Dr. Ross Geller
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Quotes for
Dr. Ross Geller (Character)
from "Friends" (1994)

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"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)
Amy: You know what would be great? If you guys died!
Ross: Thank you, Amy!

[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Rachel Green: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?

Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.

Ross: Hey, dude, are you okay? Sorry about before.
Chandler Bing: No, that's okay. You're totally right. I don't know anything about disciplining a child. But it did hurt my feelings, and I want you to know that if I die you don't get Joey.

Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
[Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.

Monica: Everyone, we're using our fancy china, and it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Ross: [mimicks losing the plate, waving it in the air] Whoa, whoa...!
[he laughs, then almost loses it, catching it in the nick of time]
Monica: Okay, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.

Chandler: So, if Monica's not around, I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: [looks down] No, that... that is not what we're saying.
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I... Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)
Ross: So what are you up to?
Will: I'm a commodities broker.
Ross: Really? That sounds interesting?
Will: Yeah, no, it's not but I'm rich and thin.

Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.

Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: [to Monica] No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!

Will: [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
[points to Ross]
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.

Ross: It was no big deal. We... we said that... the rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided that Rachel was a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Ross: I'm back in the club!
Will: Yeah. Shall I call a meeting to order?
Ross: Is everybody present?
Will: With the exception if Tiktaka.
Phoebe: I want to join!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel: OK, listen to what Sean McMann said in my yearbook. "Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person.". Not girl; person.
Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading too much into it.
Rachel: "Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person. Sorry about your teeny weeny.".
[Will is laughing at Rachel]

Chandler: I'm sorry. When you were in high school you made out with a fifty year old woman?
Ross: She didn't look fifty!
Chandler: Did she look sixteen?

Rachel: [referring to Mrs. Altman, the fifty year old librarian Ross made out with in high school] There's a picture of her in the yearbook.
Phoebe: [everyone looks] Wow.
Ross: Hey, she didn't photograph well!
Chandler: Yeah, well, she was probably unfamiliar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.

Monica: Hey guys this stuff is just so way in the past. You've been through so much since then. And right now you've got so much more important stuff going on in your life. Can't you just let this go?
Rachel: She's right.
Ross: Yeah. I mean we are having a baby together.
Will: Hold on! You got her pregnant?
Ross: Yeah.
Will: Are ya getting married?
Ross: Nope.
Will: So you knocked her up but you're not gonna marry her. Dude!
[Wants to high-five but Ross ignores him]
Will: Anybody?

"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)
Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.

[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.

Joey: [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.

Ross: Look, Rachel. I play to win, and in order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're going to play with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy, 'cause when I play poker...
[wipes his hands]
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.

Ross: I'm not in love with her.
Chandler: Then what was with that whole Black Bart speech? "When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy."

Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
Ross: I don't know.
Chandler: Is this still about her whole 'The Flintstones could've really happened' thing?
Ross: No, it's not just that. It's just--I want someone who... who does something for me, y'know? Who gets my heart pounding, who... who makes me, uh...
[begins to stare lovingly at Rachel]
Chandler: ...little playthings with yarn?
Ross: What?
Chandler: Could you want her more?
Ross: Who?
Chandler: [sarcastically] Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening!

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica, Rachel, Phoebe: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: No...

Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.

Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Joey: Okay, Ross, you're gettin' a divorce, you're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.
[Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!

Ross: [after he's broken up with Carol] Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
Phoebe: But...
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?

Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy, don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story, but I gotta go. I got a date with Angela... Andrea... Oh, man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here!

Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at in 12 interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you got new boots with 50% off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.

"Friends: The One with the List (#2.8)" (1995)
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."

Rachel: Chandler wrote something about me on that paper and I want to see it!
Ross: Chandler isn't that the short story you were writing?
Rachel: Short story? And I'm in it? I want to read it!
Ross, Joey, Chandler: NO!
Joey: Why don't you read it to her?
Chandler: It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there... A lonely grey couch..."OH LOOK!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The End.

Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.

Chandler: [Chandler is making up a short story] It was summer. And it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end.
Ross: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!

Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!

Chandler: [after doing a list of Rachel's pros and cons] All right, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross: She's not Rachel.

Ross: That was funny. Painfully funny. No, wait. Just painful.

Ross: [Rachel confronts Ross about the list] Okay, but look at the other side. Look at what it says about Julie.
Rachel Green: [Reads] "She's not Rachem"?
Ross: No!
Rachel Green: What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some paleontology term that I wouldn't know about because I'm just a waitress?

"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)
Isaac: We're the same, you and me.
Ross Geller: No, we're not.
Isaac: Yes, we are.
Ross Geller: No... we're not.
Isaac: Yes, we are.
Ross Geller: [angrily] No. We're not.
Isaac: [defensively] Okay, okay. We're not...
Ross Geller: Right.
Isaac: But we are.
Ross Geller: Fine. I just need to know that you're *not* gonna tell your sister.
Isaac: I can promise not to tell her *again.*

Ross Geller: [fighting with Rachel, while everyone else is eavesdropping in Monica's Room] She was...
Joey Tribbiani: Awful!
Chandler Bing: Not good! Not good!
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing compared to you.
Ross Geller: Different.
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Chandler Bing: Uh oh.

Ross Geller: What are you thinking?
Rachel Green: I'm thinking... I'm going to order a pizza.
Ross Geller: Order a pizza, like... I forgive you?

Ross Geller: [Rachel is ordering a pizza] No anchovies.
Rachel Green: Extra anchovies.
Ross Geller: That's okay, I'll just pick them off.
Rachel Green: And can you chop some up and like, mix them into the sauce?

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the copy place.
Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?

Ross Geller: This can't be it.
Rachel Green: ...then how come it is?

Ross: I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel Green: We were on a break.
Ross: That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.
Rachel Green: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.
Rachel Green: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.

"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flail about as if independent from his body!

Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.

Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas.
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.

Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.

Ross: That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape?
Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.

Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it?
[Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear]
Ross: EEWW NO. Her EAR.

Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14.
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man.

"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)
Joey Tribbiani: You've got to think about last night the way she does, maybe sleeping together was the perfect way to say goodbye
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: But she'll never know how he feels
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's ok maybe it's better this way now you can move on you've been trying to for so long and now you're on different continents maybe you can actually do it: finally get over her
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, that's true except I don't want to get over her
Joey Tribbiani: [Surprised] What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I want to be with her
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Really?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah I'm going to go after her
Joey Tribbiani: What'd think she'll say?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: My cab's downstairs I'll drive you to the airport
Dr. Ross Geller: [to everybody] Ok wish me luck you guys

Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's for the best

Dr. Ross Geller: [Referring to Rachel in the coffee shop] And then she said "it was the "perfect way to say goodbye"
Joey Tribbiani: What'd you say?
Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing what'd you say to that
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: You've got to tell her how you feel
Dr. Ross Geller: No way
Joey Tribbiani: You can't just give up, is that what a dinosaur would do?
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Joey Tribbiani: Dude I'm just trying to speak your language
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: She doesn't know you want to get back together if she did she might differently she might not even go

Joey Tribbiani: [Ross enters] Did you talk to Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I didn't and I'm not going to
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because she's just going to shoot me down you guys saw what happened with Gunther that did not look like fun
Joey Tribbiani: How can you compare yourself to Gunther? I mean his more sexier in an obvious way you have relationship with her you slept together last night
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah and she still wants to go it's pretty clear where she is, even I were to tell her I don't have to do it now I'll be seeing her again we've got time
Joey Tribbiani: No you don't she's going to Paris and she's going to meet somebody do you know how many hot guys there are in Paris? It's a city of Gunthers

Monica: [Monica enters carrying one of the babies] Hey
Chandler: [Chandler enters carrying the other baby] Hey
Dr. Ross Geller: Awkward question: the hospital knows you took two right?
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: What kind of twins are they?
Monica: [Referring to the baby she's carrying] This one's a boy the baby Chandler's carrying is a girl
Chandler: Her name is Erica
Joey Tribbiani: That pregnant girl's name is Erica
Chandler: It's a shame the two of you didn't get to spend more together
Monica: [to Ross] We named the boy "Jack" after dad
Dr. Ross Geller: His going to be so happy

"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)
Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
[seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window]
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
[rushes over there]
Ross: Stop what you are doing, I saw you through the window!
Chandler: Well, we had a good run. Five, six months, that is more some have in a lifetime. Bye.
Monica: Wait, I can handle Ross.
[opens door with her shirt buttoned wrong]
Monica: What's up, bro?
Ross: You!
[chases Chandler around the table]
Ross: You are my best friend. This is my sister.
[Rachel and Joey come in]
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: I think, just think, Ross just found out about me and Monica.
Joey: Dude, he is standing right there.

[Peering out the window]
Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.

Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.

[about Ugly Naked Guy]
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.

Ross: It's okay, 'cause you know what the difference between them and me is?
Chandler: Your history of bed-wetting?
Ross: [upset] I trusted you, man!

"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)
Ross: What is with everyone today? It's Thanksgiving not truth day!

Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.

