Jesus Christ
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Quotes for
Jesus Christ (Character)
from The Passion of the Christ (2004)

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The Last Temptation of Christ (1988)
Jesus: You think God belongs only to you? He doesn't. God is an immortal spirit who belongs to everybody, to the whole world. You think you're special? God is not an Israelite.

Jesus: Brothers, my old friends! Listen to me! It's me the prophets preached about. God talked to me in the desert; he gave me a secret and told me to bring it to you. Didn't you hear me coming? I ran here to Nazareth, where I grew up, to bring you the news. The word of God is here now.
Voice in Crowd: You work miracles. Make a miracle for us. Make us believe in you. Otherwise, go away.
Jesus: The Messiah doesn't need miracles. He is the miracle. Now he's here. Are you ready for me? I'm here to tear down everything around you, and you know what I'm going to replace it with? Something new: God. The World of God. So take your bread and give it to the poor. What difference does it matter what you own? You have gold and silver? It's going to rot, and that rot is going to eat away your heart. All of you! There will be a flood, and there will be a fire. Everything will be destroyed. But there will be a new ark riding on that fire, and I hold the keys and I open the door, and I decide who goes in and who doesn't. You're my brothers from Nazareth, and you're the first I invite on the ark. Don't wait. Don't waste your life. Come with me.

Jesus: If I could touch every stone, if I could breathe on every branch, they'd get up and follow me. So what's wrong with you?

Jesus: Today and tomorrow I cast out demons and work cures. On the third day, I will be perfected.

Jesus: Judas, my brother, I have something to tell you. I have a terrible secret from God. You know why I came to Jerusalem?
Judas: Yes. This is where the revolution is going to begin.
Jesus: Last night, Isaiah came to me. He had a prophecy, I saw it written. It said, "He has borne our faults; he was wounded for our transgressions, yet he opened now his mouth. Despised and rejected by all, he went forward without resisting, like a lamb led to the slaughter."
Judas: I don't understand.
Jesus: Judas, I am the lamb. I'm the one who's going to do.
Judas: Die? You mean you're not the Messiah?
Jesus: I Am.
Judas: That can't be. If you're the Messiah, why do you have to die?
Jesus: Listen, at first, I didn't understand myself...
Judas: No, *you* listen. Every day, you have a different plan. First it's love, then the ax, and now you have to die. What good could that do?
Jesus: God only talks to me a little at a time and tells me as much as I need to know.
Judas: We need you alive!
Jesus: Now I finally understand! All my life-all my life, I've been followed by voices, by footsteps, by shadows. And do you know what that shadow is? The cross. I have to die on the cross, and I have to die willingly. We have to go back to the temple.
Judas: And after you die on the cross, what happens then?
Jesus: I come back to judge the living and the dead.

Jesus: I wish there was another way, but there isn't. I have to die on the cross.
Judas: I won't let you die.
Jesus: You don't have a choice. Neither do I. Remember, we're bringing God and man together. They'll never be together unless I die. I'm the sacrifice... Forget everything else, understand that.

[last lines]
Jesus: It is accomplished!

Jesus: The pain begins. It slides up my back and just before it gets to my eyes, it digs in its claws.

Jesus: God loves me. I know he loves me. I want him to stop.

Judas: How will you ever pay for your sins?
Jesus: With my life, Judas. With my life. I don't have anything else.

Jesus: I'm not gonna leave here until you speak to me!

Jerobeam: God brought you here, didn't he?
Jesus: All he brought here is my shame.
Jerobeam: Shame is also a temptation.
Jesus: God hunts me. He drives his nails into my heart. He wants to push me over. He wants me to speak. But he didn't touch my lips with burning coals. How can I speak? I sinned.
Jerobeam: We all sin.
Jesus: Not my sins. What does He want from me? Can't he see what's inside me? All my sins. I'm Lucifer.
Jerobeam: Be quiet!
Jesus: No! I'm a liar. A hypocrite. I'm afraid of everything. I never tell the truth. I don't have the courage. When I see a woman, I blush and look away. But inside I have lust. For God, I smother the lust, and that satisfies my pride. But my pride destroys Magdalene. I never steal or fight, or kill... not because I don't want to but because I'm afraid. I want to rebel against everything, everybody... against God!... but I'm afraid. If you look inside me you see fear, that's all. Fear is my mother, my father, my God.

Jesus: If I was a woodcutter, I'd cut. If I was a fire, I'd burn. But I'm a heart and I love. That's the only thing I can do.

Jesus: In the desert, the baptist warned us, God is coming. Well, I'm telling you it's too late! He's already here. I'm here! And I'm going to baptize everybody... with fire!

Jesus: [cried out on the cross] Father, why have you forsaken me?

Jesus: You're here to trick me.
The Cobra/Satan: Trick you? To love and care for a woman, to have a family? This is a trick? Why are you trying to save the world? Aren't your own sins enough for you? What arrogance to think you can save the world. The world doesn't have to be saved: save yourself. Find love
Jesus: I have love.

Jesus: Do you think that God belongs only to you? He doesn't: God's an immortal spirit who belongs to everybody! To the whole world! You think, you are special? God is not an Israelite!

Jesus: [holds up two rocks on display to the crowd] Which one of you people has never sinned? Whoever that is, come up here and throw these!

Jesus: [is drawing a circle in the earth while he speaks to God] I'm not going to leave this circle, I'm not going to leave until you speak to me. No signs, no pain, just speak to me in human words. Whatever path you want, I'll take. Love, or the axe, or anything else. Now if you want me to stay here and die, I'll do that too, but you have to tell me.

Jesus: [stares at the heavens] Father, will you listen to me? Are you still there? Will you listen to a selfish, unfaithful son? I fought you when you called, I resisted! I thought of no more. I didn't want to be your son! Can you forgive me?

Rabbi: That is blasphemy.
Jesus: Didn't they tell you? I am the saint of blasphemy. Don't make any mistakes, I didn't come here to bring peace, I came to bring a sword!
Rabbi: Talking like that will get you killed.
Jesus: Me, killed? Listen to me. This temple will be torn down in three days, torn down to the ground!

Peter, Apostle: Don't you have any respect?
Judas: For him?
Jesus: [feebly] You don't understand...
Judas: Understand?... You broke my heart. Sometimes I curse the day I ever met you! We held the world in our hands. Remember what you told me? You took me in your arms, do you remember? And you begged me, "Betray me, betray me, I have to be crucified..."

