Phoebe Buffay
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Quotes for
Phoebe Buffay (Character)
from "Friends" (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Friends: The One Hundredth (#5.3)" (1998)
Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.

[Phoebe is in labor]
Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey. I came as soon as I heard.
Phoebe: Hey. Where's Alice?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, she's in Delaware. But, don't worry, she told me all about the lamazda training.
Chandler: Yes, that would be if you get the babies out by the end of the month, you get 2% financing.

Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one.
Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...

Nurse: Now, which one of you is the father?
[pointing to Joey and Ross]
Phoebe: Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: Okaaay.
Rachel: I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.

Frank Buffay Jr.: What's with him?
Phoebe: Umm, sympathy pains. I thought it was really sweet at first, but now I think he's just trying to steal my thunder.

Phoebe: Hey, you guys can I just like have a second alone with the babies.
[They hand her the babies and leave them alone]
Phoebe: So, here you are. It seems like yesterday I was talking to you in that little petri dish. Everyone said labor was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do, but they were wrong this is. Oh, I had the most fun with you guys! I wish I could take you home and see you everyday. Okay, I'll settle for being your favorite Aunt. I know Alice's sister has a pool, but you lived in me. Okay, so we're cool. Yeah, we're gonna be great. Little high fives!
[Imitates the high fives]
Phoebe: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
[One of the babies begins to cry]
Phoebe: Well, if you're gonna cry.
[She starts crying]

Chandler: So uh, now that little Chandler turned out to be a girl, what are they gonna name her?
Phoebe: They're gonna call her Chandler.
Chandler: That's kind of a masculine name, don't you think?
Phoebe: Works on you.

Phoebe: I already had a baby. Leave me alone.

Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey, y'know, Alice is gonna be here so soon, you couldn't just like do me a favor and like, like hold them in?
Phoebe: Sorry Frank, I'm kinda in the middle of the last favor you asked me to do.

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, Pheebs, Pheebs, its going to be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say. I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina.


"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)
Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know.

Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.

[Peering out the window]
Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.

Rachel: So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.

[about Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.

[Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler's relationship]
Phoebe: I can't believe it. I mean think it's great. For him, she might be able to do better.

Phoebe: Bye, Chandler, I miss you already!
Chandler: [shocked after feeling Phoebe pinch his butt] OK, did you see that with the inappropriate and the pinching?
Monica: Actually, I did.
Chandler: OK, now do believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica: Huh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she knows about us!

Chandler: Oh, you're leaving?
Phoebe: Not with you... lover!

Phoebe: [to Joey and Rachel] Observe the art of seduction. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.


"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: You've got to think about last night the way she does, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: But she'll never know how he feels
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's ok maybe it's better this way now you can move on you've been trying to for so long and now you're on different continents maybe you can actually do it: finally get over her
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true except I don't want to get over her
Joey Tribbiani: [Surprised] What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I want to be with her
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Really?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah I'm going to go after her
Joey Tribbiani: What'd think she'll say?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: My cab's downstairs I'll drive you to the airport
Dr. Ross Geller: [to everybody] Ok wish me luck you guys

Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's for the best

Dr. Ross Geller: [Referring to Rachel in the coffee shop] And then she said "it was the "perfect way to say goodbye"
Joey Tribbiani: What'd you say?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing what'd you say to that
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: You've got to tell her how you feel
Dr. Ross Geller: No way
Joey Tribbiani: You can't just give up, is that what a dinosaur would do?
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude I'm just trying to speak your language
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: She doesn't know you want to get back together if she did she might differently she might not even go

Rachel: [Rachel enters] I just dropped Emma off at my mother's
Joey Tribbiani: You're not taking her with you?
Rachel: [Referring to Ross] No we decided I'd go first and set everything up and my mom would bring Emma on Sunday
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Wow eight hour flight a one year old? Good luck mom
Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hour flight with my mom talking about Atkins? Good luck Emma

Joey Tribbiani: [Ross enters] Did you talk to Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I didn't and I'm not going to
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down you guys saw what happened with Gunther that did not look like fun
Joey Tribbiani: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean his more sexier in an obvious way you have relationship with her you slept together last night
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah and she still wants to go it's pretty clear where she is, even I were to tell her I don't have to do it now I'll be seeing her again we've got time
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't she's going to Paris and she's going to meet somebody do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's a city of Gunthers

Monica: [Monica enters carrying one of the babies] Hey
Chandler: [Chandler enters carrying the other baby] Hey
Dr. Ross Geller: Awkward question: the hospital knows you took two right?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What kind of twins are they?
Monica: [Referring to the baby she's carrying] This one's a boy the baby Chandler's carrying is a girl
Chandler: Her name is Erica
Joey Tribbiani: That pregnant girl's name is Erica
Chandler: It's a shame the two of you didn't get to spend more together
Monica: [to Ross] We named the boy "Jack" after dad
Dr. Ross Geller: His going to be so happy

Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What are you working on?
Joey Tribbiani: It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [Pointing to a big smudge on the poster] Is that the baby?
Joey Tribbiani: No, I sat on the paint
Mike Hannigan: [Mike enters in] Hey
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What'd you have there?
Mike Hannigan: It's a welcome home poster for the baby it'd be a lot better but I didn't have enough time to work on it
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [Mike unrolls the poster and shows everyone] Honey that's gorgeous
Joey Tribbiani: [Jealous tone and facial expression to Mike] You know the baby can't read

Mike Hannigan: [Referring to Monica and Chandler's twin babies] I want one
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Which one? I'll try to slip in my coat
Mike Hannigan: Seriously, you want to make one of those?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: One? How about a whole bunch?
Mike Hannigan: Really?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Yeah, we can teach them to sing and be like the Von Trapp family


"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)
Phoebe: [opens apartment door] No! Mr. Heckles, no one is making any noise up here!
Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice!
Phoebe: You don't play the oboe!
Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe.
Phoebe: ...Then I'm going to have to ask YOU to keep it down!
[slams the door]

[flashback scene, 1 year before the pilot]
Phoebe: [looks through window] Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.

Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross and Phoebe are kissing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. My foot is stuck in the pocket. No I can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear.
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on, don't start. Ow!
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Stupid balls are in the way.

Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where is everyone?
Phoebe: Its already closed. Felix gave me the keys to lock up. What's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: My marriage, I think my marriage is kind of over.
Phoebe: Why?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because my wife's a lesbian... and I'm not one.

Phoebe: I moved out.
Monica Geller: What?
Phoebe: I didn't tell you but everyone else knew. That's supposed to be a good thing. I forget why.

Dr. Ross Geller: We'd be out and Carol would be like, "Ross, look at that beautiful woman," and I'd be like, "My wife is cool."
Phoebe: Do you think that Susan woman's her lover?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well now I do!

Janice Litman: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice Litman: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's a different question.
Janice Litman: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel Green: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there!


"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.

Phoebe: [hugging Will] It's just like I imagined.

Phoebe: Will, just take off your shirt and tell us.

Chandler: It's been a while since we've yelled something... Maybe we should... No.
Phoebe: What? No. Damn you ref. Burn in hell.

Rachel: Do you have a problem with me?
Will: I dunno... do I, do I?
Phoebe: I think you do!

Ross: I'm back in the club!
Will: Yeah. Shall I call a meeting to order?
Ross: Is everybody present?
Will: With the exception if Tiktaka.
Phoebe: I want to join!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel: [referring to Mrs. Altman, the fifty year old librarian Ross made out with in high school] There's a picture of her in the yearbook.
Phoebe: [everyone looks] Wow.
Ross: Hey, she didn't photograph well!
Chandler: Yeah, well, she was probably unfamiliar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?
Phoebe: [pauses] Because I'm normal.

Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.

Monica: Wow, I haven't made this many cookies since the 8th grade!
Phoebe: What was that, for a bake sale or something?
Monica: No, just a Friday night

Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.

Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's lookin' up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking *up*?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that, right?
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See - darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That's what *you* think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's... wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y'know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: NESTLE TOLLHOUSE?
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language!
Monica: [grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips] Phoebe, is *this* the recipe?
[tosses her the bag]
Phoebe: [reading the recipe on the back of the bag] Yes!
[realizes]
Phoebe: Ohhhh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why
[looking down]
Phoebe: you're burning in hell!

Monica: I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe!
Phoebe: You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?
Monica: Uh-huh, yeah.
Phoebe: You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?
Chandler Bing: Dying people say the craziest things!


"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)
Phoebe: I just realized something. Joker is poker with a j... coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's "joincidence"... with a c.

Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know he can get really competitive.
Phoebe: [laughs]
Monica: What?
Phoebe: [pretends to pick up a phone] Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!

Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: [Throws Down His Cards]
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.
Joey: [Looks round the group, seeing stunned faces]
Joey: Oh, I'm out

Phoebe: You guys, you know what I just realized? "Joker" is "poker" with a "J." Coincidence?
Chandler: Hey, that's... that's "joincidence" with a "C!"

Rachel: I got an interview!
Monica: Where?
Rachel: Saks Fifth Avenue!
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! It's like the mother ship is calling you home!

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica, Rachel, Phoebe: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: No...


"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)
Phoebe: [Phoebe has been hired to sing in a children's program at the library] Oh, Grandma is a person that everyone likes, / She bought you a toy train and a bright shiny bike, / But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, / The last time you saw her she looked a lot thinner. Now your parents told you she moved to Peru, / but the truth is she died and someday you will too.

Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday when you get older you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you, but don't!/ 'Cos that's another thing that you don't want to do. Everybody! That's another thing that you don't want to do.
Monica: Excellent!
Chandler: Very informative!
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!

Phoebe: [singing] The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her up/ And that's where we get hamburgers... And now, Chickens!

Phoebe: [singing] Sometimes men love women/Sometimes men love men/And then there are bisexuals/Though some just say they're kidding themselves/

Phoebe: I feel so awkward. When you play for adults they keep on doing their adult stuff. Kids *listen*.


"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1995)
[Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair]
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh.
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH.
Monica: OH MY GOD.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW.

Phoebe: [Julie has asked Phoebe to cut her hair] Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie McDowell is the actress in "Four Weddings and a Funeral", right?
Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowell. Andie McDowell is the actor in "Planet of the Apes'.

[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Monica: Hey, Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking!
Phoebe: Oh, okay. How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: [Monica glares at her]
Phoebe: Not even close...?
Monica: No... only *now* that's what I'm thinking.

Rachel: [sticking her head out of her bedroom] Uh... morning! Hey, you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: Oh, no no no no no! I'm not falling for that again!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night...
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paolo: [coming out of Rachel's bedroom] Buon giorno, tutti!


"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: [laughs] Vaguely.
Chandler Bing: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?
Eddie Menuek: [laughs] Yes.
Chandler Bing: So what happened?
Eddie Menuek: We took a roadtrip to Las Vegas, man!
Monica Geller: So on this "roadtrip" did you win any money?
Eddie Menuek: Nah, crapped out, but Mr. 21 here cleans up 300 bucks, buys me this new pair of shoes. Sweet, huh?
Monica Geller: Yeah.
Eddie Menuek: Well see ya pals!
[exits]
Phoebe Buffay: Is anyone else starting to really like him?

Phoebe Buffay: You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel Green: Pool drainer!
Monica Geller: Twig snapper!
Rachel Green: Monkey butt!
Monica Geller: That's not in the book!
Rachel Green: No, but that's what you are!

Joey Tribbiani: Anybody want a cruller?
Phoebe Buffay: You see? This is a typical Lightning Bearer thing. It's like "Hello, who wants one of my falic shaped man cakes?"
Joey Tribbiani: [looks at cruller] Who've you been dating?

Rachel Green: This book could have been called "Be Your Own Windkeeper, Rachel"!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't think it would have sold 13 million copies then, but it would have made a nice gift for you.

Phoebe Buffay: Okay, question number twenty-eight: "have you ever allowed a Lightning Bearer to take your wind?" I would have to say "no".
Monica Geller: [with an "is she kidding?" look] And I would have to say "puh-HUH!"


"Friends: The One with the Stripper (#8.8)" (2001)
Dr. Leonard Green: What's new with you?
Rachel: Um... I got TiVo!
Dr. Leonard Green: What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant.

Phoebe: I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you?
Rachel: [hesitating] Uhh, well, I got TiVo...!
Dr. Leonard Green: [confused] What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant!

Phoebe: [Rachel has lied to her father about her upcoming marriage to Ross] I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Dr. Leonard Green: [Rachel has asked Phoebe to go to dinner to help her tell her father she is pregnant] Why don't I order everyone the Mandarin chicken?
Phoebe: I don't eat meat.
Dr. Leonard Green: It's chicken!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don't eat that either.
Dr. Leonard Green: [shaking his head] I'll never understand you lesbians.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's New Dress (#4.18)" (1998)
Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh, no!
Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.

Chandler: [Ross is worried that Emily is gay because she and Susan are having so much fun together in London] Hi. Hi. You're crazy. Ok, this is Emily, Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Phoebe: [Phoebe is trying to decide on a name for one of the triplets]
[Shaking her head]
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm definitely, I don't like the name 'Ross'.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: No, no, I just, I meant for the baby.
Ross: What's wrong with 'Ross'?
Phoebe: Well it just, you know, something like this would never happen to like 'The Hulk', you know.

Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr., Jr.
Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third?
Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies, and we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
Phoebe: Oh, wow. That's so nice. Oh. Oh. Cougar.
Alice: ...You think about it.

Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So - you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint.
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. Clint.
Joey: What's up with Gene?

Joey: If you want a strong name you should name him "The Hulk".
Phoebe: I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"!


"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Joey: Hey, Phoebs, do you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?

Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.


"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)
Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did.
Jack Geller: Is that...
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, *again*.
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau.
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle.
Joey: I wanna gooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.

Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.

Phoebe: So, Rachel, this is a traditional English trifle?
Rachel: Yes it is.
Phoebe: So did you make it with beef or eggplant?
Rachel: Beef.
Phoebe: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. Awe.
[Phoebe gets up and walks away smirking]

Phoebe: I LOVE JACQUES COUSTEAU!


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding (#10.12)" (2004)
Chandler Bing: Wow, aren't you gonna be cold?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't care. I-I'll be my 'something blue'.

Phoebe Buffay: [Speaking her vows to Mike] When I was growing up I didn't have a normal mom and dad or a regular family like eveybody else. And I always knew that something was missing. But now I'm standing here today knowing that I have eveything that I'm ever gonna need. You are my family.

Chandler Bing: I'm so glad we're having this rehearsal dinner, you know, I so rarely get to practice my meals before I eat them.
Phoebe Buffay: [Upset] What did we say was your one gift to us?
Chandler Bing: No stupid jokes. But I thought that was for the actual wedding.
Phoebe Buffay: Rehearse it!

Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, where's Emma?
Rachel Green: Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix.
Monica Geller-Bing: Are you still crying about your damn baby?


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry (#6.14)" (2000)
Phoebe: You're trying to remember where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint... FROM PORN. Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie.

