Ford Prefect
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Quotes for
Ford Prefect (Character)
from "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" (1981)

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Ford: [after being thrown into the airlock by a guard] Wash your filthy hands!
[looks around]
Ford: Don't panic... don't panic...
Arthur: So this is it. We're gonna die.
Ford: Yeah. We're gonna die.
[pauses]
Ford: No... no! What's this?
[goes over to control panel]
Arthur: What's that?
Ford: What's this...? What's this...?
[flips switch]
Ford: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die.

Ford, Zaphod: Belgium.

Ford: That's awkward.

Arthur: Let's go somewhere.
Trillian: Definitely. Where'd you have in mind?
Ford: I know this great restaurant at the end of the universe.

Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question.
Zaphod: Yep.
Ford: You.
Zaphod: Me.
Ford: Why?
Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work.

Arthur: Ford?
Ford: Yeah?
Arthur: I think I'm a sofa...
Ford: [pause] I know how you feel...

Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic particle things?
Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch!
Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!
Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons?

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.
Ford: What is normal?
Trillian: What is home?
Zaphod: What're cows?

Ford: I checked The Guide for the best way to rescue a prisoner from Vogsphere, it said "don't".

Ford: You don't remember. Arthur, your whole planet has been destroyed.
Arthur: Couldn't you have done something?
Ford: I saved your life.

Arthur: So this is it. We're going to die
Ford: Yes. Would you like a hug?
Arthur: No.

Barman: Did you say the world is coming to an end? Shouldn't we all lie on the floor or put paper bags over our heads?
Ford: If you like.
Barman: Will it help?
Ford: Not at all.
[Ford runs out of the pub]
Barman: Last orders, please!

Ford: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.

Ford: If you want to survive out here, you've got to know where your towel is.

Ford: We must talk.
Arthur Dent: Not now, Ford. They're gonna demolish my home.
Ford: Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You know already?
[Arthur doesn't understand. Ford looks at the workers around him]
Ford: Oh, *they*! When you say "they" you mean *they*!

Ford: [distracting the men about to demolish Arthur's house] Workers of the earth! I bring... good tidings of peanuts! And beer!

Ford: Didn't you think it was strange I was trying to shake hands with a car?
Arthur: I assumed you were drunk.
Ford: I thought cars were the dominant lifeform. I was trying to introduce myself.

Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother.
Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me.

Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing?
Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch.
Ford: His hunches are good.

Ford: [as they are about to be shot into space, he dabs Arthur's face with a towel] You're sweating.

Lunkwill: Drink up.
Arthur: Thank you.
Fook: Now, to business.
Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business!
Lunkwill, Fook: Eat!
Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry.

Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip!
Ford: I thought you said you stole it.

Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it?
Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back.
Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later?
Zaphod: Yeah, they do.
[Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received]

Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.
[a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces]
Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow!

Ford: [about Vogons] They don't think, they don't imagine, most of them can't even spell, they just run things. And if we don't hitch a ride soon, you won't need the guide to tell you just how unpleasant they can be. They already destroyed a planet today, and that always makes them a little... eeee!

Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right?
Ford: All the buildings are gray.

Eddie the Computer: Engaging Infinite Improbability Drive...
Ford: No, no, no... Zaphod, buttons aren't toys! What did you do?

Jeltz: Either die in the vacuum of space, or tell me what you thought of my poem.
[other Vogons chuckle]
Arthur: A... a... actually, I rather liked it.
Jeltz: Hmm?
Ford: Yeah. That's good. Run with it.
Jeltz: Hmmm?
Arthur: Uh, some of the words I didn't understand, but I found the imagery quite effective.
Jeltz: Continue...
Arthur: Well, uh, yes, interesting rhythmic devices, which seemed to counterpoint the underlying metaphor of the humanity of, of the poet's soul.
Jeltz: So what you're saying is, I write poetry because underneath this mean, callous, heartless exterior, I just want to be loved?
Ford: [whispers] Yes, yes, yes.
Arthur: Yes, yes, yeah, please.
[other Vogons ooh-ing and aah-ing]
Jeltz: Throw them off the ship!


