Jane Lane
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Quotes for
Jane Lane (Character)
from "Daria" (1997)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Daria: Arts 'n' Crass (#2.1)" (1998)
Jane: You're a real Joan of Arc, you know that?
Daria: Yeah. And I think I just ordered a stake.

Mr O'Neill: So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of the poster, I just want to make it more palatable. You know what they say: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down."
Jane: Not if you're diabetic.

Daria: The systems failed us.
Jane: The system sucks. Were going to have to go outside the system.
Daria: You don't mean...
Jane: Yes.

Jane Lane: Can she do that?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, this is all a bad dream brought on by too much pene a la pesto.
Jane Lane: Do we have any recourse or anything? I mean, cant we talk to Mr. O'Neil
Daria Morgendorffer: We could appeal to him, and he might turn the full force of his overwhelming personality to Ms. Li, and then she'd eat him.
Jane Lane: Well, what about your mother?
Daria Morgendorffer: How about yours?
Jane Lane: My mother's a little preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the source of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. But your mother is a lawyer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, a mother that thinks it's a good idea for me to get involved in the poster contest...
[sighs]
Daria Morgendorffer: The systems failed us...
Jane Lane: The system sucks. We're going to have to go outside the system...
Daria Morgendorffer: You don't mean...
Jane Lane: Yes.

Ms. Angela Li: Did you really think you would ge away with this?
Jane: Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.

Trent Lane: All right, here's the plan. I'll sit right here with my foot on the accelerator, ready to burn rubber.
Jane: Trent, pull over there and make sure to turn off the car in case you fall asleep.
Trent Lane: Alternate plan. Cool.

Jane: What does this have to do with our poster?
Mr O'Neill: It changes a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starved herself into it; she's pretty because she takes care of herself! It's even more powerful than before, because it's upbeat!
Jane: I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might.
Daria: Don't do that. It's downbeat.

Daria: How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany?
Jane: Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only Skin Deep," and we attach the actual skin of a student?
Daria: Oh, I like that. I wonder if we can talk Quinn into donating hers?

Jane: You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And tell the truth about how much it can suck.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And you're going to help.
Daria: No.

Daria Morgendorffer: So then... Splat. Dinner ends up all over my dad's head.
Jane Lane: Wow, excellent, your youthful integrity is tearing your family asunder.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: So you see, girls, I don't want to change the intent of your poster, I just want to make it more "palatable'. You know what they say, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down".
Jane Lane: Not if you're diabetic.

Jodie Abigail Landon: What are you guys doing here?
Daria Morgendorffer: Observing.
Jane Lane: Innocently.
Jodie Abigail Landon: I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster... Wait a minute, what are you guys planning?
Daria Morgendorffer: Get lost, Landon.
Jane Lane: For your own good.
Daria Morgendorffer: You've got a bright future, kid.
Jane Lane: You don't wanna be here when what's gonna go down goes down.


"Daria: Quinn the Brain (#2.3)" (1998)
Daria: Only Quinn could turn having brains into a fad.
Jane: You know how fads are. Today it's brains, tomorrow, pierced tongues. Then the next day, pierced brains.

Quinn: Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.
Sandi: Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?
Quinn: And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?
Stacy Rowe: Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!
Daria: [Daria puts her head in her locker] Do me a favor.
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: Close my locker.

Quinn: So I wrote a stupid essay. What's everyone making such a big deal about?
Jane: Well you know, condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited. Ask Pavlov.
Quinn: The custodian?
Jane: Never mind. Return to your world and I'll return to mine.

Daria: You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
Quinn: What?
Jane: Brains Morgendorffer.
Quinn: Come on, because of one little essay?
Daria: It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
Quinn: Ew!
Jane: Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
Quinn: What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
Daria: Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Jane Lane: By the way, anything eating away at your soul?
Daria Morgendorffer: Her writing is BAD. Don't people know the difference between good and bad?
Jane Lane: She's cute, there are different standards for cute people.
Daria Morgendorffer: You mean no standards.

Jane Lane: Condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited, ask Pavlov.
Quinn Morgendorffer: The custodian?
Jane Lane: Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.

Daria Morgendorffer: The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?
Jane Lane: You're still a brain.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair; I can't compete.


Daria in 'Is It College Yet?' (2002) (TV)
[Daria and Jane discuss their college plans at Pizza King]
Jane Lane: What about you? Still thinking about
[in snooty voice]
Jane Lane: Bromwell?
Daria Morgendorffer: They don't really talk like that... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
Jane Lane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Jane Lane: You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

[On Jane's plans to go to an art college after graduation]
Trent Lane: I don't really think you're a sell-out.
Jane Lane: Well, that's not exactly an apology, but you know what they say about beggars.
Trent Lane: That they'll only spend it on booze?
Jane Lane: Never mind.

Jane Lane: Behold, Daria. The group dynamic you crave so much.
Daria Morgendorffer: I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad form.

Trent Lane: Um, why do you want to go to art college? You're already an artist.
Jane Lane: I know, but I want to be a starving artist so I need to ring up more debt.

[last lines]
Jane Lane: To college! I can't wait! What do you think we'll find when we get there?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hmm... That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared soley to the pursuit of funding?
Jane Lane: Hmmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah?
Jane Lane: I take it back.

Jane Lane: [about Tom] He said he looked up to you?
Daria Morgendorffer: Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird.
Jane Lane: No... I guess I could see where people would value your opinion and take what you say very seriously.
Daria Morgendorffer: Really? Where can I meet these people?
Jane Lane: Well, I kind of take what you say seriously.
Daria Morgendorffer: What's in that cup?
Jane Lane: That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in.
Daria Morgendorffer: [smiles] Jane Lane! What did you say?
Jane Lane: You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more parties.


