Lt. Colonel John Sheppard
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Quotes for
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard (Character)
from "Stargate: Atlantis" (2004)

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"Stargate: Atlantis: Progeny (#3.5)" (2006)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You mean, you have a plan?
Oberoth: We do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great, let's hear it.
[Oberoth stares at him blankly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: You plan, I mean.
Oberoth: I doubt that you would be able to grasp its complexity and scope.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fortunately, I'm very good with complexity.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And scope.

Teyla Emmagan: Might it not be possible that these people merely discoved this city, as you discovered Atlantis?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Wouldn't be surprised. They didn't seem very Ancienty to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, that's the word I was looking for.

Niam: Oberoth can be... intractable.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not exactly the word I was looking for.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Un-Ancienty?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not that word either.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Still nothing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still nothing.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who the hell are you people?
Dr. Rodney McKay: They're not people, they're machines. They're replicators!

Niam: It is real, Dr. McKay. Your minds are no longer being probed.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good to know it was just our minds.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, please don't make me sick.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And Oberoth will agree to this?
Niam: I believe Oberoth is attacking Atlantis as a result of that programming. If we can prove to him that it can be altered...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You think he'll see the light?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Hallelujah.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Ancients?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's got one of their scanners.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So do we.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [about Ronon's gun] Put that thing away. I told 'em we were friendly.
Ronon Dex: I'm friendly.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Is that thing set to stun?
[Ronon sets it to stun]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Friendlier.

Niam: [regarding ZPMs] Oh yes. We have many of those.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Exactly how many is many?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly doesn't matter. Many is plenty.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [regarding ZPMs] I assume that you... built them yourselves?
Niam: Yes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Easy, Rodney, you're slobbering.

Dr. Rodney McKay: He says the other Ancients are arrogant?
Niam: I'm sorry if you thought Oberoth was condescending in any way.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How 'bout in every way.
Niam: It is difficult for him to see you as capable of understanding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, how many Ph.Ds does he have?

Oberoth: Lower your weapons.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much lower would you like them?
Oberoth: Do you really wish to challenge us?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe the floor?
[lowers weapon]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Niam] You're the one we like, so don't take this personally.
[Ronon knocks Niam out]

Dr. Rodney McKay: [John is going to manually set off the self-destruct] No, no, no! I can't let you do this, not without tossing a coin or something! It doesn't seem right!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I appreciate the offer, Rodney. Now, get out of here!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What'd they do to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Torture, in ways to hideous and... intimate to recount?
Ronon Dex: Like what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said "too hideous to recount."

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is bad. They're very similar to an artificle intelligence that SG-1 encountered several years ago that evolved from a tiny block replicator into human form. They may even be related somehow.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I read those reports. Stargate Command could barely defeat the human form replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which is why I said, "this is bad."

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's it coming Rodney?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Slowly.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's the hold-up?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What's the hold-up? Do you have any idea what I'm trying to do here?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Niam gave you access to the program code, and you're screwing around with it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that is so... relatively accurate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thank you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, we're not dealing with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots here. We are dealing with a complex codeof over three billion chemical base sequences. It's like trying to reconfigure the DNA double helix.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay, so, what? Five minutes?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Exactly, but , while I was working on it, I figured out a way to create a glitch that, on my command, should momentarily freeze them.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "Should."
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, if you will, I mean, dead in their tracks. Like hitting the pause button. Only temporarily, until they figure out how to override it.
Ronon Dex: How long?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I don't know. That's why I said "momentarily."
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Days? Hours? Minutes?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, look, it's minutes, but I don't know. That's what I was just saying to him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 10? 20?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, fine, you want a number? Fine, seven. 7 minutes and 31 seconds. Are you happy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's not enough time.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, well, you wanted a number.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A bigger number!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it may very well be longer.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or shorter.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Look, you're missing the point.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen, focus, please.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So much for seven and a half minutes.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was an *arbitrary* number.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, as soon as I trigger the overload there'll be practically zero lag time before it blows.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Practically?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, so, like, a few seconds for it to build up power -
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 5? 10?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again with the arbitrary numbers!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Either the Ancients purposely conceiled every record, extremely well, I might add, or they simply deleted them from the database. I'm leaning towards the latter.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Perhaps the think they've truly destroyed them all.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or they didn't want anyone to know they failed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Again. God, there is nothing more annoying than people who won't admit their own mistakes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [He and Radek share a look] True.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Sateda (#3.4)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson and even Rodney are the closest thing I have to...
Teyla Emmagan: A Family.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'd do anything for you guys.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Over here.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know, we take for granted all of the simple things in life... like sitting.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't envy you. Must be a pain in the ass.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hah. How long have you been thinking of that one?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Longer than I'd like to admit.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Something wrong?
Ronon Dex: I have a bad feeling.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I always feel like that. Like something horrible is about to happen.
Teyla Emmagan: How do you live?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I get used to it. Thing is, when someone else also has that feeling, mine gets worse.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, my God, it hurts! I can't feel me leg!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Pain or numbness?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Both!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look... I can't say the Wraith won't be back here again, but I can promise you they're not coming back here because of him.
Keturah: No. Not once we've sacrificed the Wraithbringer to his masters.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He prefers 'Ronon.' Probably also prefers not to be sacrificed to the Wraith.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [from the floor] I'm here. You know... you really don't appreciate the simple things in life. Like... sitting.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't envy you. It must be a real pain in the ass.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Aw... how long did you work on that?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Longer than I care to admit.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: But these sensors only cover a small corner of the galaxy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Unless they're calibrated to pick up a signal using subspace. How about I leave the bad jokes to you, and you leave the brilliant science stuff to me?

Colonel Steven Caldwell: I won't bail you out if you get in trouble.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You say that as if we're always getting in trouble.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, Teyla... I'm not really good at, uh... actually, I'm... I'm terrible at expressing... I don't know what you'd call it, uh...
Teyla Emmagan: Feelings?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, sure, okay. The point is, I don't really have good, uh...
Teyla Emmagan: Social skills?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, that is why I enjoyed flying choppers in the most remote part of my world before all this craziness happened, but, uh, you should know, I don't have, uh...
Teyla Emmagan: Friends?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. I have friends.
[pauses]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You, Elizabeth, Ronon, Carson, even Rodney, are the closest thing I have to a...
Teyla Emmagan: A family?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'd do anything... for any one of you. If I had to give up my life the way Ronon was going to, I would.
[gets up from the table and starts to leave]
Teyla Emmagan: Thank you. For everything you... meant to say.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What is going on down there? You have at least twenty-five Wraith closing in on your position from ground level.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It seems Ronon doesn't want to leave.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, too bad! You tell that ungrateful example of unevolved humanity that we came all this way to rescue him, so he'd better get off his...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: McKay says he's very hurt you won't come with us.

Ronon Dex: I'm gonna kill the Wraith responsible for all this.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't suppose he happens to be one of the ones out there that's about to come in here?
Ronon Dex: No.

Dr. Rodney McKay: That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know, killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.

Dr. Carson Beckett: There's more than one gun, we can both bloody go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well someone has to stay with the jumper...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [over the radio] That's it. We got 'em all. McKay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [checks the HUD] Yeah, it's just you guys left. Well, that was quick.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I got six. Teyla got...
Teyla Emmagan: Eight.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I got nine, Teyla got eight, Ronon got the rest.

Ronon Dex: You kill him before I do, I kill you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What if he kills you first?
Ronon Dex: Then you kill him.

Ronon Dex: Which one of you killed the Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: [smiles proudly] That would be me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: My idea.
Teyla Emmagan: Ronon...
Dr. Carson Beckett: What?
[worried]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Don't tell me you're not happy that he's dead.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I had him in my sights, but Ronon said he'd kill me if I shot him.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was all Beckett's idea.
Ronon Dex: [hugs Carson] Thanks, doc.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, him you thank?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I could've killed him at any time, but Teyla wouldn't let me.
Ronon Dex: Thank you. All of you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, don't mention it.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's nothing, really. I only killed eleven, twelve Wraith.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So there are seven runners?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We can't be certain. But I bet that's Ronon.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How do you know?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Because that's Sateda, Ronon's home planet.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell is going on down there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ronon thinks he can get the head Wraith responsible for all this to come down and fight him if we kill all these Wraith first.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. Killing a bunch of Wraith always seems like a good idea to me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: They outnumber you 25 to 3.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It's actually 22 to 3... 21...
Teyla Emmagan: And Ronon appears to be quite angry.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, that evens it out.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Phantoms (#3.9)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Do you suppose the Genii are responsible for the energy readings we're detecting?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Probably. It'd be just our luck we've stumbled on one of their nuclear testing sites.
Lt. Kagan: [worried] Nuclear testing site?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just a small one.

Ronon Dex: A Wraith bunker, but no Wraith.
Teyla Emmagan: It appears to have been abandoned for some time.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The Genii probably stumbled on to it just like we did.
Dr. Carson Beckett: And then promptly killed each other. Why?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Another Hardy Boys mystery.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What is this?
Dr. Carson Beckett: It appears to be organic.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's like the energy conduit aboard a Wraith ship... and every bit as disgusting.

Lt. Kagan: This frequency... can it hurt us?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's doubtful, apart from the obvious sterility issues.
Lt. Kagan: Wh-What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's kidding. You're kidding, right?
[Rodney makes a non-committal noise]

Dr. Rodney McKay: Can we stop for a second?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, I mean no disrespect, but this guy's heavy and ever since I was shot in the ass by an arrow, I've been prone to sciattica.
[beat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: No?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [They both look at destroyed DHD] Is there any other way to dial? And don't say no if there is *any* possibility, because I am not in the mood for your usual impossible heroics game.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wouldn't do that!

Teyla Emmagan: I am trying to impress upon Dr. McKay that determining how to turn the thing off is more pressing than learning what it actually does.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't even know what it does?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I can now state for certain that it is, in fact, a generator.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We already knew that.

