Chris Griffin
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Quotes for
Chris Griffin (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Family Guy: Blue Harvest (#6.1)" (2007)
Scott: [grunts and pushes Chris]
Pignose: He doesn't like you.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Sorry.
Pignose: I don't like you either!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't even know me!
Pignose: You know what? That's fair. I'm Pignose and this is my brother-in-law Scott. He's visiting from Hoth.
Scott: I don't know why they call it Hoth, they should call it "Coldth".
Pignose: Okay settle down.
Scott: I'm up after the band.

Peter (Han Solo): [about the Millennium Falcon] Well, what do you think?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): What a piece of junk!
Peter (Han Solo): Thank you. This was my brother's. He died of leukemia. How do you feel now?

Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I guess I'll go bullseye some womp rats in my T-16.
Quagmire (C-3PO): My God! You shoot small animals for fun? That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak!
Chris (Luke Skywalker): There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Is it a fast ship?
Peter (Han Solo): Are you kidding? It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, what the Phantom Menace is that guy's problem?

Chris (Luke Skywalker): [Luke destroys a TIE Fighter] I got one! I got one!
Peter (Han Solo): Great kid! Don't get penis-y!

Chris (Luke Skywalker): John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!

Peter (Han Solo): We'll be safe enough once we make the jump to hyperspace. Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose'em.
[the Falcon starts listing lazily to the left]
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Uh, that was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were, huh? That ought to confuse'em.
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but you hardly did anything. You just started listing lazily to the left. I'm pretty sure they can keep up.
Imperial Officer 1: Where did they go?
Imperial Officer 2: There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!
Imperial Officer 1: Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): I can't believe he's gone.
Lois (Princess Leia): I know, Luke. But it's true. He's gone. I mean, you saw him get beheaded. Nobody lives through that. Not for long anyway. I mean, sometimes the brain is still active for a few minutes after the beheading. But to be honest, I can't imagine a worse kind of hell. And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up because the Christians don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): They're coming too fast!
Peter (Han Solo): A nickel for every time I had that problem.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So, you got your reward and you're leaving? Is that it?
Peter (Han Solo): Well, when you say it that way, I sound like a douche. But yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent."
Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here?
Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch.
Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls.
Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show!
Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): One of these days, I'm just gonna take off and join the Rebellion whether you like it or not.
Barbara Pewterschmidt (Aunt Beru): Over my burnt carcass.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): So you got your reward and you're just leaving then?
Peter (Han Solo): Well you put it that way, I sound like a douche, but yeah.

Chris (Luke Skywalker): You don't believe in the Force, do you?
Peter (Han Solo): Oh, you mean the thing you just found out about three hours ago and are now judging *me* for not believing in?

Lois (Princess Leia): Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, who are you?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Lois (Princess Leia): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah! Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?


"Family Guy: Something, Something, Something, Dark Side (#8.20)" (2009)
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: All right. Is this thing good to go?
Medical Droid: [censored version] Wow, you're a hard guy to get compliment from!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Echo 3 to Echo 7. Han, old buddy, you read me?
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Luke, I thought we talked about this. I changed my code name.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh, right. Sorry. Echo 3 to Carlos Spicy Wiener.

Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Just like new. How about you, Dack?
Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one.
Dack: You know it, bitches!
[Dack flies off into space to face a fleet of Star Destroyers]
Dack: Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: All right. Is this thing good to go?
Medical Droid: Yeah, but practice on a hot dog first. Otherwise you might rip your dick off.

Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, Luke. Take care of yourself, okay?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You, too.
Peter Griffin as Han Solo: Hey, what'd you end up doing with that dog we kidnapped?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I killed it and ate it!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I would give my right hand for this day to just end.

Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one.
Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central.
Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that.
Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has.
Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them?
Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me.
Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle.
Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad!

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I'll never join you!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: He told me you killed him!
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: No, I... Hang on... Spoiler Alert... I am your father.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, that's fine but I don't see how that affects anythin... WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: May The Force be with you.
Brian Griffin as Chewbacca: [Over the radio] There he goes with that crap again. Keep it in church, man!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [Hanging from the roof of the Wampa cave, Luke tries to reach his lightsaber] Damm these stubby arms!
[the lightsaber flies into his hand, the blade ignites, and Luke falls head first in the snow on the floor, with his feet still trapped in ice]
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well this is no better!

