Chris Griffin
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Quotes for
Chris Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1998)

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"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Scott: [grunts and pushes Chris]
Pignose: He doesn't like you.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Sorry.
Pignose: I don't like you either!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't even know me!
Pignose: You know what? That's fair. I'm Pignose and this is my brother-in-law Scott. He's visiting from Hoth.
Scott: I don't know why they call it Hoth, they should call it "Coldth".
Pignose: Okay settle down.
Scott: I'm up after the band.

Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millennium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you. This was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Is it a fast ship?
Peter (Han Solo): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, what the Phantom Menace is that guy's problem?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): [Luke destroys a TIE Fighter] I got one! I got one!
Peter (Han Solo): Great kid! Don't get penis-y!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!

Peter (Han Solo): We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose'em.
[the Falcon starts listing lazily to the left]
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Uh, that was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse'em.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
Imperial Officer 1: Where did they go?
Imperial Officer 2: There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!
Imperial Officer 1: Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): I can't believe he's gone.
Lois (Princess Leia): I know, Luke. But it's true. He's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading. But to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han Solo): A nickel for every time I had that problem.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a douche. But yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion whether you like it or not.
Barbara Pewterschmidt (Aunt Beru): Over my burnt carcass.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Peter (Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche, but yeah.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, you mean the thing you just found out about three hours ago and are now judging *me* for not believing in?

Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, who are you?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah! Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: All right. Is this thing good to go?
Medical Droid: [censored version] Wow, you're a hard guy to get compliment from!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Just like new. How about you, Dack?
Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one.
Dack: You know it, bitches!
[Dack flies off into space to face a fleet of Star Destroyers]
Dack: Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: All right. Is this thing good to go?
Medical Droid: Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I would give my right hand for this day to just end.

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [Hanging from the roof of the Wampa cave, Luke tries to reach his lightsaber] Damm these stubby arms!
[the lightsaber flies into his hand, the blade ignites, and Luke falls head first in the snow on the floor, with his feet still trapped in ice]
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well this is no better!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wait a minute - is this how it ends?

"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, you have a sister.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: A sister? Who is it?
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Who the hell you think it is? Who's the only damn woman in the galaxy?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Leia!

Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Oh, Luke! Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Yeah, about 10 minutes ago!
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Just so you know, the compartment I keep your lightsaber is in my rectum.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father?
Carl as Yoda: Yeah, it's either Darth Vader or Paul Reiser, but they don't want to know which one is your real father, so, they're gonna raise you together.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh! Can you play the theme from E.T., John Williams?
John Williams: No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: How are we gonna get out of here?
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going. You hate me now? Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I've seen a lot of ships get blown up. It's no big deal.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, I guess that wouldn't get under my skin, either. Not the way Seth Green gets under my skin.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Huh?
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way. I mean, has he ever made anything successful? Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was successful.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody watched that show.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Yeah, I never caught it.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Power movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, looks go see that new Austin Powers, Seth's Green's in it"?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show he was playing himself, an asshole.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.

"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.

Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here!
[pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.

Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.

Chris Griffin: [after eating vegetables] It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past its prime!

Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!

Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin: [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.

"Family Guy: Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date (#15.5)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: Some animals give me boners.

Chris Griffin: Taylor, this is our sister, Meg and our dog, Brian.
Taylor Swift: Nice to meet you both.
Meg Griffin: We're not all so impressed. I've met Dan Aykroyd.
Brian Griffin: I'm sorry, uh, which cast member of "Hee Haw" are you?
Stewie Griffin: [runs up to Meg and Brian and starts beating them with the tape measure] WILL YOU BE NICE?

Taylor Swift: [When Chris, Brian and Stewie appear in Taylor Swift's house] Hi, Taylor.
Taylor Swift: Chris? What are you guys doing here?
Chris Griffin: I wanted to talk to you.
Stewie Griffin: Your house is way nicer than Anne Murray's. We broke in there too.

