Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil
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Quotes for
Col. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neil (Character)
from "Stargate SG-1" (1997)

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"Stargate SG-1: Children of the Gods (#1.1)" (1997)
Samuels: I'm Major Samuels.
Jack O'Neill: Air Force?
Samuels: Yes, sir. I'm the general's executive officer.
Jack O'Neill: Want a little piece of advice, Major? Get 'reass' to NASA. That's where all the action's gonna be. Out there.

[Unsure whether Ra is dead or alive]
George Hammond: Are you sure he's dead, Colonel?
Jack O'Neill: Unless he can survive a tactical nuclear warhead blown up in his face, positive.

[Preparing to send a message to Daniel on Abydos]
Jack O'Neill: General, we don't need that probe.
Kawalsky: We don't?
Jack O'Neill: Nope. This'll do.
[O'Neill grabs a box of Kleenex]

George Hammond: Where's Captain Carter?
Samuels: Just arriving, sir.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
George Hammond: I'm assigning Sam Carter to this mission.
Jack O'Neill: I'd prefer to put together my own team, sir.
George Hammond: Not on this mission. Sorry. Carter's our expert on the Stargate.
Jack O'Neill: Where's he transferring from?
Samantha Carter: [Carter enters the room] She is transferring from the Pentagon. I take it you're Colonel O'Neill. Captain Samantha Carter reporting, sir.

[preparing to go through the Stargate to Abydos]
Jack O'Neill: Captain?
Samantha Carter: Don't worry, Colonel. I won't let you down.
Jack O'Neill: Good. I was gonna say, "Ladies first."
Samantha Carter: You know, you really will like me when you get to know me.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I adore you already, Captain.

[looking the Abydos Stargate's DHD]
Samantha Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Captain?
Samantha Carter: Look how small it is!

[O'Neill smells a drink that Skaara has brought for the team to drink at dinner]
Jack O'Neill: Moonshine?
Skaara: Moon... shine.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. Moonshine. As in booze. Daniel, what are you teaching these kids?
Skaara: Try it.
Jack O'Neill: Alright. Skaara's Moonshine. I'll give it a little shot.
[O'Neill sips it and spits it out in an explosive burst]
Jack O'Neill: Whoa!
[the team and villagers are laugh]
Jack O'Neill: [hoarsely] Smooth. Very smooth.
Skaara: Moonshine!
Kawalsky: Our little soldiers are all grown up, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. I'm so proud.

Jack O'Neill: Daniel, for crying out loud, you've had one beer. Cheaper date than my wife was.
Daniel Jackson: Yes. When am I going to meet your wife?
Jack O'Neill: Oh. Probably, ah, never. After I came back from Abydos the first time, she'd already left.
Daniel Jackson: I'm sorry.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, so was I. I think, in her heart, she forgave me for what happened to our kid. She just... couldn't forget.
Daniel Jackson: And what about you?
Jack O'Neill: I'm the opposite. I'll never forgive myself. But sometimes I can forget... Sometimes.

Teal'c: What is this?
Jack O'Neill: It's a watch.
Teal'c: This is not Goa'uld technology. Where are you from?
Jack O'Neill: Earth. Chicago, if you wanna be specific.
Teal'c: Your words mean nothing. Where are you from?
Daniel Jackson: Ah, excuse me.
[Daniel draws the gate symbol representing Earth in the dirt]
Daniel Jackson: This is where we're from.
[Teal'c looks at it and then leaves the room]

[Teal'c has just helped SG-1 and prisoners escape from the Gou'ald]
Jack O'Neill: Hey, come on!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
Jack O'Neill: For this, you can stay at my place. Let's go.

George Hammond: What's he doing here?
Jack O'Neill: General Hammond, this is Teal'c. He can help us.
George Hammond: Do you know what he is?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, sir. I do. He's the man who saved our lives. And if you accept my recommendation, sir, he'll join SG-1.

[Daniel is thinking about Sha're]
Daniel Jackson: She's out there somewhere, Jack.
Jack O'Neill: I know. So's Skaara.
Daniel Jackson: So what do we do?
Jack O'Neill: We find 'em.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I can save these people. Help me! Help me.
Teal'c: Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it.

Sam Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.
Sam Carter: Oh, Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you... or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

General Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it.

[O'Neill has sent a box of tissues through the gate for Daniel]
Major Samuels: What if the aliens get it?
Jack O'Neill: Well, they could be blowin' their noses right now.

Jack O'Neill: Oh, come on, Samuels. Let me be the cynic around here, okay?

Samantha Carter: [Seeing the Control Plinth of the Gate at Abydos for the first time] Amazing.
Samantha Carter: But, this is what was missing from the dig at Giza.
Samantha Carter: [Touches the central boss] This is how they controlled it.
Samantha Carter: It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to 'MacGyver' a system for the Gate on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Captain.
Samantha Carter: Look how small it is.
Jack O'Neill: Captain!

Jack O'Neill: Oh here we go, another scientist. General, please.
Samantha Carter: Theoretical astrophysicist.
Jack O'Neill: Which means...?
George Hammond: It means she's smarter than you are.

"Stargate SG-1: Fragile Balance (#7.3)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [the Asgard Loki has cloned O'Neill] Hey! We just saved your flat little white asses from the Replicators. This is the thanks we get?
Young Jack O'Neill: Hey, at least you're gonna live.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [everyone looks at Young O'Neill] What?
Young Jack O'Neill: Maybe you're a little put out, but this guy didn't hit all the right buttons on the Xerox.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: How long was I asleep?
Major Samantha Carter: Seven days.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's a record.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a... mini me.

Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Thought I'd just drop by and say- Ow!
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Sir, please do not resist.
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Hey, ease up, big guy!
Major Samantha Carter: [to the pilots] ... stay focused.
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Relax, sir.
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Okay, I'm warning you...
Security Force Officer: [from outside] Sir, please, stay there
Young Jack O'Neill: [from outside] Didn't I just say I was warning you? Hey! Oh! All right! That's it! Now, I'm mad!
Major Samantha Carter: [Sam opens the door to see the young Colonel O'neill pinned to a wall by two Security Force Officers] You can release him.
Young Jack O'Neill: [the guards release him] I'll forgo the charges for assaulting a superior officer. Carter... I could've taken him.
Major Samantha Carter: I'm sure

Young Jack O'Neill: I don't get it. We helped save their skinny asses from the replicators and as a thanks they shrink me and leave me to die.

[Hammond shows Carter the individual who tried to enter the SGC with O'Neill's security ID]
Major Samantha Carter: He's a boy, sir.
Young Jack O'Neill: As it turns out, Carter, yes I am. For the moment.

[the guard hands a mug to Young Jack]
Young Jack O'Neill: Finally!
[takes a sip]
Young Jack O'Neill: Hot chocolate? Are you kidding?

Young Jack O'Neill: Look, last night, I ate some dinner, had a beer, went to bed and woke up like this. Now can we please just get to the part where you and Fraiser run some tests, find a cure, make me big again?

[Daniel walks into the holding room]
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel, will you tell them who I am? Please?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Okay, love to. Who are you?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: What's goin' on?
Young Jack O'Neill: Daniel!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sounds like him. At least the loud, grating part.

Young Jack O'Neill: Had your Tretonin yet this morning?
Teal'c: [turning to the others] How could this child possess such knowledge?

Young Jack O'Neill: You know, ah, I think you two are enjoying this just a little too much.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, you are kinda cute.
Young Jack O'Neill: That's 'sir' to you, and being trapped inside a scrawny little body isn't my idea of cute, Carter.

Teal'c: Do you not experience increased health and vitality?
Young Jack O'Neill: My *vitality* was just fine, thank you.

Young Jack O'Neill: I don't plan on staying like this.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, in the meantime, may I make a suggestion? Try enjoying this as much as we are... sir.

Teal'c: [looking in O'Neill's refrigerator] Are you conducting some sort of scientific experiment, O'Neill?
Young Jack O'Neill: Hey, come one, that salsa's still good.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no easy way to tell you this, so... Sam's just gonna come out and say it.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, sir, as you know, the Asgard depend on a cloning technology...
Young Jack O'Neill: Oh, for cryin' out loud!
Teal'c: You have been cloned, O'Neill.
Young Jack O'Neill: [turning to face them] What!

Young Jack O'Neill: [to room full of Air Force pilots] I realize it doesn't actually say "Colonel" anywhere on my uniform, but it should.
[Carter nods to room in agreement]

"Stargate SG-1: Window of Opportunity (#4.6)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: [talking to the General about the loop] If it was just me I'd agree. But what about Teal'c? Come on! Is this the face of a crazy man?
[cuts to Teal'c looking very peculiar]
Jack O'Neill: Bad example.

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a weapon?
Daniel Jackson: [raising his hand] Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Bad example.

Jack O'Neill: [during the briefing] Anyway I don't know why none of you remember any of this! But I do know for a fact there's no point in having ole Doc Frasier examine us AGAIN!
[everyone stares at O'Neill. Cut to O'Neill being examines by Dr. Fraiser]
Jack O'Neill: I ask you... What could possibly be in my eye that would explain this?

Jack O'Neill: What kind of archaeologist carries a gun?
Daniel Jackson: Uh, I do.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Colonel: [stuck in a timeloop] If we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm gonna lose it.
[Teal'c looks questioningly at him]
Colonel: Lose it... It means go crazy, nuts, insane, bonzo, no longer in possession of ones faculties, three fries short of a Happy Meal, wacko!

Jack O'Neill: Uh, excuse me, George.
[hands the General some papers]
Major General George Hammond: Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?
Jack O'Neill: Handing you my resignation.
Major Samantha Carter: You're resigning? What for?
Jack O'Neill: So I can do this.
[kisses Carter and the loop resets]

[Jack's hitting golf balls through the Stargate]
Major General George Hammond: [shouting] Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?
Jack O'Neill: [shouting back] In the middle of my backswing?

Jack O'Neill: Weren't we just somewhere else?
Daniel Jackson: Where?
Jack O'Neill: Some planet.
Daniel Jackson: When?
Jack O'Neill: Just now.
Daniel Jackson: No.
Jack O'Neill: Sure?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

Jack O'Neill: I distinctly remember sitting here, listening to Carter prattle on about solar activity and a... corona... something.
Major Samantha Carter: Coronal mass emissions - I was just about to bring it up.
Jack O'Neill: There you go, how would I know that?
Major Samantha Carter: Maybe you read my report.
Daniel Jackson: Maybe he *read* your report?

Teal'c: Events do appear to be repeating themselves.
Daniel Jackson: Since when?
Jack O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.
Major Samantha Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.
Jack O'Neill: Yes we have.
[to Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: "No we haven't." That's what you were gonna say.
Daniel Jackson: Of course that's what I was gonna say.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, bad example.

Jack O'Neill: Well if you're lookin' for help translating it, you're barking up the wrong genius.

Jack O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop Daniel asks me a question, and I wasn't listening the first time.
Teal'c: You're not the only one to suffer some discomfort, O'Neill.
[loop resets; cut to Teal'c getting hit by a door]

[Teal'c and Jack are playing golf through an active Stargate]
Jack O'Neill: How far away is Alaris anyway?
Teal'c: Several billion miles, O'Neill.
Jack O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Jack swings again]

Daniel Jackson: On the other hand, it's kind of an opportunity.
Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Daniel Jackson: Well think about it, I mean if you knew in advance that everything was going to go back to the way it was then...
[Teal'c stops writing to listen to the conversation]
Daniel Jackson: you could do anything. For as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences.
[pause O'Neill rises from his chair]
Jack O'Neill: Excuse me.
[O'Neill leaves. Teal'c nods to Jackson and also leaves]

Jack O'Neill: Listen to me I know what it's like.
Malikai: You can't!
Jack O'Neill: I LOST MY SON!... I KNOW!... AND AS MUCH AS I - I could NEVER relive that again! Could you?
Malikai: ...No.
Jack O'Neill: Let her go.

Malikai: Once I've correctly deciphered the symbols on the altar, I will be able to master the time device.
Jack O'Neill: Why, so you can be king of Groundhog Day?

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 2 (#3.11)" (2006)
Richard Woolsey: That sounded like an explosion.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Because it was.
Richard Woolsey: Is Sheppard attacking the city?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Better be.

Richard Woolsey: That sounded like another explosion.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, yes it did.
Richard Woolsey: What does that mean?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Something exploded.

Major General Jack O'Neill: He said he'd be back in a couple of hours. That gives him a good - 11 seconds.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Whatcha doing?
Talus: Probing your mind.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Kinda roomy, ain't it?

Major General Jack O'Neill: I'll tell you what. You look around and I'll tell you if you're getting warmer or colder, alright?
Talus: Ah, there it is.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, hot I guess?

Richard Woolsey: He put his hand in my forehead. How can you resist that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well I like to close my eyes and think of England.

Richard Woolsey: General! General!
Major General Jack O'Neill: [peeking around a corner] And if I'm a replicator?
Richard Woolsey: Then I've just exposed my position.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Again!
Richard Woolsey: I'm sorry I'm not very good at this.
[O'Neill hands him an energy bar and Woolsey rips it open]
Richard Woolsey: I'm starving. Was this all you could find?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Actually, there was a lovely buffet.
Richard Woolsey: How'd the recon go?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well Stargate Ops is crawling with them. There's no way we'll make it across to the Jumper Bay.
Richard Woolsey: Are they looking for us?
Major General Jack O'Neill: I plumb forgot to ask.

Cetus: What were you doing in the flooded sections of the city?
Major General Jack O'Neill: The backstroke... I think.
Talus: What were you planning?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well I was planning to retire, but man is that over rated. You know I'm not a workaholic or anything but, I need to stay active... you know, in the community... it's a health, maintinance sort of thing.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Sounds more like a Plan F, doesn't it? As in, "We are totally..."

Major General Jack O'Neill: [to Sheppard, after being told who has come to rescue him] Dr. Beckett, is it? Well I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: [whispering] What's that supposed to mean?

