Meg Griffin
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Quotes for
Meg Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Guy: Don't Make Me Over (#4.4)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: I got a makeover, dad. Don't I look great?
Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you looked beautiful just the way...
[breaks into laughter]
Peter Griffin: Couldn't do that with a straight face! Oh, welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.

Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass.
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything.
Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way.
Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.

[Meg just had sex with Jimmy Fallon]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Jimmy, that was everything Ladies' Home Journal said it would be.

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy!
Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!

Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?
Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman.
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff...
[pauses]
Peter Griffin: Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.

Lois Griffin: Oh, what about this, Meg? A pink baby-tee that says "Little Slut". That seems pretty hip.
Meg Griffin: I don't know if that's really me, Mom.
Lois Griffin: Well, they've got one that says "Porn Star" and another that says "Sperm Dumpster". And they're all written in glitter.
Meg Griffin: All right, all right. Give me "Sperm Dumpster".

Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.


"Family Guy: Seahorse Seashell Party (#10.2)" (2011)
Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
[Brian's lapping stops]
Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.

Lois Griffin: Look, the bottom line here Meg is that you're just taking your own problems out on everyone else.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my problems? Oh, I see. Is this coming from my role-model mother? The shoplifter, the drug addict, the pornstar, the whore who let Gene Simmons and Bill Clinton go to town on her?
Lois Griffin: [scoffs] So what? A... all those things are behind me now. I'm a better person now because of those experiences
Meg Griffin: Are you? Are you a better person?
Lois Griffin: What's your point, Meg?
Meg Griffin: My point is that with all the irresponsible, reckless, idiotic behavior in your past, that somehow, heh, somehow you have the nerve, the arrogance to consistently and ruthlessly point out my shortcomings.
Lois Griffin: Alright, well fine! Okay, I'm not the perfect mother; who is?
Meg Griffin: [chuckles] Not only are you not the perfect mother, you're the farthest thing from! From the moment you gave birth to me, I had to trust you. I had no choice. I needed you to protect me from the world to, to be my guide, to help me navigate the difficult, confusing, and vulnerable journey to becoming a person. You have done NONE of those things! You're my mother and you took a child's trust and smashed it into bits in a seventeen-year long mission to destroy something that you killed a long time ago! And honestly, when I turn eighteen, I... I don't know that I ever want to see you again!
[Lois' lips quiver, then she cries]
Stewie Griffin: [looking at his phone] Oh, wow, everybody's already Twitting "Stewie Just Said That".
Lois Griffin: Ugh, you're right. You're right, I'm a terrible mother! I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Meg! Can you, ever forgive me? Oh, God!
[Lois sits down in a chair crying as Peter whispers something in Meg's ear]
Meg Griffin: And you never let dad stir the paint anymore... whatever that means.
Peter Griffin: I didn't know you knew that, Meg, but I'm glad you brought it up.

Meg Griffin: You are completely selfish, and totally irresponsible as a father.
Peter Griffin: All right, I see what's going on here. You're in love with your old man.
Meg Griffin: You have no education, you have no interests, you just do whatever reckless thing you want to do, whenever you want to do it, without regard for anyone else. Oh, oh, oh, and when you're not terrorizing the community with your impulsive escapades, you're being a total jerk to your family! You shove your daughter's face in your ass and you fart on it!
[Peter giggles]
Meg Griffin: God, if someone in the outside world could see the way you treat me, you would be in jail!
[Peter laughs again and Meg fake laughs in return]
Meg Griffin: Oh, this is amusing to you? Well, see if you find this funny!
Peter Griffin: I like where this is going.
Meg Griffin: You're a fat, lazy, abusive, blue-collar, Irish-Catholic dad who drinks WAY too much, and barely makes enough to support his family! You've lived half your life, and you have nothing to show for it! Your only arguable accomplishments are your kids, and look at us! We're a disaster!
Lois Griffin: Meg, watch it.
Meg Griffin: You're a total and complete embarrassment in every possible way! Take a good look at yourself Peter Griffin! You're a waste of a man!
Peter Griffin: Wait a second, these are criticisms! Hey Lois, tell her to knock it off!
Lois Griffin: Oh, and where the hell were you when she was laying into me?
Peter Griffin: I was thinking about getting a fancy cane, maybe getting more attention from strangers.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!
[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Chris Griffin: WHY DON'T WE EVER GET ANY GOOD FOOD?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!
[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]
Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him.
[picks up Stewie]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Brian Griffin: Hey. What's goin' on? You know, that was, uh, that was pretty cool the way you finally stood up to everybody.
Meg Griffin: [sighs] I don't know, Brian. I mean, I, I meant every word of it, but you saw what happened.
Brian Griffin: What do you mean?
Meg Griffin: They all turned on each other like a pack of wolves.
Brian Griffin: Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Meg Griffin: Do you think it's possible that that this family can't survive without some sort of lightning rod to absorb all the dysfunction?
Brian Griffin: Well, that's a that's a theory, I guess.
Meg Griffin: I mean it's not ideal, but it's an important piece that maybe it's just my lot in life to provide. Maybe if I feel bad, they don't have to.
Brian Griffin: Wow. You know, that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg. You know, I think you might be the strongest person in this house.
Meg Griffin: You mean that, Brian?
Brian Griffin: Absolutely.