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wait a minute - is this how it ends?


Family Guy Presents: It's a Trap (2010) (V)
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Oh, Luke! Did you want me to throw you your lightsaber?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Yeah, about 10 minutes ago!
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Just so you know, the compartment I keep your lightsaber is in my rectum.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father?
Carl as Yoda: Yeah, it's either Darth Vader or Paul Reiser, but they don't want to know which one is your real father, so, they're gonna raise you together.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Oh! Can you play the theme from E.T., John Williams?
John Williams: No, but I can do the theme to Entertainment Tonight.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: [to Jabba] Greetings, exalted one. It's me, Luke Skywalker. I seek an audience with Your Slimness to bargain for Captain Solo's life. As a token of my good will, I present to you a gift, these two droids.
Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO: Wait a minute, does he have the right to give us away? He just stole us from his dead uncle.

Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: How are we gonna get out of here?
Cleveland Brown as R2-D2: Wait a second, guys. I got an idea. Remember that laser I used to break Leia out of Jabba's handcuffs? Well, here comes a little tiny saw!

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I thought you should know, young Skywalker, that your friends are walking into a trap.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Wow. You're white? You totally sounded black on the phone.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Silence! You will turn to the dark side, and your precious rebellion will be destroyed. Oh!
[mockingly]
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: I'm afraid the shield generator will be quite operational when your friends arrive.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Jeez, you don't have to be a dick about it.

Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Look at that! Blowing up rebel ships! Bet that gets you going. You hate me now? Come on. Take that lightsaber and try to strike me down, and your journey to the dark side will be complete.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I've seen a lot of ships get blown up. It's no big deal.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, I guess that wouldn't get under my skin, either. Not the way Seth Green gets under my skin.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Huh?
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Yeah. Boy, that guy rubs me the wrong way. I mean, has he ever made anything successful? Greg the Bunny, Four Kings, and that godawful puppet show. It's on, like, channel 100 or something.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, I think he's had some successes. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was successful.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: It was not popular. Entertainment Weekly said it was popular, but it wasn't. Hardly anybody watched that show.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Yeah, I never caught it.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Well, he's been in some big movies. The Austin Power movies grossed, like, a billion dollars.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: What, because of Seth Green? Do you ever hear anyone say, "Hey, looks go see that new Austin Powers, Seth's Green's in it"?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: You're not getting to me, man. You're talking about an actor who I happen to enjoy.
Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine: Well, I certainly enjoyed him in Entourage, 'cause in that show he was playing himself, an asshole.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Give yourself to the dark side, Luke.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: I will not fight you.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Well, all right. I guess that's no problem. I can always get Seth Green to fight me. He'll do anything for money. I mean, did you see Sex Drive? Oh, of course you didn't. You're a person. Of course, I guess it did respectable foreign numbers. Asians really liked it. And you gotta hand it to Seth Green. I mean, he works hard, you know? I mean, the work is much harder when you know the project is no good. Still, all those small paychecks must add up. I wonder if his fan base knows how Jewish he really is.

Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: What the hell, man? I was gonna make it!
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Thanks for watching over me and keeping me safe.
Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader: Fuck you! You murdered me, you ass.


"Family Guy: He's Too Sexy for His Fat (#2.17)" (2000)
Cop: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: Huh? I don't have any hams!
Cop: Lift up your shirt, son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult! I need an adult!
Cop: [feels around under Chris' shirt] You're not a shoplifter you're just a fat kid! Huh! Sorry about that, fatty fat fatty. Hey Dom he's just a fat kid! Aren't you, fatty? You're just a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate, fatso.

Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris?
Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk.
Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back.
Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams.
Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son.
Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult.
Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso.
Chris Griffin: Thanks.

Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?

Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here!
[pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.

Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie.
Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.

Chris Griffin: [after eating vegetables] It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past its prime!


"Family Guy: Movin' Out (Brian's Song) (#6.2)" (2007)
[Brian and Jillian have broken up and Brian moved back in with the Griffins]
Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your
[starts laughing]
Lois Griffin: book!
[everyone laughs]
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on!
Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!