The Lion: I feel sorry for you. You were lonely. You cried, so I came.
Jesus: [wary] I didn't call for you. Who are you?
The Lion: Your spirit.

Jesus: [men are grabbing him, demanding a miracle] Don't touch me! You're filled with hate, get away! God won't help you!

Jesus: [Opening lines] The feeling begins. Very tender, very loving. Then the pain starts. Claws slip underneath the skin and tear their way up. Just before they reach my eyes, they dig in. And I remember. First I fasted for three months. I even whipped myself before I went to sleep. At first it worked. Then the pain came back. And the voices. They call me by name. Jesus.

Jesus: I said Love! I didn't say Death!

Jesus: Why has it changed so much?
Girl Angel/Satan: It hasn't changed. You have. Now you can see its real beauty.

Pontius Pilate: It's one thing to want to change the way people live... but you want to change how they think, how they feel.
Jesus: All I'm saying is that change will happen with love, not with killing.
Pontius Pilate: Either way, it's dangerous. It's against Rome. It's against the way the world is. And killing or loving, it's all the same. It simply doesn't matter how you want to change things. We don't want them changed.

Jesus: Is that you?

The Miracle Maker (2000)
Lucifer: [showing Jesus a vast army of people worshipping him] I will give this authority and power and glory to you. Bow down before me, and it will all be yours.
Jesus: No. It is written... in the Scriptures... you shall worship the Lord your God, and no one else shall you serve! No one!

Jesus: Father. Father. Father. Let there... let there be some other way. Let there be... let there be some other way.
[a cup of thorns appears]
Jesus: No! Take this cup away! Take it away! Take it away! Father! Father, dear father, listen to me, listen. If there is another way, another way, a way out!
Lucifer: Go! Run, there's still time. Run, run for it! Come on, run.
Jesus: No. No! Not my will! It's not my will it's your will, your will father, your will be done! Father... your will be done.

Jesus: You shall not put your God to the test! You shall not put your God to the test!

Jesus: Judas... go and do what you have to do.
Judas Iscariot: Master?
Jesus: Do it now. Do it quickly.

Pontius Pilate: Who are you? Where do really come from? Don't you realise I have the power to release you or to crucify you?
Jesus: You would have no power over me if hadn't been given to you from above.
Pontius Pilate: From above? Who are you?

Jesus: Father... into your hands I commend my spirit. It is finished!

Andrew: [to the disciples gathered around a fire] I was the first to follow him. If anyone's gonna be in charge, it's gonna be me.
Judas Iscariot: Could you lead an army? Would man follow you to glory?
Andrew: I was the *first*.
[Jesus approaches carrying firewood]
James the Disciple: Go on, ask him Judas.
Judas Iscariot: Master, um...
James the Disciple: [interrupts] We've been waiting for you to come, and tell us who will be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven!
Jesus: [laughs] All right. All right, I'll tell you.
[walks toward a little girl, lifts her off a donkey]
Jesus: Unless you change utterly and become like little children, you will never even enter the kingdom of Heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this little child, he will be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven.

Jairus: Master, come with us. Sit by our fire.
Cleopas: There are many things we don't understand.
Jesus: [distracted] I will come and talk to you Cleopas. I... I promise... Jairus... very soon and we... we will talk about many things.
[walks toward the Garden of Olives]
Tamar: Where are you going?
Jesus: You can't come with me now.
[kneels before her]
Jesus: But one day you will.
Tamar: [sad] I don't *want* you to go.
Jesus: Shh, shh don't be upset. Don't be afraid. In my Father's house there are so many rooms,
Jesus: *so* many.
[he embraces Tamar]
Jesus: I'm going to find a wonderful place for you. One day, you will always be with me.

Jesus: My Father's house
[glares at temple vendors]
Jesus: is a house of *prayer.* But you
[voice rises]
Jesus: *YOU* have made it into a den of thieves! THIEVES!

Lazarus: I don't understand. Joseph died and left you a set of tools, a workshop and contacts in the big city!
Jesus: Lazarus I have new work to do.
Mary: Is that what you mean by the kingdom?
Reuben: Yes! The kingdom of God! I mean, last time you came you were just fixing the door.
Jesus: Well is the door still opening smoothly?
[all laugh]

Martha: Jesus! Don't you care that my sister has left me to do everything? Tell her to help me!
Jesus: [gently] Martha. *Martha* you're always hurrying around so worried. You do so much for everyone else, but don't miss the one thing that matters for you! Sit with us and listen.

Jairus: We were walking the way to Emmaus.
Cleopas: To my cousin's house. The women and children had gone ahead.
Jairus: We agreed to meet at Emmaus, hide there for a few days and travel back.
Cleopas: When this man came up to us...
Jesus: Hello! Do you mind if I join you?
Cleopas: [surprised] No... um... no.
Jesus: [breaking the silence] It um... sounded like an interesting conversation.
Cleopas: Some things are too terrible to explain.
Jesus: Oh? What things?
Jairus: What things? The terrible death of Jesus from Galilee.
Jesus: Tell me about it.
Cleopas: Tell you? Where have you been?
Jairus: We believed he was a great... prophet.
[shakes head]
Jairus: More than that.
Cleopas: That he was the chosen one who would... save Israel.
Jesus: Oh the Messiah!
Jairus: But how could the Messiah die the death of a common criminal?
Jesus: [chuckles] Oh foolish men. You're so learned. You talk of prophets, have you never read the prophets? You talk of the Messiah - don't you understand that he *had* to die? Don't you understand the scriptures at all?

Thomas: Unless I see him, right here before me, *right* here! And unless I see the mark of the nails and put my finger into those wounds
[Jesus appears behind Thomas]
Thomas: I will not believe!
Jesus: Thomas.
Thomas: What?
Jesus: Thomas.
Thomas: I've got nothing to say on this matter to anyone!
[turns around]
Thomas: Any... any...
[falls to his knees]
Thomas: [softly] Anyone at all.
Jesus: Go on
[draws back sleeve]
Jesus: put your finger here. Touch the marks. Don't be a doubter anymore. Believe.
Thomas: [softly] My Lord... and my God.
Jesus: [lifts Thomas to his feet] Yes, you believe because you've seen me Thomas. But even happier are those who believe without ever seeing me at all.

Jesus: The Son of Man will suffer many things. He will be arrested. He will be killed.
Simon Peter: No Lord, that will never happen to you! Never!
Judas Iscariot: [to himself] The messiah... killed? Defeated by the Romans? No!
[thinking to himself]
Judas Iscariot: A false messiah... defeated... we'll all... we will all die!