Daria in 'Is It Fall Yet?' (2000) (TV)
Alison: Why go to an artist's colony if you're not going to mingle with your fellow artists?
Jane Lane: That's like saying 'why go to a PENAL colony if you're not gonna mingle with your - ' I think I'll stop there.

Jane Lane: Uh-oh, don't look now but it's 'Toulouse Lau-dreck'.

Jane Lane: Daria!
Daria Morgendorffer: How are things going?
Jane Lane: Fine! Fine! Fine! Couldn't be better!
Daria Morgendorffer: Sucks, huh?
Jane Lane: Only in a mind numbingly pretentious way.

Jane Lane: Some day the curators will look back on these and say they're from my 'art colonies suck' period.
Daria Morgendorffer: [sceptical] "Curators"?
Jane Lane: Criminologists?

Jane Lane: The guys here are a lot better looking in person than on their wanted posters.

Jane Lane: Any kid who looks to you for nurturing is more than just lost.

Daria Morgendorffer: You didn't make any friends at that art colony, did you?
Jane Lane: Nope. Well, except this one girl... until she got fresh.
Daria Morgendorffer: [shocked] You're not kidding.


"Daria: Jake of Hearts (#3.9)" (1999)
Radio DJ on Loudspeaker: Hey everyone, are you ready to rave?
Jane: What the hell was that? An Ice Cream Truck?
Daria: If it is, it better be some damn good Ice Cream.

[In the Lawndale H.S. parking lot]
Bing(Radio DJ): [in ref. to Upchuck] Okay, Charles. The first girl out here in our audience to agree to a date with you is going to get a free "Mental In The Morning" bumper sticker.
Spatula Man(Radio DJ's Partner): What do you say, ladies?
[Crowd of girls boo and go "eew"]
Jane: A date for a bumper sticker?
Jodie: Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation.
Daria: Imagine how the bumper sticker must feel.

Daria: Between Dad and the party van, life's become a living hell at home and at school.
Jane: Don't worry, the van will move on soon. Or be destroyed in a mysterious bombing, I have decided yet.
Daria: There's no place left for me to hide.
Jane: Well, you could always dive into a wooded thicket.
[Daria stares at her]
Jane: Hey, it works for bunnies.

Jane: So Grandma Morgendorffer just left?
Daria: She realized she was causing more harm than good.
Jane: Did you help her in her realization?
Daria: I may have had a hand in her epiphany.
Jane: I hope you washed it thoroughly.

Jane: Why Daria, are you becoming an optimist?
Daria: Hmmm, I dunno. Hold up your glass.
[she does]
Daria: Nope, still half empty.

Ms. Angela Li: Whoo-hoo!
[Daria and Jane shriek]
Ms. Angela Li: This is so exciting! Imagine, real-life celebrities broadcasting all week live from Lawndale High.
Daria: They're not celebrities.
Jane: They're deejays.
Ms. Angela Li: Wacky deejays! And their hilarious antics will soon silence those naysayers who would have us believe that Lawndale High is a place of gloom.
Jane: Of course, getting rid of the hidden cameras and the bomb-sniffing dogs would accomplish the same goal.
Ms. Angela Li: You girls should be thanking me for caring so much about student morale.
Daria: I don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee from the radio station for participating in this stunt?
Ms. Angela Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat!
[Exits]

[after Jake's heart attack]
Daria Morgendorffer: So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers.
Jane: Is this the grandmother who said she'd give you 100 bucks if you changed your hair?
Daria Morgendorffer: Both my grandmothers said that.


"Daria: The F Word (#4.5)" (2000)
Jane Lane: [halfheartedly, trying out for the cheerleading squad] Cheer, cheer, cheer. Yell, yell, yell. Who cares who wins? We're all goin' to Hell.

Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, where's your evil twin?
Jane Lane: The aliens finished their experiments, and let me return in her place.
Daria Morgendorffer: How was the probe?
Jane Lane: Less intrusive this time.

Jane Lane: So, what are you gonna fail at, giving a damn?
Daria Morgendorffer: I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.
Jane Lane: Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.

Daria Morgendorffer: I just picked what I'm gonna fail at; getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
Jane Lane: Excellent.
Daria Morgendorffer: This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn IS grounded, I still win.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [about the outcome of the assignment he set for his students to fail at something] How about you Kevin?
Kevin Thompson: I'm a crappy athlete. They threw me off the team.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: So you... succeeded at your assignment.
Kevin Thompson: Succeeded? I lost the game!
Jane Lane: Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on.

[Tom sees Jane dressed "conventionally"]
Jane Lane: Hey, fly-boy.
Tom Sloane: Is that a teddy-bear backpack?
Jane Lane: Uh-huh. Do you wanna test out my new lip gloss? It's kiwi flavored.
Tom Sloane: Well, I guess if I kissed you at least my eyes would be closed.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria and Jane enter class to see Britney crying hysterically] Let me guess; a teen movie star choked on his gum.
Jane Lane: That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy-straws again.


"Daria: Lane Miserables (#3.8)" (1999)
Amanda Lane: You know Jane, if you try to hold a butterfly in your hand, it will die. You must set it free and let it fly. If it comes back to you it was, truly yours. And if it doesn't, it never was.
Jane: What if we tear off its precious little wings?

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Jane jogs past Helen, who is power-walking] Jane!
Jane: Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Didn't see you there.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's okay. Speed-walkers have thick skins. Jane, since you're staying with us and all, I thought... well, you're Daria's best friend, and she's, she's so hard to talk to these days...
Jane: Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Agreed. Drugs?
Jane: Nope, unless you count TV.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Depressed?
Jane: No, just realistic.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Sex?
[Jane just looks at her]
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Jake Morgendorffer: Say, uh, Jane... I know you're Daria's best friend and... well, she's so hard to talk to these days. I was wondering...
Jane: Maximum of three questions. No betrayals. Immunity from prosecution. And, uh, talk your wife into finding a new speed-walking route.
Jake Morgendorffer: Done! Age?
Jane: 17.
Jake Morgendorffer: Uh... height?
Jane: Five foot two.
Jake Morgendorffer: Favorite color?
Jane, Jake Morgendorffer: Black.
Jake Morgendorffer: Oh, that's too obvious. Can I have another one?