Judy Geller: I think he's stoned again.
Chandler, Monica: What?
Ross: Dude, I need to talk to ya a sec.
[Chandler and Ross go into Rachels former bedroom]
Ross: Okay, I think I know why my parents don't like you.
Chandler: Yeah?
Ross: Okay, we were in college. Spring break. Sophomore year. I got high and my parents came in and smellt it so I said you had smoked it and jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Oh come on man. How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college? Let alone you living with my sister?
Chandler: What about that whole friends forever stuff?
Ross: I don't know I was all high.
Monica: [Monica enters] Mom and Dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned.
Chandler: Ross smoked pot in college and he blamed it on me.
Monica: Ross! I can't believe you'd do that.
Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is cause they hate me. So will you fix this please?
Ross: Fine, I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who was smoking the pot. Who should I say it was?
Monica: You! Doesn't matter its not like you still do it.
Ross: Okay, who should I say "tricked me" into doing it.
Monica: No one. You go out there and you tell them exactly what happened.
Ross: Really?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Anything else I should know?
Ross: No. Wait ya. Uh, you melted a bunch of my Dad's records.
Ross: [fake chuckle] Why?
Ross: Evidently you weren't good at handling your 'high.'

Ross: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?

Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey Tribbiani: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!

"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish (#4.1)" (1997)
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Rachel: I mean, the way you owned up to everything it just... proved how much you had grown, you know? I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was like: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross: [getting angrier and angrier] Mm hm.
Rachel: Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost these last four months.
Rachel: [taps Ross's face] But if time was what was needed to gain a little perspective.
Ross: [unable to restrain himself any longer, he screams] WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEAAAK!

Ross: [after reading Rachel's letter to him, blaming everything that went wrong in their relationship on him] It so does NOT!

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You, and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was five thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK!

Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with you! We are sooo over!
Ross: [fakes sobbing] Fine by me!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry.
[to Ross]
Rachel: I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, don't you worry about me falling asleep.
Ross: I still have your letter!

"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1995)
Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig?
Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic.

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: [Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches]
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to theguy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: [Chandler and Ross stare at him] What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?

[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
[notices Rachel has brought flowers]
Ross: What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
[begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie]
Rachel: These are for you; welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.

Ross: [Watching sumo wrestlers on TV] Ironically, these are the guys that were picked last in gym.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)
Ross: So, does it do something special?
Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.

Rachel Green: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross Geller: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
Rachel Green: I know, yeah, sorry.
Ross Geller: What, it's not your fault.
Rachel Green: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross Geller: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.
Rachel Green: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross Geller: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.
[goes back in apartment]
Rachel Green: Ohh, God.

Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Ross Geller: Twice!

"Friends: The One with Ross's Tan (#10.3)" (2003)
Ross: I went to the tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?

Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? You go in the booth, you count to five...
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

[Ross going to get a spray-on-tan at a salon]
The Tanning Salon Guy: Alright Mr. Gellar, right this way. So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2, or 3.
Ross: Well uh, I like how you look, what are you?
The Tanning Salon Guy: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two, I think, a two.

[Monica gives Ross the address to the tanning salon]
Ross: Hey, I know where that is. It used to be an X-Rated video... florist.

Ross: You sprayed my front twice!
The Tanning Salon Guy: [looking surprised] You never turned?
Ross: No! I barely even got to three Mississippi.
The Tanning Salon Guy: Mississippi? I said count to five.
Ross: Mississippilessly?

"Friends: The One with the Cake (#10.4)" (2003)
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence.

Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma?
Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Ross: Some can sing, some can dance. I, apparently, can turn phallic cakes into woodland creatures.

Ross: [filming with a camera] Hey, there's Uncle Joey!
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey. Say something to Emma on her 18th birthday.
Joey: [flirty] 18, huh?

Joey: [barging in the door] Okay, if Ross and Rachel ask, I've been here the whole time. The whole time!
[Ross and Rachel come in]
Joey: I've been here the whole time!
Ross: Joey, we just saw you come in. You ran past us on the stairs.

"Friends: The One with Unagi (#6.17)" (2000)
[Rachel and Phoebe have Ross pinned to the ground after he tried to scare them back]
Rachel: Say it. Say we are unagi.
Ross: It's not something you are, it's something you have!

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

Ross: Chandler. I sensed it was you.
Chandler Bing: What?
Ross: 'Unagi.' I'm always aware.
Chandler Bing: Are you aware that unagi is an eel?

[Ross has just scared Phoebe and Rachel]
Ross: At what point of those girlish screams would you have begun to KICK MY ASS?
Rachel: Alright, so we weren't PREPARED!

Ross: About that last move where the woman tripped you and then pinned you to the floor, what would you do next?
The Instructor: Well, she would try to take her keys and then jam...
Ross: No. No, what would *you* do next?
The Instructor: Who, me? The Attacker?
Ross: Yes, That's right.
The Instructor: Why?
Ross: I tried attacking two women - did not work.
The Instructor: What?
Ross: It's OK. I mean, they're my friends. In fact I was married to one of them.
The Instructor: Let me get this straight. You attacked youe ex-wife?
Ross: Oh, no, no, no. I *TRIED*.

"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross and Phoebe are kissing] Wait, wait, wait, wait. My foot is stuck in the pocket. No I can't get it out.
Phoebe: Well, that's not something a girl wants to hear.
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on, don't start. Ow!
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Stupid balls are in the way.

Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where is everyone?
Phoebe: Its already closed. Felix gave me the keys to lock up. What's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: My marriage, I think my marriage is kind of over.
Phoebe: Why?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because my wife's a lesbian... and I'm not one.

Monica Geller: Honey, what's wrong?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Saddened] My wife's a lesbian.
Joey Tribbiani: [Amused] Cool.
Chandler Bing: [Introducing them to each other] Ross, Joey, Joey, Ross.

Dr. Ross Geller: We'd be out and Carol would be like, "Ross, look at that beautiful woman," and I'd be like, "My wife is cool."
Phoebe: Do you think that Susan woman's her lover?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well now I do!

Janice Litman: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice Litman: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's a different question.
Janice Litman: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel Green: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there!

"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready (#3.2)" (1996)
Phoebe: [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.

Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late.
Phoebe: [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to wait.

[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.

Rachel: Oh, and, uh, by the way...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am going commando, too.

"Friends: The One with the Prom Video (#2.14)" (1996)
Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing?
Ross: [Quickly picks up Chandlers bracelet from the floor]
Chandler: It's a...
[goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away]
Chandler: ...Yeah it's a little flashy...
Ross: No no... no no... it's not flashy. Not for a Goodfella.

Ross: Hold my board
[trips up stairs]

Monica: [after watching the video] I can't believe you did that.
Ross: Yeah, well...
[Rachel walks to Ross and kisses him]

[Ross took a message from a guy to Rachel]
Ross: Hey, who's this uh, this Casey?
Phoebe: Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Ross: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her?
Chandler: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... you know, make a little love... well pretty much get down tonight.

Rachel Green: There is no us
Ross: No but...
Rachel Green: No, listen to me I fell for you and I get clobbered you fell for me then somehow I get clobbered again. I am tired of being clobbered it's just not worth it
Ross: But we...
Rachel Green: No, "we" are never going to happen, accept that
Ross: [Misunderstanding her] except what?
Rachel Green: [Speaking slower and clearer] no, accept that.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Is Fine (#10.2)" (2003)
Ross: [Ross just found out that Joey and Rachel were together and is now drunk] Ah, love. L-O-V-E love. 'L' is for life. I mean what is life without love?
[long pause]
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: 'O' is for OH WOW! 'V' is for this very surprising turn of events which i am *still* fine with by the way. 'EEE'
Ross: is for how extreeemeely normal I find it that you two are together and that one day you might get married... and have children of your own...

Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie Wheeler: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie Wheeler: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie Wheeler: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie Wheeler: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.

Ross: If you two are happy, then I'm happy for you. I'm FINE!

Joey: [Ross is very hung-over on the couch as Joey enters with a cup of coffee for him] Morning. Here you go.
Ross: Thanks. Did you stay here all night?
Joey: Yeah.
Ross: So you took off my pants and shoes?
Joey: No, no, no. You actually did that when you were dancing to the Chicago-soundtrack. Look, Ross, about, about Rachel and I. Listen, you don't have to worry about that, okay? Because nothing is gonna happen.
Ross: What do you mean?
Joey: Well, she and I said from the beginning that we weren't gonna do anything unless you were okay with it. And clearly...
Ross: Hey, what are you talking about? I'm fine!
Joey: It's okay, Ross, alright? I totally understand. Of course you're not fine. You're... You're Ross and Rachel.
Ross: Except we're not. I mean, we haven't been a couple in like, six years. Oh my god, is that right? Has it been that long?
Joey: That's what I hear, yeah.
Ross: This is crazy. I mean, six years? And because of me you guys aren't gonna be together? Can I ask you something? Really, what is this thing with you and Rachel?
Joey: Come on, I mean, you know me, you know...
Ross: Joey.
Joey: I'm crazy about her.
Ross: And she feels the same way?
Joey: I think so.
Ross: Well, then, maybe it's time we all moved on.
Joey: Yeah, but, Ross, I mean, you're not okay with it.
Ross: No, but I wanna be. Hey, I will be. Besides, I'm with Charlie, right? Oh my god, I'm still with Charlie, aren't I? I mean, she didn't see the dance, did she?
Joey: No, no, no, no, that was - that was just for me.