Mary of Nazareth: What did you say?
Jesus: Well, I said I had other work.
Mary of Nazareth: Your Father's work?
Jesus: Yes
Mary of Nazareth: You said that once... so long ago.
Jesus: But you remember?
Mary of Nazareth: I remember everything, all the way down to Jerusalem for the Passover, and then the crowds...
Mary of Nazareth: Nowhere... nowhere we couldn't find you. We searched Jerusalem night and day.
Sadduccee: [teaching in the temple] We must be strong in every way.
Young Jesus: What you say is true. And it is written, "out of the strong came forth sweetness," there is sweetness in God's law. And in His love, there is strength.
Mary of Nazareth: [sees Jesus] Oh my son! Why have you done this to us? We've been so worried!
Joseph of Nazareth: [to the Sadducees] Running away.
Young Jesus: Why were you looking for me? Didn't know know where I'd be? I have to be about my Father's business.
Mary of Nazareth: [remembering] After that, I lay awake. I lay awake for so many nights.
Mary of Nazareth: When are you going?
Jesus: At first light.
Mary of Nazareth: So soon?

Jesus: Push the boat further out.
Simon Peter: Out?
Jesus: Into the deep.
Simon Peter: Why? What for?
Jesus: [smiling] Let your nets down for a catch of course.
Simon Peter: [rolls eyes] No one catches fish during the day. They hide from the sunlight, right down in the depths.
[sees Jesus' expression doesn't change]
Simon Peter: But if you insist, I'll let them down.
[to Andrew, grumbling]
Simon Peter: Right in the middle of the day.
[casts nets, sits]
Simon Peter: We could be here for hours.

Simon Peter: [sees Jesus approach him] Leave me. Lord leave me.
[voice breaking]
Simon Peter: I am such a sinful man!
Jesus: [gently] Don't be afraid Simon.
[places his hands on Simon's shoulders]
Jesus: From today, I'm going to make you a fisher of men.

Jesus: Simon, I will call you "Peter," for the rock.
Simon Peter: Rock?
Jesus: Yes, I'm going to build
[places his hand on Simon Peter's chest]
Jesus: on *this* rock.

Jesus: Come to me, come and listen to me. Come to me!
Tamar: [sees Jesus] Mother!
Rachel: Come on Tamar, I should never have brought you to the fields today.
Tamar: It's him! The carpenter from Sepphoris!

Mary Magdalene: [running through the streets] I see you! Hahaha!
[thinks buildings are closing in on her]
Mary Magdalene: Agh!
[runs to a hill, cackling]
Jesus: Mary! Mary!
Mary Magdalene: We know who you are! Jesus! Son of the most high... God!
Jesus: Come out of her! Let her go!

Mary Magdalene: [sees empty tomb]
Mary Magdalene: They've taken the body. Oh!
Mary Magdalene: Oh my Lord! My Lord!
Jesus: [appears behind her] Why are you crying?
Mary Magdalene: [sobbing] They... they've taken my Lord away! And I don't know where they have put him!
Jesus: [sits behind her] Tell me who you're looking for.
Mary Magdalene: Oh sir, if you're the gardner, please tell me where they've taken him.
Jesus: *Mary*
Mary Magdalene: [turns around]
Mary Magdalene: Lord?
Jesus: It's all right.
[Mary embraces him]
Jesus: You don't have to hold on to me now. Go! Tell everyone! Tell Peter!

Jesus: [raises bread] Blessed are you oh Lord our God, who brings forth bread from the earth.
[breaks bread and passes it]
Jesus: Take this and eat. This is... my body. Which is broken for you.
Thomas: Your body?
Jesus: Do this in memory of me.
[lifts cup]
Jesus: Drink from this all of you, for this is my blood. My blood which is poured out for many, for the forgiveness of sins.
[as the cup is passed]
Jesus: This is the last time I shall drink wine with you.
Simon Peter: Master.
Jesus: Until I drink the new wine with you, in the kingdom of my Father, in heaven.
Simon Peter: In heaven?
Simon Peter: No. No!

Jesus: Simon, Satan wants to grind you into powder and scatter you to the wind! But I have prayed for you.
Simon Peter: Master, you know me. I won't leave you.

Jairus: Master!
[falling at Jesus' feet]
Jairus: Master! Master my little girl...
[Jesus raises Jairus to his feet]
Jairus: she's dying. Please if you could come to my house and lay your hands on her, she will be healed.
Jesus: [places his hands on Jairus' shoulders] Yes. I will, I will come.
Jairus: Oh thank you!

Jesus: [to the paralyzed man] My friend, your sins are forgiven you.
Matthew: [to himself] Sins... forgiven?
Ben Azra: [thinking] Who can forgive sins but God?
Jesus: [looking at Ben Azra] Let me ask you a question. Which is easier to say? "Your sins are forgiven you" or "Get up and walk?" But to prove the Son of Man has the power to forgive sins
[turns to paralyzed man]
Jesus: I command you, take up your mat and walk.

Joseph of Arimathea: What must a man do to be saved?
Jesus: Well, you must trust the Lord your God will all your heart. And...
Joseph of Arimathea: And?
Jesus: And you must love your neighbor as much as you love yourself.
Joseph of Arimathea: And who is my neighbor?

Jesus: One of you sitting here is going to betray me... tonight.
James the Disciple: We'll all stand by you! Every one of us!
Simon Peter: Even if the whole world deserts you, I will never
[draws sword]
Simon Peter: *never*
[sheaths sword]
Simon Peter: let you down.
Jesus: Simon Peter, Satan wants to grind you into powder and scatter you to the wind! But I have prayed for you.
Simon Peter: Master, you know me. I won't leave you.
Jesus: Simon.
Simon Peter: I'll go to prison with you! Execution!
Jesus: Simon Peter by the time the cock crows today
[gets up]
Jesus: you will deny three times that you know me!
[leaves table]

Jesus Christ Superstar (1973)
Pontius Pilate: Then you are a king?
Jesus: It's you that say I am. I look for truth, and find that I get damned.
Pontius Pilate: And what is "truth"? Is truth unchanging law? We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?

Jesus: If you knew all that I knew, my poor Jerusalem, you'd understand, but you close your eyes. While you live, your troubles are many, poor Jerusalem. To conquer death, you only have to die. You only have to die.

