Joey Tribbiani
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Quotes for
Joey Tribbiani (Character)
from "Friends" (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Joey: Okay, Ross, you're gettin' a divorce, you're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.
[Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!

Joey: Hey, Phoebs, do you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Ross: [after he's broken up with Carol] Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?

Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy, don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story, but I gotta go. I got a date with Angela... Andrea... Oh, man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here!

Joey: [Monica has slept with Paul the Wine Guy on the first date] That 'wasn't a real date.' What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up and move my table back.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.

Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy!

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.


"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready (#3.2)" (1996)
Joey: Here it is, buddy boy. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh, my God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear.
Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing any more clothes?

Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.

Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE.
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.

Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
Joey: Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando!
Chandler: Ugh UGH!
Joey: Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!

Joey: All right, they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider.
[takes a glass from the fridge]
Chandler: Taste it.
Joey: [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat.
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.

Joey: Wow, what a cool job.
[Imitating the answering machine]
Joey: You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.

[Chandler fights with Joey over a chair]
Chandler: All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair.
[sits on Joey's lap]
Chandler: I'm soooo comfortable.
Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.
Chandler: All right.
[jumps up]


"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: You've got to think about last night the way she does, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: But she'll never know how he feels
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's ok maybe it's better this way now you can move on you've been trying to for so long and now you're on different continents maybe you can actually do it: finally get over her
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true except I don't want to get over her
Joey Tribbiani: [Surprised] What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I want to be with her
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Really?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah I'm going to go after her
Joey Tribbiani: What'd think she'll say?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: My cab's downstairs I'll drive you to the airport
Dr. Ross Geller: [to everybody] Ok wish me luck you guys

Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's for the best

Dr. Ross Geller: [Referring to Rachel in the coffee shop] And then she said "it was the "perfect way to say goodbye"
Joey Tribbiani: What'd you say?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing what'd you say to that
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: You've got to tell her how you feel
Dr. Ross Geller: No way
Joey Tribbiani: You can't just give up, is that what a dinosaur would do?
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude I'm just trying to speak your language
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: She doesn't know you want to get back together if she did she might differently she might not even go

Rachel: [Rachel enters] I just dropped Emma off at my mother's
Joey Tribbiani: You're not taking her with you?
Rachel: [Referring to Ross] No we decided I'd go first and set everything up and my mom would bring Emma on Sunday
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Wow eight hour flight a one year old? Good luck mom
Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hour flight with my mom talking about Atkins? Good luck Emma

Joey Tribbiani: [Ross enters] Did you talk to Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I didn't and I'm not going to
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down you guys saw what happened with Gunther that did not look like fun
Joey Tribbiani: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean his more sexier in an obvious way you have relationship with her you slept together last night
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah and she still wants to go it's pretty clear where she is, even I were to tell her I don't have to do it now I'll be seeing her again we've got time
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't she's going to Paris and she's going to meet somebody do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's a city of Gunthers

Monica: [Monica enters carrying one of the babies] Hey
Chandler: [Chandler enters carrying the other baby] Hey
Dr. Ross Geller: Awkward question: the hospital knows you took two right?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What kind of twins are they?
Monica: [Referring to the baby she's carrying] This one's a boy the baby Chandler's carrying is a girl
Chandler: Her name is Erica
Joey Tribbiani: That pregnant girl's name is Erica
Chandler: It's a shame the two of you didn't get to spend more together
Monica: [to Ross] We named the boy "Jack" after dad
Dr. Ross Geller: His going to be so happy

Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What are you working on?
Joey Tribbiani: It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [Pointing to a big smudge on the poster] Is that the baby?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I sat on the paint
Mike Hannigan: [Mike enters in] Hey
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What'd you have there?
Mike Hannigan: It's a welcome home poster for the baby it'd be a lot better but I didn't have enough time to work on it
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [Mike unrolls the poster and shows everyone] Honey that's gorgeous
Joey Tribbiani: [Jealous tone and facial expression to Mike] You know the baby can't read


"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)
Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
[seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window]
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
[rushes over there]
Ross: Stop what you are doing, I saw you through the window!
Chandler: Well, we had a good run. Five, six months, that is more some have in a lifetime. Bye.
Monica: Wait, I can handle Ross.
[opens door with her shirt buttoned wrong]
Monica: What's up, bro?
Ross: You!
[chases Chandler around the table]
Ross: You are my best friend. This is my sister.
[Rachel and Joey come in]
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: I think, just think, Ross just found out about me and Monica.
Joey: Dude, he is standing right there.

Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

[about Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.

Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.

Joey: C'mon. I got your secrets, I got their secrets; I got secrets of my own, you know.
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Huggsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
Joey: [blushes, embarrassed]


"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.

Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!

Ross: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?

Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey Tribbiani: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!

Rachel: Monica said I could make dessert this year.
Joey: Uh, you're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Huh, yeah, I cook.
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.

Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No it isn't, I ate that.
Judy Geller: Oh, we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: No
[giggles]
Joey: , got it, and I ate yours too.


"Friends: The One with the Free Porn (#4.17)" (1998)
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man.

Mr. Treeger: [notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn] Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
[pause]
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: [to Chandler] Why would he turn off the tv?

Mr. Treeger: [notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn] Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
[pause]
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: [to Chandler] Why would he turn of the tv?

Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: [Long Pause] So you go to Tokyo!

Mr. Treeger: [shouting from the bathroom] Oh god!
Joey: What's going on?
Chandler: Treeger's unclogging the toilet again.
Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?
Joey: Hey, maybe he found your flipflop.

Chandler: Hey. You're never going to believe what happened to me today. I went to the bank. Totally hot teller. And she didn't want to have sex with me in the vault!
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me. Woman pizza delivery guy comes and delivers the pizza, takes the money, and leaves.
Chandler: What, no 'nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are big'?


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)
Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.

Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.

Rachel: Look Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: All right, y'know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You won't boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won't boss you around.
Joey: And you'll be nice?
Rachel: And, I'll be nice.
Joey: And you'll be topless?
Rachel: And I'll-Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?

Rachel: Okay Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: [furious] No! All right? I did *not* see the bird! I did *not* see the fish! I did *not* see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did *not*, because I was trying to teach you *how* to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: All right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit? You can't quit!
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!


"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)
Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.

Ross: Look, Rachel. I play to win, and in order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're going to play with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy, 'cause when I play poker...
[wipes his hands]
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.

Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: [Throws Down His Cards]
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.
Joey: [Looks round the group, seeing stunned faces]
Joey: Oh, I'm out

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica, Rachel, Phoebe: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: No...

Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.


"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape (#3.18)" (1997)
[Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense]
Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?

[Monica dates Pete, a millionaire]
Joey: [to Pete] So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*?
Monica: [to Pete] And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.

Ross Geller: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Chandler Bing: Always illegal, Joe.

Joey: [to Ross, after Phoebe has manipulated them into doing something uncomfortable] So... we're walking down the street, and I turn to you and say, "Hey! Let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes!" Remember? And then, you turn to me, and you say, "Nah, let's just hang out at your place." Well, that was a nice move, dumbass!

Hypnosis Tape: You do not need to smoke. You are strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.
Joey: Joey's your best friend... and you want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants...


"Friends: The One with the Videotape (#8.4)" (2001)
[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: [raising his hand and pointing to himself] Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams.

Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.

