Daria Morgendorffer
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Quotes for
Daria Morgendorffer (Character)
from "Daria" (1997)

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Daria in 'Is It Fall Yet?' (2000) (TV)
David Sorenson: Hi, I'm David Sorenson! Are you Quinn?
Daria Morgendorffer: I don't know, is this the ninth circle of hell?
David Sorenson: "The Divine Comedy."
Daria Morgendorffer: Wait, you know that? OK, who are you and what do want with Quinn?
David Sorenson: I'm here to tutor her.
Daria Morgendorffer: Seriously.

Mr. DeMartino: Why couldn't I have been born during an influenza epidemic? Or at the base of a volcano? Why did I survive, grow tall and strong, only to squander all my potential by becoming a teacher?
Daria Morgendorffer: ...When he would've made such a wonderful motivational speaker.

Daria Morgendorffer: Trent... does it ever bother you that the speedometer is stuck at ten miles per hour?
Trent: Hmm... ten. That reminds me; time for dinner.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria, I'm serious, I'm not going to let you sit around the house all summer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Fine, I'll LIE around the house all summer.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria, you need to be more tolerant. You know what they say, 'judge and be judged'.
Daria Morgendorffer: And I judge myself unfit for human contact.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: That's exactly what you *will* be if you don't learn to interact with the rest of us. You keep hiding your real face behind that anti-social mask, and one day that mask will be your face. I'm not going to let that happen. You're working at that camp.

Daria Morgendorffer: I have something to tell you two. Tom's not my brother.
Kevin Thompson: A-ha!
Daria Morgendorffer: He is the mad scientist who built me. He has to hang around in case my internal organs fall out.

Daria Morgendorffer: Um, will you excuse us for a while? We'll be back after man walks on the sun.

Daria Morgendorffer: [after talking to her sister] That's it. Must... contact... intelligent... life...

Jane Lane: Daria!
Daria Morgendorffer: How are things going?
Jane Lane: Fine! Fine! Fine! Couldn't be better!
Daria Morgendorffer: Sucks, huh?
Jane Lane: Only in a mind numbingly pretentious way.

Jane Lane: Some day the curators will look back on these and say they're from my 'art colonies suck' period.
Daria Morgendorffer: [sceptical] "Curators"?
Jane Lane: Criminologists?

Quinn Morgendorffer: So David was right. I *am* superficial.
Daria Morgendorffer: At least you know your strengths.
[notices the sad look on Quinn's face]
Daria Morgendorffer: He really called you that?
Quinn Morgendorffer: He said he only dates girls with "depth."
Daria Morgendorffer: How did it even come up?
[Quinn doesn't answer]
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh, boy. You asked *him* out?
[Quinn starts crying]
Daria Morgendorffer: Quinn, you're... um... not as superficial as you act. I'm sure you just feel obliged to stress the moronic aspects of your personality so you'll fit in better with the fashion drones. Like a mask you wear 'cause you think they wouldn't like the real you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: You mean sort of the way you keep people away by being really unfriendly and stuff?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hey, we're talking about you here.

Trent: [singing] Betryal, yeah, stabbed in the back. Betrayal, yeah, I'm stretched on the rack. Betryal, yeah, thrown outa the... thrown outa the...
Daria Morgendorffer: Pack?
Trent: [singing] thrown outa the pack. Betrayal, betrayal. Yeah, betrayal, betrayal, yeah...

Daria Morgendorffer: I'm sorry, but the confidentiality agreement I signed with the Government prevents me revealing that. I've already said too much.

Daria Morgendorffer: Does this college town have a name or do you just turn left at the kid with the tractor?

Daria Morgendorffer: Life sucks no matter where you are so don't be fooled by location changes.

Link: How can you stand this place?
Daria Morgendorffer: Um, 'cause I'm one of the guards instead of the prisoners?

Daria Morgendorffer: You didn't make any friends at that art colony, did you?
Jane Lane: Nope. Well, except this one girl... until she got fresh.
Daria Morgendorffer: [shocked] You're not kidding.


"Daria: The Invitation (#1.2)" (1997)
Ms. Claire Defoe: Good work, Daria. Your cube is BURSTING out of the picture plane. You've really created the illusion of depth.
Daria: I'm thinking of going into politics.

[In the cafeteria]
Brittany: Thanks for helping me earlier in art. May be there's something I could teach you.
Daria: Well, you could show me how to twirl hair around my little finger and look vacant.
[Twirling hair around her finger]
Brittany: I don't know if that's something you can teach.

Jane: Ready to go?
Daria: I was ready to go before we got here.

[Daria and Quinn are walking to school]
Quinn: Stop following me. You're following me.
Daria: Quinn, we go to the same school.

Daria: I've overcome with emotion.
Brittany: Need a napkin?

Brittany: Hey, even though I'm much more popular, we have some things in common.
Daria: Breathing?

Party Guy 1: Hey. Partying hard or hardly partying?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hardly interested.
Party Guy 2: So... where you girls been all our lives?
Daria Morgendorffer: Waiting here for you. We were born in this room, we grew up in this room, and we thought we would die here... alone. But now you've arrived, and our lives can truly begin.
Party Guy 2: [to Guy 1] She likes you!

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I think it's great that you two are going to be spending time together. Dad and I would be happy to drive you to the party and pick you up.
Daria, Quinn: NO!

[leaving a Party]
Quinn: It was kind of... what's that thing, when stuff turns out funny? Moronic?
Jane: I think you mean ironic.
Daria: She was right the first time.

Daria: If you want to go, just make believe you're me. When you're popular, all unpopular people look alike anyway.
Jane: [Takes Daria's glasses and puts them on] "Hi. I'm Daria. Go to hell."
[Takes them off]
Jane: It won't work; my face is too expressive.

Quinn: Tell Daria she can't go to Brittany's party. My popularity is at stake.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Now, don't begrudge your sister a chance to expand her circle of friends.
Quinn: Maybe now she'll have two.
Daria: Touché, Quinn.
Quinn: And don't think you're confusing me with that French! You should ground her! Because... her room is a mess!
Daria: If I go down for that one, I'm taking you with me.
Quinn: Wait, here's something worse! I asked her to do my homework for me, and she made me pay!
[Jake and Helen turn and stare at Quinn]
Quinn: ... Nevermind.

Jeffy: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your books?
Joey: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your... pencil?
Jamie White: Hey, Quinn, can I carry your, uh, um... got anything else?
Quinn: A hair scrunchie?
Jamie White: Great!
Daria: Careful. Don't hurt yourself with that scrunchie.

Daria: [in the living room, Daria leans against the wall as other kids dance] It's the Soul Train. Beep beep! Get on board!

Jane: So, have fun?
Daria: Well, I didn't talk to a whole bunch of new people, I made Quinn want to throw herself down a well, and I'm going home with a bonus sock. All in all, a great night.

[Daria is going through Jane's sketchbook]
Daria: These are really good. I didn't know you studied life drawing.
Jane: Yeah, last summer.
Daria: You're really bursting out of the picture plane here.
Jane: Oh, yeah. That particular model was quite bursty. I think she had her bursts done.


"Daria: Quinn the Brain (#2.3)" (1998)
Daria: Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.

Quinn: Thanks a lot! You're making me do my own homework!
Daria: That IS a scary thought.

Daria: Mom, if you're going to reminisce, I'll be forced to call Social Services.

Daria: Only Quinn could turn having brains into a fad.
Jane: You know how fads are. Today it's brains, tomorrow, pierced tongues. Then the next day, pierced brains.

Quinn: Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.
Sandi: Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?
Quinn: And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?
Stacy Rowe: Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!
Daria: [Daria puts her head in her locker] Do me a favor.
Jane: Yeah?
Daria: Close my locker.

Jeffy: [reading Quinn's poem] The greasy fry / It cannot lie / Its truth is written / On your thighs.
Joey: Wow. That's amazing.
Jamie: Genius.
Quinn: I know.
[Daria and Jane overhear the commotion]
Daria: Hold it, I think I feel a poem coming on.
[belches]
Daria: Sorry, false alarm.

[Daria sees Quinn dressed in all black]
Daria: Did a mime crawl in here and die?
Quinn: I'm putting together an outfit. For your information, this is how deep people dress.
Daria: Yeah, deeply affected people.

Daria: For your purposes, "existential" means pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the Street Fair.

Quinn: Does this black match?
Daria: Matches my mood.

Daria: You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
Quinn: What?
Jane: Brains Morgendorffer.
Quinn: Come on, because of one little essay?
Daria: It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
[Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
Quinn: Ew!
Jane: Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
Quinn: What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
Daria: Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Talking to Jane about Mr. O'Neill's suggesting that Quinn tutor Daria on her writing] I should've said I don't need tutoring to write like her, just some big crayons.

Jane Lane: By the way, anything eating away at your soul?
Daria Morgendorffer: Her writing is BAD. Don't people know the difference between good and bad?
Jane Lane: She's cute, there are different standards for cute people.
Daria Morgendorffer: You mean no standards.

Daria Morgendorffer: The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?
Jane Lane: You're still a brain.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair; I can't compete.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
Helen Morgendorffer: Now, Quinn, I really think...
Jake Morgendorffer: [Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks, dad.
Daria Morgendorffer: Wait, isn't that a double standard?
Jake Morgendorffer: Huh?
Daria Morgendorffer: You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
Jake Morgendorffer: Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
Daria Morgendorffer: But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
Helen Morgendorffer: Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
Jake Morgendorffer: I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Hey!
Jake Morgendorffer: And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
Daria Morgendorffer: But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
Jake Morgendorffer: ...
[Tosses his wallet to Helen]
Jake Morgendorffer: Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!


"Daria: Road Worrier (#1.11)" (1997)
Trent: We're thinking of changing our name. Do you think if we spelled Mystik Spiral with two y's it would be better?
Daria: [thinking] And if I spelled my name D-a-r-y-a I'd be crowned Miss America.

Daria: [Daria, offscreen, is trying to pee while in the bushes] Quit watching me, you squirrel pervert.

Trent: Daria, do you ever feel like you are wasting your life?
Daria: Only when I'm awake.

Jane: Why do I get so much fun out of this?
Daria: Past life as a barnacle.

Quinn: Can I have 29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!
Daria: Good idea. You don't need any more holes in your head.

Helen: [Quinn, at the dinner table, is showing her temporary tattoo] Quinn, what is that thing on your arm?
Quinn: Don't worry, mom! It's fake.
Daria: Aww, you got a tattoo to match your personality.

Quinn: Hey, Mom, did you go to any festivals back in the sixties?
Helen: Oh, sure. I did my share of partying.
Daria: You mean you experimented with...
Helen: No!

[Daria and Jane are listening to Trent play in the basement]
Daria: Isn't that two guitars?
Jane: Yeah. The other one's Jesse. He plays rhythm in Mystik Spiral.
Daria: Mystik Spiral?
Jane: Trent's band.
Daria: Sounds like one of those Doors cover bands that play brew pubs.
Jane: Heh, they wish!

Helen: Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade.
Quinn: Woodstock?
Jake Morgendorffer: Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it.
Daria: Wasn't Altamont free?
Jake Morgendorffer: That's the same line they tried to use on me.

Jesse Moreno: Oh, man. That was Curtis Stalano.
Jane: Who?
Trent: He graduated with us. Now he's working in a toll booth. Whoa.
Jesse Moreno: You'd never catch me at a job like that.
Daria: [Thinking to herself] Because it falls under the category of employment.
Trent: Hey man, we're artists. Who knows where we'll be in five years.
Daria: [Thinking to herself] Still living over your parents' garage?
Jane: [Loudly whispering] Say it, Daria. Whatever you're thinking, say it. If you don't, they'll go on like this for hours.
Jesse Moreno: We've got a vision.
Trent: Eyes on the prize, man. Eyes on the prize.
Jesse Moreno: Yeah, and this guy's not about selling out.
Trent: No way.
Jane: 'Cause for that to happen, you'd need someone interested in buying.
[pause]
Jane: Well someone had to pick up the slack!

Daria: Can you rig that glue gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Jane: Well, you're not your usually sunny self.
Daria: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
Jane: And all in front of Trent.
Daria: Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there. You go on to Alternapalooza; tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.
Jane: Daria, if there's one thing I know about my brother is that he's oblivious. There's no need to be self-conscious.
Daria: [sighs] Okay.
Jane: Now what are you gonna do about that stain on your butt?
[Daria glares at Jane]
Jane: Kidding! It looks alternative.