Richard Woolsey: As long as the life signs detectors aren't working in these damaged areas, we should be able to hold out until they rescue us.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Uh, Richard, there's not going to be a rescue.
Richard Woolsey: What?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Landry has standing orders to nuke the city if there's any sign of a foothold situation.
Richard Woolsey: What kind of a standing order is that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Mine.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Please, don't be offended as I express my surprise that Landry would send you on a mission like this.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, sir, General Landry didn't sanction this mission.
Major General Jack O'Neill: So, am I to assume you are not surrounded by heavily armed SG teams and young strapping marines?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: You've got Colonel Sheppard, Ronon, Teyla, McKay, myself and Dr Beckett.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Ooh! Dr Beckett, is it? Well, I'm comforted.
Dr. Carson Beckett: What's that supposed to mean?
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: We've got a plan, sir. A good one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Yes, Colonel, I'm sure you do. But in the unlikely event you don't fail miserably, you're fired.
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard: Yes, sir. Look forward to that.

"Stargate SG-1: Exodus (#4.22)" (2001)
Teal'c: The propulsion system and communication array have been damaged beyond repair.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, that's good. Because according to my calculations we are roughly in the middle of nowhere. Give or take.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: You have to take that to the secondary cargo hold. We need to make room for the Stargate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey! Don't scuff the walls. I want this ship back the way we found it.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: My mission is to oversee the relocation of the Tok'ra base. What's yours again?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Protect Earth's big fat asset.

Major Samantha Carter: This is the sun that Vorash is orbiting. It's a regular main sequence star with a core temperature of about fifteen million degrees and enough hydrogen to burn for another five billion years.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: We wanna blow it up.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wow.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's, uh...
Colonel Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ambitious.

Major Samantha Carter: I've just never blown up a star before.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, they say the first one's always the hardest.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after ringing down from their, formerly Cronus's, mothership.] Hey kids, we're not parked in a red zone, are we?

Tanith: I must say, Colonel, I was most intrigued by the means of your arrival.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's a sweet ride. Little rusty, but it's got a lotta zip.
Tanith: How, exactly, did a Gou'ald mothership come into your possession?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It was kind of a trade deal.
Tanith: How so?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Cronus gave us his ship and he... got what was coming to him.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Regarding Tanith] That guy is a living cliché.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [O'Neill returns after helping Teal'c search for Tanith] Did you find anything?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, he's still looking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You've been out there for hours.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's a whole Jaffa revenge thing.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [O'Neill and Teal'c's glider is damaged in combat] Mayday! Mayday! We are *so* goin' in.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: This is *so* the last I help someone move.

"Stargate SG-1: Rules of Engagement (#3.9)" (1999)
Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Jack O'Neill: Master Teal'c, might I suggest we spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well... underling.

Samantha Carter: Teal'c, what about these?
Teal'c: They are intar.
Jack O'Neill: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Jack O'Neill: He also wanted me to tell you that the whole, "invasion of the Tau'ri" idea has been cancelled due to... rain.

Captain Kyle Rogers: My lord?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.

General Hammond: I'd like to debrief A.S.A.P., Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: Yes, my lord.

Jack O'Neill: Ol' Doc Fraiser says you haven't been eating.
Captain Kyle Rogers: It's poison.
Jack O'Neill: It's hospital food. Of course it is.

Captain Kyle Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I've already begun. This is the infamous tuna torture.

Jack O'Neill: Get the vacuum.
Captain Kyle Rogers: Vocume.
Jack O'Neill: Whatever! Get it!

Captain Kyle Rogers: [slyly] Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack O'Neill: And that information could save your life one day.

Jack O'Neill: Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What?
Jack O'Neill: Good.

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 1 (#7.21)" (2004)
Major Samantha Carter: And then it will overwhelm his nervous system, and the colonel will...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What? Meet my maker? Pay the piper? Reach the pearly gates? Start pushin' up daisies here and there?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wanna glass? I can wash one.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Is that doughnuts?
Teal'c: Indeed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [impersonating Mr. Burns] Ex-cellent!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. I mean, he's *so* deep. Go on, t-tell them how deep you are! You'll be lucky if you understand this.
Teal'c: [lifts one eyebrow] My depth is immaterial to this conversation.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ooh! See?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No more beer for you.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Hammond has accepted O'Neill's offer of beer] I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for... food.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [about the president and vice-president] Does anyone know anyone who voted for those two shrubs?

[Anubis is planning to attack in three days]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's not good for us.

Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I understand time is short.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's all relative, ma'am. Carter could explain better if we had more time.

[Jack has filled a crossword with Ancient words]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now see, I assume we still speak the same language, mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere: Planet. Label: Name.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Following still you not!

Major Samantha Carter: [Takes a folded up crossword puzzle from Jack] The fate of the world is hanging in the balance and you've been sitting in your truck finishing this?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I believe it was double or nothing.
Major Samantha Carter: OK, 23 across, the atomic weight of Boron. The answer is ten.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes?
Major Samantha Carter: You wrote the word 'fat.'
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Your point?

Major Samantha Carter: [Daniel suspects that Jack has just completed a crossword puzzle using the Ancient's language, and Sam is studying it] The clue for 7 down is 'celestial body', and he wrote 'Uma Thurman'.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [in a content voice, smiling] Yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 2 (#8.20)" (2005)
[versions of Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter and Teal'c have travelled back in time to Egypt in the year 2995 B.C. where they meet the Daniel Jackson of the original timeline]
Daniel Jackson: Well, this can't be a good sign.
Jack O'Neill: Why's that?
Daniel Jackson: Where am I?
Jack O'Neill: Ancient Egypt?
Daniel Jackson: No, I mean the me from your timeline.
Teal'c: I killed you.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Teal'c: You were a Goa'uld spy.
Daniel Jackson: Good reason.
Sam Carter: It was horrible.
Daniel Jackson: [not really interested] Yeah, I'm sure. Why are you here?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, excellent question.
Daniel Jackson: You don't know?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I thought I did, there, for a while, and then I realized I... didn't.
Daniel Jackson: Well, I know why *I'm* here.
Jack O'Neill: Good! Let's start there.

Sam Carter: [studdering nervously] I'm-I'm kind of attracted to Daniel.
Jack O'Neill: [long pause with blank expression then incredulously] What?
[long pause while stepping closer and then again incredulously]
Jack O'Neill: Really?

Jack O'Neill: How's it goin'?
Sam Carter: Never seen this kind of technology before.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, you're supposed to be a genius. That's why I brought you along.
Sam Carter: I'm working on it. I think the power relay was overloaded. I may be able to reroute the circuit to the control interface...
[pauses and sees Jack staring at her]
Sam Carter: What?
Jack O'Neill: It's just a little weird hearing that kind of stuff come out of someone so...
Sam Carter: [apparently taking offence at what she thinks Jack is about to say] So what?
Jack O'Neill: Hot.
Sam Carter: [chokes, then stutters] Really?
Jack O'Neill: Yeah.
Sam Carter: [pauses] Wow. Um... it's just... you-you're not the kind of guy that I usually attract.
Jack O'Neill: No?
Sam Carter: No.
Sam Carter: Heh, God. Wow. This is kinda awkward.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, it's gettin' there.
Sam Carter: I'm kinda... attracted to-to Daniel.
Jack O'Neill: [long pause] What?
[Sam shrugs, he pauses again; then incredulously]
Jack O'Neill: Really?
Sam Carter: Sorry.
Jack O'Neill: No, that's okay, no problem there, I just, you know... first impressions, I thought he was...
[he pauses, Sam looks confused, he does hand motion for "gay," but sees Sam doesn't understand]
Jack O'Neill: Nevermind.

Sam Carter: Didn't that tape say there were no fish in your pond?
Jack O'Neill: Close enough.

Sam Carter: Look, if we don't make it...
[kisses Jack]
Jack O'Neill: [angrily] Wait a minute! You said you liked Daniel.
Sam Carter: I lied.

Lieutenant General George Hammond: I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. Understood?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: Never in my life would I have imagined giving that order.

Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason why we brought the ship was so that we didn't have to walk.
Sam Carter: You can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.
Jack O'Neill: Meaning *shut up*!

Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] I give this no more than a 50/50 chance of working.
Lieutenant General George Hammond: According to the tape, it worked for eight years.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Hm.
Daniel Jackson: [wormhole is established] Wow.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I'm certainly glad it's not me going through that... um... thing.
Jack O'Neill: Any idea what to expect?
Sam Carter: Not really. According to the tape, we're going to be de-molecularized, transmitted over two thousand light-years through subspace, and then, uh, remolecularized on the other side.
Major Charles Kawalsky: I did not need to know that.
Jack O'Neill: OK.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Gateship 1, you're go for launch.
Jack O'Neill: Gate ship?
Daniel Jackson: [with hand gesture] Well, it's a ship that goes through the gate.
Jack O'Neill: [somewhat reluctantly] Alright.
Dr. Rodney McKay: [to Hammond] What? It's a ship that goes through the gate. Gateship.
Dr. Rodney McKay: Well, I thought it was clever.

Sam Carter: Look, if we don't make it...
[kisses Jack]
Jack O'Neill: Wait a minute! I thought you liked Daniel.
Sam Carter: I lied. I just wanted to get to know you better. You see, I'm a very cautious person, and I tend to take things-
[Jack interrupts, kissing her]

Daniel Jackson: [into the radio] Sam, Jack, it's all clear. You can come out now.
Jack O'Neill: [into the radio] In a minute.
[turns back to Sam. Daniel flicks his eyes nervously, viewing the celebration; Jack resumes kissing Sam]
Sam Carter: [muffled, after something in the ship sends out sparks] I can fix that.

Sam Carter: [Takes gun extended to her] I don't really Like Guns.
Jack O'Neill: Neither do I, how do you feel about explosives?

"Stargate SG-1: Urgo (#3.16)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this coffee's great!
Samantha Carter: I was just thinking that.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, is that cinnamon?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's, uh, it's chicory
Jack O'Neill: [contemplative] Hm, chicory.
[Teal'c unscrews the lid from the coffee pot and drinks the contents]
Samantha Carter: Teal'c?
[He continues to drink as everyone looks, then finishes]
Jack O'Neill: Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.
[the others look shocked]
General George S. Hammond: Just stay on the base. We're going to need to keep and eye on you for the time being.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, Daniel Jackson.
General George S. Hammond: For someone who just drank a half gallon of steaming hot coffee?
Jack O'Neill: Right.

General George S. Hammond: Can we determine what threat they pose?
Jack O'Neill: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Urgo: I wanna live! I wanna experience the universe! And I wanna eat pie!
Jack O'Neill: Who doesn't?

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors?

Jack O'Neill: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

Jack O'Neill: "Au revoir"... it's French. It means "ciao".

Samantha Carter: Well, he can't actually make us do anything we don't want to, sir.
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Samantha Carter, Jack O'Neill, Dr. Daniel Jackson: He didn't mean to.
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Jack O'Neill: Carter?
Samantha Carter: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some sort of visual communication interface; controlled hallucination.
Jack O'Neill: So... I... Be- What?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

General George S. Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Dr. Janet Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack O'Neill: What's the down side?

Dr. Janet Fraiser: [about Urgo] Okay, so what does he look like?
Jack O'Neill: A famous tenor.

"Stargate SG-1: Crystal Skull (#3.21)" (2000)
Samantha Carter: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like five hundred million billion just passed through you.
Jack O'Neill: No matter how dense.

Jack O'Neill: Hey, if you'd been listening, you'd know that Nintendos pass through everything.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I heard.
Jack O'Neill: Everything.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, can you imagine heatin' this place?

Jack O'Neill: Look, I'm sick of layin' around. Help me up.
Teal'c: Dr. Frasier believes you're not strong enough to undertake such a mission.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, whatever.
[O'Neill gets out of his bed and promptly falls down]
Teal'c: Dr. Frasier is usually correct in such matters.

[Only Nick can hear or see Daniel]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel said you should come along to make it work?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, I never said that. You're taking advantage of me.
Nick Ballard: Yes.

Nick Ballard: Now we must wait for the giant aliens.
Jack O'Neill: That just has a nice ring to it.

Jack O'Neill: [about Fraiser] Napoleonic power monger.

Teal'c: You may take us to Nicholas Ballard immediately.
Jack O'Neill: He's just a little anxious to see old Nick.
Nurse: Oh, are you close?
[Teal'c and Jack speak at the same time]
Teal'c: No.
Jack O'Neill: Yes.
Teal'c: Yes, extremely.

Nick Ballard: Daniel is here.
Major General George Hammond: Here?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Repeat what I'm saying: I'm standing right beside you.
Nick Ballard: Standing right beside me.
Jack O'Neill: He's lost a few pounds.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, don't be an ass.
Nick Ballard: Jack, don't be an ass.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes!

"Stargate SG-1: Fallen (#7.1)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: [Daniel, human again after being ascended, has no recollection of who he is] You were a member of my team, SG-1. You're a friend of mine. Last year, you died.
Daniel Jackson: I'm dead?
Jack O'Neill: Obviously not.

Khordib: [on meeting SG-1 for the first time, clears his throat] Greetings.
Jonas Quinn: Greetings. We're... travelers from a planet called Earth.
Khordib: You came through the chaapa'ai?
Jonas Quinn: The stargate... Chaapa'ai.
Khordib: He is Jaffa.
Jack O'Neill: No, but he plays one on T.V.

Shamda: No one can be a friend if you know not whether to trust them.
Jack O'Neill: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Shamda: Enemies promises were made to be broken.
Jack O'Neill: And yet honesty *is* the best policy.
Shamda: He that has too many friends has none.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, but, birds of a feather...
Shamda: I'm unfamiliar with that story.

[Daniel has been cleared to attend a briefing after having lost his memory]
Daniel Jackson: Besides, who am I gonna tell? I mean I don't, uh, I don't remember anybody, right?
Jack O'Neill: Good one.
Daniel Jackson: Thanks, Jim.

Daniel Jackson: Look, all I know is that the place you're searching right now is not it.
Jack O'Neill: Then, where is *it*?
Daniel Jackson: Did I just say, "all I know"?
Jack O'Neill: Everyone turn away. I want no witnesses.

