Rachel Green
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Quotes for
Rachel Green (Character)
from "Friends" (1994)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate (#1.1)" (1994)
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?

Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.

Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at in 12 interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you got new boots with 50% off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.

Rachel: It's like all my life everybody keeps telling that I'm a shoe. You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe! But what if I don't want to be a shoe anymore? Maybe I'm a purse, or a hat... I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a hat! It's a metaphore, daddy!

Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.

Monica: [wide grin on her face] Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head!

Rachel: So, like you guys all have jobs?
Monica: Yeah we all have jobs, that's how we buy stuff.

"Friends: The One with All the Poker (#1.18)" (1995)
[Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel]
Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.

Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know he can get really competitive.
Phoebe: [laughs]
Monica: What?
Phoebe: [pretends to pick up a phone] Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!

Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in.
Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle.
Rachel: Settle what?
Chandler: The Jamestown colony of Virginia. You see King George is giving us the land.

Rachel: So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends.
Chandler: Yeah, and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Rachel: Guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler: Um, ok. The fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

Rachel: Guess what, guess what?
Chandler: Let's see, the fifth dentist caved, now they all recommend trident?

Rachel: I got an interview!
Monica: Where?
Rachel: Saks Fifth Avenue!
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel! It's like the mother ship is calling you home!

Chandler: There just don't happen to be any women in our game.
Joey: Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.
Monica: Oh, please, that is such a lame excuse! That's a typical guy response.
Ross: Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?
Monica, Rachel, Phoebe: No...
Rachel: But you could teach us!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: No...

Ross: Your money's mine, Green.
Rachel: Your fly's open, Geller.

Ross: [looking at Rachel's resume] Rach, did you proof read these?
Rachel: Uh, yeah. Why?
Ross: Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper skills".
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh, do you think it's on all of them?
Joey: Ah, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

"Friends: The One with the Rumor (#8.9)" (2001)
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: [to Monica] Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: [ashamed] Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.

Monica: [about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school] Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me!
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Chandler: Wait a minute, we heard that rumor in my high school! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: [to Monica] No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!

Will: [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club.
Rachel: You had a club?
Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross.
[points to Ross]
Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.

Rachel: Do you have a problem with me?
Will: I dunno... do I, do I?
Phoebe: I think you do!

Ross: It was no big deal. We... we said that... the rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided that Rachel was a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?

Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock.
[to Rachel]
Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't thought about him in a long time.

Ross: I'm back in the club!
Will: Yeah. Shall I call a meeting to order?
Ross: Is everybody present?
Will: With the exception if Tiktaka.
Phoebe: I want to join!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, but I never got to be in a club. I didn't go to high school. But three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.

Rachel: OK, listen to what Sean McMann said in my yearbook. "Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person.". Not girl; person.
Ross: Rachel, I think you're reading too much into it.
Rachel: "Dear Rachel, you are a very nice person. Sorry about your teeny weeny.".
[Will is laughing at Rachel]

Rachel: [referring to Mrs. Altman, the fifty year old librarian Ross made out with in high school] There's a picture of her in the yearbook.
Phoebe: [everyone looks] Wow.
Ross: Hey, she didn't photograph well!
Chandler: Yeah, well, she was probably unfamiliar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.

"Friends: The One with the Truth About London (#7.16)" (2001)
Rachel Green: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Ben Geller: Remember all that stuff I taught you yesterday?
Rachel Green: Don't do that.
Ben Geller: Don't do that.
Rachel Green: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Ben Geller: Seriously. Your dad doesn't like pranks.
Rachel Green: Oh. Damnit!
Ben Geller: Oh. Damnit!
Rachel Green: No, don't say that.
Ben Geller: Damnit!
Rachel Green: Don't go back to repeating it.
Ben Geller: Damnit.
Rachel Green: Aw crap
Ben Geller: Aw crap
Rachel Green: No. Don't.
Ben Geller: Damnit!

Carol Willick-Bunch: [calling from the kitchen] Rach, would you like some sugar in your coffee?
Rachel Green: Yes, I...
[to Ben]
Rachel Green: Do I want sugar in my coffee?
[Ben shakes his head]
Rachel Green: No. Just some milk would be good, Carol. Thanks.

Rachel Green: OK, take a quarter, blacken the edge, and then say to someone, "I bet you can't roll this quarter without it leaving your face" and when they're done, they have a big pencil line right down the center of their face.
Ben Geller: Can I do it to you?
Rachel Green: I'm funny, Ben. But I'm not stupid.

Rachel Green: OK, I know they may not funny to you...
Carol Willick-Bunch: [from the other room] OH, MY GOD!
Rachel Green: ...Or Carol.

Dr. Ross Geller: You going to be OK?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I think so.
Dr. Ross Geller: I wasn't talking to you.

Dr. Ross Geller: Everything OK?
Ben Geller: [from the bathroom] Don't talk to me now.
Rachel Green: Aw. Just like his daddy.

Rachel Green: You know, Ben, when you were younger, you and I used to hang out all the time. I was your daddy's girlfriend.
Ben Geller: But you're not anymore.
Rachel Green: Well, that's true.
Ben Geller: Because you guys were on a break.
Rachel Green: Hey, we were not on a br... OK. OK. You know, Ben, someday when you're a lot older, I'm going to tell you that entire story over a pitcher of real margaritas.

"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish (#4.1)" (1997)
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: [moan] Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.

Rachel: [Ross walks out of Monica's apartment having just argued with Rachel] And just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guys and it IS a big deal!

Rachel: I mean, the way you owned up to everything it just... proved how much you had grown, you know? I mean my mom never thought this would work out. She was like: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Ross: [getting angrier and angrier] Mm hm.
Rachel: Oh. I just wish we hadn't lost these last four months.
Rachel: [taps Ross's face] But if time was what was needed to gain a little perspective.
Ross: [unable to restrain himself any longer, he screams] WE. WERE. ON. A. BREEEAAAK!

Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!
Rachel: Yeah! You, and that girl from the copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!
Ross: I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay? I didn't finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?
Ross: It was five thirty in the morning. And you had rambled on for eighteen pages. FRONT AND BACK!

Rachel: You fell asleep?

Rachel: And hey, just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!

Rachel: You know, I can't believe I even thought about getting back together with you! We are sooo over!
Ross: [fakes sobbing] Fine by me!
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you're at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Sorry.
[to Ross]
Rachel: I just feel bad about all that sleep you're gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Ross: Oh, no-no-no, don't you worry about me falling asleep.
Ross: I still have your letter!

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister (#9.8)" (2002)
[In Ross's apartment]
Amy: Could I take this call upstairs?
Ross: Sure... but we don't live there.
Amy: [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor.
Rachel: He has a Phd.
Amy: Ewww...

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Rachel: I had a baby.
Amy: I decorated dad's office.
Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Amy: [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way.
Rachel: Really?
Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds.
Rachel: Hips and thighs?
Amy: Ass and face.
Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins.
Amy: She was. Carbs found her.

Rachel Green: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?

Amy: [fighting with Rachel while an uncomfortable Ross looks on] You know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren - and I still have to pay *retail*?
Rachel: [laughing] It's 45!
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect, with your new baby and your small apartment.
[Ross slams a towel on the kitchen table]
Amy: Well, let me tell you something: your baby isn't even that cute!
Ross: Too far, Amy. Too far.

"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out (#5.14)" (1999)
Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
[seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window]
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
[rushes over there]
Ross: Stop what you are doing, I saw you through the window!
Chandler: Well, we had a good run. Five, six months, that is more some have in a lifetime. Bye.
Monica: Wait, I can handle Ross.
[opens door with her shirt buttoned wrong]
Monica: What's up, bro?
Ross: You!
[chases Chandler around the table]
Ross: You are my best friend. This is my sister.
[Rachel and Joey come in]
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: I think, just think, Ross just found out about me and Monica.
Joey: Dude, he is standing right there.

[Peering out the window]
Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving.
Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes."
Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.

Rachel: So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them?
Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate.
Rachel: Okay.
Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.

Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.

Joey: C'mon. I got your secrets, I got their secrets; I got secrets of my own, you know.
Rachel: [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets.
Joey: Oh, yeah? Well, you don't know about Huggsy, my bedtime penguin pal.
Joey: [blushes, embarrassed]

Rachel: Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna go use Ugly Naked Guy's bathroom.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies (#7.3)" (2000)
Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.

Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.

Rachel: Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.

Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.

Rachel: Look Joey, I'm sorry if-if you thought that was mean, but I gotta tell ya something. That was not mean. Okay, my father is mean. He used to yell at me all the time on the boat, I mean it was horrible. I was just being a good teacher.
Joey: Does a good teacher say, "Put down the beer pinhead?"
Rachel: Well, does a good student drink seven beers during his first lesson?
Joey: Six and a half! You knocked that last one out of my hand! Remember?
Rachel: Yeah, I didn't want you to get hit by the boom!
Joey: Well it hit me anyway! And it would've hurt a lot less if I had finished that last beer.
Rachel: All right, y'know what? I-I'm sorry. I will try to tone it down and uh stop yelling.
Joey: You won't boss me around anymore?
Rachel: I won't boss you around.
Joey: And you'll be nice?
Rachel: And, I'll be nice.
Joey: And you'll be topless?
Rachel: And I'll-Joey!
Joey: Do you want me to learn?

Rachel: Okay Joey, we're luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham?
Joey: Uh, wow, you just said a bunch of stuff I didn't know there.
Rachel: Joey, come on! We just went over this!
Joey: Oh, y'know, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: [furious] No! All right? I did *not* see the bird! I did *not* see the fish! I did *not* see the piece of Styrofoam that was shaped like Mike Tyson! I did *not*, because I was trying to teach you *how* to sail a boat! Which obviously is an impossible thing to do!
Joey: All right that's it! You're yelling and I don't see you taking your top off! I quit!
Rachel: What do you mean you quit? You can't quit!
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because you're not finished yet and I won't have it! Greens do not quit!
Joey: Greens? I'm a Tribbiani! And Tribbianis quit!

"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go (#2.19)" (1996)
Monica Geller: [to Phoebe] What about the puppet guy?
Rachel Green: Yeah! You like totally let him wash his feet in the Pool of Your Inner Power!
Monica Geller: And his puppet, too!

Phoebe Buffay: You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel Green: Pool drainer!
Monica Geller: Twig snapper!
Rachel Green: Monkey butt!
Monica Geller: That's not in the book!
Rachel Green: No, but that's what you are!

Rachel Green: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
Dr. Ross Geller: You - You know I don't ha - have a problem with that.