Trent: [Daria. returning from peeing in the bushes. climbs into the van and sits] Cool, Daria?
Daria: Yeah. I'm ready for my abuse, Mr. DeMille.
Trent: [cars begin slowly moving] Hey, looks like the traffic is letting up.
Daria: [to Jane] They're... not going to make fun of me?
Jane: For peeing in the woods? They're in a band, Daria. Those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
Jesse Moreno: [to Trent] That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.

Quinn: Can I have $29.95 for a removable nose ring? No piercing required!
Daria Morgendorffer: Good idea, you don't need any MORE holes in your head.

Daria Morgendorffer: Can you rig that glue-gun of yours to shoot bullets? I'm ready to end my suffering.
Jane Lane: Well, you're not your usual sunny self.
Daria Morgendorffer: I've got a bump on my head, a bug bite on my arm, a sandwich on my ass...
Jane Lane: And all in front of Trent.
Daria Morgendorffer: ...Now turn the knife counterclockwise. I can't go back out there; you go on to Alternapalooza. Tomorrow, I'll emerge and begin my new life as a waitress.


"Daria: I Don't (#2.4)" (1998)
Daria Morgendorffer: Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.

Jane Lane: [Daria is trying on bridesmaid dresses]
[In Southern accent]
Jane Lane: Oh Scarlett, you grow lovelier by the day!
Daria Morgendorffer: I will kill you. And bury your body in this dress.

Daria Morgendorffer: [the Morgendorffers are approaching the wedding hotel] Redrum! Redrum!

Aunt Amy Barksdale: Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.
Daria Morgendorffer: You feel out of place?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their radar?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, but I just figured you were above all that. I mean, you're kind of...
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Cool?
Daria Morgendorffer: Um...
Aunt Amy Barksdale: I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the teenagers.
Daria Morgendorffer: Thank you for respecting it.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: When I was a kid, with Helen and Rita going at it all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the color commentary. Then, one day, I found myself all grown up with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S. Ever.
Daria Morgendorffer: So it actually worked out pretty well.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Unless I have to see my sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sarcasm. It's a great way to deal.
[puts on round glasses similar to Daria's]
Aunt Amy Barksdale: But, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
Daria Morgendorffer: [smirks] Nah.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Brittany and Jodie see Daria and Jane in the wedding dress store] Daria?
Brittany Taylor, Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here?
Jane Lane: Isn't is obvious? An Arab sheik's in town to buy a few more wives.
Brittany Taylor: They're putting on a bridal expo in the gym. We're modeling!
Daria Morgendorffer: A bridal expo? That's a good message to send to high school students.
Jodie Abigail Landon: It's a fundraiser for extracurricular activities.
Jane Lane: I wonder what kind of extracurricular activities would lead to a wedding...

Brittany Taylor: What about you? Are you in a play or something?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yes, I'm playing Mrs. Lincoln before she went crazy.
Brittany Taylor: I didn't know she went crazy!
Jane Lane: Oh, yeah. That's why Lincoln shot himself.
Brittany Taylor: Wow...!
Jodie Abigail Landon: Come on, Brittany. Let's finish out fitting, and I'll tell you all about how nice Mr. Lincoln really died.
Brittany Taylor: You mean the bullet didn't kill him...?

Daria Morgendorffer: I don't think you've thought this through. What do you do with the hostages one you get to the airport?
Jane Lane: They're coming with me. We're talking party plane. All the way to Libya.
Helen Morgendorffer: [On the front porch, Daria and Jane can hear Helen on the phone] Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.
Daria Morgendorffer: Ah, you'd better take a hike.
Jane Lane: Why?
Daria Morgendorffer: My mom's talking to my Aunt Rita. This isn't going to be pretty.
Jane Lane: Gotcha. Later, huh?
Daria Morgendorffer: That remains to be seen.

Aunt Amy Barksdale: [Amy is giving her car keys to the valet] I don't mind a few dents, but change the radio station and you're a dead man.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Amy, how delightful. I thought you weren't coming.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside years of bitterness and resentment, then so can I... for a day.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Oh, Amy, why do you say such ridiculous things?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Out loud? So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows remarkable fortitude. And Roger. How's the skydiving going?
Helen Morgendorffer: Amy, Roger passed away. This is Paul.
Aunt Rita Barksdale: Oh. Sorry Paul. How do you do?
Paul: Who's Roger?
Quinn Morgendorffer: He fell onto a cow.
Paul: Ick!
Daria Morgendorffer: And he was one of the lucky ones.
Helen Morgendorffer: Girls!
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Hey, what's the point of a senseless tragedy if you can't find a little humor in it? I like the way you think, Daria.
[Daria smiles]

Aunt Amy Barksdale: I suppose you want to ask me what your mother was like as a child.
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay. What was she?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: A tightly wound pain in the ass.
Daria Morgendorffer: New topic?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: You name it.

Erin's Bridesmaid: You must be Erin's cousins.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I am, but Daria's her...
[speaks quietly]
Quinn Morgendorffer: cousin.
Erin's Bridesmaid: What?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Never mind.
Daria Morgendorffer: Actually, I'm in the witness protection program. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was exterminated by the mob.

Daria Morgendorffer: I'm an exotic dancer. You know, at a club. I take my clothes off and dance in front of strange men.
Luhrman: She's really very good.


"Daria: College Bored (#1.3)" (1997)
Kevin: [the whole class has been given a personality test] Hey, Daria. What's the answer to the first question?
Daria: You mean the one on who I really am? Try "cross-dresser."
Kevin: Thanks, D.

Professor: [Daria is daydreaming about her future college life] Daria, I know it's only the first week of freshmen year, but I wonder if you'd consider transferring to the graduate school.
Daria: I'm not really sure I want to be a professional student.
Professor: But I don't want you to study. I want you to teach.
Daria: Well...
Professor: Not here, of course. On our Paris campus.
Daria: Oh! Okay.
Professor: Superb! Now I can use your dorm room to carry on affairs with some of the more beautiful undergraduates. Thank you!
Daria: How come, even in my fantasies, everyone's a jerk?

Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
Daria: My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
Jane: So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
Daria: I asked her that, and I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.

Daria: One more time: I am *not* taking a college prep course! Actually, I may just skip college and stay home. It'll save me the trouble of moving back in later.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Jake swerves into traffic in response, barely avoiding another car before straightening out] Watch the road! Daria, if you don't get into a decent school your life will be ruined. End of discussion.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Way to go, Mom! She can't get her way all the time.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Actually, Quinn, it wouldn't hurt if you took the course too.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait a minute!
Daria: Maybe we can sit together!

Daria: Okay, look, I'm not going to rewrite this paper for you, but I will give you a couple of tips that will help you rewrite it. First, the book title "Sons and Lovers" does not have an apostrophe in it... anywhere. Second, unless your ex-boyfriend is an authority on D.H. Lawrence, don't base your thesis on something he said while making out.
College student: What about something he said when we broke up?
Daria: ...no.

Daria: Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money.
Quinn Morgendorffer: You left out the best part.
Daria: Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options.
Jake Morgendorffer: Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie.
Daria: There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip.
Jake Morgendorffer: What trip?
Quinn Morgendorffer: We have to visit a college of our choosing.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Great! We'll go to Middleton!
Jake Morgendorffer: We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps.
Quinn Morgendorffer: We're walking? Ugh!
Daria: [to Helen] Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.

Jake Morgendorffer: [Daria walks in the living room and sees the rest of her family seated] Hey, Daria! Come on in!
Daria: Uh... what happened?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Nothing - only somebody in this family turned out to be college material.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won.
Jake Morgendorffer: I'm so proud of you, honey.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think?
Daria: Uh, did you guys read this letter?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes, and it says right there that she's in.
Daria: And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, but offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester."
Quinn Morgendorffer: That's even better than we thought, right, Dad?
Jake Morgendorffer: [Snatches letter from Daria] Give me that!

Jane: [Last lines] All in all, then, the whole college experience kind of sucked.
Daria: Pretty much.
Jane: Does that mean *these* are the best years of our lives?
Daria: I hope not.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Ugh!
[Quinn throws her soda in the instructor's face]
Quinn Morgendorffer: I should have known Daria was right about that making-out scholarship!
Daria: But you've gotta admit, there are some pretty choice moments.

Quinn Morgendorffer: [the car the Morgendorffers are in runs over road kill] Daddy!
Jake Morgendorffer: It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others.
Quinn Morgendorffer: How do you know?
Daria: You didn't hear any screaming, did you?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
Daria: What about unpopular animals?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Unpopular animals don't count.
Daria: What about the stupid ones?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon.
Daria: Hooray.
Jake Morgendorffer: It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona.
Daria: Ramona's three.

Heather: [a deliveryman drops off a paper for Heather] My psych term paper. Finally. Nobody respects deadlines anymore.
Daria: [Daria reads the paper] Uh, you paid somebody to write this for you?
Heather: It was a collaboration. My part was to say how long it should be and when it was due.
Daria: But the first paragraph doesn't even make sense. How much did you pay for this?
Heather: Fifty bucks.
Daria: I can fix this for you for ten bucks.
Heather: Really? Great.
Roommate 1: Wow. You know anything about the English Civil War?
Roommate 2: How about Renaissance painting?
Daria: What I don't know, I can fake. But cash only. I don't take checks from college students.


"Daria: Jake of Hearts (#3.9)" (1999)
Radio DJ on Loudspeaker: Hey everyone, are you ready to rave?
Jane: What the hell was that? An Ice Cream Truck?
Daria: If it is, it better be some damn good Ice Cream.

[In the Lawndale H.S. parking lot]
Bing(Radio DJ): [in ref. to Upchuck] Okay, Charles. The first girl out here in our audience to agree to a date with you is going to get a free "Mental In The Morning" bumper sticker.
Spatula Man(Radio DJ's Partner): What do you say, ladies?
[Crowd of girls boo and go "eew"]
Jane: A date for a bumper sticker?
Jodie: Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation.
Daria: Imagine how the bumper sticker must feel.

[Quinn is practising to be a surgeon by playing Operation]
Quinn: Darn it! I thought this surgery thing would be a lot easier.
Daria: Don't worry. When you operate on real people, their noses don't light up.

Daria: [phone rings] Hello? No Quinn is busy right now studying... stu-dy-ing... no this isn't a prank call, you called *me*.

Daria: Between Dad and the party van, life's become a living hell at home and at school.
Jane: Don't worry, the van will move on soon. Or be destroyed in a mysterious bombing, I have decided yet.
Daria: There's no place left for me to hide.
Jane: Well, you could always dive into a wooded thicket.
[Daria stares at her]
Jane: Hey, it works for bunnies.

Jane: So Grandma Morgendorffer just left?
Daria: She realized she was causing more harm than good.
Jane: Did you help her in her realization?
Daria: I may have had a hand in her epiphany.
Jane: I hope you washed it thoroughly.

Jane: Why Daria, are you becoming an optimist?
Daria: Hmmm, I dunno. Hold up your glass.
[she does]
Daria: Nope, still half empty.

Ms. Angela Li: Whoo-hoo!
[Daria and Jane shriek]
Ms. Angela Li: This is so exciting! Imagine, real-life celebrities broadcasting all week live from Lawndale High.
Daria: They're not celebrities.
Jane: They're deejays.
Ms. Angela Li: Wacky deejays! And their hilarious antics will soon silence those naysayers who would have us believe that Lawndale High is a place of gloom.
Jane: Of course, getting rid of the hidden cameras and the bomb-sniffing dogs would accomplish the same goal.
Ms. Angela Li: You girls should be thanking me for caring so much about student morale.
Daria: I don't suppose the school would be receiving a large fee from the radio station for participating in this stunt?
Ms. Angela Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, those bomb-sniffing dogs have to eat!
[Exits]

Quinn: [Daria walks in on Quinn reading a book on heart surgery] Ugh! This is SO frustrating! Daria, have you ever read this book?
Daria: "Thrombocytopenic Complications After Stent Placement Post-Coronary Artery Angioplasty." Maybe you should start off with something easier; many coloring books feature hearts - and rainbows.