Phoebe: [watching E.T] You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for 3 days to that. No, 2. Cause on the third day my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: See now that I can understand crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad, when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

Ursula Buffay: [Ursula stars in a porno film] At last, I've found you, Nosfera-tool!
The Vampire: Phoebe, are you going plunge that stake into my dark places?
Ursula Buffay: Actually, I was hoping it might be the other way around!

Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
[goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up from the table] Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi everybody, what are you ...
[screams and points at the TV]
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?


"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready (#3.2)" (1996)
Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.

Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to wait.

Phoebe: Rachel didn't have anything that I liked, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.'
Chandler: What are you supporting?
Phoebe: Duh. Christmas.

Phoebe: [on answer machine] Hi, it's me, I'm coming over now. Hey! What if I'm already there when you're playing this message?
Phoebe: [giggling] Is that too spooky?


"Friends: The One with the Ring (#6.23)" (2000)
Chandler: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want Monica to find out.
Phoebe: You told me.
Chandler: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures.
Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet.
Chandler: Me too.

Chandler: Sir, would you mind if you held out that ring and asked my to marry you?
Jeweler: OK... Will you marry me?
Chandler: Oh my God, that's it, that's the ring. How much is it?
Phoebe: Wait, Chandler, I'll handle this. How much IS it?
Jeweler: $8,600.
Phoebe: We will give you ten dollars.

Chandler: [about the guy who bought the engagement ring Chandler had chosen] All right, where was he going?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's a restaurant, it's... the Rainbow something.
Chandler: Rainbow Room?
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: Rainbow Grill?
Phoebe: No.
Chandler: Somewhere over the...?
Phoebe: L'Espace.
Chandler: Rainbow L'Espace!
Phoebe: No, no. Just L'Espace.
Chandler: [thinking] I would love to know how you got from Rainbow to L'Espace.
Phoebe: No, you wouldn't. You don't want to get in here
[points to her head]
Phoebe: .

Rachel Green: Paul's a very private person.
Phoebe: You just have to think of him like a jar of pickles.
Rachel Green: So what am I supposed to do, run him under some hot water and bang his head against a table?


"Friends: The One Where Emma Cries (#9.2)" (2002)
Rachel Green: I have to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: I have to go scream into a pillow.

Phoebe Buffay: [after Monica gets Emma to stop crying] Have I gone deaf?

Monica Geller-Bing: It worked!
[singing]
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, baby, baby, baby; Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Phoebe Buffay: You must be a *fireball* in bed!

Monica Geller-Bing: I can't believe it, she's asleep. I got her to go to sleep. I've actually magical powers!
Phoebe Buffay: I can hear traffic and birds. I can hear the voices in my head again!


"Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip (#3.17)" (1997)
Chandler: [Ross and Rachel have exploded at each other] Hey everybody, guess what I am!
[Starts dancing and jumping around]
Phoebe: Hey, hey, HEY! Look what you're doing to Chandler!

Chandler: Oh, that's great, with my luck, that's gonna be him.
Phoebe: Him? Him Ross?
Chandler: No. Hymn 253, His Eyes Are on The Sparrow!

Joey Tribbiani: Hey, can you close that window, Chandler? My nipples could cut glass over here!
Phoebe: Wait, really? 'Cause mine get me outta tickets!

Phoebe: Aren't you gonna go?
Rachel Green: No, thank you.
Monica Geller: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Rachel Green: Well, they never have any paper in there, you know, so my rule is: "No tissue, no tushy."


"Friends: The One with the Prom Video (#2.14)" (1996)
Phoebe: [Referring to Ross and Rachel] see? He's her lobster!

Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing?
Ross: [Quickly picks up Chandlers bracelet from the floor]
Chandler: It's a...
[goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away]
Chandler: ...Yeah it's a little flashy...
Ross: No no... no no... it's not flashy. Not for a Goodfella.

[Ross took a message from a guy to Rachel]
Ross: Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
Phoebe: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... you know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight.

Phoebe: [Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit] Hey, Monica, what's this?
Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school. I was bigger then.
Chandler: Really? I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.


"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Runs (#6.7)" (1999)
[ready to leave a voicemail greeting]
Rachel Green: OK, ready? Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: It's
Rachel Green: Rachel
Phoebe Buffay: And
Rachel Green: Phoebe's.
Phoebe Buffay: Please
Rachel Green: Leave
Phoebe Buffay: Leave
Rachel Green: I just said "leave".
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that's because you have all the good words. What do I have? Oh, I have "it's", "and", oh, I'm sorry I have "a". Forget it.
Rachel Green: That's not true.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, then we can switch?
Rachel Green: No. I have all the good words.
[Phoebe looks mad]
Rachel Green: Alright. Let's switch.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi
Rachel Green: Everybody.
Phoebe Buffay: It's
Rachel Green: Rachel
Phoebe Buffay: And
Rachel Green: Phoebe's.
Phoebe Buffay: Pl... wait, how did you do that? Oh, you're no ordinary roomate. This shall be interesting.

Rachel Green: It's just the way you run is a little...
[waves her arms like crazy]
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. Well, I wasn't embarrassed running next to Miss Ch Ch Ch
[imitating Rachel]

Phoebe Buffay: I can see why running next to me would be embarrassing for you. Yeah. You're uptight.
Rachel Green: Hey, I am not. Whoa. I am not uptight. Man.

Phoebe: Me, I'm more free. You know, I run like I did when I was a kid because that's the only way it's fun. You know? I'm mean, didn't you even run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were running towards the swings or running away from Satan?
[Rachel looks confused]
Phoebe: The neighbor's dog.


"Friends: The One with the Dollhouse (#3.20)" (1997)
Ross Geller: Wait a minute. The house is built on radioactive waste and an ancient Indian burial ground? That-that would never happen.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you obviously don't know anything about the U.S. government.

Phoebe Buffay: A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel.
Joey: You had a barrel for a doll house?
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a barrel.

Ross: No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there.
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets.

[Phoebe started putting her dollhouse stuff away]
Phoebe Buffay: Come, dinosour, we're not welcome at the house of no imagination.


"Friends: The One with Frank Jr. (#3.5)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [about the entertainment center being too large] Ah, good job Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. It's big.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe *all* the rulers are wrong.

Phoebe Buffay: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah
Phoebe Buffay: So is it like art?
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
Phoebe Buffay: Um, yeah sure. Why? You wanna call your Mom?
Frank Buffay Jr.: No, I wanna melt it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.
Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah!

Chandler Bing: [To Joey] Spackle boy get up!
Monica Geller: [To Joey] You started this!
Chandler Bing: He started mine first.
Phoebe Buffay: Build the unit Cinderelli, lay the tiles Cinderelli.

Phoebe Buffay: [on the phone] I can't come over, I have company!
[Frank is staring blankly into space]


"Friends: The One with Princess Consuela (#10.14)" (2004)
Phoebe: Rita is a massage client.
Mike Hanigan: Oh, why don't you introduce me?
Phoebe: Rita, this is my husband.
Mike Hanigan: Why don't you tell her my name?
Phoebe: Ok, I will. This is... this is my husband, Crap Bag.
Rita - Massage Client: Crap Bag.
Mike Hanigan: If you need an easy way to remember it just think of a bag of crap.

[Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike]
Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay.
Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more.
Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs. Hannigan.
Phoebe: No, that's not my name either.
Monica: What did you change your name to?
Phoebe: Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.

Phoebe: Yeah, I changed my name. Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock!
Mike Hanigan: What...? Well, I guess I'm gonna change my name.
Phoebe: Oh yeah? To what?
Mike Hanigan: Uh... Crap Bag.


"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica Geller: There's banana on it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have the spirit of an old indian woman on mine.