Rachel Green: [taking a "Goddess Quiz"] "Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightening bearer?"... I would have to say "no."
Monica Geller: And I would have to say "P-ha!"

Rachel Green: [after Monica and Phoebe tell her about "Be Your Own Wind Keeper"] Oh, so it's a little like "The Hobbit."
Monica Geller: It is nothing like "The Hobbit!"

Rachel Green: This book could have been called "Be Your Own Windkeeper, Rachel"!
Phoebe Buffay: I don't think it would have sold 13 million copies then, but it would have made a nice gift for you.

"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party (#8.6)" (2001)
Monica: What are you?
Rachel Green: I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress because pretty soon, she won't be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh. I'm Catwoman. Who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.

Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel Green: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel Green: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel Green: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel Green: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel Green: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel Green: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel Green: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel Green: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]

Kids in the hall: Trick or Treat.
Rachel Green: Oooh, can I be with the kids right now. Ever since I got pregnant I had the strongest maternal instincts.
Kids in the hall: Trick or treat.
Rachel Green: JUST A MINUTE!

Rachel Green: You are so in style right now. You know, I work at Ralph Lauren and this season we have this whole equestrian thing going on. I don't suppose you've seen the cover of British Vogue, have you?
Trick or Treat Kid: Can I just have the candy?

Rachel Green: [writing a check instead of giving out Halloween candy] Okay, and what's your name?
Lelani Mayolanofavich: Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Rachel Green: [pause] I'm just gonna make it out to cash.

Rachel Green: Monica, we need more Candy.
Monica Geller: But there's only been like four kids!
Rachel Green: Yeah, but one of them told me she loved me so I gave her everything.
Phoebe: No wonder you're pregnant!

"Friends: The One with the Embryos (#4.12)" (1998)
Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.

Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts?
Rachel: 14.
Ross: No, 19.
Chandler: Thanks, man.

Rachel: [being waken up by the chick at 6 am] What the hell is that?
Rachel: [Monica comes out of her room] What the hell is that? Was it you?
Monica: [they hear the chick again. Rachael growls and heads toward the door to go to Chandler and Joey's room] You're really not a morning person, are you?
Rachel: Back off!

Rachel: [Monica and Chandler are raising the stakes in the boys vs girls bet, and Chandler has just set the stakes at $200] Monica, I don't want to lose two hundred dollars!
Monica: We won't!
[to Chandler]
Rachel: MONICA!
Monica: I'm just trying to spice it up!
Rachel: OK, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!

Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

Rachel: This is a girls' apartment! That is a boy's apartment! It's dirty and it smells!

"Friends: The One with All the Kissing (#5.2)" (1998)
Ross: It's 72 long stemmed roses, one for each day I've loved Emily, cut into mulch.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry.
Ross: That's okay. Monica is going to make potpourri!

Monica Geller: [calling from the hall] Rachel, open this door!
Ross: Is it locked?
Rachel Green: No. She's fine.

Rachel Green: I'm still in love with you, Ross.
Ross: [long pause] I'm not sure what to do with that right now.
[Rachel starts laughing]
Ross: Was that a joke? Because it's mean.
Rachel Green: I'm so dead serious. I'm totally serious.
Ross: Then why are you laughing?
Rachel Green: Because...
[still laughing]
Rachel Green: ... because I just heard it. And it's ridiculous. I mean, you're married. You're married. And it's like I had this rage rising out of my body. And the the floating rage
[laughs more]
Rachel Green: it's like "You are such an idiot".
Ross: Well, I haven't seen or spoken to my wife since the wedding.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. That's not funny.

Rachel: Whoa, hold on there, Mr Kissy.

Joey Tribbiani: [Right after Chandler kiss Monica, Rachel and Phoebe] What the hell was that?
Monica Geller: Probably some, you know, European goodbye thing he picked up in London, I don't know.
Rachel: What? That's not European.
Phoebe Buffay: Well, it felt French.

Rachel Green: I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole little new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I just, you know, just stop it!
Chandler Bing: Well, I'm just trying to bring a little culture to the group.
Phoebe Buffay: That's fine, just don't bring it in my mouth.
Monica Geller: Makes me wanna puke!

"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High (#6.9)" (1999)
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put beef in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.

Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!

Phoebe: So, Rachel, this is a traditional English trifle?
Rachel: Yes it is.
Phoebe: So did you make it with beef or eggplant?
Rachel: Beef.
Phoebe: I can't have any. You know I don't eat meat. Awe.
[Phoebe gets up and walks away smirking]

Rachel: Monica said I could make dessert this year.
Joey: Uh, you're gonna cook something?
Rachel: Huh, yeah, I cook.
Chandler: Offering people gum is not cooking.

Rachel: You guys, it was bananas, cream and beef. I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldn't feel bad.
Monica: Actually, I didn't eat mine. It's still in the bathroom.
Joey: No it isn't, I ate that.
Judy Geller: Oh, we left ours in Monica's bedroom.
Joey: No
Joey: , got it, and I ate yours too.

"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend (#2.1)" (1995)
Phoebe: [Julie has asked Phoebe to cut her hair] Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie McDowell is the actress in "Four Weddings and a Funeral", right?
Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowell. Andie McDowell is the actor in "Planet of the Apes'.

Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig?
Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic.

[after Monica gets a disastrous haircut]
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.

Ross: [Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend] Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China.
[notices Rachel has brought flowers]
Ross: What are those?
Rachel: Oh, these?
[begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie]
Rachel: These are for you; welcome to our country.
Julie: [slowly and distinctly] Thank you; I'm from New York.

Rachel: [sticking her head out of her bedroom] Uh... morning! Hey, you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
Joey: Oh, no no no no no! I'm not falling for that again!
Phoebe: What's going on?
Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night...
Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?
Paolo: [coming out of Rachel's bedroom] Buon giorno, tutti!

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband (#2.4)" (1995)
Chandler: [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie] What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: [the porn video takes place in an office] *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.

Rachel Green: Maybe you should put it off.
Ross Geller: No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.
Rachel Green: I know, yeah, sorry.
Ross Geller: What, it's not your fault.
Rachel Green: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Ross Geller: Really?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.
Ross Geller: [being drawn in by her talk] Uh-huh.
Rachel Green: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Ross Geller: Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.
[goes back in apartment]
Rachel Green: Ohh, God.

Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
[Everyone gasps]
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
[Everyone runs to the window to look]
Monica: Who told you that?
[Looks at Chandler]
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: [Gasps] You have a third nipple?
Chandler: [to Monica] You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him] Joey was in a porno movie!
[Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that]
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

Rachel: [on phone] Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night. I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing
[a pigeon flies in the window]
Rachel: OH MY GAAWD, oh my God, mom I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.
[hangs up]
Rachel: Ah!
[in a soothing voice]
Rachel: OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot - it's not for you.
[grabs a pot and lid]
Rachel: OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy.
[puts pot over the pigeon]
Rachel: Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh,
[turns over pot]
Rachel: oh-uh
[knock at the door]
Rachel: It's open you guys.
Duncan: [enters with flowers] Hi.
Rachel: Hey, hey can I help you?
Duncan: Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
Rachel: Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
Duncan: Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.
Rachel: Her what?
[in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it fly out]
Duncan: Hey, how, how did you do that?

Rachel: [in a childish, nasal voice] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special!
[normal voice]
Rachel: What, does she go put an outfit on at night and go out and fight crime?
Monica: Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now. You're just going to have to get over it.
Rachel: Oh! I'm gonna have to get over it! See, I didn't know that's what I have to do! I just have to get over it! Oh, I'm gonna have to write that down on my hand.

"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1 (#7.23)" (2001)
Rachel Green: OK, promise not to freak out. We can't find Chandler.
[Phoebe walks in. Gives a thumbs up]
Rachel Green: er's vest. We can't find Chandler's vest?
Monica Geller: Oh, my God! Are you serious.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry. We found the vest. Although, we're going to have to keep an eye on it before it runs away again.
Monica Geller: [laughing] OK. Don't scare me like that. For a second I was like "Oh, my God! The worst has happened".

Rachel Green: Maybe it means "Tell Monica I'm sorry I drank that kast of the milk" or maybe "Tell Monica I'm sorry I used your tweezers to pluck my nose hair"
[Ross and Phoebe stare at Rachel]
Rachel Green: He does. I've seen him.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe he's writing to tell her he changed his name. Like "Tell Monica I'm Sorry".
Ross: I think it means he freaked out.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't be so negative. Isn't it possible that Sorry's in there right now.

Monica Geller: Chandler, this is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We're the Bings!
Rachel Green: [to Monica and Chandler] Hi! Aww, you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!

Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad.
Rachel: Okay, what does he look like?
Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry.
Rachel: Okay...

[Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad]
Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are?
Woman: Amanda.
Rachel: Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.

"Friends: The Last One: Part 2 (#10.18)" (2004)
Rachel: [after telling him that Phoebe said that there was something wrong with the plane's "fillange"] Sir, what are you doing?
Nervous Male Passenger: I'm getting off this plane. I can't go on a plane if there's something wrong with its "fillange".
Stewardess: Sir, sir! That's OK, this plane doesn't have a "fillange".
Nervous Male Passenger: Oh, my God! This plane doesn't even have a "fillange"!

[last lines]
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?

Ross Geller: [screaming at the answering machine] Did she get off the plane? God did she get off the plane!
Rachel: [Rachel shows up at the door] I got off the plane.

Rachel Green: [on Ross' answering machine] Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
Ross Geller: Oh my God!
Rachel Green: Excuse me?
Stewardess: Miss? Please, sit down!
Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, but I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to tell someone that I love them.
Stewardess: Miss, I can't let you off the plane.
Ross Geller: Let her off the plane!
Stewardess: I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
Rachel Green: Oh, please, miss, you don't understand!
Ross Geller: Try to understand!
Rachel Green: Oh, come on, miss, isn't there any way that you can just let me off...
[the answering machine beeps and cuts off the rest of the message]
Ross Geller: No! No! Oh my God. Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane?
Rachel Green: [from behind Ross] I got off the plane.

Monica: [to the movers and referring to dog statue] if that falls off the truck it wouldn't be the worst thing
[hands him money]
Ross Geller: [Looking around the empty apartment] Wow
Rachel: I know it seems smaller somehow
Joey Tribbiani: [Confused] has it always been purple?
Chandler: [to the twin babies] look around you guys this was your first home and it was a happy place filled with love and laughter but more importantly because it was rent controlled it was a freakin steel
Monica: [to Chandler] I almost forgot I promised Treeger we'd leave our keys
Monica: [Hugs Chandler] this is harder than I thought it would be

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Sister (#6.13)" (2000)
[Jill is wearing a sexy outfit]
Jill Green: So, what do you think?
Rachel: I-I don't like it.
Jill Green: Really?
Rachel: It's kinda slutty.
Jill Green: It's yours.
Rachel: Well, I'm a slut.
Jill Green: Me too.

[Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill]
Rachel: Oh my God, Jill.
Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel.
Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us.

Rachel: Honey what are you doing here?
Phoebe: [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her?
Jill Green: Daddy cut me off.
Phoebe: [to Ross] Never mind I got it.
Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off.
Rachel: Wow. What did he say?
Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

Joey Tribbiani: [after meeting Rachel's sister] Hey, how you doing?
Rachel: [angrily] Don't!

Rachel: So what did you do that made Dad cut you off?
Jill Green: Ok, I bought a boat.
Monica Geller: You bought a boat?
Jill Green: Yeah, but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.
Chandler: Boy, did *we* make friends with the wrong sister.

"Friends: The One with Frank Jr. (#3.5)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: [reading his list of 5 celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Elizabeth Hurley
Chandler Bing: Very attractive, forgiving
Dr. Ross Geller: Susan Sarandon
Chandler Bing: She's too political, to do it with her, you'd probably have to donate four cans of food first
Dr. Ross Geller: Isabella Rosellini
Chandler Bing: She's too international
Rachel Green: So?
Chandler Bing: So you gotta pick the odds, pick someone who will be in the country all the time
Rachel Green: Yeah because that's why you weren't get Isabella Rosellini, geography

Chandler Bing: [Saying his list of five celebrities he's allowed to sleep with] Cindy Crawford, Kim Bassinger, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth and Jessica Rabbit
Rachel Green: You do know she's a cartoon?
Chandler Bing: I thought it'd be cool to see if I could make her eyes pop out of her head

Rachel Green: [reading Ross' new list] Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Michelle Pfeffer,Elizabeth Hurley, Dorothy Hamel? Honey you do know, she only spins like that on ice.

Monica Geller: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?
Rachel Green: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn!

Rachel Green: [Talking about the list of celebrities] Well, I don't know, I guess Chris O'Donell, John F. Kennedy Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting and Parker Stevenson.
Dr. Ross Geller: Spider Man?
Rachel Green: Hardy Boy.
Chandler Bing: Peter Parker.
Dr. Ross Geller: Thank you!

"Friends: The One the Morning After (#3.16)" (1997)
Ross Geller: What are you thinking?
Rachel Green: I'm thinking... I'm going to order a pizza.
Ross Geller: Order a pizza, like... I forgive you?

Ross Geller: [Rachel is ordering a pizza] No anchovies.
Rachel Green: Extra anchovies.
Ross Geller: That's okay, I'll just pick them off.
Rachel Green: And can you chop some up and like, mix them into the sauce?

Ross Geller: This can't be it.
Rachel Green: ...then how come it is?

Ross: I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardize. I thought we were broken up.
Rachel Green: We were on a break.
Ross: That, for all I knew, could last forever. That, to me, is a breakup.
Rachel Green: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross: I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.
Rachel Green: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.

"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss (#10.1)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel. Do you have any idea where Joey is?
Rachel Green: [long pause] I really don't.

Dr. Ross Geller: How do you think he's going to take it.
Rachel Green: That is hard to, Ross. That is hard to say.

Dr. Ross Geller: I'll keep looking. He's gotta be around here some place.
Rachel Green: You would think.

Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he gone?
Rachel Green: How are you doing this?

"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box (#4.8)" (1997)
Rachel Greene: It's sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel Greene: Because he's Richard's son, Monica. It's like inviting a greek tragedy over for dinner.

Monica: Oh, my God. How cute is the new eye doctor?
Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.

Rachel: It's sick!
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

Kathy: Why is he in a box?
Rachel Greene: Joey had reasons.
Phoebe Buffay: They were threefold!

"Friends: The One with Unagi (#6.17)" (2000)
[Rachel and Phoebe have Ross pinned to the ground after he tried to scare them back]
Rachel: Say it. Say we are unagi.
Ross: It's not something you are, it's something you have!

[ater Ross has bragged about having "unagi"]
Phoebe, Rachel: [sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting] Danger!
[Ross screams]
Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.

Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass!
Rachel: Yeah!
Ross: After one class? I don't think so.
Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya!
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi.
Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi?
Ross: No, it's a concept.
Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel.
Ross: All right, maybe it means that too.
Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now.
Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!

[Ross has just scared Phoebe and Rachel]
Ross: At what point of those girlish screams would you have begun to KICK MY ASS?
Rachel: Alright, so we weren't PREPARED!

"Friends: The One Hundredth (#5.3)" (1998)
Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having these babies for Frank and Alice.
Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one.
Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...

Nurse: Now, which one of you is the father?
[pointing to Joey and Ross]
Phoebe: Oh no, neither of them are the father. The father is my brother.
Nurse: Okaaay.
Rachel: I am so gonna miss seeing you freak people out like that.

Rachel: How do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh,
[snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice]
Joey: Grandma's chicken salad.

Rachel: Hi, Pheebs? Okay, so just spoke to the nurse and the reason that your doctor is late is because uh, she's not coming.
Phoebe: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Apparently she fell in the shower and hit her head.
Phoebe: Oh my God, she's so stupid!
Dr. Ross Geller: Now, Pheebs, Pheebs, its going to be okay.
Phoebe: That's easy for you to say. I don't see three kids coming out of your vagina.

"Friends: The One with the Kips (#5.5)" (1998)
Dr. Ross Geller: Remember how you told me I should give Emily whatever she wants?
Rachel Green: Yeah.
Dr. Ross Geller: And while that was good advice, you should know that what she wants is for me not to see you anymore.
Rachel Green: That's crazy. What are you going to tell her?
[awkward silence]
Rachel Green: Oh my God! You already agreed to this, haven't you?
[her eyes are filling with tears]
Dr. Ross Geller: But the good news is, we get to spend as much time together as we want before Emily comes to New York!
Rachel Green: [clapping her hands] Oh! That is great news! You know what, Ross? I think that's the best news I've heard since Lepooh died!

Dr. Ross Geller: Hi!
Rachel Green: What are you doing here? Isn't this against the rules?
Dr. Ross Geller: Look. Monica told me about the phasing out thing. I'm the one who is making things change, so I should be the one to, you know, step back.
Rachel Green: [interrupting] Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: No, I mean it. There's plenty of people who only see their sisters at Thanksgiving, who only see their college roommates at reunions and who only see Joey at Burger King! So is that better?
Rachel Green: [long pause] No it's not better! I still don't get to see you!
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, what would you do, Rach?
Rachel Green: Well, the start is I would have said the right name at my wedding!

Dr. Ross Geller: What are you doing?
Rachel Green: Storming out!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rachel, this is your apartment.
Rachel Green: Yeah, well, that's how mad I am!

Rachel Green: What's going on?
Chandler: We're flipping Monica's mattress.
Joey Tribbiani: So, I'm thinking basically we pick it up, and then we flip it.

"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song (#9.7)" (2002)
Rachel Greene: Take it from me. Mothers love me. Ross' mom actually said that I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica Geller-Bing: She said WHAT?
Phoebe Buffay: That she's like the daughter that she never had. Listen.
[Monica looks at Phoebe angrily]

Phoebe: Hi.
Monica, Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, you have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents, that's a big step.
Phoebe: Really? That hadn't occured to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper East side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah, she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright, so, which dress?
[shows them two dresses]
Phoebe: [long pause] You can say neither...
Monica, Rachel: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, we're gonna take you shopping, it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally, you are in such good hands and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit but not in a gross way, just kind of like "Oh, Mr Pinser, I can see where Wallas gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallas Pinser?
Rachel: Ah, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: [scoffs] Well, duh!

Dr. Ross Geller: I sang, or rapped, "Baby Got Back"?
Rachel Greene: You what? So you sang, to our baby daughter, a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Rachel Greene: Is it only offensive, novelty rap? Or just rap in general? Because mommy can rap.
[starts bopping her fists]
Rachel Greene: "My name is Mommy and I'm here to say that all the babies are..." Oh, I can't rap.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush (#4.13)" (1998)
Rachel Green: [on the phone] Monica, I'm quitting. I just helped an eighty-year old woman put a thong on, and she didn't even buy it.

[talking about her new client]
Rachel Green: He's got the most beautiful name. I never realized. Joshua. Josh - Ua. Joshua.

[while practicing asking Joshua out]
Rachel Green: Would you like to go to a basketball game with... You know it's funny, basketball, because I happen to have... Who like the Kni...
[Joshua enters the room]

Rachel Green: [Wondering how to ask a client out on a date] I don't even know how I would go about it.
Joey Tribbiani: Oh oh oh, what I do is uh, I look a woman up and down and I say, "Hey, how you doin..."
Rachel Green: [Annoyed] Oh, please.
Joey Tribbiani: [to Phoebe] Hey! How you doin...
Phoebe: [Phoebe pauses a moment then looks away, giggling and flattered] Just fine.

"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Runs (#6.7)" (1999)
[ready to leave a voicemail greeting]
Rachel Green: OK, ready? Hi.
Phoebe Buffay: It's
Rachel Green: Rachel
Phoebe Buffay: And
Rachel Green: Phoebe's.
Phoebe Buffay: Please
Rachel Green: Leave
Phoebe Buffay: Leave
Rachel Green: I just said "leave".
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that's because you have all the good words. What do I have? Oh, I have "it's", "and", oh, I'm sorry I have "a". Forget it.
Rachel Green: That's not true.
Phoebe Buffay: Alright, then we can switch?
Rachel Green: No. I have all the good words.
[Phoebe looks mad]
Rachel Green: Alright. Let's switch.
Phoebe Buffay: Hi
Rachel Green: Everybody.
Phoebe Buffay: It's
Rachel Green: Rachel
Phoebe Buffay: And
Rachel Green: Phoebe's.
Phoebe Buffay: Pl... wait, how did you do that? Oh, you're no ordinary roomate. This shall be interesting.

Rachel Green: It's just the way you run is a little...
[waves her arms like crazy]
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah. Well, I wasn't embarrassed running next to Miss Ch Ch Ch
[imitating Rachel]

Phoebe Buffay: I can see why running next to me would be embarrassing for you. Yeah. You're uptight.
Rachel Green: Hey, I am not. Whoa. I am not uptight. Man.