Daria Morgendorffer: A few days ago, my father had a heart attack, forcing me to admit his mortality to myself for the first time. Accepting this grim new knowledge has been especially difficult as I've been under constant yammering assault by two utterly brainless and talentless so-called radio personalities. And so, for these reasons, I, Daria Morgendorfer, am mental in the morning.


"Daria: Too Cute (#1.9)" (1997)
Jane: Well, come on! Where are they?
Daria: In here.
Jane: Oh Daria, dont be shy, show me your boobs.
[Picks up fake boob and looks at it]
Jane: Hmm. Why did I think this would be more interesting.

Dr. Shar: It puts a frown on my face, and I don't like having a frown on my face.
Daria: Maybe you could inject collagen into your lips in the shape of a smile

Daria: [on the phone] So, first she tells Quinn that she can fix her up for six thousand dollars.
Jane: Miss Pert 'N Pretty? What can she possibly need for six G's, other than a new personality?
Daria: Wait, there's more. Then she announces for twenty grand, she can fix me. Which means she can make me look like Quinn.
Jane: Sheesh, what would you want to look like that loser for? She needs six thousand dollars' worth of plastic surgery!

Quinn: I'm a mess, and it'll cost six thousand dollars to fix.
Daria: You're not really going to take that woman seriously, are you? She earns her living making people feel bad about their looks.
Quinn: You're just mad because she figured you out. Dr. Shar is really smart about people.
Daria: [Daria opens the box Dr. Shar gave her] Oh, yeah, she's got my number, all right. "Dr. Shar's Pre-Implant Temporary Bust Augmentations: For evaluational purposes only." She knew just what I needed:
[Lifts object out of box]
Daria: Practice boobs.

Helen: What was wrong with Brooke's old nose?
Quinn: It wasn't cute. It had, like, an extra bone in it.
Daria: Hey, it's almost time for dessert. Can we discuss liposuction now?

Daria: Listen, Quinn...
Quinn: You know, maybe I should get boobs. I bet if I got some boobs on credit, I can get the rest of the money in no time.
Daria: Quinn...
Quinn: Or maybe Dr. Shar will give me a part time job sweeping up fat or something.
Daria: Quinn...
Quinn: I mean, I like being attractive and popular. It's, like, me, okay? So if Dr. Shar makes everyone else attractive and popular, then I'll have to be even more attractive just to keep up, and then if they, like, go back her to catch up to me, then I'll have to go back, and pretty soon it'll be like one of those vicious things! Where will it end Daria? Where will it end?
Daria: You don't need surgery, Quinn. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, and I'll deny I every said it, but there's nothing wrong with you... physically. You've got the kind of looks that make other girls mentally ill. So stop it. You don't need any plastic surgery. You're perfect.
Quinn: Why do I even bother talking to you?

Daria: Can I see what she'd look like with eyebrow ridges and a large, sloping forehead?
Dr. Shar: Alright, funny gal! Your turn.
Daria: No. Thank you!
Dr. Shar: Nothing to be afraid of.
Daria: I'm not afraid.
Dr. Shar: It'll be fun!
Daria: I don't like fun!

Helen: I just don't like the idea of you girls talking about cosmetic surgery. Maybe when you're older, and you're doing it for yourself, or there's a sound professional reason for it. I mean, you need to be presentable. Yes, it's a double standard, but women in business are judged on their looks, and there's no getting around that. But breast implants? I just don't know.
Quinn: Right.
Helen: I mean, when a woman is elected president, it won't be because she got breast implants.
Daria: At least she'll have her people deny it.

Quinn: [Quinn is looking into her mirror and pushing the tip of her nose up with a finger; she does this several times, with Daria looking on from the doorway, before we hear a loud "snap"] Ow!
Daria: Wanna borrow my stapler?
Quinn: Ugh!
[Quinn stomps over and slams the door in Daria's face]

Daria Morgendorffer: So first she tells Quin that she can fix her up for 6,000 dollars.
Jane Lane: Miss pert-and-pretty? What could she possibly need for 6gs, other than a new personality?


"Daria: The Teachings of Don Jake (#1.12)" (1997)
[Jane finds out the Morgendorffers are going camping]
Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I do envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

Daria: We're out in the middle of nowhere, nobody knows we're here, we have no way to contact anyone, and our parents have gone insane.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Yes.
Daria: This is really scary, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: But why did they go insane?
Daria: Knowing Dad and his excellent woodland skills, I'd say it was the berries. Except...
Quinn Morgendorffer: It couldn't have been the berries.
Daria: That's what I think, because you ate the berries, too, and you seem okay.
Quinn Morgendorffer: No, I meant because those weren't the glitter berries.
Daria: Glitter berries?
[Quinn's pupils are now revealed to be dilated]
Quinn Morgendorffer: You know, the glitter berries! The ones that fill your mouth with beautiful sparkling glitter when you bite into them. *Those* are the ones that make you act weird. I mean, until you spread your shimmering wings and fly away.
Daria: Uh-oh.

Daria: [telling campfire stories at night] So the witch tore Hansel's arm off, popped it in her mouth, said, "Hey, pretty good," and within minutes had devoured the rest of his body, leaving only the lower intestine for fear of bacteria.
[view switches to a close-up of Daria's face, the campfire illuminated in her glasses]
Daria: Gretel she decided she wanted to hold onto for a while, so she crammed her into the freezer the best she could.
[Quinn, Jake and Helen look nauseous and horrified]

Daria: Dammit! It's my turn to say Dammit!

[Daria and Quinn are in their tent. Only their eyes can be seen]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Daria?
Daria: Yes, Quinn?
Quinn Morgendorffer: Do you feel weird sharing a tent?
Daria: As long as it's with you and not a bear, I guess I'm okay with it.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember when we were little and we shared a room?
Daria: Yes, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I hated that.
Daria: So did I.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's fun to reminisce, isn't it?
Daria: You bet.

Jane: Let me get this straight. You, Jake, Helen, and Princess Grace are going camping? Like in the woods camping?
Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I *do* envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain, and you'll have to be destroyed.
Jane: Do you know where I'll be this weekend? The Lane family reunion. Dozens of Lanes from all over the country converging in one Midwestern split-level to remind themselves why they scattered in the first place.
Daria: Wow. I didn't think your parents would be caught dead at something like that.
Jane: They wouldn't. We're the black sheep of the clan. We're only invited because hating us brings them all closer together. My parents are much too smart to fall for that trick.
Daria: I thought so.
Jane: So, they're sending me and Trent as their representatives.
Daria: You know, a weekend in the woods is starting to look pretty good.
Jane: A weekend on the world's tallest pile of seagull droppings is starting to look pretty good.

Jane: [Daria and Jane are on the phone] Yo!
Daria: What are you doing home?
Jane: What are you?
Daria: My family went crazy from eating psychotropic berries, so we were evacuated from the woods and they had their stomachs pumped.
Jane: Wow, that's cool. My family was already crazy without any berries, so Trent and I evacuated ourselves to the airport in my aunt's rental car and flew the hell out of there.
Daria: Oh. Well, anything else new?
Jane: Nah. You?
Daria: Nah.

Daria: Okay. Remain calm. Family's gone mad. Must get them back to civilization, but no way to contact civilization because Mother made big deal about cutting off all communications. What to do?
[Helen's cell phone rings in her backpack]
Daria: Rely on Mother's hypocrisy to see us through this crisis.

Jake Morgendorffer: [hiking, Jake and Daria hit a fork in the trail blocked with a 'DANGER' sign] Look at that, Daria, a fork in the trail. If you go one way, you can't go the other.
Daria Morgendorffer: This is going to depress me, isn't it?
Jake Morgendorffer: This way over here leads to an entry-level job. A little bit of money in your pocket. Soon, you're wearing a suit and tie every day like all the other faceless saps, living in a boring little house in a bland little town, and doing so well you're in debt up to your disappearing hair! That's where that trail leads, Daria!
Daria Morgendorffer: I guess that other trail is the one that leads to personal and spiritual satisfaction. That's why they don't want you to take it.
Jake Morgendorffer: Dammit, Daria! You're brilliant!
[climbs over sign and walks down closed trail]
Daria Morgendorffer: Wait! It was a joke?
[sighs]


"Daria: The Big House (#1.10)" (1997)
Jake: Do you have any idea how many rules you've broken?
Daria: How many? And which ones?

Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, Daria. What do you have in the DeMartino pool?
Daria: I'm not going. I'm grounded.
Jodie Abigail Landon: [Jodie, Mack and Kevin Laugh] What did *you* do to get grounded? No offense.
Daria: None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice.
Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie: An experiment? On you?
Daria: Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence.
Kevin Thompson: Whoa! That's a little twisted.
Daria: Yeah. The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup.
[Jodie and Mack laugh; Kevin looks frightened]

Jane Lane: So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.
Daria: Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.

Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game?
Daria: Are you kidding?
Jane Lane: We'll take two.
Daria: What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You weren't here last year, Daria.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [flashback: Mr. DeMartino pushes puck along the floor, and is body-checked by Rock & Roll Randy] Argh!
[clutches chest and collapses to floor]
Randy: Rock and roll, foreva!
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Help... me... !
[Flashback ends]
Jodie Abigail Landon: Mr. DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty. He almost died.
Jane Lane: But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished. Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet. This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [Cut to Mr. DeMartino on exercise equipment, suspended upside-down by his feet and doing sit-ups] Three hundred ninety-eight... three hundred ninety-nine... fooouuur hundred! Ahh... Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.
[cut ends]
Daria: What are you saying?
Jodie Abigail Landon: You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash?
Daria: I'm in.

Helen: Are you girls ready for your day in court?
Quinn: Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.
Helen: Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing. Then we'll punish you.
Daria: But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic?
Helen: Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.
Jake: Jefferson!
Helen: Stalin. It's all about fairness, girls. That's why your father will make a terrific judge.
Jake: I get to be the judge?
[Jake pushes a large armchair in front of the TV]
Daria: Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek." Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?
Jake: That's it, Daria. All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.
Daria: A lawyer? Mom?
Helen: Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting. And if I do say so myself, you're going down.

Jake: [Daria is playing the harmonica in her room; Jake enters] Yeah, hi, Daria. I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.
Daria: Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.
Jake: I'm sorry, honey. You go on and play.
Daria: Thank you.
[Jake exits; Daria goes to her door and plays even louder than before]

Helen: Tonight we're going to set some boundaries, and we'd like your input.
Quinn: Well, everybody knows that late curfews should go to people who can really use them; attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Daria Morgendorffer: Wow, who said that, Thomas Jefferson, or was it Barbie?

Daria Morgendorffer: [while playing family court] Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, your compassion, and your keen sense of fair-play.
Jake Morgendorffer: Well said! Grounded for a month!
Daria Morgendorffer: What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.
Helen: We have to set boundaries, Daria. Nobody said the justice system would be fair.

Quinn: Is this gonna take long? I'm suppose to be somewhere.
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh, is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall?


"Daria: Arts 'n' Crass (#2.1)" (1998)
Jane: You're a real Joan of Arc, you know that?
Daria: Yeah. And I think I just ordered a stake.

Daria: The systems failed us.
Jane: The system sucks. Were going to have to go outside the system.
Daria: You don't mean...
Jane: Yes.

Jane Lane: Can she do that?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, this is all a bad dream brought on by too much pene a la pesto.
Jane Lane: Do we have any recourse or anything? I mean, cant we talk to Mr. O'Neil
Daria Morgendorffer: We could appeal to him, and he might turn the full force of his overwhelming personality to Ms. Li, and then she'd eat him.
Jane Lane: Well, what about your mother?
Daria Morgendorffer: How about yours?
Jane Lane: My mother's a little preoccupied right now. She's tracking down the source of a disturbing heat variation in her kiln. But your mother is a lawyer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, a mother that thinks it's a good idea for me to get involved in the poster contest...
[sighs]
Daria Morgendorffer: The systems failed us...
Jane Lane: The system sucks. We're going to have to go outside the system...
Daria Morgendorffer: You don't mean...
Jane Lane: Yes.

Jane: What does this have to do with our poster?
Mr O'Neill: It changes a negative message into a positive one. She's not pretty because she starved herself into it; she's pretty because she takes care of herself! It's even more powerful than before, because it's upbeat!
Jane: I see. She's not going to throw up anymore. But I might.
Daria: Don't do that. It's downbeat.

