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[about Harry's daughter, just having entered the fake computer company
: Do you think she's still a virgin? Harry
: Dont be ridiculous, she's only - -what is she now? Gib
: She's fourteen! Harry
: She's fourteen years old! Gib
: Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm.
[Harry has just returned from Helen's office and is shell-shocked
: Helen... Helen... Gib
: Helen...? Harry
: Helen... Gib
: It's got something to do with Helen, I'm guessing. Harry
: Helen... Harry
: [on the sidewalk next to their SUV
] Helen... is having an affair! Gib
: [hugs him
] Welcome to the club, man!
[Harry is under the influence of a truth serum,in private room located on a deserted island
: Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start? Harry
: Yeah. I'm going to kill you pretty soon. Samir
: I see. How, exactly? Harry
: First I'm going to use you as a human shield. Then I'm going to kill this guard over here with the Patterson trocar on the table. And then I was thinking about breaking your neck. Samir
: And what makes you think you can do all that? Harry
: You know my handcuffs? Samir
: Mmm-hmm. Harry
: [holds up his hands
] I picked them.
[Samir gasps. Harry springs up from his chair and grabs Samir, using him as a shield while he kills the guard, then breaks Samir's neck
: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct
] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh? Simon
: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...
[Harry and Gib remove their masks
: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see it!
[realizes that it is Harry
: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all? Gib
: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented. Simon
: No... Gib
: -Oh, yeah. Simon
: No... Gib
: Oh, yeah! Simon
: No! Gib
: OH, YEAH! Simon
: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd... Harry
: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face
: [Whining and pleading
] Oh God, no, please don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!
[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants
: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir! Harry
] Get the fuck out of here. Just go, just beat it. Simon
: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me! Gib
: [Gib and Harry get into their van
] Get lost, dipshit.
[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon
: [viewing Aziz and his behind the railing on one of the upper balconies,trying to translate for Helen what Aziz is saying
] In 90 minutes, the holy fire, will light up the skies.
[the terrorists are covering the nuclear warhead with an american flag and cement
: We will tell the the whole world, that we speak, the truth. No force can stop us now, we're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah. Helen Tasker
: Honey, if we're on an island, why are they using trucks? Harry
: We must be in the Florida Keys. These are the islands that have highways that connect the islands to the mainland. Helen Tasker
: There's no borders, no customs. They can go anywhere in the U.S. They're will be no one to stop them. Harry
: But, us. Here take this
[hands Helen an Uzi
] Helen Tasker
] Oh, shit.
: [Loopy from the truth serum he's been given, in private room located on a deserted island
] Ask me a question I would normally lie to. Helen Tasker
] Are we gonna die? Harry
: Yep! Helen Tasker
: I'd say it's working. Harry
: They're gonna shoot us in the head or they gonna torture us to death or they gonna leave us here when the bomb blows up... Helen Tasker
: Have you ever killed anyone? Harry
: Yeah, but they were all bad.
[while preparing to fire a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging from
: [presses the button
] You're fired!
: [to Juno, on her private plane
] There *is* no us, you psychopathic bitch!
: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette with Simon driving
] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right? Harry
: [fake laughs
] Absolutely. Simon
: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.
: [driving in their SUV
] You tell on me, I tell on you. Gib
: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as... Harry
: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job? Gib
: You knew about that? Harry
: [in a Chinese restaurant
] Did you read the papers yesterday? Helen Tasker
] Yes. Simon
: Sometimes a story's a mask for a covert operation. See "Two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men in a running shootout ending at the Marriot." Helen Tasker
: That was you. Harry Tasker
: [listening to their conversation with Gib
: You see... Harry Tasker
: [whispers to Gib
] That was me. Simon
: You're very good. You recognize my style. You're a natural at this. Gib
: The guy's a fake, man. He's taking credit for our moves. Helen Tasker
: What happened? Simon
: Hardly worth talking about. Two of them won't bother me again. Gib
: Unbelievable! Helen Tasker
: You chased one? Simon
: Something came over me. I just had to nail this guy no matter what the risk. Pretty hairy. I thought he had me a couple of times. But I can't take credit. Helen Tasker
: Why not? Simon
: It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react in a microsecond without thinking. Gib
] I'm startin' to like this guy.