Jack O'Neill: All I'm sayin', just for the record, this is the wackiest plan we've ever come up with.
[starts walking towards General Hamonds Office]
Major Samantha Carter: [as O'Neill passes] Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302?
Jack O'Neill: [still walking] Oh, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: [calling after O'Neill] Wackier than-than blowing up a sun?
Jack O'Neill: [over his shoulder] Yep.
Major Samantha Carter: [slightly resigned] He's probably right.

Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Major Paul Davis: Airstrike, this is command base. You are a go for take off.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I thought we were going with "Red Leader" on this one.

Jack O'Neill: Damn... that was close.

"Stargate SG-1: Fail Safe (#5.17)" (2001)
Sam Carter: [explaining the contents of the asteroid and how the bomb will affect it] The explosion will be enhanced by the naquadah, probably to the force of a small nova. This close to Earth, it would be enough to set the atmosphere on fire and boil the oceans.
Jack O'Neill: Okay, this was not in the movie.

Sam Carter: Now find the wires leading from the timer to the detonator and cut the red one.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, they're all yellow.
Sam Carter: Say again?
Jack O'Neill: There are five wires and they're all yellow.

Jack O'Neill: [looking out the window of a Goa'uld cargo ship, approaching the Earth] Carter... I can see my house!

Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.

Jack O'Neill: ...And after that, I kind of lost my temper.
Major General George Hammond: What exactly does *that* mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say Jack made a reference to Freyr's mother.

Sam Carter: Sir, the asteroid's core is composed almost entirely of naquadah.
Jack O'Neill: Of course it is.
Sam Carter: It makes up about 45 percent of the total mass.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Of course it does.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a couple of options. Number one, we give up. We use what's left of power and life support to make it to the nearest unoccupied gate world. There's a small chance we'd make it. From there we head to the Alpha site.
Jack O'Neill: Number two?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We take off and hope that our radio signal can be picked up by the Asgard in time to inform them that this was a Goa'uld attack disguised as a natural disaster.
Sam Carter: There isn't enough time for that.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I know.
Jack O'Neill: Is... there a number three?
Sam Carter: There's no three.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe there is. Teal'c, you said naquadah wasn't native to our solar system.
[Teal'c nods in acknowledgement]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which means that the Goa'uld must have towed it through hyperspace by ship.
Teal'c: A mother ship.
Sam Carter: Daniel, that's it!
Jack O'Neill: What's it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't have a mother ship.
Sam Carter: But the effect only has to last a few seconds.
Jack O'Neill: What only has to last a few seconds? What?
Sam Carter: Choice three, sir. We expand the ship's hyperspace field to encompass the entire asteroid. We take it out of normal space long enough to avoid the collision with earth.
Jack O'Neill: [Long pause] Is there a *four*?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm confident.
Jack O'Neill: Me too.
Teal'c: As am I.

Jalen: I'm Jalen of the Tok'ra. We received your distress call, and came as fast as we could. Can we render assistance?
Jack O'Neill: Well, you know, it's not like we don't have everything totally under control here, but... Sure, render away.

"Stargate SG-1: Paradise Lost (#6.15)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Maybourne has stopped walking up the Gate ramp] Yes?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: You know the real reason I wanna do this?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Huh?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I've never actually been through this thing before.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Really?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I ran the off-world operation from Earth using a Goa'uld communicator.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nervous?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Me? Nah... I'm just taking a moment.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [pause] Done?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Yeah!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good.

Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas Quinn: It's not Ancient, but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the ancient alliance.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas Quinn: Furlings.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, no. Not those guys.
Jonas Quinn: What?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. I just can't imagine cute, little, furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.
Jonas Quinn: I don't even know what they look like.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
[Teal'c smiles]

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know, Harry, it's not that I can't believe you lied to me again. It's that you
Colonel Jack O'Neill: lied to me *again*!

[Maybourne tosses an explosive in the lake to 'catch' some fish]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That is just wrong on so many levels.

Colonel Harry Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: With a grenade?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Sorry, Jack. I never should've dragged you into this.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, Harry. You've been a very bad boy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, don't you die on me now.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: What difference would it make?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Because we're about to be rescued.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Oh, that's nice.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Isn't it?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I think you suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Twice.

"Stargate SG-1: The Warrior (#5.18)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [two rebel Jaffa are battling] Hey! The hell you doin'?
Rebel Jaffa: We are training.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Where I come from that's called beatin' the crap out of each other.

K'tano: I honor he who would kill his god. And to his brethren of the Tau'ri, slayers of Ra, Hathor, Setesh, Heru-ur, Sokar, Cronus and Apophis.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well... somebody's been keepin' score!

K'tano: I see you are a man who speaks his mind, O'Neill
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, which is why I don't say much...

Colonel Jack O'Neill: This
[holds up Goa'uld staff]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: is a weapon of terror. It's made to intimidate the enemy. This
[holds up P90 machine gun]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: is a weapon of war. It's made to kill your enemy.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's with this Jomo Sicko thing?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Joma Secu.

Master Bra'tac: O'Neill, before we leave you should know that some of the Jaffa you are about to meet you have met before, in battle.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah... I thought about that.
Master Bra'tac: The Jaffa have long memories.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well that's alright, because I don't.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: 'Tek matte' is a greeting of respect.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ok.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm just saying...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't care.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ok.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [introduces himself] Colonel Jack O'Neill.
K'tano: A familiar name, cursed by every Goa'uld. Imhotep himself declared your days were numbered.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, that's fine as long as it's a really big number.

Stargate (1994)
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Give my regards to King Tut, asshole.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'm here in case you succeed.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I wouldn't feed that thing.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's got a harness, it's domesticated
[Taps Mastadge on shoulder. Mastadge is frightened and runs off dragging Dr. Daniel Jackson across the Desert]

[last lines]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'll be seeing you around... Doctor Jackson.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: I'm on Planet 'X' lookin' for a dweeb who wears green fatigues. He wears glasses.
[puts his hands around his eyes]
Skaara: [puts his hands around his eyes, copying O'Neil]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: He has long hair.
[puts his hand to his head and brings it down]
Skaara: [salutes]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: And he
[pretends to sneeze]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: sneezes.
Skaara: Ich!
[clucks like a chicken]
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Chicken. Chicken! Yes, Chicken Man!

Lieutenant Kawalsky: [in Nagada, the troops begin holding hostages and opening fire; O'Neil looks outside the city walls] Colonel! What do you see?
Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Sandstorm comin' this way.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [sarcastically] Well, that would have been an excellent reason to shoot everyone.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neil: Your job here is to re-align the star gate. Can you do that or not?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [nods] I can't.

"Stargate SG-1: Tangent (#4.12)" (2000)
Major Paul Davis: Colonel Jack O'Neill, Major Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, allow me to introduce to you Lieutenant General Vidrine.
General Vidrine: Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: General.
General Vidrine: Major.
Major Samantha Carter: General.
General Vidrine: Doctor.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: General.

General Vidrine: How does she fly, son?
Teal'c: The vehicle performed within expected parameters.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Woohoo!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sorry, sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, Teal'c. On our "6", is that what I think it is?
Teal'c: If you think it is Earth, yes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's shrinking.
Teal'c: Its size remains constant. Rather, it is we who are moving away at extreme velocity.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Y'know, I've already done that 'freezing to death' thing, and it's just not as enjoyable as it sounds.

Teal'c: There is little to say, O'Neill. We have fought and won many battles together. It has been an honor to serve by your side. We are brothers.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Wow. That's, uh...
Teal'c: Is there anything you wish to say, O'Neill?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What could I possibly say after that? Back at ya.

Teal'c: If we are to die, we die well.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: We could do better.

General Vidrine: General Hammond has told me nothing but good things.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Has he, sir? Well, then I'm sure he's left something out.
General Vidrine: Such as...?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [pauses, then speaks into his radio] Teal'c? You there, buddy?

"Stargate SG-1: Cure (#6.10)" (2002)
Teal'c: A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Glowing eyes, cliché behavior, evilness, that kind of thing.

Dollen: It is our hope, we will be able to repair any mistrust that may have developed between us so that we can pursue a long-lasting friendship between our people far into the future.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well said.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: ...we can say you'll solve this eventually, right?
Malek: At this moment, all I can say is it is a mystery.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What, you're suddenly stumped?

Dr. Janet Fraiser: I am sorry, Colonel. The Pangarans totally sugarcoated the whole side effect aspect of the drug.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, that's a shock, isn't it?

[SG-1 are stunned to see what appears to be a Goa'uld symbiote attached to a large womb in a tank similar to a fish tank. There are wires attached to the womb portion which is fleshtone in color and in stark contrast to the grey color of the symbiote. The symbiote seems to look at them as they enter the room]
Teal'c: A queen.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No kidding.

Dollen: Quite frankly, we intended to tell you how the Tretonin was made, eventually. We just wanted to first assess how you might react.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not well.

[a bottle of purple liquid is placed on the table in front of Jack and Sam. They look at it and and each other. Sam gives a cute little combination shrug and questioning look. Jack picks up the bottle and looks at it]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Dollen: We call it Tretonin, Colonel. It is our greatest scientific discovery.

"Stargate SG-1: Redemption: Part 1 (#6.1)" (2002)
Major Samantha Carter: Navigation?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Check.
Major Samantha Carter: Oxygen, pressure, temperature control?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All check.
Major Samantha Carter: Inertial Dampeners?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Cool!... and check.
Major Samantha Carter: Engines?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All Check. Phasers?
Major Samantha Carter: [smirking] Sorry sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [reviewing the files of new candidates] I can be as diplomatic and open-minded as anyone. Hammond is insisting SG-1 needs a socio-political nerd to offset our overwhelming coolness.

Major General George Hammond: Colonel Chekov feels that, as a symbol to our joint efforts, a Russian officer should be assigned to join SG-1.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Over my rotting corpse, sir.
Major General George Hammond: Colonel?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?
Major General George Hammond: I said I would discuss it with you and that I was sure you would give it some careful thought.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And that I will, General, but I'm still pretty sure I'll say: "Bite Me".

Anubis: I am Anubis!
Major Samantha Carter: Looks like a hologram projection, sir.
Anubis: Humans of the Tau'ri, your end of days finally approaches. There will be no mercy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter] Oh, come on, who talks like that?
Major Samantha Carter: Sir, this is Asgard technology. He must have downloaded it from Thor
Anubis: You will bow to my awesome power. There is nothing that can stop the destruction I bring upon you. Prepare to meet your doom.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, please!

Jack O'Neill: Hey, how come you're not downstairs with the rest of the eggheads? Not that you're an egghead. Well, you are actually. But in a good way.
Samantha Carter: I couldn't think down there. They all kept looking at me for the answer.
Jack O'Neill: Well you do have a penchant for pulling brilliant ideas out of your butt - head. Out of your head, when we need them.

Jack O'Neill: Hammond is insisting SG: 1 needs a socio-political nerd to off-set our overwhelming coolness.
Teal'c: Have you considered Jonas Quinn?
Jack O'Neill: Now I know you've been practicing, but I still can't tell. Was that a joke?

Major Samantha Carter: What about you, sir? Any ideas? I mean sometimes you have a way of seeing things at... at their simplest.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after a pause] I'm gonna go eat some cake.

"Stargate SG-1: 1969 (#2.21)" (1999)
Major Robert Thornbird: I'm Major Robert Thornbird. And you are?
Jack O'Neill: [coughs] Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Major Robert Thornbird: Your dog tags say otherwise.
Jack O'Neill: They're lying.

Major Robert Thornbird: Our cameras saw some sort of weapon.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, well it's hard to say.
Major Robert Thornbird: Some sort of state secret?
Jack O'Neill: No. Just difficult to pronounce.

[after some interrogating]
Jack O'Neill: Alright, I'll be honest with ya, Bob. My name's not Kirk. It's Skywalker. Luke Skywalker.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, we go in disguise; pretend to be foreigners.
Jack O'Neill: How are you gonna do that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I speak 23 different languages. Pick one.

Jack O'Neill: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: From a galaxy far, far away.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So what's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Find the stargate.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Find the stargate? That's-that's the plan?
Jack O'Neill: Elegant in its simplicity, don't you think?

Sergeant Bridges: [subtitled "You Russian spies?"] Vy sovetskih shpionov?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [subtitled "No!"] Nyet.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: He just asked if we were Soviet spies, I just...
[Jack gives Daniel a pointed look]
Sergeant Bridges: [to Jack] Come with me.
Jack O'Neill: [gets up] Sure. You bet.
[Daniel turns around to face the bunk, pinching the bridge of his nose]
Jack O'Neill: "Nyet"?

"Stargate SG-1: Small Victories (#4.1)" (2000)
Thor: [about the replicators] You have demonstrated their weakness may be found through a less... sophisticated approach. We are no longer capable of such thinking.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait a minute. You're actually saying that you need someone dumber than you are?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You may have come to the right place.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Where's the fanfare, General?
Major Samantha Carter: We did kind of save the planet, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Again. This should not get old, General.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be happy to debrief you all after I've debriefed myself for a nice hot shower.
Major General George Hammond: Permission to shower granted. In fact, I insist on it, Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bad?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I wasn't gonna say anything.

Major Samantha Carter: If there are still a small enough number of the replicators on board, a properly equipped team could possibly...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Save the world?
Major Samantha Carter: Getting old for you, sir?

Major Samantha Carter: We kicked their asses.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: They had asses?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not going fishing?
Major Samantha Carter: [shakes head no]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [in homer simpson fashion] Doh

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [as Sam walks up the Gate ramp] Have fun
Major Samantha Carter: yeah, sure ya'betcha

"Stargate SG-1: The Broca Divide (#1.4)" (1997)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [about Sam] She, uh, she tried to seduce me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh. You poor man.

Jack O'Neill: Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not Lucy!

[O'Neill hands Daniel night-vision goggles]
Jack O'Neill: Put these on.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Doesn't look like my prescription.

Jack O'Neill: I'm back to bein' myself. Just open up.
Teal'c: I cannot be certain you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as "Lucy".

[upon seeing a diseased Daniel flirting with a girl whom has the same disease]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel, you dog. You keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.

