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: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip. Kip
: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes... *all day*. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter. Napoleon Dynamite
: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time. Kip
: Try and hit me, Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: What? Kip
: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
: So what do you think? Kip
: It's pretty cool, I guess. Uncle Rico
: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state. Napoleon Dynamite
: This is pretty much the worst video ever made. Kip
: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that. Uncle Rico
: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave. Napoleon Dynamite
: You guys are retarded!
: It's a time machine, Napoleon. We bought it online. Napoleon Dynamite
: Yeah, right. Kip
: It works, Napoleon. You don't even know. Napoleon Dynamite
: Have you guys tried it yet? Kip
: What about your girlfriend? Kip
: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
: I'm trying to earn money for college. Kip
: [from the background
] Your mom goes to college.
: [talking about the breast enhancers
] Why don't you sell some to your girlfriend. Might as well do somethin' while you're doing nothin'. Kip
: Because she doesn't NEED any, that's why!
: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
[Deb is making a glamour shot of Uncle Rico
: Okay, turn you head on more of a slant...
[all three turn their heads in a slant
: Now, make a fist. Slowly ease it up underneath your chin.
[all three slowly ease up fists under their chins
: This is looking really good. Kip
: You can say that again.
[Uncle Rico acknowledges
: Kay, hold still right there. Now, just imagine you're weightless, in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by tiny little seahorses.
[Uncle Rico pictures it and give a gleaming look at the camera
: [takes the picture
] That was the one. I think that's gonna come out really nice. Uncle Rico
: Ah, how you did it... wow... well I felt really relaxed. Thanks Deb.
[Uncle Rico puts his fist down, then swats a fly
] Uncle Rico
: You're up Kip. Kip
: Is there some kind of vest that I can wear?
[makes gesture of putting on a vest
: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days. Uncle Rico
: Yeah, well what does she look like? Kip
: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda T.O.'d because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
: Hey can I use your guys's phone for a sec? Secretary No. 1
: Is there anything wrong? Napoleon Dynamite
: I don't feel very good.
[takes telephone and dials number
: [making nachos on the other side of the line
] Hi. Napoleon Dynamite
: Is grandma there? Kip
: No, she's getting her hair done. Napoleon Dynamite
: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Kip
: What do you need? Napoleon Dynamite
: Can you just go get her for me? Kip
: I'm really busy right now. Napoleon Dynamite
: Just tell her to come get me. Kip
: Why? Napoleon Dynamite
: Cause I don't feel good! Kip
: Well, have you talked to the school nurse? Napoleon Dynamite
: No, she doesn't know anything. Will you just come get me? Kip
: No. Napoleon Dynamite
: Well, will you do me a favor then? Can you bring me my chapstick? Kip
: No, Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: But my lips hurt real bad! Kip
: Just borrow some from the school nurse. I know she has like five sticks in her drawer. Napoleon Dynamite
: I'm not gonna use hers, you sicko! Kip
: See ya.
[Kip hangs up
] Napoleon Dynamite
: Uh! Idiot!
[Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife
: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel? Kip
: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself. Uncle Rico
: Right on... right on.
[Napoleon Dynamite straps himself into the time machine
: So are you ready? Napoleon Dynamite
: Yeah, hold on... I forgot to put in the crystals.
: So, how long are we talkin' about workin'? Uncle Rico
: What? Are you? You're already losing your steam? Kip
: No. I just... I have a chat room meeting at 4:00. I gotta be back here by then. Uncle Rico
: All right, you just start a little earlier. That's all. Kip
: All right. Uncle Rico
: Or else work afterwards. How long's the chat room? Kip
: Geez, sometimes up to three, four hours maybe... maybe not. I don't know. Uncle Rico
: You... You? You pay the bills for that? Does that cost money every time you're on, like, for minutes on the phone? Kip
: Yeah. Grandma's still payin' per minute. She gets kinda pissed at me sometimes 'cause I'm on there so long. Uncle Rico
: I'll bet she does. I'll tell you something, I'd be throwin' you out the window.
: So when's grandma coming back? Uncle Rico
: I don't know. Not sure. Napoleon Dynamite
: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies. Uncle Rico
: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn. Napoleon Dynamite
: Kip is like 32 years old. Kip
: I don't mind if you stay.
: [typing a poem on his computer
] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers. Kip
: How bout some gold bracelets? Uncle Rico
: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man. Kip
: That's true, that's true.
: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up! Uncle Rico
: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
[pulls a check out of his shirt pocket
] Napoleon Dynamite
: I could make that much money in five seconds! Kip
: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today. Uncle Rico
: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina. Napoleon Dynamite
: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold
] Ow! Ah geez! Napoleon Dynamite
: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house? Kip
: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat! Napoleon Dynamite
[Napoleon releases Kip
] Napoleon Dynamite
: What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot? Kip
: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off. Napoleon Dynamite
: I did? Kip
: Yeah, is it bleeding? Napoleon Dynamite
: A little bit.
: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. Kip
: Are you serious? Uncle Rico
: I'm dead serious.
: She has sandy blonde hair.
[Trying to impress a potential buyer buy placing the bowl he's trying to sell under the front tire of his van. He drives over it and it explodes from the weight
: Dang it!
[He drives off
: [Napoleon giving him an angry stare
] I wish you wouldn't look at me like that Napoleon. Napoleon Dynamite
: I wish you would get out of my life and shut up! Uncle Rico
: Let me tell you something Napoleon while your out their playing Patty cake with your friend Pedro, your uncle Rico make hundred and twenty bucks. Napoleon Dynamite
: I can make that much money in five seconds! Kip
: Geez yeah right Napoleon I made like seventy five bucks today. Uncle Rico
: Napoleon looks like you don't have a job, so why don't you go out there and fees Tina. Napoleon Dynamite
: Why don't you go eat a decorded piece of crap!