Teyla Emmagan: Is that what made all these people kill each other?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I hope so.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You hope so?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Otherwise, there are two bizarre things going on, and one is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Genii. They must have discovered the place, started messing around with the machine without having the first clue as to what they were doing. Which explains why the place is covered in this.
[indicates organic material]
Teyla Emmagan: And before the realized what they'd done ...
Dr. Rodney McKay: They couldn't figure out how to turn it off, so they shot the thing, hoping they could somehow kill it, which only made it regrow more, make it that much more difficult for someone with the ability to actually turn it off *to* actually turn it off.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So you can't actually turn it off?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I never said that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, what *did* you say?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry. I'm fine. No violent urges yet. What about you? Getting any ideas about killing me?
Teyla Emmagan: No.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's good to hear.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Did you hear that?
Teyla Emmagan: What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Engines. Like a Jeep. not that you would know what a Jeep sounds like.

[Throughout the scene, Rodney is complaining that John shot him]
Dr. Rodney McKay: [third time] You shot me.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [exasperated] Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.
Ronon Dex: You shot me, too.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How are Rodney and Teyla?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: They're both fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney, I shot you, and I said I was sorry.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm sorry for shooting everyone!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I can't believe you shot me!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Get some sleep Rodney!


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 1 (#3.10)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Felt a little weird but everything seems to be in one piece.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What if you were forced out of your home because of war, and you came back to find someone sitting on your couch, eating your cheetos, watching your TV?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [raising his chin in the air] I'd be fine with that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No you wouldn't.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Ronon and Teyla] You guys want any of this stuff: Johnny Cash poster, skateboard, sudoku books?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: This sucks.
Ronon Dex: Yeah.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well before our paths uncross, can you guys help me out with these boxes? I'll throw in a pizza and some beer.
Teyla Emmagan: Popcorn?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And popcorn for givi...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Ronon hugs John around the waist, pulling him off the ground] Oh my god!

Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to send them a message before they get out of range and we have to jump ahead. Uh, something like, you know, "We are humans from Earth currently occupying Atlantis, uh, yada, yada, yada..."
Maj. John Sheppard: Why don't we just ask 'em to slow down?
Captain Dave Kleinman: Kleinman's console beeps. Colonel Caldwell. The unidentified vessel is slowing down.
Maj. John Sheppard: Maybe they heard me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: looking at the pilot's console: No, they saw us. They're not just slowing down - they're slamming on the brakes something like twenty-seven gees.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oscar Wilde?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Princess Bride. Good movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [on the phone with Sheppard] You know, the truth is I...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't want to use the term lonely, but there are certain people who I miss...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Me
Dr. Rodney McKay: You, not so much. You, I'm on my cell phone with. You, I'm having dinner with tomorrow night.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: See you tomorrow night.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wouldn't miss it!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You should call her.
Dr. Carson Beckett: Who? Cadman?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You guys did make a cute couple.
Dr. Carson Beckett: It didn't work out. Maybe it had to do with our first kiss being through Rodney.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [cell phones ring] Sheppard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: McKay.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Hello?
Dr. Carson Beckett: [only one not answering a phone] I didn't bring my bloody cell phone with me? What's happening?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to Teyla and Ronon about Athosian food] That smells great! You save some for us?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [about Carson's turtles] Turtles are pretty hardy, I'm sure they'll be fine.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Plus, they're really good in soup.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll be damned if we let some replicators take our home from us.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Common Ground (#3.7)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, dial the damn 'gate. Don't wait for us!
Dr. Rodney McKay: As if the bullets whizzing past my head weren't encouragement enough!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [by himself in a prison cell] Kolya! I didn't kill you last time, remember? You promised me points for that. Kolya! Dammit. I should have killed him.

Male Wraith: There is no escape.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, well, prisons are like that. Never stopped me before. How long you been down here?
Male Wraith: Many years.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many is many? 5? 10?
Male Wraith: It no longer matters.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That many, huh?

Soldier: Move.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Where are we movin' to?
[Soldier cocks gun]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I kind of like it heere.
[Soldier shoots the wall behind John]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ow!
Soldier: Commander Kolya insists.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, he insists? Well, why didn't you just say so?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to the Wraith prisoner who just fed on him] This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm not really in the mood for conversation. So why don't you do me a favor and
[shouts]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: shut the hell up!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought you said this wasn't personal.
Commander Acastus Kolya: The truth is, I would've settled for Dr. McKay. But I don't imagine i would enjoy his constant wailing.

Commander Acastus Kolya: You'd prefer I stormed Atlantis and take Ladon by force?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [laughs] You've got... half a dozen men and a starving Wraith? Yeah, you go right ahead.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know, I could've sworn I was gonna wake up dead today.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You stopped yourself.
Male Wraith: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Why?
Male Wraith: Because, the longer I feed, the weaker you become... and we will need what strength you have left to escape.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now he wants to escape.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How far is the stargate?
Male Wraith: It will be guarded.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got guns.
Male Wraith: They will be waiting for us.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't be so negative.
[Wraith grunts]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You think you're gonna make it?
Male Wraith: If I feed.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, don't look at me.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You have no idea where the stargate is, do you?
Male Wraith: It was many years ago.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Way to go, John - listening to a Wraith!

Commander Acastus Kolya: [over the radio] Kill the Wraith on sight, but I want Sheppard alive.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we learned two things. One, he likes me better than you.
[Wraith laughs]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Two, we probably never would've made it to the stargate anyway.
Male Wraith: Then it is over.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. Our people don't leave each other behind. That's three things you've learned.

Soldier: [Over the radio] Tell Kolya there's nobody around the 'gate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Sounds like they're concentrating their search around the 'gate. They must think we knew where we were going.
Male Wraith: [laughs ruefully] Oh, it was worth it... if only to see the sky again.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I got slightly higher expectations.
Male Wraith: My wound is deep. If I do not feed soon... I will die.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Buck up.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresistible (#3.3)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, let's just make contact, buy our souvenirs, and...
[sees multiple beautiful women]
Dr. Rodney McKay: get out of here!
Willa: Fair day to you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fair day to *you*. Nothing here. We should probably go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, probably wouldn't hurt to make contact with the locals, though.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, when you're right, you're right.

Lucius Lavin: I have, I have to say, some of the best ointments around.
[John sneezes]
Lucius Lavin: See, I could take care of that,
[snaps]
Lucius Lavin: just like that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just a cold.
Lucius Lavin: Nevertheless, I have a potion that could get rid of that in six or seven days.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Mm.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [sarcastically] That's impressive.
Lucius Lavin: You get used to it.

Dr. Rodney McKay: One lousy gate, we're never gonna meet our quota at this rate.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What quota?
Dr. Rodney McKay: My quota.

Dr. Carson Beckett: There's so much he can offer us!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Is this the same guy who said he could cure my cold in a week?
Dr. Carson Beckett: I know my business, Colonel Sheppard. He happens to have created several remedies that are quite remarkable.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Really? That guy?

Dr. Carson Beckett: He's a very wise and kind man.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Are you feeling all right?
Dr. Carson Beckett: What do you mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just you're acting... a little...
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Smitten?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I had another word in mind.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Teyla... this is the same man who asked you to be his seventh wife.
Teyla Emmagan: [worried] I know. I hope I didn't upset him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: This is creeping me out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, it reminds me of an old episode of Batman, actually. Catwoman used a drug to put a spell on Batman, make him fall in love with her. Ended up doing all sorts of evil things for her. kind of a turn-on, actually. It was Julie Newmar in the catsuit...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Eartha Kitt was Catwoman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not till season three.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Really?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you didn't know that?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth wants to send a team to check out a gate at a suspected Wraith outpost.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What is she, nuts?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Everybody's nuts, Rodney. Haven't you noticed?

Dr. Rodney McKay: You're leaving me here alone?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You said you needed the liquid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but the place is turning into a nuthouse.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Somebody's gotta stay. Just keep away from the nuts.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought you said you were gonna stay away from the nuts.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, I tried to keep to myself, but Lucius here was concerned for me, so he just came down, Ronon held me against the wall, and we had a nice, long talk.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So everyone here... back to normal?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: We're still fine, John.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No lingering desires? Secret longings for his touch?
Dr. Carson Beckett: It's embarrassing enough without you constantly reminding us, thank you.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, buddy, I'd better get back and clean your quarters before the next scout.
[Runs off]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was one teeny, tiny taste for research purposes.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Burn it.
Dr. Carson Beckett: All of it.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Right now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. Story of my life.


"Stargate: Atlantis: McKay and Mrs. Miller (#3.8)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You need to pack your toothbrush and head back to Earth.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Carter needs help.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [smugly] With what?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Your sister.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Jeannie] What have you told them?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We weren't talking about you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you weren't?
Teyla Emmagan: No. We were discussing many things.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now, when the issue of bedwetting happended to come up, she may have mentioned something about your childhood.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That is not true.
Ronon Dex: Relax. We all have embarrassing childhood stories.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Of course we do.
Ronon Dex: There was one time the school bullies made me eat lunch with my underwear on my head.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [slightly hopeful] Oh...
Ronon Dex: Oh, wait, that was you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, hardy har-har.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Has he talked about his sister with you?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Once or twice is passing. Usually like, "Oh, come on, even my sister can do that!" You know, that type of thing.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [comes into the mess to find everyone eating and laughing] What is this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, Meredith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, wonderful.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Say what you want. I know what this is all about.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, really, Mr. MENSA in a parallel universe, what is this all about?

Dr. Rodney McKay: [comes into the mess to find everyone for the third time] Am I just not getting the team e-mails anymore?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Take it easy. We're just talking about Rod.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, of course you are.
Teyla Emmagan: Do you think he made it back to his universe?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's hard to say, really, but I doubt he'll be back, though.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's good, uh, we found him a little creepy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Ronon Dex: I can't stand people who are nice all the time. It makes me feel like they're trying to hide something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Teyla Emmagan: He kept trying to correct *me* on my Athosian history. It grew tiresome very quickly.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, he wasn't that bad.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's be honest. Rod was annoying.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'll be honest with you. That's kind of nice to hear. Now...
[pulls up a chair as the rest of the team smiles]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What else has been happening?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, Teyla's got the hots for one of the new Marines.
[Teyla kicks him in the leg]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ow!
Teyla Emmagan: That is *not* true.
Ronon Dex: You know it is.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hardly new, either.
[everyone smiles and laughs as the show fades out]

Dr. Rodney McKay: She's married and she's my sister.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm just saying hi.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know exactly what your doing... Kirk.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Did you just call him 'Mer'?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's a pet name.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Whatever you say Meredith!