Stewie Griffin: [to Chris] You've just gotta do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off.
Chris Griffin: Who's Taylor Swift?
Stewie Griffin: [pauses in shock] Oh my God! Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?
Chris Griffin: What is she, a singer?
Stewie Griffin: She's much more than a singer, Chris. She's... she's... she's the queen! A goddess! A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit!

"Family Guy: Seahorse Seashell Party (#10.2)" (2011)
Chris Griffin: Look, Meg, I don't know what your problem is. I thought Dad's humming was pretty entertaining.
Meg Griffin: You know what? This is what I'm talking about. This is a perfect example. You're my brother. You're supposed to be on my side, and you're such a bastard to me
Chris Griffin: HOW AM I A BASTARD?
Meg Griffin: Oh, you want the whole story?
Lois Griffin: Meg, please.
Meg Griffin: Not now, Mom.
Peter Griffin: [giggles] I think Brian's getting a little water in there.
Meg Griffin: Chris, you treat me like you hate me, and I don't know why. You say hurtful things to me constantly. Do you have any idea what that feels like? What if I said those things to you? What if I started calling you a fat, zitty loser, who has no friends and smells like an old woman who has birds for pets?
Peter Griffin: [giggles] Still drinkin'.
Meg Griffin: Is it too much to ask to be treated with a little decency from my brother? Maybe show me some kind of kindness by not jumping on the "Let's-Get-Meg" family bandwagon?
[Brian's lapping stops]
Peter Griffin: [disappointed] Aw.

Meg Griffin: Have either of you guys been listening to me? Do you both just have your heads up your asses?
Chris Griffin: Dad did. Look he has crap on his ear.
Peter Griffin: That's unrelated.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I don't like that language.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't like your cooking!
Lois Griffin: Well, I don't like having to literally empty the farts out of your pockets whenever I do your laundry!
Chris Griffin: You're the one who's always cooking Brussels sprouts and broccoli! It's like an Irish bar fight down there!
[cutaway to a piece of broccoli and a Brussels sprout fighting]

Peter Griffin: Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe wonder bread.
Lois Griffin: Well, then go live at Bonnie's house! Then I could finally sleep in and not have to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.!
Peter Griffin: My curiosity peaks in the morning!
Chris Griffin: You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
Peter Griffin: I don't see your name on 'em!
Chris Griffin: You don't even like 'em, but you know I do, and you don't want me to have 'em!
Lois Griffin: You know, I've never confronted you on it, but I've often thought the same thing, Peter
Meg Griffin: Yeah, that's exactly what he does, 'cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
Peter Griffin: You shut up! All of youse!
[runs upstairs, and then turns to the family with tears in his eyes]
Peter Griffin: I didn't ask to be in this family!
Lois Griffin: [sighs] I'll go get him.
[picks up Stewie]
Lois Griffin: Peter, you come back here!
Chris Griffin: [shouting at Meg] I faked all my orgasms!

Peter Griffin: Oh, hey, I got an idea. Let's have a sing-a-long. Okay, I'm gonna sing the opening chase music from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Feel free to join in.
[Indiana Jones score plays on his cell phone and Peter hums along until Meg opens a soda can/]
Peter Griffin: Dammit, Meg! Will you stop that? That is so annoying!
Meg Griffin: Oh that was annoying? What about your stupid, obnoxious humming?
Lois Griffin: Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, shut up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: No! You shut up, Chris! I am sick of all you guys ganging up on me! You guys all think you're so much better than me!

"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!

Meg Griffin: Supervisor?
Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning.
Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning!
Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job!
Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?"
Meg Griffin: No.
Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair!
Carl: Alright, then... you're fired.
Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca...
[cries and runs off screen]
Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying.
Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu?
Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot.
Carl: I don't see hard films.
Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes.
Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?"
Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah.
Carl: She was in that.
Chris Griffin: She... was in that.
Carl: Yeah.

