Machete Cortez
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Quotes for
Machete Cortez (Character)
from Machete (2010)

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Machete Kills (2013)
Machete: Machete don't tweet.

Machete: Machete don't smoke!

Machete: Machete don't fail!

Machete: Machete don't joke!

Machete: I'm not interested.
Mr. President: Motherfucker, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United fucking States, man.

Machete: [Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?
Miss San Antonio: Fuck world peace.

Machete: [Answering the phone] This is Machete!

Machete: You're crazy.
Mendez: With a capital C, muchacho.

Voz: I never saw this.
Machete: Machete happens.

Luz: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete loves everybody.

Machete: Good luck on that pageant.
Miss San Antonio: I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?

Mr. President: Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?
Machete: Things got complicated.
Mr. President: No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!
Machete: If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.
Mr. President: Come again?
Miss San Antonio: Machete, can it be disarmed?
Machete: Only where it was made. VozTech.
Mr. President: VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?
Machete: I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.
Mr. President: Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.

Grasa: Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?
Machete: No.
[Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire]

Mendez: Special Agent Mendez.
Machete: How many of you are there?
Mendez: Sorry, that's classified.

Voz: Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is fucked.
Machete: Why?
Voz: This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

Title Card: [mock movie trailer] In a land beyond space and time...
Trailer Voice Guy: A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero.
[Trejo removes his space helmet]
Trailer Voice Guy: They call him... MACHETE.
Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Machete.
Trailer Voice Guy: He knows the score.
Space Babe: We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.
Trailer Voice Guy: He gets the space babes.
[deep kiss]
Luz: The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and shit.
Machete: He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.
Trailer Voice Guy: And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...
Luz: Eat photons, bitches!
Trailer Voice Guy: ...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as
[provoctive music]
Trailer Voice Guy: whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask.
[in a lower voice]
Trailer Voice Guy: Actor subject to change.
Trailer Voice Guy: Machete Kills Again... in Space.
[lower voice again]
Trailer Voice Guy: Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.

Police Captain: Why help the U.S.?
Machete: 'Cause I'm the only that can.
Police Captain: You're always the sensitive one, Machete.

Machete (2010)
Padre Benito del Toro: It's not safe for you to be here.
Machete: I'm not looking for "safe".
Padre Benito del Toro: No, I mean it's not safe for me for you to be here!
[Padre quickly blesses Machete]
Padre Benito del Toro: I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!

Machete: Machete don't text.

Sartana: I thought Machete don't text.
Machete: Machete improvises.

Padre Benito del Toro: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
Machete: Mexican.

Booth's Bodyguard #1: [seeing Machete walking towards Booth's doorsteps carrying a pickaxe and a motor scythe] Hey, hey-heh, boss. Who are you?
Machete: The new gardener.
Booth's Bodyguard #1: The gardener.
[speaks Hungarian to Machete]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: Just fuckin' with you, cheef. It's Hungarian for I going to kill you, you little monkey. You know what, there's a big pile of shit in the back, you can go and clean that up, all right? Make sure you do a good job.
[Machete walks past him silently]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: Make sure to wipe those boots off. Carrying shit in the house.
[to his colleague]
Booth's Bodyguard #1: You ever noticed how you let a Mexican into your house just because he's got gardening tools? No questions asked, you just let him right in. Could have a chainsaw, you know, a machete...

[first lines]
Federale Officer: [in Spanish; subtitled] We're federal agents, not martyrs. This is suicide. She's just another kidnap victim.
[holding up picture]
Federale Officer: What makes her special? Because she's a witness against Torrez? He probably has her locked up, drugged our of her mind. We don't have to do this!
Machete: If not us, then who?

Machete: Get dressed.
Chica: It's too hot for clothes.

Doc Felix: [Machete sees surgical tools] Oh, you don't want to mess with that. That's a skull scraper; we use that to scrape the bones clean. And those cut through flesh just like butter.
Machete: [grabs nurses belt] Pass me that tank.

Machete: Are you Shé?
Luz: If I were Shé, do you think I'd be operating a taco truck? Shé brings hope. Shé rights the wrongs. Unfortunately, Shé is a myth.

Booth: Tell me, where are my wife and daughter?
Machete: With God.
Booth: Well, I guess I won't be seeing them.

Julio: We just wanna help, bro.
Machete: I don't need you help.
Julio: If not us, then who?

[last lines]
Sartana: Where will you go?
Machete: Everywhere.
Sartana: Then I'll ride with you...

Federale Officer: You're the boss.
Machete: No.
[Pulls out machete]
Machete: This is the boss.

Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.
Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?

Machete: You're a fighter.
Luz: Only when there's something worth fighting for.

Sartana: I started working on the night shift taking out the trash. But I worked my way up. As translator, assistant... Now I'm Special Agent in charge of investigations.
Machete: Sounds like they still got you taking out the trash.

Grindhouse (2007)
[from Machete trailer]
Priest: I took a vow of peace. And now you want me to help you KILL these men?
Machete: Yes, bro... I mean Padre.
Priest: I'll see what I can do.
[pumps shotguns]

Announcer: [first lines, voiceover] They called him Machete.
Machete: [voiceover] Seventy dollars a day for yard work. Hundred for roofing.
The Boss: [car with The Boss pulls up] Get in.
Machete: [cut to Machete in car with The Boss] One-twenty-five for septic... sewage.
The Boss: Have you ever killed anyone before?