Trent Lane: Umm... there were some phone messages I almost forgot about.
[Refers to writing on hand]
Trent Lane: Let's see... Penny's coming in from Costa Rica. Some kind of problem with a volcano, and dad's finished taking pictures of Celtic rock formations. He's on his way back to print.
Jane: What's that written on your other hand?
Trent Lane: ..."Change name of Mystic Spyral to Something Something Explosion."

Wind Lane: Hey, do I smell cookies baking?
Jane: Not bloody likely.
Amanda Lane: The kiln!

Jane: [Daria opens the door to see Jane with a suitcase and a paint easel] I'm not picky. The manger will be fine.

Trent Lane: I'm sorry I broke the rules. We don't really have any rules at our house, right Janey?
Jane: Well, there's that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don't have fire places.
Trent Lane: You know, I once lived in a tent in the yard for 6 months, waiting for someone to invite me back in the house...


"Daria: Road Worrier (#1.11)" (1997)
Jane: Why do I get so much fun out of this?
Daria: Past life as a barnacle.

[Daria and Jane are listening to Trent play in the basement]
Daria: Isn't that two guitars?
Jane: Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral.
Daria: Mystik Spiral?
Jane: Trent's band.
Daria: Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs.
Jane: Heh, they wish!

Jesse Moreno: Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano.
Jane: Who?
Trent: He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa.
Jesse Moreno: You'd never catch me at a job like that.
Daria: [Thinking to herself] Because it falls under the category of employment.
Trent: Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.
Daria: [Thinking to herself] Still living over your parents' garage?
Jane: [Loudly whispering] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.
Jesse Moreno: We've got a vision.
Trent: Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.
Jesse Moreno: Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.
Trent: No way.
Jane: 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying.
[pause]
Jane: Well someone had to pick up the slack!

Daria: Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Jane: Well, you're not your usually sunny self.
Daria: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
Jane: And all in front of Trent.
Daria: Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go on to Alternapalooza; tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.
Jane: Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.
Daria: [sighs] Okay.
Jane: Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt?
[Daria glares at Jane]
Jane: Kidding! It looks alternative.

Trent: [Daria. returning from peeing in the bushes. climbs into the van and sits] Cool, Daria?
Daria: Yeah. I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille.
Trent: [cars begin slowly moving] Hey, looks like the traffic is letting up.
Daria: [to Jane] They're... not going to make fun of me?
Jane: For peeing in the woods? They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
Jesse Moreno: [to Trent] That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

Daria Morgendorffer: Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Jane Lane: Well, you're not your usual sunny self.
Daria Morgendorffer: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
Jane Lane: And all in front of Trent.
Daria Morgendorffer: ...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.


"Daria: The Lawndale File (#3.11)" (1999)
Jane: Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You're getting paranoid.
Daria: I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.

[agents are looking for "different" people]
Jane: Different, huh? What do you think I'll get if I turn you in?
Daria: More quality time with Brittany and Kevin.
Jane: Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.

Mr. O'Neill: Have you been watching "The X-Files"? I know I have.
Daria: And that's good.
Mr. O'Neill: But you know what's interesting?
Jane: Why do you encourage him?

Jane: A lot of weirdness around here lately.
Daria: Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.
Jane: You say that every day.
Daria: Oh, yeah.

Jane: Did we just see a U.F.O.?
Daria: You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.
Jane: But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.
Daria: Come on. This is Lawndale.
Jane: Oh, yeah.

Jane: So you convinced your dad you're not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.


"Daria: The Invitation (#1.2)" (1997)
Jane: Would you say sleeping with the guitar in your hands is practicing?
Trent: As long as you don't drop it.

Jane: Ready to go?
Daria: I was ready to go before we got here.

[leaving a Party]
Quinn: It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic?
Jane: I think you mean ironic.
Daria: She was right the first time.

Daria: If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway.
Jane: [Takes Daria's glasses and puts them on] "Hi. I'm Daria. Go to hell."
[Takes them off]
Jane: It won't work; my face is too expressive.

Jane: So, have fun?
Daria: Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

[Daria is going through Jane's sketchbook]
Daria: These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.
Jane: Yeah, last summer.
Daria: You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.
Jane: Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.


"Daria: A Tree Grows in Lawndale (#4.3)" (2000)
Jane: Daria, you're going to hell.
Daria: Any place that's better than Lawndale.

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie: You know, you aren't supposed to ride those things without a helmet.
Kevin: Hey, I don't follow rules. I'm rebellent.
Daria: Did he say "repellent?"
Jane: Seems like he should have, doesn't it?

Daria Morgendorffer: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
[Jane grabs Daria's notepad]
Jane Lane: "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
Daria Morgendorffer: It's a work in progress.

Kevin: What's saving lives if there's no one to make out with?
Daria: I believe Gandhi asked that same question.
Jane: It's why he had to be eliminated.

Jane: Daria, maybe we should go inside before lightning strikes you dead and bits of you mess up my nice shoes.

Daria: So my sister's scouting out new zip-codes, my father's so mad he can only see the color red, and the other day when my mother was paying bills I caught her trying to smudge her return address labels. My home life's becoming intolerable.
Jane: BECOMING intolerable?
Daria: [Silence] ... Is there such a word as intolerabler?


"Daria: Jane's Addition (#3.13)" (1999)
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey.
Jane Lane: Hey.
Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Those really good friends of mine - they totally blew me off. I figured you guys might be here.
Jane Lane: Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute.
Daria Morgendorffer: Wanna borrow my stopwatch?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so.
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, bye now.
Jane Lane: Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What movie?
Daria Morgendorffer: It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Men and Boys Vomit."
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and watch TV by myself.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: You like convertibles?
Jane Lane: Sofas?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Cars.
Jane Lane: Why, you got one?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Umm... no. But the roof of my car IS rusting through.
Jane Lane: Almost the same thing.

Daria Morgendorffer: Is Trent up yet?
Jane Lane: I heard something stirring in his room. I'm hoping it wasn't a family of raccoons.

Jane Lane: Trent bought a mini-keyboard and a composing program, and he's been up like every night screwing around with it.
Daria Morgendorffer: Has he played you any of the music he's written?
Jane Lane: Who said anything about writing music? He sampled the toilet flushing and created an all plumbing version of "Oh Susana".

Jane Lane: Come on, Daria, Trent will love doing some computer music. It will satisfy the secret techno dance freak hiding beneath that cool, alternative exterior.


"Daria: Monster (#2.6)" (1998)
[Daria and Jane are working on a student film that's going nowhere]
Jane: Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it was brilliant.
Daria: Those people changed their minds after they got into the twelve step programs.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [Mr. O'Neill is driving his car with Daria and Jane in back seat] Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane?
Jane: I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: What about you, Daria?
Daria: Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!
Daria: Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Is that my movie? Can I see?
Daria: Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.
Jane: See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You understand.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything.
[short laugh]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars?" But then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do.
[Quinn leaves the room]
Daria: [Feeling guilty] Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah...

Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks for driving us here, Aaron.
Zachary: It's Zachary.
Quinn Morgendorffer: That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you could meet us after or something.
Zachary: But what will I do in the meantime?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.
Zachary: Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.
Daria: [to Jane, who is supposed to be recording Quinn but instead the facial products at the mall] Did you get that? I hope you got that.
Jane: Did you know pore refiner spelled backwards is renifer erop?
Daria: [Snatches the camera from Jane] Give me that!

Daria: [Daria is seated on her bed, reading from a script; the camera is on a tripod pointed at Jane] And then you open the window and say, "Life is a meaningless descent into the void." Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything."
Jane: Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? And a poodle! I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.
Daria: Actors...


"Daria: Antisocial Climbers (#4.2)" (2000)
[Walking lost in the mountains during a blizzard]
Jane Lane: I think this could really be it!
Daria: What are you talking about? Just keep walking, we'll find our way!
Jane Lane: I don't know, Daria! This is bad!
Daria: ...Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend!
Jane Lane: Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother!
Daria: [Awkward silence] ... I feel like we should say more!
Jane Lane: I know, that was kind of pathetic!
Daria: Umm... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child!
Jane Lane: I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&Ms... Better?
Daria: I've made my peace!

Jane Lane: So, this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip.
Daria: Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&Ms.
Jane Lane: Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?
Daria: Who?

Jane Lane: Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: As much as I appreciate your KIND, if FOOLhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too DANGERous out there! Once you walk out those doors, you may NOT be coming back!
Daria: Okay. Then we're all on the same page.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Very well, but dress for survival.
Daria: Well, I was gonna dress for perishing, but okay.

Daria: Let me make a quick assessment of our situation: We're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher.
Jane Lane: When you put it that way you make it sound bad.
Daria: Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field trip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void.

Daria: You know, if this storm doesn't let up it could take days for help to arrive.
Jane Lane: Well, when everybody gets hungry enough it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first.


"Daria: See Jane Run (#2.11)" (1998)
Jane: Am I missing something?
Ms. Morris: The team needs you, and you need the team... IF you don't want to be here taking math again this summer.
Jane: Gee, that almost sounds like blackmail. Fortunately, I can pull up my math grade on my own.
Ms. Morris: Then I'll flunk you.
Jane: Why don't I go to Ms. Li and expose this grade-changing arrangement?
Ms. Morris: She already knows.
Jane: Okay, then, back off or I'll tell the P.T.A.
Ms. Morris: They know, too.
Jane: Congress?
Ms. Morris: You're beaten, Lane.
Jane: How about if I call the three local TV stations and tell each one that the other two are running the story?
Ms. Morris: Damn.

Daria: Funny how all the drills for "Focus on Agility" month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym class.
Jane: Yes, and I don't intend to stand for it. They can have my squat-thrusts when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.
Daria: What?
Jane: I don't know.

Daria Morgendorffer: Alright, so I thought I was making a joke, but I was really humiliating you in front of this guy you like...
Jane Lane: [Interrupts] Appreciate.
Daria Morgendorffer: - This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive. So I'm an idiot and I'm sorry, okay?
Jane Lane: Not so fast; How do I know this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy to get back on my good side?
Daria Morgendorffer: Why does there have to be a difference?
Jane Lane: I accept.

Ms. Morris: Ladies. Why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class?
Jane Lane: We are exercising.
Daria Morgendorffer: We're exercising our right to abstain from cheerleader practice.
Ms. Morris: That's not cheerleading, it's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters, aren't you?
Jane Lane: We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that, I'm not supposed to say.
Ms. Morris: You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be different. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate, either. I taught her a thing or two about the American competitive spirit.
Jane Lane: You sure did. That's why she's spent the last ten years out of the country.


"Daria: The Teachings of Don Jake (#1.12)" (1997)
[Jane finds out the Morgendorffers are going camping]
Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I do envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

[Jane and Trent are on a plane on their way to a family reunion which they are not at all thrilled about]
Jane: Let's talk strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.
Trent Lane: Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.
Jane: Good plan. But, first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. Second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before *you* pass out, you'll decide it's time to be *honest* with everyone.
Trent Lane: Oh, yeah. Bad idea. Don't want to be honest with Aunt Ellie about her vacation pictures.
Jane: [grimacing in disgust] Or Cousin Jimmy about his modeling career.
Trent Lane: Or Aunt Bernice about her hats.
Jane: Who's Aunt Bernice?
Trent Lane: You know, from Middlebury? She wears those straw hats. Thinks they're country or something. They look like the kind they put on horses to keep the sun off their heads.
[Jane looks over to her left, at a scowling old woman sitting next to her, who happens to be Aunt Bernice - wearing a large straw hat like the ones Trent mentioned. Clearly she heard what Trent said about her]
Jane: You say she's from Middlebury?
Trent Lane: Yeah.
Jane: So, we'd be flying out of the same airport.
Trent Lane: Yeah, yeah, Janey. What's your point?
[Trent removes his sunglasses, and suddenly notices that Aunt Bernice is sitting near them, glaring at him]
Aunt Bernice: [sourly] Hello, Trent.
Trent Lane: [puts his sunglasses on] Um... hello, Aunt Bernice. I like your hat.
[Jane pats her forehead in an "ah, jeez" gesture. Aunt Bernice still looks annoyed]

Jane: Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?
Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I *do* envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.
Jane: Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.
Daria: Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.
Jane: They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart to fall for that trick.
Daria: I thought so.
Jane: So, they're sending me and Trent as their representatives.
Daria: You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look pretty good.
Jane: A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good.

Jane: [Daria and Jane are on the phone] Yo!
Daria: What are you doing home?
Jane: What are you?
Daria: My family went crazy from eating psychotropic berries, so we were evacuated from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped.
Jane: Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without any berries, so Trent and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my aunt's rental car and flew the hell out of there.
Daria: Oh. Well, anything else new?
Jane: Nah. You?
Daria: Nah.


"Daria: I Don't (#2.4)" (1998)
Jane Lane: [Daria is trying on bridesmaid dresses]
[In Southern accent]
Jane Lane: Oh Scarlett, you grow lovelier by the day!
Daria Morgendorffer: I will kill you. And bury your body in this dress.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Brittany and Jodie see Daria and Jane in the wedding dress store] Daria?
Brittany Taylor, Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here?
Jane Lane: Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.
Brittany Taylor: They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!
Daria Morgendorffer: A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.
Jodie Abigail Landon: It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.
Jane Lane: I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

Brittany Taylor: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yes, I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln before she went crazy.
Brittany Taylor: I didn't know she went crazy!
Jane Lane: Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.
Brittany Taylor: Wow...!
Jodie Abigail Landon: Come on, Brittany. Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
Brittany Taylor: You mean the bullet didn't kill him...?

Daria Morgendorffer: I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?
Jane Lane: They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.
Helen Morgendorffer: [On the front porch, Daria and Jane can hear Helen on the phone] Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.
Daria Morgendorffer: Ah, you'd better take a hike.
Jane Lane: Why?
Daria Morgendorffer: My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.
Jane Lane: Gotcha. Later, huh?
Daria Morgendorffer: That remains to be seen.


"Daria: Cafe Disaffecto (#1.4)" (1997)
Jane: Do you know CPR or anything?
Daria: I once gave the Heimlich maneuver to Quinn.
Jane: Did it work?
Daria: She wasn't choking.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Jodie, about that word, "community." Isn't that the whole idea of a cybercafé? To jack us into the global community? I think what's most disturbing about this crime is the symbolism involved. Don't you agree, Jane?
Jane: No.

Andrea: [Reading poetry at the coffeehouse] I'm here. But where are you? Sure, I see your body. Anybody home in that rotting bag of flesh?
Jane: [to Daria] See? You don't wanna do poetry for this crowd.

[Daria is trying to convince Jane to help her sell candy bars door to door]
Jane: No way, baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts?
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed-up tastes they have.
Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.


"Daria: This Year's Model (#1.6)" (1997)
Jane: No really, what are you doing here?
Trent: Y'know, I thought I'd check it out. Get used to being around fashion types.
Trent: [Jane stares at Trent] Y'know, for the future.
Jane: Trent, what are you talking about?
Trent: You know, models. Musician. Models. Musician!
[points at self]

Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead by age 25?
Ms. Angela Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless, while the rest of the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Angela Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Angela Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

Romonica: All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you're walking towards your car. You've spotted a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car!
Daria: And a smelly old corpse.
Jane: In a really bad outfit!

Claude: Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven.
Quinn: That's so sad!
Stacy Rowe: You really get the idea he's been there.
Jane: [Jane and Daria are in the audience watching from afar]
[laughs]
Jane: Kitty heaven?
Daria: How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?


"Daria: Esteemsters (#1.1)" (1997)
Jane: I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.

[after Daria and Jane pass succesfully the self-esteem class, Mr. O'Neill congratulates them at the school assembly]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please, join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to...
[Mr. O'Neill reads the names from a ticket, since he fails to remember faces]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: ...Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane.
[meager applause]
Jane: [shrugs] Oh, what the hell.
[Jane and Daria approach Mr. O'Neill and take their certificates. Jane steps up to podium, intending to turn the whole foolish event into a joke]
Jane: I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem.
[Jane smirks at Daria, then launches into her act]
Jane: [wears sad expression] On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something...
[Daria smiles. The audience starts tittering]
Jane: I... uh... I want to go home!
[Jane pretends to burst into tears, and runs off stage. The audience bursts out laughing]
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Daria, wait!
[Mr. O'Neill runs after Jane. Daria steps up to podium]

Daria: So what do they talk to the guys about?
Jane: Room full of guys and a male teacher.
Daria, Jane: Nocturnal emission.

Jane Lane: [about Mr. O'Neill] He doesn't know what it means, he's just memorised it.


"Daria: College Bored (#1.3)" (1997)
Jane: Can we get on with this? I have someplace to go.
[classmates look at her in disbelief]
Jane: Television counts as a place.

Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria: My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane: So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
Daria: I asked her that, and I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.

Jane: [Last lines] All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked.
Daria: Pretty much.
Jane: Does that mean *these* are the best years of our lives?
Daria: I hope not.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Ugh!
[Quinn throws her soda in the instructor's face]
Quinn Morgendorffer: I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!
Daria: But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.