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.1" (1981)
Arthur Dent: That man wants to knock my house down.
Ford Prefect: Well, he can do that whilst you're away, can't he?

Ford Prefect: And no sneaky knocking Mr. Dent's house down while he's away, all right?
Prosser: The slightest thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.
Arthur Dent: Can we trust him?
Ford Prefect: Myself, I'd trust him till the end of the Earth.
Arthur Dent: Yes, but how far's that?
Ford Prefect: About twelve minutes away.

Ford Prefect: Six pints of bitter, and quickly please, the world's about to end.
Barman: Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

Ford Prefect: Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Arthur Dent: Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you.

Ford Prefect: How would you react if I told you that I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse?
Arthur Dent: I don't know. Why? Do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?
Ford Prefect: Drink up. The world's about to end.
Arthur Dent: This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Ford Prefect: How are you feeling?
Arthur Dent: Like a military academy. Bits of me keep passing out. Ford? If I were to ask you where the hell we were, would I regret it?
Ford Prefect: We're safe.
Arthur Dent: Ah. Good.
Ford Prefect: We're in a cabin of one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.
Arthur Dent: Ah. This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I hadn't previously been aware of.

Arthur Dent: Good grief. Is this really the interior of a flying saucer?
Ford Prefect: Yes. What do you think?
Arthur Dent: Well, it's a bit squalid, isn't it?

Ford Prefect: Listen. It's a tough universe. There's all sorts of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, everything. If you're going to survive out there, you've really got to know where your towel is.

Arthur Dent: What are you doing?
Ford Prefect: Preparing for hyperspace. It's rather unpleasantly like being drunk.
Arthur Dent: What's so wrong about being drunk?
Ford Prefect: Ask a glass of water.

Arthur Dent: What the hell's that?
Ford Prefect: Well, if we're lucky, it's the Vogon Guard come to throw us into space.
Arthur Dent: And if we're unlucky?
Ford Prefect: The Vogon Captain might want to read us some of his poetry first.

Ford Prefect: Hey, hagro-biscuit. The greatest. You'll love these guys. They cook the hoopiest frood food in the whole of the west galaxy. Go on, have a bite. Go on, go on, go on, try it. Your mouth will love you for the rest of your life.

Arthur Dent: [after they've arrived on board the Vogon ship] If I asked where the hell we were, would I regret it?asked where
Ford Prefect: We're safe.
Arthur Dent: Oh, good.
Ford Prefect: We're in a small galley cabin on one of the ships in the Vogon Constructor Fleet.
Arthur Dent: Ah! This is obviously some strange use of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.

Arthur Dent: How did we get here?
Ford Prefect: We hitched a lift.
Arthur Dent: Excuse me! Are you trying to say that we just stuck out our thumbs and some green bug-eyed monster stuck his head out and said "Hi, fellas, hop in, I can take you as far as the Basingstoke roundabout"?
Ford Prefect: Well, the thumb's an electronic sub-ether device, the roundabout's at Barbard's Star, six light-years away, but otherwise that's more or less it.
Arthur Dent: And the bug-eyed monster?
Ford Prefect: [grinning] It's green, yes.

Ford Prefect: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur Dent: Ford! Hi, how are you?
Ford Prefect: Fine. Look, are you busy?
Arthur Dent: Well, I've just got this bulldozer to lie down in front of, but otherwise no.

Arthur Dent: [the Vogan guard has found them] What's that?
Ford Prefect: Well, if we're lucky, it's just the Vogans come to throw us into deep space.
Arthur Dent: And if we're UN-lucky?
Ford Prefect: The captain might want to read us some of his poetry first.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.6" (1981)
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford. How many escape capsules are there?
Ford Prefect: None.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?
Ford Prefect: Twice.