Joey: [Teaching Ross the "Europe story" to help him end his "dry spell"] Years ago when I was backpacking through western Europe I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo, I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing, there was a very secluded lake and there were tall trees all around, it was dead silent and across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself but she was crying...

Ross: [Pleading] Please help me I have a date tonight, it has to go well I'm scared for my health.
Joey: [Thinking quickly] Okay, I got something, it's a story I came up with. It's very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it, they become "putty".
Ross: Really? Well, tell it to me.
Joey: [Genuinely warning him] Now you're going to want to have sex with me, but remember it's just "a story".
Ross: [Sarcastically] I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay, years ago when I was backpacking through Western Europe...
Ross: [Doubtfully] You were backpacking through Western Europe?
Joey: [Feeling belittled and gets up to leave] Have a nice six more months.


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.

Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

Chandler: [talking about a dog] What if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?

Joey: [about Rachel's assistant, Tag] If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?

Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.


"Friends: The One with the Dollhouse (#3.20)" (1997)
Joey: [about the Director] That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate Miller: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts.

Phoebe Buffay: A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel.
Joey: You had a barrel for a doll house?
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a barrel.

Kate Miller: So, what're we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate Miller: Maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate Miller: Well, Adrienne's looking for a reason to stay. Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta really give her a reason to stay.
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate Miller: Or maybe he could grab her and lift her up.
Kate Miller: And then maybe Adrienne could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate Miller: And she would rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate Miller: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal...
[cut to Joey's bedroom, they both emerge from the covers]
Joey: Something like that?
Kate Miller: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.

Lauren: Hi, Kate.
Kate Miller: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: [long pause] Hi, pig.

Chandler Bing: You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?
Joey: Yeah!
[thinks a bit]
Joey: Oh my god. Is this what it's like to be you?


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)
Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the money i am not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.

[talking to Ross]
Joey: ...I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.


"Friends: The One with the Fake Monica (#1.21)" (1995)
Joey: I'll be reading for Mercutio.
Director: Name.
Joey: I'm Holden McGroin.

Ross Geller: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler Bing: He's not going to make you wear a cone, is he?
Ross Geller: Apparently, Marcel's humping is not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey Tribbiani: [to Chandler] Hey, he beat ya!

Joey Tribbiani: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler Bing: I know this one. No, wait. That was popes into a Volkswagen.

Chandler: [Chandler is helping Joey to come up with a new, more professional stage name] Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin?
Joey: Stalin... Do I know that name? That sounds familiar.
Chandler: Well, it doesn't ring a bell with me...
Joey: Joe Stalin... you know, that's pretty good.
Chandler: You might want to try Joseph.
Joey: Joseph Stalim. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler: Oh yes! "Bye Bye Birdie" starring Joseph Stalin! Joseph Stalin is "Fiddler on the Roof"!
Joey: [Later] You know, there already IS a Joseph Stalin?
Chandler: You're kidding!
Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people! You'd think YOU would have known that!
Chandler: You know, you'd think I would have.


"Friends: The One with All the Thanksgivings (#5.8)" (1998)
[Thanksgiving]
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH.
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

[They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives]
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.

Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot. I came up with that.
[grins]
Ross: [pause]
Joey: You're a dork.

Rachel: Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
Joey: Hey! It's not how it sounds!
Chandler: It is exactly how it sounds.


"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2000)
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.

[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]
Joey: Look, Chandler, if this is going to work you have got to listen. You're gonna throw that juice in my face, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice.

[Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant]
Joey: Look, Chandler, if this is going to work, you have got to *listen*. You're gonna throw that juice in my face, aren't ya?
Chandler: It's not all juice.

Joey: So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring?
Monica: He's not boring. He's just low key.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)
Monica: [Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving] My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!

Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?

Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.

Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!


"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1995)
Joey: Oh, hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: [Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches]
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to theguy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: [Chandler and Ross stare at him] What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?

[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Rachel: [sticking her head out of her bedroom] Uh... morning! Hey, you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: Oh, no no no no no! I'm not falling for that again!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night...
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paolo: [coming out of Rachel's bedroom] Buon giorno, tutti!


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry (#6.14)" (2000)
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

Phoebe: [watching E.T] You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for 3 days to that. No, 2. Cause on the third day my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: See now that I can understand crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad, when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
[goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up from the table] Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi everybody, what are you ...
[screams and points at the TV]
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?

Joey: What you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I'd be sad, sure, but I wouldn't cry.
Joey: Okay, well, what if the puppy said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy! *I'm rich!*


"Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt (#3.19)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I hate her with her, 'Oh I'm so talented, and ooh I'm so pretty and oooh I smell so good.'
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, can we please try to stay focused on my problem here.

Kate Miller: I have a question about this scene.
The Director: Yes.
Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey, how about this one? Uh, it says so in the script!
[Hits script]
Joey Tribbiani: You know, uh, I don't know why my character likes you either. I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
Kate Miller: It doesn't say that in the script.
Joey Tribbiani: It does in mine!

Joey Tribbiani: Just because she went to Yale Drama, she thinks she's like, the greatest actress since sliced bread.
Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

Joey Tribbiani: Oh Mommy, Oh Daddy, I am a big ol' baddy.


"Joey: Joey and the Perfect Storm (#1.5)" (2004)
Michael Tribbiani: Well don't do the one with the dialogue 'cause you dont know that one
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but I haven't studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all
[does dance move]
Gina Tribbiani: [laughing] oh, please do that one!

Joey Tribbiani: I think I have too much stuff stored in my mind
Michael Tribbiani: That's an interesting theory

Joey Tribbiani: I dont think I can even do that
Bobbie Morganstern: Well your looking at the queen of multitasking ... right now as we are talking, i am doing butt clenches and learning Spanish through this headpiece
Joey Tribbiani: [smiles]
Bobbie Morganstern: Miamo bobby

Joey Tribbiani: Ooo Sandiago ... only 28 more days till sea world.


"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.

[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Mona: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.

Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel Green: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel Green: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel Green: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel Green: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel Green: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel Green: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel Green: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel Green: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]

Ross Geller: Joey! You didn't wear a costume!
Joey: No, look!
[really boring clothes]
Joey: I'm Chandler!


"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!

Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.

Chandler: [to Monica] If you win, we'll give up the birds.
[Joey makes a shocked sound]
Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment!
Joey: Oooh!

[Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening]
Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes.
Monica: What kind of changes?
Chandler: The vet seems to think she's becoming a rooster.
[Rooster crows]
Chandler: We're getting second opinion.


"Friends: The One with Joey's New Brain (#7.15)" (2001)
Jessica Lockhart: [while Joey is reading her character's death in the script] How does it happen?
Joey: You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Jessica Lockhart: Jessica hates horses!
Joey: After this I'm guessing she won't be too wild about electricity either.

Joey: You're so talented.
Jessica Lockhart: I am. I am.

[Jessica is giving Joey some tips on how to play her character]
Jessica Lockhart: Well, when Jessica kisses a man, she puts her hands on the sides of his face.
Joey: [nodding] Because she's passionate?
Jessica Lockhart: No. Because that way the camera sees only her.

Jessica Lockhart: And guess what? Good news - I got another job.
Joey: Great! Hey, all right. So what is it?
Jessica Lockhart: A film in Guadalajara.
Joey: The airport?