Dr. Rodney McKay: What does Elizabeth have to say about this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: "Two McKays are better than one"

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And that would...?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Be bad.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, I got that.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How bad?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Echoes (#3.12)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're the one who volunteered to go.
Ronon Dex: If I do something like that again, shoot me.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: He was like this all night. You know, very agitated. Had me scared.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, how long have you been standing there?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hour or so.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? Why didn't you say anything? I feel like a - oh. It's the kidding.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You named him after Samantha Carter?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well Sam's a boy's name too.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You didn't feed him, did you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Rodney is slightly deaf] Rodney? Canadian football league's a joke. Celine Dion is overrated. Zelenka is smarter than you are.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So, these, uh, whales. Did the Ancients say they're good eating?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you wouldn't!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I would.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You are not gonna believe this. I've been monitoring Sam on the underwater scanner...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Stop calling him that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's creepy!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, it's not.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That guy's the size of a football field!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, a *Canadian* football field.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, wanna take a closer look?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Umm...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Come on.

Dr. Rodney McKay: This is not a good plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Sure it is.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You realise just how close we'll have to get to the sun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Pretty damned close, I'm thinkin'.
Dr. Rodney McKay: *Suicidally* close. I mean, we'll be toast.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Misbegotten (#3.2)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [about the hive ship] You figured out how to fly the thing yet?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah, fly, shimmy, spin like a top. You didn't think it'd be hard, did you?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: We've all logged more than a few miles these past few weeks. I'd just like to say that... seeing you now, sitting across from me... looking at your faces... It makes me feel very...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You don't have to say it.
Teyla Emmagan: We feel the same way you do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, she feels hungry, too?
[smiles at Elizabeth]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How many maneuvers can you pull off with your manual interface?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, does standing still count as a maneuver?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
[Elizabeth smiles]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [stomping into Elizabeth's office] Just out of political curiosity, how much trouble is it gonna cost you if I knock this Woolsey guy in the head?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: May I ask why you'd like to do that?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just an impulse I had, really. One, I suspect, I'm gonna have again, next time I see him. He may not even have to say anything.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I've never seen you like this. What did Woolsey say to you?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Besides judging every damn decision you've ever made?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: John Sheppard, are you defending my honor?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [about Woolsey] I wouldn't be too hard on him. I think of all the circling wolves, he's the least likely to actually bite. In fact, he may even convince the others to leave us alone.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, so, uh... no head-knocking.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It's the thought that counts.

Dr. Rodney McKay: That's weird. A bunch of secondary systems just came online.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're a genius, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: True, but I didn't do it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How did they contact the ship so far out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have no idea. Teyla, what do you think?
Teyla Emmagan: It is possible that a group of them acting together could communicate over much larger distances.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, live and learn.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And live some more, hopefully.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What about the fail-safe device? What kind of kill zone are we looking at?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Everything within a three-mile radius is toast.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You sure about that? We've got no margin for error here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The blast radius doesn't just stop at three miles.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How are you doing with the weapons?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We couldn't hit the side of a barn.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hive ships are a hundred times bigger...
Dr. Rodney McKay: A giant flying barn, we couldn't hit that.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Inferno (#2.19)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That ship in the hangar... Maybe McKay can fix it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, maybe I can fix it, place the pressure squarely on my shoulders for a change!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I've discovered you're pretty good under the threat of impending death!
[McKay pauses, clears throat]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ...I am, actually.
[McKay runs off to the fix the ship]

Dr. Rodney McKay: The long range scanners: that's just what we call them.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's from an old TV show...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, yes.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: I should head back with you and begin negotiations with the Taranan leader. What's he like?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, you know. He's a guy. Didn't pay much attention. Sorry!

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Hopefully we can establish an alliance with them. A ship like that...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: would come very much in handy now that the Wraith are probably on their way: I know. Uh, I'm gonna get back there now: make sure he's not distracted.
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Distracted?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Ah, well, the lead scientist, uh, she's very, um...
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Hot?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I was gonna say attractive. But McKay is acting very, uh...
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Smitten?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I was gonna say pathetic.

Dr. Rodney McKay: ...And, I've uh, discovered the ships name... It's the, um, Hipapheralkus.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well it appears to have been named after an Ancient general... Hipapheralkus.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we're not calling it that!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh good, then what about, um...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: -And we're not calling it the Enterprise, either!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I wasn't gonna say that! Look, for my second choice, though, I'd go with, um...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How about we name it later?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

Dr. Rodney McKay: It's plenty of time to open a hyperspace window.
[pause]
Dr. Rodney McKay: What? That's my plan. Didn't I tell you about that?
Dr. Carson Beckett: No.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, you didn't.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, you were too busy running around looking for people.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, tell us the damn plan.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fixing the sublight engines was impossible in the amount of time we had left, they were just too badly damaged, but I devised a sort of a patch that in effect diverts auxiliary power to the hyperdrive. Only enough for a fraction of a second mind you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That won't get us very far.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We don't need to go far. Any old orbit will do.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And then what?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, then Norina and I were planning a small dinner for us all, nothing fancy...
Norina: Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, what does he mean then what? Then we won't die horribly.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very firm grasp of Ancient technology.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You've blown up entire planets, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That wasn't my fault!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't have time to wait for the Daedelus. How are those engines coming?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not even close.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well then I guess we're all going to die.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, you're doing that on purpose.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Creating an impossible task that my ego will force me to overcome.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. It has nothing at all to do with saving the lives these people, it's all about you. Get your ass back to work and FIX THOSE DAMN ENGINES!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So your plan is to not blow a hole in the hangar but to sit here and wait for this cataclysmic eruption to take place.
Dr. Rodney McKay: With the shields and inertial dampeners at full strength, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think I may be missing something. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the volcano erupts, don't we as well?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's the plan?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the plan!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That plan sucks!
Dr. Carson Beckett: Aye!
Dr. Rodney McKay: This ship will be ejected along with the magma and steam several thousand feet into the air.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The ship can survive that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: For exactly 4.1 seconds, yes. Look, the hangar should disintegrate. The moment we're clear, we open a brief hyperspace window, jump to space before the explosion depletes our shields and incinerates us, hmm?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Nervously] OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Dr. Carson Beckett: Very clever, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well don't thank me until it works... which it probably won't.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Shrine (#5.6)" (2008)
Jeannie Miller: Why the hell didn't you tell me my brother was this far gone?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It all happened pretty fast, Jeannie.
Jeannie Miller: No... I got a message from him just a couple of weeks ago. He seemed perfectly fine; he'd never been so nice.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: That would have been shortly after he became infected. I didn't recognize the symptoms in time.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's not your fault, doc.
Richard Woolsey: Frankly Mrs. Miller, we contacted you as soon as we became aware of the seriousness of his condition. In fact, Daedalus dropped you off in the first available gate in Pegasus because we were concerned that you wouldn't make it here in time. We thought you deserved a chance to say goodbye.

Richard Woolsey: Dr. Keller wanted to take a moment to prepare him for your visit.
Jeannie Miller: Yeah, I think I need a moment myself. How did this happen to him?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: There was a little snafu on our last mission.

Richard Woolsey: Colonel Sheppard, when you reach the research camp, please remind Dr. Nichols that he is now one hour and fifteen minutes overdue for his scheduled check-in.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright. Want me to smack him around or anything?
Richard Woolsey: Just the reminder please.
Teyla Emmagan: Shouldn't we be concerned for Dr. Nichols' team?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. The settlement's a half hour away from the gate and Woolsey's got him checking in every six. I'm sure Nichols is just tired of taking the round trip.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Still, wouldn't hurt to bust his chops a bit. That Nichols is so arrogant.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [the team emerged from a Stargate that was unexpectedly underwater and is stuck on top] . Alright, everybody. We'll be warm soon enough.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think I got wetter than you did.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't know. I think I got a little damp dialing the DHD.
Teyla Emmagan: The research camp is further up this valley. I'm a little concerned for Dr. Nichols' team.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [into radio] Anyone at the research camp, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond. I repeat, this is Colonel Sheppard, please respond.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm pretty sure they're all dead.
Teyla Emmagan: We can't know that Rodney!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [in a hospital bed] Hey, can I go now? I feel a little silly lying here.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I'm keeping you under observation for a little longer. Besides, I ordered you dinner.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, then you can observe me eat, because I'm famished.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's official: he's better.

Richard Woolsey: I think you've just made a case for my proposal to send a MALP ahead of every single transit.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Stuff happens, Woolsey. And by stuff, I mean...
Richard Woolsey: I know what you mean, thank you.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Jennifer says it's gonna get worse now, almost by the hour. In a week or so, I won't even remember my own name. How's about... How 'bout we say goodbye now?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you mean, no?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I mean I'm not saying goodbye.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying it anyway.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Then I'm not listening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, but pretty soon I won't even know who you are.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well I'll remind you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah but I don't want you to see me like that. I want you to remember me as I am, as your genius friend, not as some shi...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: -NOT happening.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Please.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're stuck with me, Rodney, just accept it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah bu...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No! And that's final.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Okay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [meaningful pause] You're a good friend, Arthur.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Looks over, sees McKay is joking, and spits out his beer laughing]

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not going anywhere. You know, you wanna hang out, you just hang out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you up.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it's a nice night out. Let's go have some beer on the pier, okay?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I drink beer?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Absolutely not.
Jeannie Miller: We're talking about saving your life.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [brandishing the drill] Look, my brain is not some new deck off the back of your house.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm not the one doing the surgery.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Keller] Yeah, and as my parting advice, you need to stop letting these guys talk you into doing stupid things.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I can do it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Jeannie Miller: And I'm fairly sure I can modify the life signs detector.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, with my help.
Jeannie Miller: So help.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, this isn't one of those PBS brain surgeries where my scull is open and we're having a conversation...
Dr. Jennifer Keller: I have enough anesthetic to put you out, you're not gonna feel a thing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's probably a *hammer*.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Tao of Rodney (#3.14)" (2006)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Alright. Like I said, as far as I can tell, he's as healthy as a horse. I'm clearing you for active duty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are you insane? Look, I need to be put under guard. Who knows what I could become?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What are the chances it could make him more pleasant?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep an eye on him.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Thank you!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can you still see me?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Have there been any other instances of this power manifesting itself?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Powers. Plural.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What else can you do besides telekinesis?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, super-hearing for one, and I'm not sure but I think I may actually be getting smarter. It's hard to say for sure because I was pretty smart to start with but, um, recently I've been having some ideas that I don't think even I would have thought of before.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Does super-ego count as a power?

