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Quotes for
David (Character)
from The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

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The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: That's fucked up, man.
Andy Stitzer: Why?
Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy Stitzer: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]

Andy Stitzer: Wow, this place is crowded.
David: Yeah, well, you know... nine dollar beer night.

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: Your dick tastes like shit.

David: [watching The Bourne Identity] Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!

David: [of his ex] Yeah... she was adorable... fuckin' bitch.

Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
David: What?

Andy Stitzer: Ow! That one hurt just as much as the first one!
David: That's great, man!

Andy Stitzer: I'm not a big ho-runner.
David: My uncle used to drive a ho-runner.

Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.

David: [the same Michael McDonald sampler DVD has been playing on all of the television screens for the last two years] If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.

Haziz: [David is speaking to Andy] Hey, Will and Grace. Back to work!
David: Hey, Haziz, could you give us a minute? We're kind of in the middle of something here.
Haziz: Hey. I'm on my break.
David: Fuck off, Haziz. Leave us alone, will you?
Haziz: Fuck off? Fuck you!
David: Fuck you!
Haziz: Fuck you.
David: Fuck off!
Haziz: Fuck off.
David: I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole.
Haziz: Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, okay? I have a family.
David: Watch how you talk to me!
Haziz: Hey, Bambi, it's a free country. I can smoke out here if I want.
David: Smoke my pole!
Haziz: You are a very unkind man!
David: Get inside!
Haziz: [heading inside] This is not professional! Paula! This asshole over here... Paula!

David: I just want to get drunk, *fucked up*, and play some cards!

David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.

David: [to a shirtless Andy, who has an incredibly hairy chest] I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?

Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.
David: I'm not taking it.
Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!
David: It's my gift to you.
Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...
David: [shouting] Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!
Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!
David: No...
[continues shouting]
David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!

Smart Tech Customer: [points to a TV playing a Michael McDonald DVD] If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?
David: Tell you what. You *don't* get the set and I'll throw in the DVD.

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?

David: Hey, Paula.
Paula: Yeah?
David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.
Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
David: I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.
Paula: You're such a smartass. Get back on the floor.
[Paula walks away]
David: [cough-mutters] Ah-fuck you!

David: Dude, you look like a man-o-lantern.

[from the deleted scene]
David: Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent *three* times.

Andy Stitzer: [motioning to David's box of porn] I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
David: What, masturbate?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Why not?
Andy Stitzer: It's not a hobby of mine.
David: Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.

David: Did you just flick me in the balls?
Cal: No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.

David: Here it is - Boner Jams '03. It's a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2003.

David: I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart.

David: [referring to a sonogram] It looks like the Doppler radar.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
Cal: That's gay?
David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body.
[David's character explodes]
Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!
David: Aww...

David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?
Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.
David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.
Amy: Stop it!
David: Stop what?
Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!
David: You're a whore.
Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.
Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.

David: I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer: Well, why don't you get her back right now?
David: Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer: It sounds horrible.
David: Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.