Meg Griffin: Supervisor?
Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning.
Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning!
Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job!
Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?"
Meg Griffin: No.
Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about.
Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair!
Carl: Alright, then... you're fired.
Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca...
[cries and runs off screen]
Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu.
Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying.
Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu?
Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot.
Carl: I don't see hard films.
Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes.
Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?"
Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah.
Carl: She was in that.
Chris Griffin: She... was in that.
Carl: Yeah.

Carl: Hey there buddy... check it out... I put a crawler in the Jerry's Kid's jar. I thought that'd be funny.
Chris Griffin: That is hilarious, but Carl, I want you to hire my sister back.
Carl: No, Chris, she's a pain in the ass... I don't want her back in here.
Chris Griffin: Well... that's a shame, 'cause I watched "Event Horizon" last night.
Carl: No way! We have to talk about it!
Chris Griffin: Well... uh... my memory's kinda hasty.
Carl: We have to talk about every scene... man! Hey, hey, hey... 'member when Jack Noseworthy's eyes explode, wasn't that awesome! Please agree with me that that was awesome!
Chris Griffin: Well... maybe if you hired Meg back, maybe I'll have an opinion.
Carl: SHE'S HIRED! What do ya' think of it?
Chris Griffin: It was AWESOME!
Carl: Wasn't it AWESOME!
Chris Griffin: It was totally AWESOME!

Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race!
Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too.
Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met!
Carl: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me.
Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me.
Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy!
Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them.
[elbows Chris]
Carl: Chris...
Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves]
Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?"
Chris Griffin: No.
Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie.
Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film.
Carl: Was she hot in it?
Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know?
Carl: No.
Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it?
Carl: Wow... you're smart.
Chris Griffin: Wha... What?


"Family Guy: Death Has a Shadow (#1.1)" (1999)
Judge: Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin: Oh no!
Brian Griffin: Oh no!
Meg Griffin: Oh no!
Chris Griffin: Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy: Oh Yeah!

[they are in court]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
[bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
[Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah!
[all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]

Chris Griffin: All right, Dad! Way to fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How do YOU know about the machine?


"Family Guy: Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High (#4.2)" (2005)
Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris?
[holds out his test by her chest]
Chris Griffin: Two D's and an F.

Lois Griffin: [When they think Chris has murdered someone] Chris, we know what you did.
Chris Griffin: You mean that I lied about my age to get into an Indian casino?
Lois Griffin: No.
Chris Griffin: You mean that one time I had hard gas and pooed myself?
Peter Griffin: Close, but no.
Stewie Griffin: How is that close?

Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend?
Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher?
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass.
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher.
Meg Griffin: Ew, gross!
Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!


Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story (2005) (V)
Chris Griffin: Mom! Look at me!
[jumps in pool]
Chris Griffin: How was that?
Lois Griffin: Your third somersault was a little sloppy but what do I know, huh? It's been so long since i qualified for the Olympics.
Chris Griffin: You were in the Olympics?
Lois Griffin: No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. Now I'm Pro Choice.

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Chris Griffin: Mom, Meg reckons Omar Sharif is dead but I think she thinking of Anthony Quinn.
Lois Griffin: Chris, your father and I are in the tub! And Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn.


"Family Guy: Emission Impossible (#3.11)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: [Looking at the Griffin family album] And here's the broken condom that led to my birth!
Lois Griffin: And the lawsuit that followed bought us this house. You're our favorite mistake.
Chris Griffin: You hear that, Meg? I'm the favorite!

Chris Griffin: Meg won't stop pushing me!
Meg Griffin: Like I could, fat ass!
Chris Griffin: I'm not fat, I'm Rubenesque!

Chris Griffin: [looking through his baby book] Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth.
Lois Griffin: [hugs Chris] Yes, and the resulting lawsuit paid for this house. You're my favorite mistake!
Chris Griffin: See, Meg?
Chris Griffin: [shouts] I'm the favorite!


"Family Guy: Petarded (#4.6)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad.
Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, idiot!
Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Peter Griffin: Oh, God! What have I done? I'm the worst husband ever!
Agent Jessup: Make that the worst father ever. Hi, I'm Agent Jessup form child services. I'm here to take your kids away.
Peter Griffin: What? Why?
Agent Jessup: Because you're mentally unfit to take care of them.
Chris Griffin: No way!
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: Finally!


"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: Brown is the color of poo.
Brian Griffin: Yes, yes it is.