Lepers: See my eyes, I can hardly see. See me stand, I can hardly walk. I believe you can make me whole. See my tongue, I can hardly talk. See my skin, I'm a mass of blood. See my legs, I can hardly stand. I believe you can make me well. See my purse, I'm a poor, poor man. Won't you touch, won't you mend me Christ? Won't you help, won't you heal me Christ? Won't you save, won't you pay me Christ? Won't you kiss, you can cure me Christ.
Jesus: [simultaneously] There's too many of you. Don't push me. There's not enough of me. Stop. Don't crowd me. Leave me alone!

Apostles: What's the buzz? Tell me whats-a-happening? What's the buzz? Tell me what's-a-happening?
Jesus: Why should you want to know? Why are you obsessed with fighting times and fates you can't defy? If you knew the path we're riding you'd understand it less than I.

Jesus: I'm amazed that men like you can be so shallow, thick and slow. There is not a man among you who knows or cares if I come or go!
Apostles: No! You're wrong! You're very wrong! No! You're wrong! You're very wrong! How can you say that? How can you say that? How can you say that? How can you say that?
Jesus: Not one. Not one of you!

Jesus: Surely you're not saying we have the resources to save the poor from their lot? There will be poor always, pathetically struggling, look at the good things you've got! Think while you still have me, move while you still need me. You'll be lost and you'll be sorry when I'm gone!

Jesus: Why waste your breath moaning at the crowd? Nothing can be done to stop the shouting! If every tongue were stilled, the noise would still continue! The rocks and stones themselves would start to sing!

Jesus: My temple should be a house of prayer, but you have made it a den of thieves! Get out! Get out!

Jesus: The end is just a little harder when brought about by friends. For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body. The end. This is my blood you drink, this is my body you eat. If you could, remember me when you eat and drink.

Jesus: Will no one stay awake for me? Peter? John? James? Will none of you wait for me? Peter? John? James?

Jesus: I only want to say, if there is a way, take this cup away from me, for I don't want to taste its poison, feel it burn me.

Jesus: Why should I die? Would I be more noticed than I ever was before? Would the things I've said and done matter anymore?

Jesus: Can you show me now that I will not be killed in vain? Show me just a little of your omnipresent brain! Show me there's a reason for your wanting me to die! You're far too keen on where and how, but not so hot on why!

Jesus: Then, I was inspired. Now, I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years, seems like thirty.

Jesus: Why, then, am I scared to finish what I started? What you started! God, I didn't start it!

Jesus: God, thy will is hard. But you hold every card. I will drink your cup of poison, nail me to your cross and break me, bleed me, beat me, kill me! Take me now, before I change my mind!

[Jesus' parting words to the disciples]
Jesus: Put away your swords! Don't you know that it's all over? It was nice but now it's gone. Why are you obsessed with fighting? Stick to fishing from now on!

Pontius Pilate: Talk to me, Jesus Christ! You have been brought here, manacled, beaten by your own people! Do you have the first idea why you deserve it? Listen, King of the Jews, where is your kingdom? Look at me! Am I a Jew?
Jesus: I have no kingdom. In this world, I'm through.
Crowd: Talk to me, Jesus Christ...
Jesus: There may be a kingdom for me somewhere, if you only knew.

Jesus: My God! My God! Why have you forgotten me?

Pontius Pilate: [after the 39 lashes] Where are you from, Jesus? What do you want, Jesus? Tell me! You've got to be careful; you could be dead soon. Could well be! Why do you not speak when I hold your life in my hands? How can you stay quiet? I don't believe you understand!
Jesus: You have nothing in your hands. Any power you have comes to you from far beyond. Everything is fixed, and you can't change it.

Jesus: Father, forgive them... they don't know... what they're doing!

Jesus: [last words] Father... into your hands... I commend... my spirit!

Jesus: You liar, you Judas!

Jesus: For all you care, this wine could be my blood. For all you care, this bread could be my body.

Jesus: Spare me your speeches, I don't want to know. Go, now, go!

Godspell (1973)
Judas: Now what the Good Master is telling us all right now is that up in Heaven, there are about a hundred million little tiny angels about 'yea' by 'yea', and they all take shorthand. And every time you do something silly, they write it in a...
Jesus: No, no.
Judas: That's not what the Good Master is telling us?

Jesus: Did I ever tell you I used to read feet?
Jeffrey: You used to... what?
Jesus: Some people read palms or tea leaves. I read feet. Look what it says!
[looks at Jeffrey's foot]
Jesus: Ahh, it says "Rejoice."
Jeffrey: [looking at his foot] It says "Keds."

Jesus: Consider the lilies of the field. They don't work. They don't spin. Yet I tell you - Solomon in all his splendor was not attired like one of these. Now, if that's how God clothes the grass, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown unto the fire, will He not all the more clothe YOU?

Jesus: How do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?
Judas: I don't know, how do you remove a speck of sawdust from your brother's eye when all the while there's a big plank in your own?
Jesus: You hypocrite!
Judas: Wha-ha?
[cry of confused alarm]
Jesus: First you take the plank out of your own eye so you can see clearly to remove the speck of sawdust from your brother's eye!
Judas: Wait a minute! That's no answer to the question!
Jesus: Did I promise you an answer to the question?
Judas: Ah... No.

Jesus: Sorry, no goats.
Jeffrey: Baaaaaa-lony.

Jesus: No man can serve God...
Everyone: WHAT?
Jesus: [explaining] ... and money!

Jesus: Well, I have a question to ask you. Answer it, and I will tell you by whose authority I act. The Baptism of John - was it from God, or was it from man?
Pharisee Monster: [thinking] If we say "from God", then he will say, "Then why did you not believe?" But if we say "from men", the people will be angry, for they took John as a prophet.
[to Jesus]
Pharisee Monster: We do not know.
Jesus: Then neither will I tell you by whose authority I act!

Pharisee Monster: Now, we know you are an honest man. Give us your ruling on this: are we, or are we not permitted to pay taxes to the Roman emperor?
John: Why, you hypocrites, I...!
[Jesus and Merrell restrain him]
Jesus: [to Pharisee Monster] Show me the money in which the tax is paid.
[the Pharisee Monster spits coins at Jesus, who picks one up]
Jesus: Whose head is on here, whose inscription?
Pharisee Monster: Caesar's!
Jesus: Well, then, pay Caesar was is due Caesar, but pay God what is due God!

Pharisee Monster: What is the greatest Commandment of them all?
Jesus: Thou shalt love the Lord, youe God, with all your heart and your soul." This is the greatest Commandment of them all. The second is like it: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." All the rest of the Law and what the prophets have written is based on these first two.