Phoebe Buffay: That doesn't sound "painless"
Monica Geller: No, it was pain *full*

Phoebe Buffay: I knew something was wrong. My fingernails didn't grow at all yesterday.


"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding (#2.24)" (1996)
Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy? I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when you're 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.

Chandler Bing: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler Bing: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice Litman: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!

Phoebe: [Monica stares dreamily as Richard leaves the room] Oooh, I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy. I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.


"Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture (#7.5)" (2000)
Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night.
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997.
Ross: I knew you were going to throw that in my face! That was three years ago. She apologized and apologized. What more do you want?
Phoebe: We want the last six years back!
Ross: So do we! So do we!
Coffee people: [looking at Ross]
Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.

Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

Phoebe: Maybe you guys can get portraits done at a professional photographer.
Monica Geller: That's a great idea. And maybe they'll have one of those wind machines and I can go like...
[Monica starts waving her head and flipping her hair]
Phoebe: That's great. Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.


"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape (#3.18)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: It's not that I'm judgmental, but the whole thing is wrong, it's sick and wrong.
Ross Geller: Is it the age thing?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm okay with the age thing, until it starts to put its tongue down my brother's throat.

Phoebe Buffay: Alright, forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bathe in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler Bing: Or what my father calls "Thursday night".

Phoebe Buffay: This is not fair to Frank, and it's not fair to the babies, and you know what? It's not good home economics.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (#7.20)" (2001)
[Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her]
Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas.
Phoebe: To Ross.

Melissa Warburton: Phoebe, were you ever in a sorority?
Phoebe: Of course. Yeah. I was a... Thigh Mega Tampon.
Melissa Warburton: What one?
Phoebe: Yeah, you know, we were really huge too. But then they had to shut us down when Regina Phalangie died of alcohol poisoning.

Rachel: [to Melissa Warburton] C'mon, remember we were on the sleeping porch. We couldn't stop giggling... and our coconuts
[party bras]
Rachel: kept knocking together.
Phoebe: Oh! Somewhere, Joey's head is exploding.


"Friends: The One with the Thumb (#1.3)" (1994)
Phoebe: ...And I found 500 extra bucks in my account.
Chandler: Ohhh, Satan's minions at work again!

Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Rachel: I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Oh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come off!


"Friends: The One with Unagi (#6.17)" (2000)
[ater Ross has bragged about having "unagi"]
Phoebe, Rachel: [sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting] Danger!
[Ross screams]
Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Phoebe: [after Chandler mentions he and Monica will make anniversary gifts for each other] So what did you make Chandler?
Chandler Bing: Oh, I made a 'flablarghaargh'...
Phoebe: What is that?
Chandler Bing: Nothing!


"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2001)
Rachel Green: OK, promise not to freak out. We can't find Chandler.
[Phoebe walks in. Gives a thumbs up]
Rachel Green: er's vest. We can't find Chandler's vest?
Monica Geller: Oh, my God! Are you serious.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry. We found the vest. Although, we're going to have to keep an eye on it before it runs away again.
Monica Geller: [laughing] OK. Don't scare me like that. For a second I was like "Oh, my God! The worst has happened".

Ross: Chandler's missing.
[Ross and Rachel are in Monic'a doorway. Phoebe comes up]
Phoebe Buffay: What's going on?
[reading the note]
Phoebe Buffay: "Tell Monica I'm sorry"
[Phoebe looks up at Ross, then back at the note, then back to Ross]
Phoebe Buffay: Tell her yourself.

Rachel Green: Maybe it means "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank that kast of the milk" or maybe "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used your tweezers to pluck my nose hair"
[Ross and Phoebe stare at Rachel]
Rachel Green: He does. I've seen him.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe he's writing to tell her he changed his name. Like "Tell Monica I'm Sorry".
Ross: I think it means he freaked out.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't be so negative. Isn't it possible that Sorry's in there right now.


"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)
[Halloween costumes; Monica's Catwoman and Phoebe's Supergirl]
Phoebe: Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
Monica: So we do, Supergirl.
Phoebe: [laughs] No, it's me, Phoebe.

Rachel Green: Monica, we need more Candy.
Monica Geller: But there's only been like four kids!
Rachel Green: Yeah, but one of them told me she loved me so I gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder you're pregnant!

Phoebe: [dressed as Supergirl] I'm a masseuse. You know, by day...


"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS (#5.4)" (1998)
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right.

Phoebe: [on phone] I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey Tribbiani: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: [stares blankly] ...Dammit.
[hangs up]

Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa.
Phoebe: What thing about Santa?
Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Of course.
Joey: Okay, see you later.
[leaves]
Phoebe: Bye.
[stares, terrified]


"Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty (#7.14)" (2001)
Phoebe Buffay: Your middle name is Pamela?
Ursula Buffay: Uh-huh.
Phoebe Buffay: Wow. I never knew my middle name. Oh! Do you know my middle name?
Ursula Buffay: Yeah!
[Thinks.]
Ursula Buffay: Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: Phoebe is my first name.
Ursula Buffay: Oh! Okay. Then no.

[Monica passes out, drunk at her birthday party]
Phoebe: [Points towards her dress] Okay help me get this off.
Joey: Yeah!

Rachel Green: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Cause you know that hurts.
Rachel Green: So what? You know the way I see it...
[Phoebe pulls a hair out from the back of Rachel's head]
Rachel Green: Ow. Son of a BITCH!


"Friends: The One with the Cooking Class (#8.21)" (2002)
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! A woman flirting with a single man? We MUST alert the church elders!

Rachel Green: Here I am about to pop, and Ross is picking up women at "Sluts R US".
Phoebe Buffay: Is that a real place? Are they hiring?

Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Phalange.
Chandler: Chandler Bing.
Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name.
Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada.
[pause]
Chandler: I'll let myself out.


"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater (#8.2)" (2001)
[Joey thinks that Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to her]
Monica Geller-Bing: Joey, you can't marry her.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, lady, your day's over. It's my time now.

Joey Tribbiani: It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. I've always felt that we have this "special bond". Rachel Green, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!

Phoebe Buffay: I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.


"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)
Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom.
Ross: Uh... why do you think that?
Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case.
Ross: So?
Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee.
[Everyone stares... ]
Phoebe: Cats love fish!

Phoebe: [singing and playing in the coffee house] Dumb, drunken, bitch!

Phoebe: Ross, how many parents have you lost?
Ross: None.
Phoebe: OK, so you don't what if feels like when one of them comes back.


"Friends: The One with the Blackout (#1.7)" (1994)
Phoebe Buffay: [singing] New York City has no power / And the milk is getting sour / But to me it is not scary / 'Cause I stay away from dairy.

Rachel: When he smiled at me, those first three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe: Now, did you ride mopeds?... 'cause I heard... oh, I see, it's not about that right now.

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!


"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies (#2.3)" (1995)
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Without evolution, how do YOU explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something and I don't?
Ross: No, no, no Pheebs, we can't. Okay, because...
Phoebe: Why not? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? You know what? I think, I think maybe you put Ross "under the microscope".
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Phoebe: Go into the Light, Mr Heckles!


"Friends: The One After Vegas (#6.1)" (1999)
Joey: [Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married] Well, what happened, did we miss it?
Chandler: Well, we actually missed it.
Phoebe: [with clenched teeth] Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!

Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.


"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)
[Playing Football]
Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.

Rachel Green: Maybe there's some kind of league that we can join.
Phoebe: Isn't there a National Football League or something?
Chandler: Yeah, but they only play on Sunday and Monday nights.
Rachel Green: Oh shoot. I work Monday nights.


"Friends: The One with Monica's Boots (#8.10)" (2001)
Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

Trudie Styler: Look, I just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now the police will be here.
Phoebe: The Police... here? A reunion? Oh!


