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: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country. Butt-head
: Huh huh huh huh. He said, "extend." Beavis
: Oh, yeah.
Hoover Dam Guide
: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas? Beavis
: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?
[walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it
: Are you threatening ME?
: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room
] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to... Beavis
: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it
] Damn it. This thing is stuck. Concierge
: Sir, it's attached to the... Butt-head
: You dumb-ass, let me try. Beavis
] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.
[Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip
: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff? Butt-head
: [as soon as concierge leaves
] Some people are dumb.
: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.
Little Old Lady
: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations. Beavis
: Really? I poop too much. Little Old Lady
: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant. Beavis
: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.
: Give us the unit! Beavis
: Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
Little Old Lady
: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas? Beavis
: Yeah. We're gonna score. Little Old Lady
: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas? Little Old Lady
: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin. Beavis
: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas. Butt-head
: Cool. Little Old Lady
: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered. Beavis
: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule. Little Old Lady
: Well, that's nice.
: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks
] That was cool. Huh huh huh. Beavis
: No, it wasn't. Butt-head
: Uh, oh, yeah.
: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it! Bus Driver
: Hey, buddy, sit down. Beavis
: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored! Bus Driver
: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN! Beavis
: [motioning to Martha
] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times! Old Guy
] Oh, yeah. Beavis
: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!
: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us. Butt-head
: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus." Beavis
: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah. David VanDriessen
: Have you guys heard a word I've said? Butt-head
: Uh, yeah. Anus. Beavis
] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too. David VanDriessen
: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay? Butt-head
: What a dork.
: This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score. Beavis
: Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes. Butt-head
: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.
: You got any last words before I kill you? Butt-head
: I have a couple. Butt cheeks. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again. Boobs. Muddy Grimmes
: I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do! Butt-head
: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff. Butt-head
: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.
: Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're gonna ever score? Butt-head
: I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey. Beavis
: Shut up, dillhole. Butt-head
: Butt-dumpling. Beavis
: Turd burglar. Butt-head
: Uh, ass goblin. Beavis
: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street? Butt-head
: Uh, yeah. Beavis
: 'Cause, I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.
: You know what I'm saying? Butt-head
[in a church confession booth
: I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys? Beavis
: A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now. Man
: Um, now? Beavis
: Yeah. Do it.
[the man hits himself
: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.
: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Butt-head
: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco? Beavis
: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah. Bill Clinton
: Cool, huh? Butt-head
: Cigarettes and beer kick ass. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.
: They're here to look at the TV, Tom. Tom Anderson
: What? The TV ain't broken. Beavis
: Uh, yeah it is.
[noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window
: Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis. Beavis
: What? Butt-head
: This sucks. Beavis
: Yeah. It really sucks. Butt-head
: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.
: [over loudspeaker
] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs. Beavis
: [over loudspeaker
] Yeah. We are ready to do you now. Butt-head
: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Senators
: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
: It's like it's coming out of its ass, but then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass. Beavis
: It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass. Yeah.
[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room
] Muddy Grimmes
: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names? Butt-head
: Uh, Butt-head. Beavis
: Oh, I'm Beavis. Muddy Grimmes
: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.
[Arriving at the Hoover Dam
: We're in Washington. Butt-head
: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score. Little Old Lady
: Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam. Beavis
: No, no. We're in WASHINGTON! Butt-head
: Yeah. WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!
[Getting back on the bus
: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick. Little Old Lady
: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam. Beavis
: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.
: You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!
: Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die? Butt-head
: Uh... Probably.
: What in the hell is that damn noise?
[goes inside his camper and sees Beavis
] Tom Anderson
: What? Beavis
: Hey, how's it going? Tom Anderson
: Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that. Damn it, get out of here! Tom Anderson
: [throws Beavis out of camper
] And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hogtie you.
: Something's wrong with my butt. Butt-head
: Your butt sucks.
: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans
] Hey, you want to see something really cool?
[farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud
: Hey, Butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong. Butt-head
Ranger at Old Faithful
: There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet. Butt-head
: So? Ranger at Old Faithful
: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption. Beavis
: That's not that much, really. Butt-head
: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.
: I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her. Butt-head
: Uh, do her? Muddy Grimmes
: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal? Beavis
: Actually, we just want to watch TV. Butt-head
: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife. Beavis
: No! I wanna watch TV! Butt-head
: [slaps Beavis
] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.
: Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties. Butt-head
: Cool. I gotta take a dump.
[they go inside confession booths
: Uh... Where's the toilet?
[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her
] Dallas Grimmes
: 10 grand?
] Dallas Grimmes
: Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him. Butt-head
: You want us to do a guy? No way. Beavis
: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.
: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score? Butt-head
: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey. Beavis
: Shut up, dillhole. Butt-head
: Butt dumpling. Beavis
: Turd burglar. Butt-head
: Uhhh... ass goblin. Beavis
: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street? Butt-head
: Uh, yep. Beavis
: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes. Butt-head
] Tool. Beavis
: [after spitting soda on Mr. Anderson's TV
] Aaaahh! This crap is warm! Butt-head
: Beavis, you butthole, you broke it. Beavis
: Aaah, no! Dammit!
: [Notices a vulture tugging at his body
] Cut it out butt-hole!
: [starting to hallucinate
] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out! Butt-head
: Uh?, Okay. Beavis
: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video!
[hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body
: Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!
: Uh, do you know where Washington is? Petrified Forest Recording
: [Pointing to the desert
] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way. Beavis
: I am Cornholio!
: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us. Butt-head
: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"! Beavis
: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs* David VanDriessen
: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said? Butt-head
: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs* Beavis
: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*
: [Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them
] Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF? Beavis
: Hey Butthead it's her! Butt-head
: Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh, Dallas Grimmes
: [cocks the gun
] You got two seconds! Butt-head
: Uh, is that going to be enough time? Dallas Grimmes
: [grabs him and pulls him up to her
] Who sent you? Butt-head
: Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you Beavis
: Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah!
] Dallas Grimmes
: Muddy, son of a bitch!
: Yeah well it's like, we'd all like to go home. Hell, I'd like to go home and spank my monkey! In fact, heh heh, that's a pretty good idea. So you two have to stay here and work late. Heh heh, and, um, Butt-head is in charge, because he's got..."sen-ror-ity" or something. Heh heh. Butt-head
: Uh, cool! Huh huh huh, clean the grill, McVicker!
: Dammit, what the hell is going on here? I'm trying to watch a porno, and you fartknockers keep interrupting me!
: Hey Beavis, let's get out of here... Stewart
: Hey, no cutters buddy. Butt-head
: Shut up Stewart, come on Beavis, let's go. Beavis
: Uuuuummm, have we met before, sir? Butt-head
: It's me, you bunghole! Beavis
: Uuuummm, what's a bunghole? Butt-head
: You're a bunghole, bunghole! Stewart
: Hey, Cro magnon, you can't use a word to define one self. Beavis
: Yeah, Cro magnon. Butt-head
: I could TOO, bunghole, come on Beavis, let's go... Beavis
: Hey, let go pervert, we still have to give out Gingerbread Men. Butt-head
: Cut the crap Beavis, you still owe me a Dollar! Beavis
: Help, Help, who are you!?!
: Aaaah! Turn the TV back on! Butt-head
: No, Beavis, it's Christmas. Let's go find some chicks. Huh huh huh.
Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future)
: Dammit, Boy, I'm going to knock some sense into you even if it means sticking a Christmas tree where the sun don't shine! Beavis
: Whoa. That could hurt. Heh heh.
: In life, I was your partner. But now I'm some dead guy with cool chains. Beavis
: Really? Heh-heh. That's cool. Heh-heh-heh. Um, what are you doing in a porno? Butt-head
: I'm trying to score, what do you think? Huh huh huh. Huh-huh-huh.
[remembers his lines
: Um, oh, yeah - Tonight you will see some ghosts... or something. Huh-huh-huh. Later, dude.
: At least I'm not some old fat dude. Tom Anderson (Ghost of Christmas Past)
: At least I'm trying to help you. You ain't never helped nobody. Beavis
: Yeah, well I'd like to help you get the hell outta here. Heh heh. Tom Anderson (Ghost of Christmas Past)
: Boy I tell you what, you can lead a jackass to water but you can't make him drink.
: Dammit, McVicker, quit screwing around! Or else I'll take you out back and I'll kick your ass!
Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present)
: I want you to watch this. Beavis
: Cool. Are we gonna see some bare ass? Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present)
: No, Beavis.
: You see, Beavis, some people have very little to be happy about. But they're still celebrating the spirit of Christmas. Beavis
: He should get fired. You know, for stealing that food. Heh heh heh. Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Presnt)
: Beavis, I think you should know that this is the only food the McVicker family has to eat. And because you're such a strict boss, his children may not be around to see next Christmas. Unless, you give him a raise so he can better provide for his family. Beavis
: No way! He's stealing. And that's a crime. And you want me to give him a raise? I'll fire his ass! Van Driessen (Ghost of Christmas Present)
: Beavis, I can't force you to think a certain way, but I wish you would consider what I've tried to show you. Okay?