Ross: [Ross is hungover] I do still have a girlfriend, don't I? She didn't... see the dance?
Joey: No. That was just for me.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Finds Out (#2.7)" (1995)
Ross: What? You're over me? When were you... under me?

Ross: So, do you have any cats that are really old or incredibly sick?
Julie: Ross, I don't want one that's about to die...
Ross: Oh well, see, we should've worked that out before we came down here!
Julie: OK sweetie, I'm gonna narrow it down to this one over here... and this one with the stripes. Okay? You pick.
Ross: Whoa, hey... I... I have to pick?
Julie: Yeah, whichever one you want.
Ross: [Looks back and forth between the cats and scratches his head] Well, I don't know. I mean, it's not that easy to choose, you know... both cats are-are-are beautiful and um... funny. I'm sure I'd be happy with either cat.
Julie: Well do you wanna take both?
Ross: Both? Both! I can't have TWO cats! Joey's the kind of guy who could have two cats...

Rachel Green: [Rachel told Ross she had feelings for him right before he went off to buy a cat with his girlfriend. Ross enters suddenly, making Rachel jump] Oh! Hi.
Ross: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's... interesting...
Ross: No it's not interesting. It's very very not interesting. It's actually 100% the opposite of interesting, it's...
Rachel Green: OK, I got it Ross.

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross: [shouts] I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel Green: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should have said something before I met her!
Rachel Green: I didn't *know* then! And how come *you* never said anything to *me*?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel Green: Yeah right. You only had a *year* , we only hung out *every* night.
Ross: Not, not, not... *every* night.

Ross: The point is that I don't need this right now. It's too late. I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed!
Rachel Green: [angrily] So, you're just gonna, what, put away feelings or whatever the hell it was that you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!
Rachel Green: OK fine, you go ahead and you do that, all right Ross?
Ross: [turns to leave] OK, fine.
Rachel Green: Because I don't need your stupid ship.
[Rachel follows and calls out after him]
Rachel Green: And you know what? *Now* I got closure!
[Slams door and locks it but almost immediately dissolves into tears. Ross quietly returns and watches her through the glass door. Rachel gathers herself together and stands up. She sees Ross through the glass and gasps. She goes over to open it but starts to struggle with the locks]
Ross: Try the bottom one.
[Rachel does. She opens the door. They look at each other. Ross wordlessly pulls her into his arms and the two of them kiss - finally!]

"Friends: The One with Ross's Sandwich (#5.9)" (1998)
[Ross is given medicine for anger management]
Chandler: What did they give you?
Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore.

Ross: You're sleeping with my sister?
Joey: [Covering for Chandler] It was only for one night. It was when we were in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage.

Ross: You-you-you...
[trying to remain in control]
Ross: You threw my sandwich away... *my* sandwich?

Dr. Ledbetter: We've been getting reports of some... very angry behavior on your part.
Ross: [concerned] What?
Dr. Ledbetter: Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines. Apparently people now call you *mental*.
Ross: [proudly chuckles] Yeah.
Dr. Ledbetter: We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
Ross: Oh no.
Ross: You don't understand. Ugh, this is so silly. Um... this is all just because of a sandwich.
Dr. Ledbetter: [laughs in confusion] A sandwich?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. You see, my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches. Her secret is, she puts a... an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle; I call it the "Moist Maker".
[Ledbetter chuckles]
Ross: Anyway, I-I put my sandwich in the fridge over here, and...
Dr. Ledbetter: [laughs dismissively] Oh, oh you know what?
Ross: What?
Dr. Ledbetter: I-I-I'm sorry, I-I-I believe I ate that.
Ross: You ate my sandwich?
Dr. Ledbetter: It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Oh-oh-oh really? Did you confuse it with your *own* turkey sandwich with a Moist Maker?
Dr. Ledbetter: No, I, uh...
Ross: Do you perhaps remember seeing a *note* on top of it?
Dr. Ledbetter: There may have been a joke, or... limerick of some kind...
Ross: [getting angry] That said it was *my* sandwich?
Dr. Ledbetter: Now-now calm down. Um... come look in my office, some of it may still be in the trash.
Ross: [stands up in disbelief] What?
Dr. Ledbetter: Well, it was quite large, I-I-I had to throw most of it away.
Ross: You-you-you-you threw my sandwich away. *MY* sandwich? MY SANDWICH?

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
[Rachel is outside with Joey, leaving Ross the last one to say "good-bye" to]
Monica Geller-Bing: [to Ross] So, I guess you're next. You ready?
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't think so.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're definitely not. I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica Geller-Bing: You cried yesterday at the six-o'clock news.
Chandler Bing: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic!

[Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"]
Dr. Ross Geller: What? I don't get a good-bye?
Joey Tribbiani: Lucky bastard!

Dr. Ross Geller: I don't get a good-bye?
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Everyone gets a good-bye, but me? What do I got to do to get a good-bye? Huh? Uh, be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have - have a baby with you? Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I *did* all those things!
Rachel Green: Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: Or no, maybe, maybe I'm just not giving you enough credit! Uh, I mean it *is* difficult to say "good-bye" to five people. Uh, "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "goo - guh - guh", it's physically impossible!
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, after all we've been through, I can't believe *this* is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris.

Rachel Green: You really think I didn't say "good-bye" because I don't care?
Dr. Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Fine! That why didn't you say something?
Rachel Green: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "good-bye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your good-bye!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel Green: What?
[Ross kisses her]

"Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt (#3.19)" (1997)
Ross: So, how was your date with Mr. Millionaire?
Chandler: New, from Snooty Playthings, it's Mr. Millionaire. Third wife sold separately.

Ross: [after Joey enters and exits the apartment singing] I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh!
Monica: Oh!
Chandler: Yeah, either that or Gloria Estefan *was* right. Eventually, the rhythm *is* going to get you.

Ross: [after putting on his "Frankie say 'Relax'" T-shirt] Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna take the rest of my stuff and *relax* in my favorite shirt.

Ross: [staring through the peephole to see Rachel come back from her date with Mark] I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She'd say no, but here we are, right. We just broke up, first thing she does.
Chandler: You didn't just break up!
Ross: Hey, it's been like, three weeks!
Chandler: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower!

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Is Late (#8.22)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach, you ready to go?
Rachel Green: [from the bathroom] IN A MINUTE!

Doctor: It still could last a little while longer, if you're anxious, there are a few ways to help things along.
Dr. Ross Geller: Do them!

Dr. Ross Geller: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil!

Rachel Green: Hi, Doctor, how are you?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh sure, you're nice to her
Rachel Green: She has the drugs!

"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2001)
Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend.
Chandler: So now you're not my friend?
Ross: Not now.
Chandler: All right.
Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass.
Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again?
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me...

Ross: Chandler's missing.
[Ross and Rachel are in Monic'a doorway. Phoebe comes up]
Phoebe Buffay: What's going on?
[reading the note]
Phoebe Buffay: "Tell Monica I'm sorry"
[Phoebe looks up at Ross, then back at the note, then back to Ross]
Phoebe Buffay: Tell her yourself.

Rachel Green: Maybe it means "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank that kast of the milk" or maybe "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used your tweezers to pluck my nose hair"
[Ross and Phoebe stare at Rachel]
Rachel Green: He does. I've seen him.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe he's writing to tell her he changed his name. Like "Tell Monica I'm Sorry".
Ross: I think it means he freaked out.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't be so negative. Isn't it possible that Sorry's in there right now.

[Joey is starring in a World War I epic]
Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses?
Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks.
Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I.
Joey: Really? Great.

"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries (#10.11)" (2004)
Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well then who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?

[Ross is at college reunion and talking to a girl that both he and Chandler used to have a crush on]
Ross: He and I both really liked you a lot, but we didn't want anything to jeopardize our friendship, so we kinda made a pact that neither of us could ask you out.
Missy Goldberg: Really?
Ross: Yeah, why?
Missy Goldberg: Well, Chandler and I used to make out. A lot!
Ross: You did?
Missy Goldberg: Yeah. We'd go to the science lab after-hours...
Ross: And on my turf?

Missy Goldberg: So how come it took you so long to ask me out?
Ross: Do you remember my roomate? Chandler Bing?
Missy Goldberg: Sure, he was in your
[finger quoting]
Missy Goldberg: "band".
Ross: It's been sixteen years, but the air quotes still hurt.

Ross: [after realizing that he kissed other girl than Rachel at a college party] You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I *was* the pile of coats!
Ross: Oh my God!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss *ever*?
Chandler: What did I marry into!