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.
[Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/]
Peter Griffin: Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!


"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Meg Griffin: Oh my God! I'm missing the news!
Peter Griffin: We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, we have to learn to be patient.

Neil Goldman: [to the other students] What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek season 1, episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubins. Let's watch.
[he plays a video of Captain Kirk fighting a monster]
Neil Goldman: [commenting over the scene as it cuts to different shots] That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner. And that's Lubins. That's Shatner. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubins' coffee cup sitting on that rock!
Meg Griffin: [to girl sitting next to her] He is the biggest dork on the planet!
Girl: Oh, totally.
Neil Goldman: And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions?
[goes up to Meg and leans close to her face]
Neil Goldman: [lustfully] Me-e-eg?
Meg Griffin: [recoiling] No! Leave me alone!
Teacher: Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.

Meg Griffin: [Neil snatches her clipboard off her] Give it to me!
Neil Goldman: What's that?
Meg Griffin: Give it to me, Neil!
[he pulls out a tape recorder and plays it back]
Meg Griffin: [on tape] Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
Neil Goldman: Yeah. That'll work just fine.

Tom Tucker: Hey, look who's here, Diane, it's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?
Meg Griffin: I sure did, Mr. Tucker!
Diane Simmons: Great, cos you two are gonna have so much fun!
Tom Tucker: [through the side of his mouth] Don't act any cheerier, Diane, you'll give us all diabetes.
Diane Simmons: [through the side of her mouth] Bite me, Tom.

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
[Peter and Lois don't say anything]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts!
[still Peter and Lois say nothing]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me!
[she runs upstairs]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?


"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, idiot!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.

Peter Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!
Agent Jessup: Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Agent Jessup: Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: Finally!

Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
[he leaves]
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?


"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie D'Amico: Excuse me?
Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go.
Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?

Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile.
[uses the H in "while"]
Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say?
Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile."
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: A wHile.
Brian Griffin: A while.
Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd.
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!

Meg Griffin: Hey Brian!
Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all.
Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie.
Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there?
Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair.
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you?


"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home!
[she looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're... that fat guy from _Boogie Nights And you're the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
[nasally laugh]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, I do not sound like that. Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we lost our daughter!

Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin: I quit!

Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?

Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.


"Family Guy: The Thin White Line (#3.1)" (2001)
Stewie Griffin: [Coked-out Brian comes home with a hooker] Oh, good, Fido McCoke-fiend is home.
Brian Griffin: Everybody, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: Hey, how 'bout a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!

[Brian is addicted to cocaine]
Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!

Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina.
Meg Griffin: What happened to you?
Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?


"Family Guy: Peter's Two Dads (#5.10)" (2007)
Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?
Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg Griffin: That's not right.
Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?
Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?
Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!
[leaves]
Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.

Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead.
Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.
Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy.
Lois Griffin: Excuse us.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back.
[Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside]
Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him.
Brian Griffin: Tragic.


"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Meg Griffin: I love you, Jesus!
Jesus Christ: I love you too, fella.

Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.
Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him.
Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.
Lois Griffin: What?
Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois.
Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad?
Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard?
Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
[Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"]


"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?

Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin: Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin: Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin: Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin: God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin: Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!


"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!

Peter Griffin: We have 3 boys for Family Fued.
Meg Griffin: But I'm not a...
Peter Griffin: Shutup Greg.


"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
[Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'

[on being President of the tobacco company]
Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!


"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom, I can't clean - I got stuff to do!
Lois Griffin: Sweetheart, we all know you don't have any stuff to do.

Lois Griffin: Oh look, Meg, it's your little baby booties, oh and your little bronzed hat, and your tail.
Meg Griffin: My what?
Lois Griffin: Nothing.


"Family Guy: Trading Places (#9.13)" (2011)
[after Chris ruins Peter's bike]
Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

Meg Griffin: [smugly] Seems like the kids are doing pretty well at this grown-up thing, huh? I would suggest that you suck that.


"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead Lois!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, okay, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Lois look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Lois back away slowly]

Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.