[Harry gives him a mean look
: [gets serious
] We still gotta kill him. That's a given. You know.
: [talking through microphones and speakers
] The code name of your assignment will be... Boris. And your code name will be... Helen Tasker
] Natasha? Harry
: No... Doris.
: [on the floor of the fake computer company
] Care to tango? Faisil
: Yes, I would. Harry
: [they start dancing
: [leaning on Simon's corvette, having lunch
] Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them. Harry
: So basically, your lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that. Simon
: What are you, a boy scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily surburban grind for a few hours. Harry
: But what about their husbands? Simon
: Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean?
: [fake laughs
] Those idiots!
[Harry returns to the van after escaping the castle
: Hi guys. Gib
: Well that worked real good. Right out the old front gate. Harry
: Can you lean back a second...
[Harry shoots two remaining pursuers
: [over the radio, riding in the middle of a park
] Can you hurry up. My horse is getting tired. Gib
: [over the radio
] Your horse?
[Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon
] Salim Abu Aziz
: Do you know what this is? Harry
: I know what this is...
: This is an espresso machine.
: No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker.
[Salim approaches Harry
: Is it a water heater?
: [over radio
] All right twinkle toes, what's your exit strategy? Harry
: I'm gonna walk right out of the front gate. Gib
: [over radio
] Ballsy. Stupid but ballsy.
[Harry is commandeering a Harrier to rescue his daughter
: Harry, do you realize it has, in fact, been 10 years since you've been behind the wheel of one of these things? Harry Tasker
: If I break it, they can take it outta my pay.
: Well, you see, this is the problem with terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules.
[Harry sticks an unconscious terrorist's head in a bathroom urinal and flushes it
] Harry Tasker
: Cool off.
[Harry lights up a cigarette and starts coughing
: [over the radio
] Dickhead. Harry
: [over the radio, walking on the street
] Blow me.
: [on the driveway of the castle
] Can I see your invitation? Harry
: [takes out a cigarette case and presses a button on it
] Sure, here's my invitation.
[blows shed sky-high
: [Harry is reading the tapped phone conversations from Helen, notices something, and quickly pulls the car over to the side of the road and up onto the curb
: [getting out of the passenger side
] My turn to drive? Harry
: Give me the page! Gib
: What? Harry
: This jumps from page 9 to page 11, where's page 10? Gib
: [looks at paper
] Must be a typo. Harry
: [shouts, breaks the window with his bare fist
] Give me the goddamn page! Harry
[Gib looks at the window, and quickly grabs page 10 from his coat
: [translating the terrorist celebrations for Helen
] ... We're cool, we're badasses, blah, blah, blah.
: [regrettably to Helen
] What can I say? I'm a spy.
: [hitting on a woman at the party
] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele... Harry
: [puts his hand in Simon
] So, we meet again Carlos. Helen Tasker
: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin
] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here. Harry
] Go for it. Simon
: Oh god.
[pees in his pants
] Helen Tasker
: Fear is not an option.
[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming
: [referring to Helen
] So who are you working on right now? Simon
: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great. Harry
: What does she do? Simon
: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk. Harry
: Married to some boring jerk. Simon
: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA! Simon
: [Harry punches him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends
: [to Harry, who thinks his wife is having an affair
] Hey, Harry. Listen, Helen still loves you. You know, she just wants to bang this guy for a while. You know? It's nothing serious. You'll get used to it soon... Harry
: [slams him up against a car
] Stop cheering me up!
: Put a tap on her phone. Gib
: What are you talking about? I already did that. Harry
: I'm talking about Helen's. Put a tap on her office line and the line to my house. Do it NOW. Gib
: Okay. All right. Just come over her. Sounds great. I just wanna ask you about something.
[takes him aside
: I got two words to describe that idea, in-sane. An unauthorized wire tap is a felony, pard... Harry
: [slams him up against the wall
] And we're doing it twenty times a day! So don't give me that crap.