Carl: Hey there buddy... check it out... I put a crawler in the Jerry's Kid's jar. I thought that'd be funny.
Chris Griffin: That is hilarious, but Carl, I want you to hire my sister back.
Carl: No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass... I don't want her back in here.
Chris Griffin: Well... that's a shame, 'cause I watched "Event Horizon" last night.
Carl: No way! We have to talk about it!
Chris Griffin: Well... uh... my memory's kinda hasty.
Carl: We have to talk about every scene... man! Hey, hey, hey... 'member when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode, wasn't that awesome! Please agree with me that that was awesome!
Chris Griffin: Well... maybe if you hired Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion.
Carl: SHE'S HIRED! What do ya' think of it?
Chris Griffin: It was AWESOME!
Carl: Wasn't it AWESOME!
Chris Griffin: It was totally AWESOME!

Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race!
Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too.
Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met!
Carl: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me.
Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy!
Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them.
[elbows Chris]
Carl: Chris...
Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves]
Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?"
Chris Griffin: No.
Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie.
Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?
Carl: No.
Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?
Carl: Wow... you're smart.
Chris Griffin: Wha... What?

"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris?
[holds out his test by her chest]
Chris Griffin: Two D's and an F.

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross?
[farts, and his eye turns dark red]

"Family Guy: Fresh Heir (#12.14)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: Hey, hey, Chris, how about you and me do a secret handshake that has way too many steps to remember, all right?
Chris Griffin: Okay.
Peter Griffin: Shake, bump, bump, slap, pinky hook, pretend to slick your hair back, represent, bump, one spin, slap high, slap low, reverse spin, bump, explode, shake, belly rub, fake yawn, finger gun, hitchhiker, hitchhiker, shimmy shimmy sham sham, shake, shake, shake, bump, something smells and shake again. Okay, ready?
[Chris is gone; looks out the window]
Peter Griffin: Oh, my God, it's night time.

Chris Griffin: [while Peter and Chris are watching "Meatballs"]
[to Peter]
Chris Griffin: Who's the guy?
Peter Griffin: That's not a guy. That's the hot chick!
Chris Griffin: Where are her boobs?
Peter Griffin: Flat with a decent face was the best we could hope for back then.

Peter Griffin: Chris Griffin, will you marry me?
Chris Griffin: What? Is it even legal for a man to marry his son?
Peter Griffin: It is in Vermont. As long as it's a man and a man, anything goes up there.

"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be Black and Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah. And now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.

Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin: Well eh the important thing is you tried, son.

"Family Guy: To Love and Die in Dixie (#3.12)" (2001)
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.

Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die?
Sam: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come.
Chris Griffin: UPN?

Barbara: I'm having a birthday party this Saturday and I'd like you to come.
Chris: Oh, no! Somebody just peed in my pants!

"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room!
Chris Griffin: I thought that was just when you were asleep.

Peter Griffin: I never knew anyone in this family had any talent, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris Griffin: You mean play the piano?
Peter Griffin: No, no, n... umm, yeah!

[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.

"Family Guy: He's Bla-ack! (#12.20)" (2014)
Chris Griffin: [as Donna spanks him] Ow! It hurts! It hurts! I can't believe Japanese men pay good money for this.
Japanese Businessman: At work, I am important businessman. Here, I am bad boy!

Chris Griffin: Mom's making me sleep in the basement.
Peter Griffin: Sleeping lower in the house is a big punishment for her.

Chris Griffin: [to Donna] Mrs. Brown? I want you to spank me again.

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Chris Griffin: Mom! Look at me!
[jumps in pool]
Chris Griffin: How was that?
Lois Griffin: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.
Chris Griffin: You were in the Olympics?
Lois Griffin: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Chris Griffin: Mom, Meg reckons Omar Sharif is dead but I think she thinking of Anthony Quinn.
Lois Griffin: Chris, your father and I are in the tub! And Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.

"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: [Looking at the Griffin family album] And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!
Lois Griffin: And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.
Chris Griffin: You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!

Chris Griffin: Meg won't stop pushing me!
Meg Griffin: Like I could, fat ass!
Chris Griffin: I'm not fat, I'm Rubenesque!

Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: See, Meg?
Chris Griffin: [shouts] I'm the favorite!

"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
[Herbert is reading Chris a bedtime story]
Chris Griffin: Are you a pedophile?

