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: And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
: The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
: I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
: Nice outfit. Elle
: Oh, I like your outfit too, except when I dress up as a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated.
: Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.
: I'm reading about the LSATs. Serena
: My cousin had that once. Apparently you get a really bad rash on your...
: I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard. C.U.L.A. Advisor
: Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors. Elle
: Okay. C.U.L.A. Advisor
: And a heck of an admissions essay. Elle
: Right. C.U.L.A. Advisor
: And at least a 175 on your LSATs. Elle
: I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away? Elle
: Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back. Elle's Father
: Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong. Elle
: Never! Brooke
: I just liked to watch him change the filter.
: Did you see him? He's probably still scratching his head. Paulette
: Yeah, which must be a nice vacation for his balls.
: I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life.
[someone whistles at her
: I object!
: I can't believe you just called me a butthead. I don't think anybody has called me a butthead since the 9th grade. Elle
: Maybe not to your face.
[Elle sees David the geek trying unsuccessfully to get a date with two lovely girls, who mock him, and decides to help by making the girls think she dated David
: Excuse me.
[Elle turns around and slaps David
: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since. David
] I'm sorry? Elle
: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away? David
: Both? Elle
: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
[Elle walks away, and the girls change their mind about him
: So, when did you wanna go out?
: Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.
: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal? Warner Huntington III
: Uhh, ye... no? Elle
: Well this is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.
Warner Huntington III
: Pooh bear, just get in the car. Elle
[starts walking away, sniffling
] Warner Huntington III
: You're gonna ruin your shoes. Elle
[gets in car
Warner Huntington III
: You got into Harvard Law? Elle
: What? Like it's hard?
: Is she as pretty as you? Elle
: She could use some mascara and some serious highlights, but she's not completely unfortunate looking.
: Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
: You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde? Warner Huntington III
: Well, no. That's not entirely true... Elle
: Then what? My boobs are too big?
: This is what I need to become. Old Lady at Manicurist
: What? Practically deformed? Elle
: No, a law student.
: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey. Elle
: These aren't last season!
[looks down, gasps, runs back into court room
: He's gay! Enrique is gay!
: [Elle is cross-examining Chutney Windham
] Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day? Chutney Windham
: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home. Elle
: Where you got in the shower? The Honorable Marina R. Bickford
: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
[Courtroom audience laughs
: Yes, your Honor. Elle
: [a sudden brainstorm comes over Elle
] Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before? Chutney Windham
: Yes. Chutney Windham
: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math. Elle
: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe... DA Joyce Rafferty
: Objection, why is this relevant? Elle
: I have a point, I promise. The Honorable Marina R. Bickford
: Then make it. Elle
: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down? Chutney Windham
: Because they got wet. Elle
: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate? Chutney Windham
: Yes. Elle
: And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right? Chutney Windham
: She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age? Elle
: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father. Chutney Windham
: [Chutney is in tears
] I didn't mean to shoot him!
[points at Brooke
] Chutney Windham
: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!
[Courtroom audience gasps
: Oh my God. The Honorable Marina R. Bickford
: Oh my God. Brooke
: Oh my God. The Honorable Marina R. Bickford
: Balliff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Joseph Windham. Case dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you're free to go. Brooke
: Thank you, your honor.
: Bend and snap.
[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting
: It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye". Entire Sorority Group
Warner Huntington III
: How was your first class? Elle
: Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.
: All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.
: [to Emmett
] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out. Emmett
: So you have Stromwell, huh? Elle
: Yes. Did she do that to you too? Emmett
: No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
: [wearing a bunny costume and shopping for a laptop computer
] Don't ask. Emmett
: Wasn't gonna.
: Here, you're gonna need this. Elle
: Your scrunchie? Margot
: My LUCKY scrunchie. It helped me pass Spanish. Serena
: You passed Spanish because you gave Professor Montoya a lap dance after the final. Margot
: Yeah... Luckily!
[sees Elle in her Bunny costume
] Warner Huntington III
: Hey, well, don't you look like a walking felony. Elle
: Thanks, you're so sweet.
: Warner, what kind of shoes are these? Warner Huntington III
: Umm... black ones.
: That's great, Paulette. Is that the only interaction you two have ever had? Paulette
: No! Sometimes I say "okay" instead of "fine."
Warner Huntington III
: Excuse me, I'm sorry... are you here to see me? Elle
: No, silly. I go here!
: Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem? Boutique Saleswoman
: Of course. It's one of a kind. Elle
: It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
: [from deleted scene
] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
: I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood. Professor Callahan
: Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation! Not some scandal at the sorority house!
: For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment. Professor Callahan
: You've just won your case.
: Are you one of my lawyers? Elle
: Sort of. Brooke
: Well thank God one of you has a brain.
: I was getting...
: liposuction. Elle
: I'm sorry, what? Brooke
: [whispers a little louder
] Liposuction. Elle
: What? Brooke
: LIPOSUCTION! Elle
] OH MY GOD! Brooke
: I KNOW! Elle
: [low voice
] NO... Brooke
: Yes! I know I'm a fraud, but its not like normal women could have this ass! If anyone found out about this, I would be ruined!
: You must understand me, Elle... I had just lost a husband...
: I would rather go to jail than to lose my reputation! Elle
] Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Brooke
: [tearfully, yet thankfully
] Thank you, Elle.
: [after Warner asks her out after the trial
] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.
: No more boring suits or pantyhose, I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.
: Here it is! Professor Callahan
: It's pink... Elle
: Oh! And it's scented! I think it gives it a little something extra, don't you think? Okay, well, see you next class!
: You know, I'm still shocked that you didn't give Callahan the alibi. Elle
: It wasn't my alibi to tell. Vivian
: I know, I thought that was very... classy of you.
: [on video essay
] ... and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004. Admissions Guy
: She does have a 4.0 from CULA and she got a 179 on LSATs. Head of Admissions
: Fashion major? Admissions Guy
: Well sir we've never had one before and aren't we always looking for diversity? Admissions Guy
: Her list of extra-curricular activities is impressive. Head of Admissions
: She was in a Ricky Martin video. Admissions Guy
: Clearly, she's interested in music. Head of Admissions
: She also designed a line of faux-fur panties for her sorority's charity project. Admissions Guy
: Uh huh, she's a friend to the animals as well as a philanthropist. Head of Admissions
: Elle Woods.
] Head of Admissions
: Welcome to Harvard.
: This is gonna be just like senior year, except for funner!
Warner Huntington III
: Pooh-bear, you're not serious enough... Elle
] Well, I'm serious about this, Warner. Warner Huntington III
: No. I mean, I'm sorry but, you're never going to be smart enough for lessons in law.
[Elle silently, yet suddenly discovers that Warner doesn't respect her and never will respect her
: I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?
: You fall asleep during the West Wing. Elle
: Yeah, but have you seen what they're wearing?
: Hello, Patriots! I don't think I've been this excited since Gucci became a publicly-traded company. Timothy McGinn
: Oh my God, it's capital Barbie. Reena
: She's so... shiny.
: Hi everyone! Timothy McGinn
: Look, it's Capitol Barbie. Reena
: She's so shiny.
: You know what I thought when I first met you? Elle
: God, that woman wears a lot of pink?
: This is just like CSpan, except I'm not bored.
: So speak up, America. Speak up for the home of the brave. Speak up for the land of the free gift with purchase. Speak up, America!
: I don't think I've been this excited since Gucci became a publicly traded company!
: Oooooh! Nice briefcase!
: I didn't know I could be this happy without incurring credit card debt!
: Paulette, I taught Bruiser to shop online, I think I can handle congress.
: I have always respected redheads as members of a hair color minority.
: Ughhh. All day long I felt like white open-toed shoes after Labor Day. Sid
: I hate that feeling, whatever that means.
: Oh, my God. I almost forgot. Detective Finchley
: You want me to what? Elle
: A biological birth parent search. Detective Finchley
: For your dog? Elle
: For my Chihuahua-American Bruiser Woods. I found him abandoned years ago. Detective Finchley
: Miss, I'm the highest-paid most sought after private investigator in the greater Boston area. Elle
: And that's precisely why we came to you, Detective. It is absolutely vital that we find Bruiser's mother, and pronto. His father might be a little more difficult. You know dogs. Detective Finchley
: May I ask why? Elle
: Of course. "Martha Stewart Weddings" recommends a 4 to 6-week window for RSVPs and naturally I can't send the invitation without an address. And the sooner I get started on all that calligraphy, really, the better. Detective Finchley
: You wanna send an invitation to your wedding to your dog' mother. Are you serious? Elle
: Detective, if I have to make room for my second cousin's vegan diet coach, you better believe I'm gonna make room for the mother of the one loving creature who's always been there for me. In fact, I can't believe I haven't done this sooner. Detective Finchley
: I'm thinking the same thing.