[Jesus verbally accosts the Pharisee Monster]
Jesus: [angry] You doctors of the Law, and you Pharisees sit in the chair of Moses, but you say one thing and you do another. Everything you do is done for show.
Jesus: Oh, you like to have your places of honor at feasts, and in the synagogues, and to be greeted respectfully, and to be called "teacher."
[bows sarcastically]
Jesus: But must not be called "teacher", for you have ONE teacher, the Messiah. And you must not call any man on Earth "Father", for you have ONE Father, and you are all BROTHERS!

Jesus: Now, do you know what the seed is?
Katie: A baby!
Jesus: [imitating her] Wrong!

Lynne: Master...
[Lynne climbs down from a stage and rushes to Jesus. Gilmer, Robin, Joanne, Jeffrey, Merrell, Jerry and Katie follow]
Lynne: Master! Blessed are the poor in Spirit...
Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Gilmer: Blessed are they who mourn...
Jesus: For they shall be comforted.
Robin: Blessed are the meek...
Jesus: For they shall inherit the Earth.
Joanne: Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice...
Jesus: For the shall be filled.
Jeffrey: Blessed are the merciful...
Jesus: For they shall have mercy.
Merrell: Blessed are the pure in heart...
Jesus: For they shall see God.
Jerry: Blessed are the peace-makers...
Jesus: For they shall be called the children of God.
Katie: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake...
Jesus: For theirs is the Kingdom of *heaven*!
[the others applaud]
Judas: [shouting from the distant stage] Blessed are ye... When men shall persecute you and revile you... and say all manner of evil against you...
[pauses then calms down]
Judas: falsely.

Jesus: Hey!
Judas: You come to me?
Jesus: I want to get washed up.
Judas: I would rather be baptized by you.
Jesus: No, we do well now to comform with all that God requires.

Jesus: What if your brother sues you? You better settle with him quickly,
[Joanne tries to shake hands with Merrill, who spins oher over to Gilmer]
Jesus: otherwise he'll hand you over to the judge.
Gilmer: Guilty!
[She spins Joanne over to Jerry]
Jesus: And the judge to the constable.
Jesus: [Jerry bops her on the head]
Jesus: And you'll land in jail!
[Joanne is twirled into "jail"]
Joanne: [squeaks] Let me out of here!
Jesus: And I tell you, you'll not get out of there until you've paid the last penny.

Gilmer: [in a southern accent] Well, the other servants were deeply distressed when they saw what had happened. Are you sitting down? They ran and told their master the whole story, mm-hmm.
Robin: DAAAAH!
Gilmer: Accordingly he sent for the man.
Robin: You scoundrel!
Gilmer: He said to him!
Robin: I remitted the whole of your debt when you appealed unto me. Were you not bound to show your fellow servant the same pity I showed to you?
Jerry: And so angry was the master that he condemned the man to torture, until he could pay the debt in full.
Jesus: And that is how my Heavenly Father will deal with you, unless you forgive your brothers from you hearts.

Jesus: Now you have heard that they were told "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth", but what I tell you is this. Never set yourself against the man who wrongs you. So if someone slaps you on your right cheek, turn and offer him your left.
Judas: Oh Jesus Chr...
[Gilmer jumps on him and covers his mouth]
Everyone: Slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch.
[Jesus slaps Judas]
Judas: [moves to hit Jesus and stops] Hello? It's for you,
[laughs but Jesus doesn't]
Judas: No, I didn't think so.
[turns his cheek]

Jesus: The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be darkness. If then, the only light you have is darkness, the darkness will be doubly dark.

Jesus: When you do some act of charity, don't announce it with a flourish of trumpets as the heathen do in synagogues and in the streets. I tell you they do it just to win admiration from men. No, when you do some act of charity, don't let your right hand know what your left hand is doing. Your good deed must be done in secret.
[everybody huddles together]
Merrell: [to the camera] It's a secret.

Jesus: Your Heavenly Father who sees what is done in secret, He will what?
Everyone: Reward you!

Jesus: Love your enemies and pray for your persecutors.
Jerry: You don't mean...
[he jerks his head at Lynne, who has him by the shirt front]
Jesus: I do.
Jerry: You do?
[to Lynne]
Jerry: I love you.
[she kisses him]

The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Satan: Do you really believe that one man can bear the full burden of sin?
Jesus: Shelter Me, O, Lord. I trust in you. In you I take refuge.
Satan: No one man can carry this burden, I tell you. It is far too heavy. Saving their souls is too costly. No-one. Ever. No. Never.
Jesus: Father, Y-you can do all things. If it is possible, let this chalice pass from me... But let your will be done, not mine.
Satan: Who is your father? Who are you?

Jesus: Judas... you betray the Son of Man with a kiss?

[to his mother Mary while on the cross]
Jesus: Woman, behold your son.
[to his disciple John]
Jesus: Son, behold your mother.

Jesus: Forgive them, Father. They know not what they do.

Jesus: Take this and drink. This is my blood, spilled for you and for many. Do this in memory of me.

Jesus: See, mother, I make all things new.

[coming to arrest Jesus]
Temple Guard: We're looking for Jesus of Nazareth.
Jesus: I am he.

[being questioned after his arrest]
Caiphas: Tell us, are you the Messiah? The Son of the living God?
Jesus: I am...

Jesus: It is accomplished.

Jesus: So love one another.

Jesus: You are My friends. There is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friends. I cannot be with you much longer, My friends. You cannot go where I am going. My commandment to you after I am gone is this: Love one another. As I have loved you, so love one another.

Jesus: You have heard it said you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. For if you love only those who love you, what reward is there in that?

Jesus: I am the good shepherd. I lay down my life for My sheep. No-one takes my life from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have power to lay it down and the power to take it up again. This command is from my Father.

Jesus: My heart is ready.

Jesus: You are my friends. And there is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friends.

[first lines]
Jesus: Peter. You could not watch even one hour with me?

Dismas: I ask only that you remember me when you enter your kingdom.
Jesus: Amen, I tell you that you that on this day you will be with me in paradise.

Jesus: Peter! Put it down! Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.

Caiphas: They say you're a king. Where is this kingdom of yours? What line of kings do you descend from? Speak up! You're just the son of some obscure carpenter, no? Some say you're Elijah, but he was carried off to Heaven in a chariot! Why don't you say something? You've been brought here as a blasphemer! What do you say to that? Defend yourself.
Jesus: I have spoken openly to everyone. I've taught in the Temple where we all gathered. Ask those who have heard what I have to say.
Temple Guard: Is that how you address the High Priest? With arrogance?
[the Temple guard strikes Jesus with authority]
Jesus: If I have spoken evil, tell me what evil I have said. But if not, why do you hit me?