Daria: What's wrong?
Helen: Your father had a little business setback, dear. He lost a client.
Jake Morgendorffer: "I got a great idea," he said. "A million dollar idea," he said. "Cigars for pets. What do you think?" he said. "I want you to be honest," he said. What the hell made me believe him?

Daria: How about we call it, "America's Future Leaders," and we just enlarge a picture of Kevin and Brittany?
Jane: Come on, that's too depressing. How about we call it, "Beauty is only Skin Deep," and we attach the actual skin of a student?
Daria: Oh, I like that. I wonder if we can talk Quinn into donating hers?

Jane: You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And tell the truth about how much it can suck.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.
Daria: Yes.
Jane: And you're going to help.
Daria: No.

Daria Morgendorffer: So then... Splat. Dinner ends up all over my dad's head.
Jane Lane: Wow, excellent, your youthful integrity is tearing your family asunder.

Jodie Abigail Landon: What are you guys doing here?
Daria Morgendorffer: Observing.
Jane Lane: Innocently.
Jodie Abigail Landon: I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster... Wait a minute, what are you guys planning?
Daria Morgendorffer: Get lost, Landon.
Jane Lane: For your own good.
Daria Morgendorffer: You've got a bright future, kid.
Jane Lane: You don't wanna be here when what's gonna go down goes down.


"Daria: Gifted (#2.8)" (1998)
[Having been offered a visit to a private school]
Daria: I already go to a school where the kids all think they're cooler than me. I want to go to a school where the kids all think they're smarter than me, too.

Quinn: And why do they call them tennis bracelets, anyway? It sounds like some sort of sweat band, if you ask me. I'd call them wrist ornaments, doesn't that sound festive?
Jane: Take... her... NOW.
Daria: This story I've gotta hear.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I don't like the idea of you staying here alone, anyway.
Quinn: Why? I'm not afraid.
Daria: Yeah. Why should you be afraid? Of mass murderers, serial killers, torturers, cannibals... puppy kickers?

Teacher: Daria, what about your goal?
Daria: Uhmmm. I don't have any.
Teacher: Oh come, Daria! You must have some goal.
Daria: My goal is not to wake up at forty with the bitter realization that I've wasted my life in a job I hate, because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.

Jodie Abigail Landon: You realize your negative approach to everything is self-defeating, right?
Daria: Well, it's nice to know there's someone I can defeat.
Jodie Abigail Landon: I mean, you may spare yourself some pain by cutting everyone off, but you miss out on alot of good stuff too.
Daria: Look Jodie, I'm too smart and too sensitive to live in a world like ours, at a time like this, with a sister like mine. Maybe I do miss out on stuff, but this attitude is what works for me now.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Then you'll understand what works for me now. At home, I'm Jodie - I can say and do whatever feels right. But at school I'm The Queen of the Negros, the perfect African-American teen, the role-model for all the other African-American teens at Lawndale. Oops! Where'd they go? Believe me: I'd like to be more like you.
Daria: Well, I have to admit there are times when I'd like to be more like you.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Really?
Daria: I'm not saying all the time.

Daria: Admit it. That felt good.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Well, a little. Okay, a lot.
Daria: Busting on jerks like Graham is one of life's few pleasures. You should try it more often.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Oh, shut up.
Daria: Um... good start.

Quinn: Don't worry, I'll take good care of the house while you're gone.
Daria: You mean like last time, when you had that keg party and Jeffy threw up in Mom's closet?
Quinn: He did not! It was Jerome.

Brittany Taylor: [Daria is reading The Telltale Heart] The Telltale Heart? I LOVE romance novels!
Daria: Yeah, nothing says "Be Mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: So, Jodie, do you belong to any clubs?
Daria: You don't have to answer that.
Jodie Abigail Landon: I'm president of the French Club, vice president of Student Council, editor of yearbook, and I'm also on the tennis team.
Jake Morgendorffer: Daria, why aren't you on the tennis team?
Daria: Because it's classified as a sport.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Speaking of sports, Jodie, do you know Kevin Thompson? He and Daria did a science project together.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Oh, sure. Kevin's great...
[softly to Daria]
Jodie Abigail Landon: at smashing beer cans with his head.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I don't know why Daria doesn't hang around with him and his gang more.
Daria: For the same reason I don't sleep with my head packed in ice.


"Daria: The Lab Brat (#1.7)" (1997)
Ms. Janet Barch: Kevin, Daria will be your lab partner.
Brittany Taylor: [squeaks] What?
Ms. Janet Barch: You two will design a maze, and condition Kevin - I mean, condition a mouse using positive or negative reinforcement.
Brittany Taylor: [to Kevin] But babe, we've never been separated on a lab project before! What'll we do?
Daria Morgendorffer: Pass?

Brittany Taylor: If you think you're going to take Kevin away from me, you're wrong. Because he's my Kevin, and you're, you're a... a brain!
Daria Morgendorffer: You know, Brittany, that was actually a very astute observation about the likelihood of my dating your boyfriend.
Jane Lane: Or is it former boyfriend?

Helen: Quinn, how was your day?
Quinn: It sucked! First my teacher gave my paper on Cleopatra's makeup don'ts an "F"; like he would know! Then my heel broke. Then, like, the day was almost over and only two guys had asked me out. Luckily, just before...
Helen: Daria, *please* tell me about the project.
Daria Morgendorffer: It's about how behavior is affected by positive or negative reinforcement.
Helen: Sounds super!
Daria Morgendorffer: Like... say, you have a friend who responds to everything you say with, "That's great!" This insincere reply is the same whether you saved a life or killed a bug, and thus becomes "negative reinforcement," causing you to withdraw from that person or persons.
Helen: Wow. That's fantastic!
[Daria rolls her eyes]

Ms. Janet Barch: And like a husband going home to his noble and self-sacrificing wife, the rat keeps returning to the food box. That is, the positive reinforcement. Huh, if only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after twenty-two thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing!
[repeatedly slams pointer on desk]
Ms. Janet Barch: Just! Like! That!
Daria Morgendorffer: I wonder why he left.

Brittany Taylor: Hi Joey, Jeffy, Jimmy!
Joey: So, Daria, what are you doing tonight?
Daria Morgendorffer: She just called you Jimmy.
Jamie White: Whatever.

Ms. Janet Barch: Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another example of reinforcement?
[Nobody in the class answers]
Ms. Janet Barch: Fine, class. Ignore me... just like he did! Kevin?
Kevin Thompson: Uh...
Ms. Janet Barch: Shut up, Kevin! Daria? Reinforcement?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hmm... to make a child stop crying, a mother might say, "That's it! I'm sending you to El Paso to live with your real father." Whenever the child gets upset, the mother might wave an airline ticket in her face, or maybe even frame it on the wall by the clown picture. The ticket stops the girl from crying, or showing any emotion... ever.
Ms. Janet Barch: Right, that's...
Daria Morgendorffer: Years later, seeing an airplane or just hearing one fly overhead can unleash a Pandora's Box of repressed anger, shattering the grown child's fragile psyche and triggering a psychotic and possibly deadly episode.

Daria Morgendorffer: In conclusion, this mouse - through no fault of my own, *Brittany* - was repeatedly abused by a ten-year-old boy. As a result, the mouse's primary response to everyday stimuli is fear. Similar reactions also occur in humans. Take the mugging victim, beaten with nunchaku in an alleyway. As he, or she, recalls the attacker's face - his scraggly goatee and cheap, dangly earring - she learns to hate and fear all men, regardless of age, race or taste in jewelry.
Kevin Thompson: Really?
Ms. Janet Barch: Don't interrupt, hateful scum. Excellent job, Daria. You get an "A."
Kevin Thompson: Alright!
Ms. Janet Barch: Not you, you man. You get a "D."
Kevin Thompson: Alright!

Kevin Thompson: You know, Daria, I really liked hanging out at your house and working on the maze thing.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, the week just flew by. It was like you were hardly there.
Kevin Thompson: Thanks. Hey, Daria?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yes?
Kevin Thompson: I'm having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Could you...
Daria Morgendorffer: Yes?
Kevin Thompson: ...ask Quinn if she could make it?


Daria in 'Is It College Yet?' (2002) (TV)
Daria Morgendorffer: What are you saying? That I got into Raft because they *didn't* meet me? Screw you!

[Daria accepts an academic award at graduation]
Daria Morgendorffer: Um, thank you. I'm not much for public speaking. Or much for speaking. Or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise my advice is; Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless experience proves you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor *is* naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

[Daria and Jane discuss their college plans at Pizza King]
Jane Lane: What about you? Still thinking about
[in snooty voice]
Jane Lane: Bromwell?
Daria Morgendorffer: They don't really talk like that... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
Jane Lane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Jane Lane: You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.
Daria Morgendorffer: Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

Jane Lane: Behold, Daria. The group dynamic you crave so much.
Daria Morgendorffer: I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad form.

[last lines]
Jane Lane: To college! I can't wait! What do you think we'll find when we get there?
Daria Morgendorffer: Hmm... That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared soley to the pursuit of funding?
Jane Lane: Hmmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah?
Jane Lane: I take it back.

Jane Lane: [about Tom] He said he looked up to you?
Daria Morgendorffer: Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird.
Jane Lane: No... I guess I could see where people would value your opinion and take what you say very seriously.
Daria Morgendorffer: Really? Where can I meet these people?
Jane Lane: Well, I kind of take what you say seriously.
Daria Morgendorffer: What's in that cup?
Jane Lane: That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in.
Daria Morgendorffer: [smiles] Jane Lane! What did you say?
Jane Lane: You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more parties.

[Tom has come to visit Daria after they've broken up]
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not getting into that car. That's how all this trouble started in the first place.
Tom Sloane: Trouble? Is that how you think of our relationship?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm just kidding. What's up?


"Daria: Jane's Addition (#3.13)" (1999)
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey.
Jane Lane: Hey.
Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Those really good friends of mine - they totally blew me off. I figured you guys might be here.
Jane Lane: Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute.
Daria Morgendorffer: Wanna borrow my stopwatch?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so.
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, bye now.
Jane Lane: Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What movie?
Daria Morgendorffer: It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Men and Boys Vomit."
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and watch TV by myself.

Trent Lane: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
Daria Morgendorffer: How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
Trent Lane: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
Daria Morgendorffer: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Trent Lane: Sorry again about, you know... everything.
Daria Morgendorffer: That's okay.
Trent Lane: All right then, Daria. See you around.
[Trent kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves]
Daria Morgendorffer: See ya.

Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Helen, Jake and Quinn are all offscreen, leaving the house] Meeting!
Jake Morgendorffer: Golf!
Quinn Morgendorffer: Date!
Daria Morgendorffer: Sarcasm!

Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Look, I'd like to talk to you, okay?
Daria Morgendorffer: So, talk.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Listen, you don't like me and that's fine. There's no reason you should.
Daria Morgendorffer: I agree.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: But it would be really nice if you could try and get along with me a little. At least in front of Jane.
Daria Morgendorffer: Why should I?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Because she's your best friend, and I really like her and want to get to know her.
Daria Morgendorffer: So?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: So you hating me puts her in a very awkward position.
Daria Morgendorffer: I don't hate you. I don't even know you. But I'm not going to sit by while you take my friend away.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm not taking your friend away. All she talks about is "Daria said this," "Daria did this," "listen to what Daria told this moron."
Daria Morgendorffer: Don't bother with the flattery, Tom... I'm immune.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm not flattering you, Daria. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm just saying you'd have to be pretty stupid to think anything or anybody is going to shake your friendship with Jane.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, pretty stupid. Look, I may conceivably have been acting like a jerk toward you...
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: It's possible; don't worry about it.
Daria Morgendorffer: But you and I are not friends.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Definitely not.
Daria Morgendorffer: And even if we were friends, I still wouldn't ride in that car.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: That's just plain common sense.

Daria Morgendorffer: Thanks for the ride.
Trent Lane: Thanks for coming to the gig. I gotta get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, you don't wanna miss that.

Daria Morgendorffer: Is Trent up yet?
Jane Lane: I heard something stirring in his room. I'm hoping it wasn't a family of raccoons.

Daria Morgendorffer: You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you?
Trent Lane: Hey, the night holds the key.
Daria Morgendorffer: The key to what?
Trent Lane: I don't know, Daria, it's early.

