Zaphod Beeblebrox
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Quotes for
Zaphod Beeblebrox (Character)
from "The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" (1981)

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The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005)
Zaphod: Why'd you pick up hitchhikers?
Trillian: I didn't. The ship did.

Zaphod: She digs me.

Zaphod: That doesn't sound good.

Trillian: You idiot! You signed the order to destroy Earth!
Zaphod: I did?
Arthur: He did?
Trillian: Love and kisses Zaphod? You didn't even read it, did you?
Zaphod: Well, I'm president, I don't have a lot of time for reading.
Trillian: My whole planet destroyed because you thought someone wanted your autograph!

Zaphod: Some parts of my character weren't what you'd call presidential.

Ford, Zaphod: Belgium.

Ford: You're looking for the Ultimate Question.
Zaphod: Yep.
Ford: You.
Zaphod: Me.
Ford: Why?
Zaphod: No, I tried that: Why? 42. Doesn't work.

[Waiting for Trillian to be released]
Zaphod: Who are we waiting for again?
[Waits for a reply]
Zaphod: No, I'm serious.

Humma Kavula, Congregation: [singing] Oh mighty Arkleseizure, thou gazed from high above. And sneezed from out thy nostrils, a gift of bounteous love. The universe around us emerged from thy nose. Now we await with eager expectation, thy handkerchief, to bring us back to thee.
[End singing]
Zaphod: Hello Humma.
Humma Kavula: Let us pray. Oh mighty one, we raise our noses to you blocked and unblown, send the handkerchief O blessed one that we may be wiped clean.
[Everyone in the congregation sneezes simultaneously]
Humma Kavula: Bless you.

Arthur Dent: It's a big-biggy Ford, a big-biggy! I mean what if it rips us all into tiny little atomic partical things?
Zaphod: This is the right one! I have a hunch!
Ford: [smiling] His hunches are good! Arthur! I say we go!
Arthur Dent: Go with a hunch of a man who's brain is fueled by lemons?

Zaphod: If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot now!

Zaphod: Let's trip the Light Fantastic, baby, just you and me.

Arthur: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.
Ford: What is normal?
Trillian: What is home?
Zaphod: What're cows?

[Arthur and Ford have each been unexpectedly hit in the face by some unknown flyswatter-like thing]
Zaphod: [after finally also being hit in the face] Zarquon! What was that? Geez...
Marvin: [depressed] I'd make a suggestion, but you wouldn't listen.
[even more depressed]
Marvin: No one ever does.

[deleted scene]
Questular Rontok: [runs to the demolished caravan to find Zaphod unconcious inside] Mr President! Oh, thank god. I tried to prevent all this from happening, but forces beyond my control made it impossible for me to stop them. And even stronger forces are making it impossible for me to stop doing this right now!
[kisses Zaphod, waking him up]
Zaphod: [throws Questular off him] Zarquon, woman! Are you insane? You're my vice-president! In the name of liberty, and freedom, and people, and... stuff... let's do that again!
[they kiss passionately]

Zaphod: Far out!

Zaphod: HUMMA KAVULA!

Zaphod: I can't do this without my third arm!

Arthur: [as a yarn doll] I think I'm gonna be sick!
Zaphod: Hey, do it in the trash can, Earth man, this ship is brand new.
Arthur: [vomits coloured yarn]

Zaphod: [to Arthur] I like those jammies.

Zaphod: I'm sensing a lot of hostility from you, Alex.
Arthur: Arthur!
Zaphod: Have you ever tried yoga?

Zaphod: [to Trillian] Hey slim, are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and they're not doing the trick.

Zaphod: Hey! Is this guy boring you? Why don't you come talk to me instead? I'm from a different planet. Seriously!
[laughs]
Zaphod: You want to see my spaceship?

Ford: [talking about Zaphod] He's my semi half brother.
Zaphod: He shares three of the same mothers as me.

Zaphod: Why so edgy, baby doll? Relax.
Trillian: Why so edgy? You wanna know why I'm edgy?
[fires Point-Of View gun at Zaphod]
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] Of course you're edgy. Your planet's been blown up and you've been tooling round the galaxy with the guy who signed the order. You actually wanted to know the question because you always wondered if there was more to life and now you're crushed because you find out there really isn't.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] Hey, fantastic. Psychedelic.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] You have no home and no family and now you're stuck with me, another in a long line of men who doesn't really get you.
Zaphod: [from Zaphod's view] That's not true.
Zaphod: [from Trillian's view] And you're worried that you might have blown it with the one guy who really does.
Zaphod: Oh, baby doll. Give me that thing.
[takes Point-Of-View gun off Trillian and aims it at her]
Trillian: It won't affect me. I'm already a woman.

Ford: What's with the whole two-head thing?
Zaphod: Oh, yeah, apparently you can't be president with a whole brain.

Zaphod: This is it. I have a hunch.
Ford: His hunches are good.

Lunkwill: Drink up.
Arthur: Thank you.
Fook: Now, to business.
Ford, Zaphod: [drunkenly toasting] To business!
Lunkwill, Fook: Eat!
Zaphod: [quietly] Sorry.

Zaphod: You Zarkin' Frood!

Zaphod: We just hit that button and whoo! Magrathea. I think, I mean we've hit it twice and we're still not there.

Zaphod: Oh Deep Thought! We have travelled long... and far. Have you calculated the ultimate question?
Deep Thought: [yawns] No. I've been watching the TV.

Zaphod: Circus! Circus!