[Stewie is electronically controlling Chris and is waiting outside the hardware store while Chris goes inside]
Stewie Griffin: All right, now walk up to the counter.
[Chris does]
Stewie Griffin: That's it, ring the bell!
[he does]
Shopkeep: Well, hi there.
Stewie Griffin: Good day, shopkeep.
Chris Griffin: [parroting] Good day, shopkeep. I require a hand-operated buzzsaw capable of cutting through a human sternum.
Shopkeep: What?
Stewie Griffin: It's for a school project. I'm... some sort of student sent here for... oh, blast, what the devil do they study? Uh, Latin class!
Shopkeep: Uh, sorry, kid, I can't sell power tools to minors.
Chris Griffin: Now, look here, you gourd-bellied codpiece! Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and - who the deuce are you? No, I don't have any spare change. Where the hell would I keep it, in my diaper? Get out of here, you hobo!... Oh, bloody hell, is this thing still on?
Shopkeep: [stares in confusion]


"Family Guy: Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother? (#3.14)" (2001)
Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
[Peter stops the car]
Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
[hands a book to Meg]
Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
[sprays holy water on Chris]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris screams]
Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
[Chris continues screaming]
Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
[flashback]
Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.

Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.


"Family Guy: You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives (#4.25)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: I think I made Brian crazy. Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition.
Alyssa: Oh, no. Chris, you did the right thing. It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, and you'll get to touch these.
[indicates her breasts]
Chris Griffin: Oh, boy. I gotta feeling that before the end of the day, I'm gonna be burying my dog.
Alyssa: Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs, let's start with that.

Chris Griffin: I'm gonna get to touch right-wing boob for this.


"Family Guy: The Son Also Draws (#1.6)" (1999)
Meg Griffin: Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room!
Chris Griffin: I thought that was just when you were asleep.

Peter Griffin: I never knew anyone in this family had any talent, except for that one thing your mother does.
Chris Griffin: You mean play the piano?
Peter Griffin: No, no, n... umm, yeah!


"Family Guy: North by North Quahog (#4.1)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian: Ouch.

Chris Griffin: [chasing Meg around the house with a booger on his finger] What good is mining for nose gold if you can't share it with the townspeople?


"Family Guy: E. Peterbus Unum (#2.18)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: I was going to school, and this guy won't let me.
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
[points to soldiers in street]
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's a good army.

Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.


"Family Guy: Petergeist (#4.26)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Are you sure Stewie can find his away out?
Psychic: We just gotta be patient Lois. Like waitin' on the results of a blood test. A REAL IMPORTANT blood test.
Chris Griffin: Will I ever see my baby brother again?
Psychic: Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walkin' along, they stop and say "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must have just opened up cuz I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago." I went in there once and there was a guy with a hair lip eatin' soup - and I was like ewww. It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean I guess there's only like a 1 in 50 chance of me gettin' the same spoon that he had. But I still don't like them odds.

[the Griffins escape to the family car from the poltergeist]
Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg?
Brian Griffin: I don't know.
Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg.
Lois Griffin: I know, but...
Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE?
Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.


"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Chris Griffin: It's cool dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win every time!


"Family Guy: Play It Again, Brian (#6.10)" (2008)
[Herbert is reading Chris a bedtime story]
Chris Griffin: Are you a pedophile?


"Family Guy: When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (#3.22)" (2003)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can Stewie and me be excused? He's gonna help me with my math.
Lois Griffin: Chris, he's just a baby.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're a regular Rhodes scholar. Where was it you graduated from again, hmm? The university of "DUHHHH?"


"Family Guy: Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air (#6.3)" (2007)
Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair?
Joe: I gave it away.
Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee!
Adam West: My tulips! You dick.


"Family Guy: Episode VI: It's a Trap (#9.18)" (2011)
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Luke, you have a sister.
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: A sister? Who is it?
John Herbert as Obi-Wan Kenobi: Who the hell you think it is? Who's the only damn woman in the galaxy?
Chris Griffin as Luke Skywalker: Leia!


"Family Guy: I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar (#2.8)" (2000)
Peter Griffin: [Peter returns from the women's retreat] Lois! I missed you so much! And my babies! Chris, be a munchkin, and bring my bags inside, huh?
Brian Griffin: Peter, you're...
Peter Griffin: Brian, put the tea on. I have stories! But first, I'm gonna go freshen up and rinse out a few things. Oh, fudge. I broke a nail. Excuse me.
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, Dad's a chick!