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

[Ross is having problems naming all 50 states]
Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.

Ross: I hate to lecture you guys but it's kind of disgraceful that a group of well-educated adults, and Joey, can't name all the states. You ever see a map, or one of those round colorful things called 'a globe'?
Chandler: Magellan? You got 46 states.

Chandler: OK Ross, time is up.
Ross: Oh, just give me another minute.
Chandler: OK look Ross, if you don't know them by now, you will never know them. OK? That is the beauty of this game, it makes you want to kill yourself.

"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

Phoebe: [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]

Ross: I can't believe you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I was very drunk and it was somebody else's subconscious.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant (#7.4)" (2000)
Dr. Ross Geller: How could you tell her?
Chandler Bing: I had to, okay? We're getting married. Married people can't keep secrets from one another!
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City.
Chandler Bing: DU-UDE!
Monica Geller: What happened in Atlantic City?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar...
Chandler Bing: Did you not hear me say, "DU-UDE!"

Dr. Ross Geller: So Chandler and I are in a bar and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, ok? So after a while he goes over to her and after a minute or two I see them kissing. And I know what you're thinking, Chandler is not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler is *not* the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with *girls*.
Monica Geller: You kissed a guy? Oh my god!
Chandler Bing: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy!

Dr. Ross Geller: I laughed so hard.
Chandler Bing: Ho, ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again?
Dr. Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy.

Dr. Ross Geller: Well, maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too.
Monica Geller: I already told him everything! You shoosh!
Dr. Ross Geller: Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the maccaroni off a jewelry box she'd made.
Monica Geller: Ross used to stay home *every* saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica couldn't tell time until she was 13!
Monica Geller: It's hard for some people!
Chandler Bing: Of course it is!
Chandler Bing: Wow!
Monica Geller: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work!
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Monica Geller: I'm sorry, I couldn't think any more for Ross.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh-oh, in college Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!
Chandler Bing: That was you.
Dr. Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kised a guy.

"Friends: The Last One: Part 2 (#10.18)" (2004)
Ross Geller: [screaming at the answering machine] Did she get off the plane? God did she get off the plane!
Rachel: [Rachel shows up at the door] I got off the plane.

Monica: Do you realise that all of us have lived in this appartment at some point?
Ross Geller: Uh, I haven't!
Monica: What about that summer you stayed with Grandma and you tried to make it as a dancer?
Ross Geller: Do you know we almost made it ten years without that coming up?

Rachel Green: [on Ross' answering machine] Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Stewardess: Miss? Please, sit down!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love them.
Stewardess: Miss, I can't let you off the plane.
Ross Geller: Let her off the plane!
Stewardess: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel Green: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand!
Ross Geller: Try to understand!
Rachel Green: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...
[the answering machine beeps and cuts off the rest of the message]
Ross Geller: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel Green: [from behind Ross] I got off the plane.

Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck it wouldn't be the worst thing
[hands him money]
Ross Geller: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow
Joey Tribbiani: [Confused] has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] look around you guys this was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly because it was rent controlled it was a freakin steel
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] this is harder than I thought it would be

"Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo (#7.10)" (2000)
Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now.
Ben: Why? I want him to stay.
Chandler: Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode...

Ross: [enters the apartment wearing his "Christmas" costume, To Chandler dressed as Santa Clause and Monica and Ben also in the living room] I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part "Jewish" friend.

Ross: [In armadillo costume] What are you doing here Santa?
Chandler: [In Santa costume] Well I'm here to see my old buddy Ben! What are you doing here... weird turtle man?

the Salesman: Hello sir, are you here to return those pants?
Ross: No, these are my pants.
the Salesman: Oh... okay!

"Friends: The One with the Baby Shower (#8.20)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: I just Bamboozled Chandler! Which I must stress is not a sex thing.

Chandler Bing: This game makes no sense!
Dr. Ross Geller: You're just upset because you're losing.
Chandler Bing: Oh, come on, Ross, I think we're all losers here.

Dr. Ross Geller: I'd like a Wicked Wango Card?

Dr. Ross Geller: The Wheel of Mayhem has not been my friend tonight, Joey.

"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1995)
Chandler: "Garge"?
Ross: Nautical term
Chandler: Cheating man!

Ross: Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word...
Phoebe: Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"?
Chandler: All right well I'm usin that same argument for "fligament"

Ross: [runs into hospital holding Marcel] You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a "K"!
Nurse: Get that animal outta here!
Ross: No the animal hospital is on the other side of the city he's choking!
Nurse: Excuse me? This hospital is for people!
Ross: Lady he IS people! He has a name! OK? He watches Jepordy! He... he... touches himself when no one's watching!

"Friends: The One with the Fake Monica (#1.21)" (1995)
Rachel Greene: Marcel! Stop it, Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Greene: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Ross Geller: [Looking at zoos to send Marcel] I have a friend who can get him into Miami.
Chandler Bing: 'Course it's just two blocks from the beach, it's like a total party zoo.

Ross Geller: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler Bing: He's not going to make you wear a cone, is he?
Ross Geller: Apparently, Marcel's humping is not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey Tribbiani: [to Chandler] Hey, he beat ya!

"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss (#10.1)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel. Do you have any idea where Joey is?
Rachel Green: [long pause] I really don't.

Dr. Ross Geller: How do you think he's going to take it.
Rachel Green: That is hard to, Ross. That is hard to say.

Dr. Ross Geller: I'll keep looking. He's gotta be around here some place.
Rachel Green: You would think.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells... (#8.3)" (2001)
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe, Joey: Oh my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: [Joey gasps] That is brand new information!

Rachel Green: Oh, please. You inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

[Rachel has just told Ross that she is pregnant]
Ross: Yeah, I need uh... I'm just-I don't know-I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel Green: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What? Well they should put that on the box!
Rachel Green: They do!
Ross: No they don't!
[He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms]
Ross: Well they should put it in huge black letters!
Rachel Green: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (#7.20)" (2001)
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.

Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me.
Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough.
Chandler: [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset.
Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister.
Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do.

[for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars]
Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.

"Friends: The One with Joey's Fridge (#6.19)" (2000)
[Elizabeth is packing for spring break]
Ross: I'm just here to be supportive, to make sure you're...
[holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase]
Ross: What is this?
Elizabeth Stevens: A swimsuit.
Ross: To wear in front of people?
Elizabeth Stevens: Is that supportive?
Ross: [holding up swimsuit] Is *this*?

Ross: [about Elizabeth's spring break] What if she goes down there and sleeps with a bunch of guys?
Chandler Bing: Well, maybe you don't marry this one.

[Chandler, Joey and Ross are talking about Elizabeth]
Joey: Or you know, you could do...
[Pushes Ross into his fridge]
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
[Puts hand in fridge]
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
[Sniffs inside it]
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: [Seriously] Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
[Joey turns to Ross]
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!

"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk (#2.2)" (1995)
[Carol is nursing Ben]
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.

Ross: Will everyone please stop drinking the breast milk?
Phoebe Buffay: So you won't even drink it?
Ross: No.
Phoebe Buffay: Not even if you pretended it was milk?
Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

Ross: I just don't think breast milk is for adults.
Chandler Bing: Of course the packaging does appeal to the grown-up type.

"Friends: The One with the Kips (#5.5)" (1998)
Dr. Ross Geller: Remember how you told me I should give Emily whatever she wants?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what she wants is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel Green: That's crazy. What are you going to tell her?
[awkward silence]
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You already agreed to this, haven't you?
[her eyes are filling with tears]
Dr. Ross Geller: But the good news is, we get to spend as much time together as we want before Emily comes to New York!
Rachel Green: [clapping her hands] Oh! That is great news! You know what, Ross? I think that's the best news I've heard since Lepooh died!

Dr. Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel Green: What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Dr. Ross Geller: Look. Monica told me about the phasing out thing. I'm the one who is making things change, so I should be the one to, you know, step back.
Rachel Green: [interrupting] Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I mean it. There's plenty of people who only see their sisters at Thanksgiving, who only see their college roommates at reunions and who only see Joey at Burger King! So is that better?
Rachel Green: [long pause] No it's not better! I still don't get to see you!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, what would you do, Rach?
Rachel Green: Well, the start is I would have said the right name at my wedding!

Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Storming out!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, that's how mad I am!

"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)
[Ross' Halloween costume]
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
[Everyone glares at him like he's crazy]
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
[Joey enters]
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.

Monica Geller: Hey, Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Ross Geller: Oh, well, you remember the russian satellite Sputnik? Well I am a potato or a spud and here are my antena. so?
Monica Geller: So?
Ross Geller: I'm Spudnik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.

Ross Geller: Joey! You didn't wear a costume!
Joey: No, look!
[really boring clothes]
Joey: I'm Chandler!

"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song (#9.7)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: And that's what, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break.

Ross: [talking to Emma in her crib] ... And that's why no matter what Mommy says, we were on a break!