: Where's their kids? Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future)
: Beavis, don't you get it? They never had enough food to eat, thanks to you. Beavis
: Oh, wait a second, I get it. So they ate their kids? Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future)
: No, you idiot! They didn't have enough food for their kids. Dammit, Boy, I am trying to show you the future so you can still have time to make changes in your life and have an impact! Beavis
: The future? This isn't what the future is going to look like. It's gonna be really cool. It's gonna be like... There'll be, like, all these... like, devices... and laser guns...
Beavis Bot 7000
: I'm back. Butt-head
: Thanks, Beavis, those customers were pissing me off. Beavis Bot 7000
: Shut up, Bung-hole.
[Shoots him with laser gun
] Beavis Bot 7000
: Heh heh heh.
: Hey, Beavis, it's after midnight. Beavis
: So? Butt-head
: So it's MY turn to sleep!
: [Listening to The Nutcracker Suite
] This is pretty cool. Beavis
: It sounds like Ozzy.
[on Christmas Eve, leaving Burger World to watch porno
: I'm gonna unwrap my weiner.
: [Reading the quote carved on his grave
] Heeeere..luuuu..ieees..beeee..aaaaay..beeee..aaay..vis, Whoa, check it out, there's some dead dude with the same name as me, heee..never..scoooh..red, he never scored, heh, what a loser. Buzzcut (Ghost of Christmas Future)
: Dammit Beavis, this is YOUR grave stone, this is how you will end up if you don't make any changes in your life, and don't you see, you never did anything with your life, you never left the house, all you did was watch Pornography, and because of that, you NEVER SCORED!!!
[Pushes Beavis down the 6 ft. deep hole
: Whoa, that sucks, maybe I am a little..maybe I was too...so like maybe it's time for me to like...
[goes on til the dream fades off
: You can get a loan for big boobs? Butt-Head
: Eh, wow. Beavis
: Yeah, I'm gonna take out a loan to get a bigger schlong!
: I am Cornholio! You will name your baby Bungholio! Is he an Albino?
: Where are you taking me? Female Follower
: To the great conception. Stewart Stevenson
: Conception? Doesn't that mean something with sex? Female Follower
: Yes. Stewart Stevenson
: All right! Butt-head
: What a dumbass. Huh-huh. He thinks he's gonna score. Beavis
: Heh-heh. Really, what a dumbass. Stewart Stevenson
: Yay, sex!
: [watching a music video for a band called "Cage The Elephant"
] What does Cage The Elephant even mean? Beavis
: I think it means like choking your chicken. Butt-head
: You think everything means that. Beavis
: In this case it actually does.
: [commenting on Jersey Shore in fake Italian accent
] I have watched season 2 and 3 of Jersey Shore. I know this is not true. Beavis
: [fake Italian accent
] You are easy like whore! Butt-head
: You were not my first choice but you were definitely the sluttiest! I date you first then Snooki then JWOW.
: [commenting on a Cage The Elephant music video
] What does "Cage The Elephant" mean? Beavis
: I think it means like "choking your chicken". Butt-head
: You think everything means that. But in this case it does. Beavis
: This guy just caged his elephant.
: You will be love my bunghole, or I am the great cornholio, I need TP for my bunghole.
[eating breakfast burritos
: Ugh! What the hell is this crap? This isn't a burrito. Beavis
: Yeah. I got eggs in mine! She tricked us. Beavis
: No wonder Stewart's got diarrhea.
: I am The Great Cornholio. I need TP for my Bunghole.
: I am Cornholio! I need TP for my Bunghole. Mr. Hererra
] Senor Beavis, donde esta hall pass? Beavis
: Are you threatening me? You will give me TP, Bungholio Mr. Hererra
: Beavis, just what in the hell are you doing? Beavis
: Do not make my bunghole angry. Do you have polio? Mr. Hererra
: Get the hell out of my class and go straight to the principal's office now. Beavis
: Umm ok. The principal, he will give me TP.
[Beavis leaves and Mr.Hererra speaks to himself in Spanish
: [in the girl's bathroom
] I am Cornholio! I need T.P. for my Bunghole! Come out with your pants down!
: Have you boys eaten breakfast? Beavis
: I think I did once.
: Hey Beavis, you think she's gonna put a thermometer up his butt? Beavis
: Yeah. And then she's gonna put it in his mouth.
: Which one-a you's gonna be my bitch? Butt-head
: Uhhh... Beavis is. Beavis
: Heh heh mh heh... Yeah. Uhhh, what does that mean? Prisoner #2
: You don't wanna know, Sweet Cheeks.
[examine the bathroom pass
: It's the bathroom pass. Beavis
: Heh-heh, hm... tinkle-tinkle! Poop! Ka-plop!
[examine the stick
: It's a stick, dude. Does it remind you of something? Beavis
: Heh-heh, wood rocks!
[Use the stick on the school's ventilation fan
: Check it out, Butt-head. This is my wood. Butt-head
: No way. It's already twice as much big as it is. Let me show you.
[takes the stick from Beavis and jams the fan with it
: [Beavis puts his head inside the Spanish class door
] Señor Beavis! Que estas haciendo en mi classe? Beavis
: Heh-heh, yeah, garrandacargangorgarbangandoundara-bunhole, heh-heh! Mr. Hererra
: Get the hell out of here, Beavis!
Hardware Store Clerk
: Got a rat problem, do ya? Butt-Head
: Uh... yeah. He ate our nachos. Beavis
: [in Spanish accent
] And for that, he must die.
: Boy, Beavis, that rat dude really likes you, huh-huh. He must be like a metrosexual or something. Beavis
: Shut up, butthole!
: [after Beavis & Butthead release a seagull into the wild
] Beavis & Butthead! I hope you didn't just hear me spewing doubts and despondency about making a difference. Butt-head
: We're covered in oil. Maya
: Yes you are! You're covered in oil, and you don't care that you're not making a difference. Do you think that I've made a difference? Butt-head
: You've made a difference... in my pants. Beavis
: [commenting on a segment from Jersey Shore in which Snooki gets arrested
] WHOA! You can get arrested for being an idiot? Butt-head
: Yeah... you might want to lay low for a while, Beavis. Uh huh huh huh huh...
: [commenting on a Jersey Shore segment where Snooki gets arrested
] Whoa! You can get arrested for being an idiot? Butt-head
: You might want to lay low for a while, Beavis.
: I wonder what my butt looks like with all those stitches. Butt-Head
: Huh-huh. Probably looks like a baseball.
: I love crank, especially chasin' that white dragon. What exactly you guys holdin'? Break it out. Butt-Head
: Uh, you want to see my crank? Beavis
: Um, heh. Yeah, um, I don't show my white dragon to dudes. Yeah, heh-heh. Sorry. Butt-Head
: Uh... You've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass. Beavis
: Oh, yeah, yeah. But I don't show it to dudes on purpose. See what I'm sayin'? Not even in the gym.
: [commenting on a segment from "True Life: I Have A Foot Fetish"
] This must be this guy's job - he goes to the Red Robin and growls. Beavis
: [death metal style growl
] KRAMER PARTY OF 3 YOUR TABLE IS READY!
: Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Butt-head
: Hey Beavis... you should, like, copy your butt.
: [commenting on "True Life: I Am A Porn Addict"
] Where's this guy going to get a job? Butt-head
: He could wash dishes with one hand.
: [commenting on "True Life: I Am A Porn Addict"
] What's this guy gonna do? Butt-head
: Porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn... Butt-head
: Porn porn porn glasses. Porn porn porn get in car. Porn porn porn porn porn. Beavis
: Porn porn porn go visit my dad. Porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn porn... oh there's my sisters... porn porn porn porn... Butt-head
: This guy watches so much porn he's starting to look like a giant schlong.
: Hey, Beavis. Beavis
: What? Butt-head
: You were crying. Beavis
: Shut up, I was not crying!
: You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling and descend all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions? Butt-head
: Ahh. I got a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying? Beavis
] I was not crying! I was not crying! I'm gonna kick your ass butt-hole. Butt-head
: You were crying. Coach Buzzcut
: [Begins to restrain Beavis
] Beavis, you will kick the crap out of Butt-Head on your own time! Butt-head
: Don't yell at him too hard. Beavis
: Let me at him! Butt-head
: He might start crying.
: Let me go, I'm gonna kill you! Dammit! Butt-head
: He comes the waterworks. It's okay Beavis. It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.
: You wuss! Beavis
: Ahh! I was not crying!
: [Beavis and Butthead are both making flatulating sounds with their hands
] Hey Beavis, machine gunner. Mr. Manners
: Ahem, uhh, fellas, it is awfully rude to interrupt when it is MY turn to speak. Butt-head
: Uhhh, we were like... doing this before YOU came in sir. Beavis
: Yeah, YOU interrupted US.
