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[Leo is timing Chester for the 60 seconds he has to explain to Ted about the whole situation
: Begin. Chester
: Okay, Ted, pay attention here. I'm going to make two piles on the bar. One pile which is yours. And another pile which *could* be yours. And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing one way... or the other. Whether it's *you* who holds the axe or a Mexican maid or some bum we yank off the street. Norman
: [about the money on the bar
] You could buy a whole lot of soup with that pile. Chester
: Shh! I'm the closer here. All right, I'm a little me - um, I've lost count. How much is on the bar here? Group
: Six hundred. Chester
: Okay, Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600? Ted the Bellhop
: [Thinks for a bit
: It's a rhetorical question, Ted. Ted the Bellhop
: No, sir. Chester
: About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, this is a good bet that is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, you have to decide what that memory will be. So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you *refused* a $1000 for one second's worth of work? Or that you *made* $1000 for one second's worth of work? Leo
: Time! Chester
: So, Ted, what's it gonna be? Ted the Bellhop
: Like my old grand daddy used to say, "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect."
: This is Cristal! Everything else is just piss!
: Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage? Ted the Bellhop
: It's quite good sir. Chester
: No, no, no! It's *Fucking* good. Now let's do that again. Ted, what do you think of that tasty beverage? Ted the Bellhop
: It's *Fucking* good sir!
[Leo is on the phone with his wife
: Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job, you know that. He wanted to stay out late. I can't fucking - I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? Don't yell at me - I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You're the one that's fucking yelling! Fuck! Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. Goddamn it, I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me, that fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a fuckin' divorce! Norman
: Yo, Leo? Leo
] Fuck! Chester
: Another fucking "Honeymooners" going on in there.
[Leo tosses throws down his cellphone and begins throwing things around in a violent tantrum
: Fuckin' shit, man! Man, what the fuck is wrong with this fuckin' bitch, man? I'm gonna take the fuckin' car, I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland, I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw it down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man! Norman
: You still married, man? Leo
: Yeah. I don't fuckin' know any more, I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God. What the fuck is wrong? I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen, you know that, man! Chester
: I know that. Leo
: So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink. It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry, I'm fuckin' sorry about that. What am I gonna do? Get in a fuckin' car and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? That'd be really fuckin' nice! Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? FUCK!
[Leo suddenly notices all of the items sitting at the bar
: What the fuck is all this? Ted the Bellhop
: Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir. Leo
: Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman? Chester
: We now return you to "The Man From Rio" already in progress. Leo
: Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit. Norman
] I am gonna do it. Leo
: Oh, you are my fucking hero.
: Let me explain what we're talking about here. Ted the Bellhop
: No, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. Whatever constitutes a good time as far as you guys are concerned, well, that's your business. Chester
: Well, no, it's your business, too, Ted, because we want you to take part. Ted the Bellhop
: Take part in what, sir? Leo
: Chester, your way of breaking the news to him gently is scaring the fuck outta him. Chester
: You think so? Angela
: Just spit it out. Chester
: Okay, you might be right. Okay, here we go, here we go, okay. Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. I mean, I was thinking you might be thinking we want you to do some like, weird sex thing, like suck us off, pee on us, shit like that, you know. Nothing! Nothing could be further from the truth!
Ted the Bellhop
: A block of wood. Chester
: [raps it with his knuckles
] Continue. Ted the Bellhop
: Three nails. Norman
: Why three nails? Chester
: That's how many Peter Lorre wanted. Continue, Ted. Ted the Bellhop
: A ball of twine. Chester
: Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue. Ted the Bellhop
: A bucket... of ice. Chester
: You into it? Norman
: I'm into it! Chester
: All right, go on! Ted the Bellhop
: A donut. Chester
: That's for me.
: Continue. Ted the Bellhop
: A club sandwich. Angela
: That is mine. Ted the Bellhop
: And finally... a hatchet. Chester
: "A hatchet as sharp as the Devil himself" is what I asked for. Ted the Bellhop
: Well, sir, you be the judge. Norman
: No, no, I'll be the judge.
[tests it with his finger
] Ted the Bellhop
: Careful, sir. Chester
: What do you think? Norman
: It's a sharp motherfucker. All right, forget the nails and the twine and bring all this other bullshit over to the bar.
: I'm gonna go back to my room. Chester
: I'll see ya.