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: We could also be dealing with a super-appetite, although it's hard to tell because he ate so much before.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Very funny.
Dr. Carson Beckett: My God! He's eatin' again!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I have a very active metabolism.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I think he's having a hard time accepting this can't be solved with science, no matter how brilliant he is.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: You know what he needs? He needs to... release his burden.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yeah, well, you know McKay.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe Doctor Heightmeyer can help.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of you.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Me?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Mmm-hmm. You lived with the Ancients for six months on the brink of ascension. You helped them face their fears and finally ascend.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I fought a scary monster - that's what I do best.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And for Rodney, I'm sure this seems like a pretty scary monster.

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Truth is, I was never really very good at this myself.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So why am I here?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Elizabeth made me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Yeah. Me too.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I think in the grand scheme of things, we're... we're good, aren't we?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Of course.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right. Look, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to read my eulogy.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: I *refuse* to discuss that.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just keep it simple. Um, make up a few nice things. I'd like my little sister to be there... and, oh, you should know that I told Beckett that he should most definitely do a full autopsy. He can use my body for any kind of experimentation that might prove helpful, and, uh... Oh, and I'd like to be cremated, with my ashes to be, uh... thrown out into space from the Jumper...
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: [Rodney collapses] Rodney... Rodney!

Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: There must be something we can do.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's OK. You know, I'm actually feeling a sense of peace... interspersed with moments of sheer terror, of course.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, as far as this ascension thing, I know you didn't have much success but at this point, what've you got to lose?
Dr. Rodney McKay: May as well go out fighting, huh?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Absolutely.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hook me up.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, you're a good person. Know that we love you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You love me? Really? All of you?
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: In a way a friend feels about another friend.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just saying that because I'm gonna die. Oh, God. I can't believe I'm gonna die.
Lt... Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, just back to the blue skies. Let your thoughts go.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Hide and Seek (#1.2)" (2004)
Dr. Peter Grodin: If both codes are properly entered the Naquada generator will overload. It will take thirty seconds.
Lt. Aiden Ford: You sure it'll do enough damage?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Ever seen a 20 kiloton nuclear explosion?
Major John Sheppard: I have.
Major John Sheppard: [everyone stares, he shrugs] Not up close.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hit me.
[Grodin hits him, but a force shield stops him]
Dr. Peter Grodin: Ow, God!
Dr. Rodney McKay: You didn't have to swing so hard, and notice he didn't even hesitate.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm still trying to understand how you thought it was a good idea to test this device by having someone throw you off a balcony.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, believe me, that's not the first thing we tried.
Major John Sheppard: I shot him. In the leg!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm invulnerable!
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Aren't you the one who's always spouting off about how proper and careful scientific procedure must be adhered to?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [singing] Invulnerable.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Alright, take it off. Let's go have this meeting.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're just jealous.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh yes, green with envy!

Major John Sheppard: Listen, Teyla. Uh, don't tell McKay what I said about hockey not being a real man's sport 'cause, uh, it's a Canadian thing, a little touchy about it.

Carson Beckett M. D.: He fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, there's gotta be a better word!
Carson Beckett M. D.: Faint is the proper medical term.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I passed out from... manly hunger.
Major John Sheppard: Well, hang in there.
[He turns his radio on]
Major John Sheppard: Doctor Weir, this is Sheppard. Uh, McKay's OK. He, uh, he fainted.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, yes, very sympathetic! Let's all mock the dying man! Thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [opening his eyes] What happened?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You did it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: It went through the Gate.
Major John Sheppard: You must have passed out.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh. Well, thanks for not saying the other thing.

Teyla Emmagan: What is a 'Hail Mary?'
Major John Sheppard: It's a play, that you just saw.
[pause, Teyla looks confused]
Major John Sheppard: It's named after a prayer. See, there's this woman and her name is Mary; and she uh... Did I mention how much I like ferris wheels?

Major John Sheppard: I think you're gonna need a bigger boat.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Size doesn't matter.
Major John Sheppard: That's a myth.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Trinity (#2.6)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Best case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I win a Nobel Prize.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Worst case scenario?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We tear a hole in the fabric of the universe... which is much less likely to happen than the Nobel Prize. I mean, look, the risks are nothing compared to the potential benefits. Elizabeth will listen to you. I have never asked this of you before, but I think I've earned it. Trust me.

Colonel Steven Caldwell: A weapon that could effectively eliminate the Wraith threat is very attractive to me, and to the people that I work for. I'm not hiding that fact. But there's more to it, isn't there? No more hunting for ZPMs; the shield at full strength; faster, more powerful ships. How 'bout a power source that could provide the energy needs for an entire planet? No more fossil fuels.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I get it! And if it worked as advertised, it would be wonderful. I'm trying to tell you I know Rodney McKay and there are times when I have to protect him from himself.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I can do that. Let me go back with him - just him and me. You can activate the Stargate any time you want to contact us by radio.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: He really sold you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He asked me to trust him.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] Rodney, I cannot afford to lose either one of you. Now tell me: can you do this?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you sure you're sure?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I said yes!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Because if you're wrong...
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to his radio] I'll call you back after the test - how does that sound?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: [via radio] You'd better.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] I won't let you down.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's it. We're outta here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's not safe! The weapon's firing at random targets above the planet. This is the safest place to be right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The place isn't gonna be safe for very much longer!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I can bring it back under control! Just give me a second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, you can't!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just one second!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I've seen this before, Rodney: pilots who wouldn't eject when something went wrong - trying to fix their planes right until it hit the ground.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, we need to leave. I've waited too long - the weapon can't discharge enough power to avoid a catastrophic overload. This whole planet's gonna go up. Not that your speech wasn't working.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You need to avoid flying predictably to prevent the weapon from locking onto us.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know what I'm doing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm just saying: be sure not to fly in a straight line.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Rodney, shut up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Can I just say there's no way the Jumper can take even one direct hit?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'll keep that in mind.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Colonel! Colonel! I've been looking all over for you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I heard.
[folds with arms as he turns back to face Rodney]
Dr. Rodney McKay: I suppose I deserve that. Look, I just, um, I wanted to apologise about what happened. I was wrong - I'm sorry. And I wanted to assure you that, uh, I intend not being right again - about everything, effective immediately.
[John smiles slightly]
Dr. Rodney McKay: That was a joke.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Good one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I've already apologised to Elizabeth... and Radek... and I thanked Colonel Caldwell for, uh, caring enough to spy on the experiment from orbit. I sent him a nice little email, actually. But I saved you 'til last 'cause, um, honestly, I would... I would hate to think that recent events might have permanently dimmed your faith in my abilities, or your trust. At the very least, I hope I can earn that back.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That may take a while.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I see.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: But, I'm sure you can do it, if you really wanna try.
[they both smile]

[explaining an energy weapon to Sheppard]
Dr. Rodney McKay: The sticking point is that, ah, there is no tie between the power generator and the primary capacitor.
Dr. Zelenka: Meaning that they would have to channel the power directly into the weapon.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which I'm sure that means nothing to you.
Maj. John Sheppard: It means they could fire multiple bursts without having to store more power for the next firing sequence.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [surprised] Yes... very good.
Maj. John Sheppard: Which leads me back to 'cool'!


"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Carson Beckett: Then you don't even know about the Stargate.
Major John Sheppard: The what?

Major John Sheppard: What's the mask you've got on?
Wex: This? Wraith.
Major John Sheppard: Wraith? What's that?
Jinto: You don't know?
Wex: What world did you come from?
Jinto: Can we go there?
Major John Sheppard: Afraid not. I'm from a galaxy far, far away.

Major John Sheppard: On the surface without a shield? We're target practice.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm acutely aware of that, Major, but thank you for reinforcing it.
Major John Sheppard: When can you tell me where the Wraith took Colonel Sumner and the others?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Even with the six symbols Lieutenant Ford provided there are still hundreds of permutations.
Major John Sheppard: Seven hundred and twenty.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes. I knew that of course. I'm just surprised you did.
Major John Sheppard: Take away the coordinates you can't get a lock on, and that's your one. When you find it, send a MALP.

Major John Sheppard: [after almost being blown up by a drone] Well, that was different.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: For me, not so much.

Major John Sheppard: So some people have the same genes as these Ancients.
Dr. Carson Beckett: The specific gene is very rare. But on the whole they look very much like we do. In fact, they were first. We're the second evolution of this form. The Ancients having explored this galaxy for millions of years before -
[Sheppard sits in the chair]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Major, please don't.
Major John Sheppard: Come on. What are the odds of me having the same genes as these guys?
[Chair powers up]
Dr. Carson Beckett: Quite slim, actually. Dr. Weir!


"Stargate: Atlantis: No Man's Land (#3.1)" (2006)
Michael Kenmore: I don't know how you got aboard, but if your friends are in pursuit, you need to disable these ships in order for them to reach us.
Maj. John Sheppard: If you really want to help, why don't you just do that?
Michael Kenmore: They would know.
Maj. John Sheppard: Aren't you "they"?
Michael Kenmore: Please believe me when I say I was as deceived as you were.
Maj. John Sheppard: Oh, I don't know, I was pretty deceived.

Michael Kenmore: Good luck.
Maj. John Sheppard: Thanks. It'll be a walk in the park. A very scary park... filled with monsters who are trying to kill me.
Michael Kenmore: I don't understand.
Maj. John Sheppard: Never mind. Operation "This Will Most Likely End Badly" is a go.