[in a large extravagant room with big bull heads]
Jack O'Neill: Love what they've done with the place.
Captain Samantha Carter: I was gonna do my living room like this, but, it didn't go with my other stuff.

Major General George Hammond: Captain Carter's computer model has thus far extrapolated only one set of symbols from the Abydos cartouche that contains these three glyphs.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Let me guess; that's where we're going.
Major General George Hammond: Very good, Colonel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you, sir. I pride myself on my deductive reasoning skills.

"Stargate SG-1: Maternal Instinct (#3.20)" (2000)
Master Bra'tac: I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, look, uh, we've been walking a ways today...
Monk: Your journey is only begun.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, I'm just sayin', I think I'm doin' us all a big favor by keepin' these babies on.

Monk: Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eyes you've mis-seen.
Jack O'Neill: Lightning you say?
Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack...
Jack O'Neill: No, I - You know me, I'm a huge fan of subtlety, but that's downright encrypted!

Dr. Daniel Jackson: The monk is just someone who's sort of taken up a curatorship.
Jack O'Neill: Kind of a janitor?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: More of a guide.
Jack O'Neill: An usher?

Jack O'Neill: [about Apophis] Somebody's gotta teach that guy how to die.

Monk: I cannot teach you what you already know.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't think I know as much as you think I know.

Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah?
Jack O'Neill: Shoes.

"Stargate SG-1: One False Step (#2.19)" (1999)
Teal'c: Since it is their planet, is it not we who are the aliens?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, the word alien refers to anything characteristic of a very different place or culture, anything really strange relative from our own perspective.
Jack O'Neill: Think we call you alien because you're from Chu'lak? Ha.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, maybe you could try coming up with something better than inappropriate sarcasm.
Jack O'Neill: You want sarcasm? Nice to meet you.

Jack O'Neill: You're obviously misreading a basic philosophical difference of opinion on how to handle a chrisis.
Daniel Jackson: Oh please! We have a-a difference of opinion on just about everything!
Jack O'Neill: Give me an example.
Daniel Jackson: U-u-u, I don't know! Pick something! How - how about - how about mythology!
Jack O'Neill: Rumors, lies, fairytales.
Daniel Jackson: You see! See! See! See! See! See!
[jumps around in a circle in frustration]
Daniel Jackson: Mythology is one of the primary motivations for cultural development!
Jack O'Neill: Maybe it is! What's that got to do with *filming a plant*!
Daniel Jackson: Exactly!
Jack O'Neill: What does *that* mean!
Daniel Jackson: I don't know!
[they silently look at each other]
Jack O'Neill: [calmly] Okay. What was that?
Daniel Jackson: I don't know. I don't feel so good.
Jack O'Neill: I've got a headache.

Jack O'Neill: [Jack and Daniel are in the infirmary. They have just had a major argue on a planet] Listen I, uh...
Daniel Jackson: No, no. Um... sorry, you were gonna say...
Jack O'Neill: No, it's just that, uh... Well... you know...
Daniel Jackson: No I know, I know. I know. You know that I...
Jack O'Neill: I know. It's obvious there's something...
Daniel Jackson: Something, something wrong with us.
Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson: Physically!
Janet Fraiser: [enters] Well, there's nothing wrong with you.
Daniel Jackson: What?
Janet Fraiser: Well, I've run every test I could, short of exploratory brain surgery and you're both in perfect health.
Jack O'Neill: Huh.

Jack O'Neill: What do you think, Daniel? Are they friendly spirits?

Jack O'Neill: [trying to keep aliens quarantined] Get back. Come on, get back. Fine. Knock yourself out. Go ahead. Go play in the street. Forget your sun block.

"Stargate SG-1: Shades of Grey (#3.18)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c, well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack O'Neill: Offered us a nice fruit basket, though.

General Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC, we will hold our self to the highest ethical standard.
Jack O'Neill: And when the Goa'uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves, I'm sure we'll all feel *great* about ourselves and our high moral standard.

Jack O'Neill: Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.

Jack O'Neill: I do appreciate that you were the one that came to see if I was okay. That... that means something.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, actually, no, it doesn't.
Jack O'Neill: Na?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um... we, ah, we drew straws. I lost.

Jack O'Neill: Helloooo Newman!

"Stargate SG-1: Red Sky (#5.5)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm not asking you to change the course of their development, just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, I've been thinking.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be shocked if you ever stopped, Carter.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I have great confidence in you Carter. Go on back to the SGC and... confuse Hammond.

[O'Neill is trying to convince the people of K'tau that their god will not save them]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hi, folks, listen. You all know Freyr, right? Big guy, kinda good-lookin', lot of fancy gold armor?
[everyone says yes]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, here's a flash for ya. That's *not* what he looks like.
Elrad: What do you mean?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: He's an alien who's been pretending to be your god. He doesn't have a Chariot. He's got a spaceship! Spaceship. Big machine like the one we were building. Only his is way better... and not blown up. I'm not kidding you, folks. This little fella is about three feet tall, got clammy gray skin, big black eyes, and skinny, tiny little arms and legs, like toothpicks.

Major General George Hammond: I thought the odds of success for this scenario were one in a million, Major?
Major Samantha Carter: Yes, sir. But I now think that we can increase that estimate to one percent.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's your call, General. I only understand about one percent of what she says half the time.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Carter after the sun returns to normal] Am I having a stroke?

Stargate: Continuum (2008) (V)
Teal'c: [Ba'al has just announced he may have a means of escaping. Teal'c eyes him carefully] He lies.
Major General Jack O'Neill: He does that you know.

Teal'c: There can be no doubt of your crimes.
Ba'al: What I mean is I'm not the last of the Goa'auld System Lords. Though I am the last of the clones. There were so many of us it's difficult to be certain.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Mitchell?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: We tracked them all down sir. This is the last one.
Major General Jack O'Neill: You sure?
[Mitchell stands there certain of himself]
Major General Jack O'Neill: That is why we've come all this way. Why we had to endure all that singing. Get rid of the last bad guy, then there's... cake.

Major General Jack O'Neill: [3 hours into the extraction ceremony] Never, in the history of boredom, has anyone been as bored as I am, right now.

Major General Jack O'Neill: [discussing Vala's disappearance] Oh for cryin' out loud. She prob'ly just went to the bathroom. I'm next in line, by the way.

Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: [walking in the arctic] Sam, we have to keep moving!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Why? If we're going to freeze to death here's as good of spot as any, in't it?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Nah, I don't like this spot!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Cam, come on what's the point! there's no one around for hundreds of...
[two people walking towards them and points]
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Who's that?
[run toward the two]
Major General Jack O'Neill: Wait! Which one of you is Mitchell?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: That'd be me!
Major General Jack O'Neill: Jack O'Neill; Special Forces.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Oh my God, we thought you were dead!
Major General Jack O'Neill: Back at cha' ma'am.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Have you ever TRIED to find the bathroom in a pyramid?

"Stargate SG-1: The Other Guys (#6.8)" (2002)
Her'ak: No matter what you have endured, you have never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You ended a sentence with a preposition, bastard!

Jay Felger: I have Coombs with me.
Simon Coombs: Hi.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Furious] Why, look everybody! He's got Coombs with him!

Her'ak: I am Her'ak. First Prime to Lord Khonsu of Amon Shek.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Very impressive. Got a résumé?
Her'ak: I captured you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes. Right, you did. Well done. You've got the job.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Carter, be honest. The résumé gag?
Teal'c: It needs work, O'Neill.

Her'ak: His true loyalties were well known. Once his betrayal bore fruit, his existence was no longer required.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You callin' us fruit?

Jack O'Neill: You ended that sentence with a preposition! Bastard!

"Stargate SG-1: Deadman Switch (#3.7)" (1999)
Sam Carter: Sir, he's not Goa'uld.
Jack O'Neill: And? But? So? Therefore?

Sam Carter: How do you keep from getting killed?
Aris Boch: It takes talent.
Jack O'Neill: So, how do you keep from getting killed?

Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, how fast will this unit fly?
Teal'c: I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light.
Jack O'Neill: Nice. Home for dinner.
Sam Carter: Ah, sir, if you're thinking of trying to steal the ship and fly it back to Earth, even at 372,000 miles per second, it would still take us at least ten years to get that far.
Jack O'Neill: [pause] Shoulda let the dog out.

Jack O'Neill: Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Aris Boch: Well, uh, Teal'c is worth the most. The, uh, System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here, well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill, you're considered - Well, you're a pain in the nikta.
Jack O'Neill: Neck?
Teal'c: No.

Jack O'Neill: Beetlejuice!

"Stargate SG-1: Full Circle (#6.22)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: So... you seeing anybody?
Skaara: [laughs] Maybe.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Really? It serious?
Skaara: [chuckles] We are betrothed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Trust me, that's serious. Congratulations.
Skaara: Thank you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I assume my invitation got lost in the mail, or...
Skaara: I wanted to ask you to shal'oki.
[sees that Jack is completely oblivious]
Skaara: To stand beside me.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [looks uncomfortable] Just... during the ceremony, right?
Skaara: Yes, yes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'd be honored.
Skaara: Will you be coming to my wedding alone?
[Major Carter approaches]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uhmmm... I assume Carter's invited, too?
Skaara: Of course!
[looks at both O'Neill and Carter]
Skaara: Will you be coming together?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: As in...?
Major Samantha Carter: Friends, going to a wedding.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah! Yes. Sure!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Jonas.
[walks off, as Skaara and Carter grin]

Her'ak: [Anubis's Jaffa have SG-1 cornered] Surrender or die.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [leans his head out] What?
Her'ak: [louder] Surrender or die!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was just gonna say the exact same thing!
Her'ak: O'Neill, of SG-1.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Carter looks at O'Neill, pause, O'Neill looks around and grins] Hey! How ya' doin? You'll have to forgive me. I'm terrible with names. What was-
[Jaffa fires a staff weapon and hits the wall next to O'Neill]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Geez!
Her'ak: I am Her'ak.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Congratulations. Failing upwards I see.
Her'ak: You have no choice!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Actually, I do! I've got the eye. And about a pound of very powerful explosive stuck to it! Give us clear access to the Gate, or I'll blow it up.
Her'ak: Yourself along with it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Carter looks at O'Neill] What's your point?

[the elevator Jack's in has shut down and Daniel has appeared behind him]
Daniel Jackson: Jack, Abydos is in trouble. Anubis is on his way. He's after the Eye of Ra. I have that replica Catherine gave me, it looks like this. Now, I'm pretty sure the real one is located in some secret chamber in Ra's pyramid on Abydos, but I'm not sure where exactly. According to legend, there were six eyes including those held by Apophis, Osiris, and Tiamat among others . Each is powerful on its own. Now if you use them in combination it increases that power tenfold. Recently, Anubis has managed to track down five of the six eyes, and only needs Ra's to complete the set. He's looked everywhere Ra used to hang out except Abydos, now he's on his way there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was sure that was an Asprin I took this morning.
Daniel Jackson: Jack it's really me. It's me. You have to help. You have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. I mean keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever. It doesn't matter. We don't have much time.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, Daniel. How you doin'? Long time. How are things in the higher planes?
Daniel Jackson: [turns his back on Jack, very aggravated, then turns back around] Hey, Jack. Long time, no see. How-how-how you doin'?

Jonas Quinn: Did he tell you where we can find the eye?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, he doesn't know.
Major Samantha Carter: He doesn't know?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I know! Personally, I think this whole "ascension" thing is a bit overrated.

Major Samantha Carter: The only thing we can assume is that Anubis didn't keep his deal with Daniel.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's a shock, eh?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, spank me rosy.

"Stargate SG-1: Point of View (#3.6)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: So it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talkin' about?

Jack O'Neill: Alright, I gotta know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
Jack O'Neill: No, no, no, no. Not that. What the hell does 'Kree' mean?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, actually, it means a lot of things.
Jack O'Neill: Uh-huh.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Loosely translated it means attention, listen up, concentrate.
Jack O'Neill: Yoo-hoo?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes. In a manner of speaking.

Jack O'Neill: Alright, uh, just to clarify, this Carter is from an *alternate* alternate reality?

Jack O'Neill: For all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with clichés, and you know how I feel about those. No, actually, *you* know how I feel about those.

Dr. Samantha Carter: If the Asgard could design this to give the gate extra juice, then they're just the little green men we're looking for.
Jack O'Neill: They're grey, actually. Roswell grey to be exact.

Dr. Samantha Carter: You have to understand, my Jack had the same face, same voice, same hands.
Jack O'Neill: Which brings to mind an obvious question: How could you marry such a loser?

"Stargate SG-1: Desperate Measures (#5.11)" (2001)
Homeless Man: I'm just a crazy old guy with a shopping cart full of cans.
Jack O'Neill: I'm just a cynical Air Force guy with a closet full of National Geographics.
Homeless Man: Can I have 'em?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Played a lot of hide'n'seek as a kid. It's funny, I could always find anyone anywhere, but they could never find me.
Jack O'Neill: Because they didn't *want* to.

Homeless Man: She was feisty; put up a fight.
Jack O'Neill: With whom?
Homeless Man: Ninjas. Three, maybe four. Happened fast. They pulled up in a white van, grabbed her. I've been telling the police about ninjas for years. You think they listen?

Colonel Harry Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack O'Neill: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.

Jack O'Neill: You alright?
Major Samantha Carter: Yeah. Very dramatic, thank you.
Jack O'Neill: You bet.

Major Samantha Carter: Sir, are you okay?
Jack O'Neill: I've been shot, Carter.
Major Samantha Carter: I know. Your vest stopped one of the bullets.
Jack O'Neill: I want sleeves on my vest.

"Stargate: Atlantis: Rising (#1.1)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: That was a waste of a perfectly good explanation.

Dr. Rodney McKay: [he is talking about the ZPM] Zed-P.M.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What?
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Zee-P.M. He's Canadian.

Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: Jack, if it's not too late for me to go...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No.
Daniel Jackson, Ph. D.: ...I'd just grab my...
General Jack O'Neill USAF: No!

Major John Sheppard: [after almost being blown up by a drone] Well, that was different.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: For me, not so much.

Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Jack.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Daniel.
[almost killed by a drone]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Warm welcome.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: It wasn't me. How'd you manage to...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: Keep my ass from getting blown out of the sky? The exceptional flying of Major John Sheppard. He *likes* it here.
Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Exceptional. You like it here?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill USAF: What say we cut to the part where you start talking real fast?

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Real World (#3.6)" (2006)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're not really Jack O'Neill.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Oh, I'm Jack O'Neill, all right. That's the one thing in this conversation I'm sure of.

Major General Jack O'Neill: I don't know anything about Atlantis, except that it was a fairly mediocre Donovan song, not one of my favorites.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Have you given any thought to coming back to the negotiating table? That non-proliferation treaty... you kind of left us hanging mid-sentence there. It'd sure be nice to hear the punchline someday.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: And the U.N. would be okay with that?
Major General Jack O'Neill: Not just okay. They're insisting.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Really?
Major General Jack O'Neill: When you're the best, you're the best. Even if you've had a little... setback, so to speak... he said awkwardly.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Did you get some sleep?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Yes. But still, I've been really tired lately.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Well, maybe you've got to work yourself back into playing shape. Spend a little time doing some short shifts before you jump up to the first line.
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: I'm sorry. I don't know a thing about football.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Nor hockey, apparently.

Major General Jack O'Neill: Now, just to be sure we're on the same page, we're against the proliferation of nuclear weapons, right?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Got it.

"Stargate SG-1: Prisoners (#2.3)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, look scary and take point.

Captain Samantha Carter: We need power.
Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some more subtle than others.
Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment, we just need the electrical kind.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: And she's just gonna hand it over?
Jack O'Neill: If we take her back with us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, can we just do that? I mean, we don't even know what she's in here for.
Captain Samantha Carter: What are *we* in here for?
Jack O'Neill: Jaywalking, I think.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Daniel awakes from being strangled] What happened?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, you actually won a fight Danny-boy.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't particularly remember getting the upper hand.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: P2A-509
Jack O'Neill: Little brain damage along the way
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, uh, SG-3 was scheduled to go on a mission to P2A-509. General Hammond said so in our last planning briefing. We rendez-vous with SG-3 and we use their remote transmitters to get home.
Jack O'Neill: And this just, came to you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, this came to me while I was suffocating.
Jack O'Neill: Then, P2A-509 it is. Linea, do they send food... and I'll use that term loosely... does it come through the gate on a regular basis?

"Stargate SG-1: Grace (#7.13)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Samantha, I'm a figment of your imagination. You're gonna call me *sir*?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Teal'c and Daniel say 'hi'. Um, they're planning a little bit of a shindig for when you're up and around. There's talk of cake.
Major Samantha Carter: A cake?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: My idea.

Major Samantha Carter: Thank you, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: For what?
Major Samantha Carter: Nothing.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Think *nothing* of it. I've got plenty of that.

Major Samantha Carter: Came to give me a pep talk?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's what friends are for.
Major Samantha Carter: Friends...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, this is you talking here. Might as well be honest.
Major Samantha Carter: What if I quit the Air Force? Would that change anything or is it just an excuse?

Teal'c: You are like a brother to me, O'Neill.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're like, what... 140?
Teal'c: A younger brother perhaps, but that is not my point.

"Stargate SG-1: Abyss (#6.6)" (2002)
Ba'al: I am Ba'al.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's it? Just Ball? As in bocce?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm energy now.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that workin' out for you?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Good actually. Very...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Very good.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Okay. Show me your stuff. Bust me outta here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I can't.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why not?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're interfering right now.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, you are.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, who are you talking to?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: A woman.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's nobody there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look who's talkin'.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Though a candle burns in my house, there is nobody home.

"Stargate SG-1: Chimera (#7.15)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [Sam is humming in the elevator] Humming?
Major Samantha Carter: I am?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You are.
Major Samantha Carter: Sorry.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's his name?
Major Samantha Carter: Now, why would you...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Humming.
Major Samantha Carter: Pete.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Pete?
Major Samantha Carter: Pete Shanahan. He's a cop.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Speeding again, are we?
Major Samantha Carter: From Denver. He's a friend of my brother.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Set up.
Major Samantha Carter: Pathetic, I know.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, it's great.
Major Samantha Carter: It's not serious or anything.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And yet it is... humworthy.

Major General George Hammond: You're suggesting Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Dr. Jackson's dreams?
Major Samantha Carter: We think it's possible, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Kinky.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm just happy you're happy about something other than...quarks.
[both pause and look at each other for a long moment]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That was good, wasn't it, quarks?
Major Samantha Carter: Very good sir.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Teal'c is picking out his doughnuts. He *loves* a good stakeout.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [whispering into his microphone, testing radio communications with Daniel's house] Hey, Daniel... Daniel! Are you sleeping yet?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [in normal voice] Yes, Jack. I'm fast asleep.

"Stargate SG-1: Solitudes (#1.17)" (1998)
Samantha Carter: Colonel...?
Jack O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear.

Samantha Carter: Sshhh. Try to sleep.
Jack O'Neill: Is that what we're doing?
Samantha Carter: You're exhausted, you passed out. I just thought we had to combine body heat or we wouldn't make it through the night.
Jack O'Neill: That's fine. It's just... very hard to sleep with broken ribs when someone's lying on you.
Samantha Carter: Sorry.

Samantha Carter: Try to stay put, Sir, I think your leg's broken.
Jack O'Neill: No, my leg's definitely broken. What's the bad news, 'cause unless they've redecorated the Gate room, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Samantha Carter: What's wrong with your chest?
Jack O'Neill: I think I cracked a rib too.
Samantha Carter: Why didn't you say something?
Jack O'Neill: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.

Samantha Carter: Daniel must have misdialed.
Jack O'Neill: Misdialed? You mean this place is a wrong number? Ah, for crying out loud.

"Stargate SG-1: Seth (#3.2)" (1999)
Jacob Carter/Selmak: So, you guys are the talk of the Tok'ra water cooler.
Jack O'Neill: For what?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Kickin' some major Hathor behind.
Jack O'Neill: Yes. We do take pride in good work.

Jack O'Neill: Jaffa jokes? Let's hear one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate one, O'Neill.
[Teal'c thinks]
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.

[Trying to infiltrate Seth's cult]
Jack O'Neill: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They were turned into eunuchs.
Jack O'Neill: Eunuchs, as in "snippity-do-dah"?

[Carter has just killed Seth with a Goa'uld hand device]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You killed him.
Jack O'Neill: [In an undertone] Hail, Dorothy.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I did a time-line Boolean search for religion, cult, Set, Setesh, Setekh, Seth...
Jack O'Neill: [interrupts] Yadda...

"Stargate SG-1: Demons (#3.8)" (1999)
Teal'c: I know of no Goa'uld capable of showing the necessary compassion or benevolence that I've read of in your bible.
Jack O'Neill: You read the bible Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your western culture. Have you not read the bible O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah, yeah... not all of it. Actually I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They... well, they-they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Jack O'Neill: Thus *saving* the person?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Jack O'Neill: Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Jack O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Jack O'Neill: [shouts at Teal'C's stomach] Way to go Junior!

"Stargate SG-1: The Enemy Within (#1.2)" (1997)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: Pure titanium, less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate.
Jack O'Neill: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam Carter: If it doesn't, the fail-safe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize, and there'll be nothin' to worry about.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, good. I feel much better.

Jack O'Neill: Listen, um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Major Charles Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack O'Neill: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: You don't think the Goa'ulds are sending people through, do you?
Jack O'Neill: Be like bugs on a windshield.

Jack O'Neill: Permission to barge in, sir?

Teal'c: [speaking of Kawalski, now dead] He was your friend.
Jack O'Neill: My friend died on the table.

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Lair (#2.1)" (1998)
Master Bra'tac: Perhaps when the warships of your world attack, we'll be able to...
Samantha Carter: Eh, excuse me. Did you say 'the ships of our world'?
Master Bra'tac: Surely you have such vessels?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, we have a number of - of...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill: Shuttles.
Master Bra'tac: These... 'shuttles'... they are a formidable craft?
Jack O'Neill: Oh yeah. Yeah. Bad day.

Bra'tac: We shall have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Jack O'Neill: You know, that particular cliché doesn't... always work.

Jack O'Neill: Well, I suppose now is the time for me to say something profound.
[long pause]
Jack O'Neill: Nothing comes to mind. Let's do it.

Jack O'Neill: [to Bra'tac] Will you *please* stop calling me human?

Jack O'Neill: I think what the Captain is asking is, "What now?"
Master Bra'tac: Now we die.
Jack O'Neill: Well that's a bad plan.

"Stargate SG-1: Summit (#5.15)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever just stops by to say 'hi' anymore.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Major Samantha Carter: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Major Samantha Carter: Little joke there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [dryly] Funny.

Aldwin: Are you interested in Tok'ra engineering?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh. Interested doesn't quite describe how I truly feel.
Aldwin: Well, you're welcome to join us.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you Aldwin, but I have to go help Teal'c... wait for Daniel.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does *not* include us dying.

"Stargate SG-1: The Torment of Tantalus (#1.10)" (1997)
Sam Carter: Where's Daniel?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, Ernest was showin' him a new toy.
Sam Carter: Really, what?
Jack O'Neill: Some fancy light show that may be the key to our existence or somethin' like that.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: There's no conclusion to the file. No summary, no notes, no reason to explain why they gave up.
Jack O'Neill: Well, whole boxes of material could be missing.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack O'Neill: Oh, please. The Pentagon's lost entire countries.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: This was transferred from film of experiments done on the gate in 1945. You don't find that the least bit intriguing?
Jack O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure.

Jack O'Neill: Basic survival training. We know what we have, what do we need?
Teal'c: We have the stargate. We need the dial home device.
Jack O'Neill: Thank you, Teal'c.

"Stargate SG-1: Jolinar's Memories (#3.12)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You said "Hell," right?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I'm gonna end up there sooner or later. Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?

Jack O'Neill: By all means... To Hell with us.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: My lungs are burning.
Jack O'Neill: Well, at least it's a dry heat.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: He's Sokar's eyes and ears here.
Jack O'Neill: Well, *eye* and ears.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: He ensures there are no uprisings.
Jack O'Neill: Keeps the conditions livable.

"Stargate SG-1: 2001 (#5.10)" (2001)
Major General George Hammond: The news must have come as a shock to them.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah, not really.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What Jack is trying to say is that if they were surprised, they'd never show it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: They don't get excited in general, General. It's like an entire planet of accountants.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after traveling to a world that looks exactly like Earth] Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.

Mollem: Colonel, you seem pensive.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, I was just thinking.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.

"Stargate SG-1: Watergate (#4.7)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [finding Maybourne frozen in the freezer] Holy frozen bad guys.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: Didn't you guys leave here in a submarine?
Major Samantha Carter: We, uh...
Daniel: The last thing I remember, we were being pulled into the...
Major Samantha Carter: Not really sure what happened, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Here's a thought: We just exchanged hostages. It's just a thought.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I suppose you expect my male bravado to kick in right about now?
Dr. Svetlana Markov: I've read your file.

Teal'c: [referencing Maybourne's corpse in a walk-in freezer after it exhales] Do not humans usually die when they are frozen?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Usually.

"Stargate SG-1: Secrets (#2.9)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: [Jacob is skeptical about SG-1's cover-story] I retired myself one time. Couldn't stay away.
Jacob Carter: From your analysis of Deep Space Radar Telemetry?
Jack O'Neill: [deadpan] Well, it's just so damn fascinating.

Jack O'Neill: You know, I can navigate my way across a galaxy, but I get lost every time I come to Washington.
Samantha Carter: Don't worry, sir. These are my old stompin' grounds.
Jack O'Neill: Sorry to hear that.

Jack O'Neill: It's O'Neill, with *two* L's. There's another Colonel O'Neil with only one L. He has no sense of humor at all.

Jack O'Neill: Will you excuse me? We just don't get out of Cheyenne Mountain enough. I'm gonna grab some air... outside. General, Captain, General... waiter.

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Hammer (#1.9)" (1997)
Thor: This is your prison. Your technology will not function here. There are no luxuries, no worshipers, no slaves to do your bidding.
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, I think we just got the answering machine.
Thor: Only basic sustenance, and time.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, well, great. Thanks - thanks for the chat.

Teal'c: The old stories say Unas had great regenerative powers. But those are tales told to frighten children. It is a myth.
Jack O'Neill: Ah.
Teal'c: It was dead.
Jack O'Neill: That's good.
Teal'c: I believe.
Jack O'Neill: You believe?
Teal'c: I am certain.
Jack O'Neill: Positive?
Teal'c: I am.
Jack O'Neill: Just a myth.
Teal'c: A myth.
Jack O'Neill: Good.

Teal'c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, the clichè is "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" And the answer's yes.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Do you know what this means?
Jack O'Neill: It's the only way out of here, Daniel.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: But what this thing can do for Sha're and Skaara...
Jack O'Neill: Teal'c's here now.
Teal'c: And here I will remain. I was with those who took the ones you love.
Jack O'Neill: No. You're part of this family now. We're not leaving you behind.

"Stargate SG-1: Fair Game (#3.3)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Certainly not those lyin', schemin', no-good-for-nothin', slimey, over-dressed...
Samantha Carter: Sir.
Jack O'Neill:
Samantha Carter: I'd like to try something.
Jack O'Neill: I wasn't finished.

Jack O'Neill: Chronus doesn't know that. And Nirrti doesn't know what else we know.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Which is nothing.
Jack O'Neill: Right. But she doesn't know we know nothing.
General Hammond: What are you suggesting?
Jack O'Neill: I'm just saying, maybe it's time we take a page out of the Asgard book on dealin' with these Goa'ulds.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You're gonna bluff.

[Trying to get advice from Thor, although he is not allowed to interfere]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: All right, send me back. Wait! Ah... Right there. Is that a head nod? A nod is usually down, then back up. You kinda just went down, right- Wait! I'll take...
[O'Neill is beamed back to Earth]

Samantha Carter: [Referring to the system lords currently negotiating on Earth] I just hate having them here.
Jack O'Neill: Major, I hate having'em anywhere.