Jane Lane: Trent bought a mini-keyboard and a composing program, and he's been up like every night screwing around with it.
Daria Morgendorffer: Has he played you any of the music he's written?
Jane Lane: Who said anything about writing music? He sampled the toilet flushing and created an all plumbing version of "Oh Susana".


"Daria: Monster (#2.6)" (1998)
Daria: [to Jane] You know that conscience I don't have? It got to me.

[Daria and Jane are working on a student film that's going nowhere]
Jane: Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it was brilliant.
Daria: Those people changed their minds after they got into the twelve step programs.

Helen: I haven't seen you this amused since your sister fell at her dance recital.
Daria: That was me.
Helen: Oh. Well, I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: [Mr. O'Neill is driving his car with Daria and Jane in back seat] Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of the times than the novel. Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude? Jane?
Jane: I can't really hear you back here. Road noise. Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: What about you, Daria?
Daria: Let's face it. Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book. It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria! Thank you for the suggestion!
Daria: Um, did I make a suggestion? Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

Quinn Morgendorffer: Is that my movie? Can I see?
Daria: Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.
Jane: See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves. You understand.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything.
[short laugh]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Not that I would.
Daria: Perish the thought.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
Daria: Or anything else.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars?" But then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings.
Jane: They are minuscule, aren't they?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do.
[Quinn leaves the room]
Daria: [Feeling guilty] Aw, hell.
Jane: Yeah...

Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks for driving us here, Aaron.
Zachary: It's Zachary.
Quinn Morgendorffer: That's what I said. But shopping is kind of a girl thing. Maybe you could meet us after or something.
Zachary: But what will I do in the meantime?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do? Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.
Zachary: Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present. If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.
Daria: [to Jane, who is supposed to be recording Quinn but instead the facial products at the mall] Did you get that? I hope you got that.
Jane: Did you know pore refiner spelled backwards is renifer erop?
Daria: [Snatches the camera from Jane] Give me that!

Daria: [Daria is seated on her bed, reading from a script; the camera is on a tripod pointed at Jane] And then you open the window and say, "Life is a meaningless descent into the void." Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything."
Jane: Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say? And a poodle! I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.
Daria: Actors...

[Daria has a nightmare about acting like Quinn. Dressed like her sister, she walks down the hallway, accompanied by three Janes. Each Jane has an outfit and a voice similar to a different Fashion Club member]
Daria: I have the cutest little pores, don't I?
Jane #1: You really do. Each one is like a tiny dimple.
Jane #2: I wish I had pores like yours, Daria!
Daria: "Pores Like Yours." That would be a great name for a pore conditioning exfoliant.
Jane #3: God, Daria, how do you do it? Here we are, complimenting you on your perfect pores, and *you're* unselfishly thinking about how you can improve the pores of others.
Daria: Duh! I guess when it rains, it pores!
[Daria and the Janes laugh. A shocked Daria wakes in her bedroom, gasping]


"Daria: Antisocial Climbers (#4.2)" (2000)
[School is on a mountain hiking trip]
Ms. Li: We'll have no problem reaching base camp before dark, as long as there are no more surprises.
[Snow begins to fall]
Daria: Surprise.

[Walking lost in the mountains during a blizzard]
Jane Lane: I think this could really be it!
Daria: What are you talking about? Just keep walking, we'll find our way!
Jane Lane: I don't know, Daria! This is bad!
Daria: ...Listen, I'm sorry I gave you all that crap about your boyfriend!
Jane Lane: Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you all those times in front of my brother!
Daria: [Awkward silence] ... I feel like we should say more!
Jane Lane: I know, that was kind of pathetic!
Daria: Umm... I'm sorry my parents didn't stop at one child!
Jane Lane: I'm sorry they added those ugly blue M&Ms... Better?
Daria: I've made my peace!

Jane Lane: So, this didn't work out so bad. We managed to survive the blizzard and ditch the field trip.
Daria: Plus, you got that thing off your chest about the blue M&Ms.
Jane Lane: Do you think we should feel guilty about leaving our classmates stranded in the wild?
Daria: Who?

Jane Lane: Mr. DeMartino, we'd like to volunteer to go with you.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: As much as I appreciate your KIND, if FOOLhardy offer, I have to decline. It's too DANGERous out there! Once you walk out those doors, you may NOT be coming back!
Daria: Okay. Then we're all on the same page.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Very well, but dress for survival.
Daria: Well, I was gonna dress for perishing, but okay.

Daria: Let me make a quick assessment of our situation: We're lost in a blizzard with no equipment and no leadership, and if we don't get help we'll probably have to drag back the body of our history teacher.
Jane Lane: When you put it that way you make it sound bad.
Daria: Then let me rephrase: what started out as a grim, life-negating field trip has turned into a grim, life-negating gape into the void.

Daria: You know, if this storm doesn't let up it could take days for help to arrive.
Jane Lane: Well, when everybody gets hungry enough it'll be interesting to see who gets eaten first.

Helen: Well, how was the field trip after the snow stopped? Did you girls learn anything?
Quinn: I learned that sometimes being too well dressed can work against you. Who would've thought that one's fashion sense could have a dark side. The normally life-affirming act of choosing an outfit...
Helen: [Interrupts] YES, Quinn. And what about you, Daria?
Daria: I came to the realization that given a choice between sharing shelter with my fellow students or risking death by blindly marching into a blizzard, it's blizzard-ho for me.

Daria: [Deadpan] Hey Quinn, I need to borrow your neck insulator thingy to go out on this highly dangerous and potentially doomed rescue mission, okay?
Quinn: [Breathy] Whatever, I've got my own problems.
Daria: Please, stop the sisterly tears of concern, you're making a scene.


"Daria: This Year's Model (#1.6)" (1997)
Daria: So then Miss Li admits to doing this to pay for new bullet-proof skylights. The whole thing's enough to turn your stomach. Which I guess is good if you want to be a model. Eases the transition to bulimia.

Quinn: You gotta let me do this, you always say I can be anything I wanna be!
Helen: Yes. We do say that.
Daria: That reminds me: May I become queen of Brazil?

Daria: Isn't modeling for people who drop out of high school to pursue a career based solely on youth and looks, both of which are inevitably declared dead by age 25?
Ms. Angela Li: Do you have a point, Ms. Morgendorffer?
Jane: And don't fashion people squander their lives loudly worshiping all that is superficial and meaningless, while the rest of the planet keeps riding a roller coaster to hell?
Ms. Angela Li: Modeling is a competitive field, yes, but the financial rewards are great. As principal, I'd be cheating our student body if I didn't allow them every opportunity to fulfill their potential.
Daria: Excuse me. Can we assume the financial rewards are great for the school as well?
Ms. Angela Li: That is really none of your business!
Daria: But I don't want to miss a lesson in applied economics. I'm trying to fulfill my potential.

Romonica: All right, ladies. Now, when you stride down the runway, you're walking towards your car. You've spotted a headless corpse in it... and it's a brand new car!
Daria: And a smelly old corpse.
Jane: In a really bad outfit!

Claude: Now, girls, you're little kittens in an animal shelter. You have to look sad and helpless so someone will adopt you, or else it's kitty heaven.
Quinn: That's so sad!
Stacy Rowe: You really get the idea he's been there.
Jane: [Jane and Daria are in the audience watching from afar]
[laughs]
Jane: Kitty heaven?
Daria: How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?

Quinn: I'm writing a poem about what a great model I'd be. I'm going to recite it for Claude and Romonica.
[arises and clears throat]
Quinn: "A model's what I'd like to be / Looking good comes naturally / Da da da da, da da, me."
Daria: That's it, send the other girls home.

Daria: Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come here and recruit lap dancers.
Jodie Abigail Landon: Don't mention that idea to Brittany.

[Daria is complaining about the modeling class at the school]
Helen: You really feel strongly about this.
Daria: What do you mean?
Helen: Well... You're talking to us.


"Daria: The Lawndale File (#3.11)" (1999)
Jane: Come on, not even aliens would give the planet to the Fashion Club. You're getting paranoid.
Daria: I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.

[agents are looking for "different" people]
Jane: Different, huh? What do you think I'll get if I turn you in?
Daria: More quality time with Brittany and Kevin.
Jane: Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.

Mr. O'Neill: Have you been watching "The X-Files"? I know I have.
Daria: And that's good.
Mr. O'Neill: But you know what's interesting?
Jane: Why do you encourage him?

Jane: A lot of weirdness around here lately.
Daria: Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.
Jane: You say that every day.
Daria: Oh, yeah.

Helen: Come on, Daria, something interesting must have happened yesterday.
Daria: Nope.
Jake: How about that friend of yours - what's new with her?
Daria: Not much.
Helen: What about the newspaper? Read anything interesting there lately?
Daria: I did see an article by an efficiency expert who claims one really intense conversation with your child over breakfast is worth a whole week of unfocused parenting. Did you catch that article?

Jane: Did we just see a U.F.O.?
Daria: You're getting paranoid. It's probably just an informal get-together of local stalkers. You know, hang out, swap stories, try out each other's skeleton keys.
Jane: But only an idiot would go stalking with a flashlight.
Daria: Come on. This is Lawndale.
Jane: Oh, yeah.

Daria: Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker.

Jane: So you convinced your dad you're not a communist?
Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.


"Daria: The Lost Girls (#3.6)" (1999)
Quinn Morgendorffer: "Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread." What do you think?
Daria Morgendorffer: I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you.
Quinn Morgendorffer: This is our chance to be the next international style center.
Daria Morgendorffer: Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.

[a teen magazine editor asks Daria for her definition of "Edgy"]
Daria Morgendorffer: As far as I can make out, "edgy" occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy - not to mention the spending money - out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.

Val: Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within.
Daria Morgendorffer: Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without?

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: We won, Daria. We won!
[hugs Daria]
Daria Morgendorffer: Lawsuit.
Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Sorry!
[lets go]

Daria Morgendorffer: As far as I can make out, 'edgy' occurs when middle-brow, middle-age profiteers are looking to suck the energy, not to mention the spending money, out of the quote, unquote youth culture. So they come up with this big concept of seeming to be dangerous, when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.

Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."

Val: [Talking on the phone] How can I not appeal to their demographic? They are so WHACK. I AM their demographic! They wouldn't know edgy if it bit them in the butt! Oh, confirm my hair color appointment and facial for tomorrow, would ya? And work up a schedule for my girlfriend Dar's visit. Thanks for saving my life, helpmate!
[Hangs up]
Val: I'm zonked. Collaborating is hard, don't you think?
Daria Morgendorffer: How would I know?
Val: Sorry about all those phone calls.
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh, I just think of it as being a witness to history. Anyway, it isn't everyday your boyfriend dumps you for a starlet.
Val: I was NOT dumped! And I am much more famous than that pathetic, B-list, pseudo celebrity! Not that the suits who control the airwaves would know. Sometimes I feel like the whole adult world is against youth culture.
Daria Morgendorffer: Except the adults making a nice fat living off of it.
Val: What do you mean?
Daria Morgendorffer: What do YOU mean? What do you mean, pushing yourself as some kind of role-model when all you care about is how you look and what celebrities you know? Aren't teenage girls screwed up enough without you foisting your shallow values on them and making their lousy self images even worse?


"Daria: See Jane Run (#2.11)" (1998)
Daria: If some guy named Knuckles calls, it's for me.

Daria: Funny how all the drills for "Focus on Agility" month are the same ones you'd do if you were trying to sneak a cheerleader practice into regular gym class.
Jane: Yes, and I don't intend to stand for it. They can have my squat-thrusts when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.
Daria: What?
Jane: I don't know.

Daria: "Thin Thighs For Your Man." But I don't like men with thin thighs.

Daria: Jane. On a school team. That's pathetic. Hey, if she's the pathetic one, why am I talking to myself? And more importantly, why am I waiting for a reply?

Daria: [Quinn is knocking on the door] Someone's knocking. Come in.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Hi, Daria, how's it going?
Daria: Okay. Out with it.
Quinn Morgendorffer: I was thinking that you and I could... you know, do something together.
Daria: All right, who are you, and where are you hiding Quinn?
Quinn Morgendorffer: What? Can't a sister spend time with her...
Daria: Cousin?
Quinn Morgendorffer: All right, Mom is forcing me to hang out with you.
Daria: Forcing?
Quinn Morgendorffer: I've got her gold card.
Daria: Why didn't you say so? Give me the first cash advance and you can come with me to the library.
Quinn Morgendorffer: The library? If anyone saw me there, I'd die.
Daria: Okay, then, how about the mall? You know, where your friends hang out.