: Manners are an enjoyable way to express feelings with other people. I'd like to start off with a fun activity, in which we'll be doing a little role-playing. Now I'll need a couple of volunteers. Butt-head
: Uh, pole playing? Beavis
: I can do that! Mr. Manners
: Ok. But whats the magic word? Butt-head
: Uh... Beavis
: Um..."Abracadabra"? Mr. Manners
: Now come on, what do you say when you want something? Butt-head
: Oh. Uh..."Buttwipe"? Beavis
: Yeah, give me something, buttwipe heh heh. Butthole. heh heh. "Bunghole"! Heh heh heh heh heh
: [to butthead whilst trying to teach the boys about the importance of manners
] Listen you little twerp! This is my job! This is how I make money! Don't screw with me! Now how about using some manners? Butt-head
: Manners suck! Beavis
: Hey butthead, don't screw with him! Butt-head
: Yeah, he sure does like to touch! Beavis
: Yeah, he tried to touch my weiner!
: [picking up Beavis by his shirt collar
] Don't mess with me. Mr. Van Driessen
: [Beavis screams as Mr Van Driessen walks in the room
] Hey, don't you dare touch my student. Beavis, did this man hurt you? Beavis
: Yeah, he touched my wienie. Mr Manners
: What? You little liar! Beavis
: Then he kissed me. Mr Manners
: You dirtball! Mr. Van Driessen
: Hey, you want to touch my student, then I'll touch you.
[class eggs Mr Van Driessen and Mr Manners on
] Mr. Van Driessen
: Yeah, you'll go to jail, jackass.
Woman on TV
: Nausea again. That horrible clawing, pounding, aching... Beavis
: [clutching stomach
] Yeah, yeah me too. Woman on TV
: It could be morning sickness, but what about these cravings? My god, I better not be pregnant! Get me some nachos!
] Woman on TV
: Oh, contractions, contractions! It's coming out! I can feel! Beavis
: Hey, Butt-head, when people get pregnant, they have to be chicks, right?
: Hey, Butt-head, you know how those women got pregnant, right? Butt-head
: Oh, yeah. Beavis
: They had to, like, do it, right? Butt-head
: Yeah, they did it. Beavis
: Oh yeah. I knew that. I was just like, testing you, and stuff.
Woman in store
: Girl, I cannot believe you went and got yourself pregnant. Beavis
: You can get yourself pregnant? Ahh! Give me one of those!
[snatches pregnancy test from woman and stuffs it under his shirt
: What's with you, Beavis? You look like you're pregnant.
Woman on TV
: [in labor
] Uhh! Give me another epidural, you moron! Don't you tell me I only feel pressure, I feel pain! Pain, you little turds! Ahh! Beavis
: [clutching stomach
] Ah! Contraptions! Contraptions! Ah! It's coming out, I can feel it! AH!
[runs to the bathroom
[Harry gets yet another prank call a month later
] Harry Sachz
: [answers phone
] YEAH? Beavis
: [Butthead is straining to take a dump in the john and then does so and Beavis then flushes the john
] IT'S HARRY SACHZ! Harry Sachz
[slams up the phone and then looks at Phone I.D. to trace the number that called him
] Harry Sachz
: NOW SOMEONE GONNA DIE!
[starts to dial the number that called him moments ago
: [Harry Sachz has just called the boys on his phone with his Phone I.D. and Butthead answers the phone
] Hello? Harry Sachz
: You just won yourself a free pizza. We will be happy to deliver it right over to your house. What's your address? Butt-head
: Um? Harry Sachz
: You don't know your own address? Butt-head
: Um hehhehhehhehheh! Harry Sachz
: Uh tell you what you got any mail around? Read me the address off of that. Butt-head
: [to Beavis
] Uh do we like have any mail around? Beavis
: Uh lets see.
[digs into couch
: There's that stuff we took out of Stewart's mailbox.
[pulls out stolen mail
: [to Harry Sachz
] Uh, Ok! Harry Sachz
: Good. Now, what does it say? Butt-head
: Uh, Stewart Stevenson 67 Maple Street. Now hurry up and bring over that pizza. I'm hungry.
[Butthead hangs up and Harry Sachz does too and then breaks his pencil
: Hello? Beavis
: Um, um... YOU SUCK!
: And What about paying for the class field trip? Butt-Head
: I respect your boundaries. Beavis
: Yeah, go with your anger. Butt-Head
: Uh, can I have a hug? Beavis
: Ahh! Don't touch me, asswipe. I'll wound your inner child. Then I'll kick your ass.
Mr. Van Driessen
: Well, the results are in. You guys lost with one vote. Butt-Head
: Whoa, that's close. Mr. Van Driessen
: No, Butt-Head, you only received one vote. Butt-Head
: I wonder who it was. Beavis
: It was you.
[watching the video for 'Sweet Harmony' by The Beloved
: Woah! Naked chicks! Beavis
: Where? Where? Butt-Head
: Look over there! Beavis
: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Naked chicks! Yeah! Naked chicks!
[the video starts slowly zooming out to reveal more nude women; the brightness of the video starts to fluctuate
: Look, you can see her... Woah! Look at that chick! Beavis
: Woah, check it out, Butt-Head! Check it out! Check it out! Butt-Head
: Woah! They're all naked! Beavis
: Look at that chick! Look! There's another one! There's another one! Butt-Head
: Beavis! There's, like, thirty naked chicks in this video! Beavis
: Naked chicks! Naked chicks! Butt-Head
: This is the coolest video I've ever seen. Beavis
: Yeah! Yeah! Butt-Head
: That light smoke is starting to piss me off. Beavis
: Yeah! Yeah! Butt-Head
: They must have, like, known that this music sucked, so they, like, brought in a bunch of naked chicks. Beavis
: Yeah! Yeah! They did the right thing. Butt-Head
: Woah! That chick over there on the right... she just, like, moved her arms, and you could see all her boobs! And then she turned around and you could see her butt, too! Beavis
: No way! Where? Where? Where? Where? Butt-Head
: You missed it, Beavis. Dumbass.
: Hey, Beavis. We could get rich doing this. We need to get more balls. Beavis
] You've got to hear what you just said, Butt-head. You said heh, "we need to get more balls." Butt-Head
: Huh huh huh. Oh, yeah.
: Wait a minute. These balls look kinda familiar. Butt-Head
: Uh, many balls look the same, sir. Beavis
: Yeah, I have two that are identical.
: Hey Beavis. I bet when we get that reward money, we can like, see that movie about stiffies, and we can like, pay for our own tattoos. Beavis
: Yeah! Then we'll be cool. Butt-Head
: I'll get a tattoo of a butt. Beavis
: I'll get a tattoo of a butt *on* my butt! Butt-Head
: Oh yeah? Beavis
: Yeah! Butt-Head
: Well I'll get a tattoo of a butt that has a butt-shaped tattoo on it, and I'll get it right on my butt! That would be cool. Beavis
: [briefly pauses
] Yeah, me too.
: I'm gonna get a tattoo of a butt! Beavis
: Oh yeah, well I'm gonna get a tattoo of a butt, on my butt! Butt-head
: Oh yeah, well I'm gonna get a tattoo of a butt that has a butt-shaped tattoo on it. And I'm gonna get it right on my butt! Beavis
: Yeah, me too!
[watching a Type O Negative video
: These guys remind me of Danzig and my butt. Beavis
: That's not very nice, Butt-Head. Butt-head
: Yeah it is. My butt rules!
: [watching a Nina Hagen video
] Who is this? Butt-Head
: Uh... is this that Toyota Jackson chick? Beavis
: Yeah, it's that Toyota Jackson chick dressed as Wonder Woman.
: I didn't know you were a psychic! Beavis
: Don't you remember all those tests the school nurses made me take? Butt-Head
: No, Beavis! They said you were a psycho.
: [Butthead criticizes Metallica
] Say one more bad thing about Metallica and I'll kick your ass!
: School sucks. Principal McVicker
: You watch your mouth you little pain in the ass.
: [reciting a sentence for her speech therapy class
] All right here goes. Speaking slowly as such can say just as much. Butt-head
: Whoa, huh huh, she just said "ass-munch". Beavis
: Heh heh, this chick rules. Ms. Jenkins
: Now Butt-head you try one.
[reciting another sentence
] Ms. Jenkins
: Half haste helps but whole haste hinders. Butt-head
: Whoa, she just said "butt-hole". Huh huh.
: God I've been dreading this day. Butt-head
: Yeah. Me too Beavis
: Yeah really. School Sucks! Principal McVicker
: You watch your mouth you little pain in the ass.
[Beavis in fantasy where he's a highway cop
: [over radio
] Uh, roger Baker 1. Beavis
: The suspect passed a stop sign. So I pulled him over and kicked his ass.
[Beavis kicks his ass
: [mocking The Brady Bunch theme
] Here's a story, of a guy named Butt-Head, he was horny for three very lovely girls. Beavis
: Then along came, a guy named Beavis, he was horny too.