Rachel Green: [Talking about Phoebe's strange running style] I swear when she runs she runs like a mix between Kermit the Frog & the Six Million Dollar Man

"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 1 (#5.23)" (1999)
[Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas]
Joey: Hey Rach. How you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross. Don't let her drink anymore.

[In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room]
Rachel: [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial.
[There is a knock at the door]
Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.

Rachel: [throws off her light blue robe and gasps at herself, completely naked] Oh! Look what happened...
[looking about, thinking to herself]
Rachel: Check me *out*. I'm in my kitchen... *naked*.
[shrugs, picks up an orange]
Rachel: I'm pickin' up an orange... and I'm *naked*.
[puts the orange down, heads over to the couch with a smile]
Rachel: I'm lighting the candle... *naked*. And carefully.

[Ross and Rachel are both drunk]
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
[Hugs Joey]
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
[Hugs Rachel]
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: [Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground]
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!

"Friends: The One with the Football (#3.9)" (1996)
Monica: [Rachel is decorating a dessert with marshmallows] Um, Rachel, you want to put the marshmallows in *concentric* circles.
Rachel Green: No, Mon, *you* want to put them in concentric circles. *I* want to do this.
[sticks a marshmallow up one of Monica's nostrils]
Monica: [to Phoebe] Every year.

[during the game Rachel has a pretzal]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, where did you get that?
Rachel Green: I went really long!

Rachel Green: Maybe there's some kind of league that we can join.
Phoebe: Isn't there a National Football League or something?
Chandler: Yeah, but they only play on Sunday and Monday nights.
Rachel Green: Oh shoot. I work Monday nights.

"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos (#1.4)" (1994)
Rachel: Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Rachel: [talking about Ross] Can't you just picture him in bed?
Monica Geller: Really don't want to!

Rachel: [Looking at her very first pay statement] Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money?

"Friends: The Last One: Part 1 (#10.17)" (2004)
[Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first]
Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know.
Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw.
[kisses him on the cheek]

Monica: I'm so glad you got to see the babies
Rachel: I'm just sorry I won't be around to see you guys try to handle this I love you all so much
Rachel: [to Ross] I just want you to know last night I'll never forget it
Dr. Ross Geller: [They hug and Rachel leaves] Neither will I
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: [to Ross] You just let her go?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe that's for the best

Rachel: [Rachel enters] I just dropped Emma off at my mother's
Joey Tribbiani: You're not taking her with you?
Rachel: [Referring to Ross] No we decided I'd go first and set everything up and my mom would bring Emma on Sunday
Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan: Wow eight hour flight a one year old? Good luck mom
Rachel: Are you kidding? Eight hour flight with my mom talking about Atkins? Good luck Emma

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Gets Caught (#10.10)" (2004)
[first lines]
Rachel Green: You gotta see these latest pictures of Emma.
Phoebe Buffay: Ooh how cute. She looks just like a little doll.
Rachel Green: Oh, no no! That is a doll.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh thank God because that thing is really creepy.

Rachel Green: What about you Joe, what would you give up, sex or food?
Joey Tribbiani: Uhh... ooh... uhh...
[thinks really hard]
Joey Tribbiani: I don't know, it's too hard!
Rachel Green: No, you gotta pick one!
Joey Tribbiani: [sighs] Uhh, food... no, sex! Food! Sex! Food! Se- I dunno, oh god I want both! I want... I want girls on bread!

Rachel Green: When we were out there today, all I kept thinking was, "I can't believe Chandler is screwing this woman, but man, this would be a nice place to live!"

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't get a good-bye?
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Everyone gets a good-bye, but me? What do I got to do to get a good-bye? Huh? Uh, be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have - have a baby with you? Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! I *did* all those things!
Rachel Green: Ross...
Dr. Ross Geller: Or no, maybe, maybe I'm just not giving you enough credit! Uh, I mean it *is* difficult to say "good-bye" to five people. Uh, "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "good-bye", "goo - guh - guh", it's physically impossible!
Dr. Ross Geller: You know, after all we've been through, I can't believe *this* is how you want to leave things between us. Have a, have a good time in Paris.

Rachel Green: You really think I didn't say "good-bye" because I don't care?
Dr. Ross Geller: That's what it seemed like.
Rachel Green: I cannot believe that after ten years, you do not know *one* thing about me!
Dr. Ross Geller: Fine! That why didn't you say something?
Rachel Green: Because it is too damn hard, Ross! I cannot even begin to explain to you how much I am going to miss you! When I think about not seeing you everyday, it makes me not want to go! Okay? So if you think that, that I didn't say "good-bye" to you because you don't mean as much to me as everyone else, you're wrong. It's because you mean *more* to me. So there! All right? *There's* your good-bye!
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach!
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: You ca - ! You keep - ! You can't - !
Rachel Green: What?
[Ross kisses her]

Joey Tribbiani: Let's play one more time, okay? And remember if I win, you do not move to Paris.
Rachel Green: Okay, can't believe I'm risking this again, but you are on! Alright Joey you remember the rules, heads I win tails you lose!
Joey Tribbiani: Just flip!
Rachel Green: Ah! Tails!
Joey Tribbiani: Damn it!

"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1 (#2.12)" (1996)
[to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
Joey: I am not Drake.
Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
[looks dramatically into the camera]
Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
Erika Ford: [believes it] Is this true?
[Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
[Rachel throws water in his face]
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
[Monica throws water in his face]
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
[Chandler throws water in his face]

Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.

Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday when you get older you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you, but don't!/ 'Cos that's another thing that you don't want to do. Everybody! That's another thing that you don't want to do.
Monica: Excellent!
Chandler: Very informative!
Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!

"Friends: The One with All the Thanksgivings (#5.8)" (1998)
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH.
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.

Rachel: I can't believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson. You know, I'm taking him back. I don't care how much he begs.
Monica: I think his begging days are over now he's going out with Nancy Branson.

Rachel: Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
Joey: Hey! It's not how it sounds!
Chandler: It is exactly how it sounds.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss (#7.20)" (2001)
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing.
Ross: Now that's two of my wives.

[Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her]
Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla.
Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas.
Phoebe: To Ross.

Rachel: [to Melissa Warburton] C'mon, remember we were on the sleeping porch. We couldn't stop giggling... and our coconuts
[party bras]
Rachel: kept knocking together.
Phoebe: Oh! Somewhere, Joey's head is exploding.

"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready (#3.2)" (1996)
[Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel]
Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty.
Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep.
Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep.
Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days.
Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping.
Ross: What?
Chandler: [shyly] The sheep.
Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...

Rachel: Oh, and, uh, by the way...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am going commando, too.

Rachel: [to Ross as they leave for the night] oh by the way, I'm going "commando" too.

"Friends: The One with All the Cheesecakes (#7.11)" (2001)
Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again.
Rachel: So, just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem?
Chandler: I can't seem to say good-bye.

Rachel: [after deciding to return Mrs Braverman's stolen cheesecake] Yeah we'll just drop it off downstairs so that we're not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go for lunch?
Rachel: Momma's Litte Bakery, Chicago, Illinois!

Chandler: Well thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What! Wait a minute, I didn't pay, I thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just don't pay for food anymore.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus (#4.11)" (1998)
[Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide]
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
[everyone approves]
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Monica Geller: All right, I'm gonna show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, give me that pad, please?
[Monica starts drawing on it]
Monica Geller: All right. Now...
Chandler Bing: Look, you don't have to draw an actual wo... Whoa! She's hot!
Monica Geller: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones.
[She starts labeling them]
Monica Geller: You got one, two three, four
[Chandler is shocked to find out there's more than three]
Monica Geller: , five, six, and seven!
Chandler Bing: There are seven?
Rachel: Let me see that.
[Monica shows her]
Rachel: Oh, yeah.
Chandler Bing: [Points to one] That's one?
Monica Geller: It's kind of an important one!
Chandler Bing: Oh, y'know-y'know what, I was looking at it upside down.
Monica Geller: Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp.
Chandler Bing: That-that's bad?
Monica Geller: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.
Chandler Bing: Well, you might if it were anything like 7!
Monica Geller: All right uh, the important thing is to take your time, you want to hit 'em all, and you mix 'em up. You gotta keep them on their toes.
Chandler Bing: Oo, toes! Well, for some people.
[Chandler eyes her and her toes]
Monica Geller: All right. Umm, you could uh start out with a little 1, a 2, a 1-2-3, 3, 5, a 4, a 3-2, 2, a 2-4-6, 2-4-6, 4,
[Rachel starts getting worked up]
Monica Geller: 2, 2, 4-7, 5-7, 6-7, 7.
Monica Geller: [Starting to yell] 7... 7... 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7!
[Monica and Rachel both lean back on the couch satisfied]

Joey: Guess what job I just got?
Chandler Bing: I don't know, but Donald Trump wants his blue blazer black.
Ross: What?
Chandler Bing: Blue blazer back. He wants it back.
Rachel: But, you said "black". Why would he want his blue blazer black?
Chandler Bing: Well, you know what I meant.
Monica Geller: No, you messed it up. You're stupid.

"Friends: The One Without the Ski Trip (#3.17)" (1997)
Phoebe: Aren't you gonna go?
Rachel Green: No, thank you.
Monica Geller: No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Rachel Green: Well, they never have any paper in there, you know, so my rule is: "No tissue, no tushy."

Rachel Green: [after Chandler has thrown his cigarette butt on the ground] Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash can right there!
Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.

Dr. Ross Geller: [after filling up the cab's gas tank] You're welcome.
Rachel Green: Oh, I'm sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with someone else?

"Friends: The One Where Ross Is Fine (#10.2)" (2003)
Ross: [Ross just found out that Joey and Rachel were together and is now drunk] Ah, love. L-O-V-E love. 'L' is for life. I mean what is life without love?
[long pause]
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, are we supposed to answer?
Ross: 'O' is for OH WOW! 'V' is for this very surprising turn of events which i am *still* fine with by the way. 'EEE'
Ross: is for how extreeemeely normal I find it that you two are together and that one day you might get married... and have children of your own...