Daria Morgendorffer: Alright, so I thought I was making a joke, but I was really humiliating you in front of this guy you like...
Jane Lane: [Interrupts] Appreciate.
Daria Morgendorffer: - This guy you appreciate, which was stupid and insensitive. So I'm an idiot and I'm sorry, okay?
Jane Lane: Not so fast; How do I know this is a sincere apology and not a cheap ploy to get back on my good side?
Daria Morgendorffer: Why does there have to be a difference?
Jane Lane: I accept.

Ms. Morris: Ladies. Why aren't you exercising with the rest of the class?
Jane Lane: We are exercising.
Daria Morgendorffer: We're exercising our right to abstain from cheerleader practice.
Ms. Morris: That's not cheerleading, it's agility. Jane Lane, you're just like your sisters, aren't you?
Jane Lane: We share certain chromosome pairs. Beyond that, I'm not supposed to say.
Ms. Morris: You know what I mean. Can't be part of a group. Always have to be different. Your sister Penny never wanted to participate, either. I taught her a thing or two about the American competitive spirit.
Jane Lane: You sure did. That's why she's spent the last ten years out of the country.


"Daria: Write Where It Hurts (#2.13)" (1998)
Jane: Hey, Daria, can I have your boots?
Daria: Yeah, turn around. I'll give you one right now.

Helen: You gloss over everything with a cynical joke and no one knows what you really believe in.
Daria: A-ha. So my evil plan is working.

Jane: Hey, Daria, can I read your story someday?
Daria: No, but you can read the one where you run off with Kevin.
Jane: WHAT?

Jane: Well, what's your definition of true?
Daria: Something that says something.
Jane: What, anything?
Daria: No, something, about something.
Jane: Let me get this straight, you're telling me that you want to write something, not just anything, that says something about something.
Daria: Right.
Jane: Gee, who'd ever believe you having trouble communicating.

Helen: So, Daria, how was your day at school?
Daria: Hmm... lets see... Nobody talked to me again today, I wasn't invited to any parties for the weekend. So, all in all, another good day.
Helen: [sighs] Oh, Daria.

Jake Morgendorffer: Hey, kiddo! Guess you're wondering what old Dad is up to with the big stew pot!
Daria: Guess again.

Helen Morgendorffer: Daria, do you have to look at everything in such a negative light?
Daria Morgendorffer: Could you possibly be referring to the harsh light of reality?


"Daria: Malled (#1.5)" (1997)
Kevin: All right. Field trip. Where we going, man?
Daria: The field.
Kevin: All right.

Daria: We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

Daria: It smells like... like...
Jane: Teen spirit?

Jane: I'd love to have hair like that woman who's molested by a kangaroo.
Daria: Really? She looked so... Everyday.
Jane: I mean after she was molested.

Quinn: How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club?
Daria: A traction pulley?
Quinn: Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular...
Daria: Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia.
Jake Morgendorffer: Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit!
Helen: Sit down, dear. It was a joke.
Jake Morgendorffer: [angrily] Oh!
[Calm]
Jake Morgendorffer: Oh.

Daria: If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says, "Imagine all the people, browsing in a mall." Isn't that weird?

Daria: I'm sorry, Mrs. Bennett. I can't go to the mall. I have a skin condition.
Mrs. Bennett: What are you talking about, Daria?
Daria: If I'm in an enclosed space for too long, I get hives.
Mrs. Bennett: But you're in an enclosed space now.
Daria: Yes... and I'm really itchy?
Jane: These hives get bad, Mrs. Bennett, I've seen them. They drip with puss.
[the entire class acts revolted; Daria glares at Jane]
Jane: Just trying to help!


"Daria: Esteemsters (#1.1)" (1997)
Daria: Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
Jake: I'll say.
Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.

Mrs. Manson: Now, Dora, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.
Daria: It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson: I'm sorry... Daria. What do you see in the picture, Dara?
Daria: Um... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
Mrs. Manson: Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.
Daria: Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.
Mrs. Manson: That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria: Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.
[Mrs. Manson frowns, while Daria smirks]

Helen: But what does your self-esteem teacher say?
Daria: He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I suppose Quinn's here to stay.

Quinn: Nobody told me about any test!
Daria: Don't worry; It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.
Quinn: Oh, alright.

Helen: Daria, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Highland all over again.
Daria: Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drinking water here, too.

Daria: So what do they talk to the guys about?
Jane: Room full of guys and a male teacher.
Daria: [Both] Nocturnal emissions.


"Daria: A Tree Grows in Lawndale (#4.3)" (2000)
Jane: Daria, you're going to hell.
Daria: Any place that's better than Lawndale.

Michael Jordan 'Mack' Mackenzie: You know, you aren't supposed to ride those things without a helmet.
Kevin: Hey, I don't follow rules. I'm rebellent.
Daria: Did he say "repellent?"
Jane: Seems like he should have, doesn't it?

Daria Morgendorffer: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
[Jane grabs Daria's notepad]
Jane Lane: "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
Daria Morgendorffer: It's a work in progress.

Tom Sloane: I take it your quarterback is still wallowing in self-pity.
Daria: I wish he'd try self-immolation.

Kevin: What's saving lives if there's no one to make out with?
Daria: I believe Gandhi asked that same question.
Jane: It's why he had to be eliminated.

Daria: So my sister's scouting out new zip-codes, my father's so mad he can only see the color red, and the other day when my mother was paying bills I caught her trying to smudge her return address labels. My home life's becoming intolerable.
Jane: BECOMING intolerable?
Daria: [Silence] ... Is there such a word as intolerabler?


"Daria: Depth Takes a Holiday (#3.4)" (1999)
Daria: Could they make the holidays any more vulgar?
Jane: I hope so.
Daria: What?
Jane: The more debased they become, the less reason there is to celebrate them. That means the less reason for my family to get together until presto I'm finally alone on Thanksgiving with a TV dinner.

Quinn: What was that?
Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.

Christmas: What do you care if we go back to Holiday Island?
Daria: All I care about is that if this dream isn't the first sign of a brain tumor.

Quinn: Daria we've got to do something about mom and da -... what's going on?
Daria: I've got three fugitive holidays staying in my room. How's your day going?
Quinn: Great. Now who are they, really?
Daria: As stupid as it sounds, these are actual holiday spirits on the run from the law.
Quinn: That's the problem with you brains; you think lying is child's play.
Daria: See, cupid shot mom and dad full of love so I'd help him get these guys back to holiday island.
Quinn: ...Are you taking some kind of experimental depression medicine?
Daria: Of course not.
Quinn: Too bad, you're going to need it when the new baby arrives.

Jane: [Walking into Holiday Island High] This is just like a highschool.
Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
St. Patrick's Day: It only seems like highschool... actually, it's much worse.
Jane: THAT'S what we'll be saying all our lives.


"Daria: The New Kid (#2.7)" (1998)
Daria: You tried to buy my influence with a date?
Quinn: Well, that's how we do it in America, comrade.

Quinn: [club pages have been cut from the yearbook] But you can't be serious about this!
Daria: Listen, Ted has a point.
Quinn: Aha! It's that boy! So it's about love, is it?
Daria: It is not about love!
Quinn: Alright, keep it your secret to cherish always, but just because you're going out -
Daria: Ted and I are *not* going out!
Quinn: Whatever! Just tell loverboy we want our yearbook back!
Daria: Did you hear that? You just used the verb "want" with the noun "book."
Quinn: Save the math games for your boyfriend.

Quinn: Look, when you get thrown off a horse, you have to get back up and shoot it, right?
Daria: I guess so.

Helen: Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he trying to get you to join a cult?
Daria: Oh, brother.
Jake Morgendorffer: He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted?
Daria: No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are *not* going out!
[Daria exits]
Helen: She's obviously lying.
Jake Morgendorffer: Absolutely.
Quinn: No question.

Quinn: Hey! Check it out! My web page just had 2500 hits in just the last three hours!
Daria: Really? I can beat that.
Quinn: You don't even have a web page.
Daria: No, but I can hit.
Quinn: [the door closes; sounds of Daria hitting Quinn are audible] Ow! Ow! Mom! Dad! Help!


"Daria: The F Word (#4.5)" (2000)
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, where's your evil twin?
Jane Lane: The aliens finished their experiments, and let me return in her place.
Daria Morgendorffer: How was the probe?
Jane Lane: Less intrusive this time.

Jane Lane: So, what are you gonna fail at, giving a damn?
Daria Morgendorffer: I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.
Jane Lane: Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.

Daria Morgendorffer: I just picked what I'm gonna fail at; getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
Jane Lane: Excellent.
Daria Morgendorffer: This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn IS grounded, I still win.

Daria Morgendorffer: I'm gonna head home. I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria and Jane enter class to see Britney crying hysterically] Let me guess; a teen movie star choked on his gum.
Jane Lane: That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy-straws again.


"Daria: Pinch Sitter (#1.8)" (1997)
Quinn: [On the phone with the Gupty's] She's Kidding Mrs. Gupty, my sister's a big kidder, HA HA Daria.
Daria: Ha Ha Quinn.

Sick, Sad World Announcer: They bake cookies by day, but the really heat up at night! G-String Grandmas, tonight on Sick, Sad World.
Quinn: Gross!
Daria: For once, we're in agreement.

Tad Gupty: Can I exfoliate your skin?
Daria: Quinn lets you do that?
Tad Gupty: Quinn doesn't need it!

Daria: Oh, look, there's been a last-minute change in the schedule. It's time to watch TV.
Tad Gupty: But too much TV is bad for you.
Tricia Gupty: It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.
Daria: Well, that'll make three of us.

Tad Gupty: Raisins are nature's candy.
Daria: Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies?
Tricia Gupty: Sugar is bad.
Tad Gupty: Sugar rots your teeth.
Tricia Gupty: Sugar makes you hyper.
Tad Gupty: Hitler ate sugar.


"Daria: Daria! (#3.1)" (1999)
Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
Daria: I'm sure they already are.

Brittany: Oh, my gosh! Look at the Jell-o!
Daria: It's... jiggling.
Jane: [to Brittany] Worried about the competition?

Daria: Great. Now we're not only going to die, the headline's going to read "Quarterback and others perish."

Daria: [singing] Oh me, oh my! A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead, so I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and sleep in class instead of in my bed.

[Daria is crammed in a supply shed next to Brittany]
Daria: Um, Brittany? Do you mind pointing those things in another direction?
Brittany: Sorry.


"Daria: The Misery Chick (#1.13)" (1997)
Mr. O'Neill: You probably think about the dark side all the time.
Daria: The... dark side? Are we talking about "The Force"?

[after meeting Tommy Sherman]
Jane: I don't think he likes you.
Daria: That doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that jerk is going to be treated like a hero for the rest of this life.
Jane: Well, maybe he won't live that long.
Daria: Come on. You know wishes don't come true.
[a crash is heard off screen]
Kevin Thompson: [Off screen] Oh, my God! The goal post fell! Tommy Sherman's dead!
[Sobbing]
Kevin Thompson: He's dead!

Jane: When they say "you're always unhappy Daria", what they mean is: "You think Daria, I can tell because you don't smile. Now this guy died and its making me think and that hurts my little head and makes me stop smiling. So tell me how you cope with thinking all the time Daria until I can get back to my normal vegetable state".
Daria: Ok... so then why have you been why have you been avoiding me?
Jane: Cause I've been trying not to think.

Quinn Morgendorffer: So I called up Sandi, and Stacy, and Tiffany, and the Fashion Club is going to take up a collection to get safe new goal posts. Like, to honor the dead guy's memory.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn, what a wonderful impulse. To make something positive come out of this devastating event.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Daria gave me that idea. She's really good at this tragic stuff.
Daria: Thanks, but it was one of the safe new goal posts that fell on him.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Oh! Well, it's the thought that counts.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: And how do you feel, Daria?
Daria: I feel great. How else could I feel? I'm the misery chick.