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line (#4.7)" (1997)
[after Chandler kisses Kathy]
Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you.

[Joey finds out Chandler likes his girlfriend]
Joey: Did you sleep with her?
Chandler: No, we just kissed.
Joey: That's even worse!
Chandler: How is that worse?
Joey: I don't know, but it's the same!

Chandler: You're right. I have no excuses. I was totally over the line.
Joey Tribbiani: Over the line? You... you... you're so far past the line that you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!

Chandler: I just think its time for you to settle down, you know, make a choice, pick a lane.
Joey: Who's Elaine?


"Friends: The Last One: Part 2 (#10.18)" (2004)
Joey: [Chick Jr and Duck Jr are trapped in the Foosball table] Does that mean we're gonna have to bust it open?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: I know, it's the Foosball table.
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like what I'd have said in that Sci-Fi movie if I'd gotten the part: "Those are our men in there, and we have to get 'em out. Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life... my time machine."

Joey Tribbiani: It's like I would have said in that science fiction movie if I'd have gotten the part "our men are in there and we have to get them out, even if I have to sacrifice my most precious thing in the world, my time machine"
Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?
Joey Tribbiani: It did not.

Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.

Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck it wouldn't be the worst thing
[hands him money]
Ross Geller: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow
Joey Tribbiani: [Confused] has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] look around you guys this was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly because it was rent controlled it was a freakin steel
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] this is harder than I thought it would be


"Friends: The One with the Baby Shower (#8.20)" (2002)
Joey: Wh-what's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance, you go past the Mudhut, through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey, you yank his tail, and Boom! you're in Paradise Pond!

Joey: [Gameshow Host Voice] Choose a card, you jackass.

Joey: We all know what that sound means! Hungry Monkey!

Chandler Bing: I'd like a Google Card, please Joey?
Joey: Are you sure?
Chandler Bing: Yes! No! Google!


"Friends: The One with the List (#2.8)" (1995)
Rachel: Chandler wrote something about me on that paper and I want to see it!
Ross: Chandler isn't that the short story you were writing?
Rachel: Short story? And I'm in it? I want to read it!
Ross, Joey, Chandler: NO!
Joey: Why don't you read it to her?
Chandler: It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there... A lonely grey couch..."OH LOOK!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The End.

Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.

Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!

Joey: I have two words for you: threesome.


"Friends: The One with the Nap Partners (#7.6)" (2000)
[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK, well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...

Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
[Joey raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him]
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I'm just saying that uh... That's where I'll be.
[Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him]

Joey: Hey, I can help you decide who should do it. We can have like an audition, and then see how you'd handle maid of honor-type situations.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, right? I go to an audition, and if I'm the best of the people they see, I get the part, you know? Then they send you a script, then you go to the set, and you rehearse, and you have wardrobe fittings, and then you shoot your part. And it's great, but right after that, you're back down on the street looking for work again, right back where you started! So, I gotta say, I really don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two.

Joey: We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations, and you'll be scored on the scale one to ten, one being the highest.
Ross: No, ten is the highest.
Joey: Why is ten the highest?
Ross: Because is the highest.


"Friends: The One with Frank Jr. (#3.5)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler Bing: No, you didn't *get* me! It's an electric drill! You *get* me, you kill me!
Joey Tribbiani: Calm down, do you want this unit or not?
Chandler Bing: I do not want this unit
Joey Tribbiani: You should've said something before, I'm not a mind reader

Joey Tribbiani: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler Bing: You're building a Post Office?

Chandler Bing: [about the entertainment center being too large] Ah, good job Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. It's big.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe *all* the rulers are wrong.

Joey Tribbiani: Every inch of this is glued down, it'll take forever, just leave it.
Monica Geller: You can't just leave it, you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
[Joey puts the toilet brush over the hole]
Monica Geller: That's nice, they can put it back there after the doctors remove it from your colon.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Sandwich (#5.9)" (1998)
Joey: I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting and who is not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my bucket.
[Picks up bucket of fried chicken]
Joey: I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs.

Ross: You're sleeping with my sister?
Joey: [Covering for Chandler] It was only for one night. It was when we were in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage.

Joey: Get ready to come out of the non gay closet.


"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)
[Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall]
Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants.
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika Ford: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]

Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.


"Friends: The One with All the Haste (#4.19)" (1998)
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this, is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: But, it's the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Whoa!
[angrily points his finger at Chandler]
Joey: [pause]
Chandler: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
[pause]
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah! The Knicks rule all!

Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!

Dr. Ross Geller: [about Emily] She lives there. I live here. I mean, she'd have to move here.
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: She should move here!
Joey: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I can ask her to live with me.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why not? I mean, why not?
Chandler: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Ok? I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with.


"Friends: The One with the Bullies (#2.21)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica Geller: I don't want a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you?

Chandler Bing, Dr. Ross Geller: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel Green: What's the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel Green: No?
Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler Bing: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler Bing: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach you want some sandwich?
Rachel Green: Oh! What is in that?
Joey Tribbiani: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel Green: No, no with mayo that would make it gross.


"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Gunther, have you, uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: [looking confused] I thought you were Chandler.
Gunther: [both look confused] But uhm, one of you is over there ...

Joey Tribbiani: Don't do the crime if you can't do the time

Dr. Tim Burke: [on Chandler, who is inside the box] Why is he...?
Joey Tribbiani: He's doing some thinking!


"Friends: The One on the Last Night (#6.6)" (1999)
Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when's that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that's every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.

Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours.

Joey: Here it is! Our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: Oh, I wish I had known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh. Oh, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together: Me, bringing the food of my ancestors, you, the food of yours!


"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away (#1.9)" (1994)
Joey: Hey, Mon. I have a question... I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.

Chandler Bing: [rushes in] Oh my god! Underdog has broken loose and is flying over the city!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler Bing: No, no... The actual cartoon character...

Joey: [the gang is locked out of Monica's apartment] Wait, wait! We have a copy of your key!
Monica: [shrieking] WELL, THEN GET IT! GET IT!
Joey: Hey, hey - that tone won't make me go any faster.
Monica: [warningly, in a growl] Joey...
Joey: That one will!


"Friends: The One with Joey's Interview (#8.19)" (2002)
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.


"Friends: The One with the Cop (#5.16)" (1999)
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."

Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."?

Gary: [to Phoebe] You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Joey, Chandler: Nice!


"Friends: The One with the Cake (#10.4)" (2003)
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

Ross: [filming with a camera] Hey, there's Uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
Joey: [flirty] 18, huh?

Joey: [barging in the door] Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. The whole time!
[Ross and Rachel come in]
Joey: I've been here the whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.


"Joey: Pilot (#1.1)" (2004)
Gina: I look pretty good for a mother of a 20-year-old.
Joey: Yeah, you never hear the argument *for* teen pregnancy.

Joey: Gina, I know he's your baby, but it's time to move on. Change can be good!
Gina: Oh, it's easy for you to say.
Joey: No it's not! No! Look... Nobody understands wantin' things to stay the same like I do. I was HAPPY in New York! Okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married, and had kids, and moved on. They all changed! So I'm givin' change a shot. And it has been *hard*. But... just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.