Maj. John Sheppard: Okay, how about some of this help you were talking about?
Michael Kenmore: I told you to target the hyperdrive.
Maj. John Sheppard: I already knew that.
Michael Kenmore: There's nothing I can do.
Maj. John Sheppard: Like hell there isn't. Call off the darts.
Michael Kenmore: They won't listen to me.
Maj. John Sheppard: This is not helpful, Michael.

Ronon Dex: Why should I trust you?
Michael Kenmore: Because I'm trusting you.
[He gives Ronan back his gun which Ronan then points at him]
Maj. John Sheppard: Because *I* said so.

Col. Steven Caldwell: Colonel Sheppard. We'd written you off.
Maj. John Sheppard: Don't get all emotional on me now.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Ark (#3.16)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just - can I say one more thing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: As long as you say it as fast as you can.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't do this. It's impossible.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Willing to bet a week's wages on that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, how're you gonna pay up if I win, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Thanks for caring.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah.

Dr. Rodney McKay: We're gonna lose radio contact as you pass through the atmosphere.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I know, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm saying that if you have anything that you'd like to say, now would be a good time to say...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, not really.

Teyla Emmagan: He tried to save his people, and he succeeded, through you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's not the reason I did it.
Teyla Emmagan: I know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't go feelin' special. I'd have done it for any one of you.
Teyla Emmagan: Of course.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Except for maybe McKay.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes - I think even for Rodney.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Maybe.

Dr. Rodney McKay: If anyone's counting, we have another problem. I can't seal the compartments between us 'cause one of the hatches won't shut.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What's wrong with it?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Looks like the entire bulkhead was twisted when Sammy Suicide decided to fire up his rocket ship!

Dr. Rodney McKay: I figured it would be nice if we were all together as we burn up.
Maj. John Sheppard: McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry, I mean as we get rescued. I always get those two confused.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Epiphany (#2.12)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: [stranded on the other side of the time-dilation portal] This is Sheppard. I appreciate you can't hear me, but I don't have a volleyball to talk to, so what the hell.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Okay, then, any volunteers?
Maj. John Sheppard: I'll go.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Just back out if you encounter anything problematic.
Maj. John Sheppard: Problematic?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, like, uh, poisonous atmosphere, acid atmosphere, no atmosphere.

Maj. John Sheppard: This is downright problematic Rodney!

Maj. John Sheppard: Well, you're either going to eat me, or I'm gonna eat you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Tape it to the stick, we extend the camera through, record for a few minutes, pull it back, play the record.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, "MALP on a Stick".


"Stargate: Atlantis: Submersion (#3.18)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [talking about wraith cruiser's command console] It's not accepting commands of any kind. There must be some kind of a command code that needs to be entered.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure it out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, well, the command codes used are quite simple like the number 1 or the letter A, like in Wraith, which would be ...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Can you figure out the code or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, not if I stood here and tried for a million years...
[looks at his wristwatch]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... and we have just under a million years less than that.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You should be able to traverse the distance between here and the cruiser.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean *we*.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Um, yes, of course. We

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're breathing too hard.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, forgive me for being aware of exactly how much pressure is being exerted on this suit right now.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just think of it as a walk on the beach - a beach that's about to explode.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's supposed to make me feel better?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it's supposed to make you walk faster. We're on the clock here.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hey, that took too long.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well, I probably won't be able to disarm the self-destruct in time anyway, so we're really not in a rush.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Why don't we find it first, and *then* you can be negative?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The ship is remarkably preserved.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You'd think after ten thousand years, she'd want to redecorate.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm serious. The hull damage is minimal. They probably just lost their main drive.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're saying this thing is salvageable?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm, I'd have to assess damage to primary systems but it's not completely out of the question. Of course, you'd probably just go and blow it up or slam it into a hive ship or something, and all that work'd be for nothing.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Tick, tick, tick.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you're a hell of a swimmer, I'll give you that.
Wraith Queen: You have restored power?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It'll fly.
Wraith Queen: [the Queen disables the self-destruct device] You shall be rewarded... with a quick death.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney appears and shoots the Queen] She's not dying according to plan here!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [John shoots her and the Queen falls onto the ground. John meets Rodney] I thought you'd forgotten about me!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Of course not! I just had to wait for her to disable the device. Hey, just be thankful she didn't feed on you before she entered the command code.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, *that's* why you didn't wanna be bait!
Dr. Rodney McKay: No-no-no-no. *You* had to be bait because she was expecting you to be the one trying to fly the ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Rodney looks at the Queen, who is lying on the floor] She *is* dead, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's get outta here.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Underground (#1.7)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Maybe we should offer a sense of humour in trade.
Maj. John Sheppard: Sure. They can have yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, Major. My side. You slay me.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You do realise that long term exposure to these levels of radiation is extremely dangerous?
Cowen: Our scientists tell me otherwise.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, they're wrong.
Maj. John Sheppard: [nervously, to Rodney] Are we in danger now?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, it would take days or weeks at these levels of radiation, but I assume the Genii spend days or weeks down here?
Cowen: Many of our people have spent their entire lives here.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Their entire short lives.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: We'll be fine, just as long as you weren't planning on having children.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What is it you said they grow here anyway?
Teyla Emmagan: Many things, but they are best known for a bean known as Tava.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Java?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ta-va!

Maj. John Sheppard: You know how to make an A bomb?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, most of my high school chess team could design an A bomb.

Maj. John Sheppard: We have something they need and they have something we need. I thought that's what negotiating was all about.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Oh, well it is. Personally I stop short of offering nuclear weapons.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Game (#3.15)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Let me ask you a question. Say there's a runaway train. It's hurtling out of control towards ten people standing in the middle of the tracks. The only way to save those people is to flip a switch - send the train down another set of tracks. The only problem is there is a baby in the middle of those tracks.
Teyla Emmagan: Why would anyone leave a baby in harm's way like that?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. That's not the point. Look, it's an ethical dilemma. Look, Katie Brown brought it up over dinner the other night. The question is: is it appropriate to divert the train and kill the one baby to save the ten people?
Ronon Dex: Wouldn't the people just see the train coming and move?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No. No, they wouldn't see it.
Ronon Dex: Why not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well... Look, I dunno. Say they're blind.
Teyla Emmagan: *All* of them?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, all of them.
Ronon Dex: Then why don't you just call out and tell them to move out of the way?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, because they can't hear you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What, they're deaf too?
[Rodney throws him a look]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How fast is the train going?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, the speed doesn't matter!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, sure it does. If it's goin' slow enough, you could outrun it and shove everyone to the side.
Ronon Dex: Or better yet, go get the baby.
Dr. Rodney McKay: For God's sake! I was just trying to...

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: How the hell did your face get on that flag?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I don't know. Here's the thing, though: that flag's very similar to the one I designed in our game.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's *exactly* like the one you designed in our game.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The game Rodney and I have been playing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We didn't tell you about the game?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've been playing for a while now.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, off and on in our spare time, you know - at night, between missions, uh... I could have sworn we told you about it?

Dr. Rodney McKay: Hey, don't start. I tried to negotiate with you.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Making a list of demands and not giving anything in return is not negotiating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I offered you an entire crop of beans.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't need beans. I need lumber.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, right - to build defensive fortifications for your army, which he doubled in size, by the way. Surprise, surprise.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I only did that after you started cheating.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* cheat.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's giving his people *way* too much technology for their level of development. I'm not the only one increasing my army, by the way.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I had to do something to protect the people of Geldar from you.
Ronon Dex: Geldar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The name of Rodney's country. He named it after a girl he stalked in college.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I did *not* stalk her. We dated twice. Teresa Geldar - a very cute blonde. I always used to think her name reminded me of some kind of a mythological land: the Kingdom of Geldar.
Teyla Emmagan: [to Sheppard] What did you call *your* country?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I just kept the name it already had.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't worry about it. They'll work it out. Look, we just happened to catch them at a particularly bad time. Sheppard's guy's been doing a lot of aggressive posturing of late.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The only aggression is coming from the people of Gelding.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Geldar.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Whatever.
[to Elizabeth]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: His people are digging a mine across the border into Hallona.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The coal resources straddle the border between my country and his.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Barely! They go three miles into my country - which your people are happily tunnelling into.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It has been a point of contention between us, OK, but it is just a difference in cartographic interpretation. Tomayto. Tomahto.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, no, it's pretty clear cut. *You* entered illegally into *my* country.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Gentlemen.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to John] You gave me no choice! You refused to negotiate!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You mean give in.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do you care anyway? It's not like your people were gonna use the coal!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Oh, yeah, that's right. You need it to power your medieval steam engines.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: These are not your lands. This game is over, so you'd better set aside your differences, because if the two of you can't figure out how to forge a truce, how the hell are these people going to?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Poisoning the Well (#1.6)" (2004)
Carson Beckett M. D.: It's not that I mind lending people a hand...
Maj. John Sheppard: No, of course not.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're a generous man, Carson.
Carson Beckett M. D.: But it's the principle of the thing, isn't it? You can't go volunteering someone for something without consulting them first. That's not even volunteering, is it? It's being pressed into service. Not to mention the fact I'm not...
Maj. John Sheppard: ...military and I can't give you orders. I know.
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, he just doesn't like going through the Stargate.
Maj. John Sheppard: He's worse than Dr McCoy.
Teyla Emmagan: Who?
Maj. John Sheppard: The TV character that Dr Beckett plays in real life.

Maj. John Sheppard: Wonder what hurts more, the gunshot wound or the hunger? I'd love to help out but, how'd McKay put it?
[pause]
Maj. John Sheppard: We can't meet your dietary requirements.
Wraith Warrior: When I'm free, you'll be the first that i feed upon.
Maj. John Sheppard: Okey dokey. I'm gonna go make myself a sandwich.

Maj. John Sheppard: Sorry if I woke you. Just came by to see if there's anything you needed. Magazine, fresh towels.
Wraith Warrior: You hide your fear poorly, major.
Maj. John Sheppard: You know, we've been having these conversations for a couple of weeks now, and I don't even know your name. You guys do have names right? Let me guess... Steve?
Wraith Warrior: I am your death. That is all you need to know.
Maj. John Sheppard: I prefer Steve.
Wraith Warrior: What do you hope to gain from this?
Maj. John Sheppard: Just trying to bridge the gap between our two cultures, get to know you better. That and try to figure out how to keep your kind from sucking the life out of millions of innocent people!