Herbert: Do you all know what day it is
Chris: No
Herbert: It's bath day
Chris: I dont wanna take a bath
Herbert: [laughing at Chris] not for you silly, it's bath day for me, but I can't wash myself, do you know anybody with a strong pair of young hands to help me in and out of the tub
Herbert: [meg washing him as herbert look and the camera dissapointingly] allllriggghttt

"Family Guy: The Peanut Butter Kid (#14.11)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Hey, God. It's the Griffins. Again, we are very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death. But we still want a snowmobile.
Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin, Meg Griffin, Chris Griffin, Stewie Griffin: Amen.

Lois Griffin: This is serious. We need to think about our kids' education. Of course, it's already too late for Meg to go to college and Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Stewie Griffin: No, Chris. Not yay.

"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
Chris Griffin: Yep.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
[short scene with Santa Claus]
Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.

[last lines]
Chris Griffin: Hey, Doc, what did you with my mom's fat?
Dr. Elmer Hartman: Oh, it's right here in the storage closet.
[Dr. Hartman opens the storage closet door; inside, Peter has his pants around his ankles, his leg wrapped around the bag of fat and is making out with it]
Peter Griffin: Uh... it's exactly what it looks like.

"Family Guy: Internal Affairs (#10.23)" (2012)
Lois Griffin: What a great day for Joe and Bonnie. This is Kevin's first birthday since he came home from Iraq.
Chris Griffin: Why does Kevin always sit at the bus stop, but never gets on a bus?
Lois Griffin: Please don't bring that up. Don't bring anything he does up.

Chris Griffin: Does the Swanson divorce mean that I have to go live with Grandma and Grandpa?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris, it does not. That doesn't even make any sense.

"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.

Meg Griffin: Jeff! What are you doing here? I'm not supposed to see you.
Jeff Campbell: Your parents invited me.
Meg Griffin: My parents? But they wouldn't...
Lois Griffin: [she and Peter stand naked nearby] Yes, we would.
Meg Griffin: Oh, my god! What are you doing?
Lois Griffin: We were wrong, Meg. If you like Jeff, we should give him a chance.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. We wanted him to feel welcome in our home.
Chris Griffin: [entering, also naked] Mom, I need new batteries for my Walkman. Hey! Why is everybody else naked?

"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, idiot!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Peter Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!
Agent Jessup: Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Agent Jessup: Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: Finally!

"Family Guy: Foreign Affairs (#9.17)" (2011)
Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
Chris Griffin: No idea.
Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
Chris Griffin: What is that?
Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
Chris Griffin: No!
Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
Chris Griffin: Stop!
Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
Chris Griffin: DAD!
Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.

Teacher: [turning around the class on his scooter, completely naked] This is what my class is all about! Learn with me, children! Let's teach each other!
Peter Griffin: [appearing in Chris' thought and whispering] Chris... you know this
Chris Griffin: [raising his hand] Sherman's March to the Seal!
Teacher: Yes! Finally someone gets it!
[crashes off screen]
Teacher: Ah! Fuck, children! My cock-sucking elbow! Oh, all the saints in Christendom! My elbow's shattered! Oh, it's shattered to fuck! Somebody get the nurse! Get that big, fucking black nurse! Oh, I'm so fucked!

"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

Chris Griffin: All right, Dad! Way to fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How do YOU know about the machine?

"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo.
Brian Griffin: Yes, yes it is.

[Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside]
Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter.
[Chris does]
Stewie Griffin: That's it, ring the bell!
[he does]
Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]

"Family Guy: Chris Cross (#11.13)" (2013)
Meg Griffin: Well, how about I promise not to tell mom and dad about the money, if you do whatever I say.
Chris Griffin: Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.

Chris Griffin: Ok Meg, I stood outside Planned Parenthood for 36 hours, and here are the pictures of every girl in your class who went in.
Meg Griffin: All right, good. Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby.

"Family Guy: Peter, Chris & Brian (#14.5)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: Apologies for being so tardy.
Peter Griffin: Aaw Chris you are not tardy, we tested you twice.

Chris Griffin: Why are you hocking tater-tots at a baby panda?
Peter Griffin: Because I'm oddly attracted to him and it frightens me.