Jesus (1999) (TV)
Mary Magdalene: I just don't understand how you can believe in someone like me.
Jesus: God forgives you Mary
Mary Magdalene: If I were a man I'd be your most loyal disciple.
Jesus: Those who speak for me *are* my disciples

Mary Magdalene: Were you a good carpenter?
Jesus: It's a good thing I started preaching.

Jesus: Martha, you've embarrassed Mary.
Martha: And you've enchanted her.

Jesus: Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do!
Livio: We know exactly what we're doing, Messiah; we're killing you.

Jesus: I am not alone; I am with my Father.
Satan: You will die in vain, Jesus...
Jesus: No! I'm in the hearts of men. I will die for the everlasting kindness of the human heart created by the Father, so that man will make His image shine once again. And those who want to will find in me the strength to love until the end.

Jesus: What's the matter Andrew? You don't dance?
Andrew: I'll dance... When Israel is free and people are honest!
Jesus: It'll be a very slow dance!

Jesus: Is your Israel free now that these men are dead?
Judas: No!
Jesus: Then follow me. I will show you how to be free. I am the Way.

Peter: But he's the enemy!
Jesus: If the man is your enemy, show him love. You are a strong man, Peter... Are you strong enough to love?

Jesus: Do you wanna come with us?
Mary Magdalene: Where?
Jesus: Does it matter?
Mary Magdalene: Yes, I go where I want. I'm free.
Jesus: You're not free, but you could be.

Mary of Bethany: Where is your way?
Jesus: It can't be with you
Mary of Bethany: What have I done?
Jesus: My life is not my own.
Mary of Bethany: What have I done to turn you away?
Jesus: It is not you
Mary of Bethany: You love someone else?
Jesus: No... no.

Woman From Crowd: You treated her like she was... worth something.
Jesus: She IS. And so are you.

King of Kings (1961)
[Jesus is mending a chair for the Virgin Mary, but has to leave for Jerusalem]
Jesus: The chair will have to wait until I return.
Virgin Mary: [having a vague premonition of Jesus' arrest, trial and death] The chair will never be mended. I am going with you.

Jesus: [during the Last Supper, Jesus catches a bread pronounces the blessing, he breaks him and he gives him to the disciples] Blessed you are you, oh Master, Our King of the Universe that gives us the bread, fruit of the Earth. Take, eat, therefore this is my body that will be given by you, do this in my memory.

Jesus: [then, Jesus catches a chalice of wine, he pronounces the blessing, and he gives him to the disciples] Blessed you are you, oh Master, Our King of the Universe that gives us the wine, fruit of the Vineyard. Take, drink, therefore this is my blood that will be spilled by many for the pardon of the sins.

[last lines]
Narrator: And when the tomb was found empty, some days passed, and Christ was seen at Emmaus, and in Jerusalem, and those who saw Him knew He was the Lord God. And then a final time He came among His disciples by the shore of Galilee...
Jesus: [offscreen] Do you know and love Me? Feed My sheep, for My sheep are in all the nations. Go you into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature who hungers. I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.
[We see the shadow of Jesus coming nearer toward the ocean, and then he spreads His arms and his cloak also begins to spread out, as if He were ascending to Heaven. The disciples leave; Peter is the last to go]

Jesus: Woman, where are they now who condemned you? Then, neither will I condemn you. Go in sin, no more.

Judas: Take me with you, Rabbi.
Jesus: Come.

Jesus: Blessed are you, O Lord, our God, King of the Universe, who bids us eat bitter herbs.

Jesus: My God, my God, why have you foresaken me?

Jesus: It is finished. Father, into your hands I commit my soul.

Lucius: [Jesus is trying to visit John the Baptist in prison] The prisoner John is not allowed visitors. If you wish to send him a message, leave it with the guard.
Jesus: I would see John.
Lucius: Why?
Jesus: I come to free John.
Lucius: [sarcastically] And just how do you propose to break him free from his cell?
Jesus: I come to free him within his cell.
Lucius: Freedom? Behind stone walls?
Jesus: You are free to come and go as you please, and yet you are still a prisoner because you place no faith in anything but your sword.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
[Jesus walks out of the lake with a small bottle of lemonade]
Jesus Christ: Lemonade?
Father Eustace: Will there be enough?
Jesus Christ: Oh, there'll be plenty.

Jesus Christ: [singing a song at the Dominion] I was born in a manger / doomed to live in danger.

Jesus Christ: If I'm not back in five minutes, call the Pope.

Jesus Christ: [to the jive talking man behind the counter] Don't tempt me!

[Jesus KOs a vampire]
Jesus Christ: [pats body] Body of Christ!

God: Jesus...
Jesus Christ: Is that you, bowl of cherries?
God: Do bowls of cherries talk, Jesus?
Jesus Christ: I don't know. I've seen a lot of strange things over the years.
God: You need help, Jesus, and I will not forsake it.
Jesus Christ: Ohh, it's you Dad. So what's your advice?

Jesus Christ: Why lesbians?
Johnny Golgotha: They're deviants, no one will miss them.
Jesus Christ: There's nothing deviant about love

The Transvestite: Jesus, honey, you're a mess!
Jesus Christ: [weakly] How... did you know... my name?

Jesus Christ: Not even this separates you from my love.

"Great Performances: Jesus Christ Superstar (#29.11)" (2000)
Jesus: My God, why have you forgotten me?

Jesus: Father, into your hands I commend my spirit!

Jesus: I have got no kingdom in this world, I'm through, through, through.
Crowd: Talk to me, Jesus!
Jesus: I may have a kingdom somewhere, if I only knew!
Pontious Pilate: Then you're a King?
Jesus: It's you who say I am! I know the truth, and find that I get damned!
Pontious Pilate: But what IS truth? Not easy to define! We both have truths! Are yours the same as mine?

Pontious Pilate: Who is this broken man cluttering up my hallway? Who is this unfortunate?
Annas: Someone Christ, King of the Jews.
Pontious Pilate: Oh, so this is Jesus Christ; I am really quite surprised, you look so small! Not a king at all! We all know that you're a news, but are you King? King of the Jews?
Jesus: That's what you say.

Jesus: Can you show me now that I would not be killed in vain? Show me just a little of your omnipresent brain! Show me there's a reason for you wanting me to die! You're far too keen on when and how, and not so hot on why!