Dr. Ross Geller: I sang, or rapped, "Baby Got Back"?
Rachel Greene: You what? So you sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

"Friends: The One with All the Kissing (#5.2)" (1998)
Ross: It's 72 long stemmed roses, one for each day I've loved Emily, cut into mulch.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry.
Ross: That's okay. Monica is going to make potpourri!

Monica Geller: [calling from the hall] Rachel, open this door!
Ross: Is it locked?
Rachel Green: No. She's fine.

Rachel Green: I'm still in love with you, Ross.
Ross: [long pause] I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
[Rachel starts laughing]
Ross: Was that a joke? Because it's mean.
Rachel Green: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Then why are you laughing?
Rachel Green: Because...
[still laughing]
Rachel Green: ... because I just heard it. And it's ridiculous. I mean, you're married. You're married. And it's like I had this rage rising out of my body. And the the floating rage
[laughs more]
Rachel Green: it's like "You are such an idiot".
Ross: Well, I haven't seen or spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. That's not funny.

"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device (#3.8)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not judging.

Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey Tribbiani: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.

Dr. Ross Geller: [accepting some food from Gunther] Thanks, Gunther.
[he kisses Rachel hello]
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, can I get a napkin, too?
Gunther: [looking daggers - nay, MACHETES at Ross] Oh, like you don't already have everything.

"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)
Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom.
Ross: Uh... why do you think that?
Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case.
Ross: So?
Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee.
[Everyone stares... ]
Phoebe: Cats love fish!

Phoebe: Ross, how many parents have you lost?
Ross: None.
Phoebe: OK, so you don't what if feels like when one of them comes back.

Ross: I was just leaving.
Rachel Green: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep!
Ross: Why, did you write it?

"Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip (#3.17)" (1997)
Carol Willick: You slept with another woman?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, you're - you're one to talk!

Dr. Ross Geller: [after filling up the cab's gas tank] You're welcome.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?

Chandler: I was being Shelley Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
Dr. Ross Geller: I know.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt (#5.19)" (1999)
Dr. Ross Geller: Was I talking to her about... gas?
Chandler: More so than anything else.

Dr. Ross Geller: Actually, I like eight year old boys.
Caitlin: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: No! No no! Your hair. You said that it looks like an eight year old boy's and I'm just saying that I like it.
Caitlin: Okay. Thanks.
Dr. Ross Geller: You understand that I don't actually *like* eight year old boys?

Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross is trying to flirt with the pizza delivery girl] Hey, uh, you know that smell gas has? They put that in. The gas is odorless, but they add the smell so you know when there's a leak. A lot of other gas smells. Methane smells.

"Friends: The One with the Dirty Girl (#4.6)" (1997)
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah...
Ross: Well, like that, only that instead of a chair it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.

Ross: [to Chandler] How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend, Joey, gives her an orange?

Cheryl: Guess who?
Ross: Uh... Department of Sanitation?

"Friends: The One with the Videotape (#8.4)" (2001)
[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.

Ross: [Pleading] Please help me I have a date tonight, it has to go well I'm scared for my health.
Joey: [Thinking quickly] Okay, I got something, it's a story I came up with. It's very romantic. I swear any woman that hears it, they become "putty".
Ross: Really? Well, tell it to me.
Joey: [Genuinely warning him] Now you're going to want to have sex with me, but remember it's just "a story".
Ross: [Sarcastically] I'll try to control myself.
Joey: Okay, years ago when I was backpacking through Western Europe...
Ross: [Doubtfully] You were backpacking through Western Europe?
Joey: [Feeling belittled and gets up to leave] Have a nice six more months.

"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 1 (#5.23)" (1999)
[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.

[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!

Ross: [Voiceover] Oh my god, that's Rachel naked! I can't look at that, I am looking at this. Ok, vivid colors, expressive brushstrokes... unless she wants me to be looking at that. She knows I'm home, she knows I can see her; what kind of game is she playing? I think maybe someone's lonely tonight.
Ross: Doctor Geller, stop it, you're being silly. Or am I?

"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies (#2.20)" (1996)
Rachel Green: I do not think what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Ross looks at her...
Rachel Green: You know what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I mean you know, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily, and I thought, I thought it might be good.
Rachel Green: What was the book?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...The big book of children's name.

Dr. Ross Geller: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liqueur?
Carol Willick: Actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said Yeman.
Dr. Ross Geller: Ooh, I, I'm so sick of missing stuff. Ya know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like...
Carol Willick, Susan Bunch: Great. That would be fine.
Dr. Ross Geller: Really? I had a whole speech prepared.
Susan Bunch: [sarcastically] Oh, shoot, that would've been fun.

Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Whatcha guys doin'?
Dr. Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: What're you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end?
Phoebe Buffay: What when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel Green: That's not the end.
Phoebe Buffay: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica Geller: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe Buffay: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Dr. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe Buffay: What, what's about to happen?
[starts watching]
Phoebe Buffay: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no, no Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no he-he's your buddy. He's your Yeller! No, no, no! The end, THE END!
[hears the gunshot from the TV]
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?

"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies (#2.3)" (1995)
Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?
Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
[Knock at door]
Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

Ross: Okay, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? OPPOSABLE THUMBS. Without evolution, how do YOU explain opposable thumbs?
Phoebe: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Ross: Please tell me you're joking.
Phoebe: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something and I don't?
Ross: No, no, no Pheebs, we can't. Okay, because...
Phoebe: Why not? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? You know what? I think, I think maybe you put Ross "under the microscope".
Ross: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

Joey Tribbiani: I went out a couple of times with this girl - really hot, great kisser. But she had the biggest Adam's apple! It made me nuts.
Ross: Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
Joey Tribbiani: ...
Joey Tribbiani: You guys are messing with me, aren't you?
Everyone: [pause] Oh, yeah, yes...
Joey Tribbiani: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "Whoa."

"Friends: The One with the Free Porn (#4.17)" (1998)
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man.

Emily: There's someone else.
Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: [Long Pause] So you go to Tokyo!

"Friends: The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad (#6.21)" (2000)
Dr. Ross Geller: I just found out Elizabeth's dad wants to meet me.
Chandler Bing: Wait a minute. Hold the phone. You are not Elizabeth's dad?

Rachel Green: [to Paul during dinner] So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly offered to take me.
Elizabeth Stevens: What a nice story.
Paul Stevens: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel Green: I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Rachel] Yeah, you take your time.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Paul] just so you know, I was a freshman and she was a senior so it wasn't as bad as...
Paul Stevens: [to Ross] Look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's partly that I'm very protective of my daughter and partly because they keep coming to me! But I have to admit, after all the wonderful things Elizabeth has told me, and after the many, many, many things Rachel has told me... well, I guess you're not all bad.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Feeling satisfied] I'm not all bad.
Paul Stevens: I'm sorry I was so harsh before but you have to understand I still look at Elizabeth like she's a twelve year old girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what? I do that too.
Paul Stevens: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously] Oh no, I don't see her as a twelve year old girl. I have a son who's six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul Stevens: You have a son?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and, just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms, as I'm sure you are with your wife.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously, remembering Paul is a widower] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Paul Stevens: [as Rachel returns to the table] Don't worry about it, I didn't realize you were married.
Rachel Green: We were, but that was a big drunken mistake.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Sarcastically to Rachel ] Oh great, you're back?
Paul Stevens: [to Ross and Rachel] You two were married?
Rachel Green: [revealing Ross was married three times] Oh, whoops you were talking about Emily.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Shamefully slams his head on the table]

Paul Stevens: [Sternly] so, Ross what's your problem?
Dr. Ross Geller: Excuse me?
Paul Stevens: Why can't you get a girlfriend your own age?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously] I don't know
Paul Stevens: I don't like you going out with my daughter
Dr. Ross Geller: Ok I can see that but if you give me one chance I can change your mind.
Paul Stevens: [Reluctantly] ok
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Paul Stevens: I'll give you one chance to change my mind
Dr. Ross Geller: Really?
Paul Stevens: You have one minute
Elizabeth Stevens: [Pleading] daddy
Paul Stevens: Fine, two minutes... GO!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Stuttering nervously]
Paul Stevens: [Looks at his watch] a minute and fifty seconds
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously] Ok I've never done anything like this before, I mean I've been in relationships in general but I've never done it with a student, not "it", we haven't done "it", we've done "stuff", ok a joke to lighten the mood: two guys into a bar, one of them is Irish
Paul Stevens: I'm Irish
Dr. Ross Geller: [Thinking quickly] and the Irish guy wins the joke!

"Friends: The One with the Nap Partners (#7.6)" (2000)
[Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey]
Joey: OK, well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...

Joey: Boy I tell ya, that judging stuff took a lot out of me.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah! I was thinking about maybe going upstairs and taking a little nap on my couch.
[Joey raises his eyebrows, questioning Ross to see if he wants to join him]
Ross: Why-why would I care about that?
Joey: No reason, I'm just saying that uh... That's where I'll be.
[Joey gets up and heads for the door. After a pause Ross decides to join him]

Joey: We're gonna give you hypothetical maid of honor situations, and you'll be scored on the scale one to ten, one being the highest.
Ross: No, ten is the highest.
Joey: Why is ten the highest?
Ross: Because is the highest.