Zaphod: He's a guest on my ship! He's a guest on my shiiiip!
Ford: I thought you said you stole it.

Ford: [watching the Magrathean recording of Deep Thought] Is that it?
Zaphod: No, there's more. They go back.
Arthur: What, seven and a half million years later?
Zaphod: Yeah, they do.
[Cuts to 7.5 million years later and the answer being received]

Zaphod: Hey. Sorry to hear about your planet. What was it called again?
Arthur: Earth.
Zaphod: Yeah, Earth. I liked Earth. I got these boots on Earth. Anyway, don't tell the girl, OK? Cause if you do, I'll pull your spleen out through your throat.

Ford: Okay, don't think. Nobody think. No ideas. No theories. No nothing.
[a beat. They all strain to think of nothing. Several paddles shoot up out of the ground smacking them in their faces]
Ford, Arthur, Zaphod: Ow!

Zaphod: In the name of people, and freedom, and democracy, and stuff like that, I hereby kidnap myself, and I'm taking this ship with me. Whoo!

Zaphod: He did say the gray building, right?
Ford: All the buildings are gray.

Zaphod: [everything appears to be made of yarn] WOW! Is this gonna happen every time we hit that button?
Trillian: Very probably, yes.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.5" (1981)
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You mean they want to arrest me over the phone? Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.
Ford Prefect: Yeah. You go to pieces so fast, people get hit by the shrapnel.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, what is this? Judgement Day?
Arthur Dent: Oh, do we get to see that as well? Terrific!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Listen, you semi-evolved simian, go climb a tree, will you?
Arthur Dent: Go bang your heads together, four-eyes.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: You guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: It's the weird colour scheme that freaks me. Every time you try to operate one of these weird black controls, which are labeled in black on a black background, a small black light lights up black to let you know you've done it. Hey, what is this, some kind of galactic hyper-hearse?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: There's a whole new life stretching out in front of you.
Marvin: Oh, not another one.

[Zaphod, Trillian, Arthur, Ford, and Marvin are attempting to escape a stuntship that's going to hit the sun. Zaphod is holding Ford up so he can search the upper regions of the ship]
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey Ford, how many escape capsules are there?
Ford Prefect: None.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?
Ford Prefect: Twice! Raise the crew on the radio?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. I told them there were a whole bunch of people on board.
Ford Prefect: And they said?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: 'Hi there.'
Ford Prefect: Did you tell them who you were?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah. They said it was a great honor.
Arthur Dent: What does teleport mean?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did you say?
[Zaphod turns, causing Ford's foot to slip off his hand. Ford yells and falls somewhere offscreen]
Arthur Dent: Probably the wrong moment...
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Where does it say teleport?
Arthur Dent: Well here, underneath this sign that says out of order!
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hell's donkeys!
Ford Prefect: It seems okay, just the automatic guidance, uh, where-ever-it-is-we're-going system is conked up!
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Who cares where we go? Lets just go!

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Did you talk to the big noiseboy?
Ford Prefect: Hotblack? Yeah, I sort of spoke to him.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: What did he say?
Ford Prefect: Nothing much. He's, um...
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Yeah?
Ford Prefect: He's spending a year dead for tax reasons.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.2" (1981)
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Okay. So, ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, huh?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Now, which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in?

Zaphod Beeblebrox: If there's anything more important than my ego around here, I want it caught and shot now.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Trillian, is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Infinite Improbability drive?
Trillian: Very probably, I'm afraid.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Zaphod Beelblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.6" (1981)
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, Ford. How many escape capsules are there?
Ford Prefect: None.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: You counted them?
Ford Prefect: Twice.

Arthur Dent: What does teleport mean?
Zaphod Beeblebrox: *What* did you say? Where does it say that?
Arthur Dent: Well here, below the word that says "emergency" and above the word that says "system" and next to the sign that says "out of order".

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ford Prefect: I think so.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Tell me what you think I'm thinking.
Ford Prefect: I think you're thinking it's time we got off this ship.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: I think you're right.
Ford Prefect: I think you're right.
Arthur Dent: How?
Zaphod Beeblebrox's second head: Quiet. We're thinking.

Ford Prefect: [discussing the teleporter while their ship is plunging into the sun] Someone will have to stay behind and operate it manually!
[pause]
Ford Prefect: But that means whoever does wouldn't...
Trillian: [quietly] ... make it.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: [Ford, Trillian, Arthur and Zaphod consider this before all turning to stare at Marvin as Zaphod grins slyly] Hey, Marvin kid. How ya doing?
Marvin: Very badly I suspect.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.3" (1981)
Eddie: I'm waiting. I can wait all day if necessary.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Computer, if you don't open that exit hatch pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your major data banks with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming you will never forget. Capisco?
[pause]
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Okay. Get the axe.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Into the interior of the planet. That is where we have to go. Down into the very depths of time itself where no man has trod these five million years. We are not gonna be great. We are not gonna be amazing. We are gonna be amazingly amazing!
Marvin: Sounds awful.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Can it, Marvin.
Marvin: Life. Loathe it or ignore it. You can't like it.

[as a pair of nuclear missiles close in on the Heart of Gold]
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, this is terrific, they're trying to kill us! You know what that means?
Arthur Dent: Yes, we're going to die.


"The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy: Episode #1.4" (1981)
[Cops corner Zaphod]
Shooty: We don't want to shoot you, Beeblebrox.
Zaphod Beeblebrox: Suits me fine.

Zaphod Beeblebrox: Hey, I thought you said you didn't want to shoot us.
Bang Bang: It isn't easy being a cop.