: No, ma'am. Unless you have a pass, you cannot go up there. Elle
: Lucky I always keep it on me. Hold on. It's right here. There you go. Security Guard
: What is it? Elle
: It's my double platinium VVIP VERSACE Preferred Customer identification card, of course. Available only to those that have shopped on at least five continents. If that fails to satisfy you, you can also contact Billy Dailey, head of customer relations. Security Guard
: You got the wrong VERSACE, lady. Elle
: Really? So Donatella's not here?
: Oh, Bruiser! Your mother lives at the top secret VERSACE think-tank. I told you they had one.
: Who wants to talk animal testing? Timothy McGinn
: Write a bill, Britney.
: You can't get people to care. Elle
: Watch me.
: You're the girl with the perfumed poo-poo bags, aren't you? Elle
: Actually I'm the woman with the scented waste receptacles, but yes
[Elle first arrives in Washington DC
: Welcome, to the Wellington, ma'am. Elle
: It's a thrill to be here.
: I'm here to speak for those who can't speak for themselves.
: You blocked this bill, nobody else and I want to know why. Rep. Rudd
: why? Why does anything happen in Washington, survival. You have no idea what it takes to get here, to stay here. The money it takes. And it just so happens my chief financial contributor happens to have purchased half-share in a major cosmetics company, and THEY want to continue testing on animals. So much so that they are willing to backroll my opponent in next years elections if I did not kill YOUR bill. Elle
: I trusted you. I looked up to you. Rep. Rudd
: I can't do anyone any good if I'm no longer here. Elle
: But you're not doing anybody any good. Nobody in your district. Not even yourself.
: Snap it out!
: Muffy Vanderbilt Margot
: Hahaha Muffy! Elle Woods
: This is the kind of girl Warner wants. Someone serious. Someone lawerly. Someone who wears black when nobody's dead!
: I'll meet him there at Harvard with a book in my hand. Big sturdy book, big wordy book, full of words I'll understand.
: Girls I'm positive we've taken this too far. No, I'm positive, this is Harvard, not a stripper bar.
: Thanks for the great tip on the costume party Vivian. I see you came as last years sample sale.
: You drink a lot of Red Bull don't you? Elle Woods
: [yelling from behind a wall
] It gives me energy!
: Can you live without this? Can you live without that? I don't know what this is... Elle Woods
: It's for hair! Emmett Forrest
: Wear a hat!
: Seeing my name in black and white, it's like making love with you all night. No wait, it feels so much better, hello much beter, it's Oh, oh, oh, oh, OHHH! Much better!
: What is this place? Elle Woods
: A department store. Emmett Forrest
: It's beautiful!
: What's she got that you don't got? Three boobs? Elle Woods
: She's serious. Paulette
: Seriously, does she have three boobs?
: Paulette, are you ready? Paulette
: I don't know, Elle! Dewey scares the crap outta me! Elle Woods
: Channel that fear! Remember! You are a strong independent woman and you must be reunited with your dog. Emmett Forrest
: Anyone who bakes their dog a birthday cake deserves nothing less. Paulette
: Oh! And it's shaped like a BONE! Elle Woods
: And that kind of devotion cannot be ignored. Paulette
: Well, it's not easy to find dog-friendly chocolate substitutes.
[knocks on trailer
: Who in the -
[leans out window
: Oh, crap, not you again. Paulette. Get your fat ass off'n my property. Paulette
: Dewey! I wanna see my dog! I gotta right! And I bet you didn't even know it's his birthday today!
[shows him the cake
: [leans back in window
] Oh, it's your birthday, it's your birthday! Well, you can't see him, jellygut.
[takes the cake
: Best decision I ever made was throwin' you out! Paulette
: Can you believe I lived with that for ten years! And that cheapskate never even bought me a ring!
: I don't HAVE to be right, when I'm with you I just am.
: Well... my name is Elle Woods, and I came all the way out here for Harvard Law School... Paulette
: Well, that's a good school! Elle Woods
: I know! Right?
: I'm a Gemini with a double Capricorn moon. I have a bachelors degree in Fashion Merchandising from UCLA where I was Sigma Sweetheart and president of Delta Nu sorority and founded the charity 'Shop for a Cause'. Oh, and just last week I talked Beyonce out of buying a truly heinous cable-knit tube top! Whoever said tangerine was the new pink was seriously disturbed!