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Quotes for
Neil Goldman (Character)
from "Family Guy" (1999)

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"Family Guy: The Kiss Seen Around the World (#3.8)" (2001)
Neil Goldman: [carrying a cup of coffee] Try to move on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it!
[giggles]
Neil Goldman: I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're going to like.
[enters Tom Tucker's dressing room]
Neil Goldman: Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.
Tom Tucker: [takes a sip and spits it out] What the hell is in this?
Neil Goldman: Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!
Neil Goldman: [runs off] Yes, sir.

Neil Goldman: [to the other students] What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek season 1, episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubins. Let's watch.
[he plays a video of Captain Kirk fighting a monster]
Neil Goldman: [commenting over the scene as it cuts to different shots] That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner. And that's Lubins. That's Shatner. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubins' coffee cup sitting on that rock!
Meg Griffin: [to girl sitting next to her] He is the biggest dork on the planet!
Girl: Oh, totally.
Neil Goldman: And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions?
[goes up to Meg and leans close to her face]
Neil Goldman: [lustfully] Me-e-eg?
Meg Griffin: [recoiling] No! Leave me alone!
Teacher: Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.

Meg Griffin: [Neil snatches her clipboard off her] Give it to me!
Neil Goldman: What's that?
Meg Griffin: Give it to me, Neil!
[he pulls out a tape recorder and plays it back]
Meg Griffin: [on tape] Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
Neil Goldman: Yeah. That'll work just fine.


"Family Guy: 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (#4.8)" (2005)
[Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A?
[Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.


"Family Guy: The Story on Page One (#2.19)" (2000)
Neil Goldman: [in a deep voice, while soaking his retainer] Run little rabbit, run. Someday our worlds will be one.
Neil Goldman: [with his retainer back in] I sure hope my face clears up by then.


"Family Guy: Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows (#3.17)" (2002)
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" /
Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed!
Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist!
Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye!
Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon!
Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon!
Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /