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Quotes for
Simon (Character)
from True Lies (1994)

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True Lies (1994)
Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?
Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...
[Harry and Gib remove their masks]
Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see it!
[realizes that it is Harry]
Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?
Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.
Simon: No...
Gib: -Oh, yeah.
Simon: No...
Gib: Oh, yeah!
Simon: No!
Gib: OH, YEAH!
Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...
Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]
Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]
Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!
Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck out of here. Just go, just beat it.
Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!
Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.
[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]

Simon: Let's face it. The 'Vette... gets 'em wet!

Simon: I have to lie to women to get laid. Even then I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!

Simon: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right?
Harry: [fake laughs] Absolutely.
Simon: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.

Simon: Did you read the papers yesterday?
Helen Tasker: Yes.
Simon: Sometimes a story's a mask for a covert operation. See "Two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men in a running shootout ending at the Marriot."
Helen Tasker: That was you.
Harry Tasker: [listening to their conversation with Gib]
Simon: You see...
Harry Tasker: [whispers to Gib] That was me.
Simon: You're very good. You recognize my style. You're a natural at this.
Gib: The guy's a fake, man. He's taking credit for our moves.
Helen Tasker: What happened?
Simon: Hardly worth talking about. Two of them won't bother me again.
Gib: Unbelievable!
Helen Tasker: You chased one?
Simon: Something came over me. I just had to nail this guy no matter what the risk. Pretty hairy. I thought he had me a couple of times. But I can't take credit.
Helen Tasker: Why not?
Simon: It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react in a microsecond without thinking.
Gib: [laughing] I'm startin' to like this guy.
[Harry gives him a mean look]
Gib: [gets serious] We still gotta kill him. That's a given. You know.

[Simon attempting to have sex with Helen]
Helen Tasker: No, I can't. I can't!
[Simon still persuing]
Simon: If not for me, Helen, do it for your country!

Simon: Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them.
Harry: So basically, your lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that.
Simon: What are you, a boy scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily surburban grind for a few hours.
Harry: But what about their husbands?
Simon: Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean?
[laughs]
Harry: [fake laughs] Those idiots!

Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...
Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet again Carlos.
Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.
Harry: [proudly] Go for it.
Simon: Oh god.
[pees in his pants]
Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.
[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]

Harry: So who are you working on right now?
Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.
Harry: What does she do?
Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.
Harry: Married to some boring jerk.
Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!
Simon: [Harry punches him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!

Simon: Take her! Take her! Oh, god, don't hurt me!