen Quagmire: Who asked you to try hard?
Brian Griffin: Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Glen Quagmire: ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.
[sighs]
Glen Quagmire: Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!


"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
[he leaves]
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?


"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.


"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Kevin Swanson: Well, I'm sorry you all feel the way you do, but I walked away from an illegal war of aggression being fought six-thousand miles away from our shores.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Better there than here where all my stuff is.
Peter Griffin: So what, you figured you'd just let 'em get away with Nine-Eleven?
Kevin Swanson: Mr. Griffin, Iraq had nothing to do with Nine-Eleven, and the war we started in Iraq has killed a half a million of their people, which is, like, two-hundred Nine-Elevens!
Glenn Quagmire: So, I guess those moments of silence we had at those sporting events meant nothing to you?


"Family Guy: The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin (#13.6)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet. All right, so we gotta get you on Facebook. Whoop, lemme just close a couple of these windows... Here we go. Sorry. I was up late last night... had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.
Glenn Quagmire: Lot of POV stuff.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I like to pretend that's mine down there, what's doing all the slapping.
Joe Swanson: [suspicious] Peter, how old is that girl?
Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me. Won't you?
[takes the laptop to his car and drives away]


"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked.
Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.


"Family Guy: Tiegs for Two (#9.14)" (2011)
Glenn Quagmire: Look at the man on the unicycle with the parrot on his shoulder. Hey-ho, put five cents in the hat.
Cheryl Tiegs: That's quite a skill you've got there.
Glenn Quagmire: Well ever since I got discharged from the Navy, I'll do anything I can to make money. I'm thinking about getting my pilot's license.


"Family Guy: Brian the Closer (#13.4)" (2014)
Glenn Quagmire: [Looking at Brian after his accident] Your face looks like a used condom.


"Family Guy: The Book of Joe (#13.2)" (2014)
Glenn Quagmire: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hot moms who are married but looking David Chicago!


"Family Guy: Back to the Woods (#6.9)" (2008)
[Peter and his friends have heard about an upcoming Barry Manilow concert]
Joe Swanson: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
Peter Griffin: Hey, you know we should do? We should go, just as a goof.
Quagmire: That would be hilarious.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
Cleveland: All the dumb-ass Manilow fans.
Peter Griffin: I mean he's got like one good song.
Quagmire: Yeah... I mean "Mandy" is not terrible.
Joe Swanson: Yeah, the opening is okay.
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate "Copacabana".
Quagmire: Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
Joe Swanson: "Daybreak" is a good song.
Cleveland: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: That's a good song. And I like "Weekend in New England".
Quagmire: Yeah, that's a good one. "Looks Like We Made It".
Peter Griffin: Yeah, it's not bad.
Quagmire: Right.
[long pause]
Joe Swanson: [sotto voice] I love Barry Manilow.
Peter Griffin: Oh my god, he's the best!
Quagmire: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me too, in my car!
Peter Griffin: We have to go to that concert!


"Family Guy: JOLO (#13.14)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: [thinking] I want to kiss that cow, but I don't want it to be my idea.
Cleveland Brown: Hey Peter, you should kiss that cow.
Peter Griffin: [thinking] All right Peter, that was for two of us. But play it cool.
[to Cleveland]
Peter Griffin: Oh Cleveland, I couldn't.
Cleveland Brown: Okay. Quagmire, YOU should kiss that cow.
Glenn Quagmire: Sure, why not.
Peter Griffin: [thinking] AAAAAAAH!


"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
Glen Quagmire: [sitting naked in what looks like a bachelor pad] Welcome to "Midnight Q". Tonight, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity-giggity, giggity-goo. Stick around.


"Family Guy: Halloween on Spooner Street (#9.4)" (2010)
Glenn Quagmire: Oh yeah, I'm very in touch with my Asian roots. You notice I take my shoes off whenever I enter my house? I do five hours of math homework every night even though I'm not longer in school. Sometimes, I drink out of a wood box. I was a very cute baby and now I'm a joyless adult.


"Family Guy: Encyclopedia Griffin (#13.11)" (2015)
Joe Swanson: I guess all our detective agency needs now is a name
Peter Griffin: Well, we're detectives solving children's crimes. There's only one name that makes sense
Glenn Quagmire: Dicks for Kids?
Peter Griffin: Dicks for Kids.
Glenn Quagmire: But wait, we want people to know we're grown-ups.
Peter Griffin: Okay. Big Dicks for Kids.
Joe Swanson: Oh, we don't want to sound too old. They're gonna think we're a bunch of old bald geezers.
Peter Griffin: Big Hairy Dicks for Kids.
Cleveland Brown: How are we going to let them know we're veiny?


"Family Guy: One If by Clam, Two If by Sea (#3.4)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up half way through.


"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Glen Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Woman in Bar: I'm with my husband!
Glen Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero.
[Quagmire's face punched by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
[punched again by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.


"Family Guy: Meet the Quagmires (#5.18)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me!
Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my penis.


"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to...
[Brian and Stewie notice Peter and Lois lying on the couch, nude]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up?
Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter.
Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is.
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: He's so short.
Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short.
[both laugh hysterically]
Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do?
Brian Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared!
Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude.
Peter Griffin: Who were those guys?
Lois Griffin: I don't know.
Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!


"Family Guy: Passenger Fatty-Seven (#15.10)" (2017)
Glenn Quagmire: That's a military fighter jet! He's here to shoot us down!
Peter Griffin: Or she.