"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table (#6.11)" (2000)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Rachel tells him that Phoebe hates Pottery Barn] She hates Pottery Barn?

Phoebe Buffay: [Ross's apothecary table has just been revealed after Phoebe dragged the tablecloth off it with her feet] Ross, where'd you get this?
Dr. Ross Geller: [yelling] I got it at Pottery Barn, Okay?

Dr. Ross Geller: You know what I think?... She's weird. It's because she's a twin.
Rachel Green: Ross, she is not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!

"Friends: The One After Vegas (#6.1)" (1999)
Ross Geller: Aw, my little sister and my best friend... shackin' up.

Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.

Ross: Wanna hear something weird?
Phoebe: Always.

"Friends: The One with the Truth About London (#7.16)" (2001)
Dr. Ross Geller: You going to be OK?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I think so.
Dr. Ross Geller: I wasn't talking to you.

Dr. Ross Geller: Everything OK?
Ben Geller: [from the bathroom] Don't talk to me now.
Rachel Green: Aw. Just like his daddy.

"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)
Monica: Losers walk.
Dr. Ross Geller: losers talk.
Chandler: No, no actually, losers rhyme.

[during the game Rachel has a pretzal]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where did you get that?
Rachel Green: I went really long!

"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part Two (#4.24)" (1998)
Dr. Ross Geller: Take thee Rachel.

Dr. Ross Geller: This is our wedding day! From now on, everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word, no grandchildren!

"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy (#1.15)" (1995)
Joey: You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how you gonna talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you wanna caress my butt!

[Celia and Ross are cuddling on the couch]
Celia: Talk dirty...
Ross: Um... uh, OK, uh... er... vulva.

"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 1 (#9.23)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Reading his speech to Charlie] ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie Wheeler: [In astonishment] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
[opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel]
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: [Walks in in disappointment] Dammit!
Charlie Wheeler: [to Joey] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler Bing: [to Charlie] Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler Bing: What?
[Realizing Ross caught his bluff]
Chandler Bing: 'Kay.
[Friendlily pats Ross on his chest]

Dr. Ross Geller: [after they've successfully rewrote a lost speech] Hey um... what do you say we celebrate. Champaign?
Charlie Wheeler: Oh yea! Hey, save the cork, and that way we can fill the bottle up with water and put it back so they don't charge you.
Dr. Ross Geller: [In amazement] Oh my God, I love you.

"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos (#1.4)" (1994)
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.

Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that!

"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break (#3.15)" (1997)
Chandler Bing: I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
Ross Geller: Yeah, there's been a little change of plans. We're breaking up instead.

Ross Geller: [about calling Rachel] We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler Bing: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler Bing: [to Joey] You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler Bing: Why? What happened to him?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing He just *really* believes that.

"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing (#4.4)" (1997)
Ross: So why don't you quit?
Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria.
Ross: Who is Maria?
Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat.

Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs?
Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)
Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

Phoebe: Y'know, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe. I bet she's lookin' up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Looking *up*?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.
Monica: Well, I've tried everything. I give up. I guess I'm not gonna be the mom who makes the world's best chocolate cookies. I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe. Kids love that, right?
Ross: Aww, Pheeb, come on isn't there any relative that would have the recipe? What about, what about your sister?
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And that's not happening 'til October 15th, 2032.
Ross: That's the day you're gonna die? See - darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.
Phoebe: That's what *you* think.
Monica: Well, I mean what about friends of your grandmother's... wouldn't they have the recipe?
Phoebe: Well, y'know, I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nesele Toulouse.
Monica: What was her name?
Phoebe: Nesele Toulouse.
Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language!
Monica: [grabbing a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips] Phoebe, is *this* the recipe?
[tosses her the bag]
Phoebe: [reading the recipe on the back of the bag] Yes!
Phoebe: Ohhhh.
Monica: I cannot believe that I just spent the last two days trying to figure out the recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time!
Phoebe: I know! You see, it is stuff like this which is why
[looking down]
Phoebe: you're burning in hell!

"Friends: The One with Chandler's Work Laugh (#5.12)" (1999)
Dr. Ross Geller: Ok, look, I know what you guys are gonna say.
Phoebe Buffay: You two would have very hairy children.

Dr. Ross Geller: Janice and I have a lot in common, we-we've both been divorced, we both have kids.
Phoebe Buffay: So you actually gonna see her again?
Joey Tribbiani: Phoebe, don't put ideas in his head!
Dr. Ross Geller: I *am* gonna see her again.
Joey Tribbiani: Damn it, Phoebe!

"Friends: The One with Russ (#2.10)" (1996)
Ross: [about Rachel's date Russ] Plus, it takes the guy, what, I don't know, uh, like, a week, to get a sentence out?
Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, huh?

Russ: You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
Ross: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's your diploma.

"Friends: The One with Ross' Grant (#10.6)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Wally Cox! That's the voice of Underdog

Charlie Wheeler: Wait, are you talking about the Dewar grant?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, why?
Charlie Wheeler: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Your ex-boyfriend?
Charlie Wheeler: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: So your ex-boyfriend is going to determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed.

"Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day (#4.14)" (1998)
Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Ross: [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.

Ross: C'mon Chandler, take off your sweats, let's have some fun

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Quits (#3.10)" (1996)
[Ross is selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell?
Ross: 517.
Chandler: Wow.
Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

[Ross was selling girl scout cookies]
Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross.
Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes.

"Friends: The One with the Home Study (#10.7)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and, besides, Emma loves them. You know what? You should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel Green: Ross, those things go like forty miles an hour! There's a moment when you're at the top when you just don't know if you're gonna retun back to earth!
Dr. Ross Geller: Space *is* filled with orbiting children...

Mike Hannigan: I heard that weddings are a forty billion dollar a year industry.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah. And I'm responsible for just half of that.

"Friends: The One with the Sonogram at the End (#1.2)" (1994)
Ross: Hey, this people are pros, they know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done

Ross: [talking about the baby's surname] Wait a minute, why is she in the title?
Susan: Because it's my baby, too.
Ross: That's funny, I don't remember you making any sperm!

"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [about a book Rachel read] I don't know. It has trees and wind and some kind of sacred pool. I don't get it, but she's pretty upset by it.
Joey Tribbiani: This is why I don't date women who read.

Rachel Green: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Dr. Ross Geller: You - You know I don't ha - have a problem with that.

"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away (#1.9)" (1994)
Dr. Ross Geller: [inspecting the books at Susan and Carol's place] Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian.
Susan Bunch: Well, you know, you have to take a course... Otherwise they don't let you do it.

Chandler Bing: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here...
[while clinking his wine glass]
Chandler Bing: Ding ding.
[resumes his speech]
Chandler Bing: I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean,
[to Rachel]
Chandler Bing: if you'd gone to Vail,
[to Monica and Ross]
Chandler Bing: and if you guys'd been with your family,
[to Joey]
Chandler Bing: if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross Geller: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel Green: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler Bing: Here, here!

"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 2 (#6.16)" (2000)
[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: What are you, a detective?

Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.

"Friends: The One Where No One Proposes (#9.1)" (2002)
Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
[makes quotation marks with fingers]
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: [makes quotation marks with fingers] "Thanks"!

Ross: I didn't give her that ring!
Phoebe Buffay: You didn't?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: So whose ring is it?
Ross: It's mine!
Phoebe Buffay: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes.
Phoebe Buffay: But you didn't give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!
Phoebe Buffay: Huh! I might be losing interest in this.

"Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture (#7.5)" (2000)
Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable?
Ross: I think he can be.
Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night.
Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life!
Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997.
Ross: I knew you were going to throw that in my face! That was three years ago. She apologized and apologized. What more do you want?
Phoebe: We want the last six years back!
Ross: So do we! So do we!
Coffee people: [looking at Ross]
Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.

Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!"
Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape (#3.18)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: It's not that I'm judgmental, but the whole thing is wrong, it's sick and wrong.
Ross Geller: Is it the age thing?
Phoebe Buffay: I'm okay with the age thing, until it starts to put its tongue down my brother's throat.

Ross Geller: Exactly. It'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey: Yeah, or to get a hooker.
Chandler Bing: Always illegal, Joe.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (#9.5)" (2002)
[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Judy Geller: [Telling Rachel the "Willy" story with Ross present] I understand separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so upset he took off his clothes tucked his "willy" in between his legs and cried out "mommy I'm a girl take me with you"
Ross: [Feeling embarrassed to Rachel and sarcastically to Judy] somehow it became easily to be apart from you

"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know (#2.15)" (1996)
Ross: [on the phone] Whoa, whoa whoa! Australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display. No! No! No! Homo habilis was erect, Australopithecus was never fully erect!
Chandler: Well, maybe he was nervous.