"Friends: The One with Joey's Bag (#5.13)" (1999)
Phoebe: She's dead.
Frank Buffay: Are you sure?
Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.

Phoebe: [On the phone] Ursula, I have the most amazing news, I found our dad... Phoebe, your sister. And I've found our dad! John Glenn? John Glenn is not our dad. No, I'm not gonna join you in a lawsuit against him. It doesn't matter that he wasn't there when we were growing up, he's not our father! What do you mean that's for a jury to decide?


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)
Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Phoebe: [Ross enters room carrying luggage] How long did you think this barbecue was going to last ?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Geez, you say one thing, and uh...
Monica: You're going to China ?
Ross: Yeh, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone, but they don't want to let us have the bone, so I'm going over there to try and persuade them, to give us the... it's a whole big bone thing.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Sandwich (#5.9)" (1998)
Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School.
Chandler: That is so cool.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class I took, but I was looking for something a little bit more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Phoebe: Why didn't you just say you didn't read the book?
Rachel Green: Well, I didn't want him to think I was stupid. I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you.


"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos (#1.4)" (1994)
Rachel: Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Phoebe: [to Monica, mocking Rachel's friends] Look, look... I have elbows!
[they both scream and wave their hands]


"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break (#3.15)" (1997)
Monica Geller: What do I do? Sit here quietly while the three of you have a conversation?
Phoebe Buffay: That would be great. Thank you.

Sergei: [Picks up a plate] Plate?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Yeah, plate! Plate! See, we don't need them.
Sergei: [Picks up a glass] Plate?
Phoebe Buffay: ...Yeah.


"Friends: The One with the Sharks (#9.4)" (2002)
[Mike kisses Phoebe for the first time]
Phoebe: You kissed me!

Joey Tribbiani: [Joey eyes a hot blonde in the coffee shop] See, ordinarily I would talk to her but my confidence is shaken. Did I sleep with her, did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: You know, maybe this is a wake-up call. You know, about, about your whole dating attitude. You're in your thirties and you have never been in a long-term relationship. You know you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience, never even worrying that it doesn't turn into something more serious.
Joey Tribbiani: You're right. I LOVE MY LIFE!


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Rachel, I know this may not be the best time, but um... Joey's going over the balcony again, could you just come talk to him?

Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Alright, I think I'm gonna head out.
Monica Geller-Bing: Where you think you're going?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: I thought I was going home to go to bed, but I'm sensing there's something less fun for me to do here.


"Friends: The One with Chandler's Work Laugh (#5.12)" (1999)
Dr. Ross Geller: Ok, look, I know what you guys are gonna say.
Phoebe Buffay: You two would have very hairy children.

Dr. Ross Geller: Janice and I have a lot in common, we-we've both been divorced, we both have kids.
Phoebe Buffay: So you actually gonna see her again?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!
Dr. Ross Geller: I *am* gonna see her again.
Joey Tribbiani: Damn it, Phoebe!


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work (#9.11)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: Who's going to die?
Joey Tribbiani: Um...Man with Eyepatch!

Phoebe Buffay: [walks in and hits Joey]
The Director: Cut!
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm mad at him! He slept with me and never called!
Female Extra #1: Yeah, me too.
Female Extra #2: Me too.
Joey Tribbiani: No, she means her character! We need some new Extras around here...


"Friends: The One with Joey's New Girlfriend (#4.5)" (1997)
Monica: [sneeze] Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!
Phoebe: You mean you stole it!
Monica: [sneeze]
Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

[performing while sick]
Phoebe: My sticky shoes. My sticky, sticky shoes. Why you stick on me? Ba-aby. Thanks for the lights, honey.


"Friends: The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie (#4.10)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: [a Christmas song for her friends] Went to the store/Sat on Santa's lap/Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap/He said all you need is to write them a song/They haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along/So don't sing along/Monica/Monica/Have a happy Hannakah/Saw Santa Claus/He said hello to Ross/And please tell Joey Christmas will be snowy/And Rachel and Chandler/
[mumbling]
Phoebe Buffay: ... hangler.
[finishes the song]
Phoebe Buffay: Happy Holidays, everybody.

Phoebe Buffay: [finishing a song she wrote for her friends] Spin the dradle, Rachel.
Rachel Green: That was nice, Phoebe, but Rachel doesn't rhyme with dradle.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, it's hard, but nothing rhymes with your stupid name.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Tan (#10.3)" (2003)
Amanda Buffamonteezi: Oh, bugger! Should I not have said that? I feel like a perfect arse.
Phoebe: Yeah, well, in America you're just an ass.

[Phoebe & Monica are trying to avoid seeing their former neighbor Amanda, and Monica is on the phone with Amanda]
Monica: Hi Amanda. Uh, actually, now is not a good time.
[Phoebe give Monica thumbs-up]
Monica: Dinner tomorrow night?
[Phoebe gestures and mouths 'no']
Monica: Okay, Phoebe and I will see you then.
[Hangs up phone]
Phoebe: Why, why, why didn't you just say no?
Monica: Well, I said no to her coming over now. I couldn't say no twice. I've got this uncontrollable need to please people.
Phoebe: Fine, fine.
[Walking into kitchen, visibly angry]
Phoebe: You would not hold up well under torture.
Monica: Oh, and you would?
Phoebe: [Quickly turns around] I did.
[Monica looks extremely surprised]


"Friends: The One with Ross's Denial (#6.3)" (1999)
Phoebe Buffay: [singing] I found you in my bed, how you wind up there, you are a mystery, little black curly hair
[Ross seems disturbed]
Phoebe Buffay: Little black curly hair, little black, little black, little black, little black, little black curly hair.

Phoebe Buffay: [to the people in Central Perk] If you wanna receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.


"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress (#7.17)" (2001)
Meagan Bailey: [after having exchanged information with Monica about their wedding dates and photographer] Oh, who's your band?
Monica Geller: My fiancé wants the Swing Kings.
Meagan Bailey: Oh, you're so lucky. My fiancé wants the heavy metal band, Carcass.
Phoebe Buffay: [excitedly] Oh, is that spelled with a "C" or a "K"? Oh my god, it doesn't matter, they're both great!

Phoebe Buffay: [somebody has just called Monica, told her something shocking and has then cut her off before she has had the chance to respond. Phoebe can't fathom what has happened.] Wh-what?
Monica Geller: That was that girl Megan. She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe Buffay: [shocked] Ooh!
[then excitedly]
Phoebe Buffay: Does that mean Carcass is available?


"Friends: The One with the Two Parties (#2.22)" (1996)
Sandra Greene: You thought I was Rachel?
Chandler Bing: Yes we did because you look so young.
Phoebe Buffay: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Phoebe Buffay: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"


"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed (#3.7)" (1996)
Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.

Phoebe: [sees a little kid playing with a race car bed - to kid] Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store.


"Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies (#10.15)" (2004)
[to Joey]
Phoebe: A promise between friends means never having to give a reason.

Joey: [about Estelle] I'm going to call her and hire her again.
Phoebe: No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart.
Joey: You blow me away.


"Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus (#2.6)" (1995)
[Dismissed from her gig at Central Perk, Phoebe is singing out in the street]
Phoebe: [singing angrily] When I play, I play for me! / I don't need your charity!
[a passerby throws money on Phoebe's guitar case]
Phoebe: [cheerfully] Thank you!

Phoebe: [singing angrily] Terry is a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk!


"Friends: The One in Massapequa (#8.18)" (2002)
Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person.
Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid.

