Mayor Adam West
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Quotes for
Mayor Adam West (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Admiral Motti: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic. Terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?
Admiral Motti: N... no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Admiral Motti: No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh, okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask what's the 0.01?
Admiral Motti: Well, I mean, there's this little hole. It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect. And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then.
Admiral Motti: No, no, the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Admiral Motti: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench. It's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Admiral Motti: Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset. The value is only going to go up.
Admiral Motti: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale. Nor has it...
Stewie (Darth Vader): [Vader begins to choke him] I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location! Twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Admiral Motti: [choking] There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him!
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish.
[releases Tagge]
Stewie (Darth Vader): All right, so were' going to plug up that hole?
Imperial Officer: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Ehhhh...
Imperial Officer: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun on your home planet of Alderaan.
Lois (Princess Leia): No!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): [to Vader] She said no. Should we still do it?
Stewie (Darth Vader): ...Yeah.

"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Mayor Adam West: Jem, you are outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous...

Mayor Adam West: Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided ME.

"Family Guy: Brothers & Sisters (#9.15)" (2011)
Mayor Adam West: We'd best get inside before the local Nobleman asserts his right of Prima Nocte.
British Nobleman: [On horseback] Aha! I must bless this union with my soggy penis!
Mayor Adam West: Oh no, he's here! Run!
[the nobleman starts chasing them around the front lawn]
British Nobleman: Come hither that I may sire upon you a dreary Brit!

[Doorbell rings, Lois answers the door]
Lois Griffin: Mayor West? What are you doing here?
Mayor Adam West: I'm being a rascal and ringing people's doorbells and running away.
Lois Griffin: Then what are you still doing here?
Mayor Adam West: It's my first house. I'm not very good at this.

"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: Well how about you just give me your pen?
Adam West: You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Adam West: No!

Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Mom (#13.10)" (2015)
Judge: Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one, but that doesn't excuse your actions. I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison.
Crystal Quagmire: [comes into the courtroom] Oh, no you don't!
Glenn Quagmire: Mom?
Other men in the courtroom: Crystal?
Mayor Adam West: Ha! She's enjoyed many men.

"Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One (#5.17)" (2007)
Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West: I see.
Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well, that's just silly!
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.

"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Joe Swanson: [after Kevin explains how he faked his death and went AWOL] How could you do that?
Mayor Adam West: Coward!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Traitor!
Chris Griffin: If *you* think I'm gonna masturbate after *this* tonight, you're right!

"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Mayor Adam West: Prepare to meet your maker at the hand of my cat launcher.

"Family Guy: PTV (#4.14)" (2005)
FCC officer: [at a urinal] Two shakes, that's it. Move along.
Adam West: Thank you, tinkle fairy.

"Family Guy: Encyclopedia Griffin (#13.11)" (2015)
Mayor Adam West: You were set up too, huh?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Mayor Adam West: You realize that kid is plowing both our wives right now.

"Family Guy: Wasted Talent (#2.20)" (2000)
Mayor Adam West: All right, listen to me you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.

"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /

"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Adam West: Want some corn?
Brian Griffin: Sure.
[Brian reaches into the bag, but withdraws when his paw becomes sticky with a viscous substance]
Brian Griffin: What kind of corn is this?
Adam West: Creamed corn, I brought it from home. I don't like the corn they have here, it's too crunchy.

"Family Guy: Brian's Play (#11.10)" (2013)
Mayor Adam West: Excuse me, that's my seat.
[takes the seat out of the theater]
Mayor Adam West: We'll talk about this at home.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Tricia Takanawa: Here comes Mayor Adam West himself. Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Mayor Adam West: Yes: box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- no I take that one back. I'm gonna hold on to that one.
Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Mayor West.

"Family Guy: I Take Thee, Quagmire (#4.21)" (2006)
Brian Griffin: Well, I guess that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen on a gameshow. Remember that time Mayor Adam West appeared on Jeopardy?
Alex Trebek: Alright players, the answer is, "It was the first spacecraft on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response?
[West reveals that he has written "Kebert Xela" as his answer]
Alex Trebek: Kebert Xela.
[There is a flash of light, and Trebek vanishes with a scream. The other contestants look shocked]
Mayor Adam West: Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the Fifth Dimension, where he belongs.

"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!