: [after both waking up
] Hey Butt-head, I dreamt we were in school, do you think that counts for attendance? Butt-head
: I guess so, was I there? Beavis
: Yeah. Butt-head
[both fall back asleep
: Can I have her hand now? Beavis
: Yeah, can she just choke my chicken?
: What's your name? Beavis
: Jamid. Caller
: Spell that! Beavis
: I understand your frustration!
: That reminds me, Butt-Head. You have that $2 that I loaned you? Butt-Head
: Uh... I don't have it, bitch.
[punches Beavis in his face
: Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your Honor. Butt-Head
: You said "You're on her." Beavis
: Oh, yeah. You're on her. Boy, nothing gets by you, Butt-Head. You should be a lawyer.
: Beavis & Butt-head, you are the two worst students this school has ever seen! Thanks to you we could lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off! I could lose my job and my pension! Butt-head
: Uh... huh huh huh... did you say something about a "child's left behind"? Beavis
: Yeah... heh heh heh... he definitely said something about a "child's left behind"! Butt-head
: No wonder you're gonna lose your job. Principal McVicker
: SHUT UP!
: Hey Butt-head, how long 'til something cool's on TV? Butt-head
: About two hours, dude Beavis
: Hey Butt-head, how long... Butt-head
] Beavis, Shut up, or I'll kick your ass! Beavis
: Hey Butt-head, how long... Beavis
: [Butt-head slaps him
] AAARGH! This sucks!
: Thinking sucks.
: What did people do before they had TV? Butt-head
: Don't be stupid Beavis, there's always been TV, there's just a lot more channels now Beavis
: Oh yeah, progress is cool!
[a teacher asks Butt-head if he is angry for some reason
: Uhhhh... I'm, like, angry at numbers. Beavis
: Yeah, there's like, too many of them and stuff.
: Alright, what's the square root of 9? Beavis and Butt-head! Do you know the answer? Butt-head
: Uh... could you like, repeat the question a few times? Bradley Buzzcut
: The square root of the number 9! Answer! Pronto! Beavis
: Um... 60? Butt-head
: Uh... 90210? Beavis
: Yeah, um... LMNOP?
4th grade teacher
: Four plus five? Come on! FOUR added to FIVE? Beavis
: Um... w? Butt-head
: No way, Beavis! Like... two squared or something? Beavis
: This desk is giving me a stiffy! Butt-head
: I don't even have room for a stiffy!
: [the Jersey Shore cast is working at a gelato shop
] They're trying to make gelato look exciting. Beavis
: Duhnananana... orange chocolate! Duhanananana... papaya! Butt-head
: [Snooki comments about not wanting to go on Match.com again
] She went on match.com and this guy put her to work. Beavis
: [false Italian accent
] I have match for you - you and this mop. Go make with floor!
: [Snooki is reading a list of requirements for dates
] A poem by Snooki... Uh huh huh huh... Beavis
: I have that same list too, but she has to be a girl, she has to have at least one boob, and it can't be my mom. Butt-head
: I have that same list too, but it like, includes your mom.
: I don't understand the problem with teen obesity right Butt-head
: Yeah teen obesity kicks ass!
: How about your parents? Your mother, for instance. How do you feel about your mother? Beavis
: Um, like this...
[gesturing the shape of his mother's body
: Yeah. Heh-heh. Kinda like this...
[continuing to gesture
: That's not how *I* feel your mother. Beavis
: [slaps Butt-head
] Shut up, fartknocker!
[Butt-Head chokes Beavis with a grape lollipop in his hand
: Come on, Butt-head. I always get the grape. Butt-head
: It's not gonna taste like grape when it's up your butt!
: Now, tell me what you both see in these pictures here.
[Shows them ink blots
: Uuuh... it's like this... dude, and he's... uh... uno, auditioning his finger puppets. Beavis
: Yeah, he's shining his helmet, heh heh. Dr. Floss
: Hmmm, I see. O.k., and this one? Butt-head
: Whoa, he's really correling the tad-poles! Beavis
: Yeah, heh heh, he's really peelin some chilis! Dr. Floss
: ...and this one?
[shows a picture of a whole mass of ink
: Whoa, leave a little for next time dude! Beavis
: Yeah, heh heh, he's like... really having a tug-a-war with Cyclops! Butt-head
: Paper, or plastic, sir? Dr. Floss
: And how about... this one?
[Shows an autographed picture of Julio
: Uhhh, that's just a bunch of weird shapes.
: [commenting on a music video in which two guys are trashing an office building
] That's how we roll through the Century 21 branch office! Beavis
: [commenting on a segment from Jersey Shore in which the Situation is home alone and concocts a plan to feed the dog junk food so he poops everywhere
] Whoa! That's the master plan? A better master plan would be for the Situation to poop on the floor, and then blame it on the dog! Butt-head
: Whoa, Beavis, that's pretty good! You're like smarter than the Situation! Beavis
: Really? Heh heh heh...
: Heh heh, check it out, Mouse Burger, and French Flies! Butt-head
: Huh huh, cool, huh huh, extra crispy!
[At Burger World
] Tom Anderson
: Say, you boys look kinda familiar. Aren't you them kids that spray-painted my dog last week? Butt-head
: That was... uh, other kids. Beavis
: Yeah. Heh heh. Tom Anderson
: All right. Well, anyway, large fries, pie, large coffee. NOW. You got that, bubba? Butt-head
: Uh... Tom Anderson
: I didn't order an "uh"! I ordered large fries, pie, large coffee. Now, get 'em out of the fryer, and cough 'em up!
: Whoa! Hey Butthead lets see what's on TV. Butthead
: Beavis I already told you I'm not letting you touch the remote anymore. Now give me that. Butt-Knocker Beavis
: No way and stop calling me Butt-Knocker! Butthead
: Give it here before I kick your butt-knockering ass. Beavis
: Stop calling me that, Butthead, stop it Butthead
: Butt knocker Beavis
: Shut up Butthead, shut up. Ahh. I'm gonna kill you Butthead. I swear to god I'm gonna kill you. Butthead
: Oh yeah. You and what other Buttknocker. Butthead
: Buttknocker, Buttknocker, Buttknocker. I'm gonna kill you, you son of a bitch Additional Voices
: [police break open the door and arrest Beavis
] Get him! Beavis
: Ahh, let me go. I'm gonna kill Butthead, I'm gonna kill him. ahhh Butthead
: [police carry Beavis away
] That was cool
: Turn on the light, Buttknocker I can't see anything! Beavis
: Don't call me Buttknocker! Butthead
: Beavis, you butt munch, turn on the light or I'll kick your ass! Beavis
: That's better.
[turns on light
: [commenting on a segment from Jersey Shore
] Whoa! There's a law of intelligence? Butt-head
: Yeah... you might want to hire a lawyer, Beavis.
: This is an ad for one of those boner pill commercials. Beavis
: Every day millions of Americans can't get wood. Ask your doctor if Levitan is right for you. Side effects may kick ass. Butt-head
: Levitan may cause excessive vomiting, loss of vision, bluriness... Beavis
: And a boner that goes on for four hours! Butt-head
: That would be cool!
: [watching a music video
] This chick has really small nostrils. Beavis
: Anyone's nostrils would look small to you, Butthead. You look like a cow.
: [about Kato Kaelin
] You know, he seems like a great guy. Butt-head
: Yeah. He's the kind of guy you would call up and say, 'Hey, you're a great guy. Why don't you come on over and stay a while?' Beavis
: Yeah. Except he kind of looks like the ass-end of a dolphin. Butt-head
: Uh, yeah he kind of does.
: [Planning the party favors
] ... and now, all we need is some hard stuff. Beavis
: Heh heh, I got some hard stuff. Butt-head
: NO, not that, I mean booze, uno, Liquor.
: You guys will have to come to our loaves & fishes cook-out next week, deal? Butt-head
: Uh, no. Beavis
: Yeah. I'll pinch a loaf for you though.
[watching the video for "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians
: She's married to that short, old guy. Beavis
: Yeah, that dude from Africa who used to be in the Beatles.
[watching the video for 'Two Tribes' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
: This is like the ending of that 'Rocky 4' movie. Beavis
: No, wait, asswipe! That doesn't look like Mr. T! Butt-head
: No, dude! You're thinking of 'Rocky 3'. Beavis
: No, Mr. T was in 'Rocky 4'. Butt-head
: No, dumbass! 'Rocky 4' was where he kicked ass on that dude from that country. Beavis
: No, dude, that was 'Rocky 2'! Butt-head
: Which is the one where he takes a knife and kills all those dudes? That was cool! Beavis
: Yeah! That was, uh, 'Rocky 6'. Butt-head
: Yeah. 'Rocky 6' was the best one. Beavis
: Have you seen that movie, 'Rocky V'? Butt-head
: Yeah. It's not as cool as 'Rocky 5', though.