"Family Guy: The Former Life of Brian (#6.11)" (2008)
Chris Griffin: [after Dylan beats up the Evil Monkey] Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years! Boy... there is a lot of feces in here.


"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner?
Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner.
Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show.
Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose.
Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman?
Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that.
Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories!
Peter Griffin: Well Played.
Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad.
Peter Griffin: I love you too, son.
[They Hug]


"Family Guy: Sibling Rivalry (#4.22)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: Chris did you get your homework done?
Chris Griffin: Yep.
Lois Griffin: Chris, I know when you're lying to me, just like Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping.
[short scene with Santa Claus]
Chris Griffin: No mom, I've got it all done. For my science homework I had to make a shoebox diarrhea of the evolution of man.
Lois Griffin: You mean diorama.
Chris Griffin: Ooo-oooohh.


"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: [Angrily] Who did it?
Stewie Griffin: Who did what pop?
Brian Griffin: Yes, Peter what has you upset?
Peter Griffin: Surfin Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex with it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.
Peter Griffin: Well Peter no one here would steal from you.
[He begins to talk like a film noir detective]
Chris Griffin: Oh like you didn't have a motive Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted to record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.
Chris Griffin: [He pulls a gun on Peter] So you got it all figured out do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.
Peter Griffin: You won't fire at me Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.
[Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs]
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry Dad I have no idea what you're talking about.


"Family Guy: Model Misbehavior (#4.10)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
Chris Griffin: Me, too.
Meg Griffin: Me, too.
Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother.
Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in.
Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house.
Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now!
[Meg runs out]


"Family Guy: From Method to Madness (#3.18)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: You're completely...
Dotty Campbell: Nude? Yes, we're nudists.
Chris Griffin: [freaking out] Permission to freak out?
Lois Griffin: [whispering] Peter, did you know about this?
Peter Griffin: I... I thought he lost his bathing suit in the ocean.


"Family Guy: The Perfect Castaway (#4.12)" (2005)
Chris Griffin: This is like that show where there's two dads, except no one's laughing. No, wait, it's the same.


"Family Guy: Foreign Affairs (#9.17)" (2011)
Meg Griffin: The goat flu outbreak at school is over and, honestly, I'm afraid we're not learning anything.
Peter Griffin: Ohhhh Meg, you couldn't be wronger. You're learning everything! Watch! CHRIS! Dates! Battle of Hastings?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Franco-Prussian War?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Sherman's March to the Sea?
Chris Griffin: I don't know.
Peter Griffin: Cuban Missile Crisis?
Chris Griffin: No idea.
Peter Griffin: Trail of Tears?
Chris Griffin: Never heard of it.
Peter Griffin: Death of Charlemagne?
Chris Griffin: What is that?
Peter Griffin: Treaty of Augsburg?
Chris Griffin: I got nothin'.
Peter Griffin: Cortez reaches South America?
Chris Griffin: Pumping a dry well.
Peter Griffin: San Juan Hill?
Chris Griffin: No!
Peter Griffin: Wounded Knee?
Chris Griffin: Stop!
Peter Griffin: Great Schism?
Chris Griffin: DAD!
Peter Griffin: Ahh, I'll take you back to school.


"Family Guy: Road to Rupert (#5.9)" (2007)
Herbert: Hey there, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert!
Herbert: Sellin' your old hand-me-downs?
Chris Griffin: Yep!
Herbert: You got anything that you used to wear in the summer time?
Chris Griffin: Just these old shorts.
Herbert: Sweet Jesus.


"Family Guy: 420 (#7.12)" (2009)
Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
[pause]
Peter Griffin: Penis.
[another pause]
Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
[laughs out loud]


"Family Guy: Hell Comes to Quahog (#5.3)" (2006)
Lois Griffin: So, how was work today Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: Ugh, Peter, you lost your job because of a superstore, you shouldn't blame Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Lois Griffin: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg".
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Brian Griffin: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources Meg?
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: Hahahahaha! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEGGGGGG!
Peter Griffin: [blows longer raspberry]
Chris Griffin: MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG! MEG!
Peter Griffin: [blows 7 raspberries]
Chris Griffin: [quietly] Meg.
Peter Griffin: [blows quieter raspberry]


"Family Guy: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey (#5.13)" (2007)
[the pig Peter and Bill Clinton stole rampages through the house]
Chris Griffin: Oh boy, a pig! Can we keep him? OWW, he bit me!