"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.


"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
[the family is relocated to a small house in the South]
Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here?
Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.

Meg Griffin: [opening the closet door] Someone's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin: You suck!
[slams the closet door shut]


"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room!
Chris Griffin: I thought that was just when you were asleep.

Stewie Griffin: Stupid, greedy savages!
Lois Griffin: Stewie! That's a terrible thing to say.
[background fades to black]
Lois Griffin: This one particular tribe has lost their way, but most Native Americans are proud, hard-working people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly NOT savages.
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy, like the dirty Mexicans.
[background fades to black]
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha! Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Meg Griffin: Yeah, not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes.
[background fades to black]
Meg Griffin: Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
['The More You Know' logo appears]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, which is more than we ever got from those free-loading Canadians.
[background fades to black]
Peter Griffin: Canada sucks!


"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
Meg Griffin: Supervisor?
Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning.
Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning!
Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job!
Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?"
Meg Griffin: No.
Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair!
Carl: Alright, then... you're fired.
Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca...
[cries and runs off screen]
Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying.
Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu?
Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot.
Carl: I don't see hard films.
Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes.
Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?"
Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah.
Carl: She was in that.
Chris Griffin: She... was in that.
Carl: Yeah.

Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race!
Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too.
Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met!
Carl: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me.
Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy!
Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them.
[elbows Chris]
Carl: Chris...
Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves]
Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?"
Chris Griffin: No.
Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie.
Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?
Carl: No.
Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?
Carl: Wow... you're smart.
Chris Griffin: Wha... What?


"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
Meg Griffin: No offence Mr. Herbert but I'm a seventeen year old girl and I dont need you here.
Herbert: Well no offence to you to Meg but you're a seventeen year old girl and I don't need you here.


"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch!


"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.


"Family Guy: The Peanut Butter Kid (#14.11)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Hey, God. It's the Griffins. Again, we are very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death. But we still want a snowmobile.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin, Meg Griffin, Chris Griffin, Stewie Griffin: Amen.


"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish?
Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do.
Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not.


"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.


"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Dr. Elmer Hartman: Well, Mrs. Griffin, you rest up for a few days and you'll be just fine.
Lois Griffin: Thank you, doctor. I've realized now that eating is not the way to solve my problems. You hear that, Meg?
Meg Griffin: For your information, mom, I don't eat to solve my problems. I cut myself. Is that better?


"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
Meg Griffin as Giant Space Slug: How come I never have any lines in these things?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Shut up, Meg.


"Family Guy: Foreign Affairs (#9.17)" (2011)
Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
Chris Griffin: No idea.
Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
Chris Griffin: What is that?
Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
Chris Griffin: No!
Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
Chris Griffin: Stop!
Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
Chris Griffin: DAD!
Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.


"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Man: Mayor West asked me to give you this.
[the man hands Meg a bomb, which explodes and makes Meg's beak be on her face backward]
Meg Griffin: [Putting her beak back on the right way] Of course you realize, this means war.


"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Meg Griffin: Mr. Fatass and his drunk friends left me at the skating rink.


"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Meg Griffin: I like the outfit you have on.
Dan Quagmire: Thank you, Meg. Who did your procedure?
Meg Griffin: Wow. You just burned your last friend in this room, lady.


"Family Guy: Prick Up Your Ears (#5.6)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk.
[gasps]
Meg Griffin: Mom!
[hides under the covers with Doug]
Lois Griffin: OH MY GOD! You kids were doing it... in the EAR!
Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with the Smuckers?
Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my crotch.


"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.


"Family Guy: Dammit Janet (#2.15)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.


"Family Guy: Love Thy Trophy (#2.5)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?


"Family Guy: Chap Stewie (#12.21)" (2014)
Meg Griffin: [enters the living room] What's all that noise?
[sees Stewie upset]
Meg Griffin: Aw, do you want a hug from your big sister?
[picks Stewie up and is headbutted]
Meg Griffin: Ow!


"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?
[farts, and his eye turns dark red]
Stewie Griffin: AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!


"Family Guy: Dial Meg for Murder (#8.11)" (2010)
Meg Griffin: [Deep gruff voice] You're all my bitches now!
Stewie Griffin: ...ok


"Family Guy: A Picture Is Worth 1,000 Bucks (#2.11)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
[laughs nervously]
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
[spits]
Big Bird: bitch.


"Family Guy: The Splendid Source (#8.19)" (2010)
[Extended DVD scene]
Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.


"Family Guy: Partial Terms of Endearment (#8.21)" (2010)
[Meg offers to host the baby]
Meg Griffin: I can do it!
Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT?
Lois Griffin: I'm kidding.
Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool!