: [Being stuck in a construction pipe
] C'mon Beavis, get me out of the pipe! Beavis
: I got an idea. Butt-head
: What? Beavis
: You could like live in the pipe. Butt-head
: I dont wanna live in a pipe, buttmunch! Beavis
: But if you're stuck in a pipe they can make you go to school. Butt-head
: Oh yeah. But what about chicks? Beavis
: There's chicks in there? Butt-head
: No fartknocker! I'm talking about the chicks I'm gonna be scoring with when I get some chest hair! Beavis
: You could get the chicks stuck in the pipe with you! Butt-head
: Huh huh, that would be cool.
: [looking at a construction pipe
] I wonder if they're like pipes for water or pipes for like, crap? Beavis
: It would be cool if they had pipes with crap and turds running through them. Butt-head
: They do, dumbass. How do you think all that crap gets out of your house? Beavis
: It doesn't, it's in my basement in little jars. Butt-head
: That's pretty disgusting Beavis. Beavis
: I know.
: [coming off a coffee buzz
] Here I sit, broken-hearted, paid a quarter... Hey, got a quarter?
: I am Cornholio; I need T.P. for my bunghole. I want all your crappuccino! Butt-Head
: Do it, brother Beavis! Beavis
: Are you threatening me? You do not want to face the wrath of my bunghole! My bunghole it goes bungo chungo rungo raaaaapapapapapapa! And one for you! Rrrrpagh!
: Where's the bathroom around here? Heh-heh. Butt-head
: Uh, I don't know. Huh-huh. I think they call is something else in the Army. Like the mess hall, or something. Beavis
: Really? That's disgusting. Heh-heh.
: Well, check it out. Heh-heh. I think this Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes. Butt-head
: Cool. Beavis
: Where's the prostitutes? Yeah. Heh-heh. Butt-head
: Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first. Beavis
: Heh. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Heh-heh. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.
: You two will never graduate. Butt-head
: Never masturbate? Daria Morgendorffer
: GRADuate. As in, like finish school. Beavis
: You mean, like, school ends? Daria Morgendorffer
: Yeah. Beavis
[Mr. Van Driessen asked Butt-head to give his history report
: No! I wanna give my report first! Ok, my anal report... I mean, oral report, is on the time me and Butt-head had dinner and stuff. Mr. Van Driessen
: What does that have to do with US history? Beavis
: Shut up, I'm not done yet!
[after being sucked up into a tornado
: This sucks! We were gonna do it! Butt-head
: You mean *I* was gonna do it. Beavis
: No you weren't. You were just gonna spank your monkey. Butt-head
: You wish, dillweed.
: Tornadoes are cool, they can drive matches through a 2x4. Butt-head
: Yeah, a tornado can smash a poodle's face with a brick. Beavis
: They can suck a heart out of a man's chest and show it to him before he dies.
: [back at their house watching TV
] Whoa look! He's got a knife! I bet we're gonna see some violence. Butt-Head
: [slaps Beavis
] It's a cooking show, Dumbass He's just gonna like cut food with it. Beavis
: Dammit Butt-head change it back or I swear I'll rip your bung-hole off!
[wrestles Butt-head on the ground
: I'm gonna kick you in the nads! Butt-Head
: I'll rip your face off and shove it up your butt!
: Dammit this wussy crap is pissing me off! C'mon, c'mon get violent! Yeah, I wanna see some violence! Butt-Head
: Beavis, you dumbass, it's just a kids show. Here I'll find something violent. Beavis
: [Tries to take the remote from Butt-head
] No, I wanna do it. Give me that you son of a bitch. Butt-Head
: Dammit Beavis, I'm gonna shove this remote control right up your butt.
[They start to fight each other
] Stuart Stevenson
: So what's your name? Butt-head
: Joe Substitute Teacher
: Joe What? Butt-head
: Joe Mama Substitute Teacher
: That's funny!, How about you? What's your name? Beavis
: Umm... Jack... Jack Mama. Substitute Teacher
: Well you can't blame someone for trying.
[watching the video for 'Break Up Your Band' by Chavez
: Y'know, it's like, this video's cool. It's got something for everyone. Y'know, like, whatever you're into, like if you're into a dude wiggling his butt around, they've got that. Beavis
: No thanks. Butt-head
: If you're into lions, they've got that. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if you're into horrible music, they have that, too. Yeah, something for everybody. Butt-head
: Everybody sucks! Beavis
: Yeah. Everybody is stupid.
: You're watching PBS. Butt-head
] He said BS. Beavis
: Yeah, um... but first, he said "pee."
: [watching a music video called Tales From the Hard Side
] Tales From the Hard Side? Is that like... stories about stiffies? Beavis
: Yeah. It's like, "Once upon a time, I had a stiffy, and I lived happily ever after. And that's my tale from the hard side. Thank you, I'm Beavis. Good night." Butt-head
: If I had a story for every stiffy I ever had, I'd have, uh... several stories. Beavis
: Yeah! Yeah, me too!
] Beavis! Beavis! I'm choking! Beavis
: Yeah, so. What do you want me to do about it? Butt-head
: Call 911! Beavis
: Why don't you call? You're closer. Butt-head
: You're closer, dumb-ass. Beavis
: Oh, yeah.
: 911, what's your emergency? Beavis
: Butt-head's choking... on chicken. 911 Operator
: Ok, have you heimliched the victim? Beavis
: Did I lick his rectum? NO WAY! Well one time we were playing truth or dare and... 911 Operator
: Sir, do you want to save your friend's life? Beavis
: Ummmmmm, he's not really my friend.
[Tom Jones is on TV
: Prince sure is old! Beavis
: Yeah... and he's white! Butt-Head
: Yeah, he has that disease. Like Michael Jackson. Beavis
: Yeah, he got it from Prince.
[watching the music video for 'You Might Think' by The Cars, which features a clip of the band singing while floating on a sponge in a bathtub
: Woah, Butt-Head! How do they do that? Butt-Head
: They have all this, like, complicated stuff and it makes the TV do, like, things that look weird. It's cool. It's called "special defects". Beavis
: Yeah. Cool.
: Mr McVicker, what are we going to do with you? We tried everything from group counselling to physical isolation. Beavis
: Did you try kicking him in the nads? Additional Voices
: That doesn't sound like a bad idea. Butt Head
: Are gonna like use a straight jacket? Beavis
] Yeah, Yeah straight jacket.
[McVicker gets up and strangles Beavis
: Ahh! He's trying to kill me! Additional Voices
: Nurse, restrain him!
: [examining McVicker
] I want him prepped for electro-shock therapy, now! Butt Head
: Whoa! Electro-shock therapy? Beavis
: Yeah, yeah this is gonna be cool!
Voice on T.V. Ad
: [on T.V
] Imagine yourself, your own finger, luxuriously touched with the new karat gold Cubic Zerconium. Beavis
: [on the phone
] hello, yeah, I'd like to order one of those... Pubic... Zercroniums.
: Hey, isn't there like... a word for it when something happens, you know like, when you don't expect it? Stewart
: You mean... ironic? Butt-head
: No way, peckerbutt! It's like, an English word! Beavis
: Uh... cool? Butt-head
: Yeah! That's it! It was cool!
[at an art museum
] Mr. Van Driessen
: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!
[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria approaches them
] Daria Morgendorffer
: He said master painters!
[Daria walks away
: Oh! Beavis
: Yeah, master painting is cool.
[watching the video of "Heart-Shaped Box" by Nirvana
: I'm gonna fix up my room just like this. It's gonna be cool. Butt-head
: No, you're not. You're not going to fix up your room, and you're never gonna score. Beavis
: Shut up, Butt-head! I am too gonna fix up my room.
: Hey Beavis, I heard that if you like push a cow while it's sleeping, cool stuff happens. Beavis
: Like what? Butt-head
: Err, it falls over.
: Getting kicked in the nads by a cow sucks. Butt-head
: Uh, that's not a real cow, dude. That's like a deer.
: [on the answering machine of Stewart's parents after Beavis and Butt-Head have "kidnapped" Stewart
] Uhhhh, we're the kidnappers and we want uhhhhhh... money, uh call us back immediately. Beavis
: Disguise your voice. Butt-head
: Huh?... Shut up Beavis.
: [watching Family Matters on Butt-Head's couch
] Ha-ha-ha. C'mon over guys. Butt-head
: This sucks. I can't take it anymore. Beavis
: Yeah. Let's call his mom. Butt-head
: I already called ,like,
[holds up five fingers
: this many times. Beavis
: Maybe his parents don't want him back. Butt-head
: [looks over at Stewart
] Would you?
Principal Mc. Vicker
: [Approaches the scene with a crutch, and broken limbs
] Uhhh, well, I sure hope you two learned a lot from our visit with the President today. Butt-head
: Uhhh, oh yeah, we learned a lot. Beavis
: Yeah, like if you don't have a pass, you get the crap kicked outta you. Butt-head
: ...and if you do have a pass, the President of the United States will KISS your BUTT!