Gina: This is the best part. Sit here and lean back.
Joey: Is that the middle of the HOLLYWOOD sign?
Gina: That's the OLLYWOO sign.
Joey: I can see the OLLYWOO sign! And into that woman's bathroom. And now she sees me. Hi, neighbor!


"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)
Monica Geller: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Saddened] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: [Amused] Cool.
Chandler Bing: [Introducing them to each other] Ross, Joey, Joey, Ross.

Joey Tribbiani: Don't you want to ask me some questions?
Chandler Bing: What's up?
Joey Tribbiani: I'm an actor and don't worry, I'm totally okay with the whole gay thing.
Chandler Bing: What gay thing?
Joey Tribbiani: You know in general, the whole "people being gay," I'm totally cool with that.

Janice Litman: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice Litman: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's a different question.
Janice Litman: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel Green: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there!


"Friends: The One Hundredth (#5.3)" (1998)
Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.

Rachel: How do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh,
[snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice]
Joey: Grandma's chicken salad.

Joey's Doctor: Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're too close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra!
Joey: [interrupting] Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option - what's a urethra?
[Monica whispers in his ear]
Joey: Are you crazy?


"Friends: The One with the Boobies (#1.13)" (1995)
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ma, what're you doin' here?
Gloria Tribbiani: I came here to give you these...
[hands him a bag of groceries]
Gloria Tribbiani: ...and THIS!
[smacks him in the back of the head]

[commenting on his family's dysfunctional situation]
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my Ma, like she wanted. My Ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know, even though she does. And my little sister, Tina, can't see her husband anymore 'cause he's got a restraining order - which has nothing to do with anything, except, I found out today.
Chandler Bing: Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.

Joey Tribbiani: I dont care how old you are as long as you're under my roof you only live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.


"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance (#6.4)" (1999)
[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!

[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometimes before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!

Joey: Probably a residual cheque. Can you open it? I got...
[shows his hands tied with string]
Chandler: Benefits Lasped.
Joey: Thats weird. I don't remember being in a movie called "Benefits Lapsed."
Chandler: [chuckles] It's not a cheque. They are saying your health insurance expired cause... you didn't work enough last year.
Joey: What? Let me see that. Oh no! This sucks. When I had health insurance I could... catch on fire, you know or get hit by a bus. Now I gotta be careful?
Chandler: I know what you mean, man, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.
Joey: Well, I guess I am gonna go get a job, I'll see ya later.
Chandler: Ok, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: [mocking] Make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
[turns and walks into the door]


"Friends: The One with the Worst Best Man Ever (#4.22)" (1998)
Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!

Joey: [about the duck] I've got him really well trained. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white

Ross: Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out, playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay?
Joey: You got it!
Ross: OK, see you later.
Chandler: Have fun planning your "mellow" bachelor party!
Joey: Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.
Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."
Joey: Oh. I chose not to hear that.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush (#4.13)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, that was just a theory. There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. Lone Gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler Bing: OH MY GOD!

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.

Rachel Green: [Wondering how to ask a client out on a date] I don't even know how I would go about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh oh oh, what I do is uh, I look a woman up and down and I say, "Hey, how you doin..."
Rachel Green: [Annoyed] Oh, please.
Joey Tribbiani: [to Phoebe] Hey! How you doin...
Phoebe: [Phoebe pauses a moment then looks away, giggling and flattered] Just fine.


"Friends: The One with the Blackout (#1.7)" (1994)
Joey: Hey Mon, wanna go for a ride in my racecar? I'll bring my arms...

Joey: [mumbling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.
Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!


"Friends: The One with All the Rugby (#4.15)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: [of Janice] So you bring her here? There's people here!

Dr. Ross Geller: [Watching Rugby on TV] I don't know what the big deal is? I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

Janice Litman: I'm riding the alimony pony!
[braying laugh]
Joey Tribbiani: [aside] And there it is...


"Friends: The One Where Ross Is Fine (#10.2)" (2003)
Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie Wheeler: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie Wheeler: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie Wheeler: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie Wheeler: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.

Joey: [Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him] Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly...
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're... You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me.

Ross: [Ross is hungover] I do still have a girlfriend, don't I? She didn't... see the dance?
Joey: No. That was just for me.


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath (#8.13)" (2002)
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's Rachel. Not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Ohh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Beat me over the head with it, why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for all you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us girls, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?

Joey: Hey, Chandler, you got a minute? I really need to talk to you.
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Is this a cold pizza talk or a leftover meatloaf talk?
Joey: Well, neither.
Chandler Bing: Oh, my god. What's up?


"Friends: The One with the Dirty Girl (#4.6)" (1997)
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah...
Ross: Well, like that, only that instead of a chair it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.

[Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag]
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
[Chandler looks at the bag]
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

[Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy]
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?


"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]


"Friends: The One with the Jam (#3.3)" (1996)
Joey: I imagine you marrying a blonde guy with a pool named... Hoit.

Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.

Chandler Bing: Hey, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked
[pause]
Chandler Bing: or a big tub of jam?
Joey: [nods head] Put your hands together.


"Friends: The One Where Joey Dates Rachel (#8.12)" (2002)
Rachel Greene: [Joey comes home from a date] Oh, thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo.
Joey Tribbiani: [Surprised] Alone?
Rachel Greene: Yes.
[Concerned]
Rachel Greene: What is wrong with this dog?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel Greene: No... seriously, what's wrong with this dog?

Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then...
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

Joey Tribbiani: Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one, they are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Rachel: Yeah, but I don't know why.


"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 1 (#5.23)" (1999)
[Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas]
Joey: Hey Rach. How you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross. Don't let her drink anymore.

[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!

Joey: None of you get to live in my great big hand-shaped mansion. Except uh, you Pheebs. You can live in the thumb.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part One (#4.23)" (1998)
Joey: We're going to London, Baby
Chandler: That's not going to get annoying.

Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.

Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.


"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder (#7.1)" (2000)
[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.

Joey: I can pass for 19, right?
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Seriously.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.
Joey: [gasps] I'm 30.
Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31.
Joey: Aw, crap.

Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?


"Friends: The One with the Routine (#6.10)" (1999)
Janine Lecroix: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
[kisses Joey]
Joey: [mumbles] Oomchimawa.

[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Stage Manager: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Stage Manager: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

[in mens' room]
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall Guy: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping...
Tall Guy: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown.
Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ...All right, that's fair.
[throws water at Tall guy's crotch]
Tall Guy: Hey. What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey. You're the one wetting your pants.


"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.

Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.

Joey: How big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: That's like me when I was born!


"Friends: The One with Rachel's New Dress (#4.18)" (1998)
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So - you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint.
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. Clint.
Joey: What's up with Gene?

Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.

Joey: If you want a strong name you should name him "The Hulk".
Phoebe: I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"!


"Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (#3.4)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel Green: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler Bing: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind
Chandler Bing: I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm going to be peeing every which way

Joey Tribbiani: The casting director doesn't talk to friends! She only talks to agents!
Phoebe Buffay: What a sad little life she must lead.

Phoebe Buffay: Okay, um, oh, the zoo commercial.
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't get it?
Phoebe Buffay: No. They said you '"... weren't believable as a human being." So, you can work on that.


"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)
Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right?
Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

Joey: Come on, man, you never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!


"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 1 (#9.23)" (2003)
Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?