"Stargate SG-1: The Other Side (#4.2)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Alright, I'm here two hours early. When did you get here?
Major Samantha Carter: I haven't left yet.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Didn't I order you to get a life?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You've got that look.
Teal'c: To which look are you referring, O'Neill?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: The one that says, "I have misgivings about this mission, but deep down I know we're doing the right thing"?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, the other one.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Their whole world is in flames, and we're offering gasoline. How is that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thank you.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I was speaking metaphorically.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure. He is concealing it.

"Stargate SG-1: Chain Reaction (#4.15)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [entering Maybourne's very empty apartment] Have ya heard of IKEA?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: If it wasn't for SG-1, right now you'd be sittin' there with a snake in your head, instead of your head up your a...
General Bauer: [shouting] Colonel!

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [to Maybourne] I see you're on that famous beer and mustard diet. How's that workin' out for ya?

Senator Robert Kinsey: How dare you come into my house waving a gun?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not waving; pointing.

"Stargate SG-1: Reckoning: Part 1 (#8.16)" (2005)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I am so sorry. I was just finishing up a lovely brunch.
Ba'al: Impudence.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: No tuna.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [talking to Ba'al about the Replicators] I've got a better idea. Instead of helping you, why don't we sit back and watch you get your ass kicked. That way you'll be dead and we'll be glad.
Ba'al: You cannot be serious.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Yes I can. I just choose not to, some of the time.
Ba'al: With your insolence, you are dooming not just your world but all of humanity.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I think big.
[Ba'al leaves]

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry. You said we had a problem, not a big galactic emergency.

Jacob Carter/Selmak: My relationship with the counsel's still a little strained.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It's not gonna get any better if you keep stealin' stuff. No complaints. I'll take anything I can get: weapons, receivers, silverware.

"Stargate SG-1: Upgrades (#4.3)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Uh, General, sir? About the obviously impending court-martials, I'd like...
Major General: You were all under the influence of an alien technology, Colonel. That's a pretty solid defense.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Even so, I... I'm sorry.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Me three.
Teal'c: I have no need to apologize.
Major General: Teal'c was actually following orders.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [resignedly] Of course he was.

Major Samantha Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, yeah, but that was to save Earth.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Waitress: What can I get you?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Um, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and baked potato.
Waitress: You got it!
[She starts to walk off]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Excuse me... That was for me!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah, I'm gonna have three as well.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Four?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Four... Four is good, yeah.
Major Samantha Carter: Me too, and French fries with mine... oh and a diet soda!
[O'Neill and Jackson give her a funny look]
Major Samantha Carter: I like the taste better!

[the Tok'ra have showed up with a box]
Anise: You may call me Anise.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Anise?
Anise: It means "noble strength".
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, I'm Daniel. It means, uh, "God is my judge".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm Jack. It means...
[gestures at the box]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What's in the box?

"Stargate SG-1: Within the Serpent's Grasp (#1.21)" (1998)
Teal'c: If the coordinates are for a Goa'uld world which is not on the Abydos cartouche, the Goa'uld will most likely not expect us. I believe a medical attack could be successful.
Jack O'Neill: Surgical attack, Teal'c. It's called a surgical attack.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Teal'c, what is this?
Teal'c: It is a Goa'uld long range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.
Jack O'Neill: Think it gets Showtime?

Jack O'Neill: I suggest the two of you figure out how get us back home.
Samantha Carter: Sir, the only way to do that would be to turn this thing around and go back to where we started.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right, I'll just go tell the pilot.

Skaara: Nothing of the host survives.
Jack O'Neill: That's bullshit!

"Stargate SG-1: The Curse (#4.13)" (2000)
[O'Neill and Teal'c are fishing at O'Neill's cabin]
Teal'c: There appears to be no fish here, O'Neill.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: T, it's not about the actual fish, themselves. Fish are not important in this context. It's about fish-ing, the act of fishing itself.
Teal'c: I see.
[cell phone rings]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You didn't?
Teal'c: By request of General Hammond.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [mutters] No way.
[Teal'c slaps a mosquito as he answers phone shouting]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes Daniel, he's right here. Please hold.
[hands the phone to Teal'c]
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson. We have caught nothing. We are fishing.

[Daniel asks for a translation over the phone]
Teal'c: "Banished to oblivion."
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Okay, uh, thank you.
Teal'c: If you require assistance, I would be more than happy to return to the SGC.
[O'Neill looks annoyed]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: No, thanks. I-I think I can take it from here.
Teal'c: Are you certain?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Give me that!
[takes the phone]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Goodbye, Daniel.
[he hangs up, removes the battery and throws it away]

Colonel Jack O'Neill: We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.
Major General George Hammond: Incommunicado.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Minnesota, sir.
Major General George Hammond: I stand corrected.

"Stargate SG-1: Foothold (#3.14)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: Just rain. Much rain. Wind, lightning, hail... did I mention the rain, sir?

Jack O'Neill: How's a needle in my butt gonna get water out of my ears?

[to a nurse with a needle]
Jack O'Neill: Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?

"Stargate SG-1: Cor-ai (#1.15)" (1998)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Hanno: Jaffa, you killed my father. For this crime punishment is death. I will now lead the Cor-Ai.
Jack O'Neill: Objection!
[crowd is suprised]
Jack O'Neill: That's something we say back on earth when-
[small pause]
Jack O'Neill: Never mind.

Major General George Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs.
Jack O'Neill: [short pause] Since when, Sir?

"Stargate SG-1: Proving Ground (#5.13)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [after a training simulation] Okay! So, we're all dead, and there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose! I gotta problem with that. Anybody else gotta problem with that?

Major Samantha Carter: [about a group of trainees] Try to remember when you were in their shoes.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I wore boots.

Lieutenant Grogan: We kicked ass!
[Teal'c cocks his head and raises one eyebrow]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You got yourself shot again, Grogan. Don't be so cocky.

"Stargate SG-1: The Nox (#1.7)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Wasn't I just...?
Samantha Carter: Killed.
Jack O'Neill: Killed as in...
Samantha Carter: Dead.
Jack O'Neill: Dead.
Samantha Carter: Yeah, we know. We saw it happen. Same thing happened to us.
Jack O'Neill: Well, this is a surprise, then.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: I think they're a family.
Jack O'Neill: Of what?

Jack O'Neill: The very young do not always do as they're told.

"Stargate SG-1: Avatar (#8.6)" (2004)
Teal'c: We have won.
Jack O'Neill: Well, that's what we do.

Dr. Bill Lee: We've been working on this chair for two years to make it a viable virtual reality training tool for SGC personnel.
Teal'c: You have failed.
Jack O'Neill: He's nothing if not honest.
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean - I mean, maybe we could, er, it could use a little more work but...
Jack O'Neill: Can you make it harder... more difficult?
Dr. Bill Lee: Well, I mean, we can input, uh, the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. It- The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual's consciousness with the chair's matrix.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, all I heard was "Matrix", and I found those films *quite* confusing.

Dr. Carmichael: [after injecting Teal'c's heart with adrenaline] That's not gonna work again.
Jack O'Neill: I don't wanna *see* that again!

"Stargate SG-1: Point of No Return (#4.11)" (2000)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I hope it's important. I was right in the middle of translating that cuneiform tablet we found on P3L-255.
Major Samantha Carter: I still have to finish recalibrating MALP 3K sensors for long-term reconnaissance on P5X-3D7.
Teal'c: I was unable to complete my Kel no'reem.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was just about to do something important.

[Marty has handed Jack a toothpick]
Martin Lloyd: I propped it up against the inside of my door. When I got home, it was on the ground, meaning someone was there.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: If you prop it up against the inside of the door, how do you get out?
Martin Lloyd: Through the window! You think I'm so stupid I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd: A top secret government program involving instantaneous travel to other solar systems by means of a device known as a Stargate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sounds like a good idea for a TV show. If you're into that sort of thing.

"Stargate SG-1: Message in a Bottle (#2.7)" (1998)
Teal'c: The symbiote I carry appears to protect me.
Jack O'Neill: Way to go, Junior!

Samantha Carter: If Daniel's right, this artifact has been doing this since Neanderthals were still a dominant species on Earth.
Jack O'Neill: Ah, that takes me back.

Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack O'Neill: Wild horses, Teal'c.

"Stargate SG-1: Touchstone (#2.14)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: We came here in peace... we expect to go in one... piece.

Samantha Carter: And the high priest turns a series of calibrated rings which seem to determine meteorological conditions over the entire planet's surface.
General Hammond: Do we have any idea what makes it tick?
Jack O'Neill: That's why we'd like to go back, sir. Carter wants to get a closer look with some of her specialized do-hickeys.
General Hammond: Do-hickeys?
Jack O'Neill: I believe that's the technical term, sir.

Samantha Carter: Bear with me.
Jack O'Neill: Bearing...

"Stargate SG-1: Pretense (#3.15)" (2000)
Samantha Carter: So you built that... stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: *Way* smarter than we are.
Jack O'Neill: Ours is bigger.

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?

Samantha Carter: Sir, what makes you so confident?
Jack O'Neill: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.

"Stargate SG-1: Entity (#4.20)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Shouldn't there be a memo on this stuff?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm not getting all my memos.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: [questioning Dr. Janet Fraiser's authority] Who put her in charge?
Major General George Hammond: The US Air Force.

"Stargate SG-1: Brief Candle (#1.8)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: From now on, we stick to rations.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, uh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesus region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's a paradise.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, sure. Have an apple. What could happen?

"Stargate SG-1: Evolution: Part 2 (#7.12)" (2003)
Rogelio: Don't worry. This is not the first time I've been shot. Save your friends.
[they still won't leave]
Rogelio: Please. They owe me lots of money.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Ah.

Burke: What's with the guy from Evil Dead?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Umm...
Burke: Classified?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yeah.
Burke: [laughs] You guys are into some crazy crap, man!

Burke: Is that that thing that made that guy do that thing?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Yeah, it's okay, it's off now.
Jack O'Neill: Good. That's good.
Dr. Bill Lee: Yeah, at least we think it's off. It's not glowing anymore so...
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Glowing thing really gives it away, so if it's not glowing anymore it shouldn't be on anymore.
Dr. Bill Lee: [to Daniel] Do you want to hold it?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: Nope.
[Daniel hops twice sideways away from Lee]
Burke: [laughing madly] That's crazy!

"Stargate SG-1: Bane (#2.10)" (1998)
[Maybourne has an order to take Teal'c for research]
Jack O'Neill: General Hammond, request permission to beat the crap out of this man.
[Hammond looks like he's considering it]

Samantha Carter: All I'm saying is that, not withstanding what happened to Teal'c, there may be invaluable technology on that planet.
Jack O'Neill: Carter, there are *bugs* on that planet. Big, huge, ugly, honkin' bugs!

Harry Maybourne: [quietly, to O'Neill only] Striking an officer is a quick way to a court-martial.
Jack O'Neill: [looks down at Harry] I'm not going to hit you, Maybourne. I'm going to shoot you.

"Stargate SG-1: Zero Hour (#8.4)" (2004)
Sgt. Walter Harriman: General O'Neill, Mark Gilmour. He's your new administrative aid.
Mark Gilmour: General.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Did I order one of these...
Sgt. Walter Harriman: [speaking over him] No, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Do I really need...
Sgt. Walter Harriman: [speaking over him] Yes, sir.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: General.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Colonel. We've all met.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, actually we know each other's life stories.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: That snippiness?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Is that a word?

Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Ba'al, come on, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.

"Stargate SG-1: A Matter of Time (#2.16)" (1999)
Colonel Frank Cromwell: [about Carter] Man, she's...
Jack O'Neill: Way smarter than we are. I know.

Jack O'Neill: What's with the "worm" part?

Jack O'Neill: Captain Carter, Colonel Cromwell. He's come to rescue us. But I wouldn't count on it.

"Stargate SG-1: Threads (#8.18)" (2005)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [O'Neill's arm is around her shoulders and she is leaning into him, for comfort] Thank you, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: For what?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: For being here for me.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [pauses and looks at her] Always.

Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir, I wanted to talk to you about...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Carter.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We haven't heard from him in a week.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir, we know he was captured by replicators. Chances are, he was on board a replicator ship when it disintegrated.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: All we know for sure is that he's missing.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sooner or later...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Forget it! I'm not fallin' for it this time.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Falling for it?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Yeah. How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up... in one form or another? I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead.
[to the air]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: You hear that? I'm not buyin' it!
[turns back to Carter who is staring at him]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What? He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing ya know, he'll come waltzin' through that door, like, right now.
[they look at the door]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Waltzing... now...

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: So... what brings you to this neck of the woods, on such a fine day, in my backyard?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well actually, I've been sitting in your driveway for the last ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve to come and talk to you. The truth is, I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Oh?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Pete put a downpayment down on a house. It's a beautiful house. But... The truth is, I'm having second thoughts about the wedding.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: See, the thing is, the closer it gets, the more I get the feeling that... I'm making a big, huge mistake.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Look Carter, I don't know what...
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: I'm sorry to bother you with this but, see, there's actually a good reason that I'm bothering you with this and if I don't tell you now, I might never...
Kerry Johnson: Jack, I looked everywhere, but I could not... Colonel Carter!
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: [coldly] Miss Johnson.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: We were just meeting here, in my backyard on this fine day to discuss the state of affairs.
[splashes beer everywhere]
Kerry Johnson: Well this is awkward.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Ya think?

"Stargate SG-1: Nemesis (#3.22)" (2000)
Jack O'Neill: You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought that when one got some leave, one actually *left*.

Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard an Asgard ship, for study, before the danger could be fully comprehended.
Jack O'Neill: We do that all the time. Kind of expected more from you guys.

Jack O'Neill: [Daniel has just gotten his appendix removed] Can I see your scar?
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: No.

"Stargate SG-1: Lost City: Part 2 (#7.22)" (2004)
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink in the kitchen.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Is that a joke?
Dr. Elizabeth Weir: Perhaps. A bad one.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, very bad. But I sense hope for you.