Pontious Pilate: Where are you from, Jesus? What do you want, Jesus? Tell me. You've got to be careful. You could be dead soon, could well be. Why do you not speak when I hold your life in my hands? How can you stay quiet? I don't believe you'd understand.
Jesus: You have nothing in your hands. Any power you have... comes to you from far beyond. Everything is fixed and you can't change it.
Pontious Pilate: You're a fool, Jesus Christ! How can I help you?

The Gospel According to Matthew (1993)
Jesus: Go, then, to all peoples everywhere and make them my disciples: baptize them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

Jesus: All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

Jesus: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Jesus: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.

Jesus: Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.

Jesus: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

The Young Messiah (2016)
[last lines]
Jesus: I've learned so much since leaving Egypt. I know everything I can for today. I even know I'm going to die. I used to wonder if angels would come to me, if they would sing to me, if they would fill my dreams. There is still so much that I don't know, but I do know this. I don't think I'm here to see angels or to hear them sing. And I don't think I'm here to make it rainy or sunny or anything like that. I think I'm here just to be alive. To see it, hear it, feel it, all of it. Even when it hurts. Someday you will tell me why else I'm here. I don't know when, but you will. I know that. Because, Father, I am your child.

Joseph: I know you have many questions. But you need to let them sleep in your heart for now. Why? Because your questions are the questions of a child. But the answers are the answers for a man. That is one bridge I cannot build. I don't know how. But God can, and we must trust him.
Jesus: I do. I trust him for everything.

Old Rabbi (Nazareth): [probing with trick questions] Why did the Lord break his covenant with King David?
Jesus: The Lord does not break his covenants. The throne is there.
Old Rabbi (Nazareth): Where is the King?
Jesus: He will come. And his house will last forever.
[soft chuckling among on-lookers]
Old Rabbi (Nazareth): Will a carpenter build it?
Jesus: Yes. There's always a carpenter. Even the Lord himself is a carpenter sometimes. How is the Lord a carpenter?
Old Rabbi (Nazareth): Tell me.
Jesus: Didn't the Lord himself tell Noah how to build the ark? What kind of wood to use, and how it should be pitched? And wasn't it the Lord who granted the vision of the new Temple to Prophet Ezekiel with the dimensions of the galleries, the gates, the altar?
Old Rabbi (Nazareth): Yes, it was.
Jesus: And when the Lord made the world, wasn't wisdom there like a master craftsman? If wisdom is not the Lord, what is wisdom? And when Cyrus the Persian decreed that we could return to our Holy Land, the carpenters came home to build the Temple as the Lord said it should be built.

The Demon: You are no child. Who are you? Why don't you dwell in the house of the Lord in Jerusalem? Answer me!
Jesus: [laying sick in bed] You don't know the answers. You don't know what's going to happen, do you? You don't know how it's going to end.
The Demon: Who are you? I demand you tell me!
[moving in closer]
Jesus: [sternly] Don't touch me! Never, ever lay your hands on me.
The Demon: Or what, angel child? I'll drop dead?

Jesus: Tell me about the angel.
Mary: Of course. I knew you'd ask that. But listen well, because I'm only going to tell this story once. I was a good girl, strictly raised and betrothed to Joseph. When one morning my room filled with light. It was white light like the sun, but with no heat or pain. It was pure like the air itself was glowing. I saw a figure, larger than a man, but like a man inside the light. And it spoke to me. It said, "Hail, Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee." I had found favor with the Lord, and I was blessed among women. It said that from my womb would come a son. You. Named Jesus.

The Book of Life (1998)
[about human beings]
Satan: It's amazing the things they do. They're inventing themselves now. Artificial intelligence and cybergenetics and so on.
Jesus Christ: It's impressive, I admit.
Satan: They're cross-fertilizing pears with apples and goats with sheeps, tobacco plants with lightning bugs.
Jesus Christ: Now that's just stupid.
Satan: Well, I agree.

Jesus Christ: My father He is a jealous god. To Him the law is everything. Even today, lawyers are His favorites.

Jesus Christ: I had considered the truth of the gospels to be self evident, but I had no idea it would be perverted by people who claimed to preach it in my name.

Lawyer: It's the Mormons. I'm outta here, you're on your own.
Jesus Christ: Now, who are the Mormons again?

The Visual Bible: The Gospel of John (2003)
Jesus Christ: I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me will live even though he dies and he who lives and believes in me will never die.

Jesus Christ: It is finished.

Jesus Christ: A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean, and you are all clean, all except one.

Jesus Christ: Lazarus, come out.

The Greatest Story Ever Told (1965)
[last lines]
Jesus: Go now, and teach all nations. Make it your first care to love one another and to find the kingdom of God, and all things shall be yours without me asking. Do not fret then for tomorrow; leave tomorrow to fret over its own needs, for today... today's troubles are enough. And lo, I am with you always, even onto the end of the world...

James the Younger: What is your name?
Jesus: Jesus
James the Younger: [excitedly] That's a good name!
Jesus: [smiling] Thank you.

Jesus: Do not weep for me; weep for yourselves, and for your children. For a time is coming when men will say "blessed are the barren, the wombs that never bore a child." And they will say to the mountains "fall on us," and to the hills "cover us," for if these things are done when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?

The Gospel According to St. Matthew (1964)
Christ: Capharnaum, do you hope to be lifted to heaven? You shall fall low as hell.

[last lines]
Christ: All authority in heaven and earth has been given to me. Make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy ghost teaching them to obey all the commandments I have given you. Behold, I am with you always, unto the end of the world.

Christ: Many are called, but few are chosen.

"American Dad!: Rapture's Delight (#5.9)" (2009)
Stan Smith: We can't use the open road. It's too dangerous.
Jesus Christ: What if we journey through Sector 16?
Stan Smith: Sector 16? The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
Jesus Christ: Fine. What about Sector 35?
Stan Smith: Sector 35 makes Sector 16 look like Sector 48!

Jesus Christ: Kneel before the Lord... punk.

Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ (1925)
Jesus Christ: A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another.

Jesus Christ: Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
Kyle Broflovski: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus Christ: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa Claus: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan Marsh: Yeah.

Kyle: You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But, it wasn't because of some magic goo - it was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorising people works.
Jesus: That's right - don't you see, Gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan: Yeah.

Johnny Got His Gun (1971)
Christ: No arms?
Joe: I havn't got anything. I'm just like a piece of meat that keeps on living.