Parker: You know, this apartment is... there are no words.
Phoebe: Oh, thank God.
Parker: It's a haven. A modern day Eden in the mist of...
Phoebe: [interrupting] Yeah, I know. I know. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.


"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance (#6.4)" (1999)
[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!

[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometimes before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!


"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song (#9.7)" (2002)
Rachel Greene: Take it from me. Mothers love me. Ross' mom actually said that I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica Geller-Bing: She said WHAT?
Phoebe Buffay: That she's like the daughter that she never had. Listen.
[Monica looks at Phoebe angrily]

Phoebe: Hi.
Monica, Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, you have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents, that's a big step.
Phoebe: Really? That hadn't occured to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper East side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah, she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright, so, which dress?
[shows them two dresses]
Phoebe: [long pause] You can say neither...
Monica, Rachel: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, we're gonna take you shopping, it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally, you are in such good hands and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit but not in a gross way, just kind of like "Oh, Mr Pinser, I can see where Wallas gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallas Pinser?
Rachel: Ah, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, duh!


"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)
Phoebe: [singing and strumming guitar while upside down] Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months will you greet us? I will... buy you some Adidas.

Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.


"Friends: The One with All the Kissing (#5.2)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica Geller: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it felt French.

Rachel Green: I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole little new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I just, you know, just stop it!
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
Phoebe Buffay: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.
Monica Geller: Makes me wanna puke!


"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2 (#9.24)" (2003)
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] Phoebe, I love you. I mean... I missed you so much these past few months, and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then... I suddenly realized that... there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
David: [interrupts] Kind of a step from the toes of what I was gonna say.
Mike Hannigan: [to David] Sorry David, but she really has to know this.
David: [to Mike] Alright, but after this, I want to see you outside...
[Glances out the window]
David: If the rain stops...
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How could I lose you? Now... I don't actually have a ring.
David: [interrupts] Uh... I have a ring.
Chandler Bing: [reminds David about his 1/70th of a carat diamond ring] I wouldn't brag too much about that thing big guy.
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] Phoebe, will you marry me?
Phoebe Buffay: ...No
David: [ridicules Mike] Um... Ha Ha
Phoebe Buffay: [to Mike] I love you. I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were heading somewhere... that we had a future...
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] We can have any future you want.
David: [after a brief moment of silence; interrupts] 'Kay well I'm uh... I'm gonna take off
Mike Hannigan: [to David] David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry!
David: Just so I know, uh, if I had asked first...
Phoebe Buffay: I... would have said yes, but that would have been wrong.
David: Please, you don't have to explain... I mean... perhaps I hadn't gone to Minsk, things would have worked out for us. And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip!
[walks away]

David: [to Phoebe] Um, Phoebe, um... I have uh... something I wanna to say...
Monica Geller-Bing: [Eavesdropping over at the next table; To Chandler] Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this. Lets go.
Chandler Bing: [to Monica] I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? "Uh... Phoebe, um... I would be honored if uh..." Spit it out, David!
David: [to Phoebe] Um... Phoebe, um...
[Chandler smacks himself in the face out of pity]
David: You're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was... unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help.
Phoebe Buffay: [Nods in agreement] Sure, okay, yeah.
David: But um... well now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart, so to that end...
[pulls out a ring from his pocket]
Phoebe Buffay: [Seeing Mike walk into the restaurant] Oh my God, Mike!
David: It's David, actually.
Phoebe Buffay: No, Mike's here.
David: [Turns around] Oh, hey Mike!
Mike Hannigan: Hey, David, Chandler, Monic - whoa
[upon seeing the unpleasantness of Monica's hair]
Monica Geller-Bing: [Cries in anger] It's the humidity!
Mike Hannigan: [to Phoebe] Hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: [to Mike] What... are you doing here?
Mike Hannigan: I have a question I need to ask you.
David: [to Mike] I have a question that I was going to ask her myself.
Mike Hannigan: [to David] Yea, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.
David: [Sarcastically] Okay! Would you care for my seat as well?
Mike Hannigan: Actually yeah, that'd be great.
David: Well that's fair you've had a long trip.


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath (#8.13)" (2002)
[Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her]
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's Rachel. Not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Ohh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
[under her breath]
Phoebe: Beat me over the head with it, why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for all you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us girls, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.


"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant (#7.4)" (2000)
Tag Jones: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name.
Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number...

Phoebe: Joey, do you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
Joey: No, 'cause goats can't talk.


"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions (#5.11)" (1999)
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Phoebe: Ok, lesson one, chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords, but I made up names for the way my hands look while I'm doing them. So this Bear Claw, Turkey Leg and Old Lady.


"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies (#2.20)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: [Phoebe sees the end of the film Old Yeller for the first time] OK, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?

Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Whatcha guys doin'?
Dr. Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: What're you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end?
Phoebe Buffay: What when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel Green: That's not the end.
Phoebe Buffay: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica Geller: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe Buffay: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Dr. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe Buffay: What, what's about to happen?
[starts watching]
Phoebe Buffay: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no, no Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no he-he's your buddy. He's your Yeller! No, no, no! The end, THE END!
[hears the gunshot from the TV]
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?


"Friends: The One with the Free Porn (#4.17)" (1998)
Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI.
Phoebe: Ugh. The name was my favorite part.
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab".
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good

[Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives]
Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking...
Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?


"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Monica Geller: [showing the guys her high school photos] This is me in Sound of Music. See the Von Trapp children?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Monica Geller: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler Bing: I thought that was an Alp.

Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god!
Monica: What, what?
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my left leg.
[Long pause]
Phoebe: Oh nevermind it was just my right leg.


"Friends: The One with the List (#2.8)" (1995)
[Phoebe has a taste of "Mockolate"]
Phoebe: Oh, sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!

Chandler: Alright! Check out this bad boy: 12 megabytes of RAM, 500 megabyte hard drive, built-in spreadhseet capabilities and a modem that transmits it over 28,000 bps.
Phoebe: Wow, what are you gunna use it for?
Chandler: Games and stuff.


"Friends: The One with the Truth About London (#7.16)" (2001)
Phoebe Buffay: Tell him who you originally wanted to hook up with that night.
Monica: [to Phoebe] What?
Chandler: [to Monica] What?
Phoebe Buffay: [to Joey] What?


"Friends: The One with the Chick and the Duck (#3.21)" (1997)
Monica Geller: Does this have to do with Chandler and that sock he keeps by his bed?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but let's come back to that later!


"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 1 (#9.23)" (2003)
Phoebe: [watching Monica and Mike play table tennis] My God, it's like watching porn!


"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1995)
Ross: Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word...
Phoebe: Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"?
Chandler: All right well I'm usin that same argument for "fligament"


"Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French (#10.13)" (2004)
Phoebe: Well this looks pretty simple. Ok repeat after me, Je ma appelle Claude.
Joey: Answers, Je de coupe plough!


"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother (#10.9)" (2004)
Phoebe Buffay: So Joey's out with my friend the other night and she reaches over and takes some of his fries...
Rachel Green: Oh, no.
Phoebe Buffay: You know about the plate thing?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I remember the other day it was breakfast and I had some grapes on my plate.
Phoebe Buffay: [to Joey] You wouldn't let her share a grape?
Rachel Green: Oh, no, not me. Emma.


"Friends: The One with the Birth (#1.23)" (1995)
Phoebe Buffay: [singing in the hospital] They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch Soon they'll grow up and resent you so much Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why And you cry and you cry and you cry And you cry and you cry...


"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits (#10.5)" (2003)
Phoebe: Ugh. I just had the worst anniversary dinner ever!
Chandler: Really? Tell her about us, last year.
Monica: I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a Rap song.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Word.


"Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice (#1.8)" (1994)
Chandler Bing: [referring to Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual] So what is it about me?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. You're smart, you're funny...
Chandler Bing: Ross is smart and funny, you ever think that about him?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, right!
Chandler Bing: What is it?
Monica Geller: Okay, I don't know. You just... you have a quality.
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Exactly.
Chandler Bing: Oh, good, "a quality," good. I was worried you guys were going to be *vague* about this.


"Friends: The One with the Fake Monica (#1.21)" (1995)
Phoebe Buffay: This is madness. It's madness I tell you. For the love of god Monica don't do it.


"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche (#6.5)" (1999)
Monica Geller: I wonder what age it is that you stop being able to put both legs behind your head.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I can still do that.
Monica Geller: How are you still single?


"Friends: The One with the Memorial Service (#9.17)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing.


"Friends: The One with All the Haste (#4.19)" (1998)
Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!


"Friends: The One Where Paul's the Man (#6.22)" (2000)
Monica Geller: Please, stop freaking out.
Chandler Bing: I'm not freaking out. Why would I be freaking out? A woman named Heldi called and said we were getting married, but that happens everyday.
Monica Geller: Honey, we were at this beautiful place, and I-I-I just put our names down for fun! I mean, what's the harm in that?
Chandler Bing: Right here!
Monica Geller: Chandler, please don't think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel...
Chandler Bing: Phoebe and Rachel! So the people that knew about our wedding before me were you, Phoebe and Rachel, Heldi, and apparently some band called Starlight Magic 7 who are available by the way!
Monica Geller: It was a mistake. Please don't take this to mean anything, because it doesn't.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: Really?
Chandler Bing: Yes, if it really doesn't mean anything, because you know that I'm just not ready...
Monica Geller: I know! I know.
Chandler Bing: Okay.
Monica Geller: I'm gonna go tell Joey that... that you're back. I was really worried about you.
[She leaves and Phoebe comes out of the guest bedroom]
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, did she buy it?
Chandler Bing: Totally.
Phoebe Buffay: So did Heldi show you the place?
Chandler Bing: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Phoebe Buffay: I can't believe you're gonna ask Monica to marry you!
Chandler Bing: [smiling] I know.


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells... (#8.3)" (2001)
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe, Joey: Oh my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: [Joey gasps] That is brand new information!


"Friends: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks (#5.8)" (1998)
[They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives]
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.


"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)
Kathy: Why is he in a box?
Rachel Greene: Joey had reasons.
Phoebe Buffay: They were threefold!


"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish (#4.1)" (1997)
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.


"Friends: The One Where Eddie Moves In (#2.17)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: I'm just not getting that everyone gets how smelly this cat actually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
Tilly: Honey, we can talk about this, it's just that it's costing about a hundred dollars a minute to be in here.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, okay. So, the cat stinks, but you love it. Let's go!


"Friends: The One with the Home Study (#10.7)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: Hello, is this the creepy residence?


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)
Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma?
Amy: I think so...
[looks at Phoebe]
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.


"Friends: The One with the Sonogram at the End (#1.2)" (1994)
Phoebe Buffay: You're all chaotic and twirly!


"Friends: The One Where Monica Sings (#9.13)" (2003)
Phoebe: [while Monica sings at Mike's Piano Bar the spotlight hits her and everyone can see through her shirt] Can you totally see through her shirt?
Mike Hanigan: Like an X-Ray.


"Friends: The One with the 'Cuffs (#4.3)" (1997)
[Monica is missing a fake fingernail]
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my God. Your nails.
Monica Geller: I know. I never wear fake ones I only did it so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just saying it's weird you only have nine now.


"Friends: The One Where No One Proposes (#9.1)" (2002)
Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe Buffay: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine!
Phoebe Buffay: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.


"Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out (#2.16)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: [to Rachel] Is your boyfriend the boss of you? No. YOU are the boss of you.


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (#9.5)" (2002)
Phoebe: [Sniffs Chandler] Oh, Chandler! You stink of cigarettes!
Chandler: Do you think Monica is going to be able to smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound! And the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: [Looks shocked] I'm gonna go.


"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know (#2.15)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: [proving to Monica that she can be a waitress] Give me two number 1's. 86 of bacon. 1 adam and eve on a raft and wreck em. Lalalalalala!


"Friends: The One with the Cop (#5.16)" (1999)
Phoebe: I'm in Vice. Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore.
Cop: Who... who else is in vice up there?
Phoebe: Um, do you know, um Sipowicz?
Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so.
Phoebe: Yeah, Sipowicz. Yeah, um, big guy, kind of bald.
Cop: No, I don't know him.
Phoebe: Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there. He's out. His, um... his partner just died.
Cop: Wow. Well, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss.
Phoebe: I sure will. Take care.
Cop: Hey! By the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.


"Friends: The One with the Stain (#8.7)" (2001)
Phoebe: [Phoebe returns to Eric's apartment after having to leave] Ready to pick up where we left off?
Eric: I don't know. I'm still kinda tired from this afternoon.
Phoebe: This afternoon?
Eric: Yeah, you know, all the sex this afternoon.
Phoebe: We did not have sex this afternoon!
Eric: Yes, we did!
Phoebe: No we didn't!
Eric: Well, it was either you or
[realization dawns]
Eric: someone who looked an awful lot like you.
Phoebe: Ew! You had sex with Ursula! Ew, ew, ew! This is just too weird!


"Friends: The One with the Cake (#10.4)" (2003)
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Phone Number (#9.9)" (2002)
[on the phone]
Phoebe Buffay: Listen... is Ross near you?
Mike Hannigan: No, I just left.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, you have to go back in.
Mike Hannigan: What? Go back? To the land where time stands still?


"Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt (#3.19)" (1997)
Ross: [after Joey enters and exits the apartment singing] I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Monica: Oh!
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan *was* right. Eventually, the rhythm *is* going to get you.


"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk (#2.2)" (1995)
Ross: Will everyone please stop drinking the breast milk?
Phoebe Buffay: So you won't even drink it?
Ross: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Not even if you pretended it was milk?
Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.


"Friends: The One Where Rachel Is Late (#8.22)" (2002)
Phoebe Buffay: [after Ross suggests that Rachel's outfit is inappropriate] Good God, man, don't anger it!


"Friends: The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel (#6.2)" (1999)
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe Buffay: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.


"Friends: The One with the Inappropriate Sister (#5.10)" (1998)
Phoebe Buffay: The charity's on fire!


"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.


"Friends: The One with the Boobies (#1.13)" (1995)
Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?
Phoebe Buffay: Nothing, nothing.
Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong? C'mon.
Phoebe Buffay: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
Roger: Oh. They don't.
Phoebe Buffay: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
Roger: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Intense and creepy.
Roger: Oh.
Phoebe Buffay: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.
Phoebe Buffay: You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behavior when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.


"Friends: The One with the Fertility Test (#9.21)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: [Entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there] Hey guys, look what I just got.
[Shows them a pair of shoes]
Rachel Green: Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe Buffay: I bought them off E-Bay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, then I overpaid.


"Friends: The One with All the Cheesecakes (#7.11)" (2001)
Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me, we're ready to order.
The man: I don't work here.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, then you shouldn't be walking around!


"Friends: The One with the Boob Job (#9.16)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: [Mike is going back to his apartment after two days at Phoebe's] I want you to stay!
Mike Hannigan: I want to stay, too, but I've gotten about as much use out of these boxers as I can.
Phoebe Buffay: Why don't you turn them inside ou - ?
Mike Hannigan: Done it.


"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner (#3.14)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: This next song is kinda sad. It's called "Magician Box Mix-Up."