"Family Guy: Chap Stewie (#12.21)" (2014)
Peter Griffin: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris Griffin: Where?
Peter Griffin: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep.
[Chris crashes into and breaks the TV]
Stewie Griffin: No!
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter Griffin: [smacking Lois with the mattress] Unga bunga!

Chris Griffin: It took three years, but I am finally through all that porn.

"Family Guy: Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure (#13.7)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: Screw you, Stewie. You are a jerk! And I'm gonna win that bowling tournament, with or without you!
Stewie Griffin: What does he... What? He doesn't even know what we're preparing him for!

Chris Griffin: [onboard of Titanic] This would make a great movie.

"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be...

Peter Griffin: I can't believe we lost the talent show. I wonder where we went wrong?
Chris Griffin: I think I can shed some light on that. You guys were so baked you didn't sound anywhere near as good as you thought you did. I was in the audience.
Lois Griffin: And here we thought the weed was inspiring us.
Chris Griffin: Well, that's a common misconception, Mom and Dad, but the fact is the chief ingredient in marijuana is THC - a mild form of acid, prolonged usage of which can cause adverse effects to your sexual potency, short-term memory loss and can also severely damage your brain tissue, central nervous system and basic motor skills. To put it simply, Mom and Dad, there's a reason they call it "dope".

"Family Guy: Cop and a Half-Wit (#15.15)" (2017)
Chris Griffin: Is that a Michael Sam jersey?
Stewie Griffin: Yep, two boy names. Doubly masculine.
Brian Griffin: Like George Michael?
Stewie Griffin: Shut up!
Brian Griffin: Come on, Stewie. Are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store, thinking you were a girl?
Chris Griffin: Elton John... is another.
Stewie Griffin: It has nothing to do with that, Brian. I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport. You know, like boys do.
Brian Griffin: You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.
Chris Griffin: Barney Frank... is yet another one.
Brian Griffin: Chris, please. Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin. There's a bunch of these.

Stewie Griffin: [after suffering a concussion] Is anybody gonna answer that telephone?
Chris Griffin: He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.
Brian Griffin: Well, at least he's talking again. I think that means he's getting better.
Stewie Griffin: Is it day or night? I don't... I don't care. I just wanna know. LOIS, ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!
Brian Griffin: No, no, no! We don't need Lois.
Brian Griffin: Chris, pretend to answer the phone.
Chris Griffin: Uh... uh, hello? Okay, yes, one second. MOM, IT'S FOR YOU!
Brian Griffin: What? No, damn it, Chris! Um, um... I'll take that. Hello, this is Brian Griffin. Actually, I already received The New York Times and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.
Chris Griffin: You're bragging to nobody?

"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: I think I made Brian crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition.
Alyssa: Oh, no. Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these.
[indicates her breasts]
Chris Griffin: Oh, boy. I gotta feeling that before the end of the day, I'm gonna be burying my dog.
Alyssa: Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs, let's start with that.

Chris Griffin: I'm gonna get to touch right-wing boob for this.

"Family Guy: Brian: Portrait of a Dog (#1.7)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?
[cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene]
Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen.
Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts?
Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray.
Brian Griffin: [gasp] You swear, you never speak of that.
[cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car]
Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned.
[Brian starts cleaning window]
Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez.
Brian Griffin: All set, sir.
Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry.
Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge.
Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.

Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans!
Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!

"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian: Ouch.

Chris Griffin: [chasing Meg around the house with a booger on his finger] What good is mining for nose gold if you can't share it with the townspeople?

"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: I was going to school, and this guy won't let me.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
[points to soldiers in street]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a good army.

Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.

"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?
Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.

"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Chris Griffin: It's cool dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win every time!

"Family Guy: Turkey Guys (#13.5)" (2014)
Chris Griffin: First I'm microwaving a kitten and now I'm holding a host!

Chris Griffin: Hi, Grandma. I got some down-there hair now. Want to see?

"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it.
Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.

Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
[leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin: I quit!

