Troy Barlow
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Quotes for
Troy Barlow (Character)
from Three Kings (1999)

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Three Kings (1999)
[Walter's wearing night-vision goggles in broad daylight]
Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off?
Walter: I never got to use night-vision.
Troy Barlow: They do not work during the day!
Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.

Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life?
Troy Barlow: Respect.
Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people.
Conrad Vig: What, love?
Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it?
Chief Elgin: God's will.
Archie Gates: Close.
Troy Barlow: What is it then?
Archie Gates: Necessity.
Troy Barlow: As in?
Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.

Archie Gates: Sit down. What do you see here?
Chief Elgin: Bunkers, sir.
Archie Gates: What's in them?
Troy Barlow: Stuff they stole from Kuwait.
Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.

[first lines]
Troy Barlow: Are we shooting?
Soldier: What?
Troy Barlow: Are we shootin' people or what?
Soldier: Are we shooting?
Troy Barlow: That's what I'm asking you!
Soldier: What's the answer?
Troy Barlow: I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!

Troy Barlow: I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: I'll bet you a Lexus they do.
Chief Elgin: Alright, but it won't be a convertible.

Troy Barlow: Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?

Archie Gates: Any questions?
Conrad Vig: Yeah, is it true to be special forces, you gotta cut off an enemy's ear?
Archie Gates: [to Troy Barlow] Are you able to control him?
Troy Barlow: Yes, sir. He'll be fine, I promise.

[after seeing that Chief can't throw a football straight]
Conrad Vig: Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks.
Troy Barlow: Stop speaking right now, Conrad!

Conrad Vig: One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.
Troy Barlow: Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.
Chief Elgin: Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.
Troy Barlow: Wrong.
Chief Elgin: Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.
Troy Barlow: Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.

Troy Barlow: Let's just stick to the plan. The plan is for the gold, right?
Chief Elgin: Hold on, we can help these people first, and then we can be on our way.

[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]
Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin: No, sir.
Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.
Troy Barlow: Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Archie Gates: Captain a proctologist?
Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?

Troy Barlow: Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna shit in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would be pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it, Major?

[Conrad retrieved a map from an Iraqi's soldier's butt]
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.
Conrad Vig: Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a dune coon.
Chief Elgin: Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.
Conrad Vig: Don't tell people that.
Chief Elgin: I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear "dune coon" or "sand nigger" from him or anybody else.
Conrad Vig: Captain uses those terms.
Sgt. Troy Barlow: That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that "towelhead" and "camel jockey" are perfectly good substitutes.
Chief Elgin: Exactly!

Archie Gates: Load the people into the Humvee!
Troy Barlow: There's no room!
Archie Gates: Make room!
Troy Barlow: Whatever happened to necessity?
Archie Gates: It just changed!

Troy Barlow: We'll I'm gonna be wearing some fashionable Kevlar.
Conrad Vig: Yeah, me too.

Sgt. Troy Barlow: Great! A fuckin' tank! That should send us on our way.

Capt. Said: What make you decide to tell me about Crystal, my main man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Because we're both fathers.
Capt. Said: I'm not father no more, you remember? My son is dead now. Can you think how would feel inside your heart if I bombed your daughter?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Worse than death.
Capt. Said: That's right. Worse than death.

Sgt. Troy Barlow: [upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible.
Capt. Said: Oh my God, buddy, I didn't even told you the horrible part yet. My son. My son was killed in his bed. He is one years old... he is sleeping with his doll when the bomb come...

Sgt. Troy Barlow: I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.
Capt. Said: Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Saddam is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here.

Debbie Barlow: Hello?
Troy Barlow: Honey, it's me.
Debbie Barlow: Troy? Oh my god! Oh, baby, I was hoping it was you.
Troy Barlow: It's me honey.
Debbie Barlow: Oh God, the baby's crying.
Troy Barlow: How's she doing?
Debbie Barlow: She hasn't been sleeping too good, and my mom had to go back to work, so I'm real tired baby.
Troy Barlow: Oh, I wish I was there to help, gooney bird.
Debbie Barlow: Oh, gooney bird, when are you coming home?
Troy Barlow: Well I'm working on that right now baby.
Debbie Barlow: I saw an ad for a computer job, you want me to call and set up an interview?
Troy Barlow: Listen, honey...
Debbie Barlow: What date are you coming home?
Troy Barlow: Well, I told you, they haven't given us an exact date yet...
Debbie Barlow: Well, maybe if I had an exact date I could call and set...
Troy Barlow: Debbie, listen to me! Please!
Debbie Barlow: What's happening?
[an explosive goes off behind Troy]
Debbie Barlow: What was that?
Troy Barlow: The wall just exploded.
Debbie Barlow: I thought the war was over honey.
Troy Barlow: Well it is and it isn't baby... could you do me a favor and call the reserve center?
Debbie Barlow: What do you want me to do?
Troy Barlow: Tell them, I'm stuck in a bunker near 223 North, outside Karbala, okay?
Debbie Barlow: [writing it down] 2... 2... 3... North... outside... Karbala. You're okay right? Everything's okay?