Ross: [Rachel, Joey and Charlie are eating fajitas, then Ross enters the scene] I'd like to make a toast, to Rachel and Joey
Rachel: Ooyy!
Ross: And... to *love*.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas]
Ross: Ahh, love... l-o-v-e. L is for life, and what is life without love?
Rachel: [to Joey] Oh my god, I was supposed to answer?
Ross: O is for Oh WOW! V is for this very surprising turn of events which I am still fine with, by the way.
[Rachel, Joey and Charlie are about to drink their margaritas again]
Ross: E is for how *extremely* normal I find it that *you* two are together... and that one day you might get married and have children of your own.
Joey: [awkward silence] Dude, are you okay?
Ross: Totally!
[drinks margarita]
Rachel: Ross, you don't seem OK.
Ross: I'm sorry, it must be the pressure of entertaining. I think everyone would feel better if we had some *flan*!
Charlie Wheeler: Wait Ross, Ross, I-I have to take off.
Ross: Nooo!
Charlie Wheeler: I'm sorry, I have a really early class in the morning, but this has been lovely.
Ross: Wasn't it? And you thought it would be awkward with Joey and that you never really liked Rachel.
Charlie Wheeler: *You're on fire*! I'll call you in the morning, ok?
Ross: OK.
[goes to kitchen]
Charlie Wheeler: Oh God Rachel, what Ross just said, that is-...
Rachel: Oh!that's ok, girls tend not to like me.
Charlie Wheeler: Bye.
Ross: [Ross enters the room with flan] OK! I guess it's just flan for three! Hey... hey, that rhymed!
Rachel: You know what Ross? I think we're gonna take of too.
Ross: Oh, oh... Of course! God, I'm so stupid, you guys are a couple now and you probably just wanna be alone.
Rachel: No, no, it's just that it's getting late-...
Ross: Hey, hey, it's fine, it's totally fine. We've got plenty of margaritas, it's all good.
[oven timer sounds]
Ross: I don't even know what that's for.

Rachel: I'm sorry, this must be so embarrassing.
Charlie Wheeler: Oh, don't worry. My father was a raging alcoholic.
[Rachel looks stunned]
Charlie Wheeler: Oh, I'm sorry, did I make things awkward?

"Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt (#5.19)" (1999)
[after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together]
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women...

[Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost ear-ring]
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a Pampers commercial.
[Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down... ]
Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.

Rachel: I am so sorry for Ross' flirting.
Caitlin: [stunned] Oh my God! That was flirting?

"Friends: The One with the Videotape (#8.4)" (2001)
Rachel: [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west Village.

[debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape]
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: [raising his hand and pointing to himself] Some guy!
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams.

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.

Joey: [about Rachel's assistant, Tag] If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?

Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.

"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions (#5.11)" (1999)
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo."
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy.
Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?

Monica Geller: I can't wait to see you. I'm just going to tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple hours.
Chandler: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
[Rachel is shocked]
Monica Geller: You know what your nickname is, Mr Big...
Rachel: AHHHHH!
[hangs up]

Rachel: Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom and get me that book back that he borrowed from me?
Joey: [Suspicious] Now? You want me to go over there now? I don't...
[Rachel approaches him suspicious too]
Joey: Do you know something?
Rachel: Do you know something?
Joey: I might know something.
Rachel: I might know something too.
Joey: What's the thing you know?
Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know.
Joey: I can't tell you what I know.
Rachel: Well, then I can't tell you what I know.
Joey: Ok, fine.
[They stare each other in silence]
Joey: You don't know!
Rachel: Alright, how about I go over there, and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see if the thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know!

"Friends: The One Where Joey Dates Rachel (#8.12)" (2002)
Rachel Greene: [Joey comes home from a date] Oh, thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo.
Joey Tribbiani: [Surprised] Alone?
Rachel Greene: Yes.
Rachel Greene: What is wrong with this dog?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel Greene: No... seriously, what's wrong with this dog?

Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then...
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.

Joey Tribbiani: Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one, they are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Rachel: Yeah, but I don't know why.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Finds Out (#2.7)" (1995)
Rachel Green: [Rachel told Ross she had feelings for him right before he went off to buy a cat with his girlfriend. Ross enters suddenly, making Rachel jump] Oh! Hi.
Ross: I didn't get a cat.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's... interesting...
Ross: No it's not interesting. It's very very not interesting. It's actually 100% the opposite of interesting, it's...
Rachel Green: OK, I got it Ross.

Ross: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Rachel Green: What?
Ross: [shouts] I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you!
Rachel Green: Hey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Ross: Well then you should have said something before I met her!
Rachel Green: I didn't *know* then! And how come *you* never said anything to *me*?
Ross: There was never a good time.
Rachel Green: Yeah right. You only had a *year* , we only hung out *every* night.
Ross: Not, not, not... *every* night.

Ross: The point is that I don't need this right now. It's too late. I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed!
Rachel Green: [angrily] So, you're just gonna, what, put away feelings or whatever the hell it was that you felt for me?
Ross: Hey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it!
Rachel Green: OK fine, you go ahead and you do that, all right Ross?
Ross: [turns to leave] OK, fine.
Rachel Green: Because I don't need your stupid ship.
[Rachel follows and calls out after him]
Rachel Green: And you know what? *Now* I got closure!
[Slams door and locks it but almost immediately dissolves into tears. Ross quietly returns and watches her through the glass door. Rachel gathers herself together and stands up. She sees Ross through the glass and gasps. She goes over to open it but starts to struggle with the locks]
Ross: Try the bottom one.
[Rachel does. She opens the door. They look at each other. Ross wordlessly pulls her into his arms and the two of them kiss - finally!]

"Friends: The One with the Baby Shower (#8.20)" (2002)
Rachel Green: [after being told how often a baby soils a diaper] It goes ten times a day? What are we feeding this kid, Indian food?

Rachel Green: What's the final head count on my baby shower?
Phoebe Buffay: About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.
Monica Geller-Bing: Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.
Rachel Green: What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!

Sandra Green: Rachel, you must get a nanny. You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be. I mean, when you were a baby I had full-time help, I had Mrs. K.
Rachel Green: Mrs. K, oh, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish. Actually I think I remember some of it, "tu madre es loca"
[your mother is crazy]
Sandra Green: Such a sweet woman.

"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Rachel: Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

Rachel: [reading her hometown's country club newsletter's Engagements section] Oh, my god... oh, my god, it's Barry and Mindy!
Monica Geller: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost.
Monica Geller: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of.

Dr. Ross Geller: It will be finally good to get this off you
Marcel the Monkey: Makes squeaking noise
Dr. Ross Geller: Or we can we can leave it on
Rachel: You know with the right pair of pumps that would make a cute little outfit

"Friends: The One with the List (#2.8)" (1995)
Rachel: Chandler wrote something about me on that paper and I want to see it!
Ross: Chandler isn't that the short story you were writing?
Rachel: Short story? And I'm in it? I want to read it!
Ross, Joey, Chandler: NO!
Joey: Why don't you read it to her?
Chandler: It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there... A lonely grey couch..."OH LOOK!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The End.

Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!

Ross: [Rachel confronts Ross about the list] Okay, but look at the other side. Look at what it says about Julie.
Rachel Green: [Reads] "She's not Rachem"?
Ross: No!
Rachel Green: What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some paleontology term that I wouldn't know about because I'm just a waitress?

"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part Two (#4.24)" (1998)
Rachel: [talking to another man] And so then I realized all this stuff that I had been doing: proposing to Joshua, lying to Ross about why I couldn't come to the wedding was all just way
[is cut off by the Gentleman]
The Gentleman on the Plane: Oh, oh, oh. I'm sorry, can I interrupt? I just want to say that you are a horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: Pardon me?
The Gentleman on the Plane: Well, you say you love this man, and yet you're about to ruin the happiest day of his life. I'm afraid I have to agree with your friend 'Phebes'. This a terrible, terrible plan.
Rachel: But he has to know how I feel.
The Gentleman on the Plane: But why? He loves this... this Emily person. No good can come of this.
Rachel: Well, I think you're wrong.
The Gentleman on the Plane: [sarcastically] Oh no!
Rachel: Well, he doesn't really love her, it's just a rebound thing from me. You'll see.
The Gentleman on the Plane: Fortunately, I won't. And by the way, it seems perfectly clear that you were on a break.
[Rachal gasps in rage when hearing the annoying phrase that Ross told her so many times before]

[Rachel is on a plane to London, next to an English gentleman. She is drumming very annoyingly on a magazine in her lap]
The Gentleman on the Plane: Uh... uh... excuse me?
Rachel: Yeah?
The Gentleman on the Plane: If you're planning on doing that throughout the entire flight, please tell me now, so that I can take a sedative. Or perhaps slip you one.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)
Chandler: [after Rachel opens Ross's gift] Oh, c'mon Ross. Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: What did you just say?
Chandler: [long pause as he realizes what he just said. Clears throat. Pauses] Crystal duck.
Rachel: No. No. No. The um... the love part.

Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2 (#1.17)" (1995)
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention.

[filling out a form]
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh, wait yes. Blistex.
Monica: Okay, no.

"Friends: The One with Ross's Sandwich (#5.9)" (1998)
Phoebe: Why didn't you just say you didn't read the book?
Rachel Green: Well, I didn't want him to think I was stupid. I mean, that was really embarrassing what happened to you.

[about the book Jane Eyre]
Rachel Green: I think the book was written way ahead of its time.
Teacher: If you're talking about feminism, I think you're right.
Rachel Green: Feminism, yes. But also the robots.

"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing (#4.4)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: [talking about Mr Treeger] The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel Green: [crying] That is not true.

[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel Green: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel Green: You are so enjoying this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pas de bourrée.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]

"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding (#2.24)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler Bing: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice Litman: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!

Rachel Green: You know what, Bare, I'm not gonna leave, because I promised myself I'd make it through at least one of your weddings.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells... (#8.3)" (2001)
Rachel Green: Oh, please. You inhale your food.
Ross: I grew up with Monica. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

[Rachel has just told Ross that she is pregnant]
Ross: Yeah, I need uh... I'm just-I don't know-I don't understand, umm, how this happened? We-we used a condom.
Rachel Green: I know. I know, but y'know condoms only work like 97% of the time.
Ross: What? What? What? Well they should put that on the box!
Rachel Green: They do!
Ross: No they don't!
[He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms]
Ross: Well they should put it in huge black letters!
Rachel Green: Okay Ross come on let's just forget about the condoms.
Ross: Oh well I may as well have!

"Friends: The One with the Bullies (#2.21)" (1996)
Chandler Bing, Dr. Ross Geller: [monotone] Hi.
Rachel Green: What's the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel Green: No?
Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
[they both hug]
Chandler Bing: Ohhh
[he turns as if to hug someone]
Chandler Bing: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.

Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach you want some sandwich?
Rachel Green: Oh! What is in that?
Joey Tribbiani: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
Rachel Green: No, no with mayo that would make it gross.