Number One: But, sir, they're my prisoners. Can't I just interrogate them a little bit?
B-Ark captain: Oh, very well. Ask them what they want to drink.
Number One: Thank you, sir. All right, you scum, you *vermin*...
B-Ark captain: Steady on, Number One.
Number One: What do you want to drink?
Ford Prefect: Well, gin and tonic sounds very nice to me. Arthur?
Arthur Dent: Huh? Yes.
Number One: With ice or without?
Ford Prefect: [thinks] With, please.
Number One: *Lemon*?
Ford Prefect: Yeah. And do you have any of those little biscuits? You know, the cheesy ones?
Number One: I'm asking the questions.

Ford Prefect: Ah, this is futile. Five hundred and seventy-three committee meetings, you haven't even discovered fire yet.

Number Two: I have declared war on the next continent.
Ford Prefect: Declared war? There's no one even living there.
Number Two: Yes, but there will be one day. So we've left a sort of open-ended ultimatum.
Ford Prefect: What?
Number Two: And blown up a few military installations.
B-Ark captain: Military installations, Number Two?
Number Two: Yes, sir. Well, potential military installations.
[pause]
Number Two: All right. Trees. And we interrogated a gazelle.

[last lines]
Ford Prefect: I read of one planet in the seventh dimension got used as a ball in a game of intergalactic bar billiards. Got potted straight into a black hole, killed ten billion people.
Arthur Dent: Madness. Total madness.
Ford Prefect: Yeah. Only scored thirty points too.
Arthur Dent: Where'd you read that?
Ford Prefect: Oh, a book.
Arthur Dent: What book?
Ford Prefect: The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
Arthur Dent: Oh. That thing.

Arthur Dent: So this is it. We're going to die.
Ford Prefect: I wish you'd stop saying that.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ford Prefect: I think so.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Tell me what you think I'm thinking.
Ford Prefect: I think you're thinking it's time we got off this ship.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: I think you're right.
Ford Prefect: I think you're right.
Arthur Dent: How?
Zaphod Beeblebrox's second head: Quiet. We're thinking.

Ford Prefect: Hey, look! A plaque!
Arthur Dent: What's it say?
Ford Prefect: Golgafrincham Ark Fleet Ship B Hold 7 Telephone Sanitiser Second Class, and a serial number.
Arthur Dent: Telephone sanitiser? A dead telephone sanitiser?
Ford Prefect: Best kind.
Arthur Dent: What's he doing here?
Ford Prefect: Not a lot.

Ford Prefect: [discussing the teleporter while their ship is plunging into the sun] Someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually!
[pause]
Ford Prefect: But that means whoever does wouldn't...
Trillian: [quietly] ... make it.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: [Ford, Trillian, Arthur and Zaphod consider this before all turning to stare at Marvin as Zaphod grins slyly] Hey, Marvin kid. How ya doing?
Marvin: Very badly I suspect.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.2" (1981)
Ford Prefect: So, the hours are good, are they?
Vogon guard: Yeah. Though now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. Except some of the shouting I quite like: "Resistance is..."
Ford Prefect: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good at that. I can tell

Ford Prefect: Great idea of mine. Find a passing spaceship, get rescued by it.

[Arthur and Ford are caught in an improbability field]
Arthur Dent: You know, if this is Southend, there's something very odd about it.
Ford Prefect: What, you mean the way the sea stays steady as a rock and the buildings keep washing up and down? Yes, I thought that was odd.

[Ford Prefect has, quite improbably, turned into a penguin, and Arthur's leg has drifted off into the sunset]
Ford Prefect: Hey. Quack. Who are you? Where are you? What's going on? Quack. Is there any way of stopping it?
Trillian: Please relax. You are perfectly safe.
Ford Prefect: That is not the point. Quack. The point is I am now a perfectly safe penguin. Quack. And my colleague here is rapidly running out of limbs.

Arthur Dent: I wonder what'll happen if I press this button.
Ford Prefect: Don't.
Arthur Dent: [presses it] Oh.
Ford Prefect: What happened?
Arthur Dent: A sign lit up saying "Please do not press this button again."