"Family Guy: The Boys in the Band (#15.1)" (2016)
Glenn Quagmire: You know, you are doing a great job, Chris. Why don't you jerk the rest of the day off.


"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt.
Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to...
[begins sniffing the air]
Brian Griffin: Lois just peed on something.
[Quagmire pops through the window]
Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that?
Brian Griffin: Yep.


"Family Guy: Three Kings (#7.15)" (2009)
Chris Quagmire: Ha ha! Beat those cards, fellas! Ha ha ha! Giggety-giggety-fifties-giggety!


"Family Guy: Cool Hand Peter (#10.8)" (2011)
Glenn Quagmire: [Peter, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire are hiding from the sheriff and are all handcuffed and chained together] Hey! These look like handcuff and shackle keys!
Cleveland Brown: How do you know that?
Glenn Quagmire: [knowingly chuckling] These are handcuff and shackle keys.


"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire finds Cindi tied up in a bathroom stall] Dear diary: Jackpot.


"The Cleveland Show: You're the Best Man, Cleveland Brown (#1.21)" (2010)
Glenn Quagmire: [about the end of The Cleveland Show's first season] They made it through the whole season. Now can I have my own show, Peter?
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you're a rapist.


"Family Guy: Joe's Revenge (#11.5)" (2012)
Glenn Quagmire: Peter, what'd I say about you volunteering me for shit?


"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Meg Griffin: [after getting humiliated by Connie] Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan.
Lois Griffin: Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Connie's front doorbell rings]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie D'Amico: Sixteen.
Glen Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie D'Amico: [calling offscreen] Mom!
Glen Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.


"Family Guy: Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (#3.21)" (2002)
Peter Griffin: I say, Quagmire, it seems to me we've each made another $500 million dollars.
Quagmire: Good thing we swore off women so we wouldn't be distracted and unable to accumulate this vast amount of wealth.
Peter Griffin: Yes. You watch the ticker. I'm gonna microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge!


"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone.
Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Oh, you guys are ASSES.


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Glenn Quagmire: Do you like sex?
Lenny: Meh.
Glenn Quagmire: I don't think we're very similar.


"Family Guy: Brian's Play (#11.10)" (2013)
Consuela: When he going to meet Evita?
Glenn Quagmire: Not every play is "Evita."


"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.


"Family Guy: Brian's a Bad Father (#12.11)" (2014)
Glenn Quagmire: Ah, this hunting trip is long overdue.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad that all the animals are so spread out, you know? I mean it wouldn't be awesome if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them?


Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy! Giggidy!


"Family Guy: Stewie Is Enceinte (#13.12)" (2015)
Peter Griffin: Okay, let's see. Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?
Joe Swanson: Cats!
Peter Griffin: Yes! Cats, good.
Glenn Quagmire: People reacting to gross stuff.
Peter Griffin: Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS".
Cleveland Brown: Can I get a soda?
Peter Griffin: What? No! This is like the worst time to ask for a soda.
Glenn Quagmire: Unbelievable.


"The Cleveland Show: Gone with the Wind (#1.17)" (2010)
[Quagmire has brought Loretta's coffin to Cleveland in Stoolbend]
Glenn Quagmire: Well, I'll run her over to the funeral home. Then I'm heading on up to Langley. Got a background gag in a bachelor party scene on "American Dad."
Cleveland Brown: Oh, that... that's good. Paying work.
Glenn Quagmire: Save it. Have fun on your spin-off, Joey.
[Quagmire drives away]
Cleveland Brown: I will! And this ain't no "Joey", you one-note fuck!


"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Joe Swanson: [referring to Brian] Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
Glen Quagmire: Oh yeah? Heh, how good are you?
Brian Griffin: [sniff, sniff... sniff, sniff] You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women...
[sniff]
Brian Griffin: and a man.
Glen Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
[Brian blinks once. Quagmire's facial expression changes]
Glen Quagmire: Nooo!


"Family Guy: Grimm Job (#12.10)" (2014)
Glen Quagmire: [indicating Jack's beanstalk] What's this thing? It's blocking my view of Miss Muffet's tuffet.


"Family Guy: Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q (#10.3)" (2011)
[Jeffrey thinks he's strangled Quagmire as he digs his grave when the car lights come on and it's Quagmire at the wheel]
Jeffrey Fecalman: What the hell? I killed you!
[zoom in on Quagmire, really angry]
Glenn Quagmire: I choke myself every day, you bastard!
[Quagmire pushes the pedal and chases Jeff through the forest, backing him up into a tree and crushing him]


"Family Guy: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! (#11.8)" (2012)
Peter Griffin as Joseph: Now, gather round everybody and hear the awe-inspiring tale that caused millions and millions of deaths.


"Family Guy: A Fistful of Meg (#12.4)" (2013)
Glenn Quagmire: To this day I can't have sex with a woman against her will, without thinking of rape.


"Family Guy: Amish Guy (#10.7)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: [the ride is based on "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen"] Didn't that movie have like a tall guy in a hat?
Quagmire: Yeah and there was a guy with a mask who wore a mask.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and a guy with an umbrella. And I think he opened it at one point.
Lois Griffin: And it wasn't overly long.
Peter Griffin: No, not overly long.


"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you...
[sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire]
Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!
Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?
Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling.
Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.
[to Cleveland and Quagmire]
Peter Griffin: Okay, go!
[Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly]
Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow.
[he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror]
Cleveland: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...
[feels the bumps]
Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!
Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!
Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...
[vomits on Brian]
Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.