Jane Lane: And the other thing is, who came up with the name tennis bracelet anyway. It sounds like some kind of sweatband if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive? " -Quinn


"Daria: Dye! Dye! My Darling (#4.13)" (2000)
Trent Lane: Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.
Jane Lane: Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.
Trent Lane: Maybe it is.
Jane Lane: So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?
Trent Lane: I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?
Jane Lane: [smiles] Idiot.

Daria Morgendorffer: So... what happens now?
Jane Lane: I was hoping you knew.
Daria Morgendorffer: Are we still friends?
[Jane doesn't answer]
Daria Morgendorffer: Are we?
Jane Lane: Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.
Daria Morgendorffer: Temporarily, right?
Jane Lane: I hope so, Daria.

Jane Lane: Maybe we'd better to talk about this later.
Daria Morgendorffer: There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional.
Jane Lane: Oh, well, in that case, I can just talk to myself about it.

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that.
Jane Lane: Who's arguing?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: We should have just broken up and I never should have dragged Daria into it.
Jane Lane: What do you mean, we should have just broken up?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Come on. We weren't going anywhere. We were about to break up.
Jane Lane: Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with her? I guess I gotta get a new best friend.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you talking about?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What am I going to do, tag along on your dates? Forget it. That's too weird for me.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Yeah. I don't know why we expected her to do it.
Jane Lane: You're going to have just a super time dating Daria. She loves to have fun.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I didn't say I was going to date her. I know how antisocial she is.
Jane Lane: Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you talking about? You want me to go out with her?
Jane Lane: Of course not. I mean, I don't know. Just... look. All that time... were you going out with me just to get to her?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Are you crazy?
Jane Lane: I don't know. Am I?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I really like you, Jane. You're smart and you're funny, you have a great attitude... you do everything on your own terms. You're, like, from a cooler world.
Jane Lane: I am, aren't I?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: You really are.
Jane Lane: Too bad you're such a dork.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I know.


"Daria: Depth Takes a Holiday (#3.4)" (1999)
Daria: Could they make the holidays any more vulgar?
Jane: I hope so.
Daria: What?
Jane: The more debased they become, the less reason there is to celebrate them. That means the less reason for my family to get together until presto I'm finally alone on Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.

Jane: Well, you lead an interesting life when I'm not around. Have you been drinking some out-of-season nog, perhaps?

Jane: [Walking into Holiday Island High] This is just like a highschool.
Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
St. Patrick's Day: It only seems like highschool... actually, it's much worse.
Jane: THAT'S what we'll be saying all our lives.


"Daria: Ill (#2.9)" (1998)
Daria Morgendorffer: Look, I'm sorry about last night.
Jane Lane: Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
Daria Morgendorffer: You're sure that wasn't her brain?
Jane Lane: No, there was too much of it.

Brittany Taylor: Jane?
Jane Lane: Brittany? What happened to your hair?
Brittany Taylor: Never mind that now. Have you seen...
[whispers]
Brittany Taylor: Daria?
Jane Lane: Why would you want... Daria?
Brittany Taylor: What makes you think I want her? I don't want her.
Jane Lane: You asked me if I'd seen her.
Brittany Taylor: She hasn't told you anything... interesting about me, has she?
Jane Lane: No one's ever told me anything interesting about you.
Brittany Taylor: That's a relief.
Jane Lane: Anyway, she'll be back in a day or two. She's in the hospital while they check out that ra... rare condition.
Brittany Taylor: Condition?
Jane Lane: Yeah, she's come down with a slight case of, um, brain fever. It's a thing that brains get.
Brittany Taylor: Wow, that sounds serious.
Jane Lane: No, no, usually if you just read a best-seller it'll go away. So, um, no need to mention it to anyone. I'll tell her you asked about her.
Brittany Taylor: Just ask her if she remembers our deal.
Jane Lane: What deal?
Jane Lane: What deal?
Jane Lane: The deal you just mentioned.
Brittany Taylor: I didn't say anything about a deal. Forget I said anything about a deal.
Jane Lane: Forget I said anything about a hospital.
Brittany Taylor: Okay!
Jane Lane: Hey! Now we have a deal.
Brittany Taylor: What deal?
Jane Lane: Later.

Brittany Taylor: [Brittany goes to visit Daria in the hospital] Daria?
Daria Morgendorffer: Brittany? What are you doing here?
Brittany Taylor: Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, but I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you doing that.
Jane Lane: We had a deal?


"Daria: Through a Lens Darkly (#3.2)" (1999)
[Daria bumps into someone she can't see, because she isn't wearing her glasses]
Upchuck: Ow.
Daria: Oh, uh, sorry, Upchuck.
Upchuck: Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need do is ask.
Daria: Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go.
[walks away]
Upchuck: You'll be back. They all come back.
Jane: Name two.
[walks away]
Upchuck: [pause] I could.

Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Going to work your way up to humans slowly?

Jane: So now what, eagle eye?
Daria: Well, I can't wear my contacts until I see the doctor again, that's for sure. And if I bang into anyone else at school I'll be arrested for assault. So I guess it's back to the glasses tomorrow.
Jane: Or we go downtown and apply for a seeing eye dog.
Daria: I tell you the truth, this whole thing's got me very confused. I want my glasses back.
Jane: Are you still hung up on that vanity thing?
Daria: That's not it. Everyone already knows I'm vain.
Jane: Oh, yeah, you're one huge narcissist. So if not that, then what?
Daria: This is kind of hard to explain. It's like, I know my glasses set me apart. When I look in the mirror without them I can't see a thing. But when I put them on and look in the mirror again, I think...
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: I think to myself, 'Never mind glasses. You can see things that other people can't. You can see better than other people. So to hell with them and what they think of you and your glasses.'
Jane: You're not talking about eyesight anymore, are you?
Daria: No.
Jane: And you like that Daria better than the Daria who cares about her looks.
Daria: Um, yeah.
Jane: I don't blame you. Why settle for vanity when you can have pure egotism? You're a twisted little cruller, ain't you?
Daria: Yeah.
Jane: That's why I'm proud to be your friend.