Christ: What you need is a miracle.
Joe: No, not a miracle. Just tell me that the rat is real and the way I am now is a dream.

Forgiving the Franklins (2006)
[Jesus has been chopping down a cross]
Jesus Christ: These things aren't sacred, it's a piece of wood. It's a marketing tool, really, a very, very annoying marketing tool. Of all the things I tried to do with my life, this is how I'm remembered? This was the worst day of my life, don't get me started!

Jesus Christ: I do love you people. You know that, right?

"Jesus of Nazareth: Part 2 (#1.2)" (1977)
Pontius Pilate: Do you not realize I have the power to crucify you or set you free?
Jesus Christ: You wouldn't have that power if it hadn't been given to you.

Jesus Christ: What is the greatest commandment?
Joseph of Arimathea: Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole strength. And the second is like it: Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.
Jesus Christ: You have answered well. You are not far from the Kingdom of God, Joseph of Arimathea.

The Jesus Film (1979)
Jesus: Forgive them father, for they don't know what they do.

The Robe (1953)
Jesus Christ: Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

"Family Guy: Family Goy (#8.2)" (2009)
Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose?
Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap.
Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!

"Family Guy: I Dream of Jesus (#7.2)" (2008)
Meg Griffin: I love you, Jesus!
Jesus Christ: I love you too, fella.

"The Book of Daniel: Temptation (#1.1)" (2006)
Daniel Webster: You know, I've been meaning to ask you. Have I... been... chosen?
Jesus Christ: No.
Daniel Webster: Well, why do you talk to me then?
Jesus Christ: I talk to everybody.
Daniel Webster: Well, few mention it.
Jesus Christ: Few hear me. Some tell me what they want. Most don't listen.

The Gospel of Mark for Little Children (2009)
Jesus Christ: Meat things make these words: blood, sweat, and turds; anus, hearts, and brains.

Jesus' Deadbeat Dad (2011)
Jesus of Nazareth: Besides, Mary Magdalene's not my friend, she's just a whore...
Jesus of Nazareth: Yeah, she's a friend like I'm a virgin.

Son of God (2014)
Peter: What are we going to do, then?
Jesus: We are going to change the world...

"South Park: Super Best Friends (#5.3)" (2001)
Jesus: Come in, Moses!
Moses: What?
Jesus: We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.
Moses: [pause] Um...
Moses: ... a giant stone John Wilkes Booth?
Jesus: [Long pause] You heard him, Super Best Friends! We've got to make a giant stone John Wilkes Booth!

"South Park: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride (#1.4)" (1997)
Jimbo: Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
Jesus: Leave me alone.

"Family Guy: Chitty Chitty Death Bang (#1.3)" (1999)
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]

Zombiegeddon (2003) (V)
Jesus Christ: Stay and have some wine.
Laura: We don't have any wine.
Jesus Christ: We have tap water and glasses. I'm Jesus, I'll turn the water into wine!

"South Park: Are You There God? It's Me, Jesus (#3.16)" (1999)
Jesus: [to an old Rod Stewart in a wheel chair] Hey, Rod, great to see you. Uh, the folk are sure glad you're playing. It's giving them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure together we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod Stewart: Poop pants.
Jesus: You pooped your pants? Nurse, Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.
Nurse: Again? Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

"South Park: Red Sleigh Down (#6.17)" (2002)
[Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around]
Jesus: [shouts] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!
[an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him]
Kyle: [shouts] Jesus, behind you!
[Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back]
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [slow motion, in shock] Jesus!
[in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor]
Santa Claus: [in slow motion shock] No!
[he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal]
Santa Claus: Jesus! Jesus!
[Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth]
Santa Claus: No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: [groaning] You're a... bad liar.
[the boys are speechless]
Jesus: [continues groaning] Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa Claus: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: [groans] Santa?
Santa Claus: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: [voice turns to a whisper] Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.
[he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight]
Stan: Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards.

Risen (2016)
Yeshua: What frightens you?
Clavius: Being wrong.

Jesús, nuestro Señor (1971)
Maria Magdalena: Rabbi, can a woman like me hear your word?
[Apostles protesting]
Jesús: God make his sun rise on good and bad, and sends rain on the just and sinners. Come Mary Magdalene.
Maria Magdalena: Oh, you know my name, you know me.
Jesús: There is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that has been not knowing. From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. It's not you that has come to tempt me? But the 7 demons you have inside.
[Mary Magdalene looks in the heavens and in the ground]
Jesús: Pride, anger, sloth, lust, envy, gluttony and greed. Come out of it I I command!
[Mary Magdalene looks in the heavens and in the ground a second time]
Jesús: The torch of your body are your eyes, especially if one of your eyes is for you an occasion of sin. Take and throw him out of you!
Maria Magdalena: So tough is your law?
Jesús: The kingdom of heaven reaches alive and strength. Whoever wants to be saved, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me. So take my yoke among you, and learn of me that I am meek and humble of heart. And you shall find rest to your souls. And when repentance fills your heart, come back to me, Mary Magdalene.
[Jesus walks away and his 12 apostles as well and a crowd of people]
Maria Magdalena: So life he speaks of death?

"South Park: Fantastic Easter Special (#11.5)" (2007)
[Jesus and Kyle are locked in a separate prison cell apart from Pope Benedict XVI's cell; Jesus furiously saws at a chain keeping the door closed with a file in his right hand]
Pope Benedict XVI: [in remorse] Forgive me, Jesus.
Jesus: [furious about Bill Donohue] We'll never get out in time to stop him!
Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers?
Jesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death.
[he pauses for a second]
Jesus: [realizing] Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: [shocked] What?
Jesus: Stab me with this.
[he brings out a small dagger]
Jesus: If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: [reluctant] No way! Do it yourself!
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick.
[he kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle, then points at his own neck]
Jesus: [continues] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
Kyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this.
Jesus: [shouts] My son, there is no time! *Do it!*
Kyle: [still looking and pondering] Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: [still kneeling, looking at Kyle] I understand. And Kyle... Happy Easter.
[he waits patiently for his moment of death and rebirth]
Kyle: [pauses, then reluctantly] Happy Easter, Jesus.
[he stabs Jesus in the throat, and at once Jesus stands up in pain with a gargling scream, his blood spewing everywhere from his throat; still screaming, he walks around for a few seconds while smearing blood on the wall, his screams and groans turning silent, then falls forward to the floor and dies; his halo falls from his head and rolls away with a metallic clink]
Kyle: [in shock at seeing Jesus' body] ... Jesus?