Mr. Timothy O'Neill
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Quotes for
Mr. Timothy O'Neill (Character)
from "Daria" (1997)

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"Daria: Murder, She Snored (#4.4)" (2000)
Brittany Taylor: Kevvy, what's that A doing on your paper?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Why Brittany, that's the most intelligent question you've asked all year.
Brittany Taylor: Thanks!

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Forgive me my SUSPICIONS, but it's obvious that SOMEONE, Kevin, got a hold of the test BEFOREHAND, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMIED LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria Morgendorffer: But who does he really suspect?
Jane Lane: That Jimmy guy?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [to Kevin] Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
Kevin Thompson: But I don't know anything!
Daria Morgendorffer: Can't accuse him of lying there.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Ms. Morgendorffer, where were you Monday afternoon?
Daria Morgendorffer: After watching frustrated faculty members squander yet another day trying to teach the unteachable, I went home and studied so I won't wind up in a job that combines the stress level of a neurosurgeon with the pay scale of a video clerk.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Your transparent attempt to derail my line of questioning with sarcasm has been noted.


"Daria: Arts 'n' Crass (#2.1)" (1998)
Mr O'Neill: So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of the poster, I just want to make it more palatable. You know what they say: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."
Jane: Not if you're diabetic.

Jane: What does this have to do with our poster?
Mr O'Neill: It changes a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starved herself into it; she's pretty because she takes care of herself! It's even more powerful than before, because it's upbeat!
Jane: I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might.
Daria: Don't do that. It's downbeat.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of your poster, I just want to make it more "palatable'. You know what they say, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down".
Jane Lane: Not if you're diabetic.


"Daria: Esteemsters (#1.1)" (1997)
[Discussing Manifest Destiny and the Mexican War in history class]
Mr. DeMartino: Kevin, do you know what war was fought over Manifest Destiny?
Kevin: Umm... the Vietnam War?
Mr. DeMartino: That came a little later, Kevin. About a hundred YEARS later. A lot of people died in that war, Kevin. I think we OWE IT TO THEM to at LEAST get the CENTURY right.

[after Daria and Jane pass succesfully the self-esteem class, Mr. O'Neill congratulates them at the school assembly]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please, join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to...
[Mr. O'Neill reads the names from a ticket, since he fails to remember faces]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: ...Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane.
[meager applause]
Jane: [shrugs] Oh, what the hell.
[Jane and Daria approach Mr. O'Neill and take their certificates. Jane steps up to podium, intending to turn the whole foolish event into a joke]
Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem.
[Jane smirks at Daria, then launches into her act]
Jane: [wears sad expression] On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something...
[Daria smiles. The audience starts tittering]
Jane: I... uh... I want to go home!
[Jane pretends to burst into tears, and runs off stage. The audience bursts out laughing]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Daria, wait!
[Mr. O'Neill runs after Jane. Daria steps up to podium]

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer-pressure, chanting, and social-isolation to achieve control over its members?
Brittany Taylor: Cheerleading?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Ah, Britney, sometimes despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.


"Daria: Lucky Strike (#5.6)" (2001)
[Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li are both disheveled from a long teachers' strike negotiations]
Ms. Angela Li: Don't think you can intimiate... intermolate... don't think you can scare me with your threat to picket naked!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: You think I'm bluffing? This is Goodwill polyester I've been sweating in all night. I WANT to picket naked!
Ms. Angela Li: All right! A two percent raise and a space heater for the teacher's lounge.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [tugs on collar] Boy! It's getting hot in here!

[the teachers are on strike]
Teachers: [chanting] We need a lot more money! This really isn't funny! You don't pay us enough to buy honey!
Mrs. Diane Bennett: I don't know... this chant...
Ms. Janet Barch: It sucks!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Hey! I threw out the rhyme about the bunny!

[Mr. O'Neill has finished his song about the strike]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [singing] You call this compensation? You keep your long vacation! You're forcing us to salary arbitration! Mama said strike you out! Yeah!


"Daria: The Daria Hunter (#2.2)" (1998)
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.
Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Now, the object of the game is to shoot to kill.
Daria: Excuse me. Isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Whatever. Move out!

Ms. Janet Barch: [Ms. Barch is repeatedly firing paintballs at an attacked Mr. DeMartino] I trusted you, dammit! Two decades of legal slavery, and still you throw it all away for a halter top and a pair of pumps!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Madam, I believe you've got me confused with someone else! I'm not your ex-husband!
Ms. Janet Barch: I know that, but he's not here!