"Daria: Write Where It Hurts (#2.13)" (1998)
Jane: Hey, Daria, can I have your boots?
Daria: Yeah, turn around. I'll give you one right now.

Jane: Hey, Daria, can I read your story someday?
Daria: No, but you can read the one where you run off with Kevin.
Jane: WHAT?

Jane: Well, what's your definition of true?
Daria: Something that says something.
Jane: What, anything?
Daria: No, something, about something.
Jane: Let me get this straight, you're telling me that you want to write something, not just anything, that says something about something.
Daria: Right.
Jane: Gee, who'd ever believe you having trouble communicating.


"Daria: Malled (#1.5)" (1997)
Daria: It smells like... like...
Jane: Teen spirit?

Jane: I'd love to have hair like that woman who's molested by a kangaroo.
Daria: Really? She looked so... Everyday.
Jane: I mean after she was molested.

Daria: I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.
Mrs. Bennett: What are you talking about, Daria?
Daria: If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.
Mrs. Bennett: But you're in an enclosed space now.
Daria: Yes... and I'm really itchy?
Jane: These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss.
[the entire class acts revolted; Daria glares at Jane]
Jane: Just trying to help!


"Daria: Too Cute (#1.9)" (1997)
Jane: Well, come on! Where are they?
Daria: In here.
Jane: Oh Daria, dont be shy, show me your boobs.
[Picks up fake boob and looks at it]
Jane: Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting.

Daria: [on the phone] So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.
Jane: Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality?
Daria: Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane: Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery!

Daria Morgendorffer: So first she tells Quin that she can fix her up for 6,000 dollars.
Jane Lane: Miss pert-and-pretty? What could she possibly need for 6gs, other than a new personality?


"Daria: The Misery Chick (#1.13)" (1997)
Jane: I don't like it when I say people should die and then they do. I don't want that kind of responsibility. At least not until I've got a job in middle management.

[after meeting Tommy Sherman]
Jane: I don't think he likes you.
Daria: That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that jerk is going to be treated like a hero for the rest of this life.
Jane: Well, maybe he won't live that long.
Daria: Come on. You know wishes don't come true.
[a crash is heard off screen]
Kevin Thompson: [Off screen] Oh, my God! The goal post fell! Tommy Sherman's dead!
[Sobbing]
Kevin Thompson: He's dead!

Jane: When they say "you're always unhappy Daria", what they mean is: "You think Daria, I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died and its making me think and that hurts my little head and makes me stop smiling. So tell me how you cope with thinking all the time Daria until I can get back to my normal vegetable state".
Daria: Ok... so then why have you been why have you been avoiding me?
Jane: Cause I've been trying not to think.


"Daria: Gifted (#2.8)" (1998)
Quinn: And why do they call them tennis bracelets, anyway? It sounds like some sort of sweat band, if you ask me. I'd call them wrist ornaments, doesn't that sound festive?
Jane: Take... her... NOW.
Daria: This story I've gotta hear.

Jane: [Quinn is at Jane's doorstep] What are *you* doing here?
Quinn: Um, I need to use your phone.
Jane: What's wrong with your phone?
Quinn: Nothing. Can I spend the night?
Jane: Are you kidding?
Quinn: My mother says I can't stay home alone.
Jane: I won't say a word. I'll even spring for the keg, but you have to pay for the dry cleaning.
Quinn: It's too last-minute to throw a party.
Jane: Then just talk on the phone all night. Ask your friends, if they could be a nail polish, what color they would be and why.
Quinn: I'm sick of that game.
Jane: You're afraid to go home.
Quinn: I am not!
Jane: Sorry, no vacancies.
[tries to close door]
Quinn: [pushes door open against Jane] All right, I'm afraid! There's mass serial puppy killers and stuff. Come on. Please?
Jane: I'm going to regret this.
[Lets Quinn in]
Jane: Nevermind, I already do.

Quinn: I don't get abstract art. Who wants to look at a bunch of squiggly six-eyed people when you can get those really pretty cat paintings on the shopping network? Not that I would ever waste money on art.
Trent Lane: Hey, Janey. You got any money?
Quinn: Money? Are you going out? I wouldn't mind going out for a while. Of course, I don't know if I'd want to go out with someone dressed like that.
Trent Lane: Uh, who are you?
Jane: You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?
Trent Lane: Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.
Quinn: Excuse me, I have a name.
Trent Lane: Right. Daria's sister.


"Daria: Lucky Strike (#5.6)" (2001)
[Upchuck peeks through the keyhole of Ms. Li's door]
Upchuck: Ooh, I like what I'm seeing...
Jane: Ms. Li changing her support hose again?
Daria: That's another habit that'll lead to blindness, Upchuck.
Jane: But in this case, you'll wish for it.

Daria: A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.
Jane: You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
Daria: That's what I just said.

Ms. Angela Li: Students of Lawndale High.
Jane Lane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
Daria Morgendorffer: No. Satan's voice is lower, and he has an English accent.


"Daria: That Was Then, This Is Dumb (#2.5)" (1998)
Jane Lane: Why are you staring at my brother?
Daria Morgendorffer: Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.
Jane Lane: Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about 10 years he should emerge as a butterfly.

Trent Lane: Vinyl has a richer tone.
Jane Lane: You're tuned to the radio.
Trent Lane: I wondered why Zappa was selling fish sticks.


"Daria: The Old and the Beautiful (#3.3)" (1999)
Jane: Run down the list of causes you volunteer for again?
Daria: I protested that book burning last year.
Jane: You yelled at the TV screen.