: Did you boys have a question? Butt-head
: Uh, since you're like the President and in charge of the army and stuff, could you like invade some country and set it on fire? And you could like fly over the country in a chopper with a loud speaker and you could yell...
[in a russian accent
: "I am the President of the United States. The most powerful nation on earth. And you must bow down and kiss my butt!" Beavis
: Yeah. Heh-heh. The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!
: [watching a Tom Petty video
] Hey Butt-head, how come Tom Petty is famous? Butt-Head
: Because he's on TV, dumbass. Beavis
: Yeah, but like... but how did he get on TV? Butt-Head
: Uh... because he's famous. Beavis
: Yeah, but, I mean, like, how did he get famous? Butt-Head
: He got famous because he's on TV. Beavis
: YEAH, YEAH, BUT HOW DID HE GET ON TV? Butt-Head
: Because he's famous, Beavis! Now shut up before I smack the bejesus out of you!
: Right now, I'm being sexually harassed by Kimberly. Kimberly
: WHAT? Beavis
: Yeah, me too, she's giving me a stiffy. Butt-Head
: Yeah, and it makes it like uncomfortable to work and stuff. Usually harasses me at least once a day. Beavis
: Four or five times for me, sir.
: [in unison
] Diarrhea cha cha cha Diarrhea cha cha cha. Daria Morgendorffer
: Get a life.
: I think he's talking about humping a hound. Beavis
: Really, heh heh? That would be cool. Butt-head
: It would?
: [the boys dressing up as ghosts using bedsheets
] Umm... These sheets smell funny. Butt-head
: Yeah, Huh Huh. These are my special monkey sheets. Beavis
: [Beavis tries to get it off of himself
] Aggh! Dammit! Get it off me! Ah Aggh!
: [stops his car
] Hey man, move your ass out of the street. Beavis
: [as Cornholio
] Are you threatening me? Todd Ianuzzi
: [grabs Beavis ready to punch him
] What did you say, punk? Beavis
: Do not underestimate the powers of the all mighty bunghole Todd Ianuzzi
: [Todd's gang joins him
] This is messed up man.
[Butt-Head laughs as Todd prepared to kick Beavis' ass
[digging for oil in their backyard
: Hey, Beavis. We're in a hole. Huh-huh.
[Beavis hits a pipe with his shovel
: Hey, Butt-head. I just felt something. Butt-head
: [thinking he meant a boner
] Uh, okay. Beavis
: No, Butt-head. I felt something with my shovel.
[Beavis hits the pipe and makes a hole in it. Sewage starts coming out
: Oil, Butt-head. It's oil. We've struck oil. Butt-head
: Cool. Bubblin' crude. Beavis
: Texas tea. Butt-head
: Oil smells like turds. Beavis
: Yeah. That's probably why it's so expensive.
: [while watching Dog Eat Dog's "No Fronts" video
] Aspen Extreme. Beavis
: That movie sucked! I sat through that whole damn sucky movie for two hours, and that chick never got naked! Butt-head
: Yeah. Beavis
: How could she not get naked when they put the word "ass" right in the title? Butt-head
: It's a good thing we snuck in to see that movie, because if I had to pay to see it, I would have been kicking ass all over the place.
: Hey Beavis, I just made my pants even more dirtier. Beavis
: Hey, look out the window. Those people can see us. Butt-head
: Yeah. To them, my face looks like a sock.
[shoves Mr.Anderson's dog in the dryer
: Washing the dog! Washing the dog! Washing the dog! Washing the dog!
: [Beavis is watching a televised surgery on TV while Butt-Head is in the bathroom
] Butt-Head! Butt-Head! Come here, quick! Bare ass on TV!
: Shut up Butthead, or I'll kick your ass again!
: [watching a music video
] Did you know that this girl's name is Chick? Beavis
: Whoa, really? Butt-head
: Yeah. That's pretty cool 'cause her name is Chick and she's a chick. So you'll never forget her name. Beavis
: Maybe I should change my name to Dude. Butt-head
: Yeah, or maybe you can change it to Dumbass.
[Talking about a scat video
: They should have a name for this kinda of music. Butt-head
: They already do, Beavis: crap.
: [standing up on a chair with a short skirt
] And now you can see the inherit beauty of the dewey decimal system Butt-head
: [walks towards her and looks up
] I see the beauty Beavis
: Oh yeah!
Mr. Van Driessen
: OK, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report? Butt-head
: [awakens Beavis by slapping him
] You're next, dillhole! Mr. Van Driessen
: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most! Beavis
: Um... oh yeah... OK. Mr. Van Driessen
: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female! Beavis
: Oh yeah! Um, uh... oh yeah. My mom! Butt-head
: You wuss. Mr. Van Driessen
: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's. Butt-head
: The woman I admire most, is... uh... Beavis's mom.
[at Burger World
: Are your shakes made with real milk and ice cream? Or do you use that reconstituted shake mix stuff? Beavis
: Yeah. Huh, huh, huh, huh. Customer
: What do you mean? Yeah, you use the shake mix, or yeah, you use the real stuff? Beavis
: Yeah. Hhm, hhm, heh, huh. Customer
: Let me talk to the manager. Beavis
: Yeah. Hhm, hhm, heh, huh.
[Butt-Head shows up
: I'm the Assistant Manager, sir. Is there something I can help you with? Beavis
: Yeah. Hhm, hhm, heh, huh. Customer
: Yes. I am trying to ask a very simple question here. Are your shakes made from shake mix or from ice cream and milk? Butt-head
: Uh... we have vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. Beavis
: Yeah. Hhm, hhm, heh, huh. Customer
: Forget it. Forget it. God, can't you idiots answer a simple question? I'll go somewhere else. God, morons. A couple of imbeciles.
: Let's go break something. Beavis
: Yeah. Hhm, hhm, heh, huh.
[about "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
: Look, this video has symbols. Huh-huh-huh. Beavis
: Yeah, mhm, is that what it means when they say "videos have symbolism?" Butt-head
: Huh-huh-huh, you said "ism." Huh-huh-huh-ha-huh.
: [snaps out of another food talking to him and continues walking
] No. Doctor
: And most of all, keep that anger of yours in check.
[Beavis and Butt-Head are seen driving Billy Bob's scooter
: Doughnuttttttttttt. Billy Bob
: [enraged to see the boys riding his scooter
] They DIEEEEEE! Butt-Head
: [Beavis and Butt-Head screams as Billy Bob smashes through the wall to chase them
] huh huh, punch it Beavis!
: [after Billy Bob suffers a Heart attack, and passes out
] whoa, the fatter they are, the fatter they fall. Beavis
: He's got a Wallet. Butt-Head
: Ewww, He's breathing... Huh huh, better zap Him.
[Butthead plugs one of the Motor carts broken Wires in an outlet, and Zaps Billy Bob
] Billy Bob
] ... and don't skimp on the grayvay! Butt-Head
: Whoa, were Heroes Beavis, we saved a Life, and we got Eleven bucks out of his shorts!
[They both start playing air guitar
[watching a car race on TV
: This is stupid. Bunch of dumb-asses going around in circles. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's stupid! It's, like, just a bunch of dumb-asses going around in circles!
[a car crashes, creating a fire
: Woah! This is the coolest show in the history of television. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah! It's like, it's like, it's the coolest show in the history of television! Butt-Head
: Dammit, Beavis, why do you always do that? Beavis
: Why do, why do I always do what? Butt-Head
: How come everytime I say something you, like, say the same thing? Beavis
: How come everytime before *I* say something, *you* say the same thing? It's, like, you just do it first! Bunghole! Butt-Head
: See, Beavis, you just did it again! Beavis
: See, see, *you* just did it again! Butt-Head
: Dammit, Beavis. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah, see! That's what I was gonna say! Yeah! I was gonna say, "Dammit!"
: Ehh... Hey, Beavis, I'm a big, stupid butthole and my mom's a slut. Beavis
: Um, yeah, yeah, I was just gonna say, "You're a big stupid butthole!" And... and my mom's a slut.
[watching the video for Del Amitri's 'Roll with Me'
: Oh, no. This video freaks me out. It's like, y'know, I get all excited when I see the chicks, and then I see these stubby dudes and it makes my... makes my testes retract to my globules. Butt-Head
: Yeah. It gives me a special feeling in my seminiferous tubules.
: [while watching the video to "NWO" by Ministry, Beavis had commented that it would be cool to see somebody puke. They do
] Yeah, but not blood. That goes against the boundaries of good taste. Kids might see that.
: Hey Beavis huh huh huh. What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive huh huh huh? Beavis
: Nah nah nah what nah nah nah? Butt-head
: Huh huh huh Popeye got pissed. Huh huh huh get it? Beavis
: Yeah nah nah nah.
: Damnit, Beavis we've got a room full of chicks here who do it for free and all you can think about it how come there aren't more guys here? Beavis
: Well, yeah, how come? Butt-head
: Beavis, I'm a little disappointed in you.
: [Sneaking up behind Beavis and Butthead as they both watch the Movie at the Drive Inn
] You Boys ready to Die? Beavis
] Aaaaaaaah, Butt Woman!