Daria in 'Is It Fall Yet?' (2000) (TV)
Mr. DeMartino: Why couldn't I have been born during an influenza epidemic? Or at the base of a volcano? Why did I survive, grow tall and strong, only to squander all my potential by becoming a teacher?
Daria Morgendorffer: ...When he would've made such a wonderful motivational speaker.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Now remember, the P-STATs are a good "dry run" for your college boards. If you got 1,200 points or better, kudos! You'll have a wide and exciting choice of colleges. And for those with less, uh, robust scores, there are still wonderful opportunities in the food services sector.


"Daria: The F Word (#4.5)" (2000)
Jodie Abigail Landon: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have the summer off.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Excellent. And see, you learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
Jodie Abigail Landon: No, I learned that my parents would rather I drop dead from exhaustion than miss the opportunity to shred some bribe-taking congressman's incriminating phone bills.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [about the outcome of the assignment he set for his students to fail at something] How about you Kevin?
Kevin Thompson: I'm a crappy athlete. They threw me off the team.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: So you... succeeded at your assignment.
Kevin Thompson: Succeeded? I lost the game!
Jane Lane: Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on.


"Daria: Cafe Disaffecto (#1.4)" (1997)
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality!
Daria: You mean... the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Jodie, about that word, "community." Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercafé? To jack us into the global community? I think what's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, Jane?
Jane: No.


"Daria: The Misery Chick (#1.13)" (1997)
Mr. O'Neill: You probably think about the dark side all the time.
Daria: The... dark side? Are we talking about "The Force"?

Mr. O'Neill: "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." Just what is Lord Tennyson talking about? Brittany?
Brittany: Um, love?
Mr. O'Neill: Anyone else? Daria?
Daria: Well, he's acknowledging that if something makes you feel good, like being in love, there must be a corresponding painful side, like losing a love, and that it's just a fact of life.
Mr. O'Neill: Sad, but true.
Daria: And what's intriguing about it is that no one calls Tennyson a big unhappiness freak just because he understands that.
Mr. O'Neill: Is he a big unhappiness freak?
Daria: No, he's a realist. He says, "Emotional involvement brings pleasure and extraordinary pain." Then he declares that it's better than feeling nothing at all.
Mr. O'Neill: That is excellent, Daria.
Daria: Of course, this was before the advent of community property laws.


"Daria: The Lost Girls (#3.6)" (1999)
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: We won, Daria. We won!
[hugs Daria]
Daria Morgendorffer: Lawsuit.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Sorry!
[lets go]


"Daria: Monster (#2.6)" (1998)
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [Mr. O'Neill is driving his car with Daria and Jane in back seat] Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane?
Jane: I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: What about you, Daria?
Daria: Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!
Daria: Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.


"Daria: Antisocial Climbers (#4.2)" (2000)
Jane Lane: Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: As much as I appreciate your KIND, if FOOLhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too DANGERous out there! Once you walk out those doors, you may NOT be coming back!
Daria: Okay. Then we're all on the same page.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Very well, but dress for survival.
Daria: Well, I was gonna dress for perishing, but okay.


"Daria: Mart of Darkness (#4.9)" (2000)
[after a fight over a cheese log sample]
Mrs. Johansen: You'll pay for this.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: I'm a teacher! *Try* to collect!
[laughs maniacally]


"Daria: Groped by an Angel (#4.11)" (2000)
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: All right, why did the soothsayer tell Caesar to beware the Ides of March? Who wants to take a stab?
[he laughs at his pun, the class doesn't]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Kevin?
Kevin Thompson: Uh, because the Ides were going to do something mean to him?
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: The Ides aren't people, they're a time of the month.
Kevin Thompson: Ewww, gross! Well, there's your answer!


"Daria: The Big House (#1.10)" (1997)
Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?
Daria: Are you kidding?
Jane Lane: We'll take two.
Daria: What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You weren't here last year, Daria.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy] Argh!
[clutches chest and collapses to floor]
Randy: Rock and roll, foreva!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Help... me... !
[Flashback ends]
Jodie Abigail Landon: Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.
Jane Lane: But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [Cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups] Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred! Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.
[cut ends]
Daria: What are you saying?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?
Daria: I'm in.


"Daria: Fair Enough (#2.10)" (1998)
Mr. O'Neill: Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War and Peace so darned... unpleasant? Daria?
Daria: So no one would pester him to do a sequel?


"Daria: The Lawndale File (#3.11)" (1999)
Mr. O'Neill: Have you been watching "The X-Files"? I know I have.
Daria: And that's good.
Mr. O'Neill: But you know what's interesting?
Jane: Why do you encourage him?


"Daria: Just Add Water (#3.12)" (1999)
[the school is having a casino night]
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You're not one of those "Young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
Daria: Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota.
Mr. DeMartino: Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so...
Jane: Yes?
Mr. DeMartino: Angular.