Dr. Ross Geller: [Reading his speech to Charlie] ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie Wheeler: [In astonishment] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
[opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel]
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: [Walks in in disappointment] Dammit!
Charlie Wheeler: [to Joey] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler Bing: [to Charlie] Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler Bing: What?
[Realizing Ross caught his bluff]
Chandler Bing: 'Kay.
[Friendlily pats Ross on his chest]


"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos (#1.4)" (1994)
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that!


"Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French (#10.13)" (2004)
Phoebe: Well this looks pretty simple. Ok repeat after me, Je ma appelle Claude.
Joey: Answers, Je de coupe plough!

Joey: My audition is tomorrow. Che ble blah. Me la pee! Oublah! Poo.


"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing (#4.4)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: [talking about Mr Treeger] The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel Green: [crying] That is not true.

[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel Green: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel Green: You are so enjoying this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourrée.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]


"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother (#10.9)" (2004)
Joey: [shouts] Joey doesn't share food!

Joey: [seeing he and Ross are wearing the same shirt] Stupid Gap on every corner!


"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: I'm all about the honesty stuff, yeah. But not the stuff that's gonna get you into trouble.

Ross Geller: [fighting with Rachel, while everyone else is eavesdropping in Monica's Room] She was...
Joey Tribbiani: Awful!
Chandler Bing: Not good! Not good!
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing compared to you.
Ross Geller: Different.
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Chandler Bing: Uh oh.


"Joey: Joey and the Husband (#1.7)" (2004)
Eric: I get it. You're gay.
Joey: No! But if I was, I'd be attracted to myself!

Michael: I'm going to my room to study. What are you going to do?
Joey: I'm luring Alex's husband over with a pretend maintenance problem, because he's the Super, but my real plan is to prove to him that I'm sexy.
Michael: We lead very different lives, you and I.


"Friends: The One with the Sharks (#9.4)" (2002)
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: [turns round] Gesundheit.
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Really, great... did I actually ask you?
Hayley: No, that's just where you were going. I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this a lot.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: [turns round again] Seriously Gunther, you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE!
[Gunther looks scared]

Joey Tribbiani: [Joey eyes a hot blonde in the coffee shop] See, ordinarily I would talk to her but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her, did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about, about your whole dating attitude. You're in your thirties and you have never been in a long-term relationship. You know you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious.
Joey Tribbiani: You're right. I LOVE MY LIFE!


"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits (#10.5)" (2003)
Joey: Hey, finished my recommendation.
[He hands it over to Chandler]
Joey: Here. And I think you'll be very, very happy. It's the longest I ever spent on a computer without looking at porn.
Chandler: [reading] I don't... uh... understand.
Joey: Some of the words are a little too sophisticated for ya?
Monica: It doesn't make any sense.
Joey: Of course it does! It's smart! I used the the-saurus!
Chandler: On *every* word?
Joey: Yep!
Monica: Alright, what was this sentence originally?
Joey: Oh, 'They are warm, nice, people with big hearts'.
Chandler: And that became 'they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps?
Joey: Yeah, yeah and hey, I really mean it, dude.
Monica: Hey Joey, I don't think we can use this.
Joey: Why not?
Monica: Well, because you signed it baby kangaroo Tribbiani.
[Joey makes an 'and-what's-wrong-with-that' look]
Monica: Hey, why don't you stop worrying about sounding smart and just be yourself!
Chandler: You know what? You don't need a thesaurus, just write from here,
[points at his own heart]
Chandler: your full sized aortic pump.

Amy Green: Uh, sure you wanna eat that?
Joey: [Annoyed] I'm curvy and I like it!


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Gets Caught (#10.10)" (2004)
[Chandler comes back with Chinese food, and finds everyone in the living room]
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?

Rachel Green: What about you Joe, what would you give up, sex or food?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh... ooh... uhh...
[thinks really hard]
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel Green: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey Tribbiani: [sighs] Uhh, food... no, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Se- I dunno, oh god I want both! I want... I want girls on bread!


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
[Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? I don't get a good-bye?
Joey Tribbiani: Lucky bastard!

Joey Tribbiani: Let's play one more time, okay? And remember if I win, you do not move to Paris.
Rachel Green: Okay, can't believe I'm risking this again, but you are on! Alright Joey you remember the rules, heads I win tails you lose!
Joey Tribbiani: Just flip!
Rachel Green: Ah! Tails!
Joey Tribbiani: Damn it!


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work (#9.11)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: Who's going to die?
Joey Tribbiani: Um...Man with Eyepatch!

Phoebe Buffay: [walks in and hits Joey]
The Director: Cut!
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm mad at him! He slept with me and never called!
Female Extra #1: Yeah, me too.
Female Extra #2: Me too.
Joey Tribbiani: No, she means her character! We need some new Extras around here...


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding (#10.12)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: [officiating Phoebe and Mike's wedding] Friends, family, dog, thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special place, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.

Joey Tribbiani: [Talking privately] with a thick Italian accent last night I try to welcome you into my family instead you disrespect me, I cannot allow this
Mike Hannigan: Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Joey Tribbiani: More back talk, and yes I maybe borrowing a few lines from my recent unsuccessful audition of "Family Honor 2: this time is personal"
Mike Hannigan: I have a lot to do today what'd you want?
Joey Tribbiani: I want you to take this seriously, Phoebe is very important to me and I want to make sure you take care of her
Mike Hannigan: I love Phoebe she's the single most important thing in my life I'd die before I let anything happen to her
Joey Tribbiani: That's what I wanted to hear "because she's family and now you're going to be family and there's nothing in the whole world than family"
Mike Hannigan: That must've been one lousy movie
Joey Tribbiani: That was me!


"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish (#4.1)" (1997)
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Joey: [opening teaser, with flashback scenes throughout] Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and... I don't really know what happened with that. Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn't go out with a guy like Chandler, and he couldn't let it go, and... I don't really know what happened with that, either. Oh! And then Ross' new girlfriend Bonnie shows up, and Rachel convinced her to shave her head, and then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl, and... I don't know what happened there, either. You know what? Hold on, lemme go get Chandler.


"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [about a book Rachel read] I don't know. It has trees and wind and some kind of sacred pool. I don't get it, but she's pretty upset by it.
Joey Tribbiani: This is why I don't date women who read.

Joey Tribbiani: Anybody want a cruller?
Phoebe Buffay: You see? This is a typical Lightning Bearer thing. It's like "Hello, who wants one of my falic shaped man cakes?"
Joey Tribbiani: [looks at cruller] Who've you been dating?


"Friends: The One Where No One Proposes (#9.1)" (2002)
Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Thanks"!

Joey: The ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up, and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but you said 'will you marry me'.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did! Oh, my god, you didn't.


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)
[watching Joey's small role in a porno movie]
Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...

Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.


"Friends: The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy (#3.1)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?

Janice Litman: So, I hear you hate me.
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't said "hate", I was really careful about that.
Janice Litman: A little birdy said something about ripping your arm off and throwing it at me.
Joey Tribbiani: You got "hate" from that?


"Friends: The One with the Secret Closet (#8.14)" (2002)
Joey Tribbiani: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Then why do you throw like one?

[Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet]
Joey: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Wait.
[runs hands through hair]
Chandler: Oh, that's right. I'm *not* an eight year-old girl.
Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?