Rachel Green: [Rachel & Ross are making out, & Rachel feels a wet spot] Oh! Oh, honey, that's OK!
Ross: Oh... you just rolled over the juice box!
Rachel Green: Oh, thank God!
[kisses him again]

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry (#6.14)" (2000)
Ross Geller: Rachel said you're just using me to get back at her...
Jill Green: So?
[starts making out with him]

Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
[goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up from the table] Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi everybody, what are you ...
[screams and points at the TV]
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?

"Friends: The One with the Cop (#5.16)" (1999)
Ross: [while moving a sofa with Rachel and Chandler] Pivot. Pi-vot. PI-VOT.

[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

"Friends: The One with All the Candy (#7.9)" (2000)
Monica Geller: Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy!
Dr. Ross Geller: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!

Chandler: [Ben's about to ride his first big boy bike] Here Ben Let Me Help You With That
Ben Geller: Thank you Daddy!
Dr. Ross Geller: No, No No one daddy... Two mommies.

"Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies (#10.15)" (2004)
Ross: [talking to Rachel's old boss] If you rehire Rachel, I will give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg, replica.

Ross: [to Rachel] So, if you take this job you'll be moving to Paris?
Chandler Bing: Or facing a bitch of a commute.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus (#4.11)" (1998)
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
Ross: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.

"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends (#3.13)" (1997)
Chandler Bing: [a bit stunned by what he just saw] Robert's coming out.
Dr. Ross Geller: What? You mean he's gay?
Chandler Bing: He's coming out of his shorts.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh?
Chandler Bing: The man is showing brain.

Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey Tribbiani: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey Tribbiani: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

"Friends: The One with the Worst Best Man Ever (#4.22)" (1998)
Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!

Ross: Everything so far sounds great, Joey. Just remember, keep it on the mellow side, okay? Just a couple of guys hanging out, playing poker. No strippers or anything, okay?
Joey: You got it!
Ross: OK, see you later.
Chandler: Have fun planning your "mellow" bachelor party!
Joey: Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.
Chandler: He just said, "No strippers."
Joey: Oh. I chose not to hear that.

"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2 (#9.24)" (2003)
Charlie Wheeler: I broke up with Joey. I mean he was fun, but every time I was with him, I found myself thinking about you. Oh, my God, it's like I'm your groupie!
Ross: [chuckling nervously] Wow, my own groupie. I just better not catch you naked in my hotel room. Oops, I just took it too far, didn't I?

Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing ] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing ] Erectus.

"Friends: The One Where Joey Tells Rachel (#8.16)" (2002)
[In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel]
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
[Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him]
Gunther: RACHEL?

Monica: Joey isn't even thinking Bout going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about loving yo Vermont.
Ross: Why?
Monica: He says he wants to leave the country.

"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions (#5.11)" (1999)
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?

Ross: Hey! What are you doing?
Monica Geller: This is my new year's resolution!
Ross: To blind my child?

"Friends: The One with the Dollhouse (#3.20)" (1997)
Ross Geller: Wait a minute. The house is built on radioactive waste and an ancient Indian burial ground? That-that would never happen.
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you obviously don't know anything about the U.S. government.

Ross: No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there.
Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Rats (#9.12)" (2003)
Monica Geller-Bing: [about Emma's new nanny, Molly] What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.

Dr. Ross Geller: Wassup!
Chandler Bing: Seriously, dude. Three years ago.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Sister (#6.13)" (2000)
Jill Green: I was so upset when Daddy told me I had to get a job that I went shopping to calm down.
Ross: Uh, Jill; I thought your father took all of his credit cards from you.
Jill Green: Please; I've had those numbers memorized since I was fifteen.

Ross: Oh, yes, good cryers the Green girls. I mean-I mean the Green sisters. Man, no matter how you say it, it still sounds like you're talking about green people.

"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Dr. Ross Geller: I figured after work I go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and try to woo her.
Chandler Bing: Hey, you know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's when that phrase was last used.

Dr. Ross Geller: It will be finally good to get this off you
Marcel the Monkey: Makes squeaking noise
Dr. Ross Geller: Or we can we can leave it on
Rachel: You know with the right pair of pumps that would make a cute little outfit

"Friends: The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin (#7.19)" (2001)
[Ross's cousin is very attractive]
Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that?
Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that.
Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles.
[reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap]
Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related.
Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out?
Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow.
Ross: Just like our children would be...

Cassie: Wow. You do a great Chandler.
Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions.
[laughs nervously]
Ross: It's, uh, a hobby.
Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me.
Ross: Ye- No.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Date (#8.5)" (2001)
Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing.

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

"Friends: The One with Frank Jr. (#3.5)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley
Chandler Bing: Very attractive, forgiving
Dr. Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon
Chandler Bing: She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first
Dr. Ross Geller: Isabella Rosellini
Chandler Bing: She's too international
Rachel Green: So?
Chandler Bing: So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time
Rachel Green: Yeah because that's why you weren't get Isabella Rosellini, geography

Rachel Green: [Talking about the list of celebrities] Well, I don't know, I guess Chris O'Donell, John F. Kennedy Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Dr. Ross Geller: Spider Man?
Rachel Green: Hardy Boy.
Chandler Bing: Peter Parker.
Dr. Ross Geller: Thank you!

"Friends: The One with Monica's Boots (#8.10)" (2001)
Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly?
Ross: Middle balcony.
Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family?
Ross: Yeah.
Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Dream (#9.19)" (2003)
[Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room]
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: [reading the hotel brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*?

"Friends: The One with the Chick and the Duck (#3.21)" (1997)
Dr. Ross Geller: That's a duck.
Chandler Bing: That's a bad duck!

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)
Phoebe: [Ross enters room carrying luggage] How long did you think this barbecue was going to last ?
Ross: I'm going to China.
Phoebe: Geez, you say one thing, and uh...
Monica: You're going to China ?
Ross: Yeh, uh, for the museum. Someone found a bone. We want the bone, but they don't want to let us have the bone, so I'm going over there to try and persuade them, to give us the... it's a whole big bone thing.

"Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French (#10.13)" (2004)
Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you, Geller? Knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously] Nope the just one.

"Friends: The One with the Birth (#1.23)" (1995)
Susan: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover Day.
Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits (#10.5)" (2003)
Phoebe: Ugh. I just had the worst anniversary dinner ever!
Chandler: Really? Tell her about us, last year.
Monica: I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a Rap song.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Word.

"Friends: The One at the Beach (#3.25)" (1997)
Dr. Ross Geller: You balded my girlfriend!

"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding (#2.24)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler Bing: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice Litman: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!

"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche (#6.5)" (1999)
Rachel Green: [to the judge] Do you see? Do you see what you're keeping me married to?
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel Green: All right, look lady, here is the deal: I came here for an annulment, and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel Green: Thank you for your time.
[Rachel and Ross leave hurriedly]

"Friends: The One with the Memorial Service (#9.17)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: I'm dead an no one cares.
Monica Geller-Bing: I look like a man!
Chandler Bing: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In (#5.7)" (1998)
Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad.
[Joey giggles]
Ross: What's so funny?
Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".

"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika Ford: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]

"Friends: The One with All the Haste (#4.19)" (1998)
Dr. Ross Geller: [about Emily] She lives there. I live here. I mean, she'd have to move here.
Dr. Ross Geller: She should move here!
Joey: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I can ask her to live with me.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why not? I mean, why not?
Chandler: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Ok? I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with.

"Friends: The One Where Paul's the Man (#6.22)" (2000)
Elizabeth Stevens: [while making out at Paul's cabin] Hey umm, you brought protection right?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why? Are there like bears or something?
[He looks around nervously and then sees that Elizabeth is shaking her head no]
Dr. Ross Geller: Ohh. Oh, protection. Yeah-no, yeah-no, that-that-that I forgot.

"Friends: The One with All the Thanksgivings (#5.8)" (1998)
Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot. I came up with that.
Ross: [pause]
Joey: You're a dork.

"Friends: The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion (#3.24)" (1997)
[after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt]
Ross: Dude, what are you doing?

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding (#10.12)" (2004)
Chandler Bing: [about not being part of Phoebe and Mike's wedding] This is like figure skating all over again... I mean synchronized swimming... I mean the balance beam...
[to Ross]
Chandler Bing: Help me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Football!

"Friends: The One with the Bullies (#2.21)" (1996)
Chandler Bing, Dr. Ross Geller: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel Green: What's the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel Green: No?
Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler Bing: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler Bing: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)
Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.

"Friends: The One with Joey's Interview (#8.19)" (2002)
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

"Friends: The One Where Joey Moves Out (#2.16)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: Mon... Mon You Ok?
Monica Geller: Yeah...
Dr. Ross Geller: You ok?
Monica Geller: Uh... you remember that video that i found of mom & dad that one time?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah?...
Monica Geller: Well I just saw the live version of it...
Dr. Ross Geller: EW!

"Friends: The One with the Ball (#5.21)" (1999)
Rachel Green: I just bought something. I'm not sure she
[meaning Monica]
Rachel Green: is gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You bought Shaun Cassidy!
Rachel Green: No, I wish!