"Family Guy: Brian in Love (#2.4)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [on the telephone] So, uh, what are you wearing? Wow! I bet you could see right through that.
[laughs]
Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to?
Chris Griffin: Grandma.


"Family Guy: Big Man on Hippocampus (#8.10)" (2010)
[Lois has re-introduced an amnesiac Peter to sex]
Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris Griffin: Yay!
Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids.
Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory.
[shocked gasps]
Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor?
Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God!
Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful.
Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with?
Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*!
Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg!
[literally kicking Meg out of the kitchen]
Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here!


"Family Guy: Halloween on Spooner Street (#9.4)" (2010)
Chris Griffin: Uh, Brian, why are you pink?
Brian Griffin: [sniffing] Why do you two smell like sweat and shame?


"Family Guy: Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington (#3.3)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: [the family is heading to a Boston Red Sox game] Look at what I made!
[Chris holds up a 'John 3:16' sign]
Meg Griffin: What does that mean?
Brian Griffin: [reading John 3:16 from the bible] And the Lord says, 'Go Sox.'


"Family Guy: Deep Throats (#4.23)" (2006)
Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Trying to watch "Mr. Belvedere".
Chris Griffin: So, my advice to the two of you would be...
Stewie Griffin: [loudly singing] ACCORDING TO OUR NEW ARRIVAL, LIFE IS MORE THAN MERE SURVIVAL. AND WE JUST MIGHT LIVE THE GOOD LIFE YET. DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DUN-DA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-DA-NA-NA-DA!


"Family Guy: Dog Gone (#8.8)" (2009)
Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups.
Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter Griffin: Join me for what?
Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization.
Peter Griffin: What organization?
Lois Griffin: PETA.
Peter Griffin: What?
Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic.
Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this?
Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now?
Lois Griffin: No, for PETA.
Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA!
Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy!
Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!


"Family Guy: Holy Crap (#2.2)" (1999)
Francis Griffin: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know!
Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.


"Family Guy: The Courtship of Stewie's Father (#4.16)" (2005)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I need to talk to you about your son.
Peter Griffin: Which one, the fat one or the funny-looking one?
Chris Griffin: [pointing at Stewie and laughing] Ha ha ha! Dad called you fat... wait.


"Family Guy: Trading Places (#9.13)" (2011)
[after Chris ruins Peter's bike]
Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did!
Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike.


"Family Guy: Life of Brian (#12.6)" (2013)
Brian Griffin: [dying on an operating table after being hit by a car] You've given me a wonderful life, I love you all.
[dies]
Chris Griffin: Oh my god, mom is he...
Lois Griffin: [crying] Yes, Chris, I'm a afraid our Brian is dead.
[the family hold each others hands and cry]


"Family Guy: The Splendid Source (#8.19)" (2010)
[Extended DVD scene]
Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for.
Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out.
Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it.
Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither.
Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke!
Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter.
Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation.
Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again.


"Family Guy: Baby Not on Board (#7.4)" (2008)
Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.
Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.


"Family Guy: Barely Legal (#5.8)" (2006)
Meg Griffin: Hi, honey.
[to Brian]
Brian Griffin: What?
Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is.
Brian Griffin: Yeahhh
Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend!
Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!"
Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear.
Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon!
Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon!
Chris Griffin: Masturbate?
Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together.
Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.


"Family Guy: Lethal Weapons (#3.7)" (2001)
Lois Griffin: [while Chris and Meg are fighting] If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!
Chris Griffin, Meg Griffin: Mom!
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, we're goin'.
[Lois glares at Peter]
Peter Griffin: Oh... but you can't supersize!
Chris Griffin: [groaning] But, Dad!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on!
Peter Griffin: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!


