Tom Tucker
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Quotes for
Tom Tucker (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Tom Tucker: [showing Meg and Neil Goldman around the studio] And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book but we got him.
[the video plays]
Tom Tucker: [on TV screen, sitting in a chair] So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
[cuts to a clip from The Graduate - the famous shot of Ben Braddock framed by Mrs Robinson's stockinged leg]
Dustin Hoffman: [as Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me...
[a different-sounding voice is dubbed over him]
Voice: - Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: [laughs] I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman, you really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [as Raymond Babbitt in Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: [as Captain Hook in Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
[the video ends]
Tom Tucker: [to Meg and Neil, holding his hand up to his chest] He's this tall.

Neil Goldman: [carrying a cup of coffee] Try to move on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it!
Neil Goldman: I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're going to like.
[enters Tom Tucker's dressing room]
Neil Goldman: Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.
Tom Tucker: [takes a sip and spits it out] What the hell is in this?
Neil Goldman: Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!
Neil Goldman: [runs off] Yes, sir.

Tom Tucker: Hey, look who's here, Diane, it's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?
Meg Griffin: I sure did, Mr. Tucker!
Diane Simmons: Great, cos you two are gonna have so much fun!
Tom Tucker: [through the side of his mouth] Don't act any cheerier, Diane, you'll give us all diabetes.
Diane Simmons: [through the side of her mouth] Bite me, Tom.

Tom Tucker: [looking at his reflection in a spoon while Meg tries to give him some rice crispy squares she's made for him] I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
[on the red carpet at the premiere of the movie]
Tricia Takanawa: And here comes David Bowie! David, what brings you all the way to...
[Bowie puts his finger against her lip]
David Bowie: [seductively] Shh! Just you shut your mouth...
Tricia Takanawa: [suddenly speaking excitedly with a thick Japanese accent] OH,MAKE LOVE TO ME, ZIGGY STARDUST!
[She drops to her knees and clamps onto his leg]
Tricia Takanawa: I take you home, I make you fish bowel soup! Fish bowel!
[cut back to the Channel 5 studio]
Tom Tucker: [businesslike] Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years...

Diane Simmons: In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty, I finally get my period.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.

Diane Simmons: ...And that's it for sports. Now, let's go to Ollie Williams with the Adopt-a-Pet of the week.
Ollie Williams: [holding a small puppy] Who wants this dog?
Diane Simmons: [cut back] Thanks, Ollie. And now, let's go to Peter Griffin with "Ya Know What Really Grinds My - "
[Tom Tucker appears]
Diane Simmons: Tom, what are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Tom Tucker: Well Diane, I have an exclusive story. And I... can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Did you check your TCP/IP settings?
Tom Tucker: Yes I did, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] Enable cookies?
Tom Tucker: Yes, Ollie.
Ollie Williams: [off-screen] You want this dog?
Tom Tucker: No thank you, Ollie.

"Family Guy: Mr. Saturday Knight (#3.9)" (2001)
Tom Tucker: The crowd has fallen deathly ill... silent... sorry.

Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.

"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Brian Griffin: And remember you had an Irish Coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"?
Peter Griffin: [the family is watching the movie in a theater, where everybody except Peter is crying] I got it, it's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]

Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom.
Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane.

"Family Guy: Tales of a Third Grade Nothing (#7.6)" (2008)
Tom Tucker: And now Peter Griffin. Peter, your word is "lesbians". "Lesbians".
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping."
Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a dirty sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping for double-sided marital aids."
Peter Griffin: Umm, ah. Oh. Wow.
Peter Griffin: Could you use it in a libellous sentence, please?
Tom Tucker: "Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians."
Peter Griffin: L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S.

Tom Tucker: [muttering] Maybe he'd know how to spell "bolt-cutter"!
Omar: I'm ten years old and I'm Indian!

"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."
Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

"Family Guy: Blind Ambition (#4.3)" (2005)
God: [In the Drunken Clam, God spots a woman trying to light a cigarette] Here, baby. Let me help you with that.
Hot Chick at the Bar: [God summons a lightning bolt to light her cigarette] Wow! Thanks!
God: That's nothing. Watch this!
[God summons another lightning bolt which strikes the woman, exploding her and setting the bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus Christ: [Jesus comes running] What?
God: Get the Escalade, we're outta here!
Tom Tucker: [Outside the burning Drunken Clam where Peter is helping Horace escape the fire] Here comes the blind hero now. Tell me sir, how were you able to summon up the courage to enter that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freakin' place was on fire?
[drops Horace]

Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building?
Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire?

"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]

[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.

"Family Guy: Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream (#10.13)" (2012)
[in "Halloween 4; The Return of Michael Myers]
Tom Tucker: Good evening, I'm Michael Myers. I have enormous psychological problems and I'm going to take them out on you.

"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Tom Tucker: In local news we have more on the approach of Hurricane RuPaul, which is working his or her way up to coast. Let's go live to Ollie Williams with the Blaccu weather report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's raining sideways!
Tom Tucker: Sounds rough, Ollie. Do you have an umbrella?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside out, two miles away!
Tom Tucker: Is there anything we can do for you?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!

"Family Guy: Hannah Banana (#8.5)" (2009)
Jake Tucker: Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet!
Tom Tucker: I do not care son. I just do not care!

"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
[first lines]
Joyce Kinney: And we're back with our coverage of the Quahog Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Tom Tucker: Happy Turkey Day, Quahog. This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney live at the parade. We've got some on-and-off drizzle here today and we're a little wet, as you can see, because apparently there are no awnings that exist anywhere. There's your top news story right there: mysterious awning shortage ravages the northeast. But miraculously has not affected Channels Two or Six!
[camera pans over to both Channels Two and Six, both with awnings, the camera pans back to Tom and Joyce]
Tom Tucker: No, no, keep the camera over there. I want everyone to see it.
[camera goes back to Two and Six]
Tom Tucker: This is why we're third!

"Family Guy: Padre de Familia (#6.6)" (2007)
Tom Tucker: And here comes Oliver Stone. Here to promote his new movie, "Born on the Fourth of July 2: Born on the Fifth of July," which he promises to be even "July-i-er" than the first... A dangerously insane man, there.

"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High.
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex in lieu of traditional intercourse.
Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go black, you go deaf".

"Family Guy: Boys Do Cry (#5.15)" (2007)
Tom Tucker: Coming up, a local claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview here.
Redneck: I was about to bone my girlfriend, but suddenly she yelled. I looked up and it was Big Foot?
Tom Tucker: So what did you do after that?
Redneck: I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes went crazy and she said there was no way.

"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Tom Tucker: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."

"Family Guy: Ready, Willing and Disabled (#3.15)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.
[puts the tape into the VCR]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!
[cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground]
Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now!
Peter Griffin: There you have it.
Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame
[rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses]
Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car.
Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook.
Tom Tucker: Get out.

"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face.
[Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief]
Tom Tucker: It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake?
Jake Tucker: Yeah!

"Family Guy: The King Is Dead (#2.7)" (2000)
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons: [sighs] Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

"Family Guy: And I'm Joyce Kinney (#9.9)" (2011)
Tom Tucker: Holy shit that just turned out, awful. Joyce, do your thing.
Joyce Kinney: Thanks, Tom. Pornography, the very word conjures up the images and red light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn of the century pornograph machine.
Early pornographer: Whoahoho, Sweet Mary!
Joyce Kinney: But it seems pornography has found our way to its neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s.