"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away (#1.9)" (1994)
Chandler Bing: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here...
[while clinking his wine glass]
Chandler Bing: Ding ding.
[resumes his speech]
Chandler Bing: I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean,
[to Rachel]
Chandler Bing: if you'd gone to Vail,
[to Monica and Ross]
Chandler Bing: and if you guys'd been with your family,
[to Joey]
Chandler Bing: if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
All: That's so sweet.
Ross Geller: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel Green: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler Bing: Here, here!

Monica: Hey Rach did you make your money?
Rachel Green: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.

"Friends: The One with the 'Cuffs (#4.3)" (1997)
Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to the desk by Rachel's boss] You know what, Chandler? You got yourself into those 'cuffs, you get yourself out.
Chandler: I can't! You must have me confused with "The Amazing Chandler!"

Rachel: [Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him] You promise you will never see Joanna again.
Chandler: Never.
Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again.
Chandler: No.
Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman.
Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: [pause] Well, then I lost it, you buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Come on!
Rachel: [unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were] Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off.
[runs over to office door where his pants are hanging]
Chandler: Hello, sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out?
Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.

"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 2 (#6.16)" (2000)
[Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her]
Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people?
Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's?
Rachel: What are you, a detective?

Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.

"Friends: The One with the Ball (#5.21)" (1999)
Gunther: [after buying the Sphinx cat from Rachel] I just came to pick up the red velvet pillow.
Rachel Green: Oh sure. I'll get it for you.
Gunther: [to Ross before she leaves, referring to the cat] So what is this, some kind of snake?

Rachel Green: I just bought something. I'm not sure she
[meaning Monica]
Rachel Green: is gonna like it, and it's gonna seem a little crazy, but this is something I've wanted since I was a little girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You bought Shaun Cassidy!
Rachel Green: No, I wish!

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry (#6.14)" (2000)
Jill Green: You can't tell me what to do!
Rachel Green: I'm not. I'm telling you what not to do!

Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
[goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up from the table] Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi everybody, what are you ...
[screams and points at the TV]
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?

"Friends: The One with the Stripper (#8.8)" (2001)
Dr. Leonard Green: So what's new with you?
Rachel: [hesitating] Uhh, well, I got TiVo...!
Dr. Leonard Green: [confused] What's TiVo?
Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant!

Dr. Leonard Green: [Rachel has just told her father she's pregnant] Pregnant! Rachel Karen Green, tell me you're not pregnant!
Rachel: Well, yes and no; except not no.
Dr. Leonard Green: Who's the father?
[looks at Phoebe]
Dr. Leonard Green: Please, tell me it's not her!
Rachel: No, no, Daddy; it's Ross, Ross Geller; you like Ross. C'mon, Daddy; you're going to be a grandfather. You're going to be a 'Poppy'!
Dr. Leonard Green: [sniffling] You're right. I'm going to be a 'Poppy'. Okay, when's the wedding?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Leonard Green: The wedding! Rachel, don't tell me there's not going to be a wedding! Don't tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard!
Rachel: Uh, February 2!

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Is Late (#8.22)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: Rach, you ready to go?
Rachel Green: [from the bathroom] IN A MINUTE!

Rachel Green: Hi, Doctor, how are you?
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh sure, you're nice to her
Rachel Green: She has the drugs!

"Friends: The One with the Thumb (#1.3)" (1994)
Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing!
Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Rachel: I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel: Oh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come off!

"Friends: The One with the Flashback (#3.6)" (1996)
Rachel Green: [to her friends] I just feel like I need one last fling, get it out of my system, I just want have meaningless sex with the next guy I see.
Chandler Bing: [drops the pool ball] Excuse me, I seem to have dropped my ball.
Rachel Green: Yeah, so?
Chandler Bing: [picks it up] And now I've picked it up again.

Janice Litman: Janice has a question: Who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty math problem.
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us.
Janice Litman: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, that's a different question.
Janice Litman: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has never bumped uglies. I've got another question: Who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel Green: [they all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, there's a dog out there!

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss (#5.17)" (1999)
Monica: Hey, Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called. You got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Monica, that's not funny.
Monica: Oh, OK.
Monica: A guy from Ralph Lauren called you got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Oh, my God, Monica, you better be serious.
Monica: You just told me to be funny.

Rachel Green: I remember he said something about a boat and I said, "well, yeah, if you got enough life jackets."
[starts laughing]
Rachel Green: [Joey and Chandler are silent]
Rachel Green: Trust me, it was very funny.

"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
Monica Geller-Bing: Who are you?
Priest: I am the priest.
Chandler Bing: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel Green: As are you.

Chandler: I know about the baby.
Monica: We have a baby?
Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash.
Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: Then who did?
Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Uh-huh.

"Friends: The One with the Boobies (#1.13)" (1995)
Rachel Green: Why can't parents just stay parents? You know? Why do they have to become people?

Rachel Green: Fasten your seat belts, it's pee pee time.

"Friends: The One with the Fertility Test (#9.21)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: [Entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there] Hey guys, look what I just got.
[Shows them a pair of shoes]
Rachel Green: Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe Buffay: I bought them off E-Bay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel Green: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, then I overpaid.

Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, what's this?
Rachel Green: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in Soho.
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this, she hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel Green: Oh, what? Now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting.
Monica Geller-Bing: Do you wanna go hunting?
Rachel Green: Well, I would like to have the option.

"Friends: The One with the Ring (#6.23)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Paul's a very private person.
Phoebe: You just have to think of him like a jar of pickles.
Rachel Green: So what am I supposed to do, run him under some hot water and bang his head against a table?

Rachel Green: They say that still waters run deep, and I wanna swim in yours.
Paul Stevens: Are you talking about having sex?

"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (#1.5)" (1994)
[Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent]
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough.

Rachel: You know what I figure, If I can do laundry, there's nothing I can't do.

"Friends: The One Where Emma Cries (#9.2)" (2002)
[upon seeing the big, stuffed animal]
Rachel Green: There's what every mother needs. A giant, stuffed gorilla that takes up the entire apartment. What are people think...
[reading the tag, clearly not happy]
Rachel Green: Oh you guys, I love it!

Rachel Green: I have to go to the bathroom.
Phoebe Buffay: I have to go scream into a pillow.

"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance (#6.4)" (1999)
[In a Scottish Accent, on the phone]
Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time.

Monica Geller: Hey Rach, aren't these candlesticks mine?
Rachel: No, no, I bought those.
Monica Geller: Oh, right, I forgot... that you're a liar!

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner (#3.14)" (1997)
Chandler Bing: I just had me a nubbinectomy. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica Geller: Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Monica Geller: Oh, come on. You got to admit, it was an easy joke.
Chandler Bing: That was an easy joke. I could have thought of it. Why didn't I think of it?
[Points at where his "nubbin" was]
Chandler Bing: The source of all my power. Oh, my God, what have I done?

Dr. Ross Geller: So I nodded of a little...
Rachel Green: Nodded off? Ross, you were snoring! My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Dr. Ross Geller: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Rachel Green: Okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and his 'hey, everybody, remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years? Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had!

"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends (#3.13)" (1997)
Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer?

Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey Tribbiani: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey Tribbiani: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.

"Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty (#7.14)" (2001)
Rachel Green: Y'know what? I am going to do something today. I'm not just gonna sit around like some old lady. I'm gonna get something pierced. Like my uh, like my nose or my tongue or something.
Phoebe Buffay: Really? Cause you know that hurts.
Rachel Green: So what? You know the way I see it...
[Phoebe pulls a hair out from the back of Rachel's head]
Rachel Green: Ow. Son of a BITCH!

[Rachel is reading Chandler's card and trying not to cry]
Rachel Green: "Happy birthday, Grandma. It's better to be over the hill..."
[Rachel opens the card]
Rachel Green: "... than buried under it."

"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device (#3.8)" (1996)
Monica Geller Bing: [after bumping Ben's head on the ceiling, Monica & Rachel are thinking of ways to distract Ross from the bump on Ben's head] I've got it! The second that Ross walks in that door I want you to take him back to your bedroom and you do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, "Reee!"
Rachel Green: Or... We could put a hat on his head.

Rachel Green: [Rachel after banging her head on a pole] Oh, yeah, if it's not a headboard it's just not worth it.

"Friends: The One with the Cooking Class (#8.21)" (2002)
Rachel Green: Here I am about to pop, and Ross is picking up women at "Sluts R US".
Phoebe Buffay: Is that a real place? Are they hiring?

Chandler Bing: What about you? You liked me when we first met right?
Rachel Green: Chandler I'm not gonna lie to you... but I am going to run away from you.

"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater (#8.2)" (2001)
Joey Tribbiani: It's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom. I've always felt that we have this "special bond". Rachel Green, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!

Rachel Green: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you that she was pregnant?
Joey Tribbiani: [warily] Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have an accent? I gotta make a call!
[Starts to leave]
Joey Tribbiani: I shoulda never walked into that Sunglass Hut!

"Friends: The One with the Cat (#4.2)" (1997)
Rachel Green: Monica, I couldn't find him for two hours because he was in the bathroom having sex with Amy Welsh.
Monica: Come on. That was back in high school. How could that still bother you?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah you're right, Moni-Cow.
Monica: OK, I hear you.

Ross: I was just leaving.
Rachel Green: Good! 'Cause I've got a product report to read. It's like eight pages, I hope I don't fall asleep!
Ross: Why, did you write it?

"Friends: The One with the Blackout (#1.7)" (1994)
Rachel: When he smiled at me, those first three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.
Phoebe: Now, did you ride mopeds?... 'cause I heard... oh, I see, it's not about that right now.

[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!

"Friends: The One with the Monkey (#1.10)" (1994)
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?
[They all hit her with pillows]
Rachel: Gee, what? What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!

[last lines]
Rachel: I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Has a Baby: Part 2 (#8.24)" (2002)
Janice Litman-Garelnick: Oh, well then shut me up.
Rachel Green: [Rachel smiles] Just tell me how.

Dr. Long: [Rachel is still not fully dilated] 21 hours. You're a hero.
Rachel Green: Doctor you've gotta do something! I... ya... you've gotta give me drugs... or you gotta light a fire up in there and just smoke it out!

"Friends: The One with Ross' Teeth (#6.8)" (1999)
[Ross has just gotten his teeth whitened]
Dr. Ross Geller: Hey, Rachel, did you notice...
Rachel Green: Your teeth? Yeah, I saw them from outside.

Rachel Green: [to Monica] Oh, are you setting Ross up with someone? Does she have a wedding dress?