"Friends: The One with Joey's Fridge (#6.19)" (2000)
Joey Tribbiani: Say we were a divorced couple and I got custody of the kid. Then say the kid dies and I have to get a new kid.
Chandler Bing: [looking confused] Okay...
Joey Tribbiani: [pause] GIVE ME $400!

[Chandler, Joey and Ross are talking about Elizabeth]
Joey: Or you know, you could do...
[Pushes Ross into his fridge]
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
[Puts hand in fridge]
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
[Silence]
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
[Sniffs inside it]
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: [Seriously] Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
[Joey turns to Ross]
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!


"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk (#2.2)" (1995)
[Carol is nursing Ben]
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.

Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?


"Friends: The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel (#6.2)" (1999)
Monica: [on Chandler moving in] Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: Np. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: [enters the apartment] Hey, you feelin' better, man?

Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe Buffay: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.


"Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies (#10.15)" (2004)
Joey: [about Estelle] I'm going to call her and hire her again.
Phoebe: No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart.
Joey: You blow me away.

Joey Tribbiani: [at Estelle's memorial] Thank you for coming. We are here to pay our respects to a wonderful agent, and a beautiful woman. Inside.


"Friends: The One with the Inappropriate Sister (#5.10)" (1998)
Chandler: Great. Now we can go to the Ranger game. That was last night.
Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets.

Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!


"Joey: Joey and the Tonight Show (#1.16)" (2005)
Joey: Thanks. It's just, when I was a kid, I used to dream about being on the Tonight Show. You know, Johnny Carson would come out and introduce me and I'd come out and he'd say, 'How you doin' Joey?' and I'd say, 'Just great, Johnny' and now that day is finally here. I'm so scared, 'cause...
Michael: Because you're afraid you're gonna say Johnny's name instead of Jay's?
Joey: It could so happen.

Gina: You know what, it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of the news helicopters to come down and pick you up.
Joey: That's great! Okay, we just gotta get their attention. Uh, Ooh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our bodies to spell out 'Joey Tribbiani needs to get to the Tonight Show fast!'


"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica Geller-Bing: I do.
Chandler Bing: I do.

Joey Tribbiani: Look, I have somewhere I need to be, so if we can shoot the scene fast, that'd be great. But, I don't need to tell you, you're a professional.
Richard Crosby: ...I'm wearing two belts.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you drunk?
Richard Crosby: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, you are!
Richard Crosby: Well, all right.


"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2001)
[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

Richard Crosby: I found the picture.
Joey: Picture? What picture?
Richard Crosby: Could you lower your script? I need to see your face so I can play off your reaction.
Joey: OK, I know you're a great actor and you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff... But you're spittin' all over me, man!
Richard Crosby: Well of course I have.
Joey: You know you've been spitting on me?
Richard Crosby: That's what real actors do! Enunciation is the mark of a good actor, and when you enunciate, you SPIT!


"Friends: The One with the Kips (#5.5)" (1998)
Chandler: What else you got? Magazines, Diretoes... Condoms?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you don't know how long where going to be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

Rachel Green: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey Tribbiani: So, I'm thinking basically we pick it up, and then we flip it.


"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (#1.5)" (1994)
Joey: Oh my God, Angela. Well I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, that seems good.

Monica Geller: So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall, short?
Joey: Yup!
Monica Geller: Which?
Joey: Which what?
Monica Geller: You've never met Bob, have you?
Joey: No, but...
Monica Geller: Oh my god! Joey! For all we know, this guy could be horribly...
Angela: [Angela and Bob enter] Hey, Joey!
Monica Geller: [gets a good look at Bob] ... horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now!


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus (#4.11)" (1998)
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
[pauses]
Ross: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song (#9.7)" (2002)
[in Richard's apartment]
Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'.
Joey: So?
Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it...
[Joey looks thoughtful]
Chandler: Get there faster.
[Joey thinks for a few seconds]
Joey: Ohhhh.

[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.


"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends (#3.13)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: [Robert's 'goods' are on display as he reaches for a quarter in his sock. Chandler is pushing against Joey to 'keep away' from the sight] What are you doing? Get back on your side of the-
[sees Robert's 'show.']
Joey Tribbiani: Helloooo!

Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey Tribbiani: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey Tribbiani: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.


"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS (#5.4)" (1998)
Phoebe: [on phone] I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey Tribbiani: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: [stares blankly] ...Dammit.
[hangs up]

Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Of course.
Joey: Okay, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]


"Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty (#7.14)" (2001)
Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.

[Monica passes out, drunk at her birthday party]
Phoebe: [Points towards her dress] Okay help me get this off.
Joey: Yeah!


"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device (#3.8)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not judging.

Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey Tribbiani: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.


"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1995)
Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.

Joey: [to Phoebe] Would it be okay if I asked out your sister?
Phoebe Buffay: Why - why - why would you want to do that?
Joey: So that, if we went out on a date, she'd be there.


"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater (#8.2)" (2001)
Joey Tribbiani: It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. I've always felt that we have this "special bond". Rachel Green, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!

Rachel Green: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey Tribbiani: [warily] Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call!
[Starts to leave]
Joey Tribbiani: I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!


"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)
Chandler: [Comes home to find all their possessions gone and Joey locked in the entertainment center] OH MY GOD!
Joey: [Yelling from inside the entertainment center] WHAT?
Chandler: [Walking to the entertainment center and letting Joey out] are you alright?
Joey: Aw man he said he wouldn't take the chairs!
Chandler: [shouting] what hell happened? how were you locked in and where the hell is all of our stuff?
Joey: This guy came by to look at the unit and he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man
Chandler: [suspiciously] So you got in there "voluntarily"?
Joey: I was trying to make a sale, oh man if I ever see that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler: [shouting] Bend over?

Joey: [after Phoebe tells everybody her mother is reincarnated in the cat she's holding] Phoebe's mom's got a huge...
Chandler: Let it go.


"Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip (#3.17)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, can you close that window, Chandler? My nipples could cut glass over here!
Phoebe: Wait, really? 'Cause mine get me outta tickets!

Joey Tribbiani: Anybody got a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh, I do!
[sarcasm]
Chandler: Wait, no, I took it out of my shirt when I put it on this morning.
Monica Geller: So if your parents hadn't gotten divorced, you'd be able to answer a question like a normal person?


"Friends: The One with the Prom Video (#2.14)" (1996)
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?

Joey Tribbiani: [On Ross in the video] Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.


"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break (#5.22)" (1999)
Joey Tribbiani: Where do you wanna eat?
Chandler: I don't know...
Joey Tribbiani: I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. So, clear your mind. Clear it tight out. Clear it out. Clear it.
Chandler: Ok! Ok, it's all clear except for this image of a small, purple lamp. Is that all right if that stays in there?

Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey Tribbiani: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!


"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions (#5.11)" (1999)
Joey: 1999, the year of Joey!

Rachel: Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and get me that book back that he borrowed from me?
Joey: [Suspicious] Now? You want me to go over there now? I don't...
[Rachel approaches him suspicious too]
Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well, then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Ok, fine.
[They stare each other in silence]
Joey: You don't know!
Rachel: Alright, how about I go over there, and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!


"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies (#2.20)" (1996)
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.

Joey: You know, one of these times, you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over!
Monica: Ooh, that'd teach me a lesson.