"Family Guy: The New Adventures of Old Tom (#14.18)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!
Brian Griffin: Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!
Chris Griffin: *Yeah*? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap *soon*, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!
Chris Griffin: SHUT UP, you unemployed buttmunch!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, he found a burn he likes.

"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"

"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.

"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [Peter returns from the women's retreat] Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian Griffin: Peter, you're...
Peter Griffin: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories! But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, Dad's a chick!

"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Chris Griffin: [after Dylan beats up the Evil Monkey] Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
[They Hug]

"Family Guy: Screwed the Pooch (#3.13)" (2001)
Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.

"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.
[He begins to talk like a film noir detective]
Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs]
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.

"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]

"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: This is like that show where there's two dads, except no one's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.

"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Herbert: Hey there, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?
Chris Griffin: Yep!
Herbert: You got anything that you used to wear in the summer time?
Chris Griffin: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.

"Family Guy: Thanksgiving (#10.6)" (2011)
Joe Swanson: [after Kevin explains how he faked his death and went AWOL] How could you do that?
Mayor Adam West: Coward!
Carter Pewterschmidt: Traitor!
Chris Griffin: If *you* think I'm gonna masturbate after *this* tonight, you're right!

"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]

"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]

"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
[the pig Peter and Bill Clinton stole rampages through the house]
Chris Griffin: Oh boy, a pig! Can we keep him? OWW, he bit me!

"Family Guy: Space Cadet (#11.9)" (2013)
Chris Griffin: Mom, I can handle space camp. I'm not stupid.
Peter Griffin: Well, regardless, on the way back we're stopping at that Down syndrome camp we passed.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that was the University of Florida.

"Family Guy: Quagmire's Dad (#8.18)" (2010)
Peter Griffin: Okay, you know what? Elephant in the room. I'll say it. So, Ida, do you miss your penis?
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Chris Griffin: Thank you for asking it.
Glenn Quagmire: Jeez.
Dan Quagmire: No, it's okay. It's a perfectly normal question. We can't sit here and just pretend everything's the same. It is a big transition for me, yes. But the answer is I still have it. They just turn it inside out to simulate a vagina.
Dan Quagmire: Come on, dad...
Stewie Griffin: Not a bad option to have in the back pocket.

"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [on the telephone] So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.

"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!

"Family Guy: Halloween on Spooner Street (#9.4)" (2010)
Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?

"Family Guy: Into Fat Air (#11.1)" (2012)
Chris Griffin: Yay! I drank seven cups of coffee at the Fishmans!

"Family Guy: Emmy-Winning Episode (#16.1)" (2017)
Chris Griffin: Bazinga, father. Assuming "father" is still the appropriate designation.
[he stares at him with a weird smirk]
Peter Griffin: What... what are you doing?
Chris Griffin: Waiting for the laugh to die down.

"Family Guy: High School English (#15.7)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: [During Of Mice and Men] While you're gone can I touch myself?
Stewie Griffin: Again, you don't have to schedule that with me.

"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
[Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'

"Family Guy: Fore, Father (#2.21)" (2000)
Stripper: How old are you?
Chris Griffin: Old enough to know you're a whore!
[the stripper takes Chris by the hand much to his surprise, The camera cuts to Quagmire who is excited watching another stripper dance]
Glen Quagmire: Whoa! Whoa ho-ho! Whoa ho-ho-ho ho-ho!
[Throws money around]
Stripper: [Bent over] Come on, talk to me, sweetie.
[slaps her bottom]
Stripper: You look a little down.
Chris Griffin: I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad. He doesn't have time for me.
Stripper: Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect
[takes off her top and spins it around]
Stripper: Your dad deserves another chance.
Chris Griffin: Wow! You are smart.

"Family Guy: Call Girl (#11.14)" (2013)
[the romance in Peter and Lois's relationship had been rekindled]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches!
Chris Griffin: [running out in disgust] Gross!
Peter Griffin: I'm gonna wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.
Meg Griffin: [also running out in disgust] Oh, my god!
Stewie Griffin: [Peter and Lois kiss on the couch] Can I interest you guys in a two and a quarter-way?