Mr. O'Neill: "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." Just what is Lord Tennyson talking about? Brittany?
Brittany: Um, love?
Mr. O'Neill: Anyone else? Daria?
Daria: Well, he's acknowledging that if something makes you feel good, like being in love, there must be a corresponding painful side, like losing a love, and that it's just a fact of life.
Mr. O'Neill: Sad, but true.
Daria: And what's intriguing about it is that no one calls Tennyson a big unhappiness freak just because he understands that.
Mr. O'Neill: Is he a big unhappiness freak?
Daria: No, he's a realist. He says, "Emotional involvement brings pleasure and extraordinary pain." Then he declares that it's better than feeling nothing at all.
Mr. O'Neill: That is excellent, Daria.
Daria: Of course, this was before the advent of community property laws.


"Daria: It Happened One Nut (#3.7)" (1999)
Daria: Welcome to "It's a Nutty Nutty Nutty World." We're just nuts about nuts.

Helen: [reads over Daria's Career Aptitude Test] A mortician?
Daria: Hey, it wasn't my fault. Neck model was already taken.
Helen: [reads over test] "Your lack in interest of personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead."

Tiffany Blum-Deckler: [Reading from a sheet] You too... can learn... to make...
Daria: [prompting] Yes?
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: ...friends. Making... friends... is...
Daria: [taps foot impatiently] Fun? Interesting? Impossible?
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: ...important. Friends can be... very...
[clock ticks from 3:00 to 3:01]
Daria: Useful? Supportive? Purple? What?
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: You made me lose my place.
[Grunts softly in frustration]
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Let's see... Making friends... is... important...

Helen: "Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead." Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans?
Daria Morgendorffer: I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket.
Helen: I can't believe you're not more ambitious.
Daria Morgendorffer: You want me to kill people to drum up business?

Helen: Daria, did you take a career aptitude test?
Daria: I don't remember.
Helen: So I have to call the school to get your results?
Daria: If you so choose.
Helen: Or maybe I'll just drop by in person, bring you a surprise snack for your lunch box, pop into class, and give it you myself.
Daria: Alright, alright, that's check and mate.


"Daria: Lucky Strike (#5.6)" (2001)
[Upchuck peeks through the keyhole of Ms. Li's door]
Upchuck: Ooh, I like what I'm seeing...
Jane: Ms. Li changing her support hose again?
Daria: That's another habit that'll lead to blindness, Upchuck.
Jane: But in this case, you'll wish for it.

Daria: A classroom full of blank faces is a little spooky, until you plant your feet and stare them down.
Jane: You know, apes interpret that as a gesture of dominance.
Daria: That's what I just said.

Jeffy: What does "woe" mean?
Daria: It's like the feeling you'd get if the Super Bowl were preempted by "Antiques Roadshow".
Joey: Whoa.
Daria: See?

Ms. Angela Li: Students of Lawndale High.
Jane Lane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
Daria Morgendorffer: No. Satan's voice is lower, and he has an English accent.

Daria Morgendorffer: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
Daria Morgendorffer: Hmm... Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker! He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
Daria Morgendorffer: Romeo and Juliet.


"Daria: The Daria Hunter (#2.2)" (1998)
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.
Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Daria: [Inner monologue about a paintball trip] Somebody in movie once said, "Hell is the possibility of sanity." That's what this place fels like: Hell. I hate it already, and it's only been an hour. Some damn hour, Grandma.

Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint, anyway.

Daria: Mom, I think you've already demonstrated your involvement by pretending you're going out of town whenever Mr. O'Neill calls about school review meetings.
Helen: That man is just so... creepy. I don't suppose they need volunteers for this...
Daria, Quinn: No!
Helen: Oh, darn.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Now, the object of the game is to shoot to kill.
Daria: Excuse me. Isn't the object of the game to capture the enemy's flag?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Whatever. Move out!


"Daria: Just Add Water (#3.12)" (1999)
Woman on TV: I didn't mean to hurt him.
Daria: The knife just slipped. Sixty-seven times.

Jane: Hey, look Daria. The fog's rolling in.
Daria: Ew. That's not fog. That's methane.

Sandi: Help. Whoa, I'm drowning.
Daria: Stay there. I'll be right back.

[the school is having a casino night]
Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
Daria: Excuse me?
Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
Jane: You're not one of those "Young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
Daria: Thanks, Mr. DeMartino, but I can't. I've already reached my fun quota.
Mr. DeMartino: Well, then, you take them, Jane. For being so...
Jane: Yes?
Mr. DeMartino: Angular.

Daria: It appears the unthinkable has happened.
Quinn: Tube tops are coming back?


"Daria: Through a Lens Darkly (#3.2)" (1999)
[Daria bumps into someone she can't see, because she isn't wearing her glasses]
Upchuck: Ow.
Daria: Oh, uh, sorry, Upchuck.
Upchuck: Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need do is ask.
Daria: Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go.
[walks away]
Upchuck: You'll be back. They all come back.
Jane: Name two.
[walks away]
Upchuck: [pause] I could.

Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Going to work your way up to humans slowly?

Brittany: By the way, Daria, I just want you to know that I think it's really brave of you to get those contact lenses and admit that you care about the way you look, even just a little, because knowing that a brain can be worried about her looks makes me feel, um, I dunno, not so shallow or something. Like we're not that different, just human or whatever.
Daria: Well, thank you Brittany. You're right. We are just human or whatever.

Daria: Um, I wanted to ask your advice about something. I'm thinking of getting contact lenses.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Uh-huh. Sounds good.
Daria: It does?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Why not?
Daria: Well, isn't it kind of... vain?
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Do you have mirrors in your house, Daria?
Daria: Yeah.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Do you look in them before you go out?
Daria: Yeah.
Aunt Amy Barksdale: Well then, you're already going to hell, so you might as well get the lenses. You'll see the brimstone better.


"Daria: Cafe Disaffecto (#1.4)" (1997)
Kevin: Daria, you're a chick, right?
Daria: Why? You have a biology test today?
Kevin: Like, why should I be interested in anything this Shakespeare guy says?
Daria: You? Well... Hamlet's got a skull in it.

Jane: Do you know CPR or anything?
Daria: I once gave the Heimlich maneuver to Quinn.
Jane: Did it work?
Daria: She wasn't choking.

Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Right here and now, let's pledge to make Daria's dream a reality!
Daria: You mean... the one where people walking down the street burst into flames?

[Daria is trying to convince Jane to help her sell candy bars door to door]
Jane: No way, baby.
Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
Daria: Well, then, do it for sisterhood or something.
Jane: Are you nuts?
Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed-up tastes they have.
Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.


"Daria: I Loathe a Parade (#4.6)" (2000)
Quinn: Daria, have you seen my new Teenage Superstars magazine?
Daria: I couldn't help myself. I plastered my walls with its hot sexy pin-ups.
Quinn: I'll ask Mom.
[Quinn exits. Helen enters]
Helen: Daria, have you seen your father?
Daria: Did you look under the Teenage Superstars magazine?
Helen: I'll ask Quinn.

Lester Gupty: How can we ever repay you?
Daria: I hear uncut diamonds are as good as cash on the open market.

Lawndale Mascot: My head's too big.
Daria: That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

Ms. Angela Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, where do you think you're going?
Daria: Slowly insane. But I need to pop in at home first.


"Daria: Pierce Me (#2.12)" (1998)
[Daria is looking through a catalog of piercings]
Daria: You spelled "uvula" wrong.
Axl(Body Piercer): That's not uvula.

Daria: I am not going to pierce my bellybutton. It never did anything to me.

Trent Lane: Haven't you always wanted to get pierced?
Daria: No. It just seems too much like getting tortured for the sake of some sub-cultures notion of beauty.

Daria: I'm not pierced anymore. It closed up.
Jane Lane: You *didn't* take the ring out...?
Daria: Just for the night! I couldn't stand the itching.
Jane Lane: I've heard of fast healers, but this is ridiculous.
Daria: Gee, maybe E.T. came in my room and touched my naval while I slept.
Jane Lane: Boy, Daria, you have the weirdest sex dreams.


"Daria: Dye! Dye! My Darling (#4.13)" (2000)
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Why is everyone so mad at me?
Daria Morgendorffer: Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.
Daria Morgendorffer: Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?
Daria Morgendorffer: Exactly.
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All right then.
Daria Morgendorffer: Okay.
[they kiss]
Daria Morgendorffer: Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I liked it, too.
Daria Morgendorffer: That's not funny!
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I know.
[they kiss again]
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: That was definitely not funny.
Daria Morgendorffer: I gotta go!
[runs out of the car]

Daria Morgendorffer: So... what happens now?
Jane Lane: I was hoping you knew.
Daria Morgendorffer: Are we still friends?
[Jane doesn't answer]
Daria Morgendorffer: Are we?
Jane Lane: Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.
Daria Morgendorffer: Temporarily, right?
Jane Lane: I hope so, Daria.

Jane Lane: Maybe we'd better to talk about this later.
Daria Morgendorffer: There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional.
Jane Lane: Oh, well, in that case, I can just talk to myself about it.

Daria Morgendorffer: ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh.
Daria Morgendorffer: I didn't mean it that way.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...
Daria Morgendorffer: Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I'm sure it was just a one-time...
Daria Morgendorffer: Twice.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.
Daria Morgendorffer: Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria... nobody got killed.
Daria Morgendorffer: No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: What about Tom?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not thinking about Tom!
[sighs]
Daria Morgendorffer: You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.
Daria Morgendorffer: Who came up with that stupid arrangement?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's called life.
Daria Morgendorffer: Life sucks.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes. Sometimes... often.
Daria Morgendorffer: *That's* reassuring.
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.
Daria Morgendorffer: You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Honest?
Daria Morgendorffer: Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?
Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.


"Daria: That Was Then, This Is Dumb (#2.5)" (1998)
Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those yuppies.
Daria: Yuppies are from the '80s.
Quinn: So what do you call people with funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
Daria: Trekkies.

Jane Lane: Why are you staring at my brother?
Daria Morgendorffer: Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.
Jane Lane: Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about 10 years he should emerge as a butterfly.

Daria Morgendorffer: [while sorting vinyl records] Should I file this under self-indulgent posers, or under rated geniuses?


"Daria: The Old and the Beautiful (#3.3)" (1999)
Jane: Run down the list of causes you volunteer for again?
Daria: I protested that book burning last year.
Jane: You yelled at the TV screen.

Daria: I wonder if this has anything to do with the full day of procrastinating we just put in?

Sandi Griffin: They may be poor, but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
Stacy Rowe: Right.
Tiffany Blum-Deckler: Totally.
Daria: They may be shallow, but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
Jane: Yes it does.
Daria: Very well, I'm sold.


"Daria: Speedtrapped (#3.10)" (1999)
[Daria struggles to drive on a busy freeway]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Tense?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is.
Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not that hard.
Daria Morgendorffer: How would you know?
[tractor-trailer whizzed by blowing it's horn at her]
Daria Morgendorffer: Dah! A giant truck!

Daria Morgendorffer: [reading from Trent's song lyrics notebook] My heart is like an open wound / That reads the tea leavs of its doom
[stops reading]
Daria Morgendorffer: What?
[resumes reading]
Daria Morgendorffer: Soothe me with redemption's love / Like a heat-proof kitchen glove
[stops reading]
Daria Morgendorffer: God I hope this is a first draft.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria and Quinn are debating about picking up a hitchhiker] Mom and Dad would crucify us.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Right, but taking the car out for a hundred-mile joyride won't bother them at all. Face it, Daria, you're already accessorizing.
Daria Morgendorffer: You mean I'm an accessory.
Quinn Morgendorffer: Whatever.


"Daria: Psycho Therapy (#4.8)" (2000)
Daria Morgendorffer: Damn. I'll have to make my own breakfast.
[She pushes the toaster level down]
Daria Morgendorffer: Now I'm too tired to eat.

Dr. Jean-Michel Millepieds: Hello, Daria. I'm your one-on-one counselor. Are you playing a game?
Daria Morgendorffer: No, just talking to the computer.
Dr. Jean-Michel Millepieds: Do you always talk to your computer?
Daria Morgendorffer: Only when the refrigerator's mad at me.

Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria talking to her one-on-one counselor] Mom's resentful that she has to work so hard, which obscures her guilt about actually WANTING to work so hard. Dad's guilty about being less driven than mom, but thinks it's wrong to feel that way, so he hides behind a smoke-screen of cluelessness. Quinn wears superficiality like a suit of armor, 'cus she's afraid of looking inside and finding absolutely nothing. And I'm so defended that I actively work to make people dislike me, so I won't feel bad when they do. Can I go now?