"Friends: The One with the Blind Dates (#9.14)" (2003)
Joey Tribbiani: You can't be having s-e-x while taking care of a b-a-b-i-e!

Monica Geller-Bing: [Referring to Emma] why did you take her?
Joey Tribbiani: Because you two were having "sex"
Joey Tribbiani: No we weren't
Joey Tribbiani: Don't you lie to me, I can tell by Chandler's hair
Joey Tribbiani: [to Chandler] you are so lazy, can't you be on top for once?


"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table (#6.11)" (2000)
Joey: I hate Pottery Barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed.
Chandler: You took off your pants and climbed under the sheets!

Joey: She kisses better than my mom cooks!
Monica Geller: I am so glad you said "cooks".


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Dream (#9.19)" (2003)
Joey Tribbiani: [Practicing lines while talking to a pineapple] God, you're beautiful. Why are we fighting this?
[Rachel walks in]
Joey Tribbiani: You know you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you, I need you. Let me make love to you.
Rachel Green: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.


"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy (#1.15)" (1995)
Joey: You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how you gonna talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you wanna caress my butt!


"Friends: The One with Joey's Bag (#5.13)" (1999)
[Talking about Joey's top hat]
Joey: Like you can find something as sophisticated as this.
Chandler: [Puts basket on his head] Done.


"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break (#3.15)" (1997)
Ross Geller: [about calling Rachel] We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler Bing: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler Bing: [to Joey] You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler Bing: Why? What happened to him?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing He just *really* believes that.


"Joey: Joey and the Big Break: Part 1 (#2.1)" (2005)
Joey: [rehearsing his lines] 'We've got to get rid of this body.' No, it's too stiff. I gotta make it my own. 'This body, we gotta get up and go get it gotten rid of.' There it is, that's how people talk.


"Joey: Joey and the Student (#1.2)" (2004)
Michael: You know, I think I'm just gonna go up to the girl and start talking.
Gina: Okay, just... make sure you're nice to her.
Joey: Yeah, but not too nice.
Gina: Compliment her.
Joey: Ignore her.
Gina: Compliment her, then ignore her.
Joey: Yeah.
Michael: Okay...
Gina: Make sure you ask her name.
Joey: And then call her a different name.
Gina: And make eye contact.
Joey: Yeah, but don't stare at her.
Gina: You Want to seem interested.
Joey: But completely bored.
Gina: Just be yourself.
Joey: No, no! Pretend to be somebody else.


"Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice (#1.8)" (1994)
Joey Tribbiani: What are you staring at?
Chandler: Oh nothing. It's just that your overcoat sounds strangely like Brent Musburger.


"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding (#2.24)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler Bing: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice Litman: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!


"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche (#6.5)" (1999)
Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there!
Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys!


"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss (#10.1)" (2003)
Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he gone?
Rachel Green: How are you doing this?


"Friends: The One with Chandler's Work Laugh (#5.12)" (1999)
Dr. Ross Geller: Janice and I have a lot in common, we-we've both been divorced, we both have kids.
Phoebe Buffay: So you actually gonna see her again?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!
Dr. Ross Geller: I *am* gonna see her again.
Joey Tribbiani: Damn it, Phoebe!


"Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In (#5.7)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: [Joey and Chandler are laughing at Ross' changes to the answering machine] You're fake laughing too, right?
Chandler Bing: Only the tears are real.


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells... (#8.3)" (2001)
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe, Joey: Oh my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: [Joey gasps] That is brand new information!


"Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day (#4.14)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: [talking about Chandler being depressed after breaking up with Kathy] DOn't worry. He's still in his sweats. That's phase one! Don't worry... I'll be back for phase 2.
Monica: What's phase 2?
Joey Tribbiani: Getting drunk and going to the strip club!


"Friends: The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion (#3.24)" (1997)
Tim: I have to confess something.
Tomas: What is it man?
Tim: It's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.
Joey Tribbiani: So you're the gynecologist?
Tim: Hey I'm trying to have a private conversation here!
Tomas: [Breaks down] Oh no, man, oh no!
[Rachel hands him the napkin dispenser and he scrabbles with it]
Tomas: Just... just give me the thing, okay?
[storms out]
Tomas: And you! You are no longer my friend! We're through! Kaput!


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Book (#7.2)" (2000)
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?


"Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding (#2.11)" (1996)
[the Friends attend a lesbian wedding]
Joey: All these women, and nothin'.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.


"Friends: The One Where Monica Sings (#9.13)" (2003)
Joey Tribbiani: [after Chandler fixes his eyebrows] They look great. How you doing?


"Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out (#2.16)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: I'll just turn your bedroom into a game room or something. You know, put the foosball table in there.
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa. Why do you get to keep the table?
Chandler Bing: I did pay for half of it.
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, and I paid for the other half.
Chandler Bing: All right, I'll tell you what: I'll play you for it.
Joey Tribbiani: All right, you're on. I could take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass!
Chandler Bing: Your little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister!
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?


"Friends: The One with the Dozen Lasagnas (#1.12)" (1995)
Joey Tribbiani: [shopping for a new table] Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?
Chandler Bing: That's patio furniture.
Joey Tribbiani: So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Oh, oh, I'm outside again!"


"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know (#2.15)" (1996)
[Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's]
Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Joey: What if we have to pee?
[pause]
Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas...


"Friends: The One with the Ball (#5.21)" (1999)
[repeated line]
Joey Tribbiani: It's not a cat!


"Friends: The One with the Stripper (#8.8)" (2001)
Joey: [on answering machine] Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought you'd know something about it.


"Friends: The One with All the Candy (#7.9)" (2000)
[Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, but they got hooked on it]
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! What is the matter with you people? This woman was trying to do a nice thing for you. She was making candy so she could get to know all of you and I bet that not one of you can tell me her name. Am I right?
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: [mockingly] No not "Candy Lady"!
Joey: [pushing the neighbor aside] Let me know if we have candy!
Chandler: Alright, you know what? Forget it, all of you, forget it! You've ruined it! Go home, you've ruined it!
Joey: Yeah, you ruined everything! You ruined it!
Joey: [he goes into the apartment with Monica and Chandler and starts eating the candy]
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a while, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: [takes the note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...


"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa (#9.10)" (2002)
[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (#7.20)" (2001)
Joey: ...'Cause in Joey Tribbiani, you get a minister, and you get an entertainer. I'm a "ministainer!" There's no one better, there's no one greater!


"Friends: The One with the Mugging (#9.15)" (2003)
Joey Tribbiani: [Chandler is showing the shoes he has to come up with an ad for] Wow! Its like they're on fire!


"Friends: The One with the Two Parties (#2.22)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"


"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed (#3.7)" (1996)
Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!


"Friends: The One with Unagi (#6.17)" (2000)
Joey Tribbiani: I used to get medical experiments done on me all the time!
Chandler Bing: Ah, finally: an explanation.


"Friends: The One with All the Jealousy (#3.12)" (1997)
[Ross, Joey and Chandler talk about how Ross is pushing Rachel to Mark]
Chandler: She starts thinking, 'Maybe this is the guy for me because he understands me.'
Joey: And before you know it. she's with him and you'll be all, 'Oh man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Oh, dude!' And pretty soon you'll be like, 'Hi.' And, and, 'Well I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!'
Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?