Ford Prefect: [stuck inside the Vogon airlock] Wait a minute... what's this switch?
Arthur Dent: [dashes where Ford is pointing] What? Where?
Ford Prefect: No. I was only fooling. We're going to die after all.
Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this, when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young.
Ford Prefect: Why? What did she tell you?
Arthur Dent: I don't know! I didn't listen!

Arthur Dent: You know, it's at times like this when I'm locked in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!
Ford Prefect: Why? What did she say?
Arthur Dent: I don't know! I didn't listen!

Trillian: [over the intercom] Please relax. You are perfectly safe.
Ford Prefect: That is not the point! The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin and my colleague is rapidly running out of limbs!

Ford Prefect: Arthur? What's happening?
Arthur Dent: Ford, there's an infinite number of monkeys who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.5" (1981)
Barman: [whilst greeting Arthur and the others at Milliways] It's not unusual for customers to be disoriented after the time journey.
Trillian: Time Journey?
Ford Prefect: You mean... this isn't the afterlife?
Barman: The afterlife? No, sir.
Arthur: So... we're not dead?
Barman: Sir is most evidently alive otherwise I would not attempt to serve, sir.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: You mean they want to arrest me over the phone? Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.
Ford Prefect: Yeah. You go to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, what is this? Judgement Day?
Arthur Dent: Oh, do we get to see that as well? Terrific!

Bodyguard: [Ford is trying to get Hotblack Desiato's attention when the bodyguard notices him] Kid!
Ford Prefect: Yeah?
Bodyguard: Beat it.
Ford Prefect: [looks around and sees the Bodyguard standing over him] Who are you?
Bodyguard: [cracks his knuckles] I'm the guy that's telling you to beat it before it gets beaten for you.

Ford Prefect: [regarding Hotblack Desiato] He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.

[Zaphod, Trillian, Arthur, Ford, and Marvin are attempting to escape a stuntship that's going to hit the sun. Zaphod is holding Ford up so he can search the upper regions of the ship]
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey Ford, how many escape capsules are there?
Ford Prefect: None.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?
Ford Prefect: Twice! Raise the crew on the radio?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. I told them there were a whole bunch of people on board.
Ford Prefect: And they said?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: 'Hi there.'
Ford Prefect: Did you tell them who you were?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. They said it was a great honor.
Arthur Dent: What does teleport mean?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did you say?
[Zaphod turns, causing Ford's foot to slip off his hand. Ford yells and falls somewhere offscreen]
Arthur Dent: Probably the wrong moment...
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Where does it say teleport?
Arthur Dent: Well here, underneath this sign that says out of order!
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hell's donkeys!
Ford Prefect: It seems okay, just the automatic guidance, uh, where-ever-it-is-we're-going system is conked up!
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Who cares where we go? Lets just go!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Did you talk to the big noiseboy?
Ford Prefect: Hotblack? Yeah, I sort of spoke to him.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did he say?
Ford Prefect: Nothing much. He's, um...
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah?
Ford Prefect: He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Bodyguard: [Ford is trying to talk to Hotbalck Desiato] Kid?
Ford Prefect: Yeah?
Bodyguard: Go away.
Ford Prefect: What?
Bodyguard: Beat it.
Ford Prefect: And who are you?
Bodyguard: I'm the guy who's telling you to beat it before you get it beaten for you.
Ford Prefect: Listen, ugly, I'm one of Hotblack's oldest mates and...
Bodyguard: And I am Mr. Desiato's personal bodyguard and I am responsible for his body and I am not responsible for yours. so take it away before it gets damaged.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.3" (1981)
Ford Prefect: Zaphod, old mate, I trust you about as far as I could comfortably spit out a rat.

Ford Prefect: Proving nothing. I wouldn't trust that computer to speak my weight.
Eddie: I can do that for you, sure.
Ford Prefect: No, thank you.
Eddie: I can even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places if it'll help.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.4" (1981)
Ford Prefect: This is an ancient Betelgeuse death anthem. It means, after this, things can only get better.