"Daria: Groped by an Angel (#4.11)" (2000)
Daria: So now my once rational mother is telling me that I have to respect Quinn's beliefs.
Jane: Well I suppose the earth *could* be flat.

Quinn: If I hadn't got up that minute, that thing would have hit my head.
Daria: Or something vital.

Daria: [Quinn is watching TV] Quinn, you're watching an educational program.
Quinn: Eh, what's the difference? My angel is gone.
Daria: Maybe he's just stuck in the engine of a jumbo jet.


"Daria: Fire! (#4.12)" (2000)
[Daria orders an extraordinarily juicy hamburger from a hotel]
Quinn Morgendorffer: Ewww. You're not going to eat that fat, are you?
Daria Morgendorffer: No. I'm going to stick it in my boots, 'cuz I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.

[in hotel room]
Jake Morgendorffer: Look, Helen, a dimmer switch!
[plays with switch]
Daria Morgendorffer: THAT'LL make her forget the fire.


"Daria: Prize Fighters (#5.11)" (2001)
Wizard Interviewer: Ms. Morgendorffer, why do YOU deserve the Wizard Scholarship?
Daria Morgendorffer: Whether or not I deserve anything is irrelevant, assuming you run your scholarship program the same way you run your company. Since the token women and minorities you hire rarely move up into upper-management, and since I wont give the answers you want to hear in the hopes of somehow bucking the odds, I guess you can just pass on me as if I were one of your female employees up for promotion.
Wizard Interviewer: Ms. Morgendorffer, you seem to have a bit of an attitude problem, are you trying to sabotage yourself?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm responding to your questions truthfully, so I guess the answer is "yes".

Daria Morgendorffer: [In Scholarship interview, when asked of her personal weakness] My weakness is my inability to answer stock-questions with stock-answers.


"Daria: Ill (#2.9)" (1998)
Daria Morgendorffer: Look, I'm sorry about last night.
Jane Lane: Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes.
Daria Morgendorffer: You're sure that wasn't her brain?
Jane Lane: No, there was too much of it.

Brittany Taylor: [Brittany goes to visit Daria in the hospital] Daria?
Daria Morgendorffer: Brittany? What are you doing here?
Brittany Taylor: Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, but I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you doing that.
Jane Lane: We had a deal?


"Daria: Murder, She Snored (#4.4)" (2000)
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Forgive me my SUSPICIONS, but it's obvious that SOMEONE, Kevin, got a hold of the test BEFOREHAND, Kevin, which would account for the JIMMIED LOCK ON MY FILING CABINET, KEVIN!
Daria Morgendorffer: But who does he really suspect?
Jane Lane: That Jimmy guy?
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: [to Kevin] Perhaps you would like to share with us your knowledge in this matter?
Kevin Thompson: But I don't know anything!
Daria Morgendorffer: Can't accuse him of lying there.

Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Ms. Morgendorffer, where were you Monday afternoon?
Daria Morgendorffer: After watching frustrated faculty members squander yet another day trying to teach the unteachable, I went home and studied so I won't wind up in a job that combines the stress level of a neurosurgeon with the pay scale of a video clerk.
Mr. Anthony DeMartino: Your transparent attempt to derail my line of questioning with sarcasm has been noted.


"Daria: Mart of Darkness (#4.9)" (2000)
Jane Lane: [sneaks up to Andrea] Caught ya!
Daria Morgendorffer: [Andrea turns around] Andrea?
Andrea: Well, you found me... Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick who's parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else...
Daria Morgendorffer: ...I just want a shoelace.
Jane Lane: Besides, I don't think we can cut you up anymore than you just did.

Daria Morgendorffer: Tom ate your Gummi Bears even though he knew you needed them for your statue? That *was* pretty inconsiderate.
Jane Lane: Well, now that I think about it I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should have known!
Daria Morgendorffer: Definitely. Especially since they were probably right there next to your paints. Unless he eats paint too.
Jane Lane: Um... the Gummi Bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter. But they were in plain view of my statue!
[pause]
Jane Lane: I don't have a leg to stand on, do I?
Daria Morgendorffer: I'd rather not answer that, stumpy.


"Daria: My Night at Daria's (#5.12)" (2001)
Kevin: Hey, Daria's guy. Way to go, man.
Tom: Excuse me?
Kevin: You know... you did the wild walk, made a touchdown, signed the deed.
Daria: Tonight's Babble Chat was hosted by Kevin Thompson.

Daria: My hormones don't rage. Oh sure, they get mad sometimes, but then they just stop speaking to each other.


"Daria: Partner's Complaint (#4.1)" (2000)
Helen: I came in to ask you to rinse off your dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. Your father found a cheese fry melted onto his "World's Greatest Dad" cup and he thought it was some kind of rodent. Now he's sworn off coffee.
Daria: Then I should be hearing from the Nobel committee any day now.

Jodie: What should we call our company?
Daria: "Brink of Bankruptcy, Incorporated"?


"Daria: Sappy Anniversary (#5.2)" (2001)
Daria: Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and...
Helen Morgendorffer: Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything, but we're really not and it changes everything, and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares...
Daria: It's not about sex.
Helen Morgendorffer: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see." But when you're ready, please feel free to come to me. Not that there's any hurry, nor should that statement be interpreted as some kind of encouragement.
Daria: Right.

[Daria tries to repair a lover's quarrel at Tom's house]
Tom: Hey... if you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doorstep, at least come in.
Daria Morgendorffer: Well, can't resist an invitation like that.


"Daria: Fair Enough (#2.10)" (1998)
Mr. O'Neill: Now, why do you think it is that Tolstoy felt he had to make War and Peace so darned... unpleasant? Daria?
Daria: So no one would pester him to do a sequel?

[a hysterically sobbing Stacy is forced onto their Ferris Wheel car]
Daria: Wait, you can't do this.
Jane Lane: We're human beings, damn it!


"Daria: The Story of 'D' (#5.5)" (2001)
[the three J's just bought a self-published fashion magazine from Quinn]
Joey: "An Ode to Aubergine?"
Jamie: "A Good Pluck?"
Jeffy: "Please Remember to Blush?"
Jane Lane: There must be a lot going on in the boys' room that we don't know about.
Daria Morgendorffer: And really, that's as it should be.

Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing.
[Kevin and Brittany approach them]
Daria Morgendorffer: Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back.
Kevin Thompson: Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published?
Jane Lane: Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress.
Brittany Taylor: Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good?
Daria Morgendorffer: How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.


"Daria: Boxing Daria (#5.13)" (2001)
Helen: Daria, you can't spend the rest of your life in there.
Daria: I can once they put in my high-speed internet connection.

Daria: [Giving the freshmen a tour of Lawndale High] Now, over here is the lunch room. As middle school veterans, you already know that this is the center for spit balls, laughing milk up through your nose and food poisoning of every variety.
Jane: Who here wants to slip me a 20 to point out the popular tables so you can start fighting for a seat now?
[Silence]
Daria: Okay. Let's move on to hell and purgatory, also known as the gym and locker rooms.
Jane: Where, for 20 bucks, I'll show you which showers haven't been peed in... to my knowledge.
[Shocked silence]
Daria: My friend is just kidding you, of course; they've all been peed in.


"Beavis and Butt-Head: Scientific Stuff (#2.8)" (1993)
Daria Morgendorffer: But Mrs.Dickie, Beavis and Butt-Head are complete idiots.


"Daria: Art Burn (#5.7)" (2001)
Jane: You'll figure out something. Use your womanly attributes.
Daria: Gotcha. I'll give birth.


"Daria: Aunt Nauseam (#5.10)" (2001)
Jake Morgendorffer: What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the night before the battle of Chancellorsville.
Daria Morgendorffer: Well, that explains why they shot him there.


"Daria: One J at a Time (#5.8)" (2001)
Jake: I slave over a hot stove all day, and for what?
Daria: It's to keep him off the streets, right?


"Beavis and Butt-Head: U.S. History (#6.3)" (1995)
Daria Morgendorffer: You two will never graduate.
Butt-head: Never masturbate?
Daria Morgendorffer: GRADuate. As in, like finish school.
Beavis: You mean, like, school ends?
Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah.
Beavis: Cool.


"Daria: Lane Miserables (#3.8)" (1999)
Daria Morgendorffer: [Daria, trying to imagine her future, comes home to an out-of-shape Trent] Trent, honey, I'm home!
Trent Lane: Hey.
Daria Morgendorffer: Good day?
Trent Lane: Not much happened.
Daria Morgendorffer: Don't worry, Trent. I'm sure Mystik Spiral is on the brink of success...
Trent Lane: We really should change the name.
Daria Morgendorffer: ...and I don't mind working double shifts at the gene splicing lab until you make it.
Trent Lane: Face it, Daria, we're never going to get our big break. I gotta get a real job. Um, I'll need some money to get my tattoo removed.
Daria Morgendorffer: Honey, we have to save right now. Trent Junior needs glasses. Thick ones.
Trent Lane: Don't you understand? Every time I look at this stupid tattoo, it reminds me how I've wasted my life. But I'm not giving up. I'm determined to lie here on the couch until things turn around.
Daria Morgendorffer: Oh, Trent. Whatever happened to the man I married?
Trent Lane: We never got married, remember? I overslept.


"Daria: Camp Fear (#5.4)" (2001)
Amelia: This reminds me of the time you boycotted the end of summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool.
Daria Morgendorffer: Actually, I wasn't invited.
Amelia: Oh.
[laughs]
Amelia: Remember the time you took of on your horse and left us all behind.
Daria Morgendorffer: You mean the horse ran off with me on it, and tossed me in the river, and I had to get nine stitches.


"Beavis and Butt-Head: Butt Is It Art? (#4.19)" (1994)
[at an art museum]
Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!
[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria approaches them]
Daria Morgendorffer: He said master painters!
[Daria walks away]
Butt-head: Oh!
Beavis: Yeah, master painting is cool.


"Daria: Fizz Ed (#5.1)" (2001)
Daria Morgendorffer: Do you think I complain too much?
Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you bitching about now?


"Beavis and Butt-Head: Babes R Us (#2.6)" (1993)
Beavis, Butt-head: [in unison] Diarrhea cha cha cha Diarrhea cha cha cha.
Daria Morgendorffer: Get a life.


"Daria: Legends of the Mall (#4.10)" (2000)
[Jane finishing up the legend of the House of Bad Grades in Lawndale]
Jane: Scoff if you will, but every person who lived in that house ended up working at the local burger place. What do you say to that?
Daria: Scoff.


"Beavis and Butt-Head: Incognito (#3.7)" (1993)
[a bullet flies through the window of the classroom]
Mr. Van Driessen: I hope that shot didn't come from in here! Earl, that shot didn't come from your gun by any chance, did it?
Earl: Nice try, chump! I didn't shoot! Look, no powder burns! Run a ballistics check, I'm clean!
Butt-head: He was aiming at us!
Beavis: He didn't fire. Fire, fire, fire! Heh heh. Fire!
Mr. Van Driessen: Now Earl, is brandishing a weapon any way to welcome visiting scholars from distant shores? I don't think so!
Daria Morgendorffer: There's the kid!
Earl: Hey punk, you shootin' at me?
[Earl breaks the glass of the window and fires his gun out it]
Earl: Mr. Van Driessen don't like people firin' at him while he's diagrammin' photosynthesis!
Mr. Van Driessen: Now, Earl.
Earl: Aw, man.
Mr. Van Driessen: Now you can get it back at the end of the term! Earl, the safety, put on the safety!
[Earl drops the gun into Mr. Van Driessen's drawer]
Earl: I'm sorry, Mr. Van Driessen. I'm sorry!


Daria: Look Back in Annoyance (2002) (TV)
Daria Morgendorffer: I was a little less sure of myself in those days.
Jane Lane: That was before she dated four of the five members of N'Sync.
Daria Morgendorffer: No one's supposed to know that! My girl-next-door image!
Jane Lane: Oops. Um, speaking of siblings, let's take a look at the warm relationship between Daria and Quinn. Innocent, inexperienced Daria and Quinn.
Daria Morgendorffer: I'm going to tell them about you and Vince Neil.
Jane Lane: Shh!