"Family Guy: Da Boom (#2.3)" (1999)
Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people!
Jorad: Halt!
Peter Griffin: Uh-oh!
Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food?
Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road.
Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic.
Meg Griffin: A blanket!
Brian Griffin: Potato salad!
Chris Griffin: Chicken!
Lois Griffin: Merlot
Stewie Griffin: A dead louis!
Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad.
Jorad: Show me potato salad!
[points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look]
Peter Griffin: [whispers] Maybe we should go now.
[Peter and Louis back away slowly]


"Family Guy: Stew-Roids (#7.13)" (2009)
[while applying lipstick as "Goodbye Horses" plays in the background]
Chris Griffin: Would you do me? I'd do me. I'd do me so hard.


"Family Guy: A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas (#3.16)" (2001)
Chris Griffin: I just want peace on Earth. That's better than being selfish like Meg, right? So I should get more than her.


"Family Guy: Brian Goes Back to College (#4.15)" (2005)
[last lines]
Lois Griffin: [to Brian] Well, how'd ya do?
Brian Griffin: I failed.
Peter Griffin: You failed? Then what the hell are you smilin' for?
Brian Griffin: Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself, and I didn't cheat.
Lois Griffin: You probably should have.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I was just gonna say...
Brian Griffin: It doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started, which means I have my pride. And that's something.
[Griffins mutter to each other in agreement]
Peter Griffin: No it's not. What are you outta your mind?
[Griffins mutter to each other again in agreement]
Chris Griffin: [to Brian] I hate you!
[Runs away in shame]


"Family Guy: No Chris Left Behind (#5.16)" (2007)
Principal Shepard: Chris Griffin... you are expelled from James Wood High
Chris Griffin: But if I leave now, I won't find out who the dumbest kid in School is!


"Family Guy: Whistle While Your Wife Works (#5.5)" (2006)
Jillian: Think about this: Have you ever seen the sun and the moon at the same time?
Peter Griffin: [gasps] They're the same person!
Chris Griffin: [to Jillian] You're brilliant!


"Family Guy: Running Mates (#2.10)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [watching the election debate between his parents on TV] Go Dad!
Meg Griffin: He can't hear you.
Chris Griffin: [shouting] GO DAD!


"Family Guy: Fifteen Minutes of Shame (#2.12)" (2000)
Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it.
Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.


"Family Guy: Patriot Games (#4.20)" (2006)
Chris Griffin: Mom, there's no water in the toilet.
Lois Griffin: First of all, Chris, it's called a loo. Second, there's no water in it because everyone here just uses Elizabeth Hurley.
Chris Griffin: Alright, well, where is she, cos I need her now!


"Family Guy: I Never Met the Dead Man (#1.2)" (1999)
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my imaginary friend Captain Sprock!


"Family Guy: The Man with Two Brians (#7.5)" (2008)
Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww
Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep.
Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about.
Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg.
New Brian: [toots quietly]
Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that?
Chris Griffin: He farted!
Peter Griffin: Just like in the song!
Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart]
Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!


"Family Guy: Long John Peter (#6.12)" (2008)
Chris Griffin: [Chris and Anna are on their first date] You know Anna, when I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world. And now, all I wanna do is show you my innermost self, but I'm afraid you'll reject me because you won't like what you see. Or, that you'll see my scrotum and see that it has a seam on it and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened and...
Anna: [places a finger on Chris' lips] Chris, I like you.
[kisses him]
Anna: You don't have to try so hard.
Chris Griffin: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.


"Family Guy: Stuck Together, Torn Apart (#3.19)" (2002)
Lois Griffin: [while changing Stewie] And I'm just ashamed of myself that I let Peter's jealousy prevent me from rekindling an old friendship just because it was with a man.
Brian Griffin: Yeah. Peter's not exactly the most understanding guy when it comes to you and other man. Like that time at the movies?
[flashback]
Hugh Grant: [stutters] This is... My, this is terribly awkward. But...
[stutters]
Hugh Grant: I wanted to tell you something. But... I don't know. I seem to be so charmingly befuddled.
Lois Griffin: Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Peter Griffin: Oh, is that how it is? Come here, you home-wrecking bastard!
[punches the screen and tears it]
Chris Griffin: Don't do it, Dad! He's bigger than you!
[back to present]
Brian Griffin: And when you went to that concert?
[flashback]
Man: Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one is for all the ladies out there.
[everyone cheers, but Peter walks to the stage and punches him; back to present]
Brian Griffin: And then, there was last Saturday night.
[flashback]
Lois Griffin: Oh, look at that handsome man.
Peter Griffin: You son of a bitch!
[punches the mirror]