: [watching an INXS video
] Is this, like, satanic music? Beavis
: No, because it's not really that good. Butt-head
: Hey, Beavis, if you play this backwards, it says "this sucks."
: [the boys learn the woman posing as a prostitute is an undercover cop
] So you mean you're just a cop? Undercover cop
: Yes. Butt-head
: If you're a cop why don't you get rid of this dork so we can get it on? Cop
: Look, you're lucky you didn't get arrested. Beavis
: Do they have any real prostitutes around here? 'Cause I still have a stiffy.
[watching a Donny Osmond video
: Did you know that their dad, Lee Harvey Osmond, like, killed one of the Presidents or something? Beavis
: And I heard the entire Osmond family's a bunch of Morons. Butt-head
: It's Mormons, buttwipe. Those are those dudes who come up to your house on their bicycles. Beavis
: Is this the Moron Tabernacle Choir? Butt-head
: I hate this Moron music.
: [Watching a Snoop Dogg video
] I'm a G. I'm a straight G. Butt-head
: Yeah, you're a G for 'Gonad'. Uhuhuhuh. Beavis
: Shut up Butt-head. You might get smoked if you keep that up. Hehe. Watch your back homey. Hehe. Butt-head
: Uhuhuhuh. Beavis
: Hey Butthead. Did you know I'm from Compton? Hehe, yeah. Butt-head
: Damn it Beavis, shut up. You're not from Compton. Beavis
: No way, Butt-head! I'm serious. I was kickin' it on the street. Hehe. It was hard times. Hehe yeah. I used to drink gin and juice, it was cool. Butt-head
: Beavis, you're a white wussy from right here. Beavis
: No way Butt-head, you don't know, you weren't around then. Me and Snoop, we used to go to the Compton swap meet together. Ehehehe. Butt-head
: Beavis, you used to go to the flea market with your mom. Beavis
: No way Butt-head. I wear this shirt see, because these are my colors. Hehehe, yep. I'm a straight G. Butt-head
: Beavis, shut up. Beavis
: Yep, going down to the Compton swap meet with Snoop, you know, sometimes I used to kick it with Dre. Yeah. Hehe. Butt-head
: Beavis, shut up. You've never been to Compton, you're never gonna go to Compton, you're gonna be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money, and you're never gonna score. Beavis
: Umm, oh yeah. Hehe.
[watching a Lenny Kravitz video
: Lenny rules. Beavis
: What are you talking about? I mean, Lemme does rule, but what does Motorhead have to do with this video? Butt-head
: Not Lemme, dumbass. Lenny.
Mr. Van Driessen
: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood. Butt-head
: Beavis wrestles with his manhood. Beavis
: Heh-heh... Yeah, and I usually win.
: I heard on MTV News that this dude's dad
[Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys
: writes movies. Beavis
: What do you mean he writes movies? You can't read a movie. Butt-head
: No, it's like he writes what they say. Beavis
: You mean he just like goes to movies and sits there and writes down everything they say? Butt-head
: No, he writes it down before they say it. Beavis
: Well, how does he know what they're gonna say? Butt-head
: He just like makes it up. Beavis
: Really? Well, anybody can do that!
[they're watching the video for Rush's "Stick It Out"
: [about guitarist Alex Lifeson
] The guitarist is pretty cool. Butt-head
: Yeah, if you happen to be a wuss.
: Hey Beavis, this video tells a story! Beavis
: Yeah, I'm pitching a tent! Butt-head
: This story sucks! Butt-head
: Change it!
[watching the video for "Real Love" by Slaughter
: Whoa, that's that Brenda bitch from Beverly Hills 9-0-2-3-5-8-7-8-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-82-65...
[Butt-head smacks him in the head
: Aaaa! 2-1-0. Heh-heh-heh.
David Van Driessen
: What really happened? Butt-Head
: Oh. Uh, we fed it and watered it and like tried talking to it and stuff, but it just had a bad attitude about growing. Beavis
: Yeah. It's, like, one those problem plants. David Van Driessen
: Well, I can't fail you for trying, but what's that awful smell? Butt-Head
: Oh, yeah. After it stopped growing, Beavis fertilized it.
: [the boys are calling a phone sex line
] Don't use our real names, dude. Butt-head
: Uh... I'm Beavis, and this is Butt-head.
[after being told that they just made a citizen's arrest
: That cop said that we can like arrest people, because we're citizen's. Beavis
: Yah, hmm hmm. Cit-E-Sins. Butt-head
: Uh huh huh. Beware the long arm of Butt-head. Beavis
: Yah, Beware the long wiener of Beavis.
: Hey, Butt-Head, I think I found some more couch bait. Butt-Head
: Whoa, I heard you get a wicked head rush if you breath prune box air. Beavis
: [sniffs the prune box
[greets the class in Spanish and walks up to Beavis and Butt-Head with a card with the phrase Juan es alto
] Mr. Hererra
: Senor Butt-Head, como es Juan? Butt-Head
: Uhhhh Burritos. Mr. Hererra
: No. No. No. Como es Juan? Como es Juan? Butt-Head
: Uhhh guacamole. Mr. Hererra
: No. No. No. Senor Beavis, como es Juan? Beavis
: Umm spaghetti.
: Spaghetti? Mr. Hererra
: Spaghetti. That's Italian, you moron. Damn it, you idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell. And Beavis couldn't get that right. I'm gonna give you little bastards just 10 seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking.
] Mr. Hererra
: Well I'm waiting. Butt-Head
] Uh, rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Mr. Hererra
: [hearing the class laugh and points to the door
] Principal's office, Now! Beavis
: [gears turning in his head and smiles
] Uhh Taco supreme.
] Mr. Hererra
: [the class continues laughing
] Get out! Now!
: You're on the air! Butt-head
: [on phone
] Whoa! Am I on the air? Beavis
: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone. Ian
: [to Beavis and Butt-head
] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit? Chazz
: So, what do you guys want? Butt-head
: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right? Chazz
: Yes. Butt-head
: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck! Rex
: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks! Chazz
: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass. Butt-head
: Why don't you make the chicks get naked? Beavis
: Yeah, yeah! Naked!
: Sometimes chicks like it when you get, like, all sensitive and stuff. Beavis
: Um, how come you, like, know so much about chicks but then you never get any chicks? Butt-head
: Well, I wasn't born on a barn, but I can choke my chicken.
: You see. Are these the kind of kids you want? We need teachers who are not afraid to use dicapline. Coach Buzzcut is an excellent example! Butt-Head
: No way. Buzzcut is always screaming at us and kicking our asses. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah um, um,. Once he-ah, he- ah he hit me and uh he threw me into a locker and then he kicked me. Principle McVicker
: What! You're lying. That's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to you! Now get the hell out of here! Additional Voices
: Principal McVicker it is completely unnecessary to talk to students like that. Principle McVicker
: What? Shut up! What do you know? Additional Voices
: I think you're out of line! Principle McVicker
: Out of line my ass! I'm gonna kill'em and then I'm gonna kill you!
[a fight begins
] Principle McVicker
: You bastard! Butt-Head
: Woah! Beavis
: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Take him outside and kick his ass! Butt-Head
: This is cool.
: [watching a Janet Jackson music video
] Uh, "Hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of cokes, and a bunch of whores." Beavis
: Yeah! "And a side order of *Poop*!" Butt-head
: Uh, what did you say, Beavis? Beavis
: Um, y'know, I was just saying..."And a side order of *Poop*!" Butt-head
] Oh, boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.
: [Beavis starts hitting Butt-Head with a fly swatter
] Ow! What the hell are you doing, asswipe. Beavis
] I'm kicking the bugs ass. yeah, yeah Butt-Head
: I'm gonna kick your ass, fartknocker.
[Kicks Beavis in the testicals
: Ow! Butt-Head
: Now get up.
: [the Security Guard fixes to punish Beavis and Butthead for destruction of the Men's Bathroom as well as the Snack Bar, only He accidentally shoots His Foot attempting to pull out His Gun
] Whoa, check it out, Toes! Butt-head
: Cool, huh huh, check it out, this Piggy went to Market, and this Piggy went Home, and this Piggy had Roast Beef, and "this" Piggy shot a big ass hole through his Foot, huh huh! Beavis
: You're a Genius, Butthead!
[the boys are watching a video where the lead singer is a bit heavy
: I think these guys played at the State Fair last year. Butt-head
: Yeah, they won a blue ribbon in the pig contest.