"Friends: The One with All the Wedding Dresses (#4.20)" (1998)
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!


"Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus (#2.6)" (1995)
[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey: Ducks is "Heads", because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?


"Friends: The One with the Fertility Test (#9.21)" (2003)
Charlie Wheeler: First, I have to see the Met!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
Charlie Wheeler: No not the Mets, the Met, singular.
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie Wheeler: The museum.
Joey: I don't think so...


"Friends: The One with All the Cheesecakes (#7.11)" (2001)
Joey: [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor] All right, what are we having?
[takes out a fork and starts to eat with them]


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner (#3.14)" (1997)
Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
Monica: Well, what did you do?
Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
Monica: You know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, because it'll be more fun that way.


"Friends: The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. (#6.20)" (2000)
Joey Tribbiani: [talking to CHEESE] And the rabbi's beard? One hundred per cent horsehair!


"Friends: The One with Mrs. Bing (#1.11)" (1995)
[after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.


"Joey: Joey and the Temptation (#1.22)" (2005)
Carmen Electra: Oh Joey, this is my friend Elsa.
Elsa: [Joey waves at her] Drake Ramoray! I'm a big fan. You are huge in Iceland.
[Joey frowns. Turns to Carmen]
Elsa: Maybe...
[faces Joey]
Elsa: we can share him.
Joey Tribbiani: OH COME ON!
[exits]


"Friends: The One with All the Kissing (#5.2)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica Geller: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it felt French.


"Friends: The One After Ross Says Rachel (#5.1)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, dude! Let me in, I got a girl out here.
Chandler Bing: Well I've got a girl in here.
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't, I just saw you go in there with Monica.
Chandler Bing: Well, we're... we're hanging out in here!
Joey Tribbiani: Which one of us is gonna be having sex in there, me or you?
Chandler Bing: Well, I suppose I would have to say
[the last word in a growl]
Chandler Bing: YOU. Look, what if we're watching a movie in here?
Monica Geller: Yeah, which we are, and we already paid for it. It's My Giant.
Joey Tribbiani: My Giant? I love that movie!


"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 2 (#6.25)" (2000)
Chandler Bing: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna kick his ass! Will you help me?
Joey Tribbiani: Look, Chandler, I don't think us getting our asses kicked is the solution


"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries (#10.11)" (2004)
Donny Osmond: [the category is "Things you find in your refrigerator] Give me 20 seconds on the clock. Ready? Go.
Pyramid Partner: You put this in your coffee.
Joey: Uh - a spoon! Your hands! Your face!
Pyramid Partner: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!
Pyramid Partner: It's heavier than milk.
Joey: A rock! A dog! The earth!
Pyramid Partner: Pass. You put this on a sandwich.
Joey: Salami! Anchovies! Jaaaam.
Pyramid Partner: It's white.
Joey: Paper! Snow! A ghost!


"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2 (#9.24)" (2003)
Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing ] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing ] Erectus.


"Joey: Joey and the Plot Twist (#1.12)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: You wanna play a game?
Sawyer: Yeah!
Joey Tribbiani: Go tell that producer lady she left her oven on.


"Joey: Joey and the Nemesis (#1.6)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: Nope, she's not going anywhere. How are you feeling?
Michael Tribbiani: Not good Jo. Everything will be fine tomorrow though
Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah, how'd you figure?
Michael Tribbiani: 'Cause if she doesn't leave by then, I'm going to kill myself
Joey Tribbiani: Dont be so dramatic.
Michael Tribbiani: She said we're going to flush my system, Joey. I dont know what that means
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, your grandmother was the same when I was sick. Ive had my system flushed ... makes you ask yourself some big questions.
[turns tv on]
Gina Tribbiani: [turns tv off] don't even think about it. Michael is about to take his nap in here.
Michael Tribbiani: She makes me take a nap every day at one ...
[looks into space]
Michael Tribbiani: not tomorrow though


"Friends: The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey (#5.15)" (1999)
Chandler: I was really confused and I talked to these guys
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: She's right you know
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but still cheap shot!


"Joey: Joey and the Poker (#2.7)" (2005)
Joey: It is natural for humans to eat meat, okay? We eat the cows, the cows eat the grass, we mow the grass, which makes us hungry for more cows.


"Friends: The One Where Joey Tells Rachel (#8.16)" (2002)
[In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel]
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
[Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him]
Gunther: RACHEL?


"Friends: The One with Ross' Teeth (#6.8)" (1999)
Joey Tribbiani: [pointing out what's girly since Janine moved in] My towel isn't on the floor where it belongs. It's up here. It smells different.
Janine Lecroix: I washed it when I did the laundry. It's clean.
Joey Tribbiani: It feels different.
Janine Lecroix: It's dry.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant (#7.4)" (2000)
Phoebe: Joey, do you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
Joey: No, 'cause goats can't talk.


"Friends: The One Where They're Going to Party! (#4.9)" (1997)
[when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf]
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No. I had sex in high school.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Sister (#6.13)" (2000)
Joey Tribbiani: [after meeting Rachel's sister] Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: [angrily] Don't!


"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies (#2.3)" (1995)
Joey Tribbiani: I went out a couple of times with this girl - really hot, great kisser. But she had the biggest Adam's apple! It made me nuts.
Ross: Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey Tribbiani: ...
[laughs]
Joey Tribbiani: You guys are messing with me, aren't you?
Everyone: [pause] Oh, yeah, yes...
Joey Tribbiani: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "Whoa."


"Joey: Joey and the Spying (#1.21)" (2005)
Alex: It's already 8 o'clock, are you gonna be able to find anyone to go out with ?
Joey: Give me a letter!
Alex: H
Joey: [talking by cell phone] Hey Helen! It's Joey.... yep... no... OK!
Joey: She's coming over !
[while putting cell phone down]


"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2 (#2.13)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: [Chandler is wearing nothing but panties] Ohohooow, someone's flossing.


"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Joey Tribbiani: You're a monkey lost in the city. Where would you go?
Chandler Bing: Well, he's new in town, so he would first go to the touristy places. Okay, I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.


"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies (#7.13)" (2001)
Joey Tribbiani: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey Tribbiani: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel Green: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey Tribbiani: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel Green: Stevie the TV?


"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 1 (#6.24)" (2000)
Joey: The Mr.Bowmont is here!


"Friends: The One with the Soap Opera Party (#9.20)" (2003)
Rachel Green: You are having a party tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel Green: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you thing you were gonna get away with that?
Joey Tribbiani: I do it every year.
Rachel Green: You do it every year?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel Green: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys went for that one!


"Friends: The One After Vegas (#6.1)" (1999)
Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?
Chandler: Well, we actually missed it.
Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!


"Friends: The One with the Ride Along (#5.20)" (1999)
Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Smokes (#5.18)" (1999)
[Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben]
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door?
[Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there]
Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one!
[Chandler steps out]


"Friends: The One Where Ross Dates a Student (#6.18)" (2000)
[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.


"Friends: The One with the Chicken Pox (#2.23)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: What a phoney!
Chandler Bing: Well I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock into Nothing!


"Friends: The One with the Joke (#6.12)" (2000)
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?


"Friends: The One After I Do (#8.1)" (2001)
[last lines]
Mona: It's Joey, right?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! I...
[looks down]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] How small are your feet!