"Friends: The One with Ross's Library Book (#7.7)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Wow. I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here.
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.


"Friends: The One with Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. (#6.20)" (2000)
Phoebe Buffay: [from a flashback] You know, if this were prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches!


"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1995)
Joey: [to Phoebe] Would it be okay if I asked out your sister?
Phoebe Buffay: Why - why - why would you want to do that?
Joey: So that, if we went out on a date, she'd be there.


"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister (#3.11)" (1997)
Chandler Bing: You see? You can't tell which is which, either! Bleh!
Phoebe Buffay: We didn't fool around with any of them! Bleh! Bleh!


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush (#4.13)" (1998)
Rachel Green: [Wondering how to ask a client out on a date] I don't even know how I would go about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh oh oh, what I do is uh, I look a woman up and down and I say, "Hey, how you doin..."
Rachel Green: [Annoyed] Oh, please.
Joey Tribbiani: [to Phoebe] Hey! How you doin...
Phoebe: [Phoebe pauses a moment then looks away, giggling and flattered] Just fine.


"Friends: The One with the Lottery (#9.18)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe Buffay: [sexy tone] Oooh, I like that, "Daddy".
Dr. Ross Geller: I... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me?
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying to be sexy] Well that depends, have you been a baaad gi...
[stops]
Dr. Ross Geller: no I can't.


"Friends: The One Where Ross Is Fine (#10.2)" (2003)
[last lines]
Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, Phoebs, we just wanna give you a heads up. Bill and Colleen hate us.
Chandler Bing: Owen didn't know he was adopted, and Monica told him.
[Monica slaps him on the shoulder]
Phoebe Buffay: Still, he had to find out some time.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, but how would you like it if someone told the triplets that you gave birth to them?
[the triplets are sitting right next to him, and they look horrified]
Chandler Bing: I'm gonna go tell Emma she was an accident.


"Friends: The One with the Monkey (#1.10)" (1994)
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?
[They all hit her with pillows]
Rachel: Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!


"Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt (#5.19)" (1999)
Monica: What about these, do these look the same?
Phoebe: Definitely.
Monica: Not as each other.
Phoebe: Oh, then, no.


"Friends: The One with the Butt (#1.6)" (1994)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica Geller: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica Geller: No problem!
Rachel Green: I'm not done yet.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
Monica Geller: WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
[she catches herself]
Monica Geller: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler Bing: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler Bing: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica Geller: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe Buffay: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]


"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break (#5.22)" (1999)
Phoebe: [about Ross] I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons.
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that...
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.


"Friends: The One Where They're Going to Party! (#4.9)" (1997)
Monica Geller: I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: It's ok, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe Buffay: You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!


"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 1 (#5.23)" (1999)
[In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker']
Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave?
Lurker: Also Monday.
Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.


"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part One (#4.23)" (1998)
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.


"Friends: The One with Rachel's Sister (#6.13)" (2000)
Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off.
Rachel: Wow. What did he say?
Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.


"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder (#7.1)" (2000)
Phoebe: Check it out! Okay, I can play this when guests are coming in. Okay
[singing]
Phoebe: 'First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay But here I am singing on his wedding day!'
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.


"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2 (#2.13)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: You know, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.


"Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo (#7.10)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Remember how you told me how your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And remember how you always said you were afraid that the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah...
Rachel Green: Do you really not know where I'm going with this?


"Friends: The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad (#6.21)" (2000)
Monica Geller: [to Paul in the coffee shop] You know, it is so strange seeing Ross here this time of day, because usually he's at the children's hospital.
Phoebe Buffay: [to Paul] Yeah. Not looking for dates.


"Friends: The One with the Routine (#6.10)" (1999)
[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: [finds a bag under the couch]
Phoebe: Oh! We have a large one!
Rachel: It's a Macy's bag!
Phoebe: [turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Ooh! Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear losers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Uh oh. I think she may be on to us.


"Friends: The One with the Baby Shower (#8.20)" (2002)
Rachel Green: What's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe Buffay: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica Geller-Bing: Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
Rachel Green: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!


"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies (#7.13)" (2001)
Phoebe Buffay: I'm hearing what you're saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe Buffay: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe Buffay: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself.
Phoebe Buffay: Um... is... is that because you're out of toner?


"Friends: The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin (#7.19)" (2001)
Rachel Green: What should we do for the theme?
Phoebe Buffay: Lusts of the Flesh!


"Friends: The One with the Candy Hearts (#1.14)" (1995)
Monica Geller: Hey, here's a picture of Scotty Jarrett naked.
Rachel Green: Oh, let us see!
[she and Phoebe look at the photo]
Rachel Green: Hey, he's wearing a sweater.
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green, Phoebe Buffay: EEWW!


"Friends: The One with the Nap Partners (#7.6)" (2000)
Joey: Hey, I can help you decide who should do it. We can have like an audition, and then see how you'd handle maid of honor-type situations.
Phoebe Buffay: What are you talking about?
Joey: Like when I want a job, right? I go to an audition, and if I'm the best of the people they see, I get the part, you know? Then they send you a script, then you go to the set, and you rehearse, and you have wardrobe fittings, and then you shoot your part. And it's great, but right after that, you're back down on the street looking for work again, right back where you started! So, I gotta say, I really don't think a career in acting is the right choice for you two.


"Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (#3.4)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: The casting director doesn't talk to friends! She only talks to agents!
Phoebe Buffay: What a sad little life she must lead.


"Friends: The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies (#2.18)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, which one is she?
Rachel Green: That's Brad's widow.
Phoebe Buffay: And why is she so upset?
Rachel Green: Because she just found out she's cut out of the will.
Phoebe Buffay: Doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals and your ability to give and receive love?
Rachel Green: No.


"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table (#6.11)" (2000)
Phoebe Buffay: [Ross's apothecary table has just been revealed after Phoebe dragged the tablecloth off it with her feet] Ross, where'd you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: [yelling] I got it at Pottery Barn, Okay?


"Friends: The One with the Ride Along (#5.20)" (1999)
Phoebe Buffay: When the revolution comes, I will have to destroy you all
[gets up to leave coffee house, looks back]
Phoebe Buffay: Except you Joey.


"Friends: The One with the Joke (#6.12)" (2000)
Monica: [Rachel, Phoebe & Monica are looking at the Playboy of the Month]
Rachel: See now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, see, & she knows how to build a fire, I mean that's got to come in handy!
Monica: Hey I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] I don't know...
Monica: [looking at Phoebe and Rachel] Yeah, me either...
Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Rachel.
Monica: [Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe] What?
Phoebe: I don't know... me neither
[Running off]


"Friends: The One After I Do (#8.1)" (2001)
Rachel Green: I can't. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me please.
[Phoebe looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really really great news. You know because the whole not being ready and financial aspects, all that stuff. This all just the way is supposed to be.
Monica Geller-Bing: [solemnly] Well, then great.
[Phoebe hands Rachel a tissue. Rachel starts crying]
Rachel Green: Thanks. God, this is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had.
[pause]
Rachel Green: It's negative?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's positive.
[Monica and Rachel are stunned]
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's not negative. It's positive.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah. I lied before.
[Rachel looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's a risky little game.
Monica Geller-Bing: Are you really going to do this?
Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby!
[the three of them hug]
Phoebe Buffay: With who?
Rachel Green: Aw, it's still not the time.


"Friends: The One with the Tea Leaves (#8.17)" (2002)
Jim: I write... Erotic novels, for children.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God!
Jim: They're wildly unpopular... and it might interest you to know that I have a PhD.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh yeah?
Jim: Yup, A pretty *huge d...*