Major Samantha Carter: What's eight down?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um...label. With those empty spaces I think the answer is supposed to be identification. Thirteen across is sphere. Jack, this is it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Now, see I assume we still speak the same language...mostly.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Sphere...planet.
Colonel Jack O'Neill:!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Praclarush taonas. I...I think you wrote the name of the planet we will find the Lost City in the crossword.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Bit of a jump?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Why else would you do that?
Major Samantha Carter: The clue for seven down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes!

Samantha Carter: The clue for seven-down is "celestial body" and he wrote Uma Thurman.
Jack O'Neill: Yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Fire and Water (#1.12)" (1997)
Dr. McKenzie: I've had a great deal of success with hypnosis.
Jack O'Neill: Hypnosis. You know, I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.

Samantha Carter: [about Daniel's stuff] I wonder what they're gonna do with all this stuff.
Jack O'Neill: Maybe give it to a museum. Or start one.

[after Jack has broken a car window and General Hammond has calmed him down]
General Hammond: You know that's my car, don't ya?
Jack O'Neill: You should get that window fixed.

"Stargate SG-1: Singularity (#1.14)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: We have a rule here on Earth. Every kid has got to have a dog.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, what exactly are we gonna see after this eclipse begins? I mean, it is black, and it is a hole.
Jack O'Neill: Well, it might be a black hole.

Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the accretion disk.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like-
[looks at Jack]
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What did you just say?
Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Samantha Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did ya?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.

"Stargate SG-1: The Shroud (#10.14)" (2007)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Jack, you have to believe me.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Why?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: "Why?" Well, because, oh, I don't know, the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.
Major General Jack O'Neill: You know, that old chestnut's gettin' a little... old.

Major General Jack O'Neill: You of all people should know that I don't believe anything anybody says, even if I understand what they're talkin' about!

Major General Jack O'Neill: Yep! Just like old times. Except, I'm here against my will and you look like Marcel Marceau.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah. You know, some things change, but others stay the same.

"Stargate SG-1: New Ground (#3.19)" (2000)
Commander Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Jack O'Neill: I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise.

Commander Rigar: Wormhole?
Jack O'Neill: Giant worms. Huge.

Jack O'Neill: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.

"Stargate SG-1: Enemies (#5.1)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm enjoying their style. Shoot first, send flowers later.

Major Samantha Carter: This way, sir. It's not far.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Carter, how do you know where to go in a place like this?
Major Samantha Carter: I studied the Tok'ra specs of the ship while we were on Vorash.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know how to have a good time, don't you?
Major Samantha Carter: Havin' a good time now, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You go, girl.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: I believe someone said "We're not gonna make it!"
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Sam, let's get the hyperdrive running.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Excuse me. I distinctly remember someone saying "We're not gonna make it!" I think we made it.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: I'm sorry , I over-reacted. At the time it looked very much like we weren't going to make it.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Yes, well, maybe next time you'll just wait and see.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?
Major Samantha Carter: [grinning] Welcome to my life!
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What?

"Stargate SG-1: It's Good to Be King (#8.13)" (2005)
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: I guess, uh, congratulations are in order. You made general.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: You made king.
Harry 'King Arkhan The First' Maybourne: Right. Well, it's, uh, not a contest.

[about to start up a ship with a time machine]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: How do we know we're not gonna end up back at the Alamo?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Uh, well for one thing, that was on Earth.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: [after being captured for the umpteenth time] God I miss goin' offworld.

"Stargate SG-1: Birthright (#7.10)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well this is... odd.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Maybe they just feel more comfortable talking to Sam.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Why, because we have penises?

Colonel Jack O'Neill: As Teal'c would say, undomesticated equines couldn't drag him away.

"Stargate SG-1: Emancipation (#1.3)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: The hell with culture - a member of my team has been neutralized. That's a hostile act.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack O'Neill: I practice.

Jack O'Neill: Damn! Guess I'm gonna have to cancel that Oprah interview.
Teal'c: What is an "Oprah"?

"Stargate SG-1: Between Two Fires (#5.9)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Do you people *practice* being vague?

Dr. Daniel Jackson: So, push on blindly then.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Blindly, yes. But we still have our slightly heightened sense of smell.

"Stargate SG-1: Need (#2.5)" (1998)
Sam Carter: Sir, I think it has something to do with the Goa'uld that invaded me. Lately I - I get this weird feeling when I'm near Teal'c.
Jack O'Neill: Hey, who doesn't?

[SG-1 has been made slaves in a mine]
Jack O'Neill: You know, I've seen an awful lot of union violations around here. I should probably speak to your supervisor.

"Stargate SG-1: Origin (#9.3)" (2005)
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Well, I suppose after you've saved the world seven or eight times.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Who's counting, huh?
Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell: Teal'c. Actually, he mentions it quite often.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: We've been up against some pretty bad guys before.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Uhhh... not so pretty. Overdressed yes.

"Stargate SG-1: Enemy Mine (#7.7)" (2003)
Daniel: What's this? Artifacts?
Major Lorne: Yes.
Daniel: You found all this and-and you didn't contact me?
Major Lorne: We were going to.
Daniel: They've been moved.
Major Lorne: Well, they were in the way.
[Daniel gets a sour look on his face]
Jack O'Neill: Daniel?
[pats Daniel on the shoulder]
Jack O'Neill: Go to your happy place.

Daniel: [O'Neill's arm has been dislocated during a skirmish with Unas] Uh, if we go back to this planet, you're not comin' with us, are you?
Jack O'Neill: [looks at his arm] It's doubtful...
Daniel: Yeah, that's too bad. I was kinda hoping you'd take command of the mission...
Daniel: [explains to Major Carter] Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.
Jack O'Neill: Nor you.
[Daniel ponders this, nods head in submission to valid point]
Jack O'Neill: He's an ok guy, Daniel. He's just under a lot of pressure.
Daniel: Yeah.
Daniel: Yeah. I- I guess I just spent a lot of time breakin' you in, I just didn't wanna have to start with a new colonel.

"Stargate SG-1: 48 Hours (#5.14)" (2001)
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You rat bastard!
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Take it easy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I am *so* gonna kick your ass!

Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you need me, I'm at the Accent Inn checked in under the name of Cassidy.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: David or Shaun?
Colonel Harry Maybourne: Butch.

"Stargate SG-1: Sacrifices (#8.9)" (2004)
[Daniel has explained in length the current status of the Jaffa rebellion]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What was my question again?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Um, "How's it going?"
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It seemed so innocuous at the time.

Master Bra'tac: The warriors of Hakt'yl are grateful for your generosity.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me, always willing to help those who... need help.
Master Bra'tac: You are indeed a wise and gracious leader, O'Neill of Minnesota.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Sit down you old coot.

"Stargate SG-1: Full Alert (#8.14)" (2005)
Robert Kinsey: You want me to wear a wire?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: That's the deal.
Robert Kinsey: I am not a spy.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Think of this this way. If you don't do what they want, they'll kill you. If you don't do what we want... we'll let 'em.

Robert Kinsey: You want to take down the Trust. I can help you.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm sorry, I must have missed an episode. I thought you guys were working together.

"Stargate SG-1: Past and Present (#3.11)" (1999)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let me ask you a question. Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?
Jack O'Neill: Sure.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Ah, Teal'c, just refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation?
Teal'c: I was First Prime of Apophis.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?

Major Samantha Carter: You realise, of course, the implication?
Jack O'Neill: [Nods] No.

"Stargate SG-1: The Devil You Know (#3.13)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something that reminded me of the '70s.

Jack O'Neill: Iced tea... air conditioning... water.

"Stargate SG-1: Forever in a Day (#3.10)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: We both know you can't stay away.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Then I guess we're both wrong, 'cause I'm gone.
Jack O'Neill: Give it a week. You'll miss me.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, all the salty, bad-tempered insults, all the illogical arguments...
Jack O'Neill: Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c.

Dr. Daniel Jackson: Let's just say that there's something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.
Jack O'Neill: Now, see, I miss that. I have no idea what it means, but I buy it.

"Stargate SG-1: Tin Man (#1.18)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Well, that sounds ominous...

Harlan: Hubald, he was the creator of all this, but he died very early - too early. Took many secrets with him, so long ago.
Jack O'Neill: How long, exactly?
Harlan: Uh, exactly? 99,207,000 of your... hours.
Jack O'Neill: [immediately] Well, that's 11,000 years.
Samantha Carter: How did *you* know that?
Jack O'Neill: That's right?
Samantha Carter: [calculating] Yeah.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Wait, how did *you* know that?

"Stargate SG-1: Ascension (#5.3)" (2001)
Jack O'Neill: So, now what?
Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.
Jack O'Neill: Call Daniel.

Jack O'Neill: We brought pizza and a movie.
Teal'c: Star Wars.
Jack O'Neill: He's seen it, what? Eight times?
Teal'c: Nine.
Jack O'Neill: Nine times. If Teal'c likes it, it's gotta be okay.
Major Samantha Carter: You've never seen Star Wars?
Jack O'Neill: Well, you know me and sci-fi.

"Stargate SG-1: Memento (#6.20)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Have ya looked around?

Samantha Carter: [talking about fixing the hyperdrive buffer] It's like a... a light bulb that's burned out. You can't just fix it.
Jack O'Neill: Do we... have any extra bulbs?
Colonel William Ronson: There is no redundancy for that particular system.
Jack O'Neill: So, you're saying there's no redundancy?
[Teal'c who's zoned out by now, looks back at O'Neill at that repetition]

"Stargate SG-1: Revelations (#5.22)" (2002)
Teal'c: In which case, our chances of escape are negligible.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. All we gotta do is bust outta here, take out every Jaffa between here and the Pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home.
Teal'c: [dryly] I stand corrected.

Major Samantha Carter: We won't be able to activate the cloak until we come out of hyperspace. There'll be a brief interval where they might detect us.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How brief?
Major Samantha Carter: Just a few seconds. The odds of them spotting us are pretty slim.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How slim?
Major Samantha Carter: Hardly worth mentioning, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And yet, you did mention it.
Major Samantha Carter: Yeah. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't.

"Stargate SG-1: Affinity (#8.7)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Carter.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Sir?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I never thought I'd hear myself utter these words. I need that report.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I'm joking. I don't need the report.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: Well, then why...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Because something's goin' on with you. You haven't tried to confuse me with any scientific babble for the last couple of days and that's a red flag to me.

"Stargate SG-1: Into the Fire (#3.1)" (1999)
[the enemy thinks O'Neill is a Goa'uld. He walks towards the enemy standing by the gate]
Jack O'Neill: Jaffa. Kree!
Major General Trofsky: [Speaks a sentence of Goa'uld vernacular]
Jack O'Neill: You heard me. I said, "Kree!"

Jack O'Neill: Our beloved Hathor is dead.
Major General Trofsky: What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, okay. Ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this. She's gone. She is no more. She's... Well let's face it, she's a former queen.

"Stargate SG-1: Family (#2.8)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: If we can pull this off, Sir, we can grab Teal'c's kid and nail this mother
[small pause]
Jack O'Neill: Goa'uld in one sweep.

Jack O'Neill: Well, you got a price on your head, you're doing your job.

"Stargate SG-1: Reckoning: Part 2 (#8.17)" (2005)
[about to blow their way through a blast door with C-4]
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Use two of those things.
Colonel Reynolds: Sir?
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: It's a *blast* door.

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I expect to be put in your will.
Sgt. Siler: Already in it, sir.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Okay, that's... weird.

"Stargate SG-1: Enigma (#1.16)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, just thinking what the little guy with the funny hair once told us.
Jack O'Neill: The very young do not always do as they're told?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah.

Jack O'Neill: Dial home, Daniel.

"Stargate SG-1: Holiday (#2.17)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: [Testing to see if Machello really is Daniel] All right. Describe for me the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.
Daniel Jackson/Machello: I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did I wouldn't let you near her.

Jack O'Neill: [as Teal'c] It did not go well, General Hammond.
Teal'c: [as Jack; sarcastically] Ya think?

"Stargate SG-1: Forsaken (#6.18)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [quietly singing to himself, walks up to Major Carter prepping a telescope] Lots of interesting nebulous things going on?
Major Samantha Carter: Yes, sir.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [takes off sunglasses and peers into telescope, pause] I don't see squat.
Major Samantha Carter: Well, you wouldn't, sir... during the day.
[Jack clears his throat]
Major Samantha Carter: When the local sun sets and it gets dark, you can actually see a luminous layer of ionized gas around the dying core expanding.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Fascinating.
Major Samantha Carter: You don't care?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Hey, I like gas as much as the next guy.

Jonas Quinn: We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Unless otherwise provoked.

"Stargate SG-1: Learning Curve (#3.5)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: So Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Jack O'Neill: How old are you?
Merrin: I'm eleven. How old are you?
Jack O'Neill: So... Merrin, I understand you're a reactor expert.

Jack O'Neill: Okay, uh... fun is what you do to make yourself happy, like music, games. It's whatever you do when you're not learning to be a Rocket Scientist.
Merrin: I am here to teach Major Carter about the reactor.
Major Samantha Carter: sounds like fun to me.

"Stargate SG-1: Menace (#5.19)" (2002)
SG-3 Leader: Colonel, you said to look for anything uncharacteristic of the indigenous technology.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: *I* would never say anything like that, Major.

Major Samantha Carter: Maybe she has some sort of programming that prevents her from acknowledging she's anything but human.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Robot denial?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Looks that way.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Has it occurred to anyone that this thing may have been laying around that planet for quite some time and that maybe it's broken? Or perhaps it never worked right in the first place.
Major Samantha Carter: So you think we should just shut her down?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. Let's ask the man who just had his head cracked open.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: I don't think she meant to hurt me, I just don't think she liked what I was saying.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I don't like most of what you say but I try to resist the urge to shove you through a wall.

"Stargate SG-1: Hathor (#1.13)" (1997)
Daniel Jackson: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack O'Neill: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
Daniel Jackson: In a manner of speaking.

Jack O'Neill: Is mental illness contagious?