: [Beavis and Butt-Head are watching a Korn music video
] I think there's a problem with this video, as it is highly derivative of many popular bands within the genre, although when viewed on its own merit, it does have a decent groove. Butt-head
: Uh, Beavis? Beavis
: However, what it has in groove, it lacks in originality. Butt-head
: What's your problem, Beavis? Beavis
: One can't help but be reminded of such bands as Pearl Jam, White Zombie, Suicidal Tendencies, and other bands that bear the mantle of so-called alternative rock. Butt-head
: You're talking like a dumbass. Beavis
: One is even reminded of Laurie Anderson when she wore curlers. This video speaks less to the heart, and more to the sphincter. Butt-head
[slaps Beavis several times
: Uh, Beavis, did you cut the cheese? Huh huh huh. Beavis
: Uh, heh heh, I don't think so. Child
: The baby's diaper is dirty. Butt-head
: Oh really? Huh huh huh, that's cool. Beavis
: Yeah, I'm tellin' ya, Butt-Head, that kid kicks ass. Child
: Read me a story. Butt-head
: No way, you don't have to read if you're not in school, dude. Huh huh huh.
[watching the video for "Man in the Box" by Alice in Chains
: Check it out. They put this dude in a fence. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. Fences are cool. Butt-head
: Especially electric fences. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah.
[starts busting a rhyme
: When I was little and had no sense, I took a whizz on an electric fence. It hurt so bad, It shocked my balls. Then I took a crap in my overalls. Butt-head
: Woah. That was pretty cool. Beavis
: Yeah. Heh-heh-heh. Yeah.
: [while watching the video for "Here We Go" by Stakka Bo
] Hey Butt-Head, Ace of Base sucks. Butt-head
: This isn't Ace of Base, Beavis. Beavis
: I know that, I just wanted to say that Ace of Base sucks. I mean, these guys suck too, but Ace of Base, oooh, they suck.
: Damn it. We're back, and Van Driessen got born. Beavis
: That sucks. I thought we blocked him from scoring. Butt-head
: We should've kicked him in the nads and broke his weiner.
: Hey Stewart, after we get out of here, can you help us get some more porn? Beavis
: Yeah, yeah. This time get us more butt-shots.
: [sees that Beavis and Butthead have broken bottles they were playing with
] You kids are gonna pay for those! Butt-head
: No problem, dude. You want cash or shall we just go spank the monkey again? Man in sperm bank
: What the hell? THESE are the boy geniuses you were talking about? What's so funny, you little twerps? I'll spank your monkeys!
[Man slips on a piece of broken glass and falls on his back
: Hey Beavis. Beavis
: What? Butt-head
: He's fallen, and he can't get it up!
: [watching the music video for "Bell Witch" by Mercyful Fate
] Woah, check it out, Butt-Head, it's the turd burglar! Butt-head
: Uh, you mean the Hamburglar, dude. Beavis
: No, he's the turd burglar.
: [Beavis and Butt-Head are watching a Radiohead music video
] Let's get a little mellow. Beavis
: Sometimes, if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.
[watching a music video by Iggy Pop
: I'm going to get a map, find Butt Town and go there. Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Beavis
: Hey Butt-Head, can I go to Butt-Town? Mmm-heh-heh-heh. Mmm-heh-heh-heh. Butt-head
: No way Beavis. Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.
[Beavis and Butt-Head arrive at the vet's with a wounded baby bird
: [not noticing the bird; sees a bruise on Beavis' forehead
] We don't treat humans here. Butt-Head
: Uh... He's not human. Receptionist
: Whatever. Butt-Head
: Then, uh... Where's the garbage? Receptionist
: [sees the bird in Butt-Head's hand and hands him a form
] Oh! Fill this out and go wait in there. Beavis
: You have to fill out a form just to throw something in the garbage? That sucks! Butt-Head
: Beavis, you're a stupid dumb-ass.
: Ummm I killed a bunch of people once.
[the polygraph acts haywired and Beavis sucks it in. He's later arrested
: Whoa! We're, like, stranded on our own island! Beavis
: Yeah! With no school! No old people! Butt-head
: No goats, no boats, no motorcars, not a single yes-siree! Beavis
: Yeah, yeah! Just like on Star Trek! Butt-head
: This is gonna be cool!
: This sucks!
: I hope there's a human head inside! Butt-head
: Yeah. Or maybe a human butt.
: [seeing Beavis and Butthead eating food in the store
] Hey, are you gonna pay for that? Butt-head
: I guess. Maxi-Mart Clerk
: Oh yeah? Well you guessed right. Butt-head
: Oh yeah? What do I win?
[a Biker Lady enters the store and Beavis and Butthead see her
: Whoa! Beavis
: Hey Butthead, I'm getting a stiffy! Butt-head
: Me too! Friday night is cool!
[Beavis and Butthead play air guitar
Burger World Manager
: You don't get workers compensation for fighting, it has to be an accident. Beavis
: You mean we, like, need to poop in our pants?
[watching the video for 'Dancing with Myself' by Billy Idol
: This guy does everything by himself. Butt-Head
: Hey, I detect masturbatory overtones. Beavis
: [to the tune of the song
] Playing with myself, oh-oh! Playing with myself! Butt-Head
: He's talking about choking his chicken. Beavis
: Yeah. He's talking about spanking his monkey.
: We've heard there's a man named Todd at this house. Butt-head
: Uh, sorry sir, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to kick your ass. Beavis
: Yeah! I'm gonna kick you in the nads!
[Cop beats up Beavis and Butt-head
: Good evening. I'm Butthead. The movie you are about to see will be presented using special 3-D technology. You will see the Jackasses as you have never seen them before. Uh huh huh huh. In three dimensions! Uh huh huh huh. Beavis
: In order to experience this three dimensional technology, you must put on the special glasses you were given in the lobby. Um heh heh heh it doesn't look any different. Butt-Head
: Whoa Beavis - look at my hand! It's in 3-D!
[forms a fist, punches Beavis
: Really? Whoa! That's amazing! It felt like you really hit me! It's almost as if your hand...
[Butt-Head repeatedly punches Beavis and vice-versa
: Sit back and enjoy the movie.
[Butt-head slaps Beavis
: That was definitely 2-D. Heh heh heh. Butt-Head
: [having put tampons in their noses to stop the bleeding
] I feel kinda fresh. Uh-heh-heh-heh. Beavis
: Yeah - and free! Butt-head
: Let's go play some tennis. Uh-heh-heh-heh. Beavis
: Yeah. And then we can go... heh-heh-heh... horseback riding.
: Face it Beavis, you have a problem with your penis. Maybe you should wash it or something. Beavis
: With water? No way, then it'll get all wet. Butt-head
: Life is hard Beavis.
[a bullet flies through the window of the classroom
] Mr. Van Driessen
: I hope that shot didn't come from in here! Earl, that shot didn't come from your gun by any chance, did it? Earl
: Nice try, chump! I didn't shoot! Look, no powder burns! Run a ballistics check, I'm clean! Butt-head
: He was aiming at us! Beavis
: He didn't fire. Fire, fire, fire! Heh heh. Fire! Mr. Van Driessen
: Now Earl, is brandishing a weapon any way to welcome visiting scholars from distant shores? I don't think so! Daria Morgendorffer
: There's the kid! Earl
: Hey punk, you shootin' at me?
[Earl breaks the glass of the window and fires his gun out it
: Mr. Van Driessen don't like people firin' at him while he's diagrammin' photosynthesis! Mr. Van Driessen
: Now, Earl. Earl
: Aw, man. Mr. Van Driessen
: Now you can get it back at the end of the term! Earl, the safety, put on the safety!
[Earl drops the gun into Mr. Van Driessen's drawer
: I'm sorry, Mr. Van Driessen. I'm sorry!
Gas Station Attendant
: Hey, you punks! Quit jumping on my bells, or I'll give you something to jump about. Butt-Head
: Did he say "Quit jumping on my balls?" Beavis
: QUIT JUMPING ON MY BALLS!
: Err... , we'd like to have some money. Bank Clerk
: A withdrawl? How much for? Butt-head
: Err... , we'd like a million dollars. Beavis
: Yeah, hum hum, me too. Bank Clerk
: Mmm, do you have an account with this bank?
[Beavis and Butthead look confused
] Bank Clerk
: , I mean you need an account, in order to withdraw money. Butt-head
: Oh yeah, we'd like one of those too. Bank Clerk
: Can you tell me, how much do you actuall know about banking? Butt-head
: Err... , well there's like a safe which you can get stuck in and die...
: So, which duty do you enjoy most? Butt-head
: Beavis enjoys all of his doodies. Beavis
: Yeah! Job counselor
: Well, which one do you enjoy most? Job counselor
: Um, well... I guess the ones that take a long time. Job counselor
: You like to get your hands dirty? Beavis
: Well, yeah, sometimes. Job counselor
: Something you can really sink your teeth into? Beavis
: Um... no, that's disgusting.
[watching R.E.M.'s "Nightswimming" video
: Aah! I don't want to see some dude's hairy butt. Butt-head
: If they showed a chick's butt, maybe it would be a Buzz Clip.
: [while watching the video to Bananarama's "Venus
] These chicks should marry GWAR. Beavis
: Yeah, yeah that would be cool! Butt-Head
: They would have offspring that would be the coolest people ever lived. Beavis
: Yeah, and they would rule Antarctica. Butt-Head
: They would rule the entire world.