Carson Beckett M. D.: "Victory at all costs." That sound familiar, Major?
Maj. John Sheppard: Churchill.
Carson Beckett M. D.: Aye. Never thought I'd disagree.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Defiant One (#1.11)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Major!
Major John Sheppard: McKay!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What do I do now?
Major John Sheppard: Keep firing everything you've got!

Major John Sheppard: Thanks.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, you too. You OK?
Major John Sheppard: Other than this and a few cracked ribs. What about Gall?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No.
Major John Sheppard: We'll have to put the ship back together, provided you can disarm the shield.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine. As long as we get to go home.
Major John Sheppard: You can drive.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, thank you!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Major, what the hell was that?
Major John Sheppard: I almost blew myself up!
Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Major John Sheppard: Stay off the radio, I'm busy!

Major John Sheppard: Son of a bitch beat me to it. He's fast.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Then you should get back here.
Major John Sheppard: Negative.
Dr. Rodney McKay: There's no point being out there...
Major John Sheppard: He's aboard my ship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you, Captain Kirk?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Coup D'etat (#2.17)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do I make you nervous?
Ladon Radim: Not at all, Major. I'm just not interested in talking to the errand boy.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's Lieutenant Colonel Errand Boy to you.

Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I'm not sure that you've sufficiently trained me in actual combat. I-I-I don't know how much use I'd be in a fight-our-way-out kind of scenario.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I look at it this way: the Genii have tried to kidnap you on numerous occasions to mine that big old brain of yours.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, if we get into trouble, I'll just trade your life for mine.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh, funny.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Don't worry: if you survive, I'll mount some sort of rescue mission... eventually.

Dr. Rodney McKay: What the hell happened?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got gassed.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Are we in some sort of trouble?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Was it the gas or the prison cell that was your first clue?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Beckett's the best doctor in two galaxies.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Condemned (#2.5)" (2005)
Teyla Emmagan: Do you kill all your violent criminals on Earth?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Certain countries, yes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we need to get into this right now?

Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard, Teyla, Rodney, and Ronon are held captive, Ronon is trying to get out of his hand restraints] I think they're loosening.
Maj. John Sheppard: Take it easy, Chewie - You're gonna cut your damn hands off!

Maj. John Sheppard: How much time do you need to rework the D.H.D.?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, in a perfect world, two days.
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right now - ten minutes, give or take.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Leave it to convicts to know the best way to tie people up.
Ronon Dex: Well, eventually I will get free and when I do, he's gonna pay for this.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Now listen to me. When you get free, you get us free and we all get out of here. Let 'em find out we're gone after we're gone.
Ronon Dex: You're expecting me to let them get away with this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The operative words are "get away".
Ronon Dex: After I kill them!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That type of thinking will get us killed.
Ronon Dex: Well, if you had returned fire...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: The weapons systems were damaged.
Ronon Dex: If you say so.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I do say so, and right now I'm saying knock it off.
Ronon Dex: Is that an order, Sheppard?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am beat up, tied up, and couldn't order a pizza right now if I wanted to. But if you need it to be, yeah it's an order.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Hive (#2.11)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: How many of those
[knives]
Maj. John Sheppard: have you got?
Ronon Dex: How many do you need?

Neera: The Wraith will not allow us to escape.
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, well, I try not to let them tell me what I can and can't do.
Neera: [surprised] You do not fear them?
Maj. John Sheppard: The Wraith? Naah. Now clowns - that's another story. Scare the crap out of me.

Neera: You have fought the Wraith before?
Maj. John Sheppard: Lots of times. Won some battles, lost some. War's not over by a long shot, but we're managing to hold our own.
Neera: And the clowns?
Maj. John Sheppard: The clowns? Oh, yeah, the clowns... we fight them too. Entire armies, spilling out of Volkswagens. We do our best to fight them off, but they keep sending 'em in.

Neera: What is it like, your world?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's nice. Comfortable, good climate.
Neera: Tell me what it looks like.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Like every other world, I suppose. Trees, water, mountains, Starbucks on every corner.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Duet (#2.4)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lieutenant, way to survive what I think may be my worst nightmare.
Lt. Laura Cadman: Thank you, sir!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yes, thank you!
[John smiles at Rodney sarcastically]

[after two white mice are burnt to black crisps during a test]
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm no scientist, but those mice used to be a different color.

Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm not crazy, I just have another consciousness in my brain.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: So he just looks crazy.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sure I do but only because Dr Fumbles McStupid over here was in way of his head!
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yes, yes. I made a mistake trying to save your life! Now, do you want try to fix it or do you want to continue to berate me some more?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time!


"Stargate: Atlantis: Sunday (#3.17)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Are you datin' anyone?
Ronon Dex: You mean like a woman?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Or a man.

Ronon Dex: [Asking Sheppard about golf] So that's the sport, you just hit a little ball as far as you can?
Maj. John Sheppard: First, it's a game and no, it's a little more complicated than that. See there are 18 holes all made of varying length and dimensions. First goal is to hit the ball through a series of water and sand hazards 'till you land on the green, then you putt the ball into the hole.
Ronon Dex: [Looking at the ocean] So this is a water hazard.

Carson Beckett M. D.: Rodney and I are heading to the mainland to catch a fish that seems to be just like a trout. Care to join us? Sport of kings.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I thought horse racing was the sport of kings?
Carson Beckett M. D.: For the boring kings, maybe.


"Stargate: Atlantis: First Strike (#3.20)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: I need to learn some science.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What for?
Ronon Dex: I'm not all that useful in situations like these. If we get into a fight, or we need to break out of somewhere, you know, kill someone, I'm your man, but a laser attacking the city's shield - I don't know where to chip in.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, that's why we're a team, like the Fantastic Four.
[Ronon and Teyla stare at him]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's a comic book where superheroes fight crime and stuff. See, I'd be Mr Fantastic, Ronon would be The Thing, McKay would be the Human Torch...
[John looks at Teyla]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You'd be the Invisible Woman.
Teyla Emmagan: I am not invisible.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No. No, and McKay's not a human torch.
Teyla Emmagan: Well, how come *you* get to be Mr Fantastic?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Because he was the leader and I'm the...
[pause]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm just saying that *they* were a cool team and *we're* a cool team and they use their strengths to, you know...
[another pause]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm gonna go check on McKay.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I guess it's showtime.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You sure you can do this?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fly the city?
Dr. Rodney McKay: What else could I possibly be talking about?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I flew a V22 Osprey once.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Was it as big as a city?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, you had to use your hands and feet with that one. This one, you just have to sit down and think... Fly.
Dr. Rodney McKay: OK, why don't you just get in the Chair and start your pre-flight?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [McKay and Zelenka are staring at their computers in silence] Should't you guys be bickering or something?
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've got nothing to bicker about. He's run out of bad ideas... finally.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Quarantine (#4.13)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We could be here a while.
[looks at a pregnant Teyla]
Teyla Emmagan: What?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's just every time one of these things happen in the movies the pregnant woman goes into labor.
Teyla Emmagan: I'm still long way from my due day.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: That's the same thing in the movies and then wham!

Teyla Emmagan: Can anyone do it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: They'd have to know Rodney's password. Fortunately I do.
Teyla Emmagan: He told you his password?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He didn't think I'd remember it. 16431879196842. See, didn't take a genius.
Teyla Emmagan: I-it doesnt...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 1643 is the year Isaac Newton was born, 1879 Einstein and 1968...
Teyla Emmagan: ...the year Rodney was born.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Never underestimate the size of that man's ego.
Teyla Emmagan: Wait, weren't there other numbers?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: 42
Teyla Emmagan: What is that?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: It's the ultimate answer to the great question of life, the universe and everything.

Teyla Emmagan: Climb the tower? Is that even possible?
Maj. John Sheppard: Sure, Batman did it all the time. Piece of cake.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Allies (#2.20)" (2006)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Getting this ship up and running in under a month is a miracle.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we start the beatification now or later?

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Rodney, if the hive opens up on us, I want Orion's drones.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Which means we're gonna need the hyperdrive to get in position.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Which means we'll need shields, which means you want everything!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I like everything. Can we do it or not?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, don't get up. Shields... yes. Jump to position... mmmmaybe. Release the drones... probably not.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, it's pointless to get in position if we can't fire.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Y'know, let's talk about it for a really long time. That'll help for sure.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's it coming?
Dr. Radek Zelenka: It's phenomenal. It's like being handed a Wraith encyclopedia. It's hard to know where to start.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: When I was a kid and I got my first encyclopaedia, I started with the letter S.
Dr. Radek Zelenka: Yes, well, I'm sure that Wraith sexuality is interesting.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Before I Sleep (#1.14)" (2004)
Lt. Aiden Ford: Is time travel even possible?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, according to Einstein's general theory of relativity there's nothing in the laws of physics to prevent it. Extremely difficult to achieve, mind you. You need the technology to manipulate black holes to create wormholes not only through points in space, but time.
Major John Sheppard: Not to mention a really nice DeLorean.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't even get me started on that movie.
Major John Sheppard: I like that movie.

Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's obvious. The puddle jumper that they escaped in must have been some sort of a time machine. Had to have an additional component.
Major John Sheppard: Flux capacitor.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [short pause] Yeah.

Teyla Emmagan: Some sort of laboratory.
Dr. Rodney McKay: We've come across dozens of those, the city's full of them. Something unusual about it?
Major John Sheppard: [finds someone in suspended animation] I'd have to say... yes.


"Stargate SG-1: The Pegasus Project (#10.3)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: If he speaks again, I'll shoot him.
[Sam mouths 'Thank you']
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But to answer your question, we are introducing another stargate into the equation. Teal'c should have it in position right now.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: If we can make a connection between that gate, and one from the Pegasus galaxy...
Dr. Rodney McKay: You're gonna try and make a jump.
[to John]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Don't shoot me. You know I can't help myself.

Elizabeth Weir: John, do you think you could spare Rodney from your team?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hell... you can keep him.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just...
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Shoot him.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Also, he's mortally allergic to citrus.
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [pulls out a lemon] I keep one with me at all times. It's just a comfort to know... it's there.
[tosses it to Cameron]
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That's good intel, thanks.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [laughs] That's a - that's a - that's a good one. We're actually, uh, we're-we're quite close.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Tower (#2.15)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If we're hoping these people have something to trade, we are wasting our time. From the looks of it, they barely have enough food to feed themselves; and their technology...
[showing a scythe]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, let's just say that this about sums it up, huh?
Teyla Emmagan: Establishing good relations with our neighbours is not just about trade.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Right, but do we need to make friends with every primitive agrarian society in the Pegasus galaxy?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Alright, that's enough. They can't all be planets with cool technology and open-minded women.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't see why not!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We got the drones, we got a few Jumpers. I even got the girl.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You got the girl?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, I mean I could have got the girl. I turned her down.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: What did you offer them in return for the drones and the Jumpers?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A supply of medicines and an IDC if they need to reach us. We also offered to help them come up with a new way of running things when the time comes.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: They didn't offer you King?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I turned that down too.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Irresponsible (#3.13)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: My childhood hero was Evel Knievel.
Teyla Emmagan: Was he not evil?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, it was just his name. He was a daredevil - which isn't kind of a devil. He just jumped motorcycles over things.
Ronon Dex: Why?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just because. Didn't always make it either.
Teyla Emmagan: And you greatly admired this behaviour?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, I just - look at least my hero is human. McKay's is Batman.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hmm. Misunderstood and unappreciated by many, because his most formidable weapon was the power of his brilliant mind. Not just a hero - a superhero.

Dr. Carson Beckett: Nobody gets hurt. That's my vote, and my heartfelt recommendation.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You want to hide.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, we could call it strategic concealment.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Real World (#3.6)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do you think she's aware we're here?
Dr. Rodney McKay: How can she be? She's unconscious.
Dr. Carson Beckett: You may be right. You could try talking to her. Tell her to keep fighting.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And that will help exactly how?
Dr. Carson Beckett: In a coma, one's sense of hearing is the last thing to go and the first thing to return. There are many cases where patients were actually able to hear others talking to them in their rooms.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And were these comas also caused by nanites invading people's bodies? Hmm?

Dr. Rodney McKay: What?
Dr. Carson Beckett: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, it's that look. That's the same look I get when I have a brilliant idea.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How would you know how you looked?
Dr. Rodney McKay: 'Cause it's happened more than once in front of a mirror, okay?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Conversion (#2.8)" (2005)
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: How are you?
Maj. John Sheppard: My body's mutating into a bug. How are you?

Maj. John Sheppard: Did Ronon shoot me?
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: You had it coming.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Home (#1.8)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: We're talking about a lot of energy here.
Maj. John Sheppard: How much is a lot?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well in terms of joules or ergs?
Maj. John Sheppard: In terms of... lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Lots... and lots.

Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: War and Peace. Mmm some heavy reading.
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah. Well back on Earth when i was getting ready for this mission I realized there was a good chance I might be here for a while so i figured 'why not bring along a book that takes a while to read.'
Elizabeth Weir, Ph. D.: Page 17.
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm right on schedule.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Last Man (#4.20)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You're telling me I just travelled 48,000 years into the future in ten seconds?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know. It's kind of cool when you think about it, isn't it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Surfing a thirty foot wave in Waimei is cool. Dating a supermodel is cool. This is not cool!

Dr. Rodney McKay: Look, um, I know you've already been debriefed about the future events - all the things we were hoping to avoid - but there's just one more thing I need to know.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: What?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Did I still have hair?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [John looks away] No.
[He calls out to the team]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's go!
Dr. Rodney McKay: [Looks shocked]


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Storm (#1.9)" (2004)
Maj. John Sheppard: McKay will come up with something.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I will try, but despite what you all may think, I am not Superman.
[Sheppard looks around]
Maj. John Sheppard: Was anyone seriously thinking that?
[Weir, Teyla and the other scientist shake their heads 'No']
Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC: No sir.
Dr. Zelenka: Never.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Fine.

Lt. Aiden Ford, USMC: How can something as big as Atlantis just sink?
Maj. John Sheppard: I'm sure the passengers on the Titanic were asking themselves the same question.


"Stargate: Atlantis: This Mortal Coil (#4.10)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Do we know what the problem is?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, the Gate's not working.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think we figured that much last week when you broke it.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Last time I came face to face with myself, I ended up kicking my own ass.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Doppelganger (#4.4)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: [Ronon is hacking through a jungle] What are we doing?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Exploring the Pegasus galaxy. It's what we do.
Ronon Dex: You know what I mean.
Teyla Emmagan: There certainly doesn't appear to be anything here that would help in our fight against the Wraith or the Replicators.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Come on, you guys kill me. Planets are huge, you know!
Ronon Dex: Yeah, and usually you're the one complaining.
Teyla Emmagan: Yes, this enthusiasm is most unlike you, Rodney.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm turning over a new leaf.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We did the standard flyover in the Jumper, scanning for life signs. Nothing.
Dr. Rodney McKay: You can't fly around for ten minutes and decide there's nothing here.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes I can!

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Looks like ones of those toys you played with as a kid.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Commodore 64?
Ronon Dex: Triple-barrel shotgun?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: A kaleidoscope.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Suspicion (#1.4)" (2004)
Teyla Emmagan: You suspect an athosian?
Maj. John Sheppard: Dr. Weir wants to meet them that's all, it's not personal. Well I mean it is, in the sense that she wants to meet them all personal.

Maj. John Sheppard: Well? Good stuff?
Side Character: I can't begin to tell you how fascinating this is.
Maj. John Sheppard: Anthropologist fascinating or actual fascinating?
Side Character: Yeah, well maybe fascinating's not the right word.
Maj. John Sheppard: Maybe not.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Sanctuary (#1.13)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Word of caution? The whole Captain Kirk routine is problematic to say the least, let alone morally dubious.
Major John Sheppard: What routine?
Dr. Rodney McKay: The romancing of the alien priestess? It's very 1967 of you. Actually, I'm surprised...
Major John Sheppard: [interrupting Rodney] If and when anything I do becomes your business...
Dr. Rodney McKay: It becomes my business, Major, when an alien woman who is clearly not who she claims to be has the ranking military officer wrapped around her little finger!
Major John Sheppard: Don't go there, McKay.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm sorry - I know I'm not normally Mr Sensitive, but you gotta believe me when I say there is something about her. I know it's intangible but I can feel it.
Major John Sheppard: I said don't go there!
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's just a matter of time before I prove it, Major. I'm just recommending that in the meantime you keep your...
[Chaya Sar appears and he shuts up]

Chaya Sar: I am what you call an Ancient and it is also true that I can never offer your people sanctuary. But you are wrong about as to why I came here.
Major John Sheppard: Why did you come here?
Chaya Sar: You, John.
Major John Sheppard: Me?
Chaya Sar: I have lived in solitude for so long that when you asked me to come to Atlantis, I...
Dr. Rodney McKay: Oh my god, he is Kirk!


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 2 (#3.11)" (2006)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [after blowing up the control room] That went well.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Please, don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, am I to assume you are not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young strapping marines?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You've got Colonel Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, McKay, myself and Dr Beckett.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Ooh! Dr Beckett, is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What's that supposed to mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got a plan, sir. A good one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, Colonel, I'm sure you do. But in the unlikely event you don't fail miserably, you're fired.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, sir. Look forward to that.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Gift (#1.17)" (2005)
Major John Sheppard: You're saying Teyla's part-Wraith?
Dr. Carson Beckett: A very small part.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Which makes her about as different from us as you, because of the Ancient gene you possess.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, and some other things!

Teyla Emmagan: That is why they are coming here. They know that Atlantis is the only way to get to a new, rich, feeding ground.
Major John Sheppard: Earth.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Search and Rescue (#5.1)" (2008)
[right before Sheppard is about to go into surgery]
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Ready?
Maj. John Sheppard: Ready! From what I understand, I don't actually have to do anything
Dr. Jennifer Keller: Well, that's right, you just have to lie still and, let me play with your insides.
[she laughs, but everone else just stares at her]
Dr. Jennifer Keller: ...Sorry

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm gonna stop making fun of combat engineers as of today, I promise. Harris up there with you?
Muffled voice: Yes, he's here. Don't worry, we'll have you out soon.
Ronon Dex: I thought Harris was on leave until next month.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [Sheppard nods] If we get out of here, beer's on me, boys. What do you like, uh, Duff Beer or Oprah Ale?
Muffled voice: Duff.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, they don't watch The Simpsons or drink beer.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Miller's Crossing (#4.9)" (2007)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Say, you and I are about even when it comes to looks, right?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Who's been lying to you?
Dr. Rodney McKay: No, I'm serious.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I am, too. Who's been lying to you?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Where're you going?
Ronon Dex: To get some food.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, in case you forgot, McKay and his sister are still missing.
Ronon Dex: What, you want my help dissecting corporate structures? When you find someone to point a gun at, you let me know.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Be All My Sins Remember'd (#4.11)" (2008)
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [Colonels of both earth ships beam into the control room of atlantis. To Ellis] Colonel.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Caldwell] Colonel.
Colonel Steven Caldwell: [to Samantha] Colonel.
Colonel Samantha Carter: [to both] Colonels.
Colonel Abe Ellis: [to Sheppard] Colonel.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [to both] Colonels.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What, seriously?

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [repeating Rodney] A, Superdense... blob. That's your great idea.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Grace Under Pressure (#2.14)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to the sea monster] Oh, see, pal. Sorry you don't get to eat me today.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's the reason we found you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Really?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Almost thought we lost you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I knew you'd think of something... subconsciously, at least.