"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.

"Family Guy: Holy Crap (#2.2)" (1999)
Francis Griffin: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.

"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.

"Family Guy: Trading Places (#9.13)" (2011)
[after Chris ruins Peter's bike]
Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.

"Family Guy: Life of Brian (#12.6)" (2013)
Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all.
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead.
[the family hold each others hands and cry]

"Family Guy: Once Bitten (#13.15)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: You know, If I didn't know better I'd think that fish are ghosts and I'd also think that you're putting the moves on Meg.

"Family Guy: The Boys in the Band (#15.1)" (2016)
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's not a horse. Chris, what the hell is that?
Chris Griffin: Oh, this is Mr. Quagmire's horse gimp.
Lois Griffin: What is a horse gimp?
Chris Griffin: It's a sexual fetishist who derives erotic pleasure from dressing in horse-themed leather gear.

"Family Guy: The Splendid Source (#8.19)" (2010)
[Extended DVD scene]
Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.

"Family Guy: How the Griffin Stole Christmas (#15.9)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: Dad, look! Santa's here!
[gestures to a mall Santa]
Chris Griffin: I wanna sit on his lap.
Peter Griffin: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
Chris Griffin: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!

"Family Guy: Baby Not on Board (#7.4)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.

"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.

"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!

"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead Lois!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, okay, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Lois look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Lois back away slowly]

"Family Guy: Family Guy (#1.0)" (????)
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

"Family Guy: Family Guy Viewer Mail #1 (#3.21)" (2002)
Chris Griffin: Hector, how long have we known each other?
Hector: Since first grade.
Chris Griffin: Yeah.
Hector: Yeah.
Chris Griffin: You remember that time you called me "Chris Gristle"?
Hector: I think so.
Chris Griffin: Well, burn for it!
[sets Hector alight with his heat powers]

"Family Guy: German Guy (#9.11)" (2011)
Peter Griffin: Ok Chris, this is the gentle art of philately, otherwise known as stamp collecting. Here's a pile of stamps carefully collected from swap meets and garage sales.
Peter Griffin: [picks up a stamp] And look at this, it's a bolivian airplane. It says it's worth 8 cents, but really...
Peter Griffin: [briefly checks a book] It's worth 12. See that? Already ahead. And right out of the blocks with the winner here Chris.
Peter Griffin: [picks stamp up on puts it in the scrap book] Now we'll just paste this very carefully into the book. And that's where it belongs
Peter Griffin: [takes out a gun] Now this is a loaded handgun.
Peter Griffin: [puts gun to his head] Now what we're gonna do is kill ourselves because this is horrible.
Chris Griffin: Couldn't we just stop philately?
Peter Griffin: Too late.
[shoots himself]

"Family Guy: The Giggity Wife (#11.11)" (2013)
Chris Griffin: [Speaking to Charmese] I have 3 dollars and 74 cents, do something to me.
[Charmese spits in Chris's face]
Chris Griffin: I love you. I want to take you away from all of this.

"Family Guy: Stew-Roids (#7.13)" (2009)
[while applying lipstick as "Goodbye Horses" plays in the background]
Chris Griffin: Would you do me? I'd do me. I'd do me so hard.

"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.

"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
[last lines]
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]

"Family Guy: The Simpsons Guy (#13.1)" (2014)
Chris Griffin: Dad, how long until we can go back home?
Peter Griffin: Um, I don't know. How long do women hold grudges? Not very long, I'm guessing.

"Family Guy: Hot Shots (#15.6)" (2016)
Peter Griffin: Who's up for another game of hot breath telephone?
[whispers something in Chris' ear]
Chris Griffin: [yells] We're all gonna die!
Peter Griffin: Chris, you're supposed to whisper that to the next person.

"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Principal Shepard: Chris Griffin... you are expelled from James Wood High
Chris Griffin: But if I leave now, I won't find out who the dumbest kid in School is!

"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Chris Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!