"Friends: The One with the Stripper (#8.8)" (2001)
Ross: [Ross and Mona's intimate moment is interrupted by Rachel's father] Dr. Green?
Dr. Leonard Green: All right, Geller; what do you mean getting my Rachel pregnant and then refusing to marry her?
Ross: [looks at Mona and then back at Dr. Green] You know, this really isn't a good time.

"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa (#9.10)" (2002)
Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
[hands out envelopes to everyone]
Ross: [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
[everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler]
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.

"Friends: The One with the Secret Closet (#8.14)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel Green: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

"Friends: The One with the Two Parties (#2.22)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: How was your sister's graduation?
Rachel Green: It was the graduation ceremony from Hell.
Chandler Bing: You know, my cousin attended Hell on a football scholarship.

"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed (#3.7)" (1996)
Dr. Leonard Green: Do you know what rust does to a boat?
Ross Geller: Give it that nice, antique-y look?
Dr. Leonard Green: Rust is boat cancer.
Ross Geller: I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.

"Friends: The One with the Inappropriate Sister (#5.10)" (1998)
Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!

"Friends: The One with All the Wedding Dresses (#4.20)" (1998)
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!

"Friends: The One with the Birthing Video (#8.15)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: What do you got behind your back?
Monica Geller-Bing: Nothing. Just something I wanna get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
Dr. Ross Geller: You don't want my opinion?
Monica Geller-Bing: Not really.
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Monica Geller-Bing: [showing him two lingerie dresses] Oh, okay, big brother, um... Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your would wanna do her?
Dr. Ross Geller: [turns away, then says quietly without looking at her] The red one...

"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games.
Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room?
Chandler: No.
Ross: Then you are neither of your parents.

"Friends: The One in Massapequa (#8.18)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Rachel exaggerates their fake wedding] What are you doing?
Rachel Green: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have!

"Friends: The One Hundredth (#5.3)" (1998)
Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, Pheebs, Pheebs, its going to be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say. I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina.

"Friends: The One with the Boobies (#1.13)" (1995)
Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (#1.5)" (1994)
[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent]
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner (#3.14)" (1997)
Dr. Ross Geller: So I nodded of a little...
Rachel Green: Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring! My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Rachel Green: Okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and his 'hey, everybody, remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!

"Friends: The One with Ross's Library Book (#7.7)" (2000)
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi, I was wondering, is it possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? I wrote a book that's up there and instead of reading it people are... well, they're rolling around in front of it.

"Friends: The One with Mrs. Bing (#1.11)" (1995)
Chandler Bing: What the hell was that?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, Phoebe just started her...
Chandler Bing: I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, mother-kisser?

"Friends: The One Where They're Up All Night (#7.12)" (2001)
Dr. Ross Geller: Ow! My ankle! I really hurt my ankle, I think I twisted it wh-- oooohhh, a Quarter!

"Friends: The One with the Cooking Class (#8.21)" (2002)
Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones."
Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones."

"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1995)
Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.

"Friends: The One with Ross's Thing (#3.23)" (1997)
Dr. Rhodes: [Ross has something on his body he can't identify, and is trying to pass it off as a Chandleresque "third nipple"] Take your shirt off and let's see what we're dealing with here.
[Ross begins to take off his pants]
Dr. Rhodes: What are you doing?
Dr. Ross Geller: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill, slice-it-right-off third nipple...
Dr. Rhodes: Well, that's not a third nipple.
Dr. Ross Geller: No?
Dr. Rhodes: First of all, it's on your ass.

"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater (#8.2)" (2001)
Dr. Ross Geller: Do you really want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler Bing: Marriage advice? Really?

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush (#4.13)" (1998)
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.

"Friends: The One with the Lottery (#9.18)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe Buffay: [sexy tone] Oooh, I like that, "Daddy".
Dr. Ross Geller: I... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe Buffay: Oooh, is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me?
Dr. Ross Geller: [trying to be sexy] Well that depends, have you been a baaad gi...
Dr. Ross Geller: no I can't.

"Friends: The One with the Blackout (#1.7)" (1994)
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!

"Friends: The One with All the Rugby (#4.15)" (1998)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Watching Rugby on TV] I don't know what the big deal is? I'm man enough to play this sport.
Joey Tribbiani: Dude, you're not even man enough to order the channel that carries the sport.

"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1999)
[after coming out of a Las Vegas chapel married and drunk]
Ross: Well *hello* Mrs. Ross
[throws confetti]
Rachel: Well *hello* Mr. Rachel
[throws confetti]

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath (#8.13)" (2002)
Rachel Green: [discussing names for the baby] I was thinking, if it's girl: Sandrine. It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name, for an industrial solvent.

"Friends: The One with the Butt (#1.6)" (1994)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica Geller: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica Geller: No problem!
Rachel Green: I'm not done yet.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
[she catches herself]
Monica Geller: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler Bing: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler Bing: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica Geller: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe Buffay: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]

"Friends: The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey (#5.15)" (1999)
Chandler: I was really confused and I talked to these guys
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: She's right you know
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but still cheap shot!

"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break (#5.22)" (1999)
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you questions and you've gotta answer real fast, OK? What do you like better, action or comedy?
Dr. Ross Geller: Action.
Joey Tribbiani: Who would you rather sleep with, Monica or Rachel?
Dr. Ross Geller: Dude, you are sick!
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, right, I forgot you had that whole Rachel thing!

"Friends: The One with the Fake Party (#4.16)" (1998)
Emily Geller: Ross, I'm having a great time. Your sister was just telling me that you used to dress up like little old ladies and host make-believe tea parties!
Ross: Did she tell you how she was partially responsible for legislation regulating the strength of swing sets?

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Has a Baby: Part 1 (#8.23)" (2002)
Judy Geller: [Judy is pressuring Ross to marry Rachel] This isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and... humped. A child should have a family.
Dr. Ross Geller: Mom, you know what? I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...
Judy Geller: Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.

"Friends: The One with Ross' Teeth (#6.8)" (1999)
[Ross has just gotten his teeth whitened]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel, did you notice...
Rachel Green: Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.

"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part One (#4.23)" (1998)
Emily Waltham: And that was all before ten o'clock! The caterer rang to say it's going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon! And then the florist phoned to say there aren't any tulips! Oh, and then the cellist has Carpal Tunnel Syndrome! We're not going to...
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Emily, honey...
[he makes a "time out" hand sign]
Ross: Okay?
Emily Waltham: Well, up yours, too!
Ross: What?
Emily Waltham: Oh. That's not what it means?

"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2 (#2.13)" (1996)
Ross: [after seeing Joey looking over the wall into another bathroom stall] Uh, Joey, some people don't like that.

"Friends: The One with the Routine (#6.10)" (1999)
[At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"]
Stage Manager: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
[Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica]
Stage Manager: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies (#7.13)" (2001)
Jack Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica Geller: I used to love to play restaurant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play "un-cooked batter eater."
Monica Geller: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a lightbulb to cook brownies!

"Friends: The One with Rachel's New Dress (#4.18)" (1998)
Chandler: [Ross is worried that Emily is gay because she and Susan are having so much fun together in London] Hi. Hi. You're crazy. Ok, this is Emily, Emily is straight.
Ross: How do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her.
Phoebe: [Phoebe is trying to decide on a name for one of the triplets]
[Shaking her head]
Phoebe: Yeah, I'm definitely, I don't like the name 'Ross'.
Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down.
Phoebe: No, no, I just, I meant for the baby.
Ross: What's wrong with 'Ross'?
Phoebe: Well it just, you know, something like this would never happen to like 'The Hulk', you know.

"Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (#3.4)" (1996)
Monica Geller: Why are you being such a weenie? So he plays with a doll. You used to dress up like a woman.
Dr. Ross Geller: What?
Monica Geller: You used to dress up in Mom's clothes. You had the pink hat and the little pink bag.
Dr. Ross Geller: You're making this up!
Monica Geller: How can you not remember? You made us call you "B".
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh God!
Susan Bunch: I've literally never been so happy.
Monica Geller: Wasn't there a song?
Carol Willick: Please let there be a song.
Monica Geller: [sings] "My name's B, I drink tea..."
[She follows Ross who locks himself in the bathroom]
Monica Geller: "Won't you, won't you, won't you..."
[opens the door]
Monica Geller: "... Won't you dance around with me?"

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Smokes (#5.18)" (1999)
[Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben]
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door?
[Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there]
Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one!
[Chandler steps out]

"Friends: The One Where Ross Dates a Student (#6.18)" (2000)
[One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class]
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.

"Friends: The One with the Chicken Pox (#2.23)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Ross barges in on Ryan and Phoebe desperately scratching each other] Now I would have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan you're a Military Man!

"Friends: The One with the Joke (#6.12)" (2000)
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?

"Friends: The One After I Do (#8.1)" (2001)
[last lines]
Mona: It's Joey, right?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: Wait a minute! No! I'm the nice one! I'm the one who danced with the kids all night! I...
[looks down]
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] How small are your feet!