"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies (#2.20)" (1996)
Rachel Green: I do not think what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: ...Ross looks at her...
Rachel Green: You know what our children's names are gonna be!
Dr. Ross Geller: No, no, I mean you know, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily, and I thought, I thought it might be good.
Rachel Green: What was the book?
Dr. Ross Geller: ...The big book of children's name.

Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Whatcha guys doin'?
Dr. Richard Burke: Monica's making us watch Old Yeller.
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
Rachel Green: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: What're you talking about?
Phoebe Buffay: C'mon, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, but Pheebs, what about the end?
Phoebe Buffay: What when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
Rachel Green: That's not the end.
Phoebe Buffay: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica Geller: What about the part where he has rabies?
Phoebe Buffay: He doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
Dr. Richard Burke: Uh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
Phoebe Buffay: What, what's about to happen?
[starts watching]
Phoebe Buffay: I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, whatcha doin' with that gun? Oh no, no, no Travis, put down the gun. No, no, no, no he-he's your buddy. He's your Yeller! No, no, no! The end, THE END!
[hears the gunshot from the TV]
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?

"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies (#2.3)" (1995)
Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.
Rachel: Okay, you win.

Rachel: Monica! Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica Geller: Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel: What? Oh come on! I mean, it's, it's not, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything. Which by the way, I also think is really cool.
Monica Geller: Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff?
Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?
Monica Geller: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica Geller: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno...
Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room.
Monica Geller: ...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Rachel: Okay, well you "mmmmm" on that for a while. I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp!

"Friends: The One with the Free Porn (#4.17)" (1998)
Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI.
Phoebe: Ugh. The name was my favorite part.
Rachel: Well, I came up with it.
Phoebe: You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks.
Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab".
Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good

Rachel: [after singing bow chicka wow wow] . What is that song? It's been in my head all day.
Chandler: It's the theme song to Good Will Humping.

"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder (#7.1)" (2000)
Joey: I can pass for 19, right?
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Seriously.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.
Joey: [gasps] I'm 30.
Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31.
Joey: Aw, crap.

Rachel: No one was supposed to see us kissing!
Monica: Oh, is that why you did it in the secret hallway where no one ever goes?

"Friends: The One with the Candy Hearts (#1.14)" (1995)
Rachel Green: Pete the Weeper? Remember? The guy who always used to cry when we had sex?
[mock crying]
Rachel Green: "Was it good for you?"
Monica Geller: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard the "I Win" guy.
[imitating Howard]
Monica Geller: "I win! I win!"
[normal voice]
Monica Geller: I went out with the guy for two months; I didn't get to win once.

Monica Geller: Hey, here's a picture of Scotty Jarrett naked.
Rachel Green: Oh, let us see!
[she and Phoebe look at the photo]
Rachel Green: Hey, he's wearing a sweater.
Monica Geller: No.
Rachel Green, Phoebe Buffay: EEWW!

"Friends: The One with the Metaphorical Tunnel (#3.4)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [on the phone] Hi Janice, hold on
[puts the phone to his chest]
Chandler Bing: what do I do?
Rachel Green: I don't know
Monica Geller: If we did, what you did, no man would ever call us again, act like you just woke up, be sleepy
Rachel Green: And grumpy
Chandler Bing: Stop naming dwarfs!

Joey Tribbiani: I've never been through the tunnel myself because the way I understand it, you can't go through it if you have more than one girl in the car but the way I see it, you face your fears same as anything else, you've got a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building, you've got a fear of bugs, get a bug, in your case you've got a fear of commitment so you go in there and be the most committed guy there was
Rachel Green: Amazingly that actually makes sense
Chandler Bing: Really?
Joey Tribbiani: Sure jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind
Chandler Bing: I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm going to be peeing every which way

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Dream (#9.19)" (2003)
Joey Tribbiani: [Practicing lines while talking to a pineapple] God, you're beautiful. Why are we fighting this?
[Rachel walks in]
Joey Tribbiani: You know you want it to happen as much as I do. I want you, I need you. Let me make love to you.
Rachel Green: I don't wanna stand in the way of true love or anything, but I think a cantaloupe might hurt less.

"Friends: The One with the Chick and the Duck (#3.21)" (1997)
Monica Geller: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
Rachel Green: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?

"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy (#1.15)" (1995)
Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?
Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.
[Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it]
Steve: Ah, cool! Taco shells! You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope
Monica: [She takes away the taco shells] You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.
Steve: Hey! Sugar-O's!
[He grabs the cereal box]
Monica: You know, if you just wait another six and a half minutes.
Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!
Monica: [She reaches for the box] No, we don't.
Steve: Oh, OK.
[he drops the box on the floor]
Steve: Oh, sorry.
[When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet]
Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here?
[he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him]
Monica: Okay. Give me the Gummi-bears.
Steve: No.
Monica: Give them to me.
Steve: Alright, we'll share.
Monica: No, give me the...
Steve: Well then you can't have any.
[she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table]
Steve: Man overboard! I think he's drowning.
[he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl]
Steve: Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O. Save yourself!

"Friends: The One with the Pediatrician (#9.3)" (2002)
Rachel Green: I wonder why Ross said tha he died?
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler Bing: He saw a therapist?
Monica Geller-Bing: Hmmm-mm. Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare. Just really freaked him out.
Rachel Green: Why? What was it?
Monica Geller-Bing: That I was going to eat him.

"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother (#10.9)" (2004)
Phoebe Buffay: So Joey's out with my friend the other night and she reaches over and takes some of his fries...
Rachel Green: Oh, no.
Phoebe Buffay: You know about the plate thing?
Rachel Green: Oh, yeah. Joey doesn't share food. I remember the other day it was breakfast and I had some grapes on my plate.
Phoebe Buffay: [to Joey] You wouldn't let her share a grape?
Rachel Green: Oh, no, not me. Emma.

"Friends: The One with the Male Nanny (#9.6)" (2002)
Rachel: I can't watch, it's like firing Elmo.

"Friends: The One with the Birth (#1.23)" (1995)
[about Ross' new baby]
Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits (#10.5)" (2003)
Amy Green: I got you a present for letting me stay with you. Ready? Ta-dah!
[Takes off Emma's hat and reveals her ears are pierced]
Rachel Green: You pierced her ears?
Amy Green: Doesn't it make her nose look smaller?

"Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice (#1.8)" (1994)
Rachel Green: [about Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual] When I first met you, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be.
Chandler Bing: You did?
Rachel Green: Yeah, but then you spent Pheobe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured mabye not.

"Friends: The One with the Fake Monica (#1.21)" (1995)
Rachel Greene: Marcel! Stop it, Marcel! Bad monkey!
Ross Geller: What?
Rachel Greene: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche (#6.5)" (1999)
Rachel Green: [to the judge] Do you see? Do you see what you're keeping me married to?
Judge: You need to get out of my chambers.
Rachel Green: All right, look lady, here is the deal: I came here for an annulment, and I am not leaving here until I get one!
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah!
Judge: Would you like to spend the night in jail?
Rachel Green: Thank you for your time.
[Rachel and Ross leave hurriedly]

"Friends: The One with Russ (#2.10)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: You actually don't see it?
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: Honey, you're dating Ross
Rachel Green: No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ
Phoebe Buffay: Russ is Ross. Russ, Ross
Rachel Green: Steve, Sleeve.

"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work (#9.11)" (2003)
Rachel: Who the hell are you?
Gavin Mitchell: Who the hell are you?
Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is.

"Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In (#5.7)" (1998)
Rachel: Well, what kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind.

"Friends: The One with All the Haste (#4.19)" (1998)
Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking] Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!

"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2000)
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding (#10.12)" (2004)
Phoebe Buffay: Hey Rach, where's Emma?
Rachel Green: Monica made me send her to my mother's. Apparently babies and weddings don't mix.
Monica Geller-Bing: Are you still crying about your damn baby?

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Book (#7.2)" (2000)
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word?

"Friends: The One with the Home Study (#10.7)" (2003)
Dr. Ross Geller: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and, besides, Emma loves them. You know what? You should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel Green: Ross, those things go like forty miles an hour! There's a moment when you're at the top when you just don't know if you're gonna retun back to earth!
Dr. Ross Geller: Space *is* filled with orbiting children...

"Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding (#2.11)" (1996)
Rachel: [about her mother] If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?

"Friends: The One on the Last Night (#6.6)" (1999)
[after Monica and Rachel are done packing]
Monica: OK, here's the last of your boxes. I'm just going to label it "What were you thinking?"
Rachel Green: Funny, I was going to go across the hall and write that on Chandler.

"Friends: The One Where No One Proposes (#9.1)" (2002)
Joey: The ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up, and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel Green: Yeah, but you said 'will you marry me'.
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didn't.
Rachel Green: Yes, you did! Oh, my god, you didn't.

"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Birthday Dinner (#9.5)" (2002)
[Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes]
Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet?
Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996.
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel... You Know (#2.15)" (1996)
Rachel Green: [Rachel & Ross are making out, & Rachel feels a wet spot] Oh! Oh, honey, that's OK!
Ross: Oh... you just rolled over the juice box!
Rachel Green: Oh, thank God!
[kisses him again]

"Friends: The One with the Girl from Poughkeepsie (#4.10)" (1997)
Phoebe Buffay: [finishing a song she wrote for her friends] Spin the dreidel, Rachel.
Rachel Green: That was nice, Phoebe, but Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
Phoebe Buffay: I know, it's hard, but nothing rhymes with your stupid name.

"Friends: The One with the Cop (#5.16)" (1999)
[Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead]
Ross: So, did you bring Joey?
Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing.
[Chandler walks in]
Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica.
Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

"Friends: The One with Ross's Tan (#10.3)" (2003)
Chandler: [Ross walks in with a really dark tan] Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
[holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white]
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? You go in the booth, you count to five...
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: [counts quickly] One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
Rachel: [after seeing Ross's tan] What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?

"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa (#9.10)" (2002)
[Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone]
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

"Friends: The One with the Secret Closet (#8.14)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel Green: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk (#2.2)" (1995)
Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, my God.
Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure!
Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress (#7.17)" (2001)
Rachel Green: Oh, don't get that here. Now that you know what you want, you should go to this discount store. This place is so overpriced.
Store Owner: I own this store.
Rachel Green: So, does this come in a different color or...

"Friends: The One with the Two Parties (#2.22)" (1996)
Dr. Ross Geller: How was your sister's graduation?
Rachel Green: It was the graduation ceremony from Hell.
Chandler Bing: You know, my cousin attended Hell on a football scholarship.

"Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus (#2.6)" (1995)
Rachel Green: Come on, Terry. I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
Terry: You don't clean the cappuccino machine?
Rachel Green: Yeah, I clean the cappuccino machine, but I will cleeeeean it. I will cleeeeeean it.

"Friends: The One in Massapequa (#8.18)" (2002)
Dr. Ross Geller: [after Rachel exaggerates their fake wedding] What are you doing?
Rachel Green: What? I'm not you. This may be the only wedding I ever have!

"Friends: The One with the Yeti (#5.6)" (1998)
Danny: Hi.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Danny: So you like the short hair better.
Rachel Green: Yeti - eh, Danny?

"Friends: The One with Ross's Library Book (#7.7)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Wow. I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here.
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a regular old flying dwarf.

"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS (#5.4)" (1998)
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right.

"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1 (#1.16)" (1995)
Chandler: So tell me something: is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?
Monica Geller: No. You see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's, but obviously,
[looks directly at Rachel]
Monica Geller: someone forgot.
Rachel Green: Well, *someone* was supposed to write, 'Rach, take down the lights,' and put it on the re...
[sees the note]
Rachel Green: frigera... how long has that been there?

"Friends: The One with the Lottery (#9.18)" (2003)
Monica Geller-Bing: [about Emma] How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel Green: Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler Bing: Kind of like Joey...

"Friends: The One with the Prom Video (#2.14)" (1996)
Rachel Green: There is no us
Ross: No but...
Rachel Green: No, listen to me I fell for you and I get clobbered you fell for me then somehow I get clobbered again. I am tired of being clobbered it's just not worth it
Ross: But we...
Rachel Green: No, "we" are never going to happen, accept that
Ross: [Misunderstanding her] except what?
Rachel Green: [Speaking slower and clearer] no, accept that.

"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries (#10.11)" (2004)
Rachel Green: No! Pheobe of course there is more, I mean I'll just talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pees.

"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2 (#9.24)" (2003)
Ross: [Ross's speech in Barbados, Rachel is laughing ] ... is thought to be separate species from homo erectus
Joey: Homo?
Rachel: [Still laughing ] Erectus.

"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 2 (#5.24)" (1999)
[after coming out of a Las Vegas chapel married and drunk]
Ross: Well *hello* Mrs. Ross
[throws confetti]
Rachel: Well *hello* Mr. Rachel
[throws confetti]

"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath (#8.13)" (2002)
Rachel Green: [discussing names for the baby] I was thinking, if it's girl: Sandrine. It's French.
Dr. Ross Geller: Huh. That's a really pretty name, for an industrial solvent.

"Friends: The One with the Butt (#1.6)" (1994)
Dr. Ross Geller: [Monica is trying to convince the gang that she can be irresponsible, random, and a "kook"] All right, you madcap gal, try to imagine this: the phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica Geller: Why not?
Dr. Ross Geller: Because you're a 'kook'! Instead, you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica Geller: [a little uncomfortable] I could do that.
Rachel Green: Okay, okay, you let me go grocery shopping...
Monica Geller: No problem!
Rachel Green: I'm not done yet.
Monica Geller: Oh.
Rachel Green: AND... I buy laundry detergent BUT... it's not the one with the easy-pour spout!
[she catches herself]
Monica Geller: One might wonder... but I would be fine with that.
Chandler Bing: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.
[Monica begins to squirm, and Chandler goes in for the kill]
Chandler Bing: Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica Geller: STOP IT! Oh, my god... it's true. Who am I?
Dr. Ross Geller: Monica... you're Mom.
Phoebe Buffay: [makes screeching violins from "Psycho" noises, wielding an imaginary knife]

"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break (#5.22)" (1999)
Monica: Open your eyes.
Rachel Green: They are.
[Rachel's eyes are closed]
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
Rachel Green: Four.
Monica: Oh, my God. I was thinking four.
Rachel Green: Really?
Monica: OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.
[Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops]
Monica: My pillow's all wet.
Rachel Green: Well, you said it was practice.
Monica: Then why did you move your head?
Rachel Green: Because I knew you were lying.

"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor (#1.22)" (1995)
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: [getting annoyed] I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.

"Friends: The One with the Fake Party (#4.16)" (1998)
Rachel: You're a pathetic loser, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant (#7.4)" (2000)
Rachel Green: From this point on, it's strictly professional.
[a secretary walks in]
Secretary: Hey, Rachel. Cute assistant. What is his story? Is he...
Rachel Green: Gay? Yeah.

"Friends: The One with the Jam (#3.3)" (1996)
Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.

"Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo (#7.10)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Remember how you told me how your grandmother put up that wall to make that into two bedrooms?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And remember how you always said you were afraid that the landlord would find out and then tear it down?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah...
Rachel Green: Do you really not know where I'm going with this?

"Friends: The One Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad (#6.21)" (2000)
Rachel Green: [to Paul during dinner] So it seemed that my prom date had stood me up, so Ross selflessly offered to take me.
Elizabeth Stevens: What a nice story.
Paul Stevens: So Ross was in college and decided to jump at the chance to take a young girl to her high school prom?
Rachel Green: I definitely did not see that one backfiring! I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Rachel] Yeah, you take your time.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Paul] just so you know, I was a freshman and she was a senior so it wasn't as bad as...
Paul Stevens: [to Ross] Look, I know I've been giving you a lot of jabs and it's partly that I'm very protective of my daughter and partly because they keep coming to me! But I have to admit, after all the wonderful things Elizabeth has told me, and after the many, many, many things Rachel has told me... well, I guess you're not all bad.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Feeling satisfied] I'm not all bad.
Paul Stevens: I'm sorry I was so harsh before but you have to understand I still look at Elizabeth like she's a twelve year old girl.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what? I do that too.
Paul Stevens: I beg your pardon?
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously] Oh no, I don't see her as a twelve year old girl. I have a son who's six and I still think of him as a baby.
Paul Stevens: You have a son?
Dr. Ross Geller: Yes, my ex-wife and I share custody of Ben and, just so you know, Carol and I are on excellent terms, as I'm sure you are with your wife.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Nervously, remembering Paul is a widower] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Paul Stevens: [as Rachel returns to the table] Don't worry about it, I didn't realize you were married.
Rachel Green: We were, but that was a big drunken mistake.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Sarcastically to Rachel ] Oh great, you're back?
Paul Stevens: [to Ross and Rachel] You two were married?
Rachel Green: [revealing Ross was married three times] Oh, whoops you were talking about Emily.
Dr. Ross Geller: [Shamefully slams his head on the table]

"Friends: The One with the Routine (#6.10)" (1999)
[Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents]
Phoebe: [finds a bag under the couch]
Phoebe: Oh! We have a large one!
Rachel: It's a Macy's bag!
Phoebe: [turns it over and an old shoe falls out]
Phoebe: Ooh! Who's it for?
Rachel: [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear losers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch? P.S. Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Phoebe: Uh oh. I think she may be on to us.

"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies (#7.13)" (2001)
Joey Tribbiani: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey Tribbiani: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel Green: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey Tribbiani: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel Green: Stevie the TV?

"Friends: The One with Ross and Monica's Cousin (#7.19)" (2001)
Rachel Green: What should we do for the theme?
Phoebe Buffay: Lusts of the Flesh!

"Friends: The One with the Nap Partners (#7.6)" (2000)
Rachel Green: Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's New Dress (#4.18)" (1998)
Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out.
Phoebe: Oh, no!
Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.

"Friends: The One with Rachel's Date (#8.5)" (2001)
Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel?
Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing.

"Friends: The One Where Dr. Ramoray Dies (#2.18)" (1996)
Phoebe Buffay: Okay, which one is she?
Rachel Green: That's Brad's widow.
Phoebe Buffay: And why is she so upset?
Rachel Green: Because she just found out she's cut out of the will.
Phoebe Buffay: Doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals and your ability to give and receive love?
Rachel Green: No.

"Friends: The One with the Soap Opera Party (#9.20)" (2003)
Rachel Green: You are having a party tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel Green: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you thing you were gonna get away with that?
Joey Tribbiani: I do it every year.
Rachel Green: You do it every year?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel Green: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys went for that one!

"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table (#6.11)" (2000)
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what I think?... She's weird. It's because she's a twin.
Rachel Green: Ross, she is not weird. She just likes her stuff to be one-of-a-kind.
Dr. Ross Geller: You know what's not one-of-a-kind? A twin!

"Friends: The One After Vegas (#6.1)" (1999)
Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Rachel: How about you, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.

"Friends: The One with the Joke (#6.12)" (2000)
Monica: [Rachel, Phoebe & Monica are looking at the Playboy of the Month]
Rachel: See now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, see, & she knows how to build a fire, I mean that's got to come in handy!
Monica: Hey I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: [looking at Monica and Phoebe] I don't know...
Monica: [looking at Phoebe and Rachel] Yeah, me either...
Phoebe: [looking at Rachel and Monica] Rachel.
Monica: [Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe] What?
Phoebe: I don't know... me neither
[Running off]

"Friends: The One After I Do (#8.1)" (2001)
Rachel Green: I can't. I can't look at it. Somebody else tell me please.
[Phoebe looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's negative.
Rachel Green: Oh. Well, there you go. Phew. That's great. That is really really great news. You know because the whole not being ready and financial aspects, all that stuff. This all just the way is supposed to be.
Monica Geller-Bing: [solemnly] Well, then great.
[Phoebe hands Rachel a tissue. Rachel starts crying]
Rachel Green: Thanks. God, this is so stupid. How can I be upset over something I never had.
Rachel Green: It's negative?
Phoebe Buffay: No, it's positive.
[Monica and Rachel are stunned]
Rachel Green: What?
Phoebe Buffay: It's not negative. It's positive.
Rachel Green: Are you sure?
Phoebe Buffay: Well, yeah. I lied before.
[Rachel looks at the pregnancy test]
Phoebe Buffay: Now you know how you really feel about it.
Rachel Green: Oh, that's a risky little game.
Monica Geller-Bing: Are you really going to do this?
Rachel Green: Yeah. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby. I'm going to have a baby!
[the three of them hug]
Phoebe Buffay: With who?
Rachel Green: Aw, it's still not the time.

"Friends: The One with the Tea Leaves (#8.17)" (2002)
Rachel Green: I thought Joey and I would be OK once we hung out but it's like we don't even know how to be with each other anymore.
Chandler Bing: I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
Rachel Green: How do you know that? What if it just gets worse and worse and worse to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?
Chandler Bing: I'm not great at the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?