"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /


"Family Guy: April in Quahog (#8.16)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: So what do we got? Pancakes? Cool. What's on tap for school today, kids?
Meg Griffin: Shut up, dad.
Peter Griffin: Whatever.


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!


"Family Guy: Peter's Got Woods (#4.11)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam?
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date.
[in surprise, Peter spits out his milk all over Meg]
Meg Griffin: Dad!
Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me.
Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady?
Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks.
Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
[Peter spits out his milk a second time, again all over Meg]


"Family Guy: Death Is a Bitch (#2.6)" (2000)
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.


"Family Guy: And the Wiener Is... (#3.5)" (2001)
Meg Griffin: [after getting humiliated by Connie] Mom, you were right! I should have just stuck to the plan.
Lois Griffin: Well, I figured you might get soft on me, so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
[Connie's front doorbell rings]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there, sweetie. How old are you?
Connie D'Amico: Sixteen.
Glen Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first.
Connie D'Amico: [calling offscreen] Mom!
Glen Quagmire: I like where this is going. Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy.


"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: The end. And that's the final chapter in the Star Wars saga.
Meg Griffin: What about the prequels?
Peter Griffin: I think the Cleveland Show is gonna do those.


"Family Guy: Brian: Portrait of a Dog (#1.7)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!


"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Meg Griffin: I MATTER!
Peter Griffin: Shut up, Meg, you don't matter!


"Family Guy: The Heartbreak Dog (#14.16)" (2016)
Principal Shepherd: Good morning, children. It's that time of the year again to fullfill your community service requirements by signing up for volunteer work.
Meg Griffin: Do we get to choose our own jobs?
Principal Shepherd: No, nonono. The jobs will be assigned randomly, but the cooler and prettier students have the better jobs. For instance, blond chick on third row will wash my car this afternoon. While *Little Miss Frumpkin* with all the questions will work in an old folks home.
Meg Griffin: Is Frumpkin good?
Principal Shepherd: [chuckles] NO, no.


Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.


"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.


"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: Meg won't stop pushing me!
Meg Griffin: Like I could, fat ass!
Chris Griffin: I'm not fat, I'm Rubenesque!


"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever.
Peter Griffin: Oh no you're not honey. What about that fat girl from the Judds?


"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [watching the election debate between his parents on TV] Go Dad!
Meg Griffin: He can't hear you.
Chris Griffin: [shouting] GO DAD!


"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
[last lines]
Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again?
Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie.
Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal.
[the horse crashes through a window and lands on the table]
Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!


"Family Guy: Peter's Sister (#14.6)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: Any flyers of Hispanic women running for city council?
Meg Griffin: [surprised] Yeah, there is!
Chris Griffin: Thank you.


"Family Guy: Viewer Mail #2 (#10.22)" (2012)
Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags
[throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims
[emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?


"Family Guy: Amish Guy (#10.7)" (2011)
Eli: [listening to an iPhone] Who is she?
Meg Griffin: It's Avril Lavigne.
Eli: Why does she shout at me?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, she does that.


"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here!
[pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.


"Family Guy: Untitled Griffin Family History (#4.27)" (2006)
Meg Griffin: So... is, uh, is this like the part where you guys have your way with me?
Robber 1: What...?
Meg Griffin: You know, where I'm like helpless, and you guys take turns... you know?
Robber 1: OH, NO! Oh, God! Oh, no, no no no!
Robber 2: [from another room] What'd she say?
Robber 1: She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
Robber 2: Ewww!
Meg Griffin: No, seriously, I won't scream or anything.
[leans in for a kiss]
Robber 1: No! No, I, I... no, no sale!
Meg Griffin: [jumps on him on the floor] C'mon! I'm pretty!
[Robber 1 screams and hides behind robber 2, who has entered the room]
Robber 2: Are you okay?
Robber 1: Yeah, I was so scared.


"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!


"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Meg Griffin: I want to be a vet when I grow up.
Peter Griffin: Meg, we have been over this before. You are going to gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty Fan Fiction.


"Family Guy: Breaking Out Is Hard to Do (#4.9)" (2005)
Peter Griffin: Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders...
Peter Griffin: [Points at Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
[Points at another Asian guy]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies.
[to Peter]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethan Hawke.
Peter Griffin: Uh,no i'm not.
Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake.
Jackie Chan: [At Chris]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Ethan Hawke.
Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go get some food?
Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle.
Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy.
Jackie Chan: Yes you are!


"Family Guy: Hot Pocket-Dial (#14.7)" (2015)
Meg Griffin: [while Peter and Quagmire are fighting] Kill him, dad! MURDER HIM!