Sandi Griffin: They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
Stacy Rowe: Right.
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Totally.
Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
Jane: Yes it does.
Daria: Very well, I'm sold.


"Daria: Mart of Darkness (#4.9)" (2000)
Jane Lane: [sneaks up to Andrea] Caught ya!
Daria Morgendorffer: [Andrea turns around] Andrea?
Andrea: Well, you found me... Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick who's parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else...
Daria Morgendorffer: ...I just want a shoelace.
Jane Lane: Besides, I don't think we can cut you up anymore than you just did.

Daria Morgendorffer: Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.
Jane Lane: Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!
Daria Morgendorffer: Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.
Jane Lane: Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue!
[pause]
Jane Lane: I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.


"Daria: The Big House (#1.10)" (1997)
Jane Lane: So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.
Daria: Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?
Daria: Are you kidding?
Jane Lane: We'll take two.
Daria: What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You weren't here last year, Daria.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy] Argh!
[clutches chest and collapses to floor]
Randy: Rock and roll, foreva!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Help... me... !
[Flashback ends]
Jodie Abigail Landon: Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.
Jane Lane: But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [Cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups] Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred! Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.
[cut ends]
Daria: What are you saying?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?
Daria: I'm in.


"Daria: Daria! (#3.1)" (1999)
Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
Daria: I'm sure they already are.

Brittany: Oh, my gosh! Look at the Jell-o!
Daria: It's... jiggling.
Jane: [to Brittany] Worried about the competition?


"Daria: The Story of 'D' (#5.5)" (2001)
[the three J's just bought a self-published fashion magazine from Quinn]
Joey: "An Ode to Aubergine?"
Jamie: "A Good Pluck?"
Jeffy: "Please Remember to Blush?"
Jane Lane: There must be a lot going on in the boys' room that we don't know about.
Daria Morgendorffer: And really, that's as it should be.

Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
[Kevin and Brittany approach them]
Daria Morgendorffer: Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Kevin Thompson: Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
Jane Lane: Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Brittany Taylor: Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
Daria Morgendorffer: How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.


"Daria: Just Add Water (#3.12)" (1999)
Jane: Hey, look Daria. The fog's rolling in.
Daria: Ew. That's not fog. That's methane.

[the school is having a casino night]
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You're not one of those "Young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
Daria: Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota.
Mr. DeMartino: Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so...
Jane: Yes?
Mr. DeMartino: Angular.


"Daria: The Lab Brat (#1.7)" (1997)
Brittany Taylor: If you think you're going to take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. Because he's my Kevin, and you're, you're a... a brain!
Daria Morgendorffer: You know, Brittany, that was actually a very astute observation about the likelihood of my dating your boyfriend.
Jane Lane: Or is it former boyfriend?


"Daria: Fire! (#4.12)" (2000)
Trent: Well, I have to go. Mystic Spiral has a practice at seven.
Jane: It's nine.
Trent: Oh... I'd better get going, then.


"Daria: Art Burn (#5.7)" (2001)
Jane: You'll figure out something. Use your womanly attributes.
Daria: Gotcha. I'll give birth.


"Daria: Murder, She Snored (#4.4)" (2000)
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Forgive me my SUSPICIONS, but it's obvious that SOMEONE, Kevin, got a hold of the test BEFOREHAND, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMIED LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria Morgendorffer: But who does he really suspect?
Jane Lane: That Jimmy guy?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [to Kevin] Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
Kevin Thompson: But I don't know anything!
Daria Morgendorffer: Can't accuse him of lying there.


"Daria: Pinch Sitter (#1.8)" (1997)
Jane: And the dish ran away with the spoon. But Hawaii was the only state that would recognize the marriage as legal.


"Daria: Groped by an Angel (#4.11)" (2000)
Daria: So now my once rational mother is telling me that I have to respect Quinn's beliefs.
Jane: Well I suppose the earth *could* be flat.


"Daria: Camp Fear (#5.4)" (2001)
Earl: Can I tempt you with a cookie? Me and my wife made them right back in the house, there.
Jane Lane: Two bucks apiece? There must be gold in that icing.
Earl: [Chuckles] Oh, no. It's not what you put into the cookies, it's what you put *into* the cookies. You know what I mean?
Jane Lane: Oh, sure. You're saying you have echolalia. Echolalia.


"Daria: Legends of the Mall (#4.10)" (2000)
[Jane finishing up the legend of the House of Bad Grades in Lawndale]
Jane: Scoff if you will, but every person who lived in that house ended up working at the local burger place. What do you say to that?
Daria: Scoff.


"Daria: Fair Enough (#2.10)" (1998)
[a hysterically sobbing Stacy is forced onto their Ferris Wheel car]
Daria: Wait, you can't do this.
Jane Lane: We're human beings, damn it!


"Daria: Pierce Me (#2.12)" (1998)
Daria: I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.
Jane Lane: You *didn't* take the ring out...?
Daria: Just for the night! I couldn't stand the itching.
Jane Lane: I've heard of fast healers, but this is ridiculous.
Daria: Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my naval while I slept.
Jane Lane: Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.


"Daria: Boxing Daria (#5.13)" (2001)
Daria: [Giving the freshmen a tour of Lawndale High] Now, over here is the lunch room. As middle school veterans, you already know that this is the center for spit balls, laughing milk up through your nose and food poisoning of every variety.
Jane: Who here wants to slip me a 20 to point out the popular tables so you can start fighting for a seat now?
[Silence]
Daria: Okay. Let's move on to hell and purgatory, also known as the gym and locker rooms.
Jane: Where, for 20 bucks, I'll show you which showers haven't been peed in... to my knowledge.
[Shocked silence]
Daria: My friend is just kidding you, of course; they've all been peed in.


"Daria: Of Human Bonding (#4.7)" (2000)
Jane: Hmm. I sense a worrisome teen conspiracy afoot.