Dr. Radek Zelenka: [Cursing in Czech] Do prdele, to je na hovno tohle to. Kdo to vymyslel, ze budeme pod vodou tentokrat?
[Translation: Fuck you, this sucks. We're going under water this time, whose idea was that?]
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I think my Czech's getting better, 'cause I know what you mean.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Intruder (#2.2)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You know, I've never actually been inside one of these before today. It's a little, uh, cramped, huh?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Just relax, Rodney. We're safe... for the moment.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Great. Quick question, though, just out of curiosity: how much, uh, air do these things carry?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Lots.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Uh, I'm just saying, because if this doesn't work, we'll have to go over the whole plan and who knows how long we could get stuck in here, and, and, so it-it-it would...
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You know what, Rodney? You're exactly right. It's a limited supply, so why don't we conserve it by you not talking? At all.

Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: He's making a break for the coronasphere.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Would it be good to mention that we have less protection in this ship than we did on the Daedalus?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not really.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think so.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Queen (#5.8)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Fruit bowl. Nice touch.
Todd the Wraith: We picked them up on our travels. I thought it would make our discussions more comfortable. I hope they prove as delicious as the farmers who grew them.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Prodigal (#5.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's Atlantis' self destruct. Michael's gonna blow up the city.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do we have?
Dr. Rodney McKay: He set it for 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How much time do you need before you get those drones working?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, if I can get them working at all, a lot more than 10 minutes.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, forget about it.
Dr. Rodney McKay: What are you doing?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm flying the Jumper. I'm crashing it into the tower.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Crash it?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Look, it is our best chance of taking out Michael's Jumper.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not to mention taking out yourself!
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I have crashed Jumpers into the tower before!


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Seed (#5.2)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: How's Ronon?
Richard Woolsey: He has a bruised larynx. Apparently he won't be able to speak for several days.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Wonder if anyone will notice the difference?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Vengeance (#3.19)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [after an explosion] Everyone OK?
Teyla Emmagan: Yes.
Ronon Dex: I'm good.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I think you singed my eyebrows! D'you think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?


"Stargate: Atlantis: Inquisition (#5.13)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: You gonna tell me how you managed to pull this one off?
Richard Woolsey: Well, I'd say it was a combination of things. My legal skills, my eloquence, the indisputable logic of my arguments... and the bribe I offered Kelore.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Adrift (#4.1)" (2007)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [responding to Rodney's watered-down explanation of the city's power situation] You dumb this down any more, you're gonna get hit.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Aurora (#2.9)" (2005)
[Sheppard and McKay whisper while spying on a Wraith in disguise]
Maj. John Sheppard: That's her!
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's the Wraith?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Wow... She's hot! I mean seriously hot!
Maj. John Sheppard: Rodney, you're drooling over a Wraith!
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know, I... disgust myself sometimes.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Infection (#5.17)" (2008)
Dr. Jennifer Keller: The disease is in the ship?
Todd the Wraith: It is the only explanation that makes sense.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: All right, if you say so.
Dr. Jennifer Keller: How is that even possible?
Todd the Wraith: During the process of hibernation, there is a continuous exchange of fluid between Wraith and Hive.The disease must have been transmitted in this manner.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Great, so we're flyin' around in a giant tumour.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Runner (#2.3)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: It almost smells like I'm on vacation.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [putting on sunscreen lotion] Could it be the simulated tropical aroma of cocoa butter?
Maj. John Sheppard: Strong enough for anyone within five miles to smell you.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Like they haven't been tipped off by the Aqua Velva.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's dark.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Yeah, well the sun will be up in 2 hours, 43 minutes and... 10 seconds.
Maj. John Sheppard: It's raining.
Dr. Rodney McKay: So we'll be cold and miserable. Look, the cloud cover will depreciate a small percentage of UV rays but 95 per cent of deadly is still deadly.
Major Lorne: Dr Parrish said a day or two of exposure wasn't going to kill us.
Dr. Rodney McKay: And Dr Parrish has a PhD in what? Right, botany!


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Kindred: Part 2 (#4.19)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I'm tired of getting shot at with our own guns.
Dr. Carson Beckett: I'm generally not fond of it regardless of the weapon.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Critical Mass (#2.13)" (2005)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Elizabeth is including intel about infighting amongst the Wraith in today's status report.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Let's hope that trend continues. If they keep fighting like this, I'd be able to take a weekend off.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Brotherhood (#1.15)" (2005)
Maj. John Sheppard: [the team are being forced to try to solve a puzzle one after another and an incorrect answer kills the one solving it] Two heads think better than one.
Dr. Rodney McKay: That's a common misconception.
Maj. John Sheppard: Give me a gun and I'll shoot him myself.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Whispers (#5.7)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [True to the Horror Film genre,people have disappeared] Great Now all we need is for the Prom Queen and the kid in the wheelchair to go.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Vegas (#5.19)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: Thank you for your co-operation, Detective. If you think of anything else...
[hands him a card]
Dr. Rodney McKay: ... call me at this number.
Detective John Sheppard: If he's not finished yet, why'd he stop hiding the bodies?
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't know. Over-confidence that he can't be caught?
Detective John Sheppard: He left money behind.
Dr. Rodney McKay: How much?
Detective John Sheppard: A few thousand.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not enough to worry about, I guess.
Detective John Sheppard: That's it? You're just gonna let me go?
Dr. Rodney McKay: That field medic - the one you defied orders to go back and try and rescue. You knew her personally. You were... involved.
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah, you know everything.
Dr. Rodney McKay: It was a hard choice. Certainly you didn't intend things to go as badly as they did. Things just don't always go the way we plan. We know where to find you.
[Sheppard turns and starts to walk towards the car]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Detective.
[Sheppard stops and turns back as McKay approaches him again]
Dr. Rodney McKay: Remember when I told you I once met another version of you?
Detective John Sheppard: Yeah.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I know you'll probably think this sounds ridiculous, but a little while ago we accidentally opened a rift in space/time - went through to an alternate version of reality. It was very similar to ours in many ways. We met a team much like the one I work with, only you were the leader. You were a hero, saved the world several times over.
Detective John Sheppard: [smiling bitterly] Doesn't sound much like me.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I don't think there's much difference between you and that other John Sheppard I met. It's amazing how one incident can entirely alter the course of your life. Still, I like to believe you have the same strength of character. That's why I told you the truth.
[turns and starts to walk away. Sheppard calls after him]
Detective John Sheppard: What do you want me to say?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [over his shoulder] For now, nothing.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Harmony (#4.14)" (2008)
Dr. Rodney McKay: You gonna eat your power bar?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, Rodney. Told you, shouldn't have eaten yours so early in the day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: I'm starving! Usually Flora feeds us some sort of food when we visit. Come on, you hardly ever eat yours.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: No, Rodney!
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, will you give it to me later when you decide you're not gonna eat it?
Harmony: You allow him to question you so incessantly?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I guess I'm just used to it by now.
Harmony: Would it not be easier to beat him?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We don't beat people where we come from.
Harmony: Why not?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Well, we find it's not very effective in the long run... unfortunately.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Childhood's End (#1.5)" (2004)
[the sensors have discovered a powerful energy field]
Major John Sheppard: Do you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Any significant energy emission generally indicates technological civilisation.
Major John Sheppard: So... you think it's worth checking out?
Dr. Rodney McKay: [sarcastically] I'm sorry. Yes. Energy field good.


"Stargate: Atlantis: The Long Goodbye (#2.16)" (2006)
Ronon Dex: So people just sit and watch this box for hours at a time?
Maj. John Sheppard: Yeah, people do.
Teyla Emmagan: Is it that engaging?
Maj. John Sheppard: Depends what's on it. There are lots of programs on dozens of channels, every day, all day.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Most of which are fictional representations of ridiculously attractive people in absurd situations
Maj. John Sheppard: There are educational programmes, all sorts of documentaries. Not many people watch 'em but, uh, well, they're on.
Ronon Dex: And that's what everybody on your planet does for entertainment? Watch a box?
Dr. Rodney McKay: Not everyone -- although I will confess to the occasional half hour of 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Jeopardy?
Dr. Rodney McKay: It's the name of the show -- 'Jeopardy'.
Ronon Dex: Sounds dangerous.
Maj. John Sheppard: Double Jeopardy -- that's twice as dangerous


"Stargate: Atlantis: Reunion (#4.3)" (2007)
Ronon Dex: [after Sheppard sits down at his table and begins to eat] Teyla's already spoken to you, hasn't she.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yeah, well, we had a little chat.
Ronon Dex: Hm. So let's hear it.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Hear what?
Ronon Dex: Whatever you've got to say.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Not gonna say anything.
Ronon Dex: Really.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: I don't have to because you already know what I'm gonna tell ya. You're a valuable member of my team and that it would be difficult to find somebody to take your place.
Ronon Dex: Mm hm.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: And that you may think you're going back to find something you've lost, but there's nothing to go back to. Sateda's gone, and running around with your buddies isn't gonna bring that back.
[with a satisfied look, takes a bite of food]
Ronon Dex: [straight face] You're not gonna say any of that.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [shakes head, mouth full] Oh, I don't have to.
Ronon Dex: Look, this isn't about me trying to bring back the past.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [getting increasingly angrier as the conversation progresses] Well then what is it?
Ronon Dex: They need me. They always have. I'm the one that took care of them, got them home alive whenever we went into battle.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [staring at Ronan] You're one man, Ronan. You can't expect to protect them forever.
Ronon Dex: Probably not. But that's where you guys come in.
[pause, Sheppard looks interested]
Ronon Dex: We got some intel on a Wraith target.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [pauses, shifting position] The Wraith and the Replicators are kinda beatin' the crap out of each other right now; I think it's counterproductive to run an op against them.
Ronon Dex: I have a feeling you'll change your mind once you hear the details.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: [small nod, picks up coffee] Let's hear it.
Ronon Dex: Not yet. I want Tyre, Ara, and Rackai in on this.
[Sheppard sighs]


"Stargate: Atlantis: Outsiders (#5.12)" (2008)
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Jervis taken care of?
Teyla Emmagan: He and his men have been locked up. They will not be giving us any more trouble though I do not think it was necessary to stun them.
Ronon Dex: Felt good, though.


"Stargate: Atlantis: Thirty Eight Minutes (#1.3)" (2004)
Dr. Rodney McKay: If you know of some way of manually retracting the mechanism...
Maj. John Sheppard: In the cockpit, on the left.
Dr. Rodney McKay: The cockpit is regrettably demolecularised at the moment.