"Family Guy: Secondhand Spoke (#12.15)" (2014)
Stewie Griffin: [to Chris] You know, the way those kids were picking on you today in school. You really got to stand up for yourself.
Chris Griffin: Stewie, it's not so easy. What would you say if I said, "Hey there, shorty"?
Stewie Griffin: I'd say, "Have another doughnut, you albino gorilla."
Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, you have a sister as well.

"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [watching the election debate between his parents on TV] Go Dad!
Meg Griffin: He can't hear you.
Chris Griffin: [shouting] GO DAD!

"Family Guy: Family Gay (#7.8)" (2009)
Chris Griffin: [while doing his homework] Darn it!
Peter Griffin: [comes into Chris' room] Knock, knock. What's the problem, champ?
Chris Griffin: Why is math so hard?
Peter Griffin: You know, it doesn't have to be. One trick I used is turning things into a word problem. For example, if there are three glory holes in the bathroom at the club and 28 guys at the circuit party how many rotations of guys will it take before everybody's had a turn?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Nine with a remainder of Brent.
Chris Griffin: Oh.
Peter Griffin: [sings] Because Brent can't fit in the glory hole and that's why we all like Brent.
[raspberries twice]

"Family Guy: The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou (#5.11)" (2007)
Chris Griffin: Dad, you can't hit him!
Randy Fulcher: Yeah. I have M.S.
Peter Griffin: You hear that, son? He has monkey scrotum and is bragging about it.

"Family Guy: Peter's Sister (#14.6)" (2015)
Chris Griffin: Any flyers of Hispanic women running for city council?
Meg Griffin: [surprised] Yeah, there is!
Chris Griffin: Thank you.

"Family Guy: Viewer Mail #2 (#10.22)" (2012)
Lois Griffin: [in an English accent like everyone else in the family except for Stewie who talks in a Kansas-like accent; Brian is a horse] All right, kids, enough telly. I hope everyone's peckish for some boiled lamb shank.
Peter Griffin: None for me, Lydia. I'm meeting me mates down at the pub.
Lois Griffin: Again? But Neville, you spend all your time down at the Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock.
Peter Griffin: And that's where you're wrong. The Fox and Pig and Dog and Wolf and Cat and Fiddle and Whistle and Cock is for tossers. We're meeting at the Dog and Cat and Bull and Whistle and Fiddle and Cock and Pig and Wolf and Carriage and Fife and Other Wolf.
Lois Griffin: But I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth. I found him with another fag in his mouth this morning.
Peter Griffin: [to Chris] Oh, is that right? So you fancy fags, do you? Well, here... have a whole carton of fags
[throws a carton of cigarettes at Chris' lap]
Chris Griffin: I just want a comely lass to look upon me with favour.
Meg Griffin: I look on you with favour. I look on all of you with favour.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, British Meg.
Stewie Griffin: Look at Lydia. What a two-bit Wichita whore. One of these days she's gonna wake up killed.
Brian Griffin: Oh, matricide. Yet another of your childhood whims
[emphasising on the H]
Stewie Griffin: No, it ain't. I'm gonna follow through with... wait, why'd you say it like that?

"Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!

"Family Guy: Fat Guy Strangler (#4.17)" (2005)
Meg Griffin: I miss Uncle Patrick
Lois Griffin: Don't worry kids, we'll visit him once a month.
Chris Griffin: We'll be his period.

"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my imaginary friend Captain Sprock!

"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!

"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Chris Griffin: [Chris and Anna are on their first date] You know Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. And now, all I wanna do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see. Or, that you'll see my scrotum and see that it has a seam on it and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened and...
Anna: [places a finger on Chris' lips] Chris, I like you.
[kisses him]
Anna: You don't have to try so hard.
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.

"Family Guy: Dearly Deported (#15.19)" (2017)
Chris Griffin: [when somebody throws rocks on his window] Go away, Mr. Herbert!
John Herbert: It's not me, I'm in your closet.

"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]

"Family Guy: Bookie of the Year (#15.2)" (2016)
Chris Griffin: Oh hey, fellow teens. Wait a minute... Teens don't have wheelchairs!
[Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe beat him down with baseball bats]