"Stargate: Atlantis: The Return: Part 1 (#3.10)" (2006)
Major General Hank Landry: You're not a test pilot anymore, Jack.
Major General Jack O'Neill: That's what the President said!

Major General Hank Landry: You're just mad you didn't get to fly the maiden voyage your self.
Major General Jack O'Neill: General, I am quite found of both maidens and voyages... I mean put the two together and...

"Stargate SG-1: The First Commandment (#1.5)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Well, we're off to see the Wizard.

Jack O'Neill: Look, I'm no expert on this thing. I generally remember one Commandment, I think it's the first.
Sam Carter: "I am the Lord, your God, and you shall take no other Gods before me"?
Jack O'Neill: Okay, it's not the first one.

"Stargate SG-1: The Fifth Man (#5.4)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I wasn't gonna let you die, Lieutenant. It's, like, a ton of paper work.

Colonel Jack O'Neill: You know what the Goa'uld really want from us? Minnesota. That's what. For the fishing mostly.

"Stargate SG-1: Orpheus (#7.4)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Take a break. Fraiser says Teal'c needs a little pep talk.
[acts proud]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Not 'peppy' enough?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Not really...
[Dr. Jackson nods and gets up]

Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Teal'c, Rya'c, Bra'tac, and Rak'nor have all been taken prisoner] This is my fault.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: How's that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: 'Cause I should have done something when I had the chance... when I had the power...
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I think we've already established that wouldn't've worked out either.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Nope! It's time for Plan B.
Major Samantha Carter: We have a Plan B?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No, but it's time for one.

"Stargate SG-1: The Gamekeeper (#2.4)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Um, General. Without meaning - this time - to sound like... a smartass... are you cracked?

[SG-1 pops out the Gate in the middle of a beautiful garden]
Captain: This is beautiful.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah. But where there's a garden, there's snakes.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: And flowers.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Way too many flowers.

"Stargate SG-1: 2010 (#4.16)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Let me tell ya somthin', Carter. You wanna erase your mistakes, that's your business. My conscience is clear. I warned everybody. I threw up the red flag and everybody, including you, shut me down.
Major Samantha Carter: I'm asking you to put that behind us.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I like things the way they are. No more savin' the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog.

[imitating a tour guide in what was once Stargate Command]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: ...And we're walking.

"Stargate SG-1: Serpent's Song (#2.18)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack O'Neill: Can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute, you *are* your god. That's a problem.

Apophis: I am worth far more to you than you will admit.
Jack O'Neill: You tell me what are you worth?
Apophis: Your people, they are still primitive. They will be destroyed.
Jack O'Neill: You don't look like you're up to it.
Apophis: Not me. There is another.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah? Who?
Apophis: There is much you would learn from me, Tau'ri.
[breathes heavily]
Apophis: But for that knowledge there is a price.
[O'Neill rolls his eyes]
Apophis: A new host.
Jack O'Neill: [raises his eyebrows] A host?
Apophis: So that I may live. In exchange for all the knowledge of the Goa'uld. The secrets of star travel, our weapons, our power.
Jack O'Neill: All that...
Apophis: In time, more.
Jack O'Neill: [leans down further] Go to hell.
Apophis: A single human life is worth so much you would risk a world?
Jack O'Neill: That's right. That's why they call us the good guys.
[Apophis lies back and exhales]
Jack O'Neill: [Directed at Fraiser, but still looking at Apophis] Doc, let me know when he dies.

"Stargate SG-1: Prodigy (#4.19)" (2001)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Look, doctor, this is another planet.
Dr. Hamilton: Actually, it's a moon. We're orbiting that gas giant.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, well, if it's a *moon*, go ahead do whatever you want. What could happen?

Teal'c: [Teal'c is preparing to shot O'Neill with a zatgun so that the electromangetic field will repel the energy based life forms] Are you ready, O'Neill?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: No. Give me a warning.
Teal'c: [Teal'c point the zat at O'Neill] I'm going to shoot you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I was thinkin' more along the lines of "On three".
Colonel Jack O'Neill: O.K. One.
[Teal'c shoots him]

"Stargate SG-1: Beast of Burden (#5.7)" (2001)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [Chaka attempts to apologise to Colonel O'Neill for getting he and Daniel captured by the slavers] Jack, it's not his fault.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Daniel, I'm chained up in a bad man's barn with a bunch of Unas, whose to blame is not at the top of my list of concerns. Yet.

"Stargate SG-1: Avalon: Part 1 (#9.1)" (2005)
Major General Hank Landry: A general's only as good as the people he commands.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Who said that?
Major General Hank Landry: I just did.

"Stargate SG-1: Shadow Play (#6.7)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.

"Stargate SG-1: Meridian (#5.21)" (2002)
[talking to a dying Daniel Jackson]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Because despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have, um, grown to admire you, a little. I think.

"Stargate SG-1: Death Knell (#7.16)" (2004)
Teal'c: Do you believe this prototype weapon will be effective against it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

"SGU Stargate Universe: Subversion (#1.18)" (2010)
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Everett, I'll have you know I'm missing a national security briefing for this.
Everett Young: Sorry about that, sir.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Well... If you'd ever been to a national security briefing you wouldn't say that.

"Stargate SG-1: The Changeling (#6.19)" (2003)
Jack O Neill: [Tealc walks into gate room with active wormhole] Hey lets go! Know how much it costs to keep that thing on?

"Stargate SG-1: Bloodlines (#1.11)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: All right, here's the plan.
Master Bra'tac: You will do as I say.
Jack O'Neill: Right.

"Stargate SG-1: New Order: Part 2 (#8.2)" (2004)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [trying to decide if he should accept his promotion] I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the man. If I do this, I'll be the man. I don't think I can be the man.

"Stargate SG-1: Thor's Chariot (#2.6)" (1998)
Teal'c: The destruction of the hammer device to save my life may have caused this. If so, I am responsible.
Jack O'Neill: General, I gave the order.
Dr. Daniel Jackson, Ph.D.: And I fired the staff at the machine.
Samantha Carter: And I... was there.

"Stargate SG-1: Double Jeopardy (#4.21)" (2001)
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O'Neill, it was my understanding that the robots agreed to bury their Stargate and never leave their planet.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: [pause] Yes sir...
Major General George Hammond: Then it would seem that your robot counterpart is equally as good at following orders as you.

"Stargate SG-1: The Sentinel (#5.20)" (2002)
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: And... I don't care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel better just knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [holds up a knife] Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Sean Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.

"Stargate SG-1: Prometheus Unbound (#8.12)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I didn't let you go in the first place. What makes you think I'm gonna change my mind?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because...
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Can you try to do better than that?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Because they're going to need somebody who can translate Ancient. I'm the most qualified person left on the planet for the mission.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is exactly why you're gonna stay right here.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: [desperately] Because I'll quit!
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Why don't you just hold your breath? You haven't done that in a while.

"Stargate SG-1: Smoke & Mirrors (#6.14)" (2002)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Someone duplicated the duplicators?

"Stargate SG-1: Frozen (#6.4)" (2002)
Jack O'Neill: D'oh!
Teal'c: What is it, O'Neill?
Jack O'Neill: I forgot to tape The Simpsons!
[Teal'c blinks]
Jack O'Neill: It's important to me.

"SGU Stargate Universe: Air: Part 3 (#1.3)" (2009)
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: So how is it going out there? Really?
Colonel Everett Young: Well, I don't know what Rush has told you. We may not have much time out there. The ship's very old, falling apart.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Fix it.
Colonel Everett Young: I'm trying. Even if we can get the life support working, we don't have much food and water.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Well, go get some.
Colonel Everett Young: We're not suppose to be there, sir. These are the wrong people, in the wrong place. And as a group, they're just not qualified.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: Oh, please. I wasn't qualified to lead that first team through the stargate.
Colonel Everett Young: I understand that, sir.
Lieutenant General Jack O'Neill: In the past dozen years or so, we've sent hundreds of teams through that thing. I think the bottom line is, none of us are qualified.

"Stargate SG-1: A Hundred Days (#3.17)" (2000)
[O'Neill is given a homemade brew and drinks it]
Paynan: So what do ya think?
Jack O'Neill: Absolute rot gut. More please.

"Stargate SG-1: The Tok'ra: Part 1 (#2.11)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Assuming, of course, you are the Tok'ra.
Cordesh: And if we're not?
Jack O'Neill: Well, I guess we all start shooting. There's blood, death, hard feelings; it'd suck.

"Stargate SG-1: Gemini (#8.11)" (2004)
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: We need the Asgard to send us a disrupter satellite as soon as possible.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: I've already talked to him. He'll be there in thirty minutes, or it's free.

"Stargate SG-1: The First Ones (#4.8)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I'm tellin' you, it's gotta be Hawkins.
Teal'c: [raises eyebrow] Trust in me O'Neill.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: What if I'm not O'Neill?
Teal'c: Then I was not talking to you.

"Stargate SG-1: Legacy (#3.4)" (1999)
Jack O'Neill: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything I may say or do that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

"Stargate SG-1: Fallout (#7.14)" (2004)
First Minister Dreylock: Kelowna will accept nothing less than equal representation.
Eremal: Really? Kelowna is solely responsible for this problem.
First Minister Dreylock: Need I remind you that the stargate is in our possession?
Tarthus: For the moment.
First Minister Dreylock: Is that a threat?
Tarthus: It's an assurance that when it comes to the survival of our people, we will do whatever is necessary.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: What, so now you want to go to war? My friends are trying to save your world, and you want to destroy it?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Oh, save your breath, Daniel!
[to the Langarans]
Colonel Jack O'Neill: You folks are done.
First Minister Dreylock: I don't understand.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, you see, we actually like the Madronans. They're nice people. And we've decided there's no way we'd subject them to the likes of you. Deal's off. You're toast.
Tarthus: General?
Major General George Hammond: Colonel O'Neill's right. You can stay until we hear back from Jonas and Major Carter.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's what you get for dicking around.

"Stargate SG-1: 200 (#10.6)" (2006)
Major General Jack O'Neill: I can sneak around all I want, totally undetected. I give us the element of surprise. The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.
Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Not buying it, eh?
Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Oh, I get it. Good one.
Teal'c: I can see right through you.
Major General Jack O'Neill: Don't push it.

"Stargate SG-1: Spirits (#2.13)" (1998)
Jack O'Neill: Is anyone at the Pentagon, or along the chain of command, remotely concerned about their Aboriginal rights, repeating history, that annoyingly pesky moral stuff?

"Stargate SG-1: Evolution: Part 1 (#7.11)" (2003)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Reynolds, I want flanking positions set up on either side of the clearing. Rig the perimeter with C4.
Colonel Reynolds: Not much faith in Plan A?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Since when has Plan A ever worked?

"Stargate SG-1: Scorched Earth (#4.9)" (2000)
Major Samantha Carter: Question is, will they listen?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?

"Stargate SG-1: There But for the Grace of God (#1.19)" (1998)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Good morning campers.

"Stargate SG-1: Space Race (#7.8)" (2003)
Major Samantha Carter: What is this?
Warrick: A complete operations manual for the Seberus. I had it translated for you.
Major Samantha Carter: Thank you.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: That's not our language.
Major Samantha Carter: It's mine, sir.

"Stargate SG-1: Icon (#8.5)" (2004)
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Daniel, we're always sticking our collective noses where they don't belong. It's what we do.

"Stargate SG-1: Cold Lazarus (#1.6)" (1997)
Jack O'Neill: Come on, get me outta here.
Jack O'Neill: Tell ya what, let me put it nicely. Get me the *hell* outta here!

"Stargate SG-1: Endgame (#8.10)" (2004)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: They'll never see it coming.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: Which is one of the advantages of a totally insane idea!
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yeah... Where'd I learn that from?

"Stargate SG-1: Beneath the Surface (#4.10)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I remember something. There's a man. He's bald and wears a short sleeved shirt. And somehow he's very important to me. I think his name is... Homer.

"Stargate SG-1: Heroes: Part 1 (#7.17)" (2004)
Emmett Bregman: Colonel, you know I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Fire away. I hope shots of my
Colonel Jack O'Neill: serve you well.

"Stargate SG-1: Lifeboat (#7.6)" (2003)
Teal'c: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.
Colonel Jack O'Neill: I dare you to say that again.

"Stargate SG-1: Homecoming (#7.2)" (2003)
Jack O'Neill: What's your situation?
Daniel Jackson: I'm hiding. What's yours?
Jack O'Neill: Carter and I are on the planet.
Daniel Jackson: You're gonna have to be a little more specific, Jack. I haven't had a chance to look out a window lately.
Jack O'Neill: You're hovering over Jonas' home world.
Daniel Jackson: Why?
Jack O'Neill: I wish I knew. Are you in any immediate danger?
Daniel Jackson: Eh, depends what you mean by immediate.
Jack O'Neill: Daniel.
Daniel Jackson: I'm fine. I got a location on Jonas' cell from the ship's computer. I'm on my way there right now. I just gotta couple of problems.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Daniel Jackson: Well, I'm not sure how to shut off the force field protecting his cell, yet.
Jack O'Neill: You said a couple?
Daniel Jackson: Yeah, actually, I'm a little lost at the moment. And I've only got about, uh, three hours left before the Tok'ra isotope wears off and I'm visible to the ships sensors.
Jack O'Neill: So business as usual then, huh?
Daniel Jackson: I dunno. Is it?
Jack O'Neill: Yes, we do this kinda thing all the time.
Daniel Jackson: Oh well, good. That's-that's comforting, then.

"Stargate SG-1: Moebius: Part 1 (#8.19)" (2005)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: We don't know where it is now, but we do know where it was: Giza, 3000 B.C.
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: You can't be serious.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: It's the only way.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: What?
Lt. Col. Samantha Carter: No, we agreed.
Brigadier General Jack O'Neill: If I have to say "what" one more time, heads are gonna roll!

"Stargate SG-1: The Serpent's Venom (#4.14)" (2000)
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Sure you got everything?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: You wanna try and reprogram that mine without the proper translation?
Colonel Jack O'Neill: Thought of a laptop?
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Oh, I have one. I just couldn